Best Collection of Very Funny Clean Jokes


 Best Collection of Very Funny Clean Jokes


Adam and Eve

At what time of day was Adam born?

A little before Eve.

✧ ✧ ✧

When was radio first mentioned in the Bible?

When the Lord took a rib from Adam and made a

loudspeaker.

✧ ✧ ✧

Eve: Adam, do you love me?

Adam: Who else?

✧ ✧ ✧

Adam and Eve were naming the animals of

the earth when along came a rhinoceros.

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“What shall we call this one?” Adam asked.

“Let’s call it a rhinoceros,” said Eve.

“Why?” responded Adam.

“Well, it looks more like a rhinoceros than

anything we’ve named yet!” Eve replied.

✧ ✧ ✧

Teacher: Why was Adam a famous runner?

Student: Because he was first in the human race.

✧ ✧ ✧

Adam was created first . . . to give him a

chance to say something.

✧ ✧ ✧

What a good thing Adam had—when he

said something he knew nobody had said it

before.

✧ ✧ ✧

The first Adam-splitting gave us Eve, a force

which men in all ages have never gotten under

control.

8


Airplanes

Passenger: Excuse me. How high is this plane?

Flight Attendant: About 30,000 feet.

Passenger: And how wide is it?

✧ ✧ ✧

The loudspeaker of the big jet clicked on and

the captain’s voice announced in a clear, even

tone: “Now there’s no cause for alarm but we

felt you should know that for the last three

hours we’ve been flying without the benefit of

radio, compass, radar, or navigational beam due

to the breakdown of certain key components.

This means that we are, in the broad sense of the

word, lost and not quite sure in which direction

we are heading. I’m sure you’ll be glad to know

however, that we’re making excellent time!”

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2


✧ ✧ ✧

An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm

and was soon swaying and bumping in the sky.

One very nervous lady happened to be sitting

next to a clergyman and turned to him for comfort.

“Can’t you do something?” she demanded.

“I’m sorry, ma’am,” said the reverend gently.

“I’m in sales, not management.”

✧ ✧ ✧

A man is now able to go across the United

States in eight hours . . . four hours for flying,

and the other four to get to the airport.

✧ ✧ ✧

The airline company was disturbed over a

high percentage of accidents and decided to

eliminate human errors by building a completely

mechanical plane.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” came a voice over a

loudspeaker on the plane’s maiden voyage, “it

may interest you to know that you are now traveling

in the world’s first completely automated

plane. Now just sit back and relax because nothing

can possibly go wrong . . . go wrong . . . go

wrong . . . go wrong . . .”

10


Army and Police

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That’s no way to address an officer.

Now, let’s try that again. Soldier, do you have

change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, sir!

✧ ✧ ✧

An Army base staff that was planning war

games didn’t want to use live ammunition.

Instead they informed the soldiers: “In place of a

rifle, you go, ‘Bang, bang.’ In place of a knife,

you go, ‘Stab, stab.’ In place of a hand grenade,

you go, ‘Lob, lob.’”

The game was in progress when one of the

soldiers saw one of the enemy. He said, “Bang,

bang,” but nothing happened. He ran forward

and shouted, “Stab, stab,” but nothing

13

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happened. He ran back and went, “Lob, lob,”

but nothing happened. Finally he walked up to

the enemy and said, “You’re not playing fair. I

went ‘Bang, bang’ and ‘Stab, stab’ and ‘Lob, lob’

and you haven’t fallen dead yet!”

The enemy responded, “Rumble, rumble, I’m

a tank.”

✧ ✧ ✧

A very new soldier was on sentry duty at the

main gate of a military outpost. His orders were

clear: No car was to enter unless it had a special

sticker on the windshield. A big Army car drove

up with a general seated in the back.

The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?”

The chauffeur, a corporal, said, “General

Wheeler.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve

got to have a sticker on the windshield.”

The general said, “Drive on.”

The sentry said, “Hold it. You really can’t

come through. I have orders to shoot if you try

driving in without a sticker.”

The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son,

drive on.”

The sentry walked up to the rear window

and said, “General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot

you or the driver?”

14


Bald

If a man is bald in front, he’s a thinker. If

he’s bald in the back, he’s a lover. If he’s bald in

front and back, he thinks he’s a lover.

✧ ✧ ✧

“Papa, are you growing taller all the time?”

“No, my child. Why do you ask?”

“ ’Cause the top of your head is poking up

through your hair.”

✧ ✧ ✧

A bald man’s retort: “In the beginning God

created all men bald. Later He became ashamed

of some and covered them with hair.”

✧ ✧ ✧

He has wavy hair—it’s waving goodbye.

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✧ ✧ ✧

He’s not bald . . . he just has flesh-colored hair.

✧ ✧ ✧

He’s a man of polish . . . mostly around his

head.

✧ ✧ ✧

There’s one proverb that really depresses

him: “Hair today, gone tomorrow.”

✧ ✧ ✧

He has less hair to comb, but more face to

wash.

✧ ✧ ✧

It’s not that he’s bald . . . he just has a tall face.

✧ ✧ ✧

There’s one thing about baldness . . . it’s neat.

✧ ✧ ✧

There’s a new remedy on the market for

baldness. It’s made of alum and persimmon

juice. It doesn’t grow hair, but it shrinks your

head to fit what hair you have.

23


Barbers

I couldn’t stand my boy’s long hair any

longer, so I dragged him with me and ordered,

“Give him a crew cut.” The barber did just that,

and so help me, I found I’d been bringing up

somebody else’s son!

✧ ✧ ✧

I’ve got a 16-year-old son who was 6' 3'' until

he got a haircut. Now he is 5' 8''.

✧ ✧ ✧

The customer settled himself and let the barber

put the towel around him. Then he told the

barber, “Before we start, I know the weather’s

awful. I don’t care who wins the next big fight,

and I don’t bet on the horse races. I know I’m

getting thin on top, but I don’t mind. Now get

on with it.”

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“Well, sir, if you don’t mind,” said the barber,

“I’ll be able to concentrate better if you

don’t talk so much!”

✧ ✧ ✧

A man entered a barber shop and said, “I

am tired of looking like everyone else! I want a

change! Part my hair from ear to ear!”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes!” said the man.

The barber did as he was told and a satisfied

customer left the shop.

Three hours passed and the man reentered

the shop. “Put it back the way it was,” he said.

“What’s the matter?” asked the barber. “Are

you tired of being a nonconformist already?”

“No,” he replied, “I’m tired of people whispering

in my nose!”

✧ ✧ ✧

Customer (twice nicked by the barber’s razor):

Hey, barber, gimme a glass of water.

Barber: What’s wrong, sir? Hair in your mouth?

Customer: No, I want to see if my neck leaks.

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