5000 Best Funny Jokes: The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes
part 1
0001 - 0383 Jokes on : Advice
0384 - 0418 Jokes on: Acronym
0419 - 1681 Jokes on: Animals-Insects
1682 - 1721 Jokes on: Art
1722 - 1760 Jokes on: Beauty
1761 - 1959 Jokes on: Books
1960 - 1994 Jokes on: Calendar
1995 - 1999 Jokes on: Camping
2000 - 2110 Jokes on: Cannibals
2111 - 2405 Jokes on: Charity
2406 - 2583 Jokes on: Childish
2584 - 3312 Jokes on: Children
3313 - 3355 Jokes on: Circus
3356 - 3515 Jokes on: Communication
3516 - 3984 Jokes on: Computers & Technology
3985 - 4100 Jokes on: Definitions
4101 - 4135 Jokes on: Diets
4136 - 4288 Jokes on: Difference
4289 - 4312 Jokes on: Dinosaurs
4313 - 4353 Jokes on: Dreams
4354 - 4404 Jokes on: Embarrassment
4405 - 4451 Jokes on: Exercise
4452 - 5000 Jokes on: Family
Joke Number. 0001
I once had a lot of arguments and rants with my bank manager. But then I decided to consolidate
all my rants into one simple monthly outburst. Advice
Joke Number. 0002
"Here's a bit of Advice for you. Advi." Advice
Joke Number. 0003
Cheer yourself up at the next funeral you go to by hiding a tenner in your black suit today.
Advice
Joke Number. 0004
"Give a man a fire and you keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire and you keep him warm
for the rest of his life!" Advice
Joke Number. 0005
My father once told me, "Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it's
something your father told you." Advice
Joke Number. 0006
Taking the decision to bend over and tie your shoelaces on a moving escalator injects the added
thrill of a 'time limit'. Advice
Joke Number. 0007
"Lost your tree? Why not nail a picture of it to your dog?" Advice
Joke Number. 0008
"Dear Tabloid Agony Aunt, I keep seeking out Advice for serious issues from dangerously
under-qualified people. What do you suggest I do?" Advice
Joke Number. 0009
"There's a little-known but foolproof defense against sharks. Sharks will only attack you if you're
wet." Advice
Joke Number. 0010
Sickipedia's motto - If you can't beat them, copy them. Advice
Joke Number. 0011
Call of Duty Gamers. Temporarily blind and disorientate your opponent by unexpectedly ripping
open his bedroom curtains. Advice
Joke Number. 0012
COMMUTERS. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to
your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the run of shame for the bus
nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it. Advice
Joke Number. 0013
"My boyfriend says that I never solve my own problems. How do I prove him wrong?" Advice
Joke Number. 0014
"I asked my teacher for Advice when taking my math exam and he said that you should always
read through the paper first. That's the last time I listen to him. I was halfway through my
horoscope when I heard, “Okay, pencils down.”" Advice
Joke Number. 0015
Save money on a bigger TV by simply moving the couch closer to your existing one. Advice
Joke Number. 0016
Be the life of the party by murdering all the other guests. Advice
Joke Number. 0017
Don’t do anything you are not prepared to explain to a paramedic. Advice
Joke Number. 0018
"Tip for the day: 'Harder' is not a good choice of safe word." Advice
Joke Number. 0019
"My mum told me I should never talk to strangers. I said, “It's alright mum, I don't know any.”"
Advice
Joke Number. 0020
A contact lens, painted black, makes an ideal skullcap for a Jewish hamster. Advice
Joke Number. 0021
"There are two rules for success: 1. don’t tell all you know" Advice
Joke Number. 0022
"HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN... compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her,
stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine &
dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of
the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN... show up naked, bring beer." Advice
Joke Number. 0023
"Scientists have proven that cigarettes are harmful to the health of Children.
Fair enough, use an ashtray." Advice
Joke Number. 0024
"On a serious note, I am concerned with global warming and the effect it will have on our future,
especially after reading an Article about low water levels in reservoirs. Well, I drive past my
local reservoir every day, and each morning I empty a bucket of water from my tap while on my
way to work. If all of us did the same, these reservoirs would be full in no time." Advice
Joke Number. 0025
Anybody else think we'll be seeing the words "Database latency too high" on Friday? Advice
Joke Number. 0026
"Why do women like men who are smArt, goal orientated and have a sense of humor?
Because opposites attract." Advice
Joke Number. 0027
"I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing." Advice
Joke Number. 0028
When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smArt
enough to get out of jury duty. Advice
Joke Number. 0029
"You never realize what you've got till it's gone. Toilet paper being a good example." Advice
Joke Number. 0030
"I phoned the 'R--- helpline' yesterday. They suggested I buy a bal---ava." Advice
Joke Number. 0031
"Top Tip. London Borough Council. Putting a second 'No Ball games' sign 8 yards (7.32m) to
the left of the current one will save us having to use a jumper for a goalpost." Advice
Joke Number. 0032
"When I'm bored I like to play a game with my dear wife whilst she is hovering. I unplug it and
time how long it takes her to notice." Advice
Joke Number. 0033
"I just saw the advert for Compare the Market com saying that they are updating their server to
cope with more people online. Sickipedia! Take Note!! Simples......." Advice
Joke Number. 0034
"A man walks into a Bookshop and says, “can I have a book by Shakespeare?” “Of course, Sir,
which one?" "The man replies, " "William.”" Advice
Joke Number. 0035
"What's the best thing to come out of Coventry? The A45" Advice
Joke Number. 0036
"Half a coconut hung from a tree makes a nutritious food for your garden birds. It also helps to
keep other coconuts away from your house." Advice
Joke Number. 0037
"Just a little bit of Advice for any parents that are reading this. If your baby is having trouble
sleeping, don't put a drop of whisky in their milk bottle. It's far more effective if you put a drop
of milk in a whisky bottle. It works wonders, my son has been asleep for eight days straight
now." Advice
Joke Number. 0038
Christmas Party Tip: Asking for a kiss under the camel toe is NEVER acceptable. Advice
Joke Number. 0039
"Saw an advert for this new show called “Bulging Brides” in which soon to be brides had 2
months to fit in their dress. 2 Months! Just to fit into a dress? I could tell them where to get
ripped in just 4 weeks." Advice
Joke Number. 0040
"Top Tip: If a police officer pulls you over, do not tell him/her, “I find you very attractive...and
that's not just the booze talking!”" Advice
Joke Number. 0041
I've got a huge tip for people with lots of rubbish. Advice
Joke Number. 0042
The best place to hide a body is on Page 2 of Google's search results. Advice
Joke Number. 0043
Goths. Save money on black nail varnish by hitting your fingernails with a claw hammer. Advice
Joke Number. 0044
"Leprechauns hide their gold in electrical sockets... You can check at home. Just use forks to get
it out." Advice
Joke Number. 0045
"Whatever you do, don't drink the varnish. It'll be a sad end - but a beautiful finish." Advice
Joke Number. 0046
"Tip of the day: When a police officer says to you “Put your hands up.” Don't say, “For
Detroit.”" Advice
Joke Number. 0047
"After getting blown by my wife, I quoted from my favorite Children's film “Babe”: “That'll do,
pig, that'll do.”" Advice
Joke Number. 0048
"Woodstock; if you were really “There” you won't remember it. Apparently I was at
Woodstock." Advice
Joke Number. 0049
Fool shop keepers into thinking you're an armed robber by wearing a balaclava, pointing a gun to
their head, and asking them to empty the till. Advice
Joke Number. 0050
I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my Advice. Advice
Joke Number. 0051
"I went for a job interview. “Where would you like to see yourself in five years’ time?” he asked
me. I thought and said, “Suspended on full pay.”" Advice
Joke Number. 0052
If you see someone just randomly removing their iPod headphones on the bus or the Tube, you
can be pretty sure they're gauging how loud their fart is. Advice
Joke Number. 0053
"They always put ''For best before date: see side of pack'' on groceries. Why can't they just put
the date there?" Advice
Joke Number. 0054
"A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a
little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about
15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: “Why don`t you eat the peanuts
yourself?” “We can't chew them because we've no teeth”, she replied. “We just love the
chocolate around them.”" Advice
Joke Number. 0055
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. Advice
Joke Number. 0056
"My boss once told me, “Don't dress for the job you have, but for the job you want”. Which
makes you wonder why he fired me for coming in dressed as a Mexican wrestler" Advice
Joke Number. 0057
"The veteran actor and director turned to me and said, “You know what they say, you should
never work with Children or Animals.” “That's an old theatre saying, isn't it?” I replied. “No, it's
what the police told us when we did your CRB check.”" Advice
Joke Number. 0058
"Need overpriced, average clothes? There's a Gap for that." Advice
Joke Number. 0059
People shouldn't worry about the world ending. It's already tomorrow in Australia! Advice
Joke Number. 0060
"So I was getting into my car and this bloke said to me, “Can you give me a lift?” I said, “Sure...
You look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!”" Advice
Joke Number. 0061
I distinctly remember one time my parents talking to me down the phone and saying, if we throw
cash away at you now, you’ll never know the value of money. But I still think it would’ve been
nice for them to pay that ransom. Advice
Joke Number. 0062
"Top tip: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the
driver in front hit their brakes when they think they've been caught." Advice
Joke Number. 0063
When you write a joke you should always proof-read it carefully to make sure you haven't any
words out. Advice
Joke Number. 0064
"When getting into a fight in a pub, don't concern yourself with ungentlemanly fisticuffs. First
shout something innocuous at your opponent, to grab the pub's attention. Then calmly walk to
the door. There, turn around and in your loudest voice yell, “At least I'm not a pedophile.” The
seed planted into everyone's mind will do more long-term damage than any punch could ever
do." Advice
Joke Number. 0065
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Advice
Joke Number. 0066
"What's worse than a bull in a china shop? A hedgehog in a condom factory." Advice
Joke Number. 0067
I recently went to Birmingham with low expectations, and I left disappointed. Advice
Joke Number. 0068
"Top tip: When at the airport, if you get asked “Anything to declare?”, it's not the best response
to say “A Thumb War”. Still though, their prison isn't too bad." Advice
Joke Number. 0069
"What have a grave yard and a beach got in common? You will have a much better time if you
take a spade." Advice
Joke Number. 0070
Is it just me that reads a joke and looks at the score before laughing or not? Advice
Joke Number. 0071What do you do if your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure? Advice
Joke Number. 0072
If "fishing" means luring, hooking, catching, and potentially killing fish, shouldn't we investigate
whenever someone says, "I'm kidding"? Advice
Joke Number. 0073
Never moon a werewolf. Advice
Joke Number. 0074
"Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad."
Advice
Joke Number. 0075
"Never have a motto. That's my motto." Advice
Joke Number. 0076
Top tip: city councils save hundreds of pounds on signs warning of dangerous bends, simply tie a
bunch of flowers to a nearby tree Advice
Joke Number. 0077
If you want to write a letter, use a pen and paper. Advice
Joke Number. 0078
"In the news was a story that a boy died by walking in front of a moving train. The excuse is that
he was listening to his ipod loud. The Family have urged people not to listen to iPods while
outside “for your own safety”. Wouldn't it be more constructive if she told people to look before
crossing?" Advice
Joke Number. 0079
"Giva a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and his wife will divorce him."
Advice
Joke Number. 0080
"What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon." Advice
Joke Number. 0081
"I'm doing an environmental studies course and I need ideas on how to save trees. Answers on a
postcard please." Advice
Joke Number. 0082
Top Tip: Avoid tears when chopping onions by using carrots instead. Advice
Joke Number. 0083
BUS DRIVERS. If you see an attractive woman with a low cut top at the bus stop, accelerate and
come to a halt 50 feet past the stop. You will then have a great view in your nearside mirror as
she runs towards you. Finally, accidentally drop her change for a second look. Advice
Joke Number. 0084
If you ever have trouble opening a bottle of champagne, my Advice, hit it with a ship. I've seen
people do that, it works! Advice
Joke Number. 0085
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my Advice. Advice
Joke Number. 0086
"'Don’t shoot the messenger.' Do postmen count? I'm going to need a quick answer on this."
Advice
Joke Number. 0087
"O.A.P drivers. The little number 5 on your gearstick refers to what is known as “Fifth Gear”.
This will allow you to reach speeds of over 25 mph." Advice
Joke Number. 0088
"If you leave a dog in a car on a hot day without water or ventilation, it could be dead in 15
minutes. However, I've discovered that if I put the heating on as well, I can get it down to about
five." Advice
Joke Number. 0089
Fool people into thinking you are an octopus by drinking several liters of ink and farting every
time someone startles you. Advice
Joke Number. 0090
Am I the only one getting annoyed with all these jokes that relate directly to Sickipedia that
become so popular? These jokes don't work in the real world. Try telling a joke about data
latency being too high after an awesome pedophile joke to all your friends at the pub. Your
friends will hate you and you'll be lonely and you'll kill yourself. Let's get back to the actual sick
jokes, people. Advice
Joke Number. 0091
"The best thing for baldness? Hair." Advice
Joke Number. 0092
WINDOW CLEANERS. When agreeing a price with Dr Who to clean the windows of the
Tardis, don't be conned into agreeing to do the insides for the same price. Advice
Joke Number. 0093
Never trust a plumber who wears wellies. Advice
Joke Number. 0094
"Land Line users: Save 1 a month on “caller display” by simply answering the phone and asking
who it is." Advice
Joke Number. 0095
National Sarcasm Society - Like we need your support... Advice
Joke Number. 0096
All I am saying is that I think the freezer deserves a light as well......... Advice
Joke Number. 0097
Never wear skinny jeans if you don't have skinny genes. Advice
Joke Number. 0098
Whoever said, ' Laughter is the best medicine. ‘Never had gonorrhea. Advice
Joke Number. 0099
"They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'm still not tempted to dig the wife up and it's
been 8 months." Advice
Joke Number. 0100
"My mates warned me against going home with an Afro-Caribbean hairdresser last night. Woke
up this morning and I've got braids." Advice
Joke Number. 0101
I am not useless; I can always serve as a bad example. Advice
Joke Number. 0102
"Attention ladies. If the recycle bin on your boyfriend's computer is always empty, he's up to no
good." Advice
Joke Number. 0103
Giraffes look down on people like you Advice
Joke Number. 0104
"Top Tip Joke Number. 87 Freezing worms makes them easier to sharpen." Advice
Joke Number. 0105
Manufacturers of Deluxe 'Once'. I think the word you're looking for is 'twice'. Advice
Joke Number. 0106
Top tip: Save money on expensive cremation costs by purposely dying in a house fire. Advice
Joke Number. 0107
You can't choose your Family ...but you can ignore their phone calls. Advice
Joke Number. 0108
"My mate recently became a black belt in judo. I said, “That's all very well but, really, how often
are you going to be attacked by a man in a dressing-gown?”" Advice
Joke Number. 0109
"I saw a scruffy looking young man sat on the street this morning behind a card that read: “Help
the Homeless” So I gave him the number of an estate agent I know." Advice
Joke Number. 0110
"Mosh pit. Well concealed Taser. Hours of endless entertainment." Advice
Joke Number. 0111
"My girlfriend just asked me how we were supposed to stop her dog from drinking the toilet
water when I keep leaving the seat up. I told her to put it down." Advice
Joke Number. 0112
Save money on expensive pet carriers. If you need to take your cat to the vets, simply tie its tail
to one of its back legs to make an excellent carry handle. Advice
Joke Number. 0113
“"Beware: Peanuts may cause small Children to choke” What kind of society do we live in
where murder tips are advertised on the back of peanut wrappers?!" Advice
Joke Number. 0114
"You know what they say, so I won’t tell you." Advice
Joke Number. 0115
"'Hope you're hungry' A kind gesture in Britain; A cruel taunt in Sudan." Advice
Joke Number. 0116
"Whispering can make almost anything sound creepier. Example: “I love little kids.”" Advice
Joke Number. 0117
"I work in a bar called Advice. I get really good tips." Advice
Joke Number. 0118
It was good Advice when someone told me I'd never meet the woman of my Dreams at a bar.
The women in my Dreams aren't old enough to get in. Advice
Joke Number. 0119
Here's a useful shopping tip - You can get a pair of shoes for 1 in the bowling alley. Advice
Joke Number. 0120
Trying to be funny is like trying to force a fart - it never turns out quite as you expect and you'll
likely have to leave the room. Advice
Joke Number. 0121
"Top tip: If you have a paranoid friend and they leave their mobile lying around, pick it up and
add little reminders like “I'm watching you” and “You're not alone” to random dates. Epic lots!"
Advice
Joke Number. 0122
Give a man a fish and you've fed him for a day. But teach a man to wear a fishnet stocking for a
mask and hold up a bank and you've taken care of him for life, one way or another. Advice
Joke Number. 0123
"Amuse yourself when filling in application forms. When it asks “Are you registered blind or
partially-sighted?” tick slightly outside the box that says “No”." Advice
Joke Number. 0124
UK GOVERNMENT. Reduce the amount of underage pregnancies in Britain by simply
lowering the age of consent. Advice
Joke Number. 0125
"The only thing more boring than watching paint dry... listening to paint dry." Advice
Joke Number. 0126
"Ladies, you can't be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn't work that way. You're already hard
to want." Advice
Joke Number. 0127
"Top Tip: Go down the pub so you don't feel guilty watching your wife do all the housework."
Advice
Joke Number. 0128
A day without sunshine is like, well, night. Advice
Joke Number. 0129
"Marriage tip: When your wife comments that eating a dessert after dinner will make her fat,
don't add the “term”. Trust me." Advice
Joke Number. 0130
"My old Dad always said, “Lift with your legs”. I find it easier to use my arms." Advice
Joke Number. 0131
"It is estimated that it has cost the British taxpayer 2.3 million to pay for the Pope's visit. They
obviously never heard of Ryan air, return tickets from Rome start at 48." Advice
Joke Number. 0132
Take my Advice: I don't use it anyway. Advice
Joke Number. 0133
Word of Advice for those people who make jokes about Walkers crisp bags having very few
crisps in them. Don't bother buying a Ryan air sick bag - they turn out to be even more
disappointing. Advice
Joke Number. 0134
Marathon runners cover over 26 miles in two hours, train for years and when they finish cannot
breath and are bent double with pain. I, on the other hand, can spend the 2 hours in the pub
drinking and smoking, yet walk out as right as rain. Therefore running is obviously bad for you.
Advice
Joke Number. 0135
If I had a pound for every time I lost a pound, I would be no better off. Advice
Joke Number. 0136
A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a
name tag, you've made a serious vocational error. Advice
Joke Number. 0137
"Top Tip: Tired of cramped conditions on air flights? To get a whole row to yourself, simply
stare at your shoes and say, “Come on!”" Advice
Joke Number. 0138
If alcohol isn't the answer, then obviously the wrong question is being asked. Advice
Joke Number. 0139
GET the N-DUBZ experience by smashing yourself in the ear with a hammer. Advice
Joke Number. 0140
"They need to open a nightclub called “The Office” So men don't need to lie to their girl where
they are anymore." Advice
Joke Number. 0141
"Don't drink and drive... Do all you’re drinking before you drive!" Advice
Joke Number. 0142
"My mate gave me some really good Advice on how to pick up women today. “You have to flip
her over so she's face down, then you put your arm under her stomach and lift,” he said." Advice
Joke Number. 0143
Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but
that doesn't really narrow it down much. Advice
Joke Number. 0144
"TOP TIP Impress your mates and save yourself extortionate contract fees... ... just add the
sentence, 'Sent from my iPhone' to all your emails and texts." Advice
Joke Number. 0145
Vicars - Bowling hedgehogs in the church grounds is an ideal way to clear confetti after a
wedding. Advice
Joke Number. 0146
If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem. Advice
Joke Number. 0147
My dad always said ' be good and if you can't be good, be careful'. Wise words from the man
who knocked up a fat minger. Advice
Joke Number. 0148
A tip for Midgets: Appear taller by snacking on fun-size Mars bars and speaking very quietly,
thus giving the impression that you are merely a long way away. Advice
Joke Number. 0149
Top tip: add thousands to the value of your house by making wallpaper out of twenty quid notes.
Advice
Joke Number. 0150
"Men; would you like to last longer in bed? Then get your wife to bring breakfast to you."
Advice
Joke Number. 0151
"I need help committing suicide. Does anyone have some experience?" Advice
Joke Number. 0152
"I'm in a long distance relationship and I find it great. Wife in the kitchen and me at the pub."
Advice
Joke Number. 0153
"I've been trying to teach my son the importance of honesty. Today when I came home I
discovered that he had found my nail gun and destroyed my entire vinyl collection. I went up to
his room and asked him if he knew who did it. “It was me, dad.” He replied. “Good son, and do
you know why I'm not going to punish you?” “Because I'm still holding your nail gun.”" Advice
Joke Number. 0154
"Wii Fit, Number 1 way to let your girlfriend know she's FAT!" Advice
Joke Number. 0155
"Tip of the day: Don't bother trying to get a taxi during a mosque service, you're only wasting
your time." Advice
Joke Number. 0156
"Headline in the sun 'NIGHT STALKER ATTACKED ME WHEN I WAS IN LABOUR'
Advice to all women out there vote conservative" Advice
Joke Number. 0157
When in ASDA buying grapes, take one grape to the "serve yourself" till. When it is weighed it
won't register on the scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure a hundred times or
so, and hey, presto! You have yourself a free bunch of grapes. Advice
Joke Number. 0158
Old people. Attach a sweeping brush to the front of your mobility trolley. Now, instead of being
a menace on the pavements, you can provide a valuable service to your community. Advice
Joke Number. 0159
Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a
conversation Advice
Joke Number. 0160
Hospitals. Increase the revenue from on-site car parking by selling off the cars left by dead
patients. Advice
Joke Number. 0161
Fool your friends into thinking you always have flash lemon in your toilet by not flushing urine
away. Advice
Joke Number. 0162
"Unemployed People. A blank post-it note stuck on the fridge door will be a useful reminder that
you have nothing to do today." Advice
Joke Number. 0163
There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman sentenced to beheading by guillotine.
This Englishman was brought out first and as the blade fell towards his neck it got stuck.
Tradition was that if this happened then they had to let him free so the Englishman was saved.
Next they brought the Scotsman out and as the blade fell towards his neck the same thing
happened so they had to let him free as well. As the Irishman is being brought he is kicking and
screaming and making a terrible fuss. One of that guards says to him "What's the matter with
you." The Irishman replies, "I'm not going near that thing until you get it fixed!" Advice
Joke Number. 0164
"Tip to all Africans: If you want to buy a cheap plastic product buy a condom. It will stop Aids
and also stop our ears bleeding." Advice
Joke Number. 0165
"What's the definition of gross? Dreaming you're eating cottage cheese and waking up with your
grandmother sitting on your face." Advice
Joke Number. 0166
Contact lens wearers.... Keep your eyes snug and warm this winter by adding a few drops of chili
sauce to your cleaning solution. Advice
Joke Number. 0167
Can anyone give me a rough idea how much I would have to pay for a ball park? Advice
Joke Number. 0168
"My mate reckons he could eat a whole blanket, personally I think he's full of sheet." Advice
Joke Number. 0169
"Don't just wait for your grandparents to die so you can claim their inheritance. Earn it! Visit
them. Make conversation. Put a smile on their faces. Leave a window open." Advice
Joke Number. 0170
"I don't think I was listening when my mam told me how to use a cotton bud properly. It went in
one ear and out the other." Advice
Joke Number. 0171
I've come up with a great way to come up with money. Find yourself a blonde girl and say "I bet
you 10 that I can sing a song with anybody's name in it, you can choose the name". At which
point she'll agree and choose a name. You'll then sing "Happy Birthday" with whichever name
she's chosen, you can do this as many times as you want. Advice
Joke Number. 0172
Advice to poor People/Council House tenants -disguise the fact that your property needs
expensive external cladding work by covering the whole of your house with St George's Flags
Advice
Joke Number. 0173
Roadside accidents; a great place to pick up that last-minute anniversary gift. Advice
Joke Number. 0174
After failing university, I had no money and no job. My father advised "there's money in
Computers!" turns out there wasn’t. Also i need to replace two of his Computers. Advice
Joke Number. 0175
"Mum: Be careful me: Thank God, before you said that i was just going to be recklessly
dangerous." Advice
Joke Number. 0176
Women: save money on anti-ageing products by dying young. Advice
Joke Number. 0177
To survive in water, you don't have to be good at swimming, you just have to be bad at
drowning. Advice
Joke Number. 0178
Tip of the day: Never high-five a Muppet whilst wearing a Velcro glove. Advice
Joke Number. 0179
"Join the US Army. You will get 20 bucks for every kill in combat. Or 50 bucks for killing an
enemy." Advice
Joke Number. 0180
Bus drivers, make your own under-budget version of Takeshi's castle by moving the disabled
seats upstairs. Advice
Joke Number. 0181
Convince others you are full of great ideas by sell taping a light bulb to the top of your head
Advice
Joke Number. 0182
A neighbor’s car aerial, when carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Advice
Joke Number. 0183
The irony of you telling me to "get a life" is that I'll probably take yours... Advice
Joke Number. 0184
Inflatable sheep... For people so ugly, they can't pull an inflatable doll. Advice
Joke Number. 0185
"Tip: When your pupil's parent asks you why you wanted to be a teacher don't reply “I'm a
pedophile”" Advice
Joke Number. 0186
We all enter the world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your
life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop right there. Advice
Joke Number. 0187
"Women. Avoid parking discrepancies by aiming to park all wonky. There is a good chance you
will end up perfectly straight and within the lines. You're welcome." Advice
Joke Number. 0188
"How to write a successful joke: For a joke to be successful, one must consider the various
discourses of humour, especially pertaining to the various genres of comedy that exist. One must
also consider the various synonyms of the vocabulary used in the joke and the intended meaning
of the word (versus the normal usage of the word in a non-joke context). We use Hilling's
formula to calculate the efficacy of the word play (C = 1/x * R(4e)). We must then take into
account the use of current affairs, using Smith's algorithm (1>2>3>4>X<4<3<2<1). Finally, it is
essential that we consider the intended target. Failing that, just write something about black
people being lazy." Advice
Joke Number. 0189
Why spend three quid on a packet of bog roll when you can get a copy of The Sun for 25p?
Advice
Joke Number. 0190
Whenever a child asks me why God let so many people die in a disaster, I tell them it’s because
they distracted him by praying for a puppy. Advice
Joke Number. 0191
Never get on one knee for a girl that won’t get on two for you. Advice
Joke Number. 0192
"LEA & PERRINS- Save on printing costs of bottle labels by moving your Worcestershire sauce
factory to Kent." Advice
Joke Number. 0193
"What do you call a fish with four eyes? Fish." Advice
Joke Number. 0194
"A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks, “How much would it be to ask you three
questions?” The attorney answered, “$500.” “Holy cow!” the man replied, “That's a bit steep,
isn't it?” “No.” said the attorney. “What's your third question?”" Advice
Joke Number. 0195
When reading a book, always underline the bits you don't understand. That way, if you ever lend
it to someone, they'll think you're really clever. Advice
Joke Number. 0196
Gin, an excellent medicine for being sober Advice
Joke Number. 0197
Some say your Children teach the most important lessons. Mine taught me to use a condom in
future Advice
Joke Number. 0198
"I don't think 'Smoking Kills' should be exclusive to cigarette packets. I've yet to see a kipper
survive it either." Advice
Joke Number. 0199
Statistics are like a lamppost to a drunken man. More for leaning on than illumination. Advice
Joke Number. 0200
Keep Britain Tidy, eat a pigeon. Advice
Joke Number. 0201
"TOP TIP FOR DWARFS make sure you never have enough money to buy things. It will amuse
us when you tell them this at the till." Advice
Joke Number. 0202
Make shopping in Curry's more fun by changing the channel on the TVs to Sky Channel 912.
Advice
Joke Number. 0203
I have always considered it bad practice to begin and end your sentences with I. Advice
Joke Number. 0204
"INVESTMENT TIP If you purchased 1,000 of Bradford & Bingley ordinary stock two years
ago, you would have 0 left today; If you purchased 1,000 of HBOS, ordinary stock two years
ago, you would have 87 left today; If you purchased 1,000 of Northern Rock ordinary stock two
years ago, you would have 0 left today; If you purchased 1,000 of Merrill Lynch ordinary stock
two years ago, you would have 0 left today; If you purchased 1,000 of Royal Bank of Scotland,
ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 76 left today; If you purchased 1,000 worth of
canned beer two years ago, drank all the beer and sold the aluminum cans for recycling, you
would have 188 left today; Based on this example, my investment tip is: (i) Avoid bank shares
(ii) Drink canned beer heavily and (iii) Sell the cans for recycling" Advice
Joke Number. 0205
"Tried to impress my wife this morning by putting all the plates in the dishwasher before she
came home. Apparently, we don't have a dishwasher. Another washing machine ruined..."
Advice
Joke Number. 0206
"Teenage boys. The waistband of your boxer shorts makes an ideal hiding place to conceal any
unwanted hard-ons." Advice
Joke Number. 0207
Pedophiles: Make your naughty activities less obvious to vigilant mothers by not dressing up as a
train spotter. Advice
Joke Number. 0208
"Taxi Drivers: Remove the bulbs from your indicators in case you momentarily forget what you
do for a living and inadvertently signal." Advice
Joke Number. 0209
"My Dad's suggestion to fight fire with fire turned out to be very bad Advice indeed. I guess I
should have learnt not to trust him after the incident where I used paper to defend myself from
rocks." Advice
Joke Number. 0210
DOG LOVERS. Reduce your chances of going blind by only buying black or brown Labradors.
Advice
Joke Number. 0211
"I have broken my leg 3 times in the same place now. I should probably stay away from there in
future." Advice
Joke Number. 0212
"Top Tip for London tourists: Save money on the London planetarium by simply going out at
night and looking up." Advice
Joke Number. 0213
Fool people into thinking you are going to make a funny joke, then don't. Advice
Joke Number. 0214
“"Keep your trap shut!” my dad always said. I resent him for that. So does my greyhound."
Advice
Joke Number. 0215
"Help stop copyright theft. Wear your jam rag t-shirt inside out." Advice
Joke Number. 0216
"Top Tip: Doing radiotherapy? Tell the doctor to give you twice the normal dose so it doubles
your chances of becoming a superhero." Advice
Joke Number. 0217
Muslim leaders: in between the call to prayer at the mosque why not shout out the latest savings
at ASDA? Advice
Joke Number. 0218
Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house
until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas. Advice
Joke Number. 0219
Would-be criminals. Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look
like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye. Advice
Joke Number. 0220
"Extremists Do you want to blow yourself up for a good cause and get hundreds of virgins?
I suggest Comic Con" Advice
Joke Number. 0221
"Helpful hint Joke Number. 1 When arranging to meet a girl from the internet, who “spreads 'em easily”....
Make sure she doesn't mean diseases." Advice
Joke Number. 0222
There are certain mistakes in life that you only make once. Like visiting the loo straight after
your wife to find red toilet water and the stench of rotting fish guts. Advice
Joke Number. 0223
"When someone sees you crying, and asks: “Are you sad?” Punch them in the face, and ask:
“Are you okay?”" Advice
Joke Number. 0224
When life gives you oil spills, make Molotov’s. Advice
Joke Number. 0225
I've learnt the awkward way, if your girlfriend's mother asks "Would you do me a favour?" -
ALWAYS wait until she has said "a favour" before eagerly nodding and saying yes. Advice
Joke Number. 0226
Looking through husbands CD collection: John Lennon, Michael Hutchinson, and Kurt Cobain.
All died violent deaths. Hope he buys new Coldplay CD. Advice
Joke Number. 0227
Never put your finger where you wouldn't put your nose. Advice
Joke Number. 0228
I always wanted to be a rock star when I was a young child....I got the excessive drinking right,
but unfortunately forgot about the main things, learning an instrument and writing songs. Advice
Joke Number. 0229
"Top tip; never attempt to operate a chainsaw whilst fairly drunk. There's a good chance you'll
end up legless." Advice
Joke Number. 0230
"Never milk a joke. Unless it's a cow joke." Advice
Joke Number. 0231
"I love to read those Advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, “What’s
the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?” “Morning Sickness.”"
Advice
Joke Number. 0232
"My Dad would always give me good Advice. Like, “scream and I'll kill your sister.”" Advice
Joke Number. 0233
Top Tip: if you can hear the police banging on your door to complain about the noise then it
clearly isn't loud enough.... Advice
Joke Number. 0234
Uh.. If you have a good joke, wait till the site is running normally so we can actually vote it up?
Don't waste it you gimps. Advice
Joke Number. 0235
"If there's one thing I’ve learnt in life... It's keep the Hemorrhoid cream and the Deep Heat rub
well apart in the bathroom cabinet." Advice
Joke Number. 0236
Man Utd fans. Clear your club's 80 Million losses by simply setting up a stall where you can be
punched for 1 pound. Advice
Joke Number. 0237
Benefits: Making natural selection obsolete since 1992. Advice
Joke Number. 0238
"If something’s worth having... It's not on eBay." Advice
Joke Number. 0239
"I clean my house with Clearasil. The place is always spotless." Advice
Joke Number. 0240
One good turn will get you...................most of the blankets Advice
Joke Number. 0241
Drivers: When you see those 'accident black spot' signs you should speed up. You don't want to
hang about in dangerous places. Advice
Joke Number. 0242
Best way of avoiding being clamped? Buy four clamps and put one on each wheel. Advice
Joke Number. 0243
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still
didn't hear what they said? Advice
Joke Number. 0244
"I heard, that in a survival situation if there is no water available, you can drink your own urine.
So I always take a two liter bottle of it wherever I go just in case." Advice
Joke Number. 0245
Next time someone says "You owe me big time", arrange for DHL to send them a 5 foot clock to
their house. That should shut them up. Advice
Joke Number. 0246
Fool guests into thinking all your picture frames are digital by changing the picture yourself
every 15 seconds. Advice
Joke Number. 0247
"Whenever you're shot in the chest, lie on the side you were hit. That way only one lung will fill
with blood." Advice
Joke Number. 0248
Commuters, make the bus come quicker by standing by the corner looking for it coming down
the road, then running back to the bus stop. Advice
Joke Number. 0249
Top tip: Africans, lessen your hardship by living somewhere where things will actually grow,
and preferably not 20 miles from the nearest water. Advice
Joke Number. 0250
"I was getting money out of the ATM earlier and it asked me if I wanted an 'Advice slip' with my
cash, so I hit yes.... Out came a note saying 'stop using the benefit system to fund your crack
habit'" Advice
Joke Number. 0251
"Why do we have to wear seatbelts on planes? Has there ever been a time when an air crash
investigator has viewed a plane crash scene and said, if only they were wearing seatbelts."
Advice
Joke Number. 0252
End of the world in 2012? Just immigrate to Romania. They are 100 years behind.... Advice
Joke Number. 0253
Please note: adding several exclamation marks to the end of your "joke" does NOT actually
make it funny. Advice
Joke Number. 0254
"Men. Avoid wasting time drying your hands under the drier in pub toilets by simply calling
your wife fat and holding your wet hands in front of her mouth." Advice
Joke Number. 0255
Have a hot neighbor? Buy a trampoline, looks like innocent fun. Advice
Joke Number. 0256
Fool burglars in to thinking you are home simply by leaving your door unlocked. Advice
Joke Number. 0257
I always leave everything to the last possible minute, then it only takes a minute Advice
Joke Number. 0258
"I don’t get most of the jokes on here recently and you English can’t even spell properly it’s
remotely you idiots. America.-------------------------- Please a) take note of the following
grammatical and structural corrections: “I DON'T get most of the jokes THAT HAVE BEEN
POSTED on here recently and you English CAN'T even spell properly: IT'S 'REMOTELY' you
idiots.” b) note the definition of irony before you bother posting again. England" Advice
Joke Number. 0259
Guys, fool your mates into thinking you have a girlfriend by moving the toilet roll to under your
bed, instead of leaving it at your computer desk. Advice
Joke Number. 0260
Currants impaled on toothpicks, displayed in your window, serve as a warning to would-be
house flies. Advice
Joke Number. 0261
"How do u get a whole lamb in the freezer? Take your wife out first" Advice
Joke Number. 0262
"BBC News: Texas death row killer forgiven by victim. Yeah? Who told him? Whoopee
Goldberg??" Advice
Joke Number. 0263
"Top Tip: In an argument. Before opening a can of worms, make sure it’s not spaghetti. That
way you’ll save yourself looking ridiculous in a tense situation." Advice
Joke Number. 0264
"Tip: Don't tell the people in your office your Sickipedia username. I did and now this black guy
who sits opposite me is giving me right evils." Advice
Joke Number. 0265
"'...The next time the Postal workers go on strike, here's a simple solution to get them back to
work: Pay their salary, but send the cheque by mail...SORTED!'" Advice
Joke Number. 0266
"For people who suffer from a sweaty face in the hot season... You can spray regular deodorant
on your face to help reduce the problem. Just make sure you keep your eyes open so you can see
where you are spraying it." Advice
Joke Number. 0267
Excuse me if I sound rude, but if your greatest achievement in the world of work has been
getting a job as a careers advisor, then the very last thing I would ever want from you is Advice
on my career. Advice
Joke Number. 0268
"My mates say I'm too submissive. They're probably right." Advice
Joke Number. 0269
"I believe you should always try things once. Which is why I’m addicted to Crystal Meth"
Advice
Joke Number. 0270
"My old man always told me to fight my corner. That was good Advice, but my boxing career
was short lived." Advice
Joke Number. 0271
"Good idea: giving your newborn baby a bath bad idea: having your newborn baby dry-cleaned"
Advice
Joke Number. 0272
"My Principle of life: If a girl throws a stone at you, throw a flower back, BUT MAKE SURE
the flower is still in the pot" Advice
Joke Number. 0273
If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts Advice
Joke Number. 0274
"If you put a frog into a pan tepid water and slowly heat it up, the frog will boil to death. But if
you put a frog into already boiling water it will jump out. Moral of the story? Put a lid on the
pan." Advice
Joke Number. 0275
If at first you do succeed, try not to look too surprised. Advice
Joke Number. 0276
"Fed up of ironing? Try using anti-wrinkle cream instead of fabric softener." Advice
Joke Number. 0277
If you are unlucky enough to accidentally trip over in the street, keep repeating the process to
make it look like it is what you usually do Advice
Joke Number. 0278
"How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper." Advice
Joke Number. 0279
"What's the point of Advice slips at cashpoints? All they say is “You haven't got any money.”
Advice would be for them to say “Look, mate, I know you're skin, but my brother has just won a
few bob on the dArts; I expect he'd lend you some money till pay day if you give him a bell.”"
Advice
Joke Number. 0280
"Muller Yoghurt eaters: Save a fortune by buying your yoghurts ready mixed." Advice
Joke Number. 0281
"Girls. Save money on sanitary towels. Buy cheap ones then drink a can of Red Bull." Advice
Joke Number. 0282
"What's the quickest way to look slim and fit? Befriend fat people." Advice
Joke Number. 0283
"I once knew a guy that couldn't stand up. We called him Neil." Advice
Joke Number. 0284
Don't you just hate when there is a clown at your bed at 3am because you didn't send on a chain
message Advice
Joke Number. 0285
Are you illiterate? Write to me for help. Advice
Joke Number. 0286
Time is never wasted if you're wasted all the time. Advice
Joke Number. 0287
"I'll always remember the last words my father said before he accidently shot himself. “Safety
first, Safe...”" Advice
Joke Number. 0288
If someone throws a rock at you, your defense shouldn't be a sheet of paper. Advice
Joke Number. 0289
When people say I care too much about what other people think, I reply tearfully "Do you really
think that?" Advice
Joke Number. 0290
"Let’s face it... Maybe you won't get ripped in 3 weeks. However, you might grow a beard,
change race and facial shape, so the ad is worth a look." Advice
Joke Number. 0291
Before you accuse your boyfriend of cheating on you remember that empty lollipop wrappers
look like condom wrappers. Advice
Joke Number. 0292
"I asked a wise old man what the secret was to 'eternal life'. He said “Don't die”" Advice
Joke Number. 0293
The RAF. Test trainee pilots' reaction times by getting them to try to put exactly 10 worth of
petrol in their car. Advice
Joke Number. 0294
Journalists for local TV stations. Fool viewers into thinking you have been sent abroad by
waiting a few seconds before answering questions the presenter asks you Advice
Joke Number. 0295
"Here's a piece of Advice for you. If you're sitting there in your house with 300 worth of
marijuana, and the police are knocking at the door, there is one thing you should definitely not
do... Try to burn the evidence." Advice
Joke Number. 0296
"BBC News: Taking showers 'can make you ill' Hitler - 70 years before his time." Advice
Joke Number. 0297
A Post-it Note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers. Advice
Joke Number. 0298
"I've finally realized why Americans kill every joke on here. Because they've killed everything
else." Advice
Joke Number. 0299
Pretend you are going on a fabulous holiday to Barbados by going to Heathrow and sleeping on
the floor. Advice
Joke Number. 0300
"Can't get approval for a savings account? Simply move in with a Tourette's sufferer, introduce a
swear box and watch your investment grow." Advice
Joke Number. 0301
"While the optimist's gas tank is half full, and the pessimist's half empty,... they'll both run out of
gas at the exact same spot." Advice
Joke Number. 0302
Go into your local Charity shop, share a story, shed a tear and then see the look on their face
when you tell them you're not really the secret millionaire. Advice
Joke Number. 0303
"Breakthrough tooth whitening treatment that doesn't cost the earth. Paint your face black."
Advice
Joke Number. 0304"
Top Tip for alcoholics. Drink as much as you like on long haul flights and don't worry about
being over the limit when you drive home from the airport - the time Difference will have taken
care of that." Advice
Joke Number. 0305
I was once told to live everyday as if it were my last, but getting depressed, curling up in bed and
waiting to die just really doesn't appeal to me. Advice
Joke Number. 0306
"I've had vinyl flooring laid throughout the house. It has a warmth that CD flooring can't match."
Advice
Joke Number. 0307
"I was standing at the bus stop with my mate and with this old lady last night waiting for the bus
to arrive. Suddenly, the old dear caught the hiccups. She tried her best to ignore it, but i could see
it in her eyes that she found them annoying and quite painful for her age. My mate remembered
some Advice about how to cure hiccups and told me “gently tap her on the back, a little jump
might cure them.” Thinking a brief tap might not do the trick, i pushed her onto the road as the
bus came. That stopped her hiccups." Advice
Joke Number. 0308
"I got an Advice slip from the cash machine today, It read 'Don't re-heat chicken once it's
cooked'" Advice
Joke Number. 0309
WIG WEARERS. Don't waste money on new wigs. Simply turn your old ones round for the 'boy
band' look Advice
Joke Number. 0310
Morning glory just isn't the same without a smile on the end of it... so make yourself useful
mum. Advice
Joke Number. 0311
Pubs. Save money on hand driers by just hanging up a pair of jeans. Advice
Joke Number. 0312
"How do you know when you've had too much? When you run out." Advice
Joke Number. 0313
Women: Save money on mascara, eyeliner, and other expensive eye make-up by simply
forgetting to put Mayonnaise in my sandwich. Advice
Joke Number. 0314
Special occasion today so you know what that means, CLEAN BOXERS! Advice
Joke Number. 0315
"To all those failing businesses out there who say, “I can't afford to advertise because I've not got
enough work in.”- That's like saying, “I can't afford to get this terminal brain tumor removed
because I'm saving up for a holiday in 3 years.”" Advice
Joke Number. 0316
"What do you call a man with no arms or legs? A cab, so he can get home." Advice
Joke Number. 0317
"I just realized flammable and inflammable mean the same thing. That's interesting." Advice
Joke Number. 0318
Scouters, Get your day off to a cracking start by adding a couple of shots of active to your vodka
Advice
Joke Number. 0319
There's a very easy way to avoid body odor. Don't get the tube. Advice
Joke Number. 0320
Sharing is caring. Unless you have aids. Advice
Joke Number. 0321
Walkers. Sell more crisps in Arabic countries by introducing a new Sultan Sheikh range. Advice
Joke Number. 0322
"What do you call a fat chick with a great personality..? A barrel of laughs." Advice
Joke Number. 0323
When everyone is against you, it means you are absolutely wrong - or absolutely right. Advice
Joke Number. 0324
Fill your tires with water instead of air so if you get a puncture you can trace back to the hazard
and warn other motorists. Advice
Joke Number. 0325
"Best piece of Advice I've ever been given for delivering talks? Visualize your audience naked.
It certainly helped with the half-time team talk for the Under 10s football team I coach." Advice
Joke Number. 0326
Yes frank I know there’s a darker side to drugs it’s called the dealers! Advice
Joke Number. 0327
Claustrophobics need to get out more.... Advice
Joke Number. 0328
Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot. Advice
Joke Number. 0329
Scare hotel staff by riding a tricycle through the corridors and talking backwards to your finger.
Advice
Joke Number. 0330
The heel of a gentlemen’s' shoe makes an ideal door for a mouse hole. Advice
Joke Number. 0331
"Take my Advice........ Don't listen to strangers." Advice
Joke Number. 0332
Someone at work told me I was stupid for not getting out of my seat before putting on my jacket,
and I thought "I'm not going to stand for that" Advice
Joke Number. 0333
The good thing about having a ginger kid is you don't have to beat him up yourself. Advice
Joke Number. 0334
"BBC News: Pressure mounts to phase out IE6 I never liked that postcode anyway." Advice
Joke Number. 0335
"I gave my son some valuable Advice today. I told him “Put your money where your mouth is.”
Little spastic choked to death on a tenner." Advice
Joke Number. 0336
"My father always said to me, 'if you build it, they will come'. That's why I now own my own
strip club." Advice
Joke Number. 0337
"There are two types of people in the world: 1) those who can deduce complete facts from
incomplete data" Advice
Joke Number. 0338
I remember when I was younger, I was confused about girls so I approached my dad and I said to
him "Dad, how should I treat women?" My dad's answer has enlightened the rest of my life. "To
their face or behind their back?" Thanks, dad. Advice
Joke Number. 0339
A spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd
stayed single. Advice
Joke Number. 0340
By grabbing hold of a Charity letter and twisting it sideways, it is possible to remove the free pen
without opening it and subjecting yourself to all that guilt. Advice
Joke Number. 0341
A wise woman once said, only joking there are no wise women. Advice
Joke Number. 0342
Lesson in Life: Hold Your Head High, But Your Middle Finger Higher. Advice
Joke Number. 0343
"So the wife left me today.. I guess replying “ just go out without your makeup on” when she
asked what was the cheapest way for her to dress up as a zombie for Halloween wasn't such a
great idea" Advice
Joke Number. 0344
"I forgot to clean my teeth this morning. My boss told me to eat a packet of mince, but it just
made things worse." Advice
Joke Number. 0345
If I lived every day like it was my last, I'd probably spend the rest of my life depressed that I was
going to die the following day. Advice
Joke Number. 0346
"My wife phoned me at work today. “On your way home, can you call at the shop and get me
some Tamp ax?” “I take it it's started again then.” I sighed. I hate having to put up with her
nosebleeds." Advice
Joke Number. 0347
"Wife asked me for a cup of tea earlier.. I poured her out a cup of boiling water. She said “How
about a teabag love” So i gave her one." Advice
Joke Number. 0348
"I like to watch what I eat. Then eat it." Advice
Joke Number. 0349
When giving blood always remember to say "When" Advice
Joke Number. 0350
Parents. Avoid scarring your Children when watching violent movies by blindfolding them and
locking them in a cupboard. Advice
Joke Number. 0351
Don’t discard your old Banana skins, they make ideal sun hats for starfish. Advice
Joke Number. 0352
"I couldn't quite see what the sign said, so I stood up. It said “Keep your head down”." Advice
Joke Number. 0353
Steal from pessimists, they'll never bother with the police. Advice
Joke Number. 0354
Before you let a motivational poster motivate you, ask yourself, "If it's so good, why are these
people making posters instead of climbing mountains?" Advice
Joke Number. 0355
"Practical Joke: When you're at work and bored out of your mind, try this: Write a note to your
boss saying that a Miss Hughes phoned and needs them to ring her back ASAP. Then scroll the
number for either the local Dolcis, Barratts or Clarks down and watch their face when they look
like a tool ringing the number." Advice
Joke Number. 0356
I'll always remember the day my teacher asked me 'Didn't your Mother teach you not to play
with fire?' No, I replied, never really knew my Mother, she was killed in a chip pan fire in 1994.
Advice
Joke Number. 0357
Avoid wear and tear on your Children’s teeth by instead of giving those boiled sweets, give them
frozen Brussels sprouts to suck..... Advice
Joke Number. 0358
I beat the Credit crunch by using cash. Advice
Joke Number. 0359
When shopping for my wife, should I go through a pimp or use Russian mail order? Advice
Joke Number. 0360
"TOP TIP Save 40 pence per week by just giving 60p to a big issue vendor instead of buying the
magazine." Advice
Joke Number. 0361
Policemen: Fool everyone into thinking you're not a racist by badly dancing a calypso at the
Nothing Hill carnival, whilst grinning inanely. Advice
Joke Number. 0362
"The New Audi R8 Spider... because your bald patch isn’t quite getting the attention it deserves"
Advice
Joke Number. 0363
"I just watched an advert which said “no one knows P&O cruises like Thomas Cook” I don't
want to be pedantic but surely P&O know better!" Advice
Joke Number. 0364
"Leave yourself a note beside your toothpaste for when you are drunk. “Not astronaut food”."
Advice
Joke Number. 0365
If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it. Advice
Joke Number. 0366
"Never get into a fight with someone who has a large tattoo on their neck. Do they look the kind
of person who has anything to lose?" Advice
Joke Number. 0367
"What's more fun than a Fun Size candy bar? A regular sized candy bar." Advice
Joke Number. 0368
Replace your front door with a backless wardrobe filled with large coats this winter to recreate
the magic of Narnia every time you leave your house. Advice
Joke Number. 0369
"If your mother-in-law dies just remember - the gathering that takes place after the burial is
called 'the wake.' Not 'the after party.'" Advice
Joke Number. 0370
Whenever you feel down just do what i do, scratch a scratch card near a homeless guy and then
go nuts shouting you've won ten grand, once you see the look on their face you'll instantly feel
good again. Advice
Joke Number. 0371
My friends recommended to me that I join Apathetic Anonymous to remedy my depression, but
I'm just not bothered. Advice
Joke Number. 0372
"Use only as directed." Really? I'm taking pills, not performing on Broadway. Advice
Joke Number. 0373
Some people say love makes the world go round, others say its money, I say it's the suns
gravitational attraction. Advice
Joke Number. 0374
"Putting petrol into a diesel car is like pouring Gin into a woman. You're guaranteed at some
point in the night, she's going to breakdown." Advice
Joke Number. 0375
"Just heard that announcement in the airport not to leave your luggage with anyone you don't
trust. bit late now I left my luggage with the McCann’s an hour ago and have not seen it since"
Advice
Joke Number. 0376
Sometimes it's very hard to handle my schizophrenia all alone.. WHO SAID THAT Advice
Joke Number. 0377
"Have you ever felt like you've had a sudden loss of hearing? Repeating the same thing over &
over again and getting nowhere? Does your temper escalate furiously? Then you've dialed 118
118." Advice
Joke Number. 0378
"Tip for staying safe in the underground: All the safety videos/posters show a man recklessly
running with a briefcase, tripping up. Answer: Don't carry a briefcase around." Advice
Joke Number. 0379
"You want to win an argument? Accuse somebody of always contradicting you." Advice
Joke Number. 0380
"Temple run, only realistic if you spend ten thousand and buy the black guy." Advice
Joke Number. 0381
My son told me he's been getting bullied at school. In preparation of dealing with the situation,
he came to me for Advice. "Son", I said. "The only thing I can say to you is look before you leap.
Poor planning could leave you in a lot of pain. You need to land head-first for certainty." Advice
Joke Number. 0382
"When you go abroad you should be careful of muggers, rapists and murderers also don't drink
the dirty water. But as soon as you get out of the UK you should be fine." Advice
Joke Number. 0383
About 90 percent of people on my Facebook account seem to have a mirror fetish, so I write
everything backwards so they can read it. Advice
Joke Number. 0384
BING - Because It's Not Google. Acronym
Joke Number. 0385
"My kid asked me what a priest was the other day. So I explained.... Pedophile Resident In Every
Small Town" acronym
Joke Number. 0386
"My son came over to me and asked, “Dad, how do you spell diarrhea?” I replied, “I don't know
son, but Doesn't It Always Run Really Horribly over Each Ankle!”" acronym
Joke Number. 0387
"If England thought their group was England Algeria Slovenia Yanks ...Then they might as well
pack their Brazil Argentina Germany Spain." Acronym
Joke Number. 0388
"I went to an AA meeting last night. The shops were closed and I needed some batteries."
Acronym
Joke Number. 0389
"What does WTC stand for? What Trade Centre." Acronym
Joke Number. 0390
"COD It's no coincidence it's an acronym for Cause of Divorce." Acronym
Joke Number. 0391
"When someone next says to you “See You Next Tuesday” ie C.U.N.T. acronym which is quite
offensive - Reply “Tuesday, Wednesday And Thursday” ie T.W.A.T. acronym! You'll have the
last laugh!" acronym
Joke Number. 0392
"Step one: Buy a sheep. Step two: Name it “Relation”. Now you have a relation sheep."
Acronym
Joke Number. 0393
Does Sri Lanka have a Prime Minister and, if so, is he the PMSL? Acronym
Joke Number. 0394
I'm thinking of setting up an Acronym Hate Group. Or AHG for short. Acronym
Joke Number. 0395
I was going to learn which pedal was which for my driving exam, but I CBA. Acronym
Joke Number. 0396
"I've been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA. I'm not
making a lot of progress." Acronym
Joke Number. 0397
"Anyone else in the UK noticed the new Tango slogan...Tango With Added Tango Now look at
the left column of letters..." acronym
Joke Number. 0398
"Hi, I am part of the A.H.S. except we call it the Abbreviation Hating Society." Acronym
Joke Number. 0399
"POV, BDSM, DP, BBW, BDWC. I'm so glad my wife can't break codes." Acronym
Joke Number. 0400
"Teacher: “Lana, can you spell you name backwards please?” Student: “yes sir” Teacher: “do
you?”" acronym
Joke Number. 0401
"I love going to my bedroom, stripping off and having a night in playing with my DS.
Sounds better than saying disabled son." Acronym
Joke Number. 0402
M.M.O.R.P.G - Many Men Online Role Playing as Girls. Acronym
Joke Number. 0403
"Obama really should have thought his next campaign through a little bit more, The War Against
Terrorism" acronym
Joke Number. 0404
"R.A.P.E.: Rough Asphyxiation People Enjoy." Acronym
Joke Number. 0405
"'I've got a new job with the World Health Organization.' 'Who?' 'That's the one.'" Acronym
Joke Number. 0406
When decorators are waiting for their paint to dry, how do they describe how boring it is?
Acronym
Joke Number. 0407
"BRB. I'm not really going anywhere but neither is this conversation." Acronym
Joke Number. 0408
"What do you call a color blind butcher? Graham" acronym
Joke Number. 0409
So glad the saying 'YOLO' came out, I was thinking we got a second shot at this thing! Acronym
Joke Number. 0410
"Just got back from the annual atheist beach party weekend, it was crazy. Oh the things I saw, I
was like O.M. ." acronym
Joke Number. 0411
FIFA: Financial Incentives from Applicants. Acronym
Joke Number. 0412
arggh! Can’t think of a catchy name for my freshly-made lemonade stall. FML acronym
Joke Number. 0413
Wish I could play piano better, but cab, are the only 3 keys I've been bothered to learn so far.
Acronym
Joke Number. 0414
"Taking the Sun's England Algeria Slovenia Yanks formula. How about the tournament of love
for the final four? Holland Uruguay Germany Spain Alternatively, the tournament of hate.
Germany Uruguay Netherlands Spain Either way, it ends in pain!" acronym
Joke Number. 0415
YOLO; You Obviously Lack Originality. Acronym
Joke Number. 0416
Raking leaves half-way through autumn is like wiping half-way through a dump. Acronym
Joke Number. 0417
"What we say, and what we actually mean. Lol = I didn't smile but I do appreciate the humor of
the event in question. Rofl = I smiled a tiny bit, and I also made a strange noise from my nose.
Lmao = I smiled, and made that strange noise again, this time in a higher pitch. Omgroflmao = I
actually laughed." Acronym
Joke Number. 0418
"Does anyone know what the acronym g2g means? Every time I ask someone they just make an
excuse to leave." Acronym
Joke Number. 0419
"A single gene that is dramatically different in chimpanzees and humans may explain why apes
cannot talk. Oh well, at least they can still communicate through rap music." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0420
"What do you get if you cross a motorway with a flock of sheep?
A flock of dead sheep." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0421
"A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Lock your dog
and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really
happy to see you?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0422
If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are
wasting everybody's time. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0423
Have you ever started to eat a horse and then realized that you weren't that hungry after all?
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0424
"My dog always barks when there's someone at the door. I don't know why, as it's never anyone
for him." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0425
"I bought a new book today called “How to end your pet's life with dignity” Even after I'd read
it, I just couldn't put it down." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0426
"I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, “I can't go on, I hate my life”. My roommate's
too selfish to notice. He's always crying." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0427
Spiderman: Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0428
90% of dogs in Korea are inbred... like in a sandwich or something. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0429
"Now, how's he going to read that magazine all rolled up like that...?" thought the spider.
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0430
"In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least threepound
live lobsters - one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should
he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and
wiggling lobsters, says: “Well I Lad die I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks
after the season closed!” The fisherman says, “No - My Son you are wrong! These are two
trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended.” The Fisheries Officer says,
“Trained like how?” “Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf
and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke,
or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them
home!” “Likely story”, the Fisheries Officer says! “Let's take them on down the wharf and see if
it's true.” So, the fisherman goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where,
under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water. The fisherman sits on a wharf
piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to
the fisherman, “How about whistling?” The fisherman says “What For?” The Fisheries Officer
says, “ To call in the Lobsters" The fisherman says, “ What Lobsters?”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0431
"What has four legs and one arm? A Doberman in a playground." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0432
"My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador. It's frightening how many Labrador
owners you see that have gone blind." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0433
My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don't worry, at least he died in comfort.
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0434
"Some you attacked me down the local park tonight with a bat. I was really impressed at how
well he'd trained It." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0435
"I saw a sign recently that said, “Dogs Die in Hot Cars.” This Advice saved me 80 in vet bills
when I had to get my Alsatian put down." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0436
“"How depressing, it's so cold and grey,” said the wife. “Well, it is January,” I replied... then I
noticed the dead elephant lying in our front room." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0437
"A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “Can you have a look at him,” he says, “I think he's
cross-eyed”. So the vet picks up the dog and examines him. “I'm going to have to put him
down,” says the vet. “Why, just because he's cross eyed?” “No,” says the vet, “because he's
heavy!”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0438
"Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who is a
good boy." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0439
"I just bought a goldfish, but unfortunately it's epileptic. The weird thing is as long as I leave it
in the bowl, its fine. The second I take it out to play fetch, it has a seizure." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0440
"People say dolphins are the most intelligent mammals other than humans, and I'm starting to
believe it's true. Within a week of being in captivity, they can train someone to stand by their
pool and give them a fish." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0441
I heard about this guy who broke into a lion's den at the zoo and got mauled. And people were
talking about how there should have been better defenses put up to prevent people getting into
the cage.. A friend of mine suggested setting up some kind of deterrent. For example, putting
some sort of fierce animal in the cage, which would attack anybody who climbed in. Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0442
I've just bought that new Lynx deodorant - breadcrumb edition. The birds can't get enough of
me! Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0443
"You got to feel sorry for bees. How unlucky can you get? Black AND Ginger." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0444
"I wrote a book on penguins. With hindsight, I realize that paper would have been easier."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0445
Who would have thought... Tiger's a Cheetah. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0446
"I'm fed up of people challenging my ethics and saying I don't do enough to better the world.
Even my coat is recycled... ...it used to be a leopard." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0447
"What's the Difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroo? One's a kangaroo and one's a
Geordie stuck in a lift." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0448
"I've bought myself a chinchilla. That should keep my face nice and cool in this warm weather."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0449
"I drove my daughter's guinea pig to the vet's this morning. I'm quite handy with my new
Callaway golf clubs." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0450
"The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” Well, swimming, I
suppose." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0451
"How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. But how did they get in there?"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0452
"I bought a race horse and decided to call it “MY FACE”. Just imagine it running down the
home straight with all the women shouting “COME ON MY FACE”!!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0453
I just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent, now he'll never have any friends. Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0454
"A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is
on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and
stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.
He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would
really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands,
he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes
back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up
and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No, no,” the penguin replies, “it's just ice cream.”"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0455
"People often say that I overuse non sequitur in my humor. To get to the other side." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0456
When you catch a fish and put it back, do you reckon it goes back to its mates and says it was
abducted by aliens? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0457
"Cigarettes are just like weasels. Both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth
and try to set fire to them..." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0458
"9 out of 10 cats prefer Whiskas. I know, I pulled them off my cat and it's never been the same
since." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0459
"A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken
down shanty-style house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner appears and
tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking
Labrador retriever >> sitting there. “You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the Lab replies. After the guy
recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what's your story?” The Lab looks up
and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the
government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.” “But the jetting
around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I
signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in.” “I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.” The guy is amazed. He
goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. “Ten dollars,” the guy says. “Ten
dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?” “Because he's a liar.
He never did any of that stuff.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0460
"A dog walks into a bar. The barman says, “Excuse me, but whose dog is this? The sign outside
clearly says NO DOGS ALLOWED” The dog says, “Well, I'm not just any dog you know.”
The barman says, “So what makes you so special?”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0461
For Sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have just bought
metal detector. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0462
"I decided to get my nephew a puppy for his birthday. As a surprise I decided to put it in a box,
wrap it & put a bow on top to disguise the actual gift. Top tip: make sure the dog isn't inside
when putting air holes in the box with a screw driver. My nephew was over the moon with his
new remote control car." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0463
Hedgehogs: Why can't they share the hedge? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0464
The Erectus Trouserius (also known as the trouser snake) is the world’s most dangerous snake.
Color varies, from pink to black. It is fang-less, average length is 5 to 9 inches depending on
subspecies. Usually appears in bedrooms but found in unusual places at times. Attacks women in
lower part of the abdominal area. It’s highly venomous spit can cause prolonged swelling lasting
9 months. It has also been known to attack men from behind. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0465
“"Pets at Home - Where Pets Come First” We'll see about that" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0466
How is it that the people in the Churchill advert are completely OK with a talking dog, yet when
this talking dog starts making wild claims they suddenly become all cynical? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0467
"My dog is a blacksmith. Every time I open the front door he makes a bolt for it." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0468
If moths like light so much, why don't they just come out during the day? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0469
The Korean Canine Society has launched its festive campaign. The slogan is "A dog is not just
for Christmas. It should do for Boxing Day as well." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0470
My dog kept getting up in the middle of the night and setting the house alarm off. My wife told
me to disable it, so I broke its legs with a golf club. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0471
I've always wanted to swim with dolphins - but they keep dying on the bus on the way to the
swimming baths. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0472
"Accidentally ran over and killed the neighbor’s cat this morning.
With a chainsaw." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0473
My dog is worried about the economy. Dog food is up to $3.00 per can. That's $21.00 in dog
money! Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0474
"What lies on the ground 100ft in the air? A dead Centipede." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0475
"Scientists have discovered that some fish have pedophile tendencies. Specifically, the ones that
swim outside the school." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0476
"I saw a flock of baby flamingo chicks being really naughty today. I think the parents need to put
their foot down." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0477
Is the Isle of Dogs the Isle of Man's best friend? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0478
"Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0479
"I've just been offered eight legs of venison for 50.Is that too dear?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0480
"Sometimes, I really hate myself. But that's just life when you're a racist chameleon." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0481
It's ironic that I can't seem to find anywhere to insure my pet Market. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0482
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dogs they are adopted? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0483
"I took my son's goldfish to the vet today but it died just before we got there. I knew I should
have put some air holes in the cardboard box." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0484
"Went to the zoo yesterday. The meerkats didn't look impressed when I asked them about car
insurance. Guess they hear it all the time." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0485
Convincing a dog that I really threw the ball is the closest I'll ever get to being a magician.
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0486
"I'm having some problems with my new Staffordshire bull terrier - I rang the vet for some
Advice. I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and liable to attack anyone for no good
reason. The vet replied, “Muzzle 'im?” “No,” I said, “I think he's an atheist.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0487
"A feller was sitting on a park bench eating his lunch when an old lady with a poodle walked up.
The dog was pestering the guy for some food, so he asks the old lady, “Is it ok if I throw him a
bit?” She says, “Sure, go ahead.” The feller grabbed the dog by the neck and chucked it over the
hedge." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0488
"What's got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0489
"A guy came into my shop wanting 10 bees to make his own honey. I put them in a jar, and he
said, “There are 11 in here mate.” I said, “I know, one's a freebie”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0490
"I threw a hedgehog at a dArtboard once... Scored 3480." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0491
"A dog goes into a telegram office and asks to send a message. “I want it to say 'woof woof woof
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof'“ The man says, “You have paid
10 and only used 14 words. You can add another one at no extra charge.” The dog says, “But
then it wouldn't make any sense.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0492
"The hedgehog made his way down to the riverbank and very slowly walked into the water. As it
got deeper, he soldiered on, gasping for breath. Suddenly he disappeared under and was only just
able to get back to the bank. After resting for 10 minutes, the hedgehog tried again, after going
under twice more he managed to get back to dry land before collapsing. This time it took him
longer to recover but once he felt fit enough he started back into the water. Two ducks were
watching from the other side of the bank and one said to the other, “Come on George, don't you
think it's time we told him he was adopted?”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0493
"A British aquarium claims to have the world's first vegetarian shark. Either that or they're
playing a really good prank on Nigel the tank cleaner." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0494
"It was a very sad day when I took my cat to the vet. The vet looked at me and said, “I'm afraid
your cat won't last long, it's the big C...” “What? Cancer?” I replied. “No,” he answered,
“curiosity.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0495
"I wanted to start a business grooming dogs. It's not doing too well at the moment though. Not
enough dogs have MSN." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0496
"What did the blind, deaf and dumb girl call her dog? Eeeuuuurrrrhhhh!!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0497
"I was told today by the council that my dog had to be neutered. There is no way that I can
afford to do this at a vet... ...So I dyed him ginger." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0498
"We had to say goodbye to our German shepherd yesterday. Auf wiedersehen, pet." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0499
Snakes. They're like bits of rope, only angrier. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0500
"What do you call a gorilla named Geoff? Geoff." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0501
Leotard.... A lion with downs syndrome Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0502
"My boss accused me of “acting the monkey” at work. I almost choked on my banana" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0503
"I broke into a pet shop today and stole a rabbit. Then I made a run for It." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0504
"People say that marijuana is good for you because it's natural, but they don't realize that just
because it's natural doesn't mean its safe. Want to know what else is natural?
Bears." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0505
“"Have you got any kittens going cheap?” asked a customer in a pet shop. “No, sir,” replied the
owner. “All our kittens go 'Meow'.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0506
"The dog was sitting next to his owner at the movies. He was barking excitedly and wagging his
tail every time the hero was on screen, and growling ferociously every time the villain appeared.
The man sitting behind them, totally fascinated by what he sees, taps the owner on the shoulder
and says, “Excuse me that dog is extraordinary. I've never seen anything like it before.” “I'm
surprised too,” says the dog's owner. “He hated the book.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0507
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0508
Crouching tiger hidden hydrant. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0509
"How do you make a walrus commit suicide? Point at its chest and say “What's that?”" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0510
"The bee. Nature's very own suicide bomber." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0511
If your pet iguana is sick, do you have a reptile dysfunction? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0512
"Did you know... An iguana can stay underwater for 28 minutes. Or longer... If you don't mind it
dying" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0513
"It looks like we've got a new postman. He just laughed when he came through the gate that has
a sign “Beware of the Cat”. Must be his first time delivering to Safari World." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0514
"The Unforgettable Elephant Story In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after
graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young
bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan
approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and
found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan
worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for
several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Dan never forgot that
elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo
with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned
and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. we’re standing. The large bull elephant
stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that
several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter
in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Dan summoned up his
courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one
of Dan’s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the
same elephant." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0515
"Has anyone in the Brighton area lost a small black and white kitten? Because I've just run it
over." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0516
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought - he's trying to pull a fast one Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0517
My new budgie started to tweet this morning, strange I thought, because I'm not sure how he
managed to turn on my laptop. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0518
I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realize that it would be largely pointless.
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0519
"Looking late at night for the lost Family dog is a bit like mine and my wife's marriage. We both
know it's dead, but we keep trying for the kids." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0520
"What did the dad buffalo say when he left his son? Bison." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0521
"What's the biggest draw back in the Jungle? An elephant's foreskin!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0522
"A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barman says, “Why the long face?” Observing
closely from the other side of the bar, I realized my LSD addiction had gone too far." AnimalsInsects
Joke Number. 0523
"Our dog gave birth today. It had a litter of eight puppies. My wife said they were so cute she
could just eat them up. But was she grateful when I cooked one?!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0524
"After accidentally eating a fly, in the vein of the nursery rhyme, I ate a spider, a bird, a cat, a
dog, a goat, a cow and a horse. Or, as it's more commonly known, a kebab." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0525
"It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things. Like wild dogs." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0526
Spice up your hamster's boring life by hiding a bowl of Ready Brek under the sawdust and
placing a sign saying "Danger, Quicksand" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0527
"My girlfriend wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat. My mate told me that they are really
expensive, so I've bought 2 normal cats and glued their heads together." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0528
I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0529
"What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo? Shut down by the RSPCA." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0530
"What do you use a wombat for? Playing wom." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0531
"What's grey and comes in pints? An elephant." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0532
"What Orchestra instruments do Meerkats play? Cymbals." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0533
"What do a short-sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common? They both have wet noses."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0534
"Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “what are you up to
there, Tim?” “My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I've just buried
him.” The neighbor was concerned. “That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?” Tim
patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “that's because he's inside your cat.”" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0535
"What did the slug say to the snail? “Big issue, sir?”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0536
"I felt terrible about killing a wild bear with a knife and a shovel. However I've learned that when
one of them approaches your Children you have to be willing to strike hard and fast. I also
learned that Koalas aren't great fighters." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0537
"I fancy a nice bit of rabbit for my tea tonight. Could any of you tell me whether it's cheaper
from a butchers or a pet shop?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0538
"My girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn't want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat..."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0539
"Unicorns do exist. Only they're fat, grey and we call them rhinos." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0540
I've named my dog "Cash Reward"' so if it ever goes missing and I put up posters people will
look for him, but I won't have to pay up when he's found. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0541
"An old farmer's dog goes missing and he is inconsolable. His wife says to him, “why don't you
put an ad in the paper to get him back”. The farmer does this, but after two weeks the dog is still
missing. “What did you write in the paper?” asked his wife. “Here boy,” said the farmer."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0542
"What do elephants and grapes have in common? They both have trunks, except for the grapes."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0543
"My neighbor has just walked past with two dogs. I said, “I didn't know you had any dogs.” She
said, “They're not my dogs, they're my sisters.” I said, “Your sisters are very ugly.”" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0544
"Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got It." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0545
“"Eat your dinner,” I said to my young son. “I don't want to!” he replied, pushing his plate away.
“Look, I know you're upset about the death of your dog,” I began, “but as long as you avoid the
fur, he's actually quite delicious.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0546
"My daughter's guinea pig committed suicide today. I was driving home from the vet's
deliberating whether we could justify the 80 the vet wanted to perform an operation, when,
inexplicably, it leapt right out of the car window." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0547
"A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What
are you doing?” she asked. “Hunting flies” he responded. “Oh. Killing any?” she asked. “Yes,
three males and two Females,” he replied. Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell?” He replied,
“Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0548
"When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain
and gag himself." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0549
"I've just dropped my cat in an ice cream maker. Who wants a McFluffy?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0550
"If monkeys are related to humans... How come you never see them at weddings?" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0551
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're very good at it! Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0552
"When I was little, I thought that being a vet would be the greatest job in the world. But then I
got older and found out that it's actually a lot more work than just putting down cats all day."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0553
"I took my 6 year old son to the zoo last week. We were walking around the various cages and
enclosures when all of a sudden he yells, Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant! I was shocked and
slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. What did you call it? I asked. It’s a frickin'
Elephant, it says so on the picture! he said, ... and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0554
"Two lions walking down a supermarket aisle. One turns to the other and says, “Quiet in here
today, isn't it?”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0555
"What's Black and White and eats like a horse? A zebra." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0556
"For anybody who's scared of this wind, just imagine how those poor little spiders must be
feeling. And for anybody scared of spiders, they can now fly." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0557
"They say that when you cut a worm in two one end will wriggle. Not if you cut it length ways."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0558
"My dog just loves chasing cars, he howls and barks and jumps around with joy. It's funny
though, he just walks off when he hears anything else by Snow Patrol." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0559
"I was bearing down on the keeper with the ball at my feet, he came out shouting and waving his
arms, evidently trying to put me off. He was unsuccessful, I rounded him and unleashed a
ferocious shot.. And completely smashed his beehive to bits." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0560
"My next door neighbor keeps racing pigeons... but the pigeons always win." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0561
"The male gypsy moth can smell the female gypsy moth from a distance of 7 miles. The above
sentence is also true if you remove the word “moth”." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0562
"What is the brown stuff between Elephant's toes? Slow Natives." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0563
"I threw my cat into a swimming pool filled with milk. He did a few laps." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0564
"A rich Barnsley lad wants to commemorate his well-loved dog, who has just died, by making a
gold statue of it, so he pops off to his local jeweler. He says to the jeweler, “Can thee make me a
gold statue o' me dog?” The jeweller replies, “Certainly, sir. Would you like it 18 carat?” To
which the Barnsley lad says, “No, daft lad, I want it chewing a bone!”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0565
"I looked after my gran's place while she was away. She came back today and rang me up: “Why
the cat in the birdcage is and where is the budgie?” I said, “Technically speaking gran, the
budgie's still in the cage.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0566
"What's pink and hard? A pig with a flick knife!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0567
"I've got the memory of an elephant. I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an
elephant." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0568
“"Goldfish have a memory that only lasts for five seconds.” If Google Chrome had that, I'd still
be in a relationship." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0569
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0570
"Apparently, Penguins mate for life. Course they do... It's not like they're going to find a more
attractive Penguin." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0571
Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0572
"What do you call a bears with no ears? B" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0573
I seem to be seeing a lot of people out walking Staffordshire Bull Terriers at the moment,
especially round Council Estates and the like. I'll be honest, I really don't like them. They are
ugly, muscular, vicious, and unintelligent and seem liable to attack you for no reason. Their
dogs, on the other hand, I quite like. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0574
"Woman goes into a butcher's... “I'd like an oxtail please”. “Certainly”, replies the butcher,
“Once there was an ox...”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0575
"I rang the zoo earlier today and got the fax machine by mistake. Either that or the Dolphins are
a lot smArter than we think." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0576
"A frogs perspective on life; Time's fun when you’re having flies." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0577
"I found a little lost puppy this morning down my road. Luckily he had his address written on his
collar, so I knew straight away where to send the ransom note." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0578
"The sign on the door said “Guide dogs welcome”. As I entered the shop, a Labrador greeted me,
thanked me for shopping with them and took my coat." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0579
"My whisky kept going missing so I confronted the wife. She told me that the guilty party was
the Family dog. I found it staggering." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0580
Originally, God wanted wasps to pollinate flowers but that didn't work so he resorted to Plan Bee
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0581
"I have just come back from a short break in Korea.. Let me tell you their “Slush Puppies” are
nothing like ours." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0582
"I know my goldfish loves it when I take him out of his bowl. He wags his tail a lot." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0583
"A snail can travel over a razor blade without cutting itself. Or to put it another way, sometimes
scientists get bored." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0584
"My 100ft snake died today. So long..." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0585
"I must have the smArtest dog in the world. I once asked him what 7 times 7 minus 49 was - he
said nothing." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0586
"A Giraffe. The result of upper cutting a horse." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0587
"I saw a sign in a restaurant “chicken dinner 50p.” I went in and ordered one and the waiter
brought me a plate of bird seed." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0588
Do you think that Pandas know that they are Chinese and are taking the one baby rule a bit
seriously? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0589
"Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is one of the few Animals that can
make its own custard." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0590
My girlfriend lets me into the zoo after it's closed for the day. She's definitely a keeper. AnimalsInsects
Joke Number. 0591
"What's the fastest animal alive? An Ethiopian chicken." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0592
"I tried to teach my dog how to fetch. He just doesn't get it." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0593
"I named my new rabbit Floppy. He has Erectile Dysfunction." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0594
"How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Stick it in the microwave until it`s Bill Withers!"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0595
I've always been amazed by the Dolly the Sheep story. It's amazing to know we've managed to
make a clone of a sheep. Just imagine that, a field full of sheep that all look the same. Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0596
"I was listening to music in my bedroom when my dog walked in on me practicing the robot.
He's actually getting pretty good at it." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0597
"I was playing the piano when an elephant walked in. He started crying his eyes out! I said, “oh,
you recognize the tune?” The elephant said, “no, I recognize the ivory.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0598
"I love watching Animals eating on the Internet. I'm watching a live feed now." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0599
"I had a psychic chicken. It was always crossing over to the other side." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0600
"When was the last time a boxer became champion and then sat in the ring? Crufts 1964."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0601
"Two dragons go into a pub. The first says, “It's hot in here isn't it?” The other replies, “Shut
your mouth.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0602
Imagine the difficulty and discomfort a giraffe gets when trying to throw up. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0603
"What came first, the chicken or the egg? ...Neither. No-one came until the rooster did."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0604
"Cash my gold returned my package with a note attached saying they had forwarded my details
to the RSPCA. Apparently goldfish weren't what they were after." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0605
"I saw a sign on the A1 today that read, “ CAUTION - HORSE DRAWN VEHICLES AHEAD”.
I was just impressed that they could hold a pencil." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0606
"Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly: “I was Artificially
inseminated this morning.” “I don't believe you,” replies Dolly. “It's true, no bull!”" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0607
“"Can you do an impression of a parrot?” asked my mate. “Can you do an impression of a
parrot?” I replied." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0608
"I've just moved into my new flat and there isn't any room to swing a cat. So I kicked it to death."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0609
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0610
"I've just been given the sack from the pet shop. We've got far too many kittens again." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0611
"A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his
window. The bee said, “What seems to be the problem”? “I'm out of petrol.” The bee told the
man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of
bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. “Try it now,”
said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. “Wow!” the man
exclaimed. “What did you put in my petrol tank”? The bee answered, “BP.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0612
"A man walks into a bar and asks the bArtender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give
me a free drink?” The bArtender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches,
cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked
the bArtender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the
evening?” The bArtender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and
pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The
man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the
rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him
$100,000.00 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the man replies, “he's not for sale.” The stranger increases
the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he's not for sale.” The stranger again
increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over
to the stranger in exchange for the money. “Are you insane?” the bArtender demanded. “That
frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don't
worry about it.” the man answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a
ventriloquist.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0613
"An eight-year-old boy went into a shop and picked out a large box of washing powder. The
shopkeeper asked him if he had a lot of washing to do. “Oh, no,” the boy said, “I'm going to
wash my dog.” “But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog,” said the shopkeeper. “It's very
powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.” But the
boy was not to be stopped and carried the washing powder to the counter and paid for it. A week
later, the boy was back in the store to buy some sweets. The shopkeeper asked the boy how his
dog was doing. “Oh, he died,” the boy said. The shopkeeper said he was sorry, but added, “I tried
to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.” “Well, the boy replied, “I don't think it was the
washing powder that killed him.” “Oh? What was it then?” “I think it was the spin cycle!”"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0614
"I thought it was cute to name my dog 'trouble', but I keep getting beaten up whenever I lose
him." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0615
"Why did the kitten cross the road? Because my football's got a puncture." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0616
"I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an
aquarium?” I said, “I don't care what star sign it is.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0617
"What's purple and falls out of trees? A monkey's miscarriage." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0618
"Two blokes are arguing about which of their dogs is smArter. The first bloke says, “My dog is
so clever, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around, then he takes the newspaper
and brings it to me.” The second man says, “I know.” “How do you know?” asks the first bloke.
“My dog told me.” says the second man." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0619
"My girlfriend's cat died today. It was really hard trying to explain to her how he died... ...and
even harder to explain why I ate him afterwards." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0620
"One day, a farmer woke up to find that all 100 of his cows had died. Without his cows, he is
ruined. So he goes to the nearby lake, and drowns himself. The oldest brother wakes up, reads
the note left by his father, and decides that life isn't worth living. So he goes to the lake to drown
himself as well. There is a mermaid there. She tells the boy that if he can screw her 5 times, she
will resurrect his father, and the cows. Anyway, the boy tries his best, but only can do it 3 times.
So, she kills him. The second oldest brother goes to the lake to drown himself, and the mermaid
is there. She says that if he screws her 10 times in a row, she will resurrect his father, brother,
and cows. He tries his best, but only can get it up 8 times. The youngest brother then goes to the
lake. The mermaid tells him that he must do it with her 20 times. He looks at her, bemused, and
then says “What about 100 times? Or 200?” The mermaid goes “Err, you think that you can
handle it?” And he replies “Sure! How do you think all the cows died???”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0621
"Two parrots on a perch. One turns to the other and says, “Can you smell fish?”" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0622
"I phoned my wife at work. “We're out of rabbit food. What shall I give them?” “Give them
some carrots,” she said, “and make sure you skin them first.” I called back an hour later.
“They're not eating the carrots. In fact, they're not doing much at all.” “That's odd,” she said, “I
know,” I said. “Now, what shall I do with all this fur?”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0623
"If carrots are meant to be good for your eyes, then why there are so many dead rabbits on our
roads?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0624
"I accidentally ran over a cat today. It was okay but its tail had fallen off. Luckily I took it to
Tesco, Britain's biggest retailer." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0625
"A guy takes his dog to the vet. When the vet has checked the dog, he says to the guy “Say 'aah'
please, sir.” The guy asks “Why do you want ME to say 'aah'?” The vet replies “Because your
dog's dead.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0626
"There was a cow on the loose in the neighborhood yesterday. Can't have been mine, she was
ironing all day." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0627
"Not everyone hates Muslims. Mosquitos find them very attractive." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0628
"I've just been into my local pet shop. I said, “How much is that doggy in the window?” “The
one with the waggly tail?” the owner replied, laughing. “No, the one with three legs. I've only
got twenty quid,” I replied." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0629
"I asked the chemist, “What's best for nasty insect bites?” “Probably mosquitos,” he replied."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0630
"What do you call a group of rabbits hopping backwards? Receding hairline." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0631
"Remember a tortoise is for life. So once he's died, hollow him out and use him as an ashtray."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0632
"I recently went out on a date with a dolphin. We just clicked..." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0633
"My dog's got synesthesia. How does he smell? Purple." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0634
"I saw a monkey playing the drums today. Baboon tsh!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0635
"What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0636
"A little old lady takes her dead cats to a taxidermist to be stuffed. “Would you like them
mounted?” Asked the taxidermist. “Oooo no....”says the lady, “just snuggled up next to each
other.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0637
Just saw the neighbor’s little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he
overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0638
I went into an internet chat room for people who like Animals last night. I was pretending to be a
horse. I got chatting to a really nice guy, but after about half an hour I realized he was grooming
me. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0639
"Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic? To get away from America" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0640
"I was riding a horse yesterday and its leg broke, so I had to shoot it. All the other kids on the
carousel started screaming." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0641
“"Sponsor a Dog for Life by sending just two pounds a month, and your dog will write to you”
says the advert. If the dog's literate, can't it earn its own money with some sort of administrative
job?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0642
"Someone just called my mate an ape. I took offense because he's my prime mate." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0643
"I recently tried to save a dog from drowning whilst on holiday in China... ...but I burnt my hand
on the saucepan." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0644
"My Son came home crying and told me that the old bloke next door had burst his football with a
knife because he was sick of it ending up in his garden. “Don't worry, Son.” I said, “We'll do the
same to him next time something of his is in our garden.” “What do you mean Dad?” He asked.
“You’ll see.” I replied with a wink. “Now put this bowl of cat food outside.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0645
"Why do elephants have big ears? Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0646
I bought a new dog yesterday. I've named him Rolex.......he's a watchdog Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0647
"What's the Difference between a fish and a mountain goat? One mucks about in fountains..."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0648
"Peperami, it's a bit of an animal. I've no idea which animal though, or which bit."Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0649
Snip...Sniiiip. Hmmm. Nope, seems that cats look better WITH ears... Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0650
"How do you make a cat flap? Throw it off a cliff." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0651
I have a dog with no legs. We call it "Cigarette", because you have to take it outside for a drag.
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0652
"Some people wish their pets could talk. I don't. They might tell." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0653
"What do you get if you cross a lion and a tiger? Mauled" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0654
"albert Gordon posted: My Father said that he is so fed up of all my pets, the next one I get he is
going to drown. I'm seriously considering getting a shark.--------------------------I'd get a pet
toaster." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0655
"A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept
some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and
beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the
zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means “screw you”
in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed
revenge. The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a
large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the
gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics,
he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the
bag, and put it on. Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out,
picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out
of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked
at the man, and pulled down his eyelid." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0656
"Why didn't the Chicken cross the road? He saw what happened to the Zebra." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0657
"What did the elephant say to the naked man? “How do you breathe through something so
small?”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0658
Pandas are the least racist animal. They're black, white and Asian. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0659
'Animals Do the Funniest Things' sent my video back with a note asking me to seek help.
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0660
I've got a dog called Curiosity. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0661
"We're what you might call the average Family. There's me, the wife, and 2.4 kids. We used to
have 3 kids... ...then we got the Pit bull..." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0662
"My little girl came in crying her eyes out. “Daddy! Daddy! Fluffy is lying still in his hutch. I
think he may be dead.” So I went to have a look. Sure enough he was. “Daddy, why is his Willie
sticking out?” I now regret quipping, “I guess old rabbits die hard.” The bawling sounds like it
could go on all day." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0663
In the pursuit of scientific answers, Animals have been tortured for the past 100 years. They're
still not talking. I'm starting to think they don't know anything. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0664
I tried water polo once and my horse drowned. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0665
I had a pet spider when I was younger. I discovered that when I shouted 'LEFT' he went left, and
when I shouted 'RIGHT' he went right, and when I pulled his legs off. . . . he went deaf.
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0666
"What did one lesbian frog say to the other? By God, we DO taste like chicken!!!" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0667
I finally managed to teach my dog to beg. Last night he came home with fifty pounds. Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0668
"I've just met a deer who could write with both his left and right hooves. He said he was
ambidextrous." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0669
"I and a few friends went out for a meal the other week, we all decided we would try the duck...
I always seem to get stuck with the bill." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0670
"I saw my mate Dan the other day and he'd bought himself a dog -- a great Dane. I said “What's
with the pooch, mate?” He said “Research shows that people who own dogs live ten years
longer”. I had to laugh when it dragged him under a bus!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0671
"I put a zebra through the scanner at Tesco's. Cost me 400." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0672
"Rottweiler for sale. Very fond of people. Reluctant to let go." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0673
"I shouted abuse at some cows and all I got back were blank stares. So I yelled, “You herd!”"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0674
"How do you make a bear cross? Nail two of them together." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0675
"You know what gets my goat? El chupacabra" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0676
"What's the Difference between a cow and a hamster? A cow survives branding." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0677
"Has anyone seen the new Shaun the Sheep DVD Shaun the Sheep Goes to Wales RATED 18"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0678
I decided to start my own business caring for pets left behind when their owners go on holiday
when I saw how much a friend of mine had made after starting his Cattery. I don't know much
about cats, but I know how to look after bugs. I haven't had much business though. Maybe it's the
sign on the front of the building... Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0679
"In the countryside, a guy's car gets stuck in a muddy rut. Fortunately, a farmer is just walking
his strong-looking shire horse past. “Don't worry, there,” says the farmer, hitching the horse to
the car. “Soon have you out.” Then he calls out to the horse “Pull, Dobbin!” But the horse
doesn't budge, so he tells it “Pull, Barney!” Still no response, so he says “Pull, Harry!” and this
time, the horse gives an almighty tug and the car comes free. “That's great, thanks very much,”
says the driver, and then asks “Couldn't you remember his name or something?” “No, it's just
that Harry's blind,” says the farmer. “He wouldn't bother trying if he thought he was the only one
pulling.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0680
A bit of Advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0681
"What animal mauls you, then starts to cry? A bipolar bear." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0682
"I think these animal rights protesters have double standards. Why do they only throw red paint
over posh women in mink? If they feel so strongly about people wearing coats made from dead
Animals then why aren't they down the local bikers pub splattering everyone in Deluxe?"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0683
"A dog's New Year's Resolution: I will not chase that stick unless I actually see it leave his
hand!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0684
"What’s the stupidest animal in the jungle? Polar Bear" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0685
If dolphins were as smArt as people say, they'd stop hanging around with tuna fish. Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0686
"I was walking along the beach today, when I stopped to throw pebbles in the sea. The wife will
go mad, she loved that dog." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0687
If you want to know how many bees Noah had... check the Ark Hives Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0688
Police reported earlier today that a cattle truck had tipped on its side, killing the driver and all
100 cattle on board. The Family of the driver announced there will be a memorial service to
commemorate the driver, followed by an all-you-can-eat barbecue. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0689
"A business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following:
HELP WANTED-Must be able to type, have computer skills, and be bilingual. We are an Equal
Opportunity Employer. A dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked
at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a
bit. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the
dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into
the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I
can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the
typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the
manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but
then told the dog, “The sign also says you have to be good with a computer.” The dog jumped
down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect
spreadsheet that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time, the manager was totally dumbfounded!
He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have
some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job.” The dog jumped down and
went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal
Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be
bilingual.” The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, “Meow.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0690
"I went for skills rather than looks when I picked my new dog I got an ex-police drug-sniffer
dog. I'll tell you what, he comes in handy at parties." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0691
I've named my dog Madness. When people come round I introduce him by saying "This is
Madness!", my flat mate then jumps out and screams "THIS IS SPARTA!" and kicks me in the
chest. Worth it. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0692
"What’s pink and disabled? A flamingo." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0693
"Got a letter today from my gran asking me to look after the dog while she's away for the month.
Unluckily for Alfie, she posted it two weeks ago." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0694
"What do you call an aardvark that has just been beaten up? A vark." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0695
"Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0696
"It's just taken me 3 hours to bury my son's cat. Probably would have been faster if it was dead."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0697
I went out this weekend and bought a new Jack Russell puppy for the Family. It's black & brown
with a small white area...so I called it Birmingham... Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0698
"I went to the dentist. He said, “Say Aaah.” I said, “Why?” He said, “My dog's died.”" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0699
"This chicken came up to me today and said “Buck, Buck, Buck” I'd never heard such fowl
language." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0700
"When my girlfriend got her new kitten, she said that she wished it would be that cute forever.
She's going to be so surprised when I get it stuffed for her birthday." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0701
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0702
"I went into the pet shop yesterday and said, “My two cats keep bringing fleas into the house, do
you have anything to stop it?” “Sure,” replied the cashier, “Rub this powder all over their fur and
it should kill them within 24 hours.” She was right, I woke up this morning and both cats were
dead." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0703
"It's only lunchtime and I've already broken 2 of my resolutions. At least the third is safe until I
find a goat." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0704
My dog swallowed my TV remote control. Now, I have to pat his back to get the BBC, press his
stomach to get Sky, rub his neck to get ITV... and decided I could do without Channel 4.
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0705
"What's black and white and red all over? A penguin that has been rescued by the American
R.S.P.C.A" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0706
"Being a vet, I'm always looking for ways to brighten up the horrible task of putting down
Animals. Do you think the CD tray from a computer would make a good hamster guillotine?"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0707
"A famous Art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk
from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer
is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat
for two dollars. The storeowner replies “I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says,
“Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that
cat.” And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat. The collector continues, “Hey, for the
twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me
from having to get a dish.” And the owner says, “Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far
this week I've sold sixty-eight cats.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0708
"If you leave a dog in a car on a hot day without water or ventilation, it could be dead in 15
minutes. However, I've discovered that if I put the heating on as well, I can get it down to about
five." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0709
Cats and drunks - people who can make themselves comfortable anywhere. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0710
"NEWSFLASH - An Old English Sheep dog has been found hanging from a tree in the Southern
states of the USA. The police say the Deluxe Klan did it." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0711
"How come when it's a human it’s an abortion; But when it's a chicken it's an omelet?" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0712
How come David Attenborough is always at the right place at the right time when a "once in a
thousand years" nature event happens? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0713
"Have you ever seen a goldfish bowl? I just saw one get a strike." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0714
"I went to Cheltenham yesterday after hearing it was a great place to see lovely 10 year olds
getting ridden. I was let down. It was a horse racing event." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0715
"I've just been to the Galapagos Islands and wiped out all the giant tortoises....... It was turtle
annihilation." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0716
"What do you call a three legged donkey? Glue." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0717
Black Beauty, now there's a dark horse Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0718
You say 'tortoise', I say 'organic flesh light'. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0719
"Tired? Stressed? Fed up of having grey hair? Tough....you're a squirrel" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0720
"What do you get when you cross a lion with a pen? Eaten by a lion." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0721
"Two goats were behind a Hollywood studio eating an old movie reel. One goat said to the other:
“Pretty good, huh?” The second goat replied: “Yeah, but not as good as the book.”" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0722
"How long is a hair on a rabbit's back? About 10 minutes." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0723
I went to the safari park yesterday. When you go past the lions bit they ask you to keep your
windows and doors shut. I had to - or my wife would've got back in. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0724
"What do you do if a herd of elephants come over the hill? Swim for it!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0725
"Curiosity killed the cat, But I want to know how........" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0726
"What do you call a panda deep in thought? A panda." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0727
"Some race horses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In
the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!” Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I've
won 19!!” “Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!”, says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. “I don't mean to
boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!” The horses are
clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0728
"My daughter loves reptiles so for her birthday, as money was tight, I told her I had bought her a
Chameleon... She's been looking for it for three days." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0729
"Be careful using predictive text whilst driving in bad weather. I sent my boss a text the other
day saying “Sorry I'm late, stuck in dog.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0730
"I took my dog for a moonlit walk along the beach last night... ...and yet she still claims I'm
incapable of romance!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0731
"I sent my dog to his kennel and he blew it up. He was a Yorkshire terrorist." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0732
"Spud rifle posted: Anybody else going to eat cat food for dinner? I know I am s ------------
Reminds me of the time I bet a mate I could eat a dog food sandwich. I didn't Win a lot."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0733
"Why are there no pigs in Saudi Arabia? Because they are not prepared to live with a bunch of
filthy, stinking Arabs." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0734
"My horse will only let me ride it in the dark. It's a nightmare!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0735
"I was doing some experiments in the laboratory the other day. I dipped a gazelle in some Nitric
acid - it melted but nothing too exciting happened. I sprinkled shrimps into Sulphur - they got
burnt slightly, but it wasn't that spectacular. I then dropped a Panda into some Ammonia -
suddenly, there was pandemonium everywhere!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0736
"When i was on Holiday in Canada I saw a sign that said this We advise that you wear noisy
little bells on your clothing so as not to startle bears. We also advise you to carry pepper spray in
case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear
activity. You should recognize the Difference between Black Bear and Grizzly Bear droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear
droppings have little bells in it and smell like pepper." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0737
"Two bats hanging in a cave and one says to the other “The thing that worries me most about
getting old is incontinence”." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0738
"What can zebras have that no other Animals can have? Baby zebras." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0739
"I went to see a flea circus today, but all the fleas suddenly and mysteriously disappeared. That
left us all scratching our heads." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0740
Slugs are just snails that didn't keep up the mortgage payments. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0741
"What do you get if you cross a Monkey with a Scouser? Nothing. The monkeys are far too
clever to screw a Liverpudlian." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0742
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0743
If man did not evolve from apes, how come we like PG tips as much as they do? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0744
“"Here we have a rare creature to these lands. Not native to the South Pole, this mammal can be
found observing in numbers of 3-4, standing on its hind legs and seeing through the one big eye
that extends out from the rest of its face. Feeding primarily on a diet of packaged food, what a
peculiar creature it is.” A penguin's account of a BBC natural history camera crew." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0745
Do cats think its bad luck when a black person crosses their path? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0746
There is a place on this Earth for all of God's creatures - right next to the mashed potatoes.
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0747
In honour of Wally the whale that died in the River Thames a couple of years ago, Vera Lynn is
to produce a tribute record, which is to be called "Whale Meat Again". Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0748
"I spent a year breeding rabbits. It was a hare raising experience." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0749
"My wife gets all teary eyed when she sees seals being clubbed on the telly, but she doesn't think
twice about asking me to whack a spider in the bath with a newspaper. And what's a spider doing
with a newspaper, anyway?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0750
"What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't really matter it won't come anyway" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0751
To ease the overcrowding in prisons why don’t they release the murderers but make them wear a
little bell round their necks. This method has certainly worked on my cat which used to kill no
end of birds, but has not killed one since I fixed it to his collar. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0752
"What do you call a cow that has had an abortion? Decalfinated." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0753
"How do you get two whales in a car? Down the M4." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0754
"I just read that China's last Giant Panda fell into quicksand. The WWF say it hasn't quite sunk in
yet." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0755
"What looks like a rainbow and brings laughter and joy to so many? An exploding parrot."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0756
"They say “you are what you eat”... ...so why doesn't duck taste like bread..?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0757
"I went to a restaurant, and really could have eaten a horse. But I stopped after the mane."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0758
"Geese and swans mate for life. That would explain why it's very common for geese and swans
to fly into jet engines." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0759
"My wife just text me, “Wolfs are mythological creatures right?” I could not believe the
stupidity. Everyone knows “wolves” is plural." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0760
"Apparently in Hong Kong it is customary after a meal to spit the bones out on the table.
So, anyway, I'm there enjoying my Dog and chips, and after finishing this wonderful meal, spat
the bones out. Only while looking at the bones did the thought occur to me:-
That's a shame. The Dog would have loved them" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0761
"Did you know it takes 40 pigs to make 3,000 sausages? It's amazing what you can teach them"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0762
"I regret marrying a Himalayan cattle herder. All she ever does is complain about how homesick
she is. “Yak, yak, yak.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0763
"BBC News: “Giant bird found on hobbit island” So, just a normal bird then?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0764
"A Horse walks into a Bar carrying a pair of Jump-Leads... The Barman says “I don't mind the
long face, but if you try and start anything you're out!”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0765
"I knocked on a guy’s house the other day “I'm really sorry mate but my Cat's just killed your
dog” “Impossible!” He exclaimed, “My dog is a 90lb Pit bull terrier, It would tear a cat to
shreads, what happened?!” “Well I was digging up the road with it and I backed up over him”"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0766
"Through a Greenpeace scheme, I've already adopted a whale, a dolphin and a monkey ... I'm
really not looking forward to the day I get them all together and break it to them who their real
father is." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0767
"My wife is so attached to her new puppy. I love superglue pranks." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0768
"My cat gave birth in the middle of our street today. The council fined me for littering."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0769
Unicorns are basically horses with strap-ons... Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0770
Once I found a skull in the woods. The first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious
about it. I picked it up and started wondering who this person was, and why he had antlers.
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0771
My dog recently swallowed a whole set of alphabet fridge magnets. He's been leaving little
messages around the house. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0772
Every time the doorbell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner. He's a boxer. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0773
"I cleaned my fish out last night. Can't believe how bad they are at poker!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0774
"I'm so upset having my pet chameleon put down, but the vet was right. What's the point in
carrying on if he wasn't going to change." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0775
"My daughter screamed when I did her hair up in pigtails. She doesn't want to visit the abattoir
again." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0776
You know you had a good night clubbing when the RSPCA turn up at your door the next
morning. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0777
"They say the early bird catches the worm. On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0778
"There is no sense in running from your problems. Unless they are lions" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0779
"When I found out my missus' pet spider was on the loose, I went and bought a tank... That
should enable me to fire at it from a reasonably safe distance." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0780
"I got fired a few days into my job as a vet, when a woman brought in a sick hedgehog.
Apparently, up down left right A B C start isn't an appropriate cure." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0781
"What's invisible and smells like carrots.... .. Rabbit farts." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0782
"There were two hedgehogs sitting by the road. The first hedgehog said “I've got this really cool
game we can play” the hedgehog went into the middle of the road, curled up into a ball and a car
drove over him. The hedgehog said “now it’s your turn” “no way that's to scary” said the second
hedgehog. “No look, it's really easy” said the hedgehog as he went into the middle of the road
and curled up into a ball and a car drove over him. The first hedgehog said “look there's a car
coming now it’s your turn” the second hedgehog plucked up the courage, went into the middle of
the road and curled up into a ball. SPLAT. 3 wheeled car." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0783
"I decided to sell my stuffed labrador on eBay. It didn't fetch very much." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0784
"The Kwik-Fit mechanic had a puzzled look on his face when I asked him if I could get a wheel
balanced. “You can do that, right?” I asked. “Well, yeah,” he said. “I've just never done one for a
hamster before.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0785
"I've had to close my curiosity shop due to an infestation. I found 17 dead cats in there this
morning." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0786
I realize that asking my dogs which one of them farted is pointless, but if I don't ask, they might
think it was me. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0787
A world without bears would be unbearable. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0788
"I love defenseless Animals. Especially in a good gravy." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0789
"I saw a dog doing his business in my garden. Didn't even know they could use laptops."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0790
It is my firm opinion that every whale that gets beached is just trying its best to evolve. Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0791
"How do you make a dog go “Meow?” Freeze-dry it, then run it through a band saw." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0792
"My dog collapsed this morning. I rushed him down the vets and the vet said, “Do you think he's
eaten something?” I said, “God no - I haven't fed him for two weeks.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0793
"I've trained my Rottweiler to attack and bite on command. Should be fun - the command I've
chosen is, “Can I stroke your dog?”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0794
"My neighbor’s cat just spat at me. So I turned the heat down on the frying pan." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0795
"I thought I saw a Robin Red Breast in the park today. It turned out to be a sparrow with an exit
wound." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0796
"I took my kids to the zoo last week. Apparently they've settled in quite well..." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0797
"After 20 years of painfully hard work I've almost finished my book. I can't believe that little
caterpillar is still hungry." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0798
"I tried to find out exactly how loud my dogs bark was. But I could only get a ruff estimate."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0799
"When i get a dog, i'm going to call him STAY, just to confuse him 'COME HERE, STAY,
COME HERE, STAY'" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0800
"Some people are worried that the Bees are dying out By the size of them this year, it probably
because they've started eating each other." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0801
"Paying a vet to have your pet put down is like riding a bike. Why do either if you have a car?"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0802
I never got over that day back in 1971 when my dad told me my favorite pet, a 3/8th of an
unchipped was now called a centipede. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0803
"So... Did they call it an AMERICAN pit bull terrier because it was first bred in America? Or
because it tries to eat everything it comes in contact with?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0804
I see in the news that Koalas are in danger of being extinct within the next 30 years...which
makes the 2 stuffed ones that I bought on my holidays a decent investment. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0805
"I don't know why people think that puppies are sweet. They taste sour to me." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0806
"Our Family dog of 13 years died the other week when I accidently reversed onto him. Naturaly
there was an awkward silence when my daughter brought him up at dinner today. It's not her
fault though... we're Korean and she's anorexic." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0807
"Why was the dog standing still? Because it was on paws." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0808
"I was taking my dog out the other day when I met this bloke who asked me where I was going.
The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have him put
down. He asked me, “is he mad?” To which I replied, “well, he's not exactly pleased about it.”"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0809
"One of the larger ladies in our office was all dressed up last night. She had on a short skirt
showing her stocking tops, a flimsy low cut top showing lots of cleavage, and a feather Boa. I
asked why she was all dressed up and she said, “I'm going to a fancy dress party as a hooker.”
“Really?” I said. “You look more like a prop forward to me.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0810
"My local council wants to ban pitbull terriers from the streets, but they're having problems with
actually identifying which dogs are pitbulls. I personally don't see what the problem is. If they've
got short legs, square shoulders and an aggressive temperament, then the dog they own is most
likely a pitbull." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0811
"Which cautious insect was most adept at sniffing out treasonous plots and insurrections in
Communist Russia? The Cagey Bee." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0812
"I'm very strict on my Jewish beliefs when it comes to dating. No Pigs." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0813
"A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He
was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale. “Afraid
not,” said the farmer. “I'll give you a thousand bucks!” said the city fella. “I can't sell you that
horse. He don't look too good,” replied the farmer. “I know horses and he looks fine. I'll give you
two thousand!” “Well, all right, if you want him so bad.” The next day, the man returned the
horse, screaming that he had been gypped. “You sold me a blind horse!” “Well,” said the farmer,
“I told you he didn't look too good.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0814
I watched a chicken cross the road today. It was poultry in motion. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0815
"BBC News: Motorcyclist hit by swan. He should have ducked." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0816
I bought a pair of tortoise skin shoes, it took me 3 hours to walk out the shop. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0817
“"The only thing wearing a fur coat should be an animal”. Thanks for the tip Mr. animal rights
protester, my pig loves the new fur coat I just bought him." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0818
"I took my dog out for a walk last week. I decided to give him a race... he took the lead... and I
haven't seen him since!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0819
"I was sat in the pub last night when a 7 foot purple frog, wearing a top hat walked into the bar.
I thought, “That's unusual. Frogs normally hop.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0820
"When you next see a bird walking down the road, have a think to yourself maybe it's scared of
heights" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0821
"It's a well-known fact that whales are able to communicate over vast distances, up to and even
beyond 600 miles. Now, following decades of research and advancement in the field of marine
biology, scientists have finally translated these distant calls... “Can you still hear me?”" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0822
I don't agree with battery hens. Surely they lay bigger eggs if they're plugged into the mains.
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0823
"I was unpacking the groceries when I picked up a bunch of bananas and saw a long hairy leg
poking out. Closer inspection revealed it was a very large Brazilian Wandering Spider, the most
venomous in the world, and not something you would want to touch. It was obviously dazed
from being imported in refrigerated conditions, so I carefully placed the bananas back into the
carrier bag and tied the handles. Then I did the sensible thing. I shouted upstairs to my wife,
“Just off to the pub, darling. Only one last bag to unpack, if you could do the honors.”" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0824
"I had a weird dream last night. I was on safari in Africa. I dreamt I was hand feeding a Hippo. I
woke up with my hand between the wife's legs!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0825
"A doctor was doing his rounds in a hospital when he overhears a conversation between two
African nurses. One says, “It's spelled 'whoooom'.” The other says, “No, I'm sure it's spelled
'whooouuum'.” They carry on like this for a bit, then the doctor goes over to them and says, “I'll
settle this for you, it's spelled 'womb'.” One of the nurses replies, “Look, I doubt you've ever seen
a hippo, let alone heard one farting underwater'." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0826
"I'm with the other P.E.T.A. People for the Eating of Tasty Animals" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0827
"A dog lover has been reunited with her lost dog after it was missing for EIGHT YEARS. Either
that or her parents spent a REALLY long time saving up for a new one." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0828
"My wife said that I need to start making sacrifices for our relationship. She went mental when
she checked the rabbit hutch earlier." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0829
"What do you get when you put the head of a lion on the body of an eagle? 2 dead Animals and a
fine for killing protected species." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0830
"My dog didn't eat its tea tonight, so I threw it in the bin. He was getting old anyway." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0831
"Chinese authorities are becoming more and more concerned with their kids copying Western
bad behavior on the streets. A spokesman said, “chopstick crime is up by 30%.”" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0832
"I was listening to the cricket today and it was announced that Swann had fallen for a duck. “Ah,
ain't that nice!” said my mum." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0833
"How do you get down from a elephant? You don't, you get it from a duck." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0834
"On a farm, an old woman sent her grandson to the pond for some water. As he dipped the
bucket in, an alligator appeared from under the surface. He dropped the bucket and legged it
back to his Grandma's kitchen. “I can't get water from that pond,” he cried. “There's this alligator
in there!” She laughed and said “Don't worry about him, he's tame. In fact, he's probably as
scared of you as you are of him.” “In that case,” he replied, “that water isn't fit to drink.”"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0835
A termite walks into a bar and says "is the bar tender here?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0836
My mates say my girlfriend looks like a horse. I don't think we'll be together furlong. Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0837
I can't seem to find 'Chameleon' in the dictionary. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0838
"Rabbit goes into a bar every day, orders cheese toasties. One day orders ham toastie. Never
came back. Died. Of miximatoasties" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0839
"Which drink do seals hate most? Canadian club on the rocks!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0840
Pandas have two eyes, terrorists have two eyes. Coincidence? I think not. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0841
I ran over a squirrel today... with a lawnmower... it was really tough getting that lawnmower up
in that tree. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0842
Today was weird; I woke up this morning and I could feel tension mounting....he`s my dog
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0843
"What's the best way to skin a cat? With really big Rizlas." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0844
"My neighbor’s new dog wouldn't stop barking. So I kicked him with my Hush Puppies."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0845
"Man sells his award winning Doberman pinscher for 20. When asked why he replied. It attacked
and killed my mother-in-law last week and I don't need it anymore." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0846
"First man: Do you have any hobbies? Second man: I collect badgers. First man: Do you have
many? Second man: One more and I'll have the whole set." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0847
"Three ninjas are comparing their ability and boasting who is the best the first says “Watch this”
and does a chop in the air and a bee falls to the ground - chopped in half. The second says “That's
nothing, watch this” Does a chop in the air and a fly falls to the ground - chopped in half. The
third also does a chop in the air towards a tiny gnat which then just flies off. The first two laugh
and say that he didn't chop it in half. “I know” the third ninja replies “...but he'll never have
Children”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0848
"A lion goes into a restaurant and orders a steak. The waiter asks, 'How would you like it?' The
lion replies, 'RAW!'" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0849
OK so if I adopt a jaguar for 3 a month and adopt an African child for 2 a month, can I put them
both in the same room to see which the better investment is? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0850
"My pet beaver just died Dam..." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0851
"My wife has accused me of being addicted to petty theft. I currently have fifteen dogs, thirteen
cats and seven lizards." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0852
"I keep having flashbacks about plastic underwater castles. Honestly, I've got the memory of a
goldfish." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0853
It’s never good when my cat thinks outside the box. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0854
"What is the worst thing that can happen to a sleeping bag? The runs." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0855
I can't help but wonder: What's so great about a bee's knee? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0856
Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotamus or just a really cool optimums? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0857
"I just started doing cage fighting but I'm going to give up. My parrot is too quick for me and
keeps biting!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0858
"A dog goes into a bar, walks up to the barman and says “alright mate, pint please.” The barman
says “WOW! That's amazing! Stay there, I have to show you to my friend.” The dog replies
“Why, does he need a plumber?”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0859
"BBC News: Anti-Semetic cats stage Military Coup in Germany. It's the Furred Reich."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0860
"News: Football fan arrested for attacking police horse in football violence. Fan is in custody, the
horse is unharmed and in a stable condition." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0861
So many kittens, so few recipes. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0862
"Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To
stamp out burning ducks." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0863
"It takes about fifteen mink to make a small ladies glove, that's because they aren't very good at
sewing." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0864
"On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field. One says, “Boy, its mighty cold out
here!” The other says, “Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0865
"Save money on hair restorer. Instead simply paint a series of little rabbits on your bald head.
From a distance they look like hares." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0866
"So what separates us from the Animals? I think it's the wardens at the zoo." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0867
"Owls don't make love in the rain. Apparently it's too wet to woo..." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0868
"Unemployed? Make ends meet this Christmas by comparing muskrats" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0869
Sometimes I try to squeeze through cat flaps, but it hurts them so they start scratching. Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0870
I don't see why Pamela Anderson is a member of PETA, she's been torturing her beaver for
years. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0871
"My dog has just learnt the basics of a rollover. He's one step closer to presenting the National
Lottery." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0872
"What does a bird do without a break? Succeed." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0873
"A guy walks into a crowded bar with a little spider on his shoulder. Everyone else laughs, but
he says “This spider is stronger than any of you!” One bloke says “Prove it!” “Right; my spider
will pick up this bar stool.” He puts the spider on the floor and the spider picks it up. Everyone is
amazed, but then he says “Now the spider will pick up a table.” And the spider easily picks up
the table. Everyone applauds, and the guy says “That's nothing - this tiny spider will lift up the
whole bar!” With a great effort, it picks up the bar. “What else can it do?” one of the blokes asks.
So the man says “For the grand finale - it will pick up the bar with every one of us on it!”
Everyone starts to get onto the bar until everyone in there is standing on it. The spider starts
walking towards the bar with an air of determination. Then, a man walks into the bar, sees the
spider on the floor walking towards the bar, and steps on it, saying “You bunch of wimps, scared
of a little spider.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0874
"I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop."... Thought the Dog. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0875
"Went on a Family holiday to Africa last year. My mother-in-law got bitten by a black mamba.
Terrible thing to watch a snake dying in agony." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0876
"I was cooking dinner earlier, and I noticed on the packet “RSPCA Monitored.” I thought it's
obviously not 24 hours, because at some point it had its head ripped off, then was marinated in a
lemon and black pepper sauce." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0877
Animal catapults. Because nothing says 'GET OFF MY LAND!' like a 70mph cow. Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0878
"What's the Difference between a sniper with Parkinson's and a constipated owl? One can shoot
but can't hit." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0879
"Thank God unicorns weren't black ... Otherwise they'd have been known as horses that just
stabbed people." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0880
"I used to make any woman scream with only 3 inches... But then my pet scorpion died."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0881
"Get a rhino... put it on a diet... BOOM! Unicorn." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0882
"A farmer this week spent 231,000 on a sheep. In the farming community this is called an
investment. In Aberdeen this is called an expensive date." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0883
"My mate's cat was stolen, skinned and made into a school bag. He's coming to terms with it."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0884
"My daughter recently got a chihuahua, and my wife said it would be nice if we bought her some
things for the dog. Clearly we had very different ideas; she came home with a chewy toy, I came
home with a rat trap." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0885
"I’ve just got home and there she is.......... On the couch, naked, waiting to show me love. God I
love my dog." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0886
"What do you get if you lie under a cow? A pat on the head." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0887
"Did you know, if you had a room full of monkeys and typewriters, at some point... ..The
RSPCA would come and tell you to stop this?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0888
"I phoned up a couple about the reward for their lost cat today. But apparently they're not
offering anything for just the skin." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0889
Why don't they make cat flavored dog food Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0890
When they say "9/10 forest fires are caused by careless people" all I hear is "somewhere out
there, a bear knows how to use matches." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0891
A woman seated at the cinema was surprised to find, sitting in the two adjacent seats, a man with
his arm around a sheep dog. All through the movie, she noticed the dog watching the film with
apparent understanding snarling when the villain appeared, yelping happily at the funny parts. At
the end of the movie, she tapped the man on the shoulder. "I just can't get over how much your
dog enjoyed the movie," she said. "It surprises me too," the man answered, "He absolutely
despised the book." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0892
"Subject: Worst joke ever a man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to
clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To
show the others whose boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be
best pleased; He disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving
on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, He is attacked by the chimps who pelt him
with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed
them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the
lion enclosure. He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South African
bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to
a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat
anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to the other lions and says
'What's the food like here?' The lions say: 'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps
with mushy bees.'" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0893
"What's the biggest use of leather? To hold cows together" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0894
"My pet moth died in my arms I tried saying “Don't go into the light”, but it wouldn't listen"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0895
"I took my dog down the vet's this morning. As soon as I walked in there I started sobbing
uncontrollably cost I knew he wouldn't be going home with me. I'll probably be okay later when
my wife picks him up." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0896
"I went to watch that film 'Zoo lander' last night. I was very disappointed. I was expecting it to
be like 'Highlander' except with Giraffes." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0897
"The Daily Mail carries the headline: “Boy, 2, fighting for life after being mauled by two
Staffordshire bull terriers”. I'm thinking he may have had more success fighting for his life
before they had mauled him." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0898
I'm afraid that my cat might be on drugs, all it ever says is 'Meow Meow'. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0899
"What do you get when you cross a duck and a pig? A media circus that focuses on the morals
and ethics of genetic engineering." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0900
"My girlfriend has a body like a snake; smooth, thin and usually covered in my slime. Plus she's
got no arms or legs." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0901
"How many kangaroos does it take to fix a leaky water main? None, a kangaroo has neither the
intelligence nor dexterity to do any kind of plumbing work. At best it could try to locate the
source of the leak by jumping around, but even then it would be hard pushed to actually do
anything about it." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0902
"Killed a slug with a knife today, where it found that knife I still don't know." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0903
"I love the new sport of fighting marsupials with each other. Mortal Wombat." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0904
"I wanted to get a dog for my son. But the pet shop doesn't do swaps." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0905
"What do you call a grizzly with no teeth? A Gummy Bear" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0906
"As the snake sunk its fangs into my hand, I screamed to the safari guide, “please say it’s been
de-venomed!” “Of course it has!” He said. “How can you be sure?” I asked in a panic. “Because
it’s just injected it all into your hand,” he replied." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0907
"Step one: Buy a sheep. Step two: Name it “Relation”. Now you have a relation sheep."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0908
"Why did the French chicken cross the road? To surrender to the other side." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0909
"What do you call a cat with no legs? Dog food." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0910
"I've just subscribed to Sheep Farmers weekly magazine. I was delighted to receive a free pen."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0911
"Me and the wife are going to be on channel 4's 'It's me or the Dog' next week or as I'm calling it,
'Which Dog should I Keep?'" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0912
I’ve killed thousands of whales in my time but I don't like to harpoon about it. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0913
"I was over the park the other day and I see a sign that said “No dog fouling”. So I made sure I
timed my tackle to perfection." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0914
"Zoo officials say that a female tiger has killed her mate at London zoo. It was a rare attack that
came after months of simmering jealousy in a feline love triangle. Authorities say if the
allegations are true, the tiger could spend the rest of her life behind bars." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0915
"I got rid of a huge fly with my slipper today. I said, “you can have this slipper if you get out of
my house.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0916
"What do you get if you cross an African with a chimpanzee? Ten years imprisonment for
contravening section 3 of the Human Fertilization and Embryology Act 1990." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0917
"I spent three hours last night constructing a cricket bat, It's the strangest creature I've ever
seen..." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0918
Owls really are wise. I just asked one what 235 times 12 was and he said 2820. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0919
"What's got 4 legs and goes “boo”? A cow with a cold." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0920
"What is a Dog? 1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture
in the house. 2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you
when you're in the same room. 3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 4) They
growl when they're not happy. 5) When you want to play, they want to play. 6) When you want
to be alone, they want to play. 7) They are great at begging. 8) They will love you forever if you
rub their tummies. 9) They leave their toys everywhere. 10) They do disgusting things with their
mouths and then try to give you a kiss. Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0921
"I put a “Beware of the Dog” sign on my front gate recently. I don't have a dog but looking at
people walking up the path is a lot more entertaining now." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0922
I thought beavers were meant to be good swimmers... Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0923
"I put a wasp through the scanner at Tesco's. Cost me 27p." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0924
"Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To show he has guts." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0925
"I'm new to farming, but I recently purchased several thousand battery hens based upon a sound
business plan and excellent return on investment figures. I don't wish to waste any money, so
before I release any further funds, could somebody tell me whether chickens take AA's or
AAA's? Thanks." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0926
"I was looking through the Auto Trader at cars trying to decide what car we should get next. My
wife said, “Why don't we get an Estate for the dogs?” I said, “What for? They can't drive.”"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0927
I took my kid down to the local park this morning, I was thrown out, apparently baby goats
aren’t allowed to graze there Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0928
"I read a headline in the newspaper today 'Tiger savages trainer' I thought to myself, Tiger
Woods is getting out of hand now first the cheating and now this." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0929
"I bought some dog biscuits yesterday. Labrador flavor." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0930
People like the accent of Wales, i much prefer dolphins myself Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0931
"I gave my crazy little reptile some Prozac the other nite. Now he's a calmer Chameleon."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0932
"Help, I think I've just drowned my Turtle . . Or Tortoise or whatever it is." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0933
"BBC News - Whale song spreads across ocean in other news - Adele goes on a cruise" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 0934
"What do you call an Insect with an afro? A Frisbee" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0935
"What did the horse say to the one-legged jockey?? How are ya getting on??" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0936
What happens if you give Red Bull to a bird? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0937
"What's the Difference between a Mosquito and a Mosque ? One spreads fear among the local
population and causes the senseless deaths of countless innocent people, and the other's an
insect." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0938
"I got told that chameleons blend to look like their surroundings. Well I put mine in a blender
and it looks nothing like the kitchen wall." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0939
"Our pet cat loves getting strokes. The kids love his lop-sided face, too." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0940
"I was watching “Finding Bigfoot” on Animal Planet. I'm guessing these guys aren't getting paid
per Bigfoot found." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0941
"I lost the dog whilst out for a run with him this morning. 'Why didn't you take the lead?' asked
the wife when I came home. 'I did', I replied, 'but he overtook me after 100 yards & disappeared
into the distance...'" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0942
"Cats look down on us Dogs look up to us Pigs treat us as equal ------------------------- Winston
Churchill" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0943
"I’ve realized my wife has a lot in common with turkeys. Too much skin around the neck and
they both like to gobble." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0944
Universal truth: You can't respect a man who carries a dog. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0945
"So when a chameleon becomes really aggressive and angry it changes color to black? Surprise,
surprise..." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0946
"I watched a DVD of Steve Irwin choking the animal that would eventually kill him. It was a Blu
Ray" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0947
Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0948
"A duck walks into a bar.... it was then collected and released in a nearby park." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0949
"I saw a vet in his surgery with his hand up a sheep. “Lambing it?” I asked “No,” he said,
knocking the floor, “its real wood.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0950
"Never milk a joke. Unless it's a cow joke." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0951
"I got one of those 'Cash for Gold' envelopes in the post this morning. So I posted it back to them
this afternoon. Wonder what they'll give me for my fish?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0952
"I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come
back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You are
obviously not listening.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0953
Has anyone else noticed the lack of stray dogs and abundance of kebab shops? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0954
"I got my results today... My wife has left me and I got custody of the dog... RESULT !"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0955
People that walk their dogs around Children's parks are not fooling anyone. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0956
I punched a blind man on the nose earlier. That'll teach his dog to look at my wife.
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0957
"What do you call an Albino Gorilla? Honkey Kong." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0958
"If your horse goes too fast. You mustang on." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0959
"The doctor said to the patient, “You owe your life to that dog. It pulled you to safety.” The
patient asked, “Where is the dog now?” “Unfortunately there's no sign of the dog - or your
Arm.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0960
My pet turtle has been trying to break dance on its back for three weeks now. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0961
My cat hates Cyanide and I hate my cat. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0962
"I have a foolproof way to stop women ever denting my pride. I've banned them all from driving
in my safari park." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0963
"I've just found out that my favorite fish has got cancer. The vet said it's a malignant tuna."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0964
My girlfriend lost her rabbit yesterday so she asked me to help look for it, she doesn't have to
fear I found a lucky rabbits foot on my drive yesterday. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0965
"I just received a letter from the RSPCA regarding my mistreatment of Animals. I would
respond, but I can't find my quill." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0966
"Why are they using blacks instead of laboratory rats in experiments now? They breed faster and
you don't get too attached to them!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0967
"The other week I went to a National Birds of Prey center and saw a variety of hawks, eagles and
owls. When we left my girlfriend asked me which bird was my favorite. I said “The one with the
mini skirt and nice cleavage” I'm now single" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0968
"What is black, white and red? A penguin with a red hat on its head. The hat is at a jaunty angle
and looks really cute." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0969
Animals may be our friends. But they won't pick you up at the airport. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0970
Whole milk is good but I prefer milk that came from the udder Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0971
"What do my wife and veterinary gloves have in common? They are both stuck up cows"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0972
"I was watching my dog scratching earlier. I didn't want to stop him but he was ruining my
records." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0973
"My horse has been banned from racing on suspicion I was giving him steroids. Apparently
another horse looked at him funny in the paddock and he ripped off a piece of fence and started
beating him with it." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0974
"What do elephants use as tampons? Sheep!! Why do elephants have long trunks? Because sheep
don't have string!!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0975
"What do Animal rights activists eat? PETA bread." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0976
"It's just cost me two grand to get my girlfriend two pairs of shoes and have her nails done. I
suppose I should expect nothing less when dating a horse." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0977
"I recently caught elephantiasis. It’s not good but at least my amnesia is cured" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0978
I’m going to encourage my cat to live a more active life by telling it that it died peacefully 8
times in its sleep Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0979
"I came down stairs this morning and found my dog stuck on the fridge. I think he's eaten the
magnets again." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0980
Do Jellyfish have Jelly babies? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0981
"I've just got a Magicians dog, He's an Abracalabrador" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0982
"I came home from work this evening and the dog was dead on the floor. I guess six months on
an oil rig broke his heart!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0983
"I cut an owls vocal chords the other day.... It didn't give a hoot." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0984
There are reports of an unidentified gang of out of control dogs causing trouble in Central
London, authorities have no leads. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0985
"I got asked by some crustiest if I'd like to join their hunt saboteurs group and get one over the
hooray Henrys on horseback. Naturally, being a caring kind of person and willing to help out
people in their crusades, I accepted. The next day I got out there way before anyone else and shot
the fox." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0986
"What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot? A walkie talkie." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0987
I'm bringing out a new range of pet foods with flavors they'll really love. For cats there will be:
Mouse, Canary, Frog and Goldfish and for dogs; Rabbit, Cat, Sheep with an extra special flavor
for pit bulls and Rottweiler’s "Grandchild's Face" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0988
I'm going to get a tattoo on my inner thigh of a squirrel worshipping my nuts. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0989
I hate lazy rattlesnakes because you never know where they are... Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0990
"I went duck shooting today. I spotted a duck swimming along and quickly took my aim, and just
as I was about to pull the trigger I looked behind it and noticed six cute little ducklings
swimming behind her. Luckily I had seven bullets." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0991
"My parents had strange views when it came to dogs they said we could get a puppy and if we
didn't like it we can just abandon it, my foster parents however..." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0992
"Scientific evidence suggests that feeding chocolate to dogs is highly dangerous and must be
avoided. From experience, I can say that this is true from what happened to my own dog. He
choked on a rolo." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0993
"An undercover investigation at a dogs4us puppy farm has revealed some of the dogs are
malnourished and scruffy. If the investigative team want to see some really scruffy growlers,
might I recommend a night out in Skipton." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0994
"Apparently, baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day. Do worms have feet then?"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0995
"Did you know that giraffes can clean their own ears with their 21 inch tongue? Although Mrs.
Giraffe had other plans for tonight" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0996
"Went to the zoo the other day some cuddly black and white bears in stockings were going
berserk it was sheer pandemonium." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0997
The worst bit about buying a zebra is the check out. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0998
"I see two Pheasants racing to get the last few seeds from the bird feed when one fell over. The
other pheasant stopped and waited till the first got back on its feet. I thought to myself “fair
game”." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 0999
"A bull has been arrested for going berserk in a China shop. He's denied all charges." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1000
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1001
"Pigeon: “Do you think I should say 'coo, coo, coo?”Sparrow: “It's your call.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1002
Scared of spiders? Do what I do.. Imagine them all naked Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1003
"I redecorated my birds’ bathroom last night. I put a copy of The Daily Telegraph at the bottom
of her cage." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1004
"I hear the police have set up a hot dog stand outside their station in Nottingham? Haven't they
got anything better to do?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1005
"What are we going to get our kids now the go hamsters are said to have cancerous toxins in
them? If only there was something hamster like that moved about, we could even put it in a ball
to run around the front room and at night it could sleep in a cage. If only..." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1006
In a fight between me and a hedgehog I think it would be close, but he'd win on points. Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1007
"What do ya get when you cross a road with a chicken? Questioned" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1008
If I get my cat chipped, does that mean it can eat dog food? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1009
Turned on my Satnav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that? Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1010
"Say 'No!' to Animals in Circuses. And, if that doesn't work, beat them and smack them with
your whip so they'll know who's boss!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1011
"I've forgotten the name of my homing pigeon. But I'm sure it will come back to Me." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1012
"Just been to a seminar discussing mythical Welsh creatures. It didn't half drag on." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1013
"Sky Sports News, 'Cats close on Korean'... Haha, revenge!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1014
Sometimes when I’m bored, I like to ring the owner of a missing animal to let them know i can't
find it. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1015
"Grab your goat, we’ve pulled." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1016
"What do you get if you put a zebra in a washing machine? A donkey." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1017
"Researchers said today .....’Chimpanzees deal with death like humans' what a load of
twaddle........ I've never seen a chimpanzee post a dead human joke on Sickipedia yet!" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1018
PIGS. Avoid having your head on a dinner table by not eating whole apples. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1019
Is it more offensive telling my black friend that she smells like my dog, or telling my dog she
smells like a black person? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1020
"BBC News: 'New Mini-Species of Tiger discovered!' So just a cat, then?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1021
"What do you call a sick crocodile? An alligator." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1022
“"Dad where's the cat?” “Eat your soup darling”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1023
"Just bought a new pair of boxer shorts. I spoil that dog something rotten." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1024
I have a great idea for next year's New Year celebrations. I'm going to put 20 dogs in one of the
London eye's pods and watch the fireworks go off. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1025
"What does a toothless budgie do? Succeeds" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1026
"Either-or," said the confused donkey. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1027
"I won a rabbit at the fair once, but it drowned in the bag before I got it home." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1028
"Thought I saw Batman's shadow in our house earlier.. Turns out our German Sheppard was sat
at the top of the stairs" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1029
"Life insurance for cats Offer. Buy 2, get 7 free." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1030
"Zebras are serious Animals. They're very black and white about things." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1031
"Give a man a fish, and he will probably raise several questions about your mental well-being."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1032
"A Baptist missionary in Africa was just walking when he heard the ominous padding of a lion
behind him. “Oh Lord,” prayed the missionary, “Grant in thy goodness that the lion walking
behind me is a good Christian lion.” In the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion
praying too: “Oh Lord,” he prayed, “I thank thee for the meal which I am about to enjoy”"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1033
Sorry Polar Bears, survival of the fittest and all that. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1034
I was in the bath the other day and I thought, are ducks even yellow? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1035
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their
lives." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1036
"I thought I'd found a 9-legged spider today. Turned out to be an ordinary spider with an
erection." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1037
"So in 50 year we won't be able to see penguins unless it's on television due to climate change.
The more things change, the more they stay the same then." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1038
Saying that my cat died of natural causes is just a nice way of saying he got stuck in a tree and
froze to death. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1039
"- Why do tigers live on their own whereas lions live in prides? - Because Lions aren't ginger."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1040
"I was at the beach when I saw a bloke with a donkey and a sign reading “Rides from 2.50” So I
paid my money and jumped on. We got about halfway down the promenade and I was loving it. I
didn't want it to end but he said he had to get back to his donkey." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1041
Just before Christmas last year my gran was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, it was terrible
news to get just before the festive season, but on the plus side I've got her the same present this
year. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1042
"I had a dog: half-pit bull, half-poodle. Not much of a guard dog, but a vicious gossip." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1043
"There are two cows in a field. Which one is on holiday? The one with the wee calf." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1044
“"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.” Try telling that to
the owner of the little terrier, down the road, that just had its throat ripped out by a Rottweiler."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1045
"My Father said that he is so fed up of all my pets, the next one I get he is going to drown.
I'm seriously considering getting a shark." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 104
"BEWARE.... Clothing for bee's" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1047
"Dear Moths, Okay so you live for about a week. Why don't you go see the London eye or see
how far you can get round the world? Please stop hanging around in my bedroom and also
feeling the necessity to nose dive at my phone as I type this... Thanks" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1048
"It is advised that if confronted by a bear you should drop to the ground, stay silent, act
submissively and wait until its lost interest in you before you move. Respect to the blatant rapist,
who clearly wanders forests dressed in a bear suit, for releasing this 'Advice' to the world."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1049
"If you ever get attacked by a tiger just throw moisturizer cream at him. Blocks the paws."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1050
"I saw two cats fighting on my way to work this morning. My van broke it up." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1051
"Did you hear about the panda who lost his food? He was bamboozled..." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1052
"My six-year-old got savaged by two greyhounds last night. You can't really blame the dogs - he
has a hare lip." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1053
When playing paper, rock, scissors against a dog, always go with scissors. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1054
"Two dogs are having a walk through the park. One turns to the other and says... “Do you use a
rubber when you make love?” To which the other replies: “Yeah you Rex?”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1055
"People often ask me why I find wild pigs uninteresting. To be honest they just boar Me."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1056
"What's yellow and tastes of bananas? Monkey sick." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1057
A man walks into a pub with his dog and bets the barman 500 that the dog can talk. The barman
takes him up on the offer thinking the man was mad. So he says to his dog "What is on the top of
a house?" and the dog says "ROOF!" then the man says "what’s my wife’s name?" then the dog
says "RUTH! Then the man asks "what is the most important person on a football pitch?" and the
dog says "REF!" Needless to say the barman throws them both out and as they're laying on the
pavement the dog looks at the owner and says "Defender?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1058
"I saw a seahorse for the first time in my life today. Somebody flooded the stables." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1059
"I pushed a farmers pig off the road away from an oncoming car today. Really saved his bacon."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1060
"Just bought a new pet stone. It rocks!!!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1061
"I recently bought an elephant, so I could scare my wife with it when she gets home.
I've got the elephant of surprise." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1062
"I can’t help but feel sorry for those dying souls floating around in that putrid horrible infected
water! Poor rats!!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1063
"What do you call the red mushy stuff under a elephants feet? Slow natives." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1064
"An Elephant came up to me and started speaking nonsense I said “I can't listen to this mumbo,
jumbo”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1065
If seal is broken... Please inform the zoo keeper. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1066
"So, a cat and a dog go into a Chinese takeaway... Not all of them, obviously. They also use pork
and chicken." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1067
Has anyone else realized that when you run into a spider web you suddenly turn into a ninja?
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1068
"You can't out run, out climb or out swim a bear. So always go into the woods with someone you
can out run, out climb and out swim." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1069
"Meant to shake my Etch-A-Sketch, but accidentally grabbed the ant farm. Ants are now busy
planning a disaster relief telethon." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1070
"What do you call a whale with no legs? A whale" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1071
A goldfish swims into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long faces?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1072
"My neighbor’s chocolate labrador really confused me. It tasted of chicken." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1073
"I've been trying to breed male rabbits for racing. I'll do anything to make a fast buck." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1074
"What’s the best thing about having a black man in the Whitehouse? One less mugger on the
streets..." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1075
"I was talking to a Barn Owl last night when I happened to mention that I had just got engaged.
“You twit. To Who? He said" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1076
"I managed to get the most magnificent bird to come to my house the other day. I think it was the
trail of breadcrumbs that did it." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1077
"What do Elephants have for their dinner? An hour, just like the rest of the Animals." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1078
"What's big, grey and makes you jump? The elephant of surprise." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1079
"A leopard went to see an optometrist because he thought he needed an eye exam. “Every time I
look at my wife,” he worriedly told the optometrist, “I see spots before my eyes.” “So what's to
worry about?” replied the doctor. “You're a leopard, aren't you?” “What's that got to do with
anything?” replied the patient. “My wife is a zebra.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1080
"I'm very grateful to my elderly neighbor for taking my dog out for a run every day. I'm
surprised she's never noticed me tie the lead onto the back of her mobility scooter." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1081
"How do you sneak a gorilla out of the zoo? Dress it up in a gorilla costume." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1082
"Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Personally, I'm going with the egg; in my experience,
most birds take forever to come" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1083
"*For Sale* fully grown male African Lion. Slightly smelly, very sharp teeth and claws. Usually
good with kids. Reluctant sale... due to multiple Family bereavement." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1084
"My wife said to me “I think the cat wants to go out.” “How could you possibly know that?” I
sneered “Hes put his hat and coat on”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1085
If your girlfriend's cat gets eaten by an angry pitbull terrier, gently singing "The Circle of Life"
into her ear WON'T cheer her up. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1086
"FREE TO GOOD HOME: I recently bought a beautiful kitten, but it turns out my 1 year old
daughter is allergic to her. Obviously I can no longer keep her, hence the reason I'm getting rid
of her. She has lovely black hair and is very playful and friendly, great with people. She is
completely house trained and up to date on all papers and shots. All in all the she's great, it’s sad
that she has to go but, I'm sure she will make others happy and she's just starting to walk and say
her first words." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1087
"I like to give pigs red bull. Just to make a lot more things seem true." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1088
"My wife bugged me to wash the cat the other day until I finally gave in. But after I'd done it I
couldn't understand why she was so livid. I thought that she'd be made up that I'd finally figured
out how to use the washing machine." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1089
"Two Owls playing pool.... First owl takes his shot and fouls as his wing brushes against a ball..
Being an honest owl he say's to his mate “Two hits” The second owl replies “Two hits To
Who?”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1090
"Metro Headline this week: “MONKEYS COULD BE TRAINED TO SIT TODAYS A
LEVELS” Ok, this might be new to me - but how many monkeys are there in the world who can
read and write, discounting the Jackson Family? More to the point, even if said monkeys *could*
read and write, I'd love to see one try and interpret Shakespeare. So no, Metro, A monkey
couldn't." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1091
"My mate told me I shouldn't talk to my dog like he's a person, or “he might get the wrong idea”.
So I told him that if he's capable of having these kind of ideas then he deserves to be spoken to
like a person, thus creating a paradox." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1092
"'Save the Polar Bears' Why? If we were in their position, what would they do. Eat us." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1093
I couldn't afford the Vet's bill to neuter the dog, so I just tied a wire brush to my trouser leg.
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1094
"Just got to go feed the cat ...To something that eats cats." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1095
"I was on a safari in Africa last week and the tour guide was naming different animal groups.
“That’s a pride of lions” He said A tower of giraffes A flight of birds Then he said herd of
elephants... So I said yes" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1096
A dog isn't just for Christmas... Get one for your birthday too! Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1097
"What is a Muslim monkey A Qur'an-utan" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1098
"As part of a pre-emptive strike on Canada, the US have sent in their special forces. Silly really,
because the Canadians are expert at clubbing seals." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1099
"Knock knock Who's there? Kanger Kanger who? Boing boing boing" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1100
"Crouching tiger, hidden dragon. The day out at the zoo wasn't a success." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1101
"Definition of the use for a Wok. What you two at a Rabbit when you don't have a Wifle."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1102
Animals may be our friends but they won’t pick you up at the airport. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1103
"Picked up this hot chick yesterday, She was fresh out of the incubator." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1104
"My Wife said “Why's our new dog ripping that piece of headwear apart?” I replied “I think it's
just a bad hat he chewed”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1105
I reckon the anterior leg joints of Bombus Terrestris are the bees knees. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1106
"My parents were dog stylists before they started traveling the world preaching the word of God.
As a child, it was always difficult explaining to people that my folks were into doggie style
BEFORE the missionary position." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1107
"They say cats always land on their feet Not if they're dead..." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1108
"I have 2 cats, but only one eats Whiskers. The other has a bald face." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1109
"I remember the first time my father taught me about the birds and the bees. In fact, he still
doesn't shut up about them! It's a nightmare being the only son of Bill Oddie." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1110
"I was sitting in the park today watching the birds. A crow landed, followed soon by another.
They looked around as if hoping that other crows would join them, but none did, so they flew off
again. Next thing I know, I'm in court as a witness to an attempted murder." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1111
"BBC News: “What dogs and cats can teach humans about life....” That we must have a serious
lack of teachers?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1112
"I once lived in a duck pond but had to move out. I couldn't stand all the bills." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1113
"I was talking to a wildlife expert earlier. I said, “how do you tell the Difference between a male
and a female hedgehog?” He said, “easy: the males have got loads of holes on their chest and a
pained look on their face.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1114
Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1115
"I went fishing today, I caught all kinds of fish. Until they threw me out the aquarium." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1116
"I was hiking in the mountains today, when I see a guy sprinkling pink powder all around his
garden. I asked him 'What is that for?' He then replied 'its anti-bear powder, it keeps them away
from my house.' 'But you live in England, there are no bears for thousands of miles!' He replied '
I know, works a treat doesn't it?'" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1117
"What do you get if your baby cat falls into your deep fat fryer? Unlucky fried kitten" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1118
Bought an Ant farm, don't know where I'm going to get tractors that small. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1119
"Don't be resist, be like a panda: Black, Asian and White ...so you can pick cotton, put together
an iPod and rule the world." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1120
What drugs do ducks sell? Quack Cocaine. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1121
"Why did the fish cross the road? He saw the pelican crossing." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1122
"I bought a dog the other day and they told me it was a pedigree. When I got it home, I wasn't
sure if it was a 100% pedigree dog, so I asked for other people's opinions they all said the same,
they were not sure. So, I took it back to the pet shop and it turns out it's a borderline collie."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1123
"There's a big hoohaa about cloned cows getting into the food chain. To be honest, being able to
tell one steak from another is not high on my list of priorities." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1124
Life is like watching a dog lick himself...full of impossible Dreams Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1125
"What's worse than finding a spider in your bedroom? Losing a spider in your bedroom."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1126
"I and the Family had the most traumatic experience walking on the beach. We got attacked by
dark-blue sea-lions with automatic weapons. My guess is that they must have been Navy Seals."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1127
"Three Animals were having a huge argument over who was the best. The first, a hawk, claimed
that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey
had not a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. None in the forest dared to
challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off
any creature. As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all,
hawk, lion and stinker" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1128
"What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? Banned from the local nature
reserve." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1129
"Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because it was chicken" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1130
"I don't know why everyone tarnishes Oriental folk with the same brush. My neighbors are
Chinese and when they came for dinner they were mortified that I cooked them a cat. Maybe
because it was theirs." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1131
The Higgs Bison, smallest known buffalo known to man. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1132
"What has 6 legs and an arm? Me fisting a horse." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1133
"I use to have terrible trouble with Mole's digging holes in my back garden, but I solved that
now, I hid the shovels!!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1134
As a kid, I always wanted to be a web designer... or, as we called them then, a spider. Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1135
"How many PETA members does it take to change a light bulb? None, PETA will never change
anything." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1136
"I can shoot deer with either arm. I'm ambidextrous." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1137
"My wife was disgusted when i showed her my turtle head. In my defense I couldn't afford a
whole one." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1138
"I used to enjoy playing Pokémon with my friends as a child, so last week I got the gang back
together and we had a Pokémon battle. However, the man from the RSPCA didn't see it that way
and we were jailed for dog fighting." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1139
"You have to admire Giraffe's... No matter what, they always walk around with their heads held
high." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1140
"Grimsby's zoo are bragging they have the best looking chameleon in the world. I can't see it
myself." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1141
"How do you interrogate a moth? Point a turned off torch in its face." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1142
"I gave my wife crabs. They'll keep her company at the bottom of our garden pond." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1143
I've realized today that no matter how hard you try, you cannot baptize cats. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1144
"When I was in Primary School I was given the honour of taking the school Guinea Pig home. It
took seven months and a nationwide search but I finally made it to Guinea." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1145
"I ran over my dog with the lawnmower yesterday. He's ok now though, after a little retail
therapy." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1146
I drink to forget... which can take forever when you're an elephant. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1147
"My wife just shoved her hand inside a Goat to get out the baby. Ewe" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1148
"What do you call a horse with 3 legs? Glue." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1149
"Took my disobedient German Shepherd to a dog shouter. It's basically just an impatient dog
whisperer." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1150
"I'm a retired boxer and I'm thinking of taking on golf as a hobby. Although many believe I
should go into acting because apparently I'm the only dog they know that can talk." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1151
The first rule of Animal Abusers Club is: you do not let the cat out of the bag. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1152
"Lucky, the world’s oldest sheep, has died age 23. Well, you can only wrap them up in cotton
wool for so long." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1153
"Golden Retriever Saves 11-Year-Old Boy From Cougar.” Good for the dog! These women
really need to find men their own age." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1154
"Phew! Just spent half an hour haggling with the vet over how much to have the dog put down,
and when I went back out to the car it was dead." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1155
"Why did the squirrel swim on his back? To keep its nuts dry" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1156
"I phoned up the vet and said, “I am rather concerned about my pet, Millie. Every time the
postman comes to my house, she barks.” The vet said, “Don't worry about it, it is very normal for
dogs to bark at postmen.” I said, “I know that, but Millie is my cat.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1157
"How do you know if a police horse is lame? Its hooves go Good Clop, Bad Clop." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1158
"Years ago I bought, as he described it, 'the World's biggest horse' from Jeremy Beadle.
Although I'm not sure his measurement of 45 hands was entirely accurate." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1159
"I bought a chameleon from the pet shop the other day I haven't seen it since" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1160
"My wife's Chihuahua took a nasty dump on the carpet and I stepped on it. Now I got to get a
new one before she gets home." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1161
"What's the Difference between a bird and a fly? A bird can fly, a fly can't bird." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1162
I’ve just thought, chicken legs are a chickens legs and chicken wings are a chickens wings, i am
never eating chicken nuggets again!! Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1163
"A lizard is reported to have escaped tonight from London Zoo. Police are monitoring the
situation" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1164
"I'm black and I live in a purely white area, but this isn't a problem, in fact the community is very
close and in hard times we all come together to see it through. I'm a penguin, and I'm against
racism." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1165
"A bear walks into a bar and goes, “I'll have................. a beer, please.” The barman says, “Sure,
but why the big pause?” The bear replies: “I've got Alzheimer's.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1166
Africa, the only place in the world where you get a pint of flies and your beer lands in it
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1167
"Can we not just settle this once and for all and give Paul the Octopus two boxes? White and
black." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1168
"I think my puppy may have a sore throat, He's a little husky." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1169
"What do you call a spider with no legs? A currant." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1170
"Just read the booklet to claim Jobseeker's Allowance. Without a word of a lie, it says at the
bottom “If you need help to read this booklet, please call (this number)”. To be honest, if you
need help to read that booklet, there isn't a chance that you're getting a job anyway." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1171
Pet owners: Rats make ideal 'large print' mice for short-sighted cats Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1172
"My wife was going away for the weekend, and as she left she kissed me on the cheek and said:
“Be Good”. As she closed the door, I chuckled under my breath; “While the cats away, the mice
can play.” I spent all weekend playing with my pet mice. It was lovely." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1173
I can't stand my 3 legged dog anymore. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1174
"Our dog is 'in season' apparently. Why the wife insists her being the height of fashion, I'll never
know." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1175
"I was trying to learn dolphin the other day I was finding it really tough Then it just clicked"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1176
"Sky Sports: “McCArthy loving Wolves life” That's all well and good, but shouldn't he be
focusing on pre-season training rather than running in packs and howling at the moon?"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1177
"Chickens have such a heightened panic reflex that even after their heads have been cut off their
first reaction is to run away. Just remind me again; who invented the guillotine?" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1178
"What do you call a fish with no eyes? Amblyopsidae, which are commonly referred to as
cavefish, blindfish, or swamp fish. They are small freshwater fish found in the dark
environments of swamps, caves, and some deep lakes. They are known for having no eyesight. I
found one and named it fish." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1179
"What’s worse than waking up with a lot of pubic hair stuck between your teeth? Waking up
with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth... I thought the worst thing
was waking up with skid marks on your tongue?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1180
"Give a dog a bone, and it'll have fun for a week. Teach a dog to bone...." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1181
"A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and
asked what he was doing with the chimp. “I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no Children;
so he's going to live with us - just like one of the Family. He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll
even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife.” “But what about the smell?” the friend asked.
“Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1182
"Apparently the World's most famous octopus died today. I must be incredibly dim because I
haven't got a clue who the second most famous octopus is." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1183
A clown was killed at work today . . . freak accident! Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1184
"I had enough of my girlfriend and her sarcastic “bird” comments. She would say things like,
“You eat like a bird, you're a birdbrain, etc.”. As I walked out she said “Where are you going to
go?” “Not sure, I’ll probably head south”." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1185
"I went for a CAT scan earlier. I'm now being prosecuted by the RSPCA and banned from the
library for the misuse of their photocopier. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1186
"I walked into the bedroom with a jar of honey. “Oooh, Are you going to smear it all over my
naked body?” asked my wife. “That's a bit kinky!” “Daft bint,” I thought, “I'm just going to use
you as bait to try and get rid of that wasp’s nest.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1187
"I saw this baby sheep covered in plastic. Laminated." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1188
For a cow, spilled milk is a serious medical condition and it's perfectly normal to cry. Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1189
"What does a perverted frog say? Rubbit." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1190
"My friend has a pet German Shepherd. Every time I visit him, it puts its face straight into my
groin. I have a Yorkshire terrier and all this kneeling down is killing my back." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1191
"I love feeding stray cats.... To my dog." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1192
"I bought a German Shepherd the other day to protect my home from burglars... He isn't very
good though, I got burgled last night while he was flocking the sheep." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1193
Why are the slender protuberances from eukaryotic cells more comical than the flagella found on
prokaryotic cells? Because the former are cilia! (In reality, they are not "sillier" and are, if
anything, more motile due to sinusoidal undulations!!). Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1194
"A dolphin will jump out of the water for a piece of fish.......... imagine what he'd do for some
chips!?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1195
"My dog likes it when I speak on his behalf. Yes he does! Yes he does" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1196
"Fox mauls twins in bed. Where’s Derrick Bird with his gun when you need him........Boom
Boom." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1197
"What’s black, white and red all over? Half a badger" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1198
"What’s the worst thing about going on safari? Knowing you wasted your money on an iMac."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1199
"Dogs Trust never put a healthy dog down so what do they do if they've got a cold?" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1200
"Does anyone know how long you can leave a chicken in a freezer? I put it in last night, and this
morning it was dead..." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1201
It took me an hour to bury my cat, it wouldn't stop moving. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1202
I just saw a bird versus squirrel fight. A car won. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1203
"I took my pet pig to the vet's today. Turns out he has pulled a hamstring." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1204
So many cats, not enough recipes Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1205
When I was a kid my mum used to puke in my mouth and make me eat it. Then again I am a
penguin. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1206
"I shaved a hedgehog today... It was pointless." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1207
The only sound Animals should make is sizzle. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1208
"I gave an ant a 7UP bottle lid to use as a boat to sail across a puddle. It's Cap-sized." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1209
"Today I played fetch with my cat, it was great fun. Every time I threw him, my dog brought him
back." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1210
"After 5 long years working at the zoo taking care of the koalas I finally applied for promotion to
look after the elephants. Sadly though, I didn't the job. Apparently my koalifications were
irrelephant for the job." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1211
Are seals just dog mermaids? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1212
"What’s the Difference between “Beer Nuts” and “Deer Nuts”? “Beer Nuts” are a dollar twentyfive
and “Deer Nuts” are under a buck." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1213
"I always cry when I chop an onion. Unlike kittens." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1214
"A German cat gave birth to 6 kittens. 5 of them were all healthy, but one was stillborn. The
healthy kittens will have nine lives, while the stillborn kitten will have nine lives" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1215
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give a fish a man and it will eat off him for weeks.
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1216
"I found a hornet in my car. I'm going kerb crawling tonight to test it out." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1217
"I took my dog to the vets and said, “can you sort my dog out, it's bitten my wife, she's okay
though, just a small scratch on her neck.” “Do you want me to destroy it, sir?” “No!!”, I said,
“can you sharpen its teeth so it kills her next time!?”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1218
Scientists have found a spider that has been trapped for 49 million years. I didn't know dinosaurs
had bath tubs. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1219
"I just got an angry email from the local paper after I tried to publish a notice in the lost and
found section: FOUND - Somebody's pet Budgie, it's blue with a yellow beak, what it lacks in
zest it makes up for in its functionality as a bookmark." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1220
"I was milking some cows today. I got most of their money before they noticed the cards were
marked." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1221
"I walked up to a woman feeding ducks in the park. “Excuse me, but is that not a bit weird?” I
asked. “No, why would it be?” she replied. “Because normal people use bread, not breast milk.”"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1222
"One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas
gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous
Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. “How do I get him to sing?” The young man
asked, excitedly. “Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet.” was the shop owner's
reply. The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing:
“Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ...” The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right
foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: “ Silent Night, Holy Night...” The
young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could
with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. “How beautiful!”
She exclaimed, “Can he talk?” “No,” the young man replied, “But he can sing. Let me show
you.” So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shopkeeper
had shown him, and Chet crooned: “Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!...” The man then moved
the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: “Silent Night, Holy night...” The wife, her face
filled with curiosity, then asked, “What if we hold the lighter between his legs?” The man did not
know. “Let's try it,” he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between
Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it
was the performance of his life: “Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire....”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1223
"While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to
know if she could take her dog on board. I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a
50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large
enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over. “I'll never be able to teach
him all that by tomorrow!” the customer complained." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1224
"What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean Beef What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1225
"I think it's unacceptable to mix races. You never see Horses and Dogs racing in one race do
you." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1226
The vet said to the Irish dairy farmer "I'm sorry, it's bad news. All your cows have Blue Tongue.
The farmer replies "Bejaysus....I didn't even know they had mobiles!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1227
There's no such thing as an 'ok' crocodile wrestler Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1228
The wife told me over breakfast that she has invented a shower gel for pigs. I said "hogwash"?
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1229
Daniel Radcliffe has said to Wagner that it would be awesome to have a pet lion. So are dragons,
winged horses, three headed dogs and werewolves pretty basic then? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1230
"The wife has just threw 2 Chickens a Turkey and a Duck at me. I'm in a fowl mood now!"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1231
"How do you find a Foxhole?? Lift its Tail Up..." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1232
"Water ship down. You’ve watched the film you’ve read the book now eat the stew" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1233
Alright everyone the cows have come home, you can stop what you’re doing... Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1234
"I dreamt I was being eaten by a cat last night. Must have been Freddy Cougar" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1235
"A unicorn and a Cyclops... Now that's and accident waiting to happen." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1236
"My wife's ran off with a giraffe... I probably shouldn't have mentioned that they have a 21 inch
tongue." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1237
Wasn’t allowed to join the x men because they said i needed more than just my bear hands!!!
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1238
What separates us from the Animals??.... Fences Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1239
Really sad about my Dalmatian dying, oh well, at least the house is spotless now. Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1240
Pedophiles ruin it for innocent van drivers who really DID lose their dog. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1241
"My wife just called me a dog. I feel like fetching a stick and beating...Hang on." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1242
"Lionel Ritchie was recently given a lifetime ban from Sea World. He was caught dancing on the
sea lions." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1243
"Men are like dog whistles...... Blow and we'll come." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1244
"I've got something that turns on all women. My American pit bull terrier." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1245
"I've just ripped out a pig's vocal chords with my bare hands. It appears to be disgruntled."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1246
"Two police dogs die from overheating after being left in a car - Sentenced to be decided. They
may want to look at a similar case of a black dog being locked in the boot of a car and surviving
around Christmas time, that got that guy 8 yrs." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1247
"I went to one of those violent bull fights in Spain, and I can honestly say I've never been so
appalled in my life. My seat cost a fortune and was so far back I could barely see the cows get
stabbed." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1248
"I went swimming with dolphins last week. It was really moving. Made a direct hit with my
harpoon really difficult." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1249
"My doctor just told me I can't get Cat AIDS... I wish I'd known that before...I could have saved
a fortune on condoms" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1250
"A British woman who went to a Thai nature resort to conquer her fear of monkeys has been
savaged by a pack of macaques not really a joke, just made me laugh" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1251
“"Warning as Boa Constrictor Goes on the Loose” Elsewhere, poisonous spider goes on the antivenom"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1252
"What do giraffes have that no other animal has? Baby giraffes." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1253
Why slaughter and incinerate livestock with foot and mouth disease when they could instead be
redeployed to clear the world's mine fields? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1254
Wasps: They are just WannaBees. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1255
"What noise annoys an oyster? A noisy noise annoys an oyster!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1256
I was in the jungle and got attacked by a snake. It bit me and I fell to the ground. Luckily there
was a ladder around the next corner Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1257
I treated my dog for ticks a week ago and it hasn't worked, his nose still twitches. Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1258
"What do you get when you cross a cow with an Arab? Milk Sheikh" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1259
"I'm not being paranoid but there's 5 Peruvian Owls standing on my garden fence, watching me
through my kitchen window. I'm sure they're Inca hoots!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1260
"My horse is pretty useless. It suffers from hay fever." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1261
"Wow! I've just found out that my dog can talk, I said “what's that tree made out of boy?”
“Bark!” He yelped." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1262
"I own one of the world's smallest farms. All I've got is one fat cow, one lazy pig, one old dog
and my wife. And they're all in the same body." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1263
"I like putting sock and boots on my feet when I go to bed my wife hates it though, she's allergic
to cats" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1264
"The other day, I felt like a chicken. So I crossed the road and went to KFC." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1265
"True story. A few years back I was being driven down to Wales with my girlfriend by her
Father and his new girlfriend, who was the only other English person in the car. “Look over
there”, said her dad, “the sheep are being sheared”. My reply of “Why, is there a dinner dance
tonight?” only made one person laugh, but that was enough for me." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1266
"My wife has just text me to say that she's bought a Siamese Cat. I can't wait to get home and see
it. I've never seen a cat with 2 heads before." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1267
"What do you call a sleeping fish? A Kipper" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1268
"What's the fastest animal in the world? A hamster if you throw it hard enough!" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1269
"When I said to my dog “play dead” I didn't expect him to jump in front of the next lorry"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1270
"I saw that movie where Mel Gibson has his hand up a beaver the whole time. I think it was
called 'what women want'." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1271
"An Englishman, a Scottish man and an Irishman all go for a job at a pet shop. The interviewer
tells all three that they can have a job if they can sing a song that includes a dog in the lyrics. The
Englishman sings “How much is that Doggy in the window”, the Scottiight. ..... Scooby doo be
doo be doo..”" Animals-Insectsshman sings “You ain't nothing' but a hound dog” , and Paddy
sings “Strangers in the n
Joke Number. 1272
"I took my Bulldog to a dog handler the other day. He's much easier to pick up now." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1273
"A rabbit, a fox and a bear are notified that they are to be conscripted into the Animal Army but,
as pacifists, they agree they do not want any part in the military and start looking for solutions. “I
can bite off my own tail,” says the fox. “They won't want a fox with no tail.” So the fox bites off
his lovely bushy tail, goes to the conscription center and comes back with his rejection slip.
“OK,” says the rabbit, “bite my ears off. They won't want a rabbit with no ears.” So the fox bites
off the rabbit's ears, the rabbit goes to the conscription center and also comes back with a
rejection slip. Then it's the bear's turn and the fox suggests they knock out all of his teeth with a
stone, as the Animal Army certainly won't want a bear with no teeth. So they knock out all the
bear's teeth, the bear goes to the conscription Centre and also comes back with a rejection slip,
but looks a bit depressed. “See,” says the fox. “I told you they wouldn't take a bear with no
teeth.” “Yet,” says the bear, “but they rejected me because I'm too fat.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1274
"I love a good game of 'Hungry Hippos'. But I had to stop playing when I lost my job at the zoo
after 3 of them starved to death." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1275
"Why do fish swim in salty water? Because pepper makes them sneeze" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1276
"Some moron started shouting at me to find out if I'd heard of elephants! I thought “of course I
have”, shortly before I was trampled by a herd of elephants." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1277
"Two snakes are in the middle of a forest. The first one says “Hey are we poisonous?” The
second snake says “I don’t know, why?” “I just bit my tongue.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1278
"What do you call a nice smelling Insect. A Deodar Ant" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1279
"A chameleon walks into a bar ... And never got served." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1280
"I told my boyfriend we're about to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet. He said “What, you mean
you're pregnant?”. I said “No, I've just super glued the hamsters ‘tail to its wheel”." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1281
"'A Dogs just not for Christmas.' Unfortunately doggie with my wife is." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1282
Just reading a new book on big wild cats called Tiger Attack, by Claude Tobitz Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1283
"What do you get if you cross a zebra with a paki? Run over by me in my lorry." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1284
"My dogs been missing for a week and I've had to put some posters up. He's blind, got 3 legs,
deaf in 1 ear and has aids, answers to the name, lucky." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1285
"I'm sure my mate's part chameleon, but he's denied it 'til he's blue in the face. If anything that
convinced me even more." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1286
"I went in the local shop to buy some treats for my pet beagle. I couldn't believe the price of
them... 6.45 for 20 Mayfair!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1287
"I was in tears when my cat had to be put down. I looked into his wide eyes and whispered in his
ear; “I love you Piddles, never forget that.” I then put him down in his basket and got a few
questionable looks from my Family as I plodded off into the kitchen." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1288
"I've just adopted a Giant Panda at Edinburgh Zoo. Mind you, I don't think he's going to be
happy when he's old enough to realize I'm not his real Dad." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1289
"Hold everything!" - training my pet octopus. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1290
"I was at a Family dinner and I turned to my wife and said “I think there's an elephant in the
room”. Apparently that's not an appropriate way to speak about your mother in law." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1291
"If moths are attracted to light, why are they nocturnal? Kind of like a pedophile working at a
retirement home." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1292
"I've taught my pet tortoise, Jerry, to breakdance. I say taught but actually I just put him on his
back." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1293
"What's yellow and dangerous? Shark infested custard." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1294
"What's grey? A melted penguin." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1295
"I see there was a really fast response after the fox attack on those babies. It's a good thing that
the parents didn't cry wolf by mistake." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1296
I got a new phone today. It's got less battery life than a KFC chicken. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1297
"If cats stray into my garden. I pretend they're Heather Mills. I give them one “Shoo!”. Then
watch them hop it." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1298
Do you think dogs think they have got beards? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1299
"What do Pirate Sheep say? Baargh!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1300
"Speaking about the mysterious blackbird incident last week, one resident said: 'Millions,
millions fly over every night. You look up at the sky and it's just black.” As opposed to every
other night when the night sky is bright green." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1301
"The vet's amputation ward went into lockdown yesterday. The entire wing was cut off."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1302
My girlfriend said she loves me dearly, so I attacked with a pair of antlers and mounted her.
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1303
"I was talking to a navy seal earlier. I couldn't understand why it was that colour..." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1304
"My pet tarantula has a deformed back & real problems walking. I fear it might have spider
bifida." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1305
"An animal rights protestor came up to me and asked if i liked Animals Only Roasted" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1306
“"Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a cat” “How long have you felt like this?” “Since I was
kitten”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1307
"I think my goldfish is incontinent. His bowl floweth over." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1308
The hardest part of owning a dog is telling him he's adopted. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1309
"Just found out my cow and goat have been dating. They are in a stable relationship." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1310
"Road accidents involving moose have risen by 20% this year in Sweden. I'm not surprised, how
you can control a car with a hoof?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1311
"My brother has been off work on full pay for a month now after a cow knocked him off his
stool. He's been milking it for all it's worth." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1312
"I hate jokes. I've felt that way ever since my fat mother-in-law went to the West Indies of her
own accord. And brought back a dog with no nose." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1313
"Sky 3, weekdays, at 11am 'Dogs with jobs' Talk about kicking the unemployed when they're
down!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1314
“"I like your black and white skin, I like your great big udder, but most of all. I like the way you
moo”!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1315
"My pet centipede died this morning. I'm really sad, but he was on his last legs." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1316
A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1317
"A termite lands on a fly. The fly says; “Are you a termite” The termite replies; “I might be”.
“That's the stupidest pun I've ever heard” “Give me a chance man, I just came up with it on the
fly”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1318
"I've just seen a midget driving a crane I hope the R.S.P.B don't find out, he might get charged
with avian cruelty!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1319
"My new girlfriend was cooking with the meat I got her when she started going off on one, “I
haven't seen my cat for hours, and he never goes out.” She said frantically, running around
kicking and screaming. I think she's making a meal of it." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1320
"My pets are very well trained. I throw a ball for my dog and shout “Catch it”. Bruno leaps into
the air and catches the ball. Meanwhile, Tiddles lays one out in her litter tray!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1321
"Amy Winehouse is dead? No.. Wait.. It’s just a neglected horse." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1322
"Definition of we know what you are up to Katie Price seen in deep conversation with Kate and
Gerry McCann about her upcoming Family holiday to Portugal" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1323
"Daily Mirror: Shark Widow: My Agony With all due respect love, you weren't the one who was
chewed up and eaten alive by Jaws." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1324
"What do you call an alligator who trades on the stock market? An investigator." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1325
"What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A Poultry Geist." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1326
"What goes “clip”? A one legged horse." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1327
I left school with 2 A levels. One in Biology and one in metalwork. Ever since then I've been
looking for a cat that needed welding. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1328
"What comes in buckets? Elephants" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1329
"I can never understand these people that say a dog is 'forever' Even when it goes straight from
the wok into the freezer it will only last 3 weeks max." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1330
"I just heard about the trainer that survived an attack by a killer whale. You can say what you
like about child labour, but they make shoes to last." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1331
"My wife told me to have the house spotless before she got home. So I buried her dog Spot in the
back garden." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1332
"What is yellow and white, and throws itself off the edge of the dining table? A lemming
meringue." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1333
"Never realized how bad the wasp problem is in Africa. Watching the Confederations cup it
sounds like they are everywhere." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1334
Wasps - The Pakis of the insect world! Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1335
"I went down to the new local shop which lets you trade in your beautiful winged Insects in
exchange for Caucasian males. It’s called pretty Fly for a white guy" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1336
Difference between man and Animals is that we don't use our tongues to clean our
genitals.......We have others do it for us. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1337
"Breaking News: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad attacks Octopus Paul I bet Paul saw this coming."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1338
"Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he isn't a chicken" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1339
I was reading my newspaper when my parrot said to me "Why are you staring at the carpet?"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1340
"What's the Difference between a weasel and a stoat? One's easily recognized - the other's totally
different" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1341
"My pet lizard leaned back onto his hind legs earlier and told a really good joke. He's a stand up
chameleon." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1342
"My friends planning on teaching all crabs a new unique way to walk now that would be a step
forward." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1343
"My dog has just bitten my disabled son. That's it, once this one’s gone, no more kids for me!"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1344
Apparently the Black Rhino is more dangerous than the White Rhino. Well there's a surprise!
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1345
"I slept at the wheel last night... I don't know how hamsters do it." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1346
I'm trying to build up the courage today to tell my pets they are adopted Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1347
"The police really are racist; they've just arrested a Panda under suspicion of killing that 17 year
old boy in Norway." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1348
"I was with my dog on the high street earlier when this woman came up and said “What a
beautiful Labrador” I couldn't see it myself" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1349
"What do you get when you mix a spider with a shoe? A shoe." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1350
"I heard that chickens actually descended from dinosaurs. They must've had fun sliding down its
tail." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1351
"Why couldn't the Viper viper Nose?. Because the Adder adder Handkerchief." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1352
"I have a Husky voice. I was raised by dogs in Alaska." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1353
A true test of whether the octopus really is a psychic would be to give him a prediction that's
lower than 50/50 odds. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1354
"In the mind of the dog: The humans offer me food, love and shelter. They must be my gods.
In the mind of the cat: The humans offer me food love and shelter. I must be their gods."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1355
"What do you call a cow's moustache? A moustache" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1356
"Sat on the table in the works canteen someone said, “What do you make of all these birds
dropping from the sky?” “Rohypnol??” I volunteered. There was a deadly silence. ... “Ahh! Not
those type of birds then”." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1357
"My six year old son has been begging me for months to buy him Angry Birds. He'll be in for a
treat when he comes home to find the ostriches I've caged up in his room." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1358
"How do lions like their steaks? Roar" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1359
Head Lice: They're living on the fringes of society. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1360
"Amy Winehouse's boyfriend is in hiding since waking up next to her. He's convinced the Mafia
are after him." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1361
'Appearances Can Be Deceiving' said my fortune cookie message; then I realized I'd cracked
open a snail. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1362
"My wife wanted to name our new dog 'On'. So I called it off." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1363
"My neighbor came banging on my door earlier. “Ere!” he said. “Your cat has been peeing in my
rhubarb.” “Not to worry mate, it's only a bit of water.” “That's not the point. I was having it with
custard at the time.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1364
A bird in the hand may well be worth two in the bush, but it makes blowing your nose very
difficult. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1365
People claim that cats hate water but I think my cat loves it, because I threw her in the swimming
pool a week ago. I mean she must have loved it because she still hasn't come out. Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1366
"My turtle ran away last month. He's barely past the driveway." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1367
It's so hot I just saw a bird pick up a worm with an oven glove!! Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1368
"Whenever I say, “Women have the brain size of Squirrels”, they get really annoyed. Who knew
Squirrels were so sensitive?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1369
"I struck lucky in the casino last night.. Apparently that's 'animal cruelty' according to Geoff
from security" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1370
"If only Africa had more Mosquito nets. Then every year we could save millions of mosquitos
from dyeing needlessly from AIDs" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1371
"I don’t like cats with two different colored eyes. They remind me of cats with same colored
eyes, and I don't like cats." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1372
"I felt like having a sing today, but as soon as I got into it, my wife yelled at me to get the cat out
of the blender. So I did. Then I started singing again." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1373
Scrambled eggs does sound a lot more appetizing that crushed chicken's periods. Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1374
"A guy tried to sell me 5 legs of venison for 100. I told him it was too much do." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1375
I'll install a bird bath in my garden when the birds install a hot tub on my balcony. Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1376
"I've got the memory of a goldfish. Its name was Bubbles and he was my first pet." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1377
"How did the Zebra get his stripes? He rescued four men while under mortar fire." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1378
"I just put a small Afro on my ear. My girlfriend ran away screaming. She hates earwigs."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1379
"Why do birds fly in circles over Bradford? The poor things have use one wing to hold their
noses." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1380
"I make my own fun. Like today, I'm sitting on the sofa, my dog's licking himself, and I’m
touching myself. We catch each other’s eyes, we both start laughing!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1381
"As the bad guy ran away, I took out my Colt, levelled it, took careful aim and squeezed.
'Neigh!'" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1382
Stroke my coat. You've pulled a cat. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1383
"I knew I shouldn't have adopted those two pandas, they're eating me out of house and home! I
also shouldn't have built my house out of bamboo." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1384
"As if my job as a zookeeper wasn't stressful enough, now the Emperor Penguins are trying to
turn me to the dark side!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1385
Just took a video of an angry lion... was some roar footage Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1386
"I was washing the car this morning when my wife shouted, “Mind the cat, he doesn't like
water.” He likes pressure washers even less now." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1387
My dog loves me, but I'm pretty sure if I dropped dead at home, he'd chew my face off the
minute he got hungry. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1388
“"My dog took first prize at the bird show!” “How?!” “He ate the prize canary...”" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1389
"Really happened: My daughter wanted a nameplate for her rabbit's hutch. The woman in the
shop asked, “What's your little rabbit's name?” My daughter said, “I haven't a clue, but I call him
Philip!” --------------------- Worth a thought isn't it?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1390
"I've just been fired from my job feeding the fish at SeaWorld..... Apparently I wasn't serving a
Porpoise??" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1391
"I'd never written a joke about a Pig before. But now I’ve penned one." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1392
"I've just seen this headline: 'Man Kills Hamster in Microwave'. Bing." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1393
I asked for chicken drummers, and I was given pieces of chicken in breadcrumbs? Where are the
feathery musicians I requested? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1394
How do Llamas wake up in the morning? with an allama clock Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1395
"The BBC is bringing out a new series of One Man and His Dog but it's only going to be for the
Welsh viewers... It's called “One Man and His Pimp.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1396
"I went coursing with my dog, Alopecia, today. She came back after 3 hours. Still no hare."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1397
"What’s about 7 inches long a little bit furry usually only comes out at night and likes my
girlfriend? My new hamster" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1398
"I got into a fight in the vets waiting room today when my badger bit someone. I got a cut above
my eye and a fat lip, but you should see the otter guy." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1399
"Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was
not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their
message, and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close
and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the
door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young
people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach
them a lesson, when one of them said, “Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your
cat.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1400
"My mate spends all his time in the garden and really has green fingers! He's a frog." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1401
I wonder if camels ever look down at their toes and think "oh my god that looks like a...?"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1402
"My cat keeps beating me at Pac Man. To be fair, he did start with 9 lives." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1403
"I went to London and got myself a turtleneck the other day. And a life-time ban from Sea Life."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1404
"Did anyone see the Cat on the pitch at Afield? It was only on for three minutes and went past
more people than StewArt Downing has all season." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1405
"In mediaeval times, horses that died in battle were taken to the taxidermist. It was the stuff of
knight mares" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1406
"My dog's getting slow in his old age. He's just brought me yesterday’s newspaper." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1407
"My mate's made a 'Dog Grooming video Guide'. It looks pretty good, he's just shown me a
clip." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1408
"My dog can talk. Last night I asked him what 2 minus 2 was & he said nothing." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1409
My dog is my best friend. How sad does that make my social life? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1410
"I planted some explosives in a male cow today. It was Abominabull." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1411
"My Wife got our son a Dalmatian puppy for his birthday. It has been yapping for a week and
keeping me up at night. so I kicked it across the room.....That hit the spot." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1412
"Why did the squirrel scream? Because somebody pinched his nuts" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1413
"BBC News- Body parts found in shark. What else do they think a shark is made from?"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1414
"What do you call a monkey that flies? A hot air baboon." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1415
"I'm a hunt saboteur... I like to walk round the countryside shooting foxes." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1416
"My mum always told me that eating carrots would make me able to see in the dark Which made
the night my pet rabbit escaped and fell into the garbage disposal all the more crushing"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1417
"I went to see Deaf Leopard today. “Shout all you want, it won't hear you!” Said the angry zoo
keeper." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1418
Earwigs: For people who can't grow their own ear hair. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1419
"My granddad once killed a lion with one hand. It had paws on its other legs though." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1420
"News: Cat killed by sniper. I guess putting them in bins got boring" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1421
"BBC News: Bear Kills 'UK Tourist in Norway' Does anyone else think these Norwegians are
getting a bit desperate for attention?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1422
"My daughter screamed as she found blood in the toilet, It's funny, I thought 8 flushes would
have shifted a rabbit..." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1423
"I saw a dead fox lying at the side of the road earlier. It was disgusting. Probably should've
cooked it first..." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1424
"Bulls: They're like cows, you just have to work harder to get their milk out." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1425
"Me and my wife were like 2 wild Animals last night. She went for food while I ate the
Children." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1426
Chameleons: What are they hiding? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1427
"I lined my travelling trunk with cocaine in a bid to get through customs. How was I to know
that taking an elephant through an airport would draw so much attention." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1428
"My friend showed me the fish at the bottom of his garden. One of them fluttered its eyelashes at
me, then quickly swum away. I think it was a little coy." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1429
"What bird gets out of breath easily? A puffin!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1430
You know you are getting desperate when you start looking at the dog in a different way.
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1431
"The “Black Mamba”, One of Africa's most dangerous and feared snakes. Surprise, Surprise"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1432
"I went down on my missus last night and I've had a hair stuck in my teeth all day. I finally got it
out during the lunch break at work and we've decided to keep it as the office pet." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1433
"What animal is best at brading female pubic hair? Platypus." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1434
"What do you call an adolescent rabbit? A Pubic Hair" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1435
"There are two things you should always carry. 1) A small bottle of Whiskey in case of
snakebite. 2) A snake." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1436
"There was a man walking in the desert. He didn't know where he was, and all around him was
just sand, and he couldn't see anything else apart from the sun and the sand dunes. Puzzled, the
man started walking. He walked for a mile and saw a single Cricket Ball lying on the ground. A
smile was on the man's face as he said, “Great! If there's a Cricket Ball here then I must be Close
to somewhere! You don't just find a random Cricket Ball in the desert!” The man was really
happy so he walked another mile and found another Cricket Ball. “Wow,” he said, “I must be on
the right track! I'm getting closer...” The man walked for another mile and looked on the ground
to find a castrated cricket." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1437
"Why do foxes have fur coats? Because they'd look stupid in anoraks." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1438
"I've just started a business which is a rat and mouse washing service. It's going great... All our
customers are squeaky clean" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1439
My mate says that he's a rabbit carver, not a rabbit butcher. Personally, I think he's just splitting
hares. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1440
If those Monkeys at London zoo had any sense they would have made a run for it over the last
few nights, be virtually impossible to track them down. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1441
"I've got a border collie. He only comes home in the school holidays." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1442
A dog isn't just for Christmas, put a nice pair of rabbit ears on its head and it can also make a
great novelty pet for Easter too. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1443
"I took a tablet earlier that made me turn green and grow wings. I think it was a Parakeetamol."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1444 "Horse racing is one of the most immoral sports around and should be banned
immediately. I mean strapping midgets to horses is just inhumane." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1445
"Two worms stood in a cue. One says “Can you smell wood?”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1446
"As a farmer, I really hate people who steal my Animals. They really get my goat." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1447
"I make my dog work for his treats. R.I.P Rover, that conservatory job was just too much for
you." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1448
"My son recently saw a beautiful dog, Jack, for sale, and asked if we would be able to buy it. I
said that we don't have enough room for in the house for him. Oh well, maybe his new foster
parents will buy him a dog, who knows?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1449
"I was driving through a safari park the other day and the baboons broke both wing-mirrors,
scratched the paint and pulled the wipers off. I was furious. The cheeky git of a taxi driver tried
to charge me extra for the damage." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1450
"I went to the pet shop to buy a Chinchilla. Terrible idea, if anything it's made my face even
warmer." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1451
"What do you call a Horse with Three Legs? A Reliant Dobbin." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1452
"My granddad used to keep a pet goldfish in his head. He loved that fish, you could see it in his
eyes." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1453
"What do you get from a nervous cow? Milkshakes." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1454
when confronted by a lion, bear or tiger in the wild always stroke them in the direction their fur
lies, never stroke against the nap as they don’t like that Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1455
I got thrown out of the local zoo last week for repeatedly beating their endangered Panda cubs
with a metal chair. They said I misinterpreted the sign next to the enclosure saying, 'support the
WWF'... apparently it's the WWE now. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1456
"What do you call the leader of the worms? Master Bait" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1457
"I remember years ago, waking up really early on Christmas day, running down stairs, ripping
open one of my presents... But unfortunately it was a puppy." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1458
"I joined a line of people outside the taxidermists. An animal rights activist approached and said,
“What's going on?” I said, “Fur queue.” He said, “There's no need to be rude.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1459
"Where do you find a rabbit hole? Under its tail." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1460
"I've finally figured out a way to get my dog to do as I tell him... I tell him to do what he wants."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1461
Dogs smell, drool, constantly want fed and always have the urge to hump things...... No wonder
they're man’s best friend. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1462
My pet mouse only responds when I refer to him as a mouse. I don't tell anyone his real name as
he would prefer to remain a non-e mouse Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1463
"I had a go on one of those stalls where you shoot a duck over and you get a prize. I noticed if
you aim the gun at the guy running the stall, you get ALL the prizes." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1464
"When I was younger my mum came home to find my hamster was dead. Not wanting me to get
upset she ran down to the pet shop and got a new one that was very similar, hoping that I
wouldn't notice... But I did, and I killed that one too..." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1465
"I love my new job as an animal trainer. I'm currently teaching young crows. They're battling
with the alphabet though. They can't grasp the concept of going from A to B." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1466
"I had a look at a rambling guide yesterday. I was quite surprised by it really, I didn't realize you
could get jewelry for sheep." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1467
"My Grandad was killed by a load of baby eels Elver way to go" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1468
"Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? To look for a tight seal." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1469
"So Police are set to reopen the Amy Winehouse investigation into her death? Can't they just let
sleeping dogs lie" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1470
"What kind of Sandals do Frogs wear? Open Toad." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1471
"Just dished up some food for the dog. Some lettuce and tomato with his usual tinned dog food. I
like to call it a Ceaser salad." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1472
"I was fingering these two blonde chicks but I had to stop... they started pecking me." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1473
"My bird has started to smell really bad lately. I had to buy him some dove deodorant." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1474
“"That zebra you sold me is fake!” Shouted the owner of the zoo. “Well spotted.” I admitted."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1475
A two-year-old American boy has been killed by pitbulls after opening his garage door for them.
Understandably, the world is shocked, and asking itself the same question: how on earth did a
two-year-old open a garage door? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1476
"I took the liberty of milking my mates’ cow the other day. She took a while to start but made
about a cupful of milk. I tasted some and it tasted good and fresh. After I finished the cup my
mate woke up and I told him how nice his cow's milk was. That's when he told me he had a
bull." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1477
"A vet told me today that my fish has got cancer. I'm gutted, and now so is he. It was either that
or Nemotheropy and I didn't want to see him suffer." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1478
"What's extremely dangerous and swings through the trees? A monkey with a shotgun" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1479
In a way, when I sold my parrot it was as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1480
"I've just seen an advert for 'Dog trainers' in the paper... i can't get mine to wear a collar, let alone
sportswear." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1481
There are so many animal rights activists around nowadays. You can't even swing a dead cat
without hitting one. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1482
"We surveyed 100 cats! We asked them if they preferred kitykat or paws cat food! Results show
that 100% of cats surveyed can't understand or speak English!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1483
"UK scientists have found a new species of squirrel which are black. They are reported to be
more aggressive and violent than regular squirrels. Funny that..." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1484
"Why did the farmer put pink cowboy hats on his chickens? It was hen night." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1485
If you're ever discussing facts about your Manx cat with anyone, remember, it's all about the
detail. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1486
"I spotted a golden retriever this morning... I've always preferred Dalmatians." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1487
"My pet wasp died today. If anybody would like to pay their respects, the body will be in the
cake shop window from 9am tomorrow." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1488
"Before I dump my load into our pet dog, I like to reach around and bring him off first. Pets at
Home. Where pets come first" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1489
"Sometimes when I cut my toe nails I like to leave them all over the room. Just in case bugs need
to use them as swords when they're at war." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1490
"I had a terrible first day running my new store, the stock flew off the shelves. I should probably
get bird cages for my pet shop." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1491
Animal rights activists never do more than one thing at a time. They don't want to kill two birds
with one stone. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1492
"What do you call a dog who starts bringing dead birds home? A copycat." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1493
I'm trying my best to shake this annoying bird who keeps tweeting me. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1494
The government is now saying that all dogs will have to be chipped. A spokesman for the
Korean community said that this was great news Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1495
"I love freebees. Good thing the keeper next door had a heart attack." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1496
"I call my dog Herpes. He just won't heel." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1497
"I was sitting in the park with my girlfriend watching the sun go down, when my mate came
walking over with a cheeky smile on his face. “You two lovebirds.” he laughed. I said, “Indeed,
our favorite is the Greenfinch.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1498
"A guy in the pub said he would buy me drinks all night, if I could make his dog do what I told it
to. So I threw it on the fire and shouted, “Get off”." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1499
Why is there no mouse flavored cat food? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1500
"A giraffe sleeps for less than two hours a day. This is because their long necks allow them to get
at the cocaine other browsing Animals cannot reach." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1501
"I was once debating about animal testing with someone who claimed it was their responsibility
to 'give a voice to the voiceless'. So I guess parrots are fair game." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1502
A mouse walks into a music shop and asks the shopkeeper for a mouth organ. The shopkeeper
says "That’s strange you’re the second mouse in here this morning asking for a mouth organ"
The mouse replied Yeah - That’s probably our Monica!!!! Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1503
Apparently there's something offensive about snakes. My pet snake, was born with only one eye
(unfortunately), and when I ask people if they want to see my 'one eyed snake' I get these
disgusting looks off them. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1504
"A giraffe walks into a bar. The barman says, “You've got some neck coming in here.”"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1505
"My cat got spayed today. Now all she needs is a bucket and we can go to the beach." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1506
I have just seen an endangered large bird fly into a house and kill itself.......Stupid Bustard!
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1507
"I convinced a mate of mine that he was part of an octopus's arm.. Sucker.." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1508
"My dog's got a hand growing where his tail should be. He keeps wagging his finger at me - so is
he happy or cross?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1509
"Bob goes to the dog's home and asks the guy in charge: “That big Alsatian there looks friendly,
but does he like small Children?” “He loves 'em,” says the guy, “but it'd be a lot cheaper to buy
him proper dog food.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1510
"My mate asked my Advice on which dogs are best to take on a duck shoot. I gave him a couple
of pointers." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1511
Snakes like to chew Wrigley's Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1512
My pet Rabbit has been very ill recently, but it's getting better. He's recovering in leaps and
bounds. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1513
"As I jumped onto the back of the motorbike, it made a loud roaring noise and shot off down the
street. Everyone was staring open-mouthed and I could just tell they were all thinking how cool I
looked in my leathers. But then I lost control and was headed right for a pedestrian. The bike
threw me off, and carried on right into him, before ripping his leg off and eating it. Looking
back, it might have been a lion..." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1514
With jobs thin on the ground, I took a risk and had a go at elephant poaching. There were some
surprised faces when I turned up for work with a 2,000 gallon drum of boiling water and a 40-
foot slotted spoon. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1515
"I don't know why the kids and wife were so upset. I though naming our new dog 'Emergency
Food Supply' was very appropriate." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1516
“"My new boyfriends just like a panda” “What - he eats, shoots & leaves?” “No, he's fat and
sterile.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1517
"I spilt some Mr Muscle Descaler last week and my pet snake slithered right through it. I don't
have a pet snake anymore, more a big chubby worm :(" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1518
"I can't really blame pandas for not mating with each other. It must be weird doing it with
someone who looks just like you." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1519
"My girlfriend came running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. “There's a huge
spider in there!” She said. “Thanks love, I'll remember to knock first.” I replied." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1520
"My girlfriend won two goldfish at the fair last night, so we decided to call them Thelma and
Louise. They will most probably be dead by the end of the week." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1521
"Why is that when a group of kittens are born they are called a litter? I don't put them all in the
bin, sometimes I keep one." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1522
"Pets At Home. “Where Pets Come First” Liars." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1523
"I saw a badger dead on the road the other week, my mum got really emotional about it, so I told
her a joke: “why did the badger cross the road?” “why?” “I don't know, he never got around to
telling me why.” ba boom." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1524
Shark attacks have increased ever since the tuba player was killed. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1525
Our town vet once neutered 50 dogs in 10 minutes. We call him the ace of spayed. Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1526
"I just saw snakes on a plane. And here I was thinking it only happens in movies." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1527
"What do epileptic snakes have? Hissy fits." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1528
"'...I'm teaching my dog to meow. I think it will help him if he has a second language'." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1529
"My pet mouse has just murdered my goldfish. I'm in shock. It's always the quiet ones, isn't it?"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1530
"Just walked in the kitchen, my dog was face down, flat out and there was dog food everywhere.
Must have been pedigreed." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1531
"What's black and kills people? Panthers." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1532
"I've just finished cleaning out my daughter’s budgerigar because she didn't want to do it. Well,
times are hard and we can't afford chicken." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1533
Yesterday I drugged some birds of prey and plucked them, I was just about to put the feathers in
the back of my van when I was caught by the police and they arrested me for ill eagle down
loading. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1534
“"It's just a spider, it's more scared of you than you are of it” my Dad told me. Pretty stupid
Advice for a housefly." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1535
A duck walks into a fish shop and asks if they batter fish because there's one in the pond that
keeps bullying him. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1536
I'm going to microwave a spider and let it bite me... superpowers here I come! Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1537
"I had to have my wife’s dog put down yesterday, it was the only humane thing to do. There was
no way he could have gone on living after the humiliation of being seen in a pink and yellow
hoodie." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1538
"My wife came storming up to me before 'I'm leaving you because your mind drifts and you
never pay attention to anything!' she said. ‘what if birds arnt singing their just screaming because
their scared of heights?' I replied." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1539
"What do you call a pig in an oven? Pork." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1540
"So after several attempts of the same experiment, I can safely say Dolphins really aren't so
smArt on land." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1541
“"You've got to have a look at that 'Cats in Bread' website.” Said my girlfriend. I thought the one
with two tails and no legs was the funniest." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1542
All my mates have started calling me spiders because women scream when they see me in their
house without realizing that they swallow me 4 times a year whilst they sleep. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1543
If you hate cats as much as I do, you’ll find that measuring the size of a room can be quite a lot
of fun Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1544
"Why there could never be great black sharks? They would drown instantly." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1545
"Found out my Wife is petrified of creepy crawlies the other day, then I thought of an advantage
to this..... ...I invested in an ant farm to ring fence the kitchen." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1546
Changing weather patterns mean that Animals are going to start to migrate differently.
Personally I look forward to seeing Bill Oddie going to do some bird-watching in Norfolk and
getting his head ripped off by a puma. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1547
"How can you tell if an elephant has been sleeping in your bed?! The sheets are wrinkled and the
bed smells of peanuts! How can you tell if a black man has been sleeping in your bed?! Your
bedroom window is smashed and your valuables are missing," Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1548
"I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday, She said “Surprise me with something
exotic”, So I put a king cobra in her birthday cake!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1549
"My new dog has a cleft palate, but he is highly intelligent, he already knows my name. When I
get home he stands at the gate and shouts “Mark, Mark, Mark”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1550
I wonder if dolphins have tattoos of fat chicks on their fins. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1551
"A man lost his lower leg when he was attacked by an 18 foot shark. Does this now make it a 19
foot shark?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1552
"The wife thought it was cruel of me to wake the kids so early and make them watch the cricket.
But it's just so cool the way it's sliding down the tarantula's throat." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1553
"Dogs Trust: Dogs die in hot cars. In other unrelated news, I have sent my wife on a cross desert
trip to Tesco." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1554
"I have always wanted to walk into an animal hospital with a fur coat on and say “There, sort
that lot out!”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1555
"Two owls are sitting in a tree. The first one announces “I'm getting married!” To which the
second replies “You twit, to who?!”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1556
"I went out with my mink coat on last night. Some silly cow shouted at me, “Some poor animal
died to make that coat.” I said, “It's ok sweetheart, this one was dead already.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1557
"Taxidermy. The only job where you can give Animals a good stuffing. And get away with it."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1558
The Coroner has removed a horse’s head from the flat of Amy Winehouse, unfortunately its still
attached to her body Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1559
I've just checked the cuckoo clocks -they're all tickety boo. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1560
"My wife said she is never going to a fancy dress party with me dressed in my wasp outfit ever
again. I spent all night trying to get out the window." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1561
I've heard that being eaten by a crocodile is just like falling asleep. In a blender. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1562
I'd like to see what happens when a shark is on her period. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1563
Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of
your pets. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1564
Got caught falling asleep in school the other day by the headmaster. Apparently, I am no longer
allowed to teach anymore. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1565
I saw a wasp acting like an Apis mellifera, and thought to myself "it can't bee." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1566
"Why did the Gallus gallus domesticus traverse the roadway? Because the agricultural overseer
had not correctly maintained his fowl coop perimeter, taking the necessary precautions to avoid a
potential escape of his stock which, accompanying the financial inconvenience, could in fact
pose a threat to the motor vehicles upon the nearby roadway; also risking the possibility of the
public fabricating jokes about the given matter." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1567
"Doctor, Doctor. I think I'm a chameleon! Who said that?!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1568
"I invited some mates over for a hog roast the other day. Just as the barbeque was about to be lit,
my mate nudged me and said “Dave, I thought you said there was a vegetarian option.” I replied,
“What do you think the apple in his mouth is for?”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1569
"Trust me never mix skunk with acid. You'll never be allowed back in that zoo again." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1570
“"Made with dolphin friendly tuna” That's a relief as I really don't like eating nasty tuna."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1571
"What's the Difference between me and a horse? About 10 inches." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1572
"The dog escaped out of our back garden last week, and when I hadn't found Rusty by dark, I
wondered if we'd ever see him again. But I was on the other side of town today, and there he
was. He'd made it all the way back to his owner's." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1573
"I saw a missing dog poster on a tree today. So I wrote on it, “I ran over him.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1574
"If first you don't succeed. You must be a budgie with teeth." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1575
"Why couldn't ants get into Club Doughnut? It was jam packed." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1576
"My horse was eating some hay when suddenly it reared back in pain with a needle stuck in its
mouth. “Cool”, I thought, “those are hard to find.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1577
"I got fined 50 by the local council for feeding the pigeons in the park today. Next time, I think
I'll take Weight Watchers bread with me." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1578
"So there is a picture on google of Mrs Obama edited to look like a gorilla. Wasn't a very good
editor if she looks the same if you ask me." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1579
"Looking for your cat? Try my wheel arches." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1580
"WSPA: “The amur leopard is so rare, there is hardly any footage of it” Ever heard of
YouTube?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1581
"I was searching the web the other day... and I found a spider." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1582
"Did you hear about the cheesy sparrows? They don't like my grating." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1583
"Where do you find killer whales? Prison." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1584
"What has fifty legs and can't walk? Half a centipede." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1585
I wish I was a mayfly, then till death do us part wouldn't sound so bad. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1586
"Mick Hucknall of Simply Red has been prosecuted for raping a rabbit, Apparently when he was
caught he was singing “Holding back the ears” and “Bunnies too tight to mention”" Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1587
I'm thinking of hiring a S.W.A.T team to fix my fly problem. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1588
"The pride of Britain awards are coming up. My money's on the white lions at the West
Midlands Safari Park." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1589
"The widow of the man killed by a shark has been quoted as saying@ “I'm so proud of my
husband - he's wanted to be a comedian for years, now he's made the whole world laugh.”"
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1590
"I don't know why they call them 'Drug Sniffing Dogs'. It's usually more effective the other way
around." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1591
"I thought I saw a gecko run across my computer screen. Upon closer inspection I realized it
wasn't a gecko. It was actually a monitor lizard." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1592
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1593
"A Hedgehog and a Rabbit had a Boxing match earlier. The Hedgehog won on points. Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1594
"My new girlfriend said she loved her creature comforts. So I skinned her cat and made a lovely
hat for her." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1595
"Took my dog to the vets because it refused to eat it's food and started eating nothing but
veggies. Turns out it's a rabbit." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1596
"The wife and I came to blows the other night over angry dolphins. I think we were talking about
cross porpoises." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1597
"What do you call a pig with Asperger’s? Socially pork ward." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1598
"Last night I came home drunk and waxed lyrical in front of my girlfriend. Wouldn't be so bad,
but 'Lyrical' is her cat." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1599
"I just bought a Muzzle for my pet Duck... I hope it fits the Bill." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1600
"How do you stop moles from digging up your garden? Hide the spades!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1601
"Things have been strained between me and the wife recently, earlier she said: “Grrrr, rooar,
grrrr...” I know things are bad, she's bearly talking to me." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1602
"A young man can learn a lot from a dog... Loyalty, obedience and the importance of turning
around three times before lying down." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1603
"Just found out that my dog could read after leaving him in the Veterinarian's waiting room. The
sign said, “Be back in 10 minutes. Sit! Stay!”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1604
"My mate told me if I cut my pet goat's horns off it would become more confident. It didn't work
- if anything it's got even more sheepish." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1605
"What did the domestically abused fish get for Christmas?
Battered" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1606
I bought a lap dog, but I had to get rid of it. Every time I sat on its lap it bit me. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1607
"sky news; Man Caught 'Smuggling' Bear Out Of Russia. cant wait to see that episode."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1608
"I have two pet hates. Much more fun than having a cat or a dog" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1609
"I was sat outside earlier on, in the sunshine, admiring two birds mating in a tree. That tree
outside the house has really come in handy since my new lesbian neighbors moved in." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1610
I’m worried about my budgie at home, while I've been away he hasn't tweeted once. Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1611
"Took a trip out to Africa to check out the wildlife. I saw some jaguars, rams, cobras, vipers and
beetles. I thought Africa was poor, how come they can afford such flash cars?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1612
My mate told me he has a shed full of geese. I asked him for a gander... Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1613
"At the weasel fanciers exhibition I thoroughly disgraced myself. Apparently, I'd taken along the
wrong breed of animal. *cough*..... I'll get me stoat." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1614
"My girlfriend is like a dandelion, beautiful on a summer’s eve or on a winter’s night. And when
I get bored of her i kick her and she goes into the air a few feet." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1615
"Paddy and his wife are distraught that their dog has gone missing. After a week his wife,
becoming more and more upset, tells Paddy to place a message in the local newspaper, hoping
that someone may have spotted him. When Paddy return from his duty, his wife asks; “Well,
have you done it?”. “Yes” replies Paddy. “Good. What did you put”, says his wife. “Here boy”,
Paddy replies." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1616
"Shark attack: 'This was a rogue shark' unlike those friendly ones." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1617
Sometimes, I go to the local farm, steal a sheep, cut off its legs and head then pretend I have a
fallen cloud in my garden. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1618
Spider: Hi! I just finished eating all the flies, keeping away the ants, and drove away the
termites.....sure! I'd love to read the paper... Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1619
You can't keep a good dog down... unless it's been at the pound too long. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1620
"Some chavs broke into the local zoo and threw two penguins into the lion enclosure. But don't
worry, they couldn't get the wrappers off." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1621
Definition. Lamb Shank - The Art of killing sheep Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1622
"I used to be an avid bird watcher Then I took a sparrow to the knee." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1623
"My son just said, “Dad, I've just invented a designer farm animal.” I said, “Son, I'm Prada
Ewe.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1624
"My kids will never forget the first time I took them to see the pigs, the cows, and sheep. “A
farm, you mean” suggested my mate. “No. A slaughter house”." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1625
Always by my side protecting me, I love my pet... rock. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1626
"Birth control pills designed for humans will also work for a gorilla. The fact that saved me a zoo
sponsorship." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1627
"I've been doing lots of work on the effects of smoking on monkeys The sole conclusion I've
drawn is that they look cooler than the none smoking monkeys." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1628
"Great, the local mafia boss just scratched my dog's back. Now he owes him a favour." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1629
"I've got twice as many Koi Carp in my pond today. I put it down to the Fish School Stimulus."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1630
"Went on safari in Africa, and filmed several wild beasts doing amazing things. Like carrying a
huge basket of clothes on their heads for example." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1631
"I lost my dog so I sent a tweet on Twitter to try and find him Joke Number. here boy" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1632
"What’s the Difference between panda's and ginger? We're trying to stop the panda's dying out."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1633
"My next door neighbor has got a sick sense of humor. He chopped up a pig and hid the parts
around the garden and made his son search for them. Pork Hunt." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1634
FOR SALE, 3 Albino Dalmatian pups......."Spotless" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1635
"Scientists have discovered that chickens are closely related to humans I don't agree, I’ve never
had a chicken breast with a nipple." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1636
"My wife's dog just came running past with one of my slippers. God knows how he keeps a size
10 on that little paw of his." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1637
"It's fun playing football with my rabbit. Although she's not as bouncy as a real football."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1638
"Police found a dead kitten, dressed in a little police uniform. They're looking for a copycat
killer" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1639
“"Where's Rover gone again daddy?” asked my little girl. “He's gone to live on a farm darling,
where there are lovely big fields he can run around in all day.” “That's nice daddy. I'm so happy
his legs must have grown back after you squashed them with the car.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1640
"Imagine a female werewolf, once a month she'd turn into a vicious man-eating monster in a
blind rage. And then another time in the month she'd turn into a wolf." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1641
"They say if you blow in a dog’s face that it can't breathe. Mine must be trying to commit suicide
with his head outside of my car window." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1642
"'Camilla stable after surgery' don’t they mean in her stable?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1643
"A horse walks into a bar and asks, “Why the long face?” “What?” asks the confused barman."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1644
"Lost my job as a shepherd because I couldn't count the sheep. I kept falling asleep." Animals-
Insects
Joke Number. 1645
"My sick dog brings all the bait I need to go fishing with. He's a worm carrier." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1646
Did you hear about the blind skunk..... it fell in love with a fart Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1647
For some reason, I find any animal with hypersensitive hearing really eerie Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1648
"Behave. The place where posh bees fly to." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1649
"Researchers at Bristol University say a breed of blood-sucking ticks has been discovered in the
UK. Wait a minute, blood-sucking leeches appearing near the start of April? That's just Inland
Revenue!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1650
"The wife's got a new penfriend. Even pigs need someone to play with." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1651
I accidently left my lunch in the car today. It`s okay though it was only a couple of hot dogs.
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1652
"Do you remember the old PG Tips adverts? I've thought about how amusing it would be if they
got monkeys to dress up in rappers' clothes and “bling” and “rap” in rap music videos... Oh
wait..." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1653
I've just bought a load of giant African land snails. I don't want to breed them or anything, I just
want to dot them round the garden so the resident hedgehogs think they're in the middle of a
wonderful dream. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1654
"Whenever I went gambling I always took my lucky goldfish. He would swim around in his little
bowl whilst I gambled. He died today so I held a small funeral. Nothing special, I just wrapped
him in newspaper with some chips." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1655
"I was desperate for the toilet earlier today. I had a little turtle-head popping out. I knew I should
have chewed it properly." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1656
"My mate got killed by a quadrapalegic last night. I warned him not to pick a fight with a Boa
Constrictor." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1657
"Come on, I'll help you out of the water. You'll drown otherwise," said the friendly elephant as it
placed the fish safely on the tree. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1658
"There isn't room to swing a cat in here. Guess I’ll go outside and play." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1659
"I was devastated to learn that my wife had taken the cat after our divorce. I thought we had a
mutual feline." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1660
"In recent studies, Shih Tzu dogs are the most likely to attack a person. Maybe if we stopped
calling them Shih Tzu's they'd feel a lot calmer." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1661
Apparently worms are at their bravest when they're in pears. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1662
"I don't see the point in big, ugly Animals with wide mouths and stubby legs. Guess I'm just
hypocritical." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1663
"Woman on the bus said to me, “Your fly is down.” I said, “I know, I'm taking him to see his
psychologist.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1664
"I was hiking through the woods when I came face to face with bigfoot. “Do you mind if I fake a
photo?” I asked him." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1665
"I never knew dogs could be racist. Then I met a sniffer dog." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1666
"A man walks into a vet with a dead labrador in his arms. The Vet looks at the dog and says
“sorry sir, your dog is dead” “I'd like a second opinion please” says the man laying his beloved
animal on the table. “One moment sir” says the vet second vet comes in carrying a cat, he waves
the cat over the dog and say “sorry sir, you dog is definitely dead” The man says “look are you
sure” “Yes” says the vet “these cat scans are very reliable”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1667
"I was telling my mate I just got myself a labrador. He said: “Oh they're really nice dogs, I love
them but they make you go blind.”" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1668
Do animal rights activists ever try to kill two birds with one stone? Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1669
Sharks in the Mediterranean have ravished on food today and are said to be ecstatic at the arrival
of 90 toothpicks to help them keep their teeth in good shape. Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1670
"I love Hummingbirds. That’s why I put a dab of superglue on the flowers of the Hummingbird
feeder." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1671
"Me and my mate picked up a couple of birds the other day. 'Yeah I think they're dead,' I said
and chucked them in the park bin." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1672
"I bought a new mouse pad last night. I don't know why I care for my rodents so much."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1673
"My cat adored me, was always at my side or on my lap. Then, one day, I just got fed up with it
and the cat left. I lost that loving feline." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1674
"Puppies all look cute and act adorable. But has anyone ever investigated their repeated
involvement in child abduction cases?" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1675
"I noticed a mouse popping its head out of a hole from a skirting board in my bedroom, so I rang
the Environmental health Agency. The bloke arrived shortly afterwards I and we stood in my
bedroom and waited for the mouse to appear , suddenly a Fish stuck its head out of the hole and
went back in again , I said “Did you see that Fish?” And the bloke said “I'm here about the
mouse Sir, we'll deal with the Rising Damp later”." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1676
"Told my bird to go make me a sandwich earlier. Stupid Parrot never gets the bacon right."
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1677
"My mother-in-law's coming over. I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang
upside down and sleep." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1678
I wonder if the first person that spotted a puma realized that he or she had invented the leopard?
Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1679
"I rang my mate but he answered the phone in tears. “What’s wrong?” I asked, concerned. “The
dogs just been hit by a truck! Just this minute outside the house, almost tore it in half!” he
wailed. “I'll be over right away!” I shouted. I've never seen inside a dog before." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1680
"Why would Glyptodons make excellent models? They're Pleistocene!" Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1681
"Wildlife cameramen seem to be very unlucky. They only ever seem to be able to find Meerkats
that are watching tennis matches." Animals-Insects
Joke Number. 1682
"My mate hung himself in a modern Art gallery. It was three weeks before anyone noticed." Art
Joke Number. 1683
At the Last Supper, how come no one sat at the other side of the table? Art
Joke Number. 1684
"I've developed a foolproof technique any of you can use to sculpt a model of an elephant. 1. Get
a huge block of marble. 2. Chip away anything that doesn't look like an elephant." Art
Joke Number. 1685
"As a painter, I'm proud to say some of my work can be seen in the National Gallery. I did the
skirting boards." Art
Joke Number. 1686
"Salvador Dali walks into a fish and orders a pint of stamps. The barman says, “Why the bicycle
wheel?”" Art
Joke Number. 1687
"I think I have a photographic memory... ...All the people in my head have red eyes." Art
Joke Number. 1688
"Abstract erotic Art... ...It's the shape of things to come." Art
Joke Number. 1689
"An Artist tried to concentrate on his painting, but the attraction he felt for his model
finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her. She
pushed him away. “Maybe your other models let you kiss them,” she said, “but I'm not that kind
of girl!” “Actually, I've never tried to kiss any of my models before,” he protested. “Really?” she
asked, softening. “How many models have there been?” “Four so far,” he replied, thinking back.
“A jug, two apples and a vase.”" Art
Joke Number. 1690
"I found an old unframed oil painting in my loft yesterday of a beautiful naked lady So I
mounted it" Art
Joke Number. 1691
"My girlfriend insisted on going to the Art gallery so I went along with it and after an hour
looking at pictures I called her over and said, “What about this one?” “Are you serious?” “Yeah,
it's the best one I've seen yet.” “If you don't want to be here, then leave.” “When did I say that?”
“When you called me over to look at the EXIT sign.”" Art
Joke Number. 1692
Went to an M.C. Escher exhibition today. All the best prints were on the second floor but
unfortunately I couldn't get there. Art
Joke Number. 1693
"I always thought auctions were really boring, but the one I went too today was really exciting.
Granted, I was sat at the back of the room with a tazer." Art
Joke Number. 1694
I lost so much cash through having my Art stolen recently, but fortunately this month I've Claude
Monet back. Art
Joke Number. 1695
"I got into a fight with an Artist last night... We drew" Art
Joke Number. 1696
"'Edvard Munch's The Scream sells for $120 million'. Victoria Beckham was going to bid for it..
Then she remembered that she had a mirror." Art
Joke Number. 1697
"I got some really bad news at my university today. Instead of funding my department they are
funding the language and the history department. Oh the humanities!" Art
Joke Number. 1698
"My father gave me my first condom. Sadly, he was wearing it at the time." Art
Joke Number. 1699
"A new exhibition where the Artist uses human excrement to create celebrity portraits opens
tomorrow. There'll be some familiar faces on show." Art
Joke Number. 1700
"I've just found a portrait of a policeman in the loft. I think it's a Constable." Art
Joke Number. 1701
"The wife went ballistic when I punched a constable yesterday. She was nearly as mad as the
museum staff." Art
Joke Number. 1702
"How do we know Vermeer had a low sperm count? Well, it's not 'Girl with a Pearl Necklace' is
it?" Art
Joke Number. 1703
"Felt it would be a good idea to draw straws with my mates to see which one of us went for the
munter out of a group of girls. And people say my BA in Art would be useless." Art
Joke Number. 1704
"My mate fancies himself as an Artist and wants to sketch me. I told him, “I'm very busy at the
moment.” “How about next Sunday afternoon?” he suggested. I said, “Not too sure - but pencil
me in.”" Art
Joke Number. 1705
"'Every picture tells a story'. The picture up in my house, tells me how bad security is at the
Khalil museum, and that Van Gogh's painting is not worth 32m." Art
Joke Number. 1706
"Went to a tarot card reading with my wife recently. You should have seen the look on her and
the old gypsy ladies faces when I drew the Death card. It was a look that clearly showed if I
didn't put the sketch pad and pen away I would not be coming to any further readings." Art
Joke Number. 1707
Consistently innovative and exciting, the London International Mime Festival returns....Now
you're talking Art
Joke Number. 1708
"Vincent Van Gogh. There's a man. Everyone said to him “you can't be an Artist! You only have
one ear!” and you know what he said? “Sorry, I can't hear you”." Art
Joke Number. 1709
"I've been working on a mosaic made of broken bottles, but it's not really all that it's cracked up
to be." Art
Joke Number. 1710
All the best Artistic ideas are kept inside drawers. Art
Joke Number. 1711
"My dad paints all of his pictures in his own blood. He suffers for his Art." Art
Joke Number. 1712
"Whenever I'm asked who the man of the match is, my answer is always the same. Lowry." Art
Joke Number. 1713
"What do you call an Artist with asthma? Van Cough" Art
Joke Number. 1714
Since writing on toilet walls is done neither for critical acclaim, nor financial rewards, does this
make it the purest form of Art? Art
Joke Number. 1715
I drew a blank in my Art exam. Art
Joke Number. 1716
"News: “The Tate Modern has removed a photo of actress Brooke Shields aged 10 from
its new exhibition over fears it will be a gathering place for pedophiles”. Okay guys I'm sorry but
the minibuses won’t be picking you all up now, your 5 deposit will be returned in the post
shortly." Art
Joke Number. 1717
"Damien Hirst partner has walked out on him for another man. Like a dead cow in an Art gallery
he must be gutted." Art
Joke Number. 1718
"Fifty shades of grey The first ever book for dogs" Art
Joke Number. 1719
"Who's boss of the pencil case? The Ruler." Art
Joke Number. 1720
"When Damien Hirst cuts a shark in half and preserves it in formaldehyde, he's a visionary
Artist. When I do it, I get banned from the aquarium." Art
Joke Number. 1721
Just finished reading 50 shades of grey - I thought it was rather monochromatic. Art
Joke Number. 1722
“"Mummy, Mummy, the kids at school say I'm a freak” “Shut up and comb your face”" Beauty
Joke Number. 1723
"A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing.
“Officer,” he asks, “have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?” “No, I haven't.
What's the problem?” “The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!” “Does this
fellow have any distinguishing features?” the officer asked. “Well, yes,” the barber replies. “He's
carrying one of his ears in his left hand.”" Beauty
Joke Number. 1724
Men who have six pack abs and care about them very much, will cover them in a thick layer of
fat. Beauty
Joke Number. 1725
"I saw the woman who's in that wrinkle removal cream advert at a party. I asked her what her
secret really is. “I'm twenty two”, she said." Beauty
Joke Number. 1726
"Today my boss told me my facial hair is bad for business, Nothing's been said by any of the
other escorts though." Beauty
Joke Number. 1727
"My wife has become so fat, I said to her “You are starting to look like my ex-wife”. “But you
only have ever been married to me”. She replied “Yes, I know”" Beauty
Joke Number. 1728
"Some women bleach the hairs on their upper lip to become more attractive... Does anyone
actually find a blonde moustache on a woman attractive?" Beauty
Joke Number. 1729
They say that diamonds are a girl’s best friend. I would have thought that a packet of tampons on
a heavy day might at least have got an honorable mention Beauty
Joke Number. 1730
I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one. Beauty
Joke Number. 1731
"I just asked out a girl I’ve known for years and I’m distraught. The most attractive person you
could ever meet, eyes that you can't help but stare into, wit that could get everyone laughing, an
unmatched smile that could warm anyone’s heart. Why she turned that down I don’t know."
Beauty
Joke Number. 1732
"My mate said I was too fat to climb a wall. I still can't get over it." Beauty
Joke Number. 1733
I approached a girl in a bar and told her she was one in a million. "Thanks" she said "That's very
sweet of you!" "Oh" I said "It's not a compliment. I just can't imagine that there are 999,999
uglier people. Beauty
Joke Number. 1734
"I'd hate to be a woman. Besides the periods, the hair and Beauty traumas, weight issues, and all
the housework they have to do, have you noticed how they always seem to turn a funny
orange/tan colour around winter time?" Beauty
Joke Number. 1735
"If you ever get attacked by a tiger just throw moisturizer cream at him.
Blocks the paws." Beauty
Joke Number. 1736
"I lent my friend a glue stick the other day instead of a chopstick. She still isn't talking to me."
Beauty
Joke Number. 1737
"I've almost finished developing an anti-ageing product and my wife has agreed to let me trial it
on her tonight. I just need to find a silencer now." Beauty
Joke Number. 1738
I realized I was getting old the other day when my hairdresser spent more time on shaving my
ears and eyebrows than she did on shaving my head. Beauty
Joke Number. 1739
Women must think I'm a handyman, since "help" is the first word out of their mouth when they
see me. Beauty
Joke Number. 1740
"Dear L'Oreal, How do you know your products work if they weren't tested on Animals?"
Beauty
Joke Number. 1741
"Just heard that Ashleigh Hall who was killed in County Durham was 'a lovely, lovely kid' who
was 'the nicest'. Obviously she was nice - she had to be. She was hideous." Beauty
Joke Number. 1742
"Why did the princess never brush her hair? She had leukemia." Beauty
Joke Number. 1743
"My mate gets dumped pretty regularly, so I asked him how long it takes to get over a girl. He
replied “Depends how fat she is.”" Beauty
Joke Number. 1744
"Inside every fat woman is a thin woman and a lot of chocolate. Inside every thin woman is a fat
woman waiting for marriage." Beauty
Joke Number. 1745
"I don't really like my new hair. But I suppose it'll grow on me..." Beauty
Joke Number. 1746
"I walked up to this woman in a bar the other night “You're a feminist, aren't you?” i said to her
amazed she said “Yes, yes I am, but how'd you know?” so I told her “I can see your armpit hair
from the other side of the room you fat, ugly cow”." Beauty
Joke Number. 1747
"I used to hate facial hair!! But eventually, it grew on me." Beauty
Joke Number. 1748
"My wife told me that I needed to go to the gym and get in shape. I replied, “I am in shape!” A
sphere is a shape." Beauty
Joke Number. 1749
Girls who pull the trout pout in pictures are so obviously fishing for compliments. Beauty
Joke Number. 1750
"My friends said to me, “I always has Johnson’s baby lotion in my cupboard.” “That’s funny,” I
replied “I just have Johnsons baby in mine”" Beauty
Joke Number. 1751
"Whenever I go into the toilet after my wife there is always a strong scent of air freshener. I'm so
glad she likes her new perfume." Beauty
Joke Number. 1752
I just bought a new pair of gloves, or so I thought. One of them is second hand. Beauty
Joke Number. 1753
"Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? A: The back of her head." Beauty
Joke Number. 1754
Today my fashion statement is, "I missed a spot shaving." Beauty
Joke Number. 1755
Surely if Alpecin works, you would end up with really hairy hands? Beauty
Joke Number. 1756
Bald people face discrimination. One guy told me he "can't help my kind," and asked me to
leave his shop! He was an awful barber anyway. Beauty
Joke Number. 1757
You`ve got teeth like a witch doctors necklace. Beauty
Joke Number. 1758
"What is the nickname given to Toddlers and Tiaras? The reason condoms were invented."
Beauty
Joke Number. 1759
"I've just booked an appointment with the new German barber. Herr Cut" Beauty
Joke Number. 1760
"New Eau de Condom by Calvin Klein... ...For him and for her!" Beauty
Joke Number. 1761
"I've just taken up speed reading. Last night I did war and peace in 20 seconds. I know it's only 3
words but it's a start!" Books
Joke Number. 1762
"I went to the book store earlier to buy a 'Where's Wally' book. When I got there, I couldn't find
the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played." Books
Joke Number. 1763
"I've been thinking of writing a mystery novel. Or have I?" Books
Joke Number. 1764
"Man goes into a library and asks for a book about French War Heroes. The librarian tells him to
try the fiction section." Books
Joke Number. 1765
I got banned from Waterstones today for moving all the 'Caution - Wet Floor' signs to the '50
Shades of Grey' shelf. Books
Joke Number. 1766
"I went to Waterstones today to get a book about conspiracies. There were none there.
Coincidence?" Books
Joke Number. 1767
Breaking News: Archaeologists digging at the site of Shakespeare's house have uncovered
thousands of monkey skeletons. Books
Joke Number. 1768
"I've just published a book on DIY. It's blank and comes with a free pen." Books
Joke Number. 1769
I ordered a joke book off Amazon last week.... but I didn't get it. Books
Joke Number. 1770
"Our new librarian is very polite. I think she is Italian. I've just taken a book back that was
months overdue but, rather than charging me, she just said, “That's-a-fine.” So I thanked her and
walked out." Books
Joke Number. 1771
"I've just bought a 3D Kindle. Or a book as it's commonly known." Books
Joke Number. 1772
"My mate just stole my Thesaurus. Frankly, I'm lost for words." Books
Joke Number. 1773
"A guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, your going to have to help me. Every morning I wake
up convinced that I wrote Lord of the Rings.” The doctor nods and replies, “Don't worry, you've
just been Tolkien in your sleep.”" Books
Joke Number. 1774
Whenever I worry that I've been wasting my life, I cheer myself up by remembering that I have
never read a Twilight book. Books
Joke Number. 1775
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down. Books
Joke Number. 1776
“"Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally,
Wally, Not Wally...” Where's Wally Audiobook" Books
Joke Number. 1777
"I spent almost an hour at the Bookstore yesterday signing Books. Which was pretty good, since
they caught me after just 25 minutes the last time." Books
Joke Number. 1778
"I've started dating Little Red Riding Hood's gran. She's an animal in bed." Books
Joke Number. 1779
After being escorted out of Kings Cross station with concussion I'm beginning to think my
HogwArts acceptance letter was a hoax. Books
Joke Number. 1780
Thanks to '50 Shades of Grey', my wife's Kindle now smells like 50 cans of tuna. Books
Joke Number. 1781
"I hope my new book does well. It's called “How to be concise and get straight to the point using
the minimum of diminutive words necessary to convey your meaning as clearly as possible
without overly long descriptions and explanations.”" Books
Joke Number. 1782
"I went to a Bookstore and asked the saleswoman: “Where's the self-help section?” She said that
if she told me, it would defeat the purpose." Books
Joke Number. 1783
"My brother has just set fire to one of my Mr Men Books. No more Mr Nice Guy." Books
Joke Number. 1784
"Newcastle v Reading today. Newcastle don't stand a chance; Geordies have never seen a book
never mind read one." Books
Joke Number. 1785
"I've just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It started off badly but, by the end, I really
liked it." Books
Joke Number. 1786
My mate finally finished writing his book about cooking with herbs. It's about thyme. Books
Joke Number. 1787
"How do you make a goldfish age? Take away the G." Books
Joke Number. 178
"I walked into Waterstones and asked, “Do you have any Books on 'How to stop impulse
buying'?” “Yes we do.” “Excellent. I'll take seventeen copies please.”" Books
Joke Number. 1789
"Hopefully I've got a book coming out soon. Admittedly, I don't think I should have eaten it in
the first place." Books
Joke Number. 1790
"My friend recommended a book to me. She said it was a real page turner. I was like, “yeah, I
know how Books work.”" Books
Joke Number. 1791
"J K Rowling is planning two Harry Potter sequels where he re-enters the world of the Muggles:
Harry Potter & the Tuition Fees of In affordability Harry Potter and the Unclimbable Housing
Ladder" Books
Joke Number. 1792
"I commute a lot, so I bought one of those new Apple iPads so I can read virtual Books on long
journeys. It's brilliant, it's just like reading a normal book except it runs out of batteries and it
gives me a migraine." Books
Joke Number. 1793
I've just read the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it. Books
Joke Number. 1794
"I found thousands of letters in my postbox today. That's the last time I order a dictionary from
IKEA." Books
Joke Number. 1795
I love my collection of Sat-Nav's and map Books, I'd be lost without them. Books
Joke Number. 1796
"I'm reading a book on helium at the moment. I'm having trouble putting it down." Books
Joke Number. 1797
"I've nearly finished writing my book about finding the perfect way to stab someone. All it needs
is a surprise twist at the end." Books
Joke Number. 1798
When it comes to breakfast, 3 bowls of porridge is the bear minimum. Books
Joke Number. 1799
"I've just written a book about the inventions of Thomas Edison. It's for those who enjoy a bit of
light reading." Books
Joke Number. 1800
"Too make a long story short...I didn't finish 'Lord of the Rings'." Books
Joke Number. 1801
You can accidentally change the outcome of any night by not noticing that typing 'pints' into
dictionary text first comes up as 'shots'. Books
Joke Number. 1802
"I just bought a new book 'Ventriloquism for Dummies'." Books
Joke Number. 1803
"Dear Stephanie Meyer, Please do a tour of Britain, explaining to women how your Books are
FICTIONAL. You're ruining my mojo. Sincerely, Lonely Teen" Books
Joke Number. 1804
There is nothing like getting to the end of a good book and thinking, AH! There’s Wally! Books
Joke Number. 1805
I enjoy going up to any woman reading the 50 shades of grey Books and asking them if they
have got to the part where the man dies! Books
Joke Number. 1806
I read Great Expectations - it wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be. Books
Joke Number. 1807
"Later on today, I plan to set alight a manifest of unholy lies. Sworn before God, and in protest to
tyranny, I plan to rid the world of the filth, blasphemy and falsehoods that have marred my
happiness for close to a decade. The wife will be furious, it's our only copy of the wedding
photos." Books
Joke Number. 1808
"Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true love and to be very romantic. Sure, if you
consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders
romantic." Books
Joke Number. 1809
"The Guardian Online: “Child abuse reviews to be published” When I get my copy, I think I’ll
queue up for hours to get the author to sign it." Books
Joke Number. 1810
"I'm currently reading 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. Which freaked me out because I didn't think he
knew anything about my life." Books
Joke Number. 1811
"I bought a book to help me overcome my shyness and it really works. Now I can talk to people
while hiding behind it." Books
Joke Number. 1812
I've just started reading a book about Fort Knox but I just can't get into it. Books
Joke Number. 1813
"If an infinite amount of monkeys had an infinite amount of typewriters how long would it take
them to write the complete works of Shakespeare? ...I don’t know but I reckon in the first three
seconds they'd have written the autobiography of Katie Price." Books
Joke Number. 1814
"Tomorrow sees the release of the audiobook of 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. Read by Joe Pasquale."
Books
Joke Number. 1815
"New Oxford Dictionary entry reads: Clown's pie (n). A very, very wet minge. “Finding
ourselves alone in the shooting lodge at Balmorals, Her Majesty bade me descend to her lady
garden. After 50 years of widowhood, I found her to be considerably aroused. It was like being
hit in the face with a clown's pie”. (From” “The memoirs of Queen Victoria's Ghyllie” by John
Brown )" Books
Joke Number. 1816
"A man walks into a library and asks for a book on how to be a taxi driver. The librarian replies
“It's just around the corner.”" Books
Joke Number. 1817
"I've just finished writing a book called “How to delegate.” Well, actually my wife wrote it.
But it was me who told her to." Books
Joke Number. 1818
"I'm pretending to the wife that I'm interested in the book 50 shades of grey. That way, she wont
think I'm a pervert when the film comes out." Books
Joke Number. 1819
"I love that Sickipedia have finally released a joke book! Now I can add published writer to my
CV All I have to do now is avoid applying for jobs were the boss is either disabled or part of any
ethnic minority" Books
Joke Number. 1820
"Some pages from J.K. Rowling's new 'adult' novel have been leaked on the internet. Chapter 1.
Fifty Eight year old Harold Potter was out for a walk near his old school when, suddenly, he saw
an owl flying towards him....." Books
Joke Number. 1821
"Loving the new Dr. Seuss book. Horton Hires a Ho" Books
Joke Number. 1822
You know your career's going nowhere when your autobiography is being sold in Pound land.
Books
Joke Number. 1823
"For the past 10 years, I've been trying but failing miserably to write my autobiography. Story of
my life." Books
Joke Number. 1824
"My mate Colin is a typical example of someone who's read Proust. He hasn't read it." Books
Joke Number. 1825
"John Milton wrote the book: Paradise lost. Then his wife died... And he wrote the book:
Paradise regained." Books
Joke Number. 1826
"Everyone keeps recommending I read “50 Shades of Grey.” I keep telling them I'm not
interested, at least not until they release the picture version." Books
Joke Number. 1827
Adrian Mole's diary wasn't actually very secret, was it? Books
Joke Number. 1828
Gryffindor: I'm brave and loyal. Raven claw: I'm smArt and logical. Slytherin: I'm ambitious and
cunning. Hufflepuff: ...I like turtles. Books
Joke Number. 1829
50 shades of grey... Is that a book about the sky during a typical British summer? Books
Joke Number. 1830
"Just remember women; whilst Fifty Shades of Grey may bring you climax it won't cuddle with
you after. I mean, neither will me, just saying..." Books
Joke Number. 1831
Someday trans-gender Pinocchio, you'll be a real girl. Books
Joke Number. 1832
I am busy reading a new dictionary. To be fair, it's not much different to the first one I read.
Books
Joke Number. 1833
"I was in our local library earlier today, when a small, round root vegetable came in and asked
the librarian if she had a book about suicide. I though “That's a turnip for the Books”" Books
Joke Number. 1834
By now, I think nearly everyone in the world knows who Harry Potter is... Unless they're locked
in a cupboard under some stairs. Books
Joke Number. 1835
"Say what you like about my wife, but she certainly knows her place. Ever since I bought her
that new bookmark." Books
Joke Number. 1836
I just bought the book 'Learn How to Read' and am now realizing the potential problem... Books
Joke Number. 1837
"Ever wonder what your Dreams mean? It means Bookshops can make loads of money by
selling Books to gullible people." Books
Joke Number. 1838
"What would you call an instruction manual for ventriloquists? A: Dummies for Dummies."
Books
Joke Number. 1839
"JK Rowling today is going to tell her story of press intrusion, Slight change of direction from
the Harry Potter Books..." Books
Joke Number. 1840
"As the old man stood in front of him in his robes clutching his wand.... Harry Potter regretted
transferring to catholic school" Books
Joke Number. 1841
"Many people see Shakespeare as the greatest literary of all time. Not me though, his most
famous line “ To be or not to be, that is the question?” I think he was just trying to decide which
pencil to use." Books
Joke Number. 1842
"I bought a book on practical jokes from Water stones today. When I got it home and opened it,
all the pages were blank and fell out. Books
Joke Number. 1843
"My mom wouldn't let me read or watch Harry Potter when I was little because she thought I
would start acting like a Wizard. Stupid muggle has no idea what she's talking about." Books
Joke Number. 1844
"I got my wife one of those Books I know she'll read over and over again. ‘Coping with Memory
Loss'." Books
Joke Number. 1845
Apparently "50 shades of grey" is the first book in history where there is no need for its readers
to lick their fingers to turn the pages. Books
Joke Number. 1846
"I've just finished my book on evaluating literature. It was alright." Books
Joke Number. 1847
"I originally wrote my novel with a start, a middle and an ending. It got rejected fourteen times.
So I rewrote it, putting half the middle first, then the start, followed by the ending and finished
with the rest of the middle. It was the same story, just told unintelligibly. It's now been published
for a million pounds, gone straight to the top of the bestsellers, got nominated for three awards
and the films due out next year." Books
Joke Number. 1848
"Just read a book about youth in Asia. Made me want to kill myself." Books
Joke Number. 1849
"A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on band wagons. “Oh, everyone
seems to be borrowing that one”" Books
Joke Number. 1850
"My wife loves glossy magazines. So I bought her a Dulux catalogue." Books
Joke Number. 1851
It's going to be really difficult to hold the Eurovision song contest next year with all of those
dementors hanging around. Books
Joke Number. 1852
"Kate and Gerry are bringing out a new book on how to raise your kids, it’s got lots of tips on
how to control their behavior. Top Tip no 1! Sacrifice one child so that the others behave.
Top Tip no 2! Remind them if they tell anyone the next holidays booked." Books
Joke Number. 1853
I always take a Dan Brown novel with me when I go for a dump. Not to read; to wipe with.
Books
Joke Number. 1854
Man goes into library & asks if they have any Books on numbers. The librarian says, "One or
two" Books
Joke Number. 1855
She asked me to be the Romeo to her Juliet, so I put her in an Artificial coma and killed myself.
Books
Joke Number. 1856
"So, Sickipedia have released an American Version of their Sick Joke book. Considering the
amount of jokes directed at them, I wouldn't think that they'd raise funds for a new server. Then
again, what do I know, I’m American." Books
Joke Number. 1857
I just read a book about hoovers..... The end sucked Books
Joke Number. 1858
If you think the ‘amazon kindle' text to speech option is a joke.. Try downloading 'A Brief
History of Time'...... Books
Joke Number. 1859
Trolls really get my goat. Books
Joke Number. 1860
"I went to see Twilight: New Moon because it is meant to be a modern take on Romeo and Juliet.
I was so disappointed when Edward and Bella didn't kill themselves." Books
Joke Number. 1861
My favorite character in The Jungle Book is Kaa the python, but then Mr. Kipling did make
exceedingly good snakes. Books
Joke Number. 1862
"I read a book called “The Swimming Pool”. It started off shallow but had a very deep end to it."
Books
Joke Number. 1863
"Just finished writing my new book. It's about existentialist philosophy and authentic existence,
for five to nine year olds. It's a picture book called: 'Why is Wally'." Books
Joke Number. 1864
I was looking for a Where's Wally joke the other day but I couldn't find it. Books
Joke Number. 1865
It turns out, if you lay out every book in a Waterstones branch, you get thrown out by security.
Books
Joke Number. 1866
"50 shades of day. And that concludes the Scottish weather report for the next 1,000,000 years."
Books
Joke Number. 1867
“"Star banned from leaving OZ” So you could say it's like some sort of prison. Let the Old times
Roll." Books
Joke Number. 1868
"I've got a book coming out soon. I shouldn't have eaten it, really." Books
Joke Number. 1869
"50 shades of Grey. The contents of Elton John’s Wig Drawer." Books
Joke Number. 1870
"My wife came to me the other day after finishing 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and suggested we take
some inspiration from the book in our relationship. “Absolutely! I'd love to.” I replied excitedly,
relishing the opportunity. I’m not sure it was what she had in mind when I wrote all over her,
bound her and sold her on the high street to a mug for 7.99." Books
Joke Number. 1871
"I've been saying I will make a dictionary the same height as me by the end of the month. With
the deadline approaching my Family think I’m going to give up, but I’ll stand by my words."
Books
Joke Number. 1872
I bought a book on double entendres but it was so big and hard, the postman couldn't get it in my
box. Books
Joke Number. 1873
"I was reading a scary book today but it kept trying to get away from me. Spineless git. Books
Joke Number. 1874
"I've written a book on how to deal with rejection... Unfortunately I couldn't find anybody
willing to publish it, so tonight I'm going to kill all of my Family and friends and then jump in
front of a train." Books
Joke Number. 1875
Spending years studying a book, looking over again and again the vast complex lines and
constantly looking for the messages and meanings, getting to know and love the characters and
locations presented to you. Only to discover he's behind the elephant. Books
Joke Number. 1876
"A man goes up to Quasimodo from 'The Hunchback of Notre-Dame'. He says, “Hey Quasi,
what's that lump in your pocket?” He replies, “It's a photo of our kid...”" Books
Joke Number. 1877
"I've just finished reading the autobiography of the world's most modest man. He wasn't in it
much." Books
Joke Number. 1878
"In his book, Tony Blair says he would make love to his wife up to 5 times a night. And there
was me thinking the decision to go into Iraq was a difficult one" Books
Joke Number. 1879
"I have finally worked out the reason that Fifty Shades of Grey had to be split into 3 Books. It's
because otherwise it would be too big and too heavy to read with one hand." Books
Joke Number. 1880
"So David Beckham's biography is set to be a 'picture book'. Surprise surprise..." Books
Joke Number. 1881
"I bought a book called 'Mathematics for dummies'. All the answers were wrong." Books
Joke Number. 1882
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. Books
Joke Number. 1883
I have started a pressure group to get ambiguous words removed from the dictionary. We meet
biweekly Books
Joke Number. 1884
"My wife criticizes everything I do, so I bought the book to kill a mockingbird. Few tips on
racism but nothing on how to dispose of a spouse." Books
Joke Number. 1885
"A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide. Unfortunately the library was all out,
so the librarian just offered him Twilight." Books
Joke Number. 1886
"It once took me three days to read a book. And three cops to remove me from the library."
Books
Joke Number. 1887
"Kim Jong-Il, Bin Laden and Gaddafi all in the one year? 2011 is clearly being written by
George R.R. MArtin." Books
Joke Number. 1888
"I'm being a thoughtful husband and buying my wife the audio version of fifty shades of grey,
that'll mean she has both hands free to pleasure herself. By finishing the ironing." Books
Joke Number. 1889
"A black man, a ginger, and a suicide bomber walk into a library, and the librarian says “Is this
some sort of sick joke?”" Books
Joke Number. 1890
Stieg Larsson, the author of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is dead so, tragically, we will never
know whether the tattoo was of Duncan, James, Deborah, Peter or Theo. Books
Joke Number. 1891
"I wrote the book on learning to read. We sold twelve copies." Books
Joke Number. 1892
A man goes into the library and asks for a book on flogging a dead horse... Books
Joke Number. 1893
"Addicted to my 'How to love a sick dog' book I can't put it down." Books
Joke Number. 1894
"I've just been reading a book that conclusively proves that future comes before past. It's called
The Oxford English dictionary." Books
Joke Number. 1895
"1895 AD - H. G. Wells publishes the book 'The time Machine'. 1896 AD - H.G. Wells writes
the book 'The time Machine'." Books
Joke Number. 1896
Just been reading a book which, apparently, is all the rage, about a girl who cheats in her A level
exams to achieve higher marks. Boring! Can't see what all the fuss is about 'Shifty Grades of
Faye'! Books
Joke Number. 1897
"I wrote a book on coffee. Without it I would never have met the deadline." Books
Joke Number. 1898
"That Jeffrey Archer looks like he's got a temper on him. I'd hate to be in his bad Books." Books
Joke Number. 1899
I’ve just finished reading a book about a well-loved but ill dog, it was really hard to put it down
Books
Joke Number. 1900
"Can anybody think of a different word for thesaurus? Hang on, let me just check my onomastic
on." Books
Joke Number. 1901
"Guinness world records. Proof that before something amazing, there must first be alcohol."
Books
Joke Number. 1902
"If I was an author I'd write Books for kids. Smaller audience." Books
Joke Number. 1903
"The last Harry Potter film was so predictable. I could read it like a book!" Books
Joke Number. 1904
Mr. Samuel Johnston had just published the first proper English dictionary. A grand lady
congratulated him for not including curse words. "Ah,” replied Johnston, "You have been
looking for them, I presume." Books
Joke Number. 1905
Ever notice how Voldemort has a diary, necklace, ring, tiara and an obsession with a famous
teenage boy? No one but me finds this awkward, apparently. Books
Joke Number. 1906
"I've just started reading a book called “Jokes for Dummies.” Chapter 1: Learning
ventriloquism." Books
Joke Number. 1907
"I got angry when my girlfriend wouldn't tell me about the book she was reading. I beat 50
shades of grey out of her." Books
Joke Number. 1908
"I joined my mates in the pub to find them going on about elves, wizards and hobbits. I have no
idea what they're Tolkien about." Books
Joke Number. 1909
Just finished reading the girl who kicked the hornets’ nest, it wasn't that good but the part were
she got stung to death was hilarious. Books
Joke Number. 1910
"I spent a few hours in The Red Room of Pain last week, queuing in the Post Office for my road
tax." Books
Joke Number. 1911
A friend told me "50 Shades of Grey is a great way to silence your wife". So i bought a copy and
beat her to death with it............. Books
Joke Number. 1912
"A Man walks into a library and asks for a book on Bandwagon's He jumped on it" Books
Joke Number. 1913
Before I go to sleep I always do some light reading. It's a lot easier than dark reading. Books
Joke Number. 1914
"My girlfriend has left me because I spend all my time reading eBooks. I don’t want to lose my
relationship so I am hoping to re-kindle it." Books
Joke Number. 1915
"I'm really not looking forward to having to tell my friend that he's not been chosen to play the
prince in my upcoming production of Snow White. He's going to be Grumpy." Books
Joke Number. 1916
"I'm currently reading a book about a bird watching club that's used as a cover by a group of
swingers. It's full of trysts and terns." Books
Joke Number. 1917
"I've just seen a bloke spray painting a blond haired male reporter and a little white dog on the
front of his car. I think he was Tin-Tin his windows." Books
Joke Number. 1918
J.K. Rowling’s new novel is said to be the best fiction writing since George Osborne’s Budget
Books
Joke Number. 1919
"The double standards of book censorship amazes me. Basically the same book has been banned
and then released again. 'Madeleine: The Book' hits shelves this week but yet 'If I Did It' by OJ
Simpson gets banned on its first release. Hypocrites." Books
Joke Number. 1920
"Feeling depressed? Life not going how you wanted it to and its noticeable by the tone in your
voice? Why not make a living narrating audioBooks." Books
Joke Number. 1921
Quick money making: Sell dictionaries to the Yanks, but call them "crossword answers". Books
Joke Number. 1922
"I just sold my old Snow White book for 15 quid. That really is a fair retail story!" Books
Joke Number. 1923
"I took a friend to the book store with me today. I wanted a book on self-confidence and my luck
was in, he managed to get one for me." Books
Joke Number. 1924
"I was fired from my job as a proof reader. They gave me the McCanns book, I couldn't find
any." Books
Joke Number. 1925
Shakespeare is credited with the invention of hundreds of new words, which just goes to show
that monkeys make terrible proofreaders. Books
Joke Number. 1926
Anyone else see the flaw in "Sickipedia book American Version now available" ... Books
Joke Number. 1927
"I went out and bought a book today and flicked to the back page. So to all you dirty little
women reading that dirty little book out there. She kills him at the end." Books
Joke Number. 1928
"Susan Boyle has released her new autobiographical erotic book, so far it’s been critically
panned for obvious reasons. It's called “50 shaves a day”" Books
Joke Number. 1929
Just finished 50 shades of pink. Its a true story about a man, his washing machine and an elusive
red sock. Books
Joke Number. 1930
"My friend asked me, “Why is there a book in your fridge?” I said, “It's chilling.”" Books
Joke Number. 1931
"I heard someone say “You can't be a true Harry Potter fan, unless you've read the Books.”
Here's an idea: why don't we start calling the people who read the Books 'Pure-bloods' and the
people who only saw the films 'mud-bloods'." Books
Joke Number. 1932
"Which John Milton novel is about why he can't play Monopoly anymore? Pair o' dice lost"
Books
Joke Number. 1933
So they're making a 50 Shades of Grey Movie? I'd hate to be the guy mopping the cinema floor
after that shows. Books
Joke Number. 1934
A recent survey of women who read 50 Shades of Gray. Most read it with their fingers Books
Joke Number. 1935
"I got fed up with all this unwritten rules nonsense. So I published a book. It's called Rules."
Books
Joke Number. 1936
"I’m writing a book on Indian curries. Its naan-fiction." Books
Joke Number. 1937
Voldemort is like a teenage girl. He has a diary, a tiara, a special cup, a pet he adores, and an
obsession with a famous teenage boy. Books
Joke Number. 1938
I'm still awaiting the arrival of my new book from EBay, 'How to Avoid Internet Scams'. Books
Joke Number. 1939
"My wife's been saying she'd love to meet a real-life Mr. Grey. Stupid cow should've paid more
attention when we watched Reservoir Dogs." Books
Joke Number. 1940
"I've just read the Civil Service Staff handbook. It's called “50 Grades of pay”" Books
Joke Number. 1941
Twining’s have recently developed a new erotic breakfast tea, Fifty Shades of Earl Grey. Books
Joke Number. 1942
I hope Mr. Grey gets aids Books
Joke Number. 1943
"Most '50 Shades of Grey' jokes on record. I blame a wet July." Books
Joke Number. 1944
"What does Stephen Hawking have in common with Books? They both look worse with broken
spines." Books
Joke Number. 1945
"I'm about to release my new book on joblessness soon. Still needs work though." Books
Joke Number. 1946
Going to have to keep a very close eye on my tatty old dog with the missus, After all he is 50
shades of grey. Books
Joke Number. 1947
"The Black Guy to English dictionary Joke Number. 1; “Awwwww sheit!” - Oh dear, there appears to be
something wrong" Books
Joke Number. 1948
"David Kelly walks in to a Library. “Do you have a textbook on suicides” “Sorry” says the
Librarian, “a bloke from MI6 just borrowed it”" Books
Joke Number. 1949
"While Stephen King suffered from writer's block he inadvertently wrote The Shining. I hope my
tale of child mo----ation achieves similar success." Books
Joke Number. 1950
"My wife has been moaning and complaining a lot recently so I thought I’d buy that new book
“50 shades of grey” as a surprise. You should have seen the look on her face when i smacked her
round the head with it." Books
Joke Number. 1951
"'50 Shades of Grey' is about a guy who gets a young girl to sign her whole life over to him? So a
bit like Josef Fritz with a contract!" Books
Joke Number. 1952
"Suarez and Evra. Still a better love story than twilight." Books
Joke Number. 1953
"72 year old, Geoffrey Leonard EVERY PAEDOPHILE'S HERO! Order his “How to Books”
now!" Books
Joke Number. 1954
As the young officer studied the oak door, he was reminded of his girlfriend -- for she was also
slightly unhinged, occasionally sticky and responded well to being stripped and given a light
oiling Books
Joke Number. 1955
"I can't wait for Reading Waterstones is going to be wild!" Books
Joke Number. 1956
"Due to the popularity of “50 shades of grey”, a new underwear range will soon be in shops.
Think I will stick with my own brand though.... 50 shades of brown." Books
Joke Number. 1957
"They’re coming out with a 50 Shades Of Grey women's under wear line. That's nothing new my
boxers have been 50 shades for months now." Books
Joke Number. 1958
"My Girlfriend has moved onto the fourth book in the series. She’s now reading Fifty Shades of
Make Me a Sandwich." Books
Joke Number. 1959
My dog just sat on my keyboard and came out with the next twilight book. Books
Joke Number. 1960
"CALENDAR FACT: All the seasons are named after coils of metal. Except winter and summer.
And Autumn." Calendar
Joke Number. 1961
People are going on about how the date 10/10/10 only comes once in 100 years.... umm doesn't
the date 9/10/10 or 11/10/10 also only come once every 100 years? Calendar
Joke Number. 1962
"I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off." Calendar
Joke Number. 1963
"Fact of Life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F" calendar
Joke Number. 1964
March 4th... I like today's date because it sounds like I'm telling people what to do. Calendar
Joke Number. 1965
"They say that the world will be over in 2012 because that's when the Mayan calendar ends. My
calendar ends this December, should I be worried?" calendar
Joke Number. 1966
"The government say I can't get my pension yet, as I am only 22. I hate being born on a leap
year... All my friends are 88." Calendar
Joke Number. 1967
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. Calendar
Joke Number. 1968
"Christmas is coming the goose is getting fat, please put a tenner in the old man's hat, If you
haven’t got a tenner, then a fiver will do, If you haven't got a fiver, Then feel free to come to
Britain and get everything paid for you." Calendar
Joke Number. 1969
"I've just bought a Monsters Inc. advent calendar. Every time you open a door it's a different
child's bedroom." Calendar
Joke Number. 1970
"I just saw a calendar for sale, “Michael Jackson 1958-2009”. I didn't buy it, I wanted a 2010
calendar." Calendar
Joke Number. 1971
Somebody snuck into my house today and put a moist cloth on my calendar, which has really put
a damper on my whole month. Calendar
Joke Number. 1972
"I just opened the door to the most beautiful angel that I have ever seen. She was dressed in silk
and she let me lick her all over. Shame it was the last door on my advent calendar." Calendar
Joke Number. 1973
"I really want to win a lifetime's supply of calendars. So I know when I'm going to die."
Calendar
Joke Number. 1974
I can't wait till march 4th, it's my favorite day because when people ask me what the date is it's
like I'm sending them into battle. Calendar
Joke Number. 1975
"I got the perfect calendar for 2010. A different girl posing in different positions each month.
Shame I don't support Liverpool." Calendar
Joke Number. 1976
I'll never buy one of those abhorrent word of the day calendars. Calendar
Joke Number. 1977
"First it was Black Friday, then came Kwanzaa and then Black History Month. If we're not
careful, they'll steal the entire calendar!" calendar
Joke Number. 1978
"1000 places to see before you die 2013 - daily picture calendar Now I'm no mathematician
but..." calendar
Joke Number. 1979
Why was I getting such angry looks at taking some pictures at Brittany Murphy’s wake? I think
this 2010 calendar is going to look her hottest yet. Calendar
Joke Number. 1980
"We've been given a 2011 calendar from the local takeaway. My girlfriend said “Quick give it
here, I want to see what day my birthday's on next year”. After she finished she asked “Do you
want to check what day yours is on?” “There's no need” I replied “my birthday is the 9th of June
every year”." Calendar
Joke Number. 1981
"I'm so awesome and I have lots of friends!! Just kidding, April Fools! Sigh..." calendar
Joke Number. 1982
"I asked Microsoft online help if the had a chocolate bar with Caramel, NougArt and Hazelnuts.
It replied “No Topics Found”" calendar
Joke Number. 1983
"Its Mayday today, apparently you are meant to rub your face in the morning dew. I only know a
Muslim, does that count?" calendar
Joke Number. 1984
"I made my own advent calendar this year with a picture of my wife behind every door. I slowly
open a door each morning just to remind her that there's nowhere to hide." Calendar
Joke Number. 1985
"Forgot about 10/10/10 10:10:10.. Well there's always next time." Calendar
Joke Number. 1986
"And don't get the Jim Morrison Advent Calendar either. The Doors keep breaking on through to
the other side." Calendar
Joke Number. 1987
"The Calendar: Only for the week minded" calendar
Joke Number. 1988
"Everyone likes white snow. People put up with brown snow. Everyone hates black snow.
There's even racism in snow form." Calendar
Joke Number. 1989
"Santa walked in on Mrs Claus having an affair. Hoe, hoe, hoe." Calendar
Joke Number. 1990
"Hollister Sale - Socks; Was: 9.99 Now: 9.98" calendar
Joke Number. 1991
"I was driving the other day, when I saw a milkmaid in the street So I decided to Flora."
Calendar
Joke Number. 1992
Every time I write the date today I'm scared I'll accidentally design a computer program.
Calendar
Joke Number. 1993
"The doctor has told my wife that we have a high probability of having a cancer baby. By my
reckoning it's only one in twelve." Calendar
Joke Number. 1994
"I got sacked from my job for complaining that all the calendars are a year behind for the third
year running. Apparently, I wasn't intelligent enough to work at the Calendar Recycling
Factory." Calendar
Joke Number. 1995
"My mate just spent an hour and a half sat in one spot desperately trying to put up a tent.
Camping noob." Camping
Joke Number. 1996
I think we should get some polar bears to help with the evictions at Dale Farm, I heard that
they're pretty good at clearing out campsites. Camping
Joke Number. 1997
"I promised my romantic girlfriend the other day that I would stay up with until we see the sun
rise in the British countryside A week later I'm starting to fall asleep." Camping
Joke Number. 1998
"After we all finished our main meal I asked the party if they'd like Baby Jellies. One young lady
laughed 'they're Jelly Babies!' Confusion was soon lifted when I brought out the dessert"
camping
Joke Number. 1999
"I despise bears so imagine my horror when out camping in the wilds, I ran into one. Knowing it
was me or him, I didn't give him time to think and blasted him three times in the head with my
hunting rifle. Even though I had escaped this time, my ordeal got a whole lot worse. Mrs. Grylls
reported me to the Police and I'm now facing a murder charge." Camping
Joke Number. 2000
"An atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon Forest suddenly finds himself surrounded by a group
of blood thirsty Cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, “Oh God,
I'm screwed this time!” Suddenly there is a ray of light from Heaven and a voice booms out,
“No, you are not screwed. All you have to do is pick up that rock at your feet and bash in the
head of the chief cannibal standing in front of you”. So the explorer picks up the rock and
proceeds to bash the chief unconscious. As he stands over the body, breathing heavily and
surrounded by hundreds of Cannibals with looks of shock and anger on their faces, God's voice
booms out again and says, “OK.....Now You're screwed”." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2001
Do Cannibals refer to homeless people as Free Range? Cannibals
Joke Number. 2002
"People make me sick. I guess I should stop eating them." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2003
"Two Cannibals come across a missionary in the jungle. After killing the man, they decide to
split the body evenly. “Look,” said one cannibal. “I'll start at the head, and you start at the feet,
and we'll meet in the middle.” So the two begin to devour the man's body. After a short while,
the cannibal at the head looks up and says, “How's it going down there?” “I'm having a ball!”
replied the other. “No!” shouted the first cannibal. “You're eating too fast!”" Cannibals
Joke Number. 2004
"Did you hear about the cannibal who only ate vegetables? He particularly like the ones with
Down's Syndrome" Cannibals
Joke Number. 2005
"My wife asked me if I thought we should have another baby. I said, “Slow down there love, the
legs are still in the freezer. Let us finish this one first.”" Cannibals
Joke Number. 2006
"One of the things I really miss about my wife is the smell of her cooking. I have to admit
though, she did taste rather nice along with the roast veg." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2007
I believe it's the child inside me which makes me a cannibal. Cannibals
Joke Number. 2008
"I turned up late to my cannibal convention they gave me the cold shoulder" Cannibals
Joke Number. 2009
"A cannibal returned from a holiday missing a leg. “What happened?” asked his friend. “It was
self-catering.” he replied." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2010
"I accidentally ran over a baby the other day. Which means legally, I can take it home for lunch."
Cannibals
Joke Number. 2011
Cannibalism means every fight is a food fight. Cannibals
Joke Number. 2012
"You are what you eat" should only apply to Cannibals. Cannibals
Joke Number. 2013
"Dilemma: An older mature woman or younger foxy girl? Clearly the latter. After all, Happy
Meals are cheaper than Chardonnay." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2014
Cannibalism. Putting the "EAT" in "DEATH". Cannibals
Joke Number. 2015
"Note to self when informing the relatives of a murder victim that the killer was also a cannibal!
Remember to tell them that we found remains, and not left overs." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2016
"What do you call a bee that eats other bees? Hannibal Nectar." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2017
"My friend and I met a girl in a club last night. We asked her if she was up for a spit roast. She
was very keen on the idea. Right up until we tried to stuff an apple in her mouth." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2018
Stephen Hawking - cannibal’s favorite meal on wheels. Cannibals
Joke Number. 2019
"I've just took the wife out for dinner. I'll have her later, she's got to defrost first." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2020
"I love working in the abortion clinic. I've not had to go out and buy food for 6 months now."
Cannibals
Joke Number. 2021
"Hear about the vegetarian cannibal? He only eats swedes" Cannibals
Joke Number. 2022
"Let's eat Grandpa! Let's eat, Grandpa! Commas, save lives." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2023
"Reuters: “British surgeons separate very rare conjoined twins”. I prefer mine well done."
Cannibals
Joke Number. 2024
If you ate yourself would you get fatter or just disappear? Cannibals
Joke Number. 2025
"When can Cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2026
"I've decided that I'm anti-abortion. They taste better alive." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2027
Cannibals - there's a good person in all of them. Cannibals
Joke Number. 2028
"I've just had a urine test. Someone just phoned me up and said “You in?”" Cannibals
Joke Number. 2029
USA and Britain have finally apologized for their part in the slave trade in the 18th and 19th
centuries, and so they should. But in the spirit of going forward, shouldn't certain African tribes
apologize for cooking vicars in enormous metal cauldrons and stealing their top hats? Cannibals
Joke Number. 2030
"My wife is always saying “Waste not, want not.” But then yesterday she said I was rude and
tacky when I asked for a doggie bag! Anyway it turns out they don't have them at the abortion
clinic." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2031
"My wife is busy cooking and I can't wait. I'd say another hour or so before she's tender. I'm
starving." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2032
"I attended a seminar at uni today when the tutor claimed he'd once eaten a man's liver with some
fava beans and a nice Chianti. Must've been a Hannibal Lecture." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2033
"I managed to convince my best mate to let me spit-roast his wife last night. Unfortunately she
was too much for us to eat in one sitting, but at least his Children will have something in their
pack lunch tomorrow." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2034
"I had a Chinese girl once. Half an hour later, I wanted another one. It's hard work sometimes,
being a cannibal." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2035
Cannibal: someone who really is fed up with people Cannibals
Joke Number. 2036
"Two Cannibals are talking. - I don't like my mother-in-law...- That's fine, mate, just eat the
chips then." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2037
"What's the Difference between an abortion and a McDonald's big breakfast? The scrambled
eggs from McDonald's are inedible." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2038
"My wife just got back from the butchers ....now which part should i eat first?" Cannibals
Joke Number. 2039
My girlfriend has always said to me you are what you eat. So today I killed Cheryl Cole tied my
girlfriend down to the bed and made her eat the corpse Cannibals
Joke Number. 2040
Is cease fire just the American word for reloading? Cannibals
Joke Number. 2041
"My girlfriend says she can always smell feet in my house. Which is fair enough as I have 3
Tesco bags full of em under my bed...." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2042
"I'm personally neither for nor against abortion. But if one ever got offered to me on a plate I
wouldn't turn it down." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2043
"I think I've had enough of my girlfriend. At least there is enough left for sandwiches tomorrow."
Cannibals
Joke Number. 2044
I bought a car off a cannibal earlier and got ripped off. Cost me an arm and a leg. Cannibals
Joke Number. 2045
"I don't understand why the Crossbow Cannibal left over so many body parts of his victims!
Maybe he'd bitten off more than he could chew!" Cannibals
Joke Number. 2046
As a cannibal, I often find the term 'baby food' very misleading. Cannibals
Joke Number. 2047
"As soon as I walked into the Cannibals’ dinner party, someone gave me handshake. It was
delicious." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2048
"What do Dyslexic Cannibals eat? Brians." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2049
Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal Cannibals
Joke Number. 2050
"I didn't know what to make of the salesman who called to my door earlier. So I went for an old
favorite. With fava beans and a nice Chianti." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2051
Do vegetarians count towards my 5 a day? Cannibals
Joke Number. 2052
"My girlfriend said that she wanted a fairytale relationship. So I ate her Grandmother." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2053
"A cannibal says to his mate, “That bloke I just ate keeps repeating on me.” “What was his
name?” His mate asks. “Dave.”" Cannibals
Joke Number. 2054
"I had some friends for dinner yesterday. We were snowed in and I had to eat something."
Cannibals
Joke Number. 2055
"I was always told to eat my vegetables. I still can't get my wife's screams out of my head as I
tucked into our paraplegic son, Johnny." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2056
"Two Cannibals are having dinner. “Your wife makes a great roast,” one of them says. “I know,'
the other replies, “but I sure am going to miss her.”" Cannibals
Joke Number. 2057
"I just got the new ginger version of Facebook today. It's exactly the same but it removes all the
friends’ options." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2058
"My wife’s been cooking for just over an hour now. It serves her right for marrying a cannibal."
Cannibals
Joke Number. 2059
"People in work think I'm weird because I told them that I think babies smell nice. I didn't even
get the chance to add “after 3 hours at 150 degrees.”" Cannibals
Joke Number. 2060
"I was sat with a tribe of Cannibals when the chief's daughter gave me the eye. I would have
preferred a leg." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2061
"BBC News: Officials seek ways to double the number of tigers in the world. Just cut them in
half." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2062
A word of Advice, never accept a cup of Joe from a cannibal Cannibals
Joke Number. 2063
"It was when I made sausages on my work experience that I vowed never again to work in a
cannibal's butchers shop. What a way to make ends meat." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2064
"My wife refuses to cook. I probably need to turn the oven up." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2065
If I ever met a cannibal, I'd give him a piece of my mind Cannibals
Joke Number. 2066
I just can't wait to see the look on the faces of the families when the rescue starts at the Chilean
mine and they realize that there's just one, very fat miner left down there. Cannibals
Joke Number. 2067
"My wife makes a nice sandwich. Next I think I'll eat the mother-in-law." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2068
I don't mind a Chinese, but I couldn't eat a full one though. Cannibals
Joke Number. 2069
"How do you make an abortion more interesting? Have it with chips!" Cannibals
Joke Number. 2070
"Did you hear about the Cannibals who decided to make a stew? They all had a hand in it."
Cannibals
Joke Number. 2071
"I find it hard to eat my five vegetables a day. Mongs are so hard to find these days." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2072
"Once, we got seriously lost on a holiday, and eventually even had to resort to cannibalism to
survive. It was tough, but our choices were either that or McDonalds." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2073
"Me and my mate spitroasted this brilliant girl the other day. She cooked well, and tasted
delicious." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2074
"I always give my dog leftover bones from my dinner for him to chew on. As well as being a
tasty snack, it also removes any last bit of DNA from the person they came from." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2075
"I've just opened a Cannibal themed restaurant. We would love to have you for dinner."
Cannibals
Joke Number. 2076
"I was sitting among a tribe of Cannibals when one handed me a plate full of human digits. It
was a finger buffet." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2077
Nothing beats the taste of freshly baked cakes in the oven Cannibals
Joke Number. 2078
"I just bought a Chinese recipe book for Cannibals. It's called, 'Dead Man Wokking'." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2079
"My Nan made a lovely dinner today with just cauliflower, peas and gravy. Not only healthy, but
she tasted delicious." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2080
"A man gets stranded on a mysterious island where he comes across a stranger. Slightly worried
he asks the stranger “are there any Cannibals on this island?” At which the stranger replies “no,
no, no don't worry there aren't any Cannibals here..... I ate the last one”" Cannibals
Joke Number. 2081
"Having the boss and his wife round for dinner I tried to make everything perfect. I set the table,
got out the best china and helped cook in the kitchen with the wife ... Despite the best wine, the
wife's meat being perfectly tender, lovely music, it soon became obvious when the police arrived
.... That they weren't into cannibalism." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2082
"What's the Difference between potatoes and people? I don't eat the eyes of a potato." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2083
"Scientists discovered two things today: A new diet-plan for Cannibals; And a cure for
Anorexia." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2084
"Just overheard my colleague say to another colleague “Sorry, I didn't mean to bite your head
off”. It's hardly something you do by accident, is it?" Cannibals
Joke Number. 2085
"What do Mexican Cannibals like to eat? Refried Beings." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2086
I wonder if Cannibals are advised to try and eat five swedes a day. Cannibals
Joke Number. 2087
"My wifes been cooking for over an hour and still isn't done. I need to take her out and check the
stove." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2088
At a Family Barbecue, I ended up falling out with everyone because not one of them even gave
my girlfriend a chance they just stared at her black skin, I had to eat most of her myself. Racists.
Cannibals
Joke Number. 2089
If the Crossbow Cannibal hadn't bolted his food there would have been fewer leftovers to attract
attention. Cannibals
Joke Number. 2090
Cannibals must love finger food. Cannibals
Joke Number. 2091
"They say you are what you eat, so how come I'm not a dead abandoned baby?" Cannibals
Joke Number. 2092
“"Don't put your elbows on the table, it's rude”, said one cannibal to the other." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2093
"Butchers pedigree chunks", Quality dog food coated in a thick gravy sauce with minerals &
herbs extracts.. "Made in china." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2094
"My wife makes the best Sunday dinner. Until the kids noticed her tattoo on the roast."
Cannibals
Joke Number. 2095
Baby food tastes nothing like baby... Cannibals
Joke Number. 2096
"Finally got the ex. out of my system. Suppose it’s back to buying meat from the butchers
again." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2097
"I find it surprising there's all this uproar about eating a couple of genetically mutilated cows and
how dangerous and morally wrong it is. Come on, even if I had to do most of the work, a night
with 2 slags from Norfolk can't be that bad?" Cannibals
Joke Number. 2098
"Right then, checklist for tonight. Cianti. Check. Fava beans. Check Great. Now all I have to do
is sit tight and wait for this census man." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2099
"My mates call me Pepperami. Not because I’ve got a fiery temper. It’s because I ate my kids."
Cannibals
Joke Number. 2100
"Dedication. Sacrifice. Guts. Glory. You need all these to be an Olympian... or a cannibal."
Cannibals
Joke Number. 2101
"I saw a Department of Health poster in the waiting room at the doctor's today. It showed two
sunburnt Children on a beach with the caption, “Kids Cook Quick”. Nonsense. In my experience
they take about 25 minutes per pound." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2102
"Stallone’s son is dead? It's a good job I'm a cannibal, Sage goes well with pork." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2103
"Our local Age Concern shop had its shutters down today. I wonder if they were busy making
Soy lent Green..." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2104
"A girl came up to me last night and said with a smile, “My mate wants a piece of you.” It wasn't
the best thing to hear at a cannibal party." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2105
"I'm cooking Christmas dinner with the wife this year. I know turkey is more traditional, but I'm
sure she'll taste alright." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2106
If you are a literal minded cannibal, self-catering vacations are a bad idea Cannibals
Joke Number. 2107
"I think that my daughter is becoming sick. She just doesn't seem to be settling well in my
stomach." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2108
A friend has just come off holiday but he's lost an arm. He said that he'll never be going Self
Catering ever again....... Cannibals
Joke Number. 2109
"You are what you eat. Be yourself." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2110
"I'm the only guy I know who prefers big fat girls. But then again, I'm also the only cannibal I
know." Cannibals
Joke Number. 2111
"Don't bother sending your Children's toys to Africa. Can you imagine how depressing it must be
for those kids to receive a Tamagotchi that's going to outlive them?" Charity
Joke Number. 2112
"What bounces and makes kids cry? My donation cheque to Children in Need." Charity
Joke Number. 2113
"I was approached by a member of Greenpeace in the street the other day and he told me that if I
don't donate 2 a month then people in Africa will die. I can’t believe Greenpeace employ such
violent people." Charity
Joke Number. 2114
Finally. A natural disaster in a country I don't have to give money to. Charity
Joke Number. 2115
If you're struggling to provide for your kids, just send them to Africa and donate 2 per month.
Charity
Joke Number. 2116
Want to be Invisible to other people? Just stand in the doorway of a supermarket holding a
Charity tin. Charity
Joke Number. 2117
"I think my mate is racist. I asked him to record Sport Relief last night and I told him not to
bother with any of the boring bits but just the funny stuff. I've just watched two hours of dying
Africans." Charity
Joke Number. 2118
"I was flagged down outside Greggs in the town centre today by a hippy chick with beads in her
hair, ripped jeans, open-toed sandals and a blue RSPCA polo shirt. She saw me from a good 50
yards away and started waving her clipboard and grinning inanely at me. I did the obligatory
look over my shoulder, look back at her, and point at myself whilst mouthing 'me?' routine,
sighed and headed towards her. She bounced into the air and landed her face not three inches
from mine, close enough to smell the quorn nuggets on her breath. “Hiya! Are you OK?! My
name's Casa...” I held up my finger to her face and gently touched it to her lips, dragging it
slowly from one side of her mouth to the other like a stoned metronome. Then without breaking
eye contact once, I leant in even closer to her face and said softly, “When I was nine, I beat a
puppy to death with a spade and threw it onto the roof of my neighbor’s conservatory.” Then I
walked away, but not before screaming “RARGHH!” at some nearby pigeons." Charity
Joke Number. 2119
"Despite the recession Comic Relief raised 57m. I'd love to see Lenny Henry's face when my
cheque for 55m bounces! Well worth the 40 quid charge." Charity
Joke Number. 2120
Don’t spend two quid to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean
it and put it on a hanger. Next morning, buy it back for seventy five pence. Charity
Joke Number. 2121
"Comic Relief-Do Something Funny for Money. I pushed a paki in front of a bus then nicked his
wallet." Charity
Joke Number. 2122
"Have you heard of the 'Computers for Africa' Charity supplying the poorest regions with
Computers and laptops to help with education? It must be nice for them to look forward to
getting a virus which isn't HIV." Charity
Joke Number. 2123
"Due to the recession, I suggest 'Comic Relief' be renamed 'Economic Relief'. Money raised
would go to people shafted by the government, instead of AIDS-ridden Africans, paraplegics and
spastics who clearly have nothing to live for anyway." Charity
Joke Number. 2124
"Please give generously to Comic Relief. Just 30 000 is enough to send a washed up, B-list
comedian and a film crew on an all-expenses paid holiday to Africa." Charity
Joke Number. 2125
"TV: So please, dig deep into your pockets and give generously... I would, but they're round my
ankles at the minute." Charity
Joke Number. 2126
For just 10 a month, you can reduce your annual salary by 120. Charity
Joke Number. 2127
"After watching Comic Relief and seeing all the poverty it's made me realize how lucky I am. I
got my 32 inch HD TV half price on the last day of the sale, it's like the flies are actually in the
room." Charity
Joke Number. 2128
"I'm all for blokes growing a moustache for Movember. But did my wife have to join in."
Charity
Joke Number. 2129
"I shaved my eyebrows off for Charity. Turns out they would have preferred money." Charity
Joke Number. 2130
With your help and continued support, from as little as 25 pounds a month, little orphan Mwogli
can have 600 minutes and unlimited texts. Charity
Joke Number. 2131
"How do you kill an African child? Cancel the direct debit." Charity
Joke Number. 2132
"I'm going to sit in a bath of baked beans on Red Nose Day. Not for money. Just a show of
contempt at the starving." Charity
Joke Number. 2133
"Tip for Charity collectors: Try standing outside Marks & Spencer and not Poundland." Charity
Joke Number. 2134
"I didn't give to Comic Relief this time. I've already donated over 600 quid to deprived inner
city ethnic minorities this year. None of it voluntarily." Charity
Joke Number. 2135
"Tired of busy city streets? Simply wear a bright jacket with a Charity name on the back and
watch people swerve you." Charity
Joke Number. 2136
"What smells of fish and sweat? Race for Life." Charity
Joke Number. 2137
"Lenny Henry: “I'm going to send these kids to a better place to stay.” Premier Inn?" Charity
Joke Number. 2138
Following recent events, Haringey council has confirmed reports that they will not be helping
Children In Need this year. Charity
Joke Number. 2139
"A quote from Sport Relief 2010: “Malaria is the biggest killer in Africa.” I think Robert
Mugabe will have a thing or two to say about that." Charity
Joke Number. 2140
"I took part in Comic Relief tonight. I got a hand job off a clown." Charity
Joke Number. 2141
With the credit crunch upon us, I would like to thank all the charities for understanding and
leaving us with free swing bin liners every week. Charity
Joke Number. 2142
"Last night, I Watched David Tennant crying, as he walked among the malaria patients. It really
made me think. Is there no end to this man's acting talents?" Charity
Joke Number. 2143
When it comes to Charity many people stop at nothing. Charity
Joke Number. 2144
"Joseph lives in one of the worst countries in the world. He cannot even afford an education. The
hated government has recently reached a power sharing deal. However, it is corrupt with power
and money and will not pay for an education. Only the very rich can afford to be educated. Just
9,000 will send Joseph to university for a year. Please, give whatever you can." Charity
Joke Number. 2145
"I had a water fight with a few locals to cool everybody down yesterday. My bosses at Oxfam
aid Relief said that water was for drinking and have pulled me out of Kenya." Charity
Joke Number. 2146
"I've just got a Charity appeal letter from the NSPCC. For 2.00 a week, I can help STOP Julie
doing things she doesn't understand. I've also got one from the Mong Society where for 2.00 a
week I can help Susie DO things she doesn't understand. Why don't they just swap homes?"
Charity
Joke Number. 2147
"Do Something Funny For Money! I dressed up as a priest and stood outside a primary school
with a camera..." Charity
Joke Number. 2148
"I was coming out of Marks and Spencers earlier when a woman walked up to me and waved a
Charity box right in my face. How rude! I waved a tenner in her face and walked off." Charity
Joke Number. 2149
"I just saw a Charity advert asking for money to help dig a well in Africa, I can't understand why
they can't already do it themselves? I saw 6 spades in the picture alone." Charity
Joke Number. 2150
Anybody else laugh on Children in need , When Cheryl Cole was pleading for money and was
talking about how many people run away each year and they showed a disabled child with no
feet ? Charity
Joke Number. 2151
"This woman knocked at the door this morning collecting for Charity. “It's for homeless dwarfs,”
she explained, rattling her bucket, “we're building them a shelter in the town”. So I gave her
some Lego." Charity
Joke Number. 2152
"My manager told me that it was “dress down day” today, in light of Comic Relief. So I pulled
Susan's dress down." Charity
Joke Number. 2153
"Say what you want about the Make a Wish foundation. But they know how to work to a
deadline." Charity
Joke Number. 2154
"In the battle for high street supremacy, asda and Tesco have bought a full row of shops between
them to turn into supermarkets leaving a tiny gap between them only big enough for a Charity
shop. Still, I suppose there`s room for scope. Sub note: Americans please note that scope is a
shop where people take unwanted items for resale to help Charity. It is not a thing used for
looking at British soldiers with." Charity
Joke Number. 2155
I've been paying 2 a month to the Cats Protection League for over a year, I only missed 2
payments and they've just been round and broken my cat’s legs. Charity
Joke Number. 2156
"I just can't help but finance the local spastic’s society. It's fund-a-mental to me." Charity
Joke Number. 2157
"I work in an office with 14 women and I am the only guy Tomorrow they have asked me to
bake something for Comic Relief Rohypnol drizzle cakes! mmmmmmm...." Charity
Joke Number. 2158
You would have thought that after 28 years, some of these so called 'Children In Need' would
have grown up by now. Charity
Joke Number. 2159
Do something funny this red nose day? Then why'd they arrest me for raping a clown? Charity
Joke Number. 2160
"An actual message from my train yesterday. “Beggars are operating on this train, please do
NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered Charity, failing that, give it to me!”" Charity
Joke Number. 2161
"An advert told me that some Children have to walk in excess of 30 miles a day just to get clean
water. The man at the end of the advert said that I could sponsor a childlike Amita. So I did.
I'm giving her 30p a mile." Charity
Joke Number. 2162
Is it just me or are Children only in need once a year? Charity
Joke Number. 2163
"Comic relief contradicts itself. One minute they are telling us to do something funny for money,
the next, they are telling us to save black people." Charity
Joke Number. 2164
"I hate it when I'm watching TV and the program gets interrupted by 30 seconds of a program
being shown on another channel. For example, I was watching Comic Relief the other night, but
every so often a bit of Crime watch kept appearing." Charity
Joke Number. 2165
Just 2 more Red Nose Days and we will finally have enough to buy Africa. Charity
Joke Number. 2166
Is it just me, or do you think that some of the Comic Relief money sent to Africa, should be spent
on condoms and the morning after pill? Charity
Joke Number. 2167
You know you're going to be unemployed for life when you can't get a job as a volunteer at a
Charity Shop Charity
Joke Number. 2168
"Have you heard the latest Red Nose Day slogan? Do something funny for money I love Charity,
so i robbed a midget and pushed him down the stairs" Charity
Joke Number. 2169
Donate two pounds a month to the NSPCC or little Tommy won't be so lucky next time. I think
it's terrible how a Charity can resort to blackmail like that. Charity
Joke Number. 2170
"Apparently for just 187 per year I can help make sure that 11 year old Anita doesn't have to
walk 4 miles to get fresh water, cook, clean or look after her 5 younger brothers and I could give
her a chance to be a child. 187? That'll pay my water bill for a year. Unlucky Anita." Charity
Joke Number. 2171
"I've been doing a lot of overtime lately, earning plenty of extra cash, so last night, after seeing
an advert with those starving African Children with their bones sticking out & all the flies around
their eyes, I thought I'd do the right thing I sponsored a snow leopard" Charity
Joke Number. 2172
"I love having Sky+. It means I can simply fast forward through all the annoying Charity
appeals." Charity
Joke Number. 2173
I don't know why we should give money to Charity for Africans. They always seem to find
enough money to get their heads shaved. When was the last time you saw one with long hair?
Charity
Joke Number. 2174
"I was watching the T.V last night when an advert came on asking for a three pound donation for
African Children. I thought to myself, why they are asking for three pound a month when they
can obviously afford to have their teeth professionally whitened?" Charity
Joke Number. 2175
"My little boy asked me last night if Pudsey Bear was a pirate. Why? I asked. He said; well he
has a patch over his eye and takes everyone’s money." Charity
Joke Number. 2176
Red Nose Day - A time to give your missus that one free punch without being questioned.
Charity
Joke Number. 2177
"This year's Comic Relief raised the most money in its history. I didn't see Dawn French, so
maybe they saved quite a bit on the backstage catering." Charity
Joke Number. 2178
Today I got stopped by 3 different Charity collectors in the street. By the time I got to the 3rd
one, I said to them, 'do you people think I'm MADE of excuses?' Charity
Joke Number. 2179
"My mate was raising money for Charity and told me he'd entered me in the 1500m. I nearly ran
a mile." Charity
Joke Number. 2180
"I've been watching some of the Comic Relief tonight and it really me thinking... Does anyone
else find the appeal videos funnier than the sketches?" Charity
Joke Number. 2181
If we donate this money, we're not going to get these vuvuzelas again, are we? Charity
Joke Number. 2182
"I was watching comic relief last night and they said “no one in Africa has a decent job” but
surely if a child dies every 15 seconds, undertakers must be rolling in it?" Charity
Joke Number. 2183
"I don't know if I’ll be tuning into comic relief tonight. I watched it last year and thought those
comedy sketches of Africa were a little in bad taste." Charity
Joke Number. 2184
"I saw a Charity appeal on tv asking you to send 2 a month to build wells in Africa. One chap in
the video had a 5 year old Chelsea shirt on. Glory hunter." Charity
Joke Number. 2185
"Just to let you know, if anyone knocks on your door collecting money for Dr. Barnado's it's a
scam. He died in 1905." Charity
Joke Number. 2186
I donated to Charity yesterday...seems they prefer money to sperm though. Charity
Joke Number. 2187
"Cats and dogs will happily drink dirty water out of a puddle. Yet when Africans do it, I have to
donate 2 a month." Charity
Joke Number. 2188
Lenny Henry started Comic Relief to help all those starving kids in Africa. Hey Lenny, here's a
suggestion to gather more food for those kids. Stop feeding your fat wife! Charity
Joke Number. 2189
Isn't it ironic that UNICEF have a dinner to raise money for starving Children? Charity
Joke Number. 2190
"How has Walkers raised 1million pound for comic relief? By half filling their bags of crisps."
Charity
Joke Number. 2191
I refuse to donate to animal charities when I've seen their adverts on TV. If they can't turn a
talking dog into a money making machine then they don't deserve my help. Charity
Joke Number. 2192
People say the West is decadent but Comic Relief showed us different. 100 can buy someone a
basic shelter, so the 58million Comic Relief raised will buy some African warlord a huge palace!
Charity
Joke Number. 2193
I want to bring awareness to the fact that disadvantaged Children from all over the country are
being exploited on camera as part of a large-scale moneymaking scheme. Ringleader "Pudsey
Bear" is still at large. Charity
Joke Number. 2194
"Watching Children In Need has made me feel really proud of my contribution. Without me they
wouldn't have had half of those stories about abused kids." Charity
Joke Number. 2195
After years of thinking it wasn't anything I should be concerned about, I have finally given in to
my conscience and decided to sponsor a needy child in the Third World. She is eleven years old,
white and lives in Bradford. Charity
Joke Number. 2196
Wonder if Madonna has placed her order yet on Children in need Charity
Joke Number. 2197
"An African child dies from starvation every three seconds. On the plus side, that's less money I
need to give to Children In Need next year." Charity
Joke Number. 2198
Some people in Africa walk eight miles every day, just to get away from Lenny Henry. Charity
Joke Number. 2199
"Children in need. The time of year UK houseflies get to see all their African relatives on tv."
Charity
Joke Number. 2200
Wow Lenny, I haven’t seen a black man look so good next to Cotton since my great
grandfather’s plantation. Charity
Joke Number. 2201
"I had to keep restarting my TV during comic relief. Every time they showed a film my TV went
black!" Charity
Joke Number. 2202
I for one am impressed with Jade Goody. In her suffering she has still found time to shave her
head for Comic Relief. Charity
Joke Number. 2203
"Watching comic relief, there's some depressing stuff on here that truly brings a tear to my eye.
Little Britain and Catherine Tate in the same sketch...." Charity
Joke Number. 2204
You know you have a cruel streak when you put a pair of ladies trousers into a Charity collection
bag destined for the Sudan. Charity
Joke Number. 2205
"If there are Children in need they should send them to my place. I've got a large donation I need
to make." Charity
Joke Number. 2206
I'm watching 'Children in Need' and I'm wondering where all the British Children are. All I can
see is Pakis and Blacks. That lot are just Children in need of a good Tsunami. Charity
Joke Number. 2207
"comic relief making famine even more funny" Charity
Joke Number. 2208
"Just done my Charity work for the year! Took a ginger out on a date" Charity
Joke Number. 2209
"Hugh Jackman is supporting a poverty campaign, encouraging the western world to try and live
on just a pound a day. He looked really cool in his black limousine and Hugo Boss suit." Charity
Joke Number. 2210
"I recently discovered that UNICEF don't have a sense of humor. Apparently it's not funny
asking the wee kids with the big bellies: “When's it due?”" Charity
Joke Number. 2211
"I was just watching Sports Relief on BBC1, and i couldn't help but feel sorry for all the black,
uneducated, AIDs ridden people that aren't able look after themselves without our help. Poor JLS
and Lenny Henry." Charity
Joke Number. 2212
"Personally, I think people should go that extra mile for Charity. So while I was in Africa, I
helped dig a well an extra mile away from the village." Charity
Joke Number. 2213
"Just seen that advert about deaf and blind Children. Just 3 a month can bring a blind and deaf
child into the world. But it took me 10 worth of bricks, a body bag and a lake to take mine out of
this world." Charity
Joke Number. 2214
"I've just seen Susan Boyle singing on “Sport Relief”. Singing isn't very sporty is it? Surely more
people would pay up to see her try the Hurdles or something?" Charity
Joke Number. 2215
Whoever came up with the Charity "Computers for Africa" clearly misunderstood the meaning
of an Apple a day. Charity
Joke Number. 2216
"I phoned the BBC and asked if Pudsey Bear could give me a donation, I said, “My legs are
totally useless, I find it difficult to string a coherent sentence together and find it really hard to
keep my food and drink down!” They said, “To qualify for a grant we need to know how the
money will be used?” I said “It's for the taxi home ... ... I spent all my money on Stella!”"
Charity
Joke Number. 2217
"Manchester United have donated two replica Child Size football Shirts to be auctioned on
Children in Need. Ian Huntley has bid 2 ounces of snout and a phone card." Charity
Joke Number. 2218
"I just saw this awful video on Children in need. It read: “Kirsty is 4 years old from Hull, she
regularly gets beaten by her father and is a punch bag for her drunk, drug addicted mother. So
give us just 3 pounds to make a Difference in Kirsty's life.” I can't believe they would do that to a
little girl, bringing her up in Hull." Charity
Joke Number. 2219
"Seeing as its Comic Relief tonight, I thought I’d do something for money. I'm going to work."
Charity
Joke Number. 2220
"It's good to see that on the day of the Community Shield, Manchester City are doing their bit for
Charity and donating to the poor. Twenty million pounds to Everton for Jack Rodwell." Charity
Joke Number. 2221
"Phoned up Children in need and said I will give 50 quid for the little starving black kid who was
an orphan. Apparently it is not an auction." Charity
Joke Number. 2222
"Whilst watching Crime watch earlier, I thought “This is more upbeat that usual” Then I realized
that JLS were on Children in Need." Charity
Joke Number. 2223
"I have decided to do my bit for Comic Relief this year and so far have raised over 200!
However, is it wrong that I'm doing it by taking bets on how long Jade has left?" Charity
Joke Number. 2224
"I bungee jumped for Children In Need this year and gave them a cheque for TWO THOUSAND
POUNDS! It bounced." Charity
Joke Number. 2225
"As I sit here eating pringles, watching Concern ads on YouTube. I can’t help but think, what do
i want for Christmas?" Charity
Joke Number. 2226
Just been arrested for masturbating on my local football ground, that's the last time I attempt
Sport Relief. Charity
Joke Number. 2227
"As I was beating up my 12 year old son when my wife walked in and screamed, “ What you
doing? Stop it!” I said, “ I gave him 10 the other day and he totally misspent it.” She said,” He
didn't. He gave 5 to Water Aid and the rest to a Malaria Charity.” I said,” Exactly. Drink and
drugs!.”" Charity
Joke Number. 2228
"Why has a separate Charity been made for Haiti? What happened to the save the apes trust?"
Charity
Joke Number. 2229
"Children in Need. I am in need of some Children myself. Maybe we can come to some sort of
agreement?" Charity
Joke Number. 2230
"God must see my fat wife as a Charity. He seems to be giving her body 2 pounds a month."
Charity
Joke Number. 2231
"I think it's so great how easy it is to help charities these days. Apparently, all I have to do is
thumbs up this picture." Charity
Joke Number. 2232
"A Charity bag for 'Kidney Research' just came through my door, Instead of doing the usual and
donating old clothes I decided to save them a lot of time and money and left them a little note
instead... The kidneys are located behind the abdominal cavity in the retro peritoneum, The
kidneys are paired organs with several functions. They are seen in many types of Animals,
including vertebrates and some invertebrates. They are an essential part of the urinary system."
Charity
Joke Number. 2233
I wonder if we'll see Xfactor reject Gamu Nhengu on tonight’s Comic Relief.. Charity
Joke Number. 2234
"I stand for Children. Well, part of me, anyway." Charity
Joke Number. 2235
"If I had a pound for every time i heard the number on Children in need I would probably make a
donation" Charity
Joke Number. 2236
"Terry, I watched those spastic girls drooling on Children In Need earlier and I raised 6 inches."
Charity
Joke Number. 2237
"BBC1 should explain the concept behind Sport Relief a bit better next time. I don't think their
executives can even begin to imagine how hard it has been trying to crack one out over Gary
Lineker and Alan Hansen." Charity
Joke Number. 2238
"I love Children in need, I only watch the really hilarious bits though, I turn it off when the
comedians come on." Charity
Joke Number. 2239
After 8 pints of lager, I rang the hotline for Children in Need, and told the lady to get her
calculator out, while I pledged a seven figure sum; 5,318,008. She thanked me for being so
generous but asked why such an unusual figure. I told her to turn the calculator upside down and
consider her own unusual figure. Charity
Joke Number. 2240
"Last week, Comic Relief asked me to do 'something funny for money.' I went one better,
however. I did nothing - for free." Charity
Joke Number. 2241
"Thought I'd give donating sperm ago the other day. It turns out Oxfam arent as grateful for your
help as they like to make out." Charity
Joke Number. 2242
"The BBC are going to have a new fund raising event next year for people who have lost limbs.
It's called “hand relief”." Charity
Joke Number. 2243
"Our son asked what we'd like as a Silver Wedding present, so I told him to surprise us, but
hinted at a stay in one of those hotels that Lenny Henry goes to on the telly. So here we are in
Ethiopia in a hut built entirely from cow dung." Charity
Joke Number. 2244
Isn't it a bit ironic how they're trying to get us to slob around in front of the TV to watch sport
relief? Charity
Joke Number. 2245
"If there's one thing Comic Relief has taught me tonight. I need to get out more." Charity
Joke Number. 2246
“"SSPCA attack RSPCA over funds” I guess that it's dog-eat-dog in the animal Charity world"
Charity
Joke Number. 2247
I'm sick of watching films of ill Africans followed by the money rising. Can we see a body
count? Charity
Joke Number. 2248
"Just bought a bottle of water and there was an interesting Charity message on the side; “One
billion people in the world don't have access to clean drinking water. You can change this. One
person, one day at a time.” I don't know about you guys, but I haven't got a billion days to
spare..." Charity
Joke Number. 2249
"Children In Need Babestation for Pedophiles" Charity
Joke Number. 2250
"I just had a leaflet posted through my door inviting me to what sounds like a very prestigious
annual fashion event. Third World Clothing Collection is on Tuesday." Charity
Joke Number. 2251
I try to donate to Charity, but they keep bringing my kids back. Charity
Joke Number. 2252
Haha, one of my colleagues has just come to work dressed as a woman for Children In Need.
Congratulations, that was a very brave thing to do, Karen. Charity
Joke Number. 2253
"Tonight on BBC Children In Need - 'Peter Andre delivers a tribute to Michael Jackson'
Hopefully in person" Charity
Joke Number. 2254
Children in need... A polite way of being asked "give me your money" by black kids Charity
Joke Number. 2255
If Children In Need really did make a Difference then I doubt we would need to keep having it
every year. Charity
Joke Number. 2256
Stood outside Tesco with sign saying 'Help for Heroes'; in 15 minutes I had enough money for a
box of them and some Quality Street. Charity
Joke Number. 2257
"Yesterday, I was kicked out of Oxfam for puffing Marlboros. It appears there's not much
demand for second-hand smoke. Charity
Joke Number. 2258
“"From just 2 a month you can help change someone's life.” Well, it worked for Joe
McElderry...." Charity
Joke Number. 2259
"Children in need: two of the ten beds are empty because they can’t afford to keep them open. So
what did you do with the 39 million raised last year?" Charity
Joke Number. 2260
My parents died tragically when doing a Charity bungee jump, raising money for orphans.
Charity
Joke Number. 2261
Is Comic Relief what Dawn French used to give to Lenny Henry? Charity
Joke Number. 2262
19 to help an old person at Christmas! I could save a snow leopard for 3!!!! Charity
Joke Number. 2263
"I feel quite sorry for all the British athletes who went to Africa to make films for Sport Relief. It
must be really depressing for them to realize that even starving AIDS victims with no shoes are
better at running than them." Charity
Joke Number. 2264
"I've decided to “Do Something Funny for Money” I pushed a Spastic over and knicked his
pocket money. I haven't laughed so much in ages." Charity
Joke Number. 2265
I can't give away my old clothes to the poor. They have enough to put up with without the add
humiliation of wearing last season clothes. Charity
Joke Number. 2266
"Whenever Charity collectors knock on my door I just can't say no... That's why I slam the door
in their face." Charity
Joke Number. 2267
I'm sorry, but if JLS and Lemar are too selfish to send money home, I don't see why I should feel
guilty. Charity
Joke Number. 2268
"I was stopped in the street today by a Charity worker who said, “In the spirit of 'Mo-vember'
will you grow a 'mo' to raise some much needed funds and awareness for men's health?” I
replied, “In the spirit of 'November', no.”" Charity
Joke Number. 2269
"For me, every day is Red Nose Day. Because I'm an alcoholic." Charity
Joke Number. 2270
Why was Miranda HArt on Comic Relief? The unfunny bits are supposed to have African
Children in them. Charity
Joke Number. 2271
"I'm off out after in my pajamas with a bucket going shop to shop, trying to raise some money
for Children in need. My two want an Xbox 360 and a Nintendo 3DS this year." Charity
Joke Number. 2272
Due to mankind's abuse of the environment, the whale has now become an endangered species.
However, YOU can help. For just 2 a month, you can a adopt a whale and ensure they don't die
out. To donate and help save the whales just ring me and ask for my wife. Charity
Joke Number. 2273
"Top Tip for anyone annoyed with the quality of their Refuse Collection Services. There is a new
one in my area. They place white bin bags through your front door; you fill them with household
waste, leave them outside your house and they collect them. The only downside is that they insist
on putting disgusting pictures of kids with cancer on the side of the binbags." Charity
Joke Number. 2274
"This year I’m going to take a leaf out of Harringey council’s book I won’t be helping Children
In Need" Charity
Joke Number. 2275
"A Charity worker stopped me as I came out of Tesco today. She said, “Would you like to make
a donation for Orphaned Children?” I said, “Yeah, why not. I've got a spare few quid in my
jeans.” She said, “Thanks, your money will make a great Difference in Africa.” I said, “My jeans
are in the car, wait there, I'll just go and get them.”" Charity
Joke Number. 2276
"So I hear Jessie J will be performing for Children In Need this year with her hit Price tag. Well
if it’s not about the money they won’t mind me not donating this year then." Charity
Joke Number. 2277
"I had a cancer scare yesterday. A woman with a collection tin came towards me, fortunately I
managed to cross the road before she got to me." Charity
Joke Number. 2278
It’s not wife beating, it's just constructive criticism. Charity
Joke Number. 2279
Every day is Red Nose Day with alcoholism. Charity
Joke Number. 2280
"I am ashamed to say that whilst watching Comic Relief last night, I found myself compelled to
switch channels every time the side splitting humor was interrupted by the desperate black man
trying to eke out a meagre existence. Lenny Henry, give it a rest next year." Charity
Joke Number. 2281
"My job at the BBC is inviting guests onto our shows I sent an E-Mail to my “Celeb” group
“Children In Need, are you available?” Instantly Gary Glitter replied “I’d love to come on
Children In Need again”" Charity
Joke Number. 2282
"A friend of mine just updated her Facebook status to read: “Comic relief is starting, I should go
get some tissues” “I already have mine” I commented back. She replied with “I didn't know this
kind of thing upset you so much” “It doesn't”" Charity
Joke Number. 2283
"Just saw that NSPCC advert, the one where it shows a young black kid looking threw a bin bag
for food. Poor thing.....Must be a terrible life, yano, not being smArt enough to look in the
fridge." Charity
Joke Number. 2284
"BBC Children In Need - “There are disabled Children in every corner of the country needing
your help!” Just because they are disabled don't mean you should put them in a corner! That’s
not right!" Charity
Joke Number. 2285
"It's good of Sky to support comic relief. They keep putting a little red nose in the corner of the
screen." Charity
Joke Number. 2286
Is it just me that thinks asking Children to 'do something funny for money' is immensely
inappropriate? Charity
Joke Number. 2287
"One of those clips of ill African Children just came on Coming Relief. My wife thought i was
being all sensitive when I reached for a box of tissues. Well she couldn't of been more wrong."
Charity
Joke Number. 2288
Watching sport relief and I see there is a lot about Adrian Chiles Shaving off his beard. In my
opinion this isn't that big a deal, I mean it’s not like he has much of one anyway. What I'd really
like to see would be a Muslim shaving off his beard. Now that would actually be worth
something. Charity
Joke Number. 2289
I went to the comic relief last night, and after realizing this was a once in a life time opportunity I
reached over, put my hands down and stroked the red carpet a couple of times. I don't think Ann
Robinson was too pleased though. Charity
Joke Number. 2290
"I noticed a Charity box at work the other day with packets of sweets in. It was in aid for the
Great Ormond St. Hospital Trust, and I also noticed the message “Please consider the Children
this Christmas” was written on it. So I nicked a couple of packets for the kids at home." Charity
Joke Number. 2291
"What's red and not worth paying for? A plastic nose." Charity
Joke Number. 2292
Am I the only one who thinks it's a bit suspicious that if you send money via post to Children In
Need, it needs to be sent to Liverpool? Charity
Joke Number. 2293
Save on the cost of a Comic Relief red nose by using the same one from last year. Charity
Joke Number. 2294
"It's amazing how many new words you learn every day. I heard one today. Chuggers: Charitymuggers.
The people in the street who try and steal your credit card details on behalf of disabled
kids in Africa. Well I made up a word of my own today. Chunts." Charity
Joke Number. 2295
"I sponsored a little blind kid today. I tattooed “Fly Emirates” on his chest." Charity
Joke Number. 2296
I'm devastated. I've just found out that some of the money that I donated in 1984-85 for insurgent
groups to buy weapons was redirected to buy food and medicines for victims of the Ethiopian
famine. Charity
Joke Number. 2297
"Comic Relief Does Glee Club" - With a machete I hope. Charity
Joke Number. 2298
"They've got Comic Relief on in the pub. I said to the landlord, “Hey mate, If I wanted to see
some sad Charity cases I would go home to the wife and kids.”" Charity
Joke Number. 2299
"A black guy just said to me, “Who is that on your comic relief t/shirt?” “Don't you know,” I
replied. “Shakespeare?” ......Quickest black eye I ever got." Charity
Joke Number. 2300
"My wife was disappointed when she saw my efforts for Comic Relief, Masturbating over
Hentai." Charity
Joke Number. 2301
"Charity is like Incest. It begins at home." Charity
Joke Number. 2302
"I've got a new job working as one of those Charity muggers who stops unsuspecting people in
the street. The man at the NSPCC told me they weren't recruiting, but I kept him talking and
eventually he realized it would be easier to just sign me up so he could get on with his day."
Charity
Joke Number. 2303
Apparently just two pounds a week will help support Nagic and his little brother. Why can't
Christian Aid run the CSA? Charity
Joke Number. 2304
Wow, Sport Relief? That's nothing, Basheed has to walk 12 miles a day to fetch water for his
Family... Charity
Joke Number. 2305
Adrian chiles getting his beard shaved for sport relief id of rather given a fiver to see Christine’s
beard shaved off!!!! Charity
Joke Number. 2306
Just 3 pounds a month will help provide training for the England team. Please. Charity
Joke Number. 2307
"Charity mugger: How about ten pounds a month for cancer? Me: Tell you what love, for fifty,
I'll give you gonorrhea" Charity
Joke Number. 2308
"Children In Need gets me every year. When I see those poor, penniless black kids, I understand
why they went out looting in Totten ham." Charity
Joke Number. 2309
I think scientists have become obsolete. Nowadays you can fight cancer by just growing a
moustache. Charity
Joke Number. 2310
Charity: Where we give them aid, and they give us aids. Charity
Joke Number. 2311
"Comic Relief raised a record 74m last night, with the projected total at 100 by the end of the
weekend. In other news, planning permission has just been granted for two 6,000 acre solid
platinum palaces in Libya and Zimbabwe." Charity
Joke Number. 2312
"A friend of mine hopes to raise over 1,000,000 for Charity this year. He is going to sit on top of
a bonfire, whilst it is on fire. What a guy." Charity
Joke Number. 2313
"Watching Comic relief last night, Surely I wasn't the only Bloke watching Susan Boyle and
Peter Kay's alter ego Geraldine, and thinking that Peter Kay was the Attractive one!!" Charity
Joke Number. 2314
"3 quid a month buys helium balloons to lift starving Africans kids up and away. I can then use
the anti-aircraft gun I bought with the overseas aid." Charity
Joke Number. 2315
"Today's the 150th anniversary of our local RNLI. This calls for a big celebration. I think we
might be pushing the boat out tonight." Charity
Joke Number. 2316
Just done my bit for Children in need, I loosened the cuffs on Maddie. Charity
Joke Number. 2317
"Just been watching Comic Relief and I found the footage of the impoverished and uneducated
blacks really harrowing Why does the BBC continue to use Lenny Henry & Reggie Yates?"
Charity
Joke Number. 2318
Gordon Brown's acting is as useless as his left eye Charity
Joke Number. 2319
"My wife just had a call from a Charity asking her to donate some of her clothes to some of the
starving people in the world. She asked “How will giving somebody clothes stop them being
hungry?” Apparently they're short of tents as well." Charity
Joke Number. 2320
"Co-op fair trade chocolate is made up of 93% Fairtrade ingredients. Do they make their profit
from ripping off the other 7%?" Charity
Joke Number. 2321
"I love Children in need. ...What Charity appeal?" Charity
Joke Number. 2322
Watching those poor, mal-nourished African kids hasn’t half made me hungry!! Charity
Joke Number. 2323
"My Mrs. was sat watching Comic Relief when she shouts at me to pledge.... One thing letting
her out the kitchen to watch TV but asking me to clean" Charity
Joke Number. 2324
"The benefits of Red Nose Day are already showing, 20,000 Ghanaians were seen on a trip to
Wembley." Charity
Joke Number. 2325
"There are so many more Charity adverts on around Christmas. Basically, Children in Africa are
starving. Any money we can send they use to build wells and teach the people hygiene and
farming techniques. It's amazing really how little it actually takes... To make me change the
channel." Charity
Joke Number. 2326
"Children in need: more than a million Children in the U.K have a learning difficulty. But they
don’t want your sympathy. Just your money then" Charity
Joke Number. 2327
"The tagline to the Charity Save the Children is “No child born to die.” Well, technically..."
Charity
Joke Number. 2328
"I found a poo stain in my boxers tonight. It's fairly standard when you buy underwear from a
Charity shop." Charity
Joke Number. 2329
"One of the things I love about this time of year is how those kind charities give out free bin bags
through the letterbox. Thanks to Sue Ryder, British Heart Foundation and Children's Leukemia
Research for getting into the Christmas spirit. I have saved a fortune!" Charity
Joke Number. 2330
If you've never sent a pair of your dirty panties to a soldier, then freedom obviously means
nothing to you. Charity
Joke Number. 2331
"Susan Boyle and Peter Kay in the same room at the same time? I suspect editing." Charity
Joke Number. 2332
"A Charity worker stopped me in the street and said that some 8 year old gets paid 10 a month to
make my shoes. Couldn’t help but think those kids have some skills.....I couldn't even spell my
name at 8 years old." Charity
Joke Number. 2333
"I always do a spot of fund raising during the week. I call it work." Charity
Joke Number. 2334
"I've been sponsoring a child in Africa for about 8 months now and I’m starting to get really
annoyed. I mean, in all the photos I’ve been sent of little Keto, I haven't once seen my name on
the front of his shirt." Charity
Joke Number. 2335
When I watch Comic Relief I always imagine I am bipolar. I sit all night watching celebrities
making a fool of themselves and then a starving African baby comes on and always cheers me
up. Charity
Joke Number. 2336
Nice to see nicklas bendtner making an appearance on comic relief. Charity
Joke Number. 2337
I think I'm being scammed. I give five pounds a month to a Charity. They're committed to
beating heart disease. All the diseases I can think of make it stop. Charity
Joke Number. 2338
"I phoned up the Samaritans today because I was feeling really depressed having been told I
have a heart defect. They entered me into next year’s Marathon." Charity
Joke Number. 2339
"I'm doing my bit for Children in Need. So far I've collected 100 and I'm keeping it. Well, I was
a child once and I need the money." Charity
Joke Number. 2340
"I was about to donate some money to help feed starving African Children, but decided I wanted
another bag of maltesers instead. I love my life." Charity
Joke Number. 2341
"My wife just posted on Facebook “The Pride of Britain Awards are on TV tonight, better get the
tissues ready” I’m sure I’m not the only one who thought.......what time's Hannah Montana on
then?" Charity
Joke Number. 2342
After all the running around to collect the ten thousand pound that I raised for Children In Need
for walking a whole fifty miles, I decided that I needed a car, lucky really. Charity
Joke Number. 2343
"I must have seen hundreds of Asians and blacks driving taxis this weekend in London which
made me think... It’s nice to see Comic Relief is still working" Charity
Joke Number. 2344
I hate the fact that they punctuate the comedy with serious unfunny sketches during Red Nose
Day. My sides were splitting as I watched lots of black babies dying of Malaria when they
spoiled it by sticking Michael McIntyre on. Charity
Joke Number. 2345
Just watching the footage of poor starving African kids on TV....makes you wonder how they
manage to afford a fresh buzz cut but can’t afford to buy their lunch... Charity
Joke Number. 2346
“"Well, I'm not so sure...” I hesitantly admitted. “Please, think of the Children otherwise doomed
to grow up in poverty!” he pleaded. Dad narrowly managed to convince me to get an abortion."
Charity
Joke Number. 2347
It think it’s a nice added touch how the BBC and Oxfam take starving Children, then make them
drink from filthy water and stand still with flies on their face just for an advert. Charity
Joke Number. 2348
“"If we don't receive 30million in donations over the phone by 2am then kids all over the world
will suffer.” No, not Children in Need, I've rounded up a few friends over the internet and we've
begun taking hostages." Charity
Joke Number. 2349
Comic Relief; because seeing people less fortunate than us is funny. Charity
Joke Number. 2350
"My wife is sat on the sofa downstairs with a box of Kleenex, sobbing her heart out watching
Comic Relief. I'm led on the bed with a box of Kleenex for an entirely different reason. I'm also
watching Comic Relief." Charity
Joke Number. 2351
Berbatov donated 1 pound for every yard he's covered this season. Comic Relief were very
thankful for the 3 pound donation. Charity
Joke Number. 2352
"It's 1.20am in the morning and I've been watching BBC's Comic Relief for over six hours. All
these people donating hundreds of pounds of their own money and I must admit that I feel
disgusted in myself. I should have gone to bed about 10pm, as I'm in work for 6am." Charity
Joke Number. 2353
"Coming home from the pub, I noticed this poster in the window of the Oxfam shop : “ Think of
starving Children in Africa “ So , after mulling it over , I broke in and robbed the place" Charity
Joke Number. 2354
"Mohammed's Family can't afford a new cooker. So the government gave them a new 7 bedroom
house, fully furbished and funded by the taxpayer. To Donate to Immigrants in Need, call 03457
33 22 33." Charity
Joke Number. 2355
After the success of the "Help our heroes" Charity campaign, I would like to ask for donations
of kids underwear, Books, toys even sweets for my "Help our paedos" campaign. Charity
Joke Number. 2356
Ahh comic relief, the only day where i can laugh at minority races and not get called racist.
Charity
Joke Number. 2357
Every time I click my fingers...my PA brings me and cappuccino. Charity
Joke Number. 2358
"I knocked one of those Charity collectors out in town today because she wouldn't stop bothering
me. I couldn't care less about victims of domestic violence!" Charity
Joke Number. 2359
"Whilst watching the pictures of the starving African kids on Sport Relief the other night, I was
choked. No not emotionally, I was halfway through the contents of a KFC bargain bucket, when
a chicken bone got stuck." Charity
Joke Number. 2360
"Watching Lenny Henry on Comic Relief and I keep wondering. Did he pick Cotton?" Charity
Joke Number. 2361
"I love the skits they do on Comic Relief. My favorites are the ones with the Africans." Charity
Joke Number. 2362
November - the month of the year when a load of desperate attention seekers grow a moustache
in the thinly veiled presence that they are doing it for Charity, when actually they think it will get
girls to talk to them. Charity
Joke Number. 2363
"My wife's upset that I give 10 quid a month to send orphans to school in Africa. “You promised
to take care of my sister's Children after she died!” she screamed." Charity
Joke Number. 2364
"I was in town earlier when a woman with a Charity tin came up to me and said “Care to help
Children with cancer?” As much as I'd love to, I don't really have the capital funding or the
Technology to accelerate malignant bone marrow cell growth. So I gave her a cigarette." Charity
Joke Number. 2365
I'm doing my bit for Children In Need, I'm feeding them through the cage tonight. Charity
Joke Number. 2366
"Surely I wasn't the only Bloke watching Susan Boyle and Peter Kay's alter ego Geraldine on
Comic Relief, and thinking that Peter Kay was the Attractive one!!" Charity
Joke Number. 2367
"The Beatles: “All You Need Is Love.” Someone let Comic Relief know." Charity
Joke Number. 2368
"I was walking past a beggar this morning when he said, “Excuse me mate,. I haven't eaten for 4
days.” So I said, “ Go on, and force yourself.”" Charity
Joke Number. 2369
Watching these starving Children on Comic Relief is making me hungry Charity
Joke Number. 2370
"These days I can't walk down the street without constantly being stopped and asked for my
autograph. It's not that I'm famous, I just can't seem to avoid the Save the Children chuggers."
Charity
Joke Number. 2371
Walking in London these days is like a mine field. I mean I went out down Oxford street and by
the time I got home I had sponsored 3 Africans , 2 Asians and been given enough leaflets to start
my own recycling plant. Charity
Joke Number. 2372
"All this talk about “Children in need” and not one mention of poor Madeline McCann. She must
have ran out of condoms by now." Charity
Joke Number. 2373
Charity muggers, the words now been shortened to "Chuggers", well, I've got a word for em...
CHUNTS! Charity
Joke Number. 2374
Is it me, or are these malaria nets getting more expensive.... Charity
Joke Number. 2375
I've not been able to insult my wife since starting my new job with the Charity "The Dogs Trust"
as we never put a dog down! Charity
Joke Number. 2376
"I and my son were stopped in the high street today by a woman and man from cancer research
asking for donations. “I don't have much money,” I said. “Just give what you can go without,”
they replied. “Okay then,” I said, “son, meet your new parents.”" Charity
Joke Number. 2377
"I don't see why I should have to sit through depressing films about starving Children in Africa,
just because it's Sport Relief. I'm the one paying, surely they should be forced to watch films
about how great my life is?" Charity
Joke Number. 2378
"A woman knocked at my door today asking if I'd be willing to give just 2 pounds to a 6 year old
African orphan. I said I'm no ogre love, if he works hard enough he can have a fiver." Charity
Joke Number. 2379
I just donated 2,000 pounds to Sport Relief, no not because I'm a nice person, I just want to pay
for the guns they will use to kill each other with Charity
Joke Number. 2380
"Wanted to do something for Comic Relief this year as I have never donated before, so i decided
to donate a tenner for every goal Torres scored for Chelsea between him signing for them and
today. Oh well, maybe next time" Charity
Joke Number. 2381
All of these Kenyans are so poverty-stricken...yet they still have a team in the Cricket World
Cup? Charity
Joke Number. 2382
"I’m supporting race for life this year. By standing at the starting line with a machine gun"
Charity
Joke Number. 2383
"I see David Beckham is among the celebrities promoting the latest 'Books for Kids' campaign.
It's brilliant. I swapped all my John Grisham novels for a cute 10 year old girl." Charity
Joke Number. 2384
If Denis the Menace tosses me off, is that Comic Relief? Charity
Joke Number. 2385
All these kids in Africa, no money for food but they must have lots of money for beer, they all
have beer belly’s Charity
Joke Number. 2386
"Comic Relief.... There’s going to be some sticky marvel comics tonight!" Charity
Joke Number. 2387
I just sent all of my Spiderman and Batman magazines to Africa. Think I got the wrong idea
about comic relief. Charity
Joke Number. 2388
My mate told me he has a shed full of geese. I asked him for a gander... Charity
Joke Number. 2389
"What's a bear's favorite Charity event? The 40 Hour Salmon" Charity
Joke Number. 2390
People give chuggers a hard time, but the job is not easy. I have enormous sympathy for them,
so, every so often, I make eye contact. Charity
Joke Number. 2391
"I walked out of Tesco and a guy collecting money said, “Would you like to help feed the hungry
today?” I said, “Yes. That's why I just went shopping.”" Charity
Joke Number. 2392
"I've just done my bit for water aids “Big dig” appeal. I punched my wife in the face." Charity
Joke Number. 2393
For sport relief every footballer has donated a week’s wages, so we decided to buy Africa.
Charity
Joke Number. 2394
"I had one of those plastic bin liners posted through my door today asking for unwanted clothes
for Charity. It's great for storing all those bin liners for unwanted clothes for Charity." Charity
Joke Number. 2395
"I've just seen 4 poor black kids who look like they need a real good feeding, like the ones on the
advert for Children in Need, Poor kids... Oh wait, its JLS." Charity
Joke Number. 2396
All comic relief has gone on about so far is cateracts, it’s not like they’ve got tellys or fit women
to look at. Charity
Joke Number. 2397
"I love a bit of comic relief, me. But then, I have got a clown fetish." Charity
Joke Number. 2398
"So, Comic Relief have raised over 20m yet again. Surely this year they'll spend some of it on fly
spray for those poor Ethiopians!" Charity
Joke Number. 2399
"I'm going out to spend the day having my photo taken kissing and hugging all the Children I can
find without any fear of being arrested. I love my Pudsey Bear costume." Charity
Joke Number. 2400
"I tried to help out my favorite Charity by donating 30 bags for life. Apparently make-a-wish
foundation deem this as highly inappropriate." Charity
Joke Number. 2401
"I saw a soldier, with an arm missing, collecting for the “Help The Hero's” Charity today. I just
stood in front of him and applauded loudly, not because he's brave or that he is collecting for a
good cause, just to make him jealous." Charity
Joke Number. 2402
"I saw a Charity Collector in town today with a hunched back. Her coat had “Aspinall
Foundation” on it. Seemed quite appropriate, really." Charity
Joke Number. 2403
"I do a lot of stuff for Charity but I don't like to talk about it. It's much easier to boast by
blogging, tweeting and Face booking about it." Charity
Joke Number. 2404
When my wife asked me to sponsor her in aid of breast cancer for sport relief, I ran a mile.
Charity
Joke Number. 2405
Comic Relief - Even all the way from Africa they find a way to mug you. Charity
Joke Number. 2406
"The wife was having a go at me. “Life's just one big joke to you, isn't it.” “I don't know what
you mean. Sit down, luv, and let's talk about it.” That's when I pulled her chair away." Childish
Joke Number. 2407
"I was having a row with my girlfriend last night and she accused me of being Childish. What
does she know? She's just a stinky poo face." Childish
Joke Number. 2408
"The iPhone is useless to an immature person like myself. I type “5318008” into the calculator
and turn it upside down, but the screen rights itself." Childish
Joke Number. 2409
"My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up... So guess who is not allowed in my
tree-house now!" Childish
Joke Number. 2410
"Got arrested at Heathrow last week. Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call
“shotgun” before boarding a plane." Childish
Joke Number. 2411
"My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly. “Which one?” I replied, “James Junior, or
the girl one?”" Childish
Joke Number. 2412
"Today, my girlfriend and I were having a serious conversation about our relationship, during
which I took the time to make a napkin monster and attack her with it. I think it went really
well." Childish
Joke Number. 2413
"My Girlfriend: I can’t do this anymore you're too Childish. I think I need a break. Me: Have a
kit-kat?" Childish
Joke Number. 2414
"I was telling some sheep jokes the other day. But none of them laughed and one just ran away
going “baa.”" Childish
Joke Number. 2415
"How many immature teenagers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Your mum." Childish
Joke Number. 2416
"I decided it was time to tell my 8 year old son he's adopted. The wife didn't approve, but I can't
resist a good prank." Childish
Joke Number. 2417
"My girlfriend told me that I sometimes treat her like a child. I didn't know how to react......so I
gave her a sticker for standing up for herself." Childish
Joke Number. 2418
"I and my mate double teamed my daughter last night. She ran away crying saying it was the
most unfair wrestling match ever." Childish
Joke Number. 2419
As a keen environmentalist, I, like most people, only wash my hands when there's someone else
in the bathroom at the same time. Childish
Joke Number. 2420
And there we were, 2 against 2000... boy did we slaughter those 2. Childish
Joke Number. 2421
"Mum: What are you gonna gift grandma for her birthday? Boy: Football Mum: But your
grandma doesn't play football! Boy: On my birthday she gave me Books." Childish
Joke Number. 2422
"I got a detention at school today after responding to the teacher with “that's what she said”. She
then proceeded to tell me to think long and hard about what I do in life. I now have another
detention." Childish
Joke Number. 2423
"I have fancied this girl at work for some time but never really spoke to her too much, finally I
plucked up the courage to ask her out for a drink and she said to me “I like a gentleman with a
sophisticated sense of humor, I have a boyfriend already and he is much wittier than you could
ever be” I was angry and thought carefully for a moment before my response...... “Well your
boyfriend is a big smelly poo poo head”" Childish
Joke Number. 2424
"I texted my wife today saying “I love u”. She replied “Oh, really? :)" And I said “Yes, it's my
favorite vowel”." Childish
Joke Number. 2425
"To stop her four-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it'll make her fat.
“I won't do it any more, Mummy,” says the daughter. Next day they are out walking when they
meet a very fat man. “If I bite my fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mummy?” “You'll be
fatter than that,” says her mother. They get on a bus and, sitting opposite them, is a very pregnant
lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's belly. The pregnant lady feels
increasingly uncomfortable under this stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl.
“Excuse me, but do you know me?” And the little girl says, “No, but I know what you've been
doing!”" Childish
Joke Number. 2426
Police have arrested The Big Bad Wolf and charged him with the attempted murder of three of
their most junior officers. Childish
Joke Number. 2427
"My mate called me Childish the other day, so to prove him wrong I made him eat his own
words, By spelling them out in alphabetic spaghetti" Childish
Joke Number. 2428
"I like to stand near ATMs. When somebody types in their pin number I shout, “Got it!” and then
I run away." Childish
Joke Number. 2429
"After watching the news coverage from the murder scene of Ashleigh Hall, it`s no wonder the
guy who killed her got caught so quickly! I mean, why hide the body in a tent?" Childish
Joke Number. 2430
I was holding on to our new born baby a little too much recently. My missus told me to put him
down. I think saying "you're small, ugly and smell" wasn't quite what she meant. Childish
Joke Number. 2431
"Finally. . . I've been staring at those After Eights all day." Childish
Joke Number. 2432
If they ever do manage to find Wally, will he be shot in the head and buried at sea as well?
Childish
Joke Number. 2433
"My girlfriend told me she gives up and can't see me anymore. I rule at Hide & Seek." Childish
Joke Number. 2434
"How do you make a girl cry? Tell them they came second in Britain's Got Talent" Childish
Joke Number. 2435
"We used to run around in the neighborhood playing games like 'War.' I'm not proud of that. We
lost some good kids." Childish
Joke Number. 2436
Telling a woman you work in IT Support can be such a turn off. And then a turn on again.
Childish
Joke Number. 2437
I bought a pair of tortoise skin shoes, it took me 3 hours to walk out the shop. Childish
Joke Number. 2438
"There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up
and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties. The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20
and says, “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk
around without any panties on.” The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks
her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl
explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her
room, and whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the
church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest
then notices the lady and calls her down. The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting
anything, walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest hands the lady $1 and says... “Lady,
take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!”" Childish
Joke Number. 2439
I have always wanted to be a comedian.............but I’m scared of being laughed at. Childish
Joke Number. 2440
"I brought my kids some crayons yesterday... It was a present to make my kin scrawl." Childish
Joke Number. 2441
"The Head Teacher of my local school asked me to perform a magic trick for the kids in
wheelchairs the other day. So I climbed a ladder." Childish
Joke Number. 2442
"What's grey, got 4 legs and a trunk? A mouse going on holiday." Childish
Joke Number. 2443
"Last week in the UK a five year old child was shot dead with an air rifle. Have you ever heard
of a more appropriate time for the phrase “I told you it would end in tears.”?" Childish
Joke Number. 2444
"A dad sees his son looking bored one day and says to him, “Why don't you go over the road and
see how Old Mrs. Brady is?”. After only a few minutes the son comes back and says to his dad,
“Mrs. Brady's very cross dad, she says it's none of your business how old she is.”." Childish
Joke Number. 2445
"This is a true story which happened on the M1 a short while ago: A police officer had found a
perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists and one day, the officer was amazed
when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem. Ten year
old Dennis Porter was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said
“Radar Trap Ahead.” A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice,
another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading “Tips” and a bucket at his
feet, full of change." Childish
Joke Number. 2446
"I don't think it's fair for my wife to call me immature. Fair enough, I did purposely buy the same
telly as my neighbors so I could stand outside their house and change their channels with my
remote, but who doesn't?" Childish
Joke Number. 2447
Got young Children? When the wife takes them to a supermarket, tell them that no matter how
fast they run at it, automatic doors will always open in time... Childish
Joke Number. 2448
"I don't like cheesy jokes... They aren't mature enough." Childish
Joke Number. 2449
"Knock Knock Come in.... Well this is awkward" Childish
Joke Number. 2450
"My mom told me it's about high time I grew up and become independent I nearly choked on her
breast milk!" Childish
Joke Number. 2451
"Lonely man has car for sale. Low Mileage. Drives lovely. Time wasters welcome." Childish
Joke Number. 2452
"My wife said to me, “I'm sick of you being very immature. Any more of it and I'm leaving you.”
I said, “I'm sorry.” She said, “Well at least you apologized.” I said, “No, I just farted, hehe.”"
Childish
Joke Number. 2453
"If you ever want a bit of a laugh then tell a bunch of builders that there is a group of students
going around dressed as coppers and winding everybody up. Then ring the police and tell them
there are a group of students dressed up as builders vandalizing your street. Sit back and enjoy."
Childish
Joke Number. 2454
"Boss: “I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but I'm going to have to let you go, your immaturity in the
workplace has gone too far, and quite frankly you're just plain obnoxious and Childish” Me: “I
know you are but what am I?”" Childish
Joke Number. 2455
"My Girlfriend left me, claiming that I was just too Childish. So I flicked a bogey at her"
Childish
Joke Number. 2456
"Humpty dumpty sat on the wall Humpty dumpty had a great fall all the kings horses and all the
kings men couldn’t put humpty together again. It's a pity they let the horses try first, resulting in
the further smashing of the intact pieces the army could have put together with some superglue."
Childish
Joke Number. 2457
"My wife left me last night for using too many abbreviations I was like wtf?" Childish
Joke Number. 2458
"The government's committee for dealing with emergency events is called “COBRA”. With a
name like that, I bet they meet up in a tree house, have a 'No girls allowed' rule, and give each
other codenames like “Nighthawk” and “Big Dog”." Childish
Joke Number. 2459
"Tried to impress my wife this morning by putting all the plates in the dishwasher before she
came home. Apparently, we don't have a dishwasher. Another washing machine ruined..."
Childish
Joke Number. 2460
"Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you laugh for no reason, in which case you need
medicine." Childish
Joke Number. 2461
Sometimes I wish I had a lower IQ so I could understand what the wife is saying Childish
Joke Number. 2462
"My wife keeps telling me to grow up. Well this shall stop from tomorrow morning, when my
power ranger stilts arrive in the post." Childish
Joke Number. 2463
"My mate told me I was unoriginal, so is his mum!" Childish
Joke Number. 2464
"My friend told me i was Childish and immature the other day but then so is his mum!" Childish
Joke Number. 2465
Just had a 9 to 5 shift at child line it was the hardest 8 hours of my life. Childish
Joke Number. 2466
"I tagged my mate in a photo on Facebook. He reported me to our boss in ASDA and now I'm no
longer to be trusted with the price gun." Childish
Joke Number. 2467
"Are you smArter than a ten year old? Yes I know that if a stranger offers me some sweets, it
will probably end up with me getting fisted..." Childish
Joke Number. 2468
"I often have flings with birds, then end up smashing their back doors in and destroying them
outside in the woods. How I love playing Angry Birds on my phone." Childish
Joke Number. 2469
"My mate was named after his father. They called him “Dad”." Childish
Joke Number. 2470
"I told the wife I was going to a fancy dress party as one of the Seven Dwarfs. She said. “Don’t
be stupid.” Silly cow thinks that was one of them." Childish
Joke Number. 2471
My wife called me immature today. So I told her to look down her blouse and spell the word AT-
T-I-C out loud. Childish
Joke Number. 2472
"I was in Tesco yesterday and it was announced over the tannoy that a child was lost in the store
followed by a full description of what the child was wearing. Bit like 'Scramble' but for
Pedophiles!" Childish
Joke Number. 2473
"I'm the kind of guy who laughs in the face of adversity. Mostly other people's." Childish
Joke Number. 2474
"Even though I'm a monster, I find it hard to fall asleep. I always feel like there's something on
top of my bed." Childish
Joke Number. 2475
"How's the treatment for compulsive lying going? Brilliantly." Childish
Joke Number. 2476
"My friend recently sent me a 'chain letter' so I decided to show you all our email conversation -
“if u don’t send this chain 2 10 people in the next hour u will see a dead gurl in ur bedroom
tonight' “Oh great! She'll fit in nicely with the other two there!”" Childish
Joke Number. 2477
"I always have a bit of banter with the professor who lives next door, but this morning he turned
round and said that my ripostes, “reflect a personality that too readily regresses into inane
juvenile protestations.” I said, “No, that's you.”" Childish
Joke Number. 2478
You know you truly still are a child when you take an orange segment, put it in your mouth and
pretend you’re a boxer. Childish
Joke Number. 2479
How come Deaf people always find the time to play charades. Childish
Joke Number. 2480
"It's cute when your child comes home from nursery and tells you that she's got a new
boyfriend... ...this changes however, when you find out that he is older than you..." Childish
Joke Number. 2481
Apparently, I always put Childish phrases into sentences when they are not needed, well that's
what she said. Childish
Joke Number. 2482
Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road I'm going to leave and come back dressed as
Santa Clause with a sign that says, "Help, need ride." Childish
Joke Number. 2483
"I hate working in a posh school. Roll call is the worst. “Tarquin” “Sir” “Wilton” “Sir”
“Emency” “Sir” “Tarquin Wilton Emency Phillips Boucher! Please stop interrupting me!”"
Childish
Joke Number. 2484
“"I got ripped in 4 weeks” Oh and I see you got a face lift while you were at it." Childish
Joke Number. 2485
"As I stared through the bars of my cage, I was surprised to see the witch eating her own house
made of sweets. Then I realized that it must be that time of the month." Childish
Joke Number. 2486
"Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because it was chicken" Childish
Joke Number. 2487
"Everyone said me and the wife were way too young and immature to get married. Joke's on
them. We're expecting our third Tamagotchi in a week's time." Childish
Joke Number. 2488
"Critics said my career as a comedian was over. “That's just your opinion”, I quipped. They were
right." Childish
Joke Number. 2489
“"What is wet, slippery and smells?” “Son you think this kind of joke is appropriate at the dinner
table!?” “Well we are eating pickles.....”" Childish
Joke Number. 2490
"It's my girlfriend’s birthday in a couple of weeks, I really don't know what to get her. We've
been together for nearly 8 years. I just don't really know what 8 year olds like." Childish
Joke Number. 2491
"My wife said that I need to stop acting like a kid and be upfront with her more. I said, “I can't,
because the rear child safety locks are on!”" Childish
Joke Number. 2492
"Why couldn't the pirates play cards? The captain was standing on the deck" Childish
Joke Number. 2493
"If i was down that mine, in a big, dark cave, Hide & seek anyone?" Childish
Joke Number. 2494
"Justin Bieber's Hair cut: 45 Justin Biebe'rs Wardrobe: 150 Justin Bieber's talent: Worthless For
every 'Tard, there is a Master 'Tard." Childish
Joke Number. 2495
I just saw a bird versus squirrel fight. A car won. Childish
Joke Number. 2496
"People look at me strange when I buy tampons at the supermarket. “They're for the wife,” I say
patiently, as I pack them away. Then I readjust my DArth Vader helmet and walk out all
dignified like." Childish
Joke Number. 2497
"It really amuses me when people approach my car door and I pull away then stop halfway down
the street, and pull away again. I know it's Childish, but it gets rather boring being a taxi driver."
Childish
Joke Number. 2498
I must confess, I was born at a very early age. Childish
Joke Number. 2499
"BBC News - Donagh victims 'Forgotten about' Erm... Who?" Childish
Joke Number. 2500
"What do you get when you cross a cow with an Arab? Milk Sheikh" Childish
Joke Number. 2501
"I don't get all these 10 year olds being teased for not having a date. I mean, when I was their age
I was shunned for not knowing how to do an arm fart." Childish
Joke Number. 2502
"I was going to say that the Sooties had a clean Sweep. But I'm afraid they'll Sue." Childish
Joke Number. 2503
"As we drove past an elderly couple walking a Labrador earlier, my girlfriend said to me: “Isn't it
weird, ever since we have had a dog, I now always notice lots of dogs when we're out” I said, “I
know exactly what you mean, ever since I've had a girlfriend, I now notice lots of girls when
we're out!”" Childish
Joke Number. 2504
"After my dinner guests complaining my Stir Fry was a little salty, I went back to the kitchen to
see where I could have gone wrong. “ahhhh” I thought that's it as I read the recipe book, Step 4-
Toss in the pan. They should really be clearer." Childish
Joke Number. 2505
"My girlfriend said that I “don't ever take anything in my life seriously”. “This is not true”, I
said, “but I can't prove you wrong right now, I have an important phone call to do”. “Who you
gonna call?” she asked. “Ghostbusters”, I said and giggled. We had some beautiful times
together..." Childish
Joke Number. 2506
Can you say 'Iced Ink' 5 times fast? Childish
Joke Number. 2507
"My boss stopped a meeting today due to my 'disruptive behavior', he pulled me to one side and
told me that if I continued to act in such a juvenile manner then I would be severely penalized. I
couldn't help but laugh; 'penalized' sounds a little bit rude." Childish
Joke Number. 2508
"I used to be a safe driver, but I give up. After all , who wants to drive a safe." Childish
Joke Number. 2509
"My mate told me I was really slow yesterday when we were in the pub. I quickly came back
with “Your mum's really slow.” Unfortunately he couldn't hear it as he had left hours ago."
Childish
Joke Number. 2510
"My local sperm bank is having a Pancake day fund raiser. All I could think was who would give
a toss?" Childish
Joke Number. 2511
"We've spent years trying to make a baby, but me and the wife have stuck together and finally
made one. It's the hardest Airfix kit we've ever done." Childish
Joke Number. 2512
A Swedish comedian just made fun out of Steve Jobs, saying that he was going to have an
interactive tombstone called die Pad. Childish
Joke Number. 2513
"What's yellow and can’t swim? A Bulldozer." Childish
Joke Number. 2514
"My wife accused me of being Childish as we left the fair, so I wouldn't let it go. “Alright,
you’re not Childish, but for God's sake let it go will you?” my wife moaned. “Not until you say
you're sorry and that I'm not Childish” I replied. “Ok, I'm sorry and you’re not Childish, now
please, just let it go” she sighed. Satisfied she meant it and with a smug grin on my face, I wound
down the car window and finally let my Mickey Mouse helium balloon go." Childish
Joke Number. 2515
I've just bought a Fairtrade chocolate bar from my local shop. You can almost taste the happy
Africans Childish
Joke Number. 2516
Ageing - Paedophiles worst nightmare. Childish
Joke Number. 2517
"My mum said that if I don't stop acting like such a child I will never amount to anything. Then
she stormed off, forgetting to turn on my nightlight I might add." Childish
Joke Number. 2518
I'm the type of guy that likes to hold a plastic gun to an ATM when I draw out cash. Childish
Joke Number. 2519
"Sometimes my friend’s don’t get me. It's like I'm not even playing tag with them." Childish
Joke Number. 2520
"Breaking news: An egg fell off the shelves in Tesco this morning and smashed on the floor. The
next of Kinder have been informed." Childish
Joke Number. 2521
"My wife thinks that I'm too Childish and says that if I don't get down from on top of the
wardrobe she is moving out. I'm the one that is safe from the hot lava." Childish
Joke Number. 2522
"People say my jokes are quite cheesy... Personally, I think they're quite mature" Childish
Joke Number. 2523
My girlfriend told me all I’m getting for Christmas is an empty sack. jackpot! Childish
Joke Number. 2524
"The wife just said that she wants to try out swinging. That's fine, just as long as she doesn't
expect me to be the one pushing the fat lump." Childish
Joke Number. 2525
"Things are getting a bit Childish in here. Come on, Teddy, we're leaving." Childish
Joke Number. 2526
My 10 year old son came up to me today and asked “daddy I hate it when I go to the toilet and
my Willie dangles in the water at the bottom" man I need a DNA test. Childish
Joke Number. 2527
"I have girls crawling at my feet! Yeah I work in a disabled home" Childish
Joke Number. 2528
I was messing about the other day and someone told me to act my age and not my shoe size,
which seemed odd to me. I wear a 44. Childish
Joke Number. 2529
"I'm sick and tired of my girlfriend insulting my friends. She hasn't even met them. What right
does she have to call them stupid, Childish and imaginary?" Childish
Joke Number. 2530
I started to charge my phone earlier.... until the wife said, "Take that kids plastic Viking helmet
off your head and STOP pretending you're a bull." Childish
Joke Number. 2531
"My girlfriend accused me of being Childish and argumentative. I said, 'No I'm not, you are.'
Shut her up." Childish
Joke Number. 2532
"What do you call an up-to-date raisin? Currant." Childish
Joke Number. 2533
"During my volcano expedition I had to avoid stepping on the lava at all costs. Until mum came
in, and said to stop pretending that the carpet is molten rock and to put the cushions away."
Childish
Joke Number. 2534
I thought that 'Snap' was the easiest card game ever until someone pointed out that you lay the
cards down face up. Childish
Joke Number. 2535
"If there is one thing that irritates me about my wife it is the way she dresses. For instance, she
spent about an hour trying to put on some underwear this morning. She argues that she would
have got them on much sooner, if I would have stopped kicking my legs petulantly." Childish
Joke Number. 2536
"People say Google suggestions are always correct. So how come I never get any suggestions
when I've typed in 'Child p'?" Childish
Joke Number. 2537
Roses are red, violets are blue, what I thought to be Vaseline turned out to be glue Childish
Joke Number. 2538
"ITV 1 6.30pm: You've been framed! Kids edition Sickipedia 6.30pm: 0 users online" Childish
Joke Number. 2539
People who say they shave every day are just bare-faced liars. Childish
Joke Number. 2540
"I stuck a label on my roommates back saying “I sleep with kids” as he was heading out for his
first day of work. He later got sacked from the nursery." Childish
Joke Number. 2541
"I'm currently spying on my neighbor on my bike, thinking, that’s my bike" Childish
Joke Number. 2542
If you're addicted to immature calculator jokes, call our helpline: 58008 5138008 Childish
Joke Number. 2543
My wife said to me "I'm leaving you, you're the laziest man I've ever met. I'll be back tomorrow
to collect my stuff" "Please don't babe" I begged "Come back Monday instead. It's your
turn to take out the bins." Childish
Joke Number. 2544
"My girlfriend stormed into the room and said I'm obsessed with retro Children’s TV shows. I
dropped a Clanger." Childish
Joke Number. 2545
"My wife threw me out for being too Childish last night. God knows how she knocked down the
walls of my impenetrable pillow fort to get to me." Childish
Joke Number. 2546
"My wife just caught me flicking our daughter's bean. I don't care though, they're really fun when
they jump about." Childish
Joke Number. 2547
Just had a row with my son over Peter Pan. It's about time he grew up. Childish
Joke Number. 2548
"My wife said she's leaving me 'because my displays of immaturity over the course of our
relationship number too many to recall'. Heh heh heh. She said 'number two'." Childish
Joke Number. 2549
"My wife had the cheek to call me “Immature”. Unfortunately for her, I said it at the exact same
time so now she's Jinxed!" Childish
Joke Number. 2550
"My girlfriend walked in and said I’m too Childish for her. I nearly chocked on my lego."
Childish
Joke Number. 2551
"I was sat in my police car when I got a shout on the radio that there was a robbery in progress. I
got there as quick as i could, just in time to catch one of them. We struggled violently, and I
ended up getting him in a very painful arm lock. He struggled some more, so i knocked him out
with a left hook. For some reason, my 6 year old doesn't want to play with me anymore" Childish
Joke Number. 2552
"My mum is kicking me out of the house. She says it’s time for me to grow up, and stop living
like I'm a teenager in the 90's. What among..." Childish
Joke Number. 2553
It's got to the point where i wear my headset whilst playing my Xbox even when i have no
friends online. Just so i don't have to talk to my wife. Childish
Joke Number. 2554
"A cannibal gets fed up with his wife and decides to kill her and serve her to the rest of the
Family, leaving them unaware it is their mum they are eating. They are all enjoying the dinner
when the daughter turns to the father and says, “This is lovely, dad. What is it?” “Your mum,”
says the dad. The daughter says, “I think you're a bit old for Childish remarks, dad.”" Childish
Joke Number. 2555
"Why is it when you say I love Children it is seen as nice but when you get specific it is weird I
love 8 year olds" Childish
Joke Number. 2556
"I and my girlfriend were arguing the other night, and to cut a long story short, I was told that I'm
'too Childish' for her and that maybe I should sleep on the sofa. The next morning, she came
downstairs all apologetic. However, I chose to ignore her in the fort I had created." Childish
Joke Number. 2557
Just took a dump in the ladies bathroom at work. The men’s room was open, but i just wanted to
show them ladies who’s boss. Childish
Joke Number. 2558
"My wife said to me, “I can't stand being around an immature little man anymore. Put yourself in
my shoes.” I said, “No thanks, I'm not your size.”" Childish
Joke Number. 2559
I'm the type of guy who puts the poo in swimming pool. Childish
Joke Number. 2560
"After years of narrowing down the different types of human pattern scientist have finally
narrowed it down to two. 1) The 9-5: living by the system finding a girls settling down getting
married, kids, the works. 2) Call of duty." Childish
Joke Number. 2561
Nothing says Chav better than 'Man throws ex's hamster out of first floor council flat window'.
Childish
Joke Number. 2562
“"Doctor Doctor! I think I'm a deck of cards” “I knew that when you shuffled into my surgery”!"
Childish
Joke Number. 2563
"Having not lost a tennis match in 4 years, I was furious at losing today with the umpire making
some terrible decisions. “For crying out loud Dave, Luke is only 7, letting him win just once
won’t kill you” said the wife." Childish
Joke Number. 2564
Entered a farting contest the other day. Mine wasn't the best but it wasn't to be sniffed at.
Childish
Joke Number. 2565
"With his trousers down round his ankles he said.. “Look, they’re small, smelly, and this one no
longer stands up on command” .... “Sargent, when I asked how your pri----s were doing, that's
not exactly what I had in mind..”" Childish
Joke Number. 2566
I'm not superficial. I try to be nice to ugly people. In case I ever need someone to babysit on
short notice. Childish
Joke Number. 2567
Unicorns aren't extinct - they just gained weight and are now called rhinos Childish
Joke Number. 2568
"Bob`s father bought him a cowboy outfit for his birthday.. That`s when he became a builder.."
Childish
Joke Number. 2569
"If you were unlucky enough to lose your thumb..... Would the bottom of your sandwich fall
off?" Childish
Joke Number. 2570
"The missus puts a smile on my face every morning.... But it's nowhere near as neat as the specs
and tash I put on her while SHE'S asleep! Biro's ROCK!!!" Childish
Joke Number. 2571
"I and the Mrs. were having another fight so I demanded she got off my back. I was in no mood
to give her or anyone else a piggyback." Childish
Joke Number. 2572
I've lived a life full of mistakes...I mean regrets. Childish
Joke Number. 2573
"Who's boss of the pencil case? The Ruler." Childish
Joke Number. 2574
"This bird was flirting with me in the pub. “I wear a DD bra,” she whispered. “That's OK,” I
said. “I wear Tum-Tiddly-Um underpants”." Childish
Joke Number. 2575
"My mom lost her credit card today, she accused everyone of taking it and got everyone really
stressed, a Family friend asked her, after an hour of looking, if it was in her bra. Long behold she
pulled it out and we all laughed at her. We never found that card.." Childish
Joke Number. 2576
"I had to leave the army because my Childish commanding officers kept getting me in trouble.
Major Look and Major Stare." Childish
Joke Number. 2577
"How do you stop a baby exploding in the microwave? Stab holes in it." Childish
Joke Number. 2578
"World Book Day next week and you're supposed to dress up as someone from a book. I'm
dressing up as myself, from Facebook." Childish
Joke Number. 2579
"I was having a discussion with my wife today. She was going on about how I was too immature
and Childish for her and that she thinks we should terminate our marriage. “If you ever grow up,
come and find me.” she said, “But right now, it's over”. I broke down into tears at this point. As I
hadn't laughed so hard in years." Childish
Joke Number. 2580
"What happens if you hook up two 9V batteries to a raisin? You get an electric current." Childish
Joke Number. 2581
"I'm going to open a bar called Rapunzel’s. That way the ladies can really let their hair down."
Childish
Joke Number. 2582
"My mum said I’ll be in shock at uni because I’m too Childish. That's pathetic, just because I
didn't let her in my castle to play with my dragons." Childish
Joke Number. 2583
If your parents never had Children, chances are you won't either Childish
Joke Number. 2584
"Not got Children? Hire a babysitter anyway, say the kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken.
When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone." Children
Joke Number. 2585
"A guy asks his girlfriend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a
Lamborghini Countach - she loves this car and she goes everywhere in it. One day, she picks up
her kids from school. She's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in
front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up
from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor, “Where is my son? He
was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham.”
The doctor replies, “I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he won't be able to kick a football
anymore.” The woman asks about her daughter. “Doctor, where is my daughter? She was really
good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at Wimbledon.” The doctor
says, “Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she won't be able to pick up a racket
anymore.” She begins to cry. “Doctor,” asks the woman, “how long have I been in this coma?”
The doctor replies, “Six months.” “So what's the date?” asks the woman. “April 1st,” says the
doctor. The woman begins to laugh “So you were joking then, were you?” Doctor: “YES... they
both died on impact.”" Children
Joke Number. 2586
"I felt like a fool when I bought Amy Winehouse tickets for my daughter and then remembered
that she died last year. Even more so when I remembered that Amy Winehouse died too."
Children
Joke Number. 2587
"I couldn't get to sleep last night. There were loud noises outside, and I kept tossing and turning,
but I just couldn't get comfortable, I was hot, then freezing, then itchy, it was unbearable. Then I
thought of the Children in Haiti who have been forced to sleep on what's left of their streets..
And then I thought, great, now I have an erection to add to my list of distractions." Children
Joke Number. 2588
I've got three kids, ten, eight and five. Weird names, I know. Children
Joke Number. 2589
"The other day my six-year-old son said: “When I grow up, I want to get the highest score on
Sickipedia.” I said: “You can't do both.”" Children
Joke Number. 2590
"Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of Children came up. The bride
said she wanted three Children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to
things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy.” Without a moment's
hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own.”"
Children
Joke Number. 2591
"A man arrives home from work and finds his wife stressed because the kids had been running
wild all day. She asks if he would take them out for a pizza. He told the kids to go into the
garage. He followed them. A few moments later the wife hears two loud bangs. The guy comes
back into the house and asks “Where's my pizza?”" Children
Joke Number. 2592
"When I was a kid, we all played spin the bottle. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to
you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny. By the time I was 16 I
owned my own house." Children
Joke Number. 2593
"A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest
kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a 2 pound coin in one hand and
two 50ps in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy
takes the two 50ps and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy next to an ice cream van. “Hey,
son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take two 50ps instead of the 2 pound coin?” The
boy licked his ice cream cone and replied, “Because, the day I take the 2 pound coin, the game is
over.”" Children
Joke Number. 2594
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you. Children
Joke Number. 2595
"My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly. “Which one?” I replied, “James Junior, or
the girl one?”" Children
Joke Number. 2596
"What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch? Names." Children
Joke Number. 2597
"How do you get a child to stop wetting the bed? Give him an electric blanket" Children
Joke Number. 2598
"Ahhh memories. I remember my mother used to say “There's a train coming, there's a train
coming” when she fed me. I used to gobble up the food. Well if I didn't she wouldn't untie me
from the tracks." Children
Joke Number. 2599
"I've got three Children, one of each. A boy, a girl and an 800-metre sprinter." Children
Joke Number. 2600
"My wife and I have seven kids, which I'll admit is an awful lot. But we're committed, and we're
going to keep on trying until we get one we like." Children
Joke Number. 2601
"My five year old son painted his 'Bob the Builder' action toy black. I told him he's ruined it, it'll
never work again." Children
Joke Number. 2602
"I just watched my daughter's netball team play for a place in the under eleven's final. What a
semi." Children
Joke Number. 2603
"I failed my driving test again, today. There were a couple of minors. The examiner said that I
was right slowing down by the school, but wolf whistling is a definite no-no." Children
Joke Number. 2604
"A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks “excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?” The
shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says “do you
want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one
over there?” The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans
forward and whispers, “ I don't wealy fink my anaconda gives a phuc.”" Children
Joke Number. 2605
"My wife and I had to run to the shops for five minutes, and so we left our four-year-old son
unattended with a jigsaw to keep him amused. Imagine our surprise when we came back to
discover he had sawn off four of his fingers." Children
Joke Number. 2606
"'Boy of four dies in tumble dryer during a game of hide and seek' Police say his last words were,
“I'm getting warmer.”" Children
Joke Number. 2607
"I had a threesome with two young girls last night. They had a combined age of 19 so I presume
what I did was completely legal." Children
Joke Number. 2608
"The wife and I decided to flip a coin to see what our newborn son should be called. He's called
Tails." Children
Joke Number. 2609
"What's the hardest part of telling your son he's adopted? For me it was learning Chinese."
Children
Joke Number. 2610
"I and my wife have different ways to discipline our kids. She threatens them by saying, “Just
wait until your father gets home.” I say, “Just wait until your mother goes out.”" Children
Joke Number. 2611
"I have one of those 'Anti Bullying' wrist bands ...... I stole it from a fat ginger kid!" Children
Joke Number. 2612
The Slinky: Crushing the happiness of Children living in bungalows since 1945. Children
Joke Number. 2613
"We put our kids to sleep by tossing them in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for
this method to work." Children
Joke Number. 2614
"Happy Mother's Day to all my neighbors on the estate. Remember: if you go out for a meal,
take it easy on the WKD as you've got school tomorrow and it’s nearly GCSE time." Children
Joke Number. 2615
"My little girl came to me the other day and said, “Daddy, what is sadness?” I couldn't think of
anything to say, so I ran her dog over." Children
Joke Number. 2616
"I and my wife saw a young boy in rags sitting outside Tesco. My wife asked, “Awww are you
an orphan?” He replied, “Yes, what gave me away?” I said, “Your parents.”" Children
Joke Number. 2617
"During a blazing row with my youngest son, he turned to me and screamed, “I wish I was
adopted”. Well, it’s taken six months and a lot of paperwork, but finally I've managed to make
his wish come true." Children
Joke Number. 2618
“"Your son just called me an old cow!” said my neighbor. “That's disgraceful,” I said. “I keep
telling him not to judge people by their appearance.”" Children
Joke Number. 2619
"Just heard ex-nanny Louise Woodward is back in England and working at my local
McDonald's. All kids get a free shake." Children
Joke Number. 2620
"I was sat on the bus today when a little girl nearby, who had been on the bus for a good hour,
said to her mum, “I can't feel my legs!” I leaned over and asked politely, “Can I?” And that's
when the police got involved." Children
Joke Number. 2621
"Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded
to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”
“Eight,” the boy replied. The man continued, “Do you know how these are used?” The boy
replied, “Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother he's four. We saw on TV
that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one.”"
Children
Joke Number. 2622
"Child locks. Preventing kids escaping from burning vehicles since the 1980s." Children
Joke Number. 2623
I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at
once. Children
Joke Number. 2624
"When I have a kid, I'm going to buy one of those prams for twins. Then put the kid in it, and run
around looking frantic." Children
Joke Number. 2625
"My son said to me yesterday, “Dad, my mum reckons I get my intelligence from her, is that
right?” I replied, “Well, it must be, I've still got mine.”" Children
Joke Number. 2626
"I was watching my son splashing around in the bath this morning. Unfortunately my wife came
in and grabbed him before he drowned." Children
Joke Number. 2627
"My daughter was really upset when she found out her new gold earrings were only gold plated.
Not as upset as I was, they're leaving a green rash on my thighs." Children
Joke Number. 2628
"When I was six I was a bit of a knife addict. I was also an only child......eventually." Children
Joke Number. 2629
"I coach a schoolboy football team. In today's match, and the very last kick of the game, our
goalkeeper let the ball through his legs and gave away the goal that cost us the match. After the
game he came over and said, “Sorry, coach, I should have kept my legs shut.” I said, “It's not
your fault, Jimmy. It's your mother who should have kept her legs shut.”" Children
Joke Number. 2630
"Want to enjoy your holiday but the kids are too noisy around the pool? Try putting the
armbands on their ankles, it works every time...." Children
Joke Number. 2631
"A young boy asks his Dad, “What is the Difference between confident and confidential?” Dad
says, “You are my son, I'm confident about that. But see your friend over there? He is also my
son. That's confidential.”" Children
Joke Number. 2632
"A little boy comes running into the house and says, “Mummy, can little girls have babies?” His
mum replies, “No, of course not.” The little boy runs back outside and yells, “It's okay, we can
play that game again!”" Children
Joke Number. 2633
"Why did the little girl fall over? Because I threw a brick at her head!" Children
Joke Number. 2634
"I'm like a God in my Kid's eyes, they are told that I created them, but they have never seen me."
Children
Joke Number. 2635
"My son said, “What's your biggest regret dad?” I said, “I'm not sure son... Who's taller, you or
your brother?”" Children
Joke Number. 2636
"What do you call a man with twin teenage daughters? Mate." Children
Joke Number. 2637
Why should I be the one to take the kids to see their psychologist? I don't even love them.
Children
Joke Number. 2638
"As I looked at our son, I said to my wife, “It's amazing how much snot you can get up the nose
of a one year old.” She said, “Will you stop doing that.”" Children
Joke Number. 2639
"I hurt my back today.. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off."
Children
Joke Number. 2640
I'm not saying your child is ugly... I'm just saying you will never have to worry about
paedophiles. Children
Joke Number. 2641
"I don't like Children. What people don't seem to realize is that babies are here to replace us.
Once you understand that you can see just how sinister they are." Children
Joke Number. 2642
"I'm watching my neighbor’s kids whilst they are away on holiday. If they leave that door
unlocked, I'm in there." Children
Joke Number. 2643
"Tip for the day: When a Census taker asks how many Children you have, the correct answer is
not, “As many as I can catch”." Children
Joke Number. 2644
"My mate asked me why my Children always blame it on someone else. I said, “I'm not sure,
they must get it from their mother.”" Children
Joke Number. 2645
If sperm's really good for the skin, why has my daughter still got eczema? Children
Joke Number. 2646
"The Government has decided that cough medicines don't work on Children under 12 and are
withdrawing them from sale. I beg to differ, I find it makes them nice and drowsy." Children
Joke Number. 2647
"Today I am going to be a dad for the first time. Neglecting my kids for the last 12 years is
probably long enough." Children
Joke Number. 2648
"I was never my parent’s favorite when I was growing up. Which, considering I'm an only
child..." Children
Joke Number. 2649
"I would like to put forward my nomination for the “Protester of the Year Award”... Every
weekday morning and afternoon without fail there is a man who stands outside our local school
protesting. He dresses himself all in yellow and he holds a small round placard that simply reads
“Stop Children” That to me is dedication to a worthy cause and deserves recognition." Children
Joke Number. 2650
"I decided to sponsor a third world child. As it turns out he was too malnourished to finish the
fun run so I didn't pay him." Children
Joke Number. 2651
"I was talking with my girlfriend last night when I said that ugly Children are terrible and should
be kept in a cage. She didn't take it well at all. She stared at me and angrily said, “Well, what
would you do if I gave birth to a child that was ugly?” I replied, “I'd love it as if it were my
own!”" Children
Joke Number. 2652
"I thought I'd give my Children a surprise this Christmas. So I didn't buy them anything."
Children
Joke Number. 2653
"TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake. SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes
don't have feet." Children
Joke Number. 2654
Apparently, when your teenage child appears from their room after many hours perfecting their
"look", you are not supposed to laugh. Children
Joke Number. 2655
I used to think Santa Claus was a paedophile... Turned out it was my uncle Frank all along.
Children
Joke Number. 2656
"My wife just gave birth to our son, he was six nine and healthy. I think I'll have to buy him a
new cot though, because I didn't expect him to be that tall." Children
Joke Number. 2657
"What's the best present to get a dying child? A dying puppy." Children
Joke Number. 2658
"When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite
toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little
cup of tea, which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such
yummy tea, my Mum came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little
Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, “Just the cutest thing!” My Mum waited, and
sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up
and then says, “Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is
the toilet?”" Children
Joke Number. 2659
"A recent survey, carried out in Scotland, proved that the first child to be born in a Family is
USUALLY the MOST INTELLIGENT child within that particular Family. American
researchers (not wanting to be outdone) took this study one step forward and proved that the first
child to be born in a Family is ALWAYS the ELDEST child within that particular Family."
Children
Joke Number. 2660
I've just been in McDonald's and I've seen four girls who have the face of a 12 year old and the
body of a girl who's name ends in .jpg Children
Joke Number. 2661
"They say that Children are our most valuable natural resource. I agree. In fact, I've already
started drilling." Children
Joke Number. 2662
"Shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother went out to the hairdressers. Father stayed
home to care for their son, soon the baby started crying. The father did everything possible to
stop the crying, but the baby wouldn't stop. Worried he took the baby to the doctors. The Doctor
examined the baby's ears, chest then down to the nappy area. When he undid the nappy, he found
the nappy was full. “Here's the problem”, the Dr. said, “he needs to be changed.” The father was
perplexed,” but the nappy packaging says it good for up to 10lbs.”" Children
Joke Number. 2663
I really hate reading the kids a bedtime story when my wife's too tired to do it. Tonight should be
the last time though - I'm reading them the Exorcist. Children
Joke Number. 2664
I was as ugly as a child that I had a tinted incubator. Children
Joke Number. 2665
"Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into
trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably
involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining
Children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see
them individually. The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the
preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger
boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?” The boy's mouth dropped
open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the
preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?!” Again, the boy made
no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's
face and bellowed, “WHERE is GOD?!” The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran
directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother
found him in the closet, he asked “What happened?” The younger brother, gasping for breath,
replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time!” “GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!”"
Children
Joke Number. 2666
"I overheard my son and daughter complaining the other day that I act more like a boss than a
father towards them. So I've invited them both to a disciplinary hearing at 10.00 next Monday
morning." Children
Joke Number. 2667
I saw a black couple on the news who had been jailed for beating their child and I thought,
"Wow, I'm so glad my parents weren't like that... or I'd be black" Children
Joke Number. 2668
"What's the Difference between Batman and Madeleine McCann? Batman returns." Children
Joke Number. 2669
Whenever my young son cries too much, I show him his birth video in reverse and tell him that's
what happens to kids who don't stop crying. Children
Joke Number. 2670
"My son invited his posh friend to his birthday party. I asked him, “What's your favorite game,
Tarquin?” He said, “Partridge, but I'm partial to grouse in season.”" Children
Joke Number. 2671
"When my boss asked me why I was leaving so early, “I'm going to pick the kids up before their
parents get there,” was not the answer I should have given." Children
Joke Number. 2672
I was asked by my local community center to play Simon says with the kids. According to the
parents Simon does not say take off your clothes. Children
Joke Number. 2673
I had to take my son to the emergency room today after my attempt at teaching him to ride a bike
went wrong. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have started with a Kawasaki Ninja. Children
Joke Number. 2674
"I hit my nephew yesterday.... My sister was absolutely hysterical. but then I was in an Audi and
he was playing in the driveway....." Children
Joke Number. 2675
Little kid fell in the hole I dug in my garden, when he hit the bottom there was a splash from the
water below. Couldn't help but think, Oh well. Children
Joke Number. 2676
"I don't know if I’m a bit sick; but when you're out shopping, does no one else find it funny when
distracted toddlers walk into things... ...like the road" Children
Joke Number. 2677
I fed my Children some radioactive laxatives the other day....You should have seen their little
faces light up....... Children
Joke Number. 2678
I scored 556 in a cricket match today. I could have scored more, but after nearly 6 hours at the
crease my wife insisted I let my son have a bat. Children
Joke Number. 2679
"My wife kept telling me I should show my son a bit more affection. So now I pat it on the head
when I get home from work." Children
Joke Number. 2680
"I complained to my newsagent that my paperboy is coming earlier every morning. He's
promised me my next one will have more stamina." Children
Joke Number. 2681
"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the
aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from Children.”" Children
Joke Number. 2682
"I said to my son, “what you doing?” “Maths homework.” I said, “Give us a question.”
“What's the lowest common denominator?” I said, “You'll never find it, they were looking for
that when I was at school.”" Children
Joke Number. 2683
"My daughter's just hit the age where she asks questions about everything. What are you doing
daddy? Why is that inside me daddy? Why does it taste funny daddy? It's hard feeding your kids
vegetables." Children
Joke Number. 2684
"I feel sorry for kids nowadays, especially when they see a toy advertised on television. They
want it but can't have it because their parents have to be 18 or older to buy it." Children
Joke Number. 2685
"My neighbors’ kids were building a snowman, and asked me for a carrot and two lumps of coal.
The way kids are these days, I suppose it was a bit naive of me to expect that they'd use them for
its face." Children
Joke Number. 2686
"I tried to begin the magic, by telling my kids just like in the advert on TV... I peeled back the
paper revealing the writing, “We're going to Disneyland....” They were so excited until I
removed it entirely, and it said “...Paris.”" Children
Joke Number. 2687
"My 11yr old son was sent home from school yesterday, accompanied by the police, just for
having a little gash on his finger. Admittedly, it did belong to the headmistress............." Children
Joke Number. 2688
Nothing says "I was bullied at school" quite like becoming a copper Children
Joke Number. 2689
"I was fired from my job as a Children's magician today... Apparently, when I make the kids
disappear, I also have to make them re-appear." Children
Joke Number. 2690
"I took my twins into town today to get fitted for their first bras. They complained and said they
will get teased at school, especially by the other boys in the football team." Children
Joke Number. 2691
"I've never read my daughter's diary. No kid that sits and writes in a diary is doing anything
worth worrying about." Children
Joke Number. 2692
"Asians. If you're good at something there is always an eight year old Asian kid that can do it
better." Children
Joke Number. 2693
"A little boy walks into his kitchen and says, “Dad, there's a man knocking on the door with a
beard.” His dad replies, “Oh, no wonder I didn't hear him!”" Children
Joke Number. 2694
"My 7 year old son wet himself this morning and all I said was “Urine trouble?” and he wet
himself again. Now that's power." Children
Joke Number. 2695
"Social services has just taken my 2 year old off me for no reason what so ever. I don't even
know if his new parents will even let him smoke in the house!" Children
Joke Number. 2696
"It's really difficult finding things to do with the kids during the holidays. My eldest wanted to go
and see Cars and the youngest wanted to go to the park. We've had to compromise, so we're in
Asda's carpark." Children
Joke Number. 2697
However sad you feel... Just remember that, somewhere in the world, a fat kid has just dropped
his ice-cream Children
Joke Number. 2698
"Christmas has come early to my house. My daughter has just invited her school pals round for a
pajama party." Children
Joke Number. 2699
It takes 24 screws to build an Ikea cot but only 1 to fill it Children
Joke Number. 2700
"Was in the pharmacy today when a little girl pointed to a shelve of condoms and asked her dad
“Daddy what are the sweets up there?” He replies “Sweets that I should have bought”" Children
Joke Number. 2701
"After setting the orphanage on fire, I stood back and watched the kids clawing and scrambling
to get out the front door, pushing, shoving, and even trampling over one another. Children can be
so cruel." Children
Joke Number. 2702
I hate these kids who play tag. They really think they're it. Children
Joke Number. 2703
"If I had a penny for every time I did a day’s work.....I'd be an Indian child." Children
Joke Number. 2704
"The other day, my baby was crawling along the floor, stopped, and thought for a bit, staggered
uneasily to his feet, then shakily walked across the room looking pleased with himself. My
missus was elated, showering him with praise and affection. Why is it, when I do the same thing
after coming back from the pub at 3 in the morning, I just get a slap?" Children
Joke Number. 2705
I was supposed to be Godfather for my mate’s newborn, but putting a horse’s head in his cot
wasn't what my mate expected. Children
Joke Number. 2706
"BBC News: Light drinking 'no risk to baby' really.... Well when social services caught me
feeding my 2 month old son Jack Daniels they said something entirely different." Children
Joke Number. 2707
"My son turned round earlier and said I'm the most uncool dad on the planet. I've spent the last
two hours trying to think of a groovy response." Children
Joke Number. 2708
"Since Sickipedia is now been overrun by kids, can I be the first to say, Do any of you want to
see my puppies?" Children
Joke Number. 2709
"What's worse than finding white stains inside the front of your son's underwear? Finding them
on the back." Children
Joke Number. 2710
"Child line really needs to be renamed..... I rang them and ordered 3 but instead a van full of
Police officers turned up???" Children
Joke Number. 2711
I'm as bored as a fat kid on a see-saw. Children
Joke Number. 2712
Is it just me, or does the story of The Pied Piper seem a lot more sinister now than when you read
it as a kid? Children
Joke Number. 2713
"I was invited round by my long term girlfriend to meet her parents. All was going well, they
seemed to like me, and then they asked the killer question “Are you planning on having kids.” I
replied “Don’t be silly you can't have Children the way we do it” I am now single." Children
Joke Number. 2714
"My friend has had her kids taken away after social services said she isn't a fit mother.
Personally, I reckon she's bang tidy." Children
Joke Number. 2715
Is it just me or is Hannah Montana getting on a bit now? Children
Joke Number. 2716
"It was tough growing up with strict parents as a deaf kid. At meal times I was always told off
for speaking with my hands full." Children
Joke Number. 2717
I was a lovely baby. My parents used to fake my kidnapping just to see my pictures in the papers
Children
Joke Number. 2718
"I would like to thank the designers of my house for putting the plug sockets at a height that a
child of eight months could easily put his fingers into and die from an electric shock. Seriously...
thanks. Got my first decent night’s sleep in eight months, last night." Children
Joke Number. 2719
"I really am turning into my father. I have a disappointing son." Children
Joke Number. 2720
"What's the Difference between Madeleine Mcann, My girlfriend and a dead baby?
Nothing." Children
Joke Number. 2721
"My daughter screamed when I did her hair up in pigtails. She doesn't want to visit the abattoir
again." Children
Joke Number. 2722
"I saw a Birthday badge that says “I am 2” on the front. On the back, however, the warning label
says “This object is not suitable for Children 3 and under.”" Children
Joke Number. 2723
"Baby sitting for your friends kids is just like having a hire car. You abuse them as much as you
want, then hand them back." Children
Joke Number. 2724
"My belief in Santa Claus is starting to get severely tested. For three years my Children haven't
received any presents for Christmas, and I know for a fact that they've not been particularly
naughty." Children
Joke Number. 2725
"The other day I came home from work and my girlfriend was waiting for me in the kitchen. She
told me that she felt she was ready to take the next step in our relationship. “Twins?” I asked
with high hopes. She nodded in reply. “Great!” I said, “I know an Asian pair who will definitely
be game.” Apparently she meant she wanted kids..." Children
Joke Number. 2726
"My daughter told me this morning that when she was older she wanted to be a businesswoman
and run a chocolate factory. Aren't kids adorable! Of course I was honest and explained to her
there is no such word as 'businesswoman'." Children
Joke Number. 2727
Am I the only one alarmed that Santa breaks into my house undetected, Drinks my Jack Daniels,
Eats all my mince pies and to top it all off, Watch’s my Children 24/7? Children
Joke Number. 2728
“"Daddy?” the kid asked his father. “Where did I come from?” “Ask your mother,” he replied. “I
did,” the kid said. “But I don't think she was telling the truth. She said I came from a bucket.”
“Hmmmm,” chuckled his dad. “That's about the size of it...”" Children
Joke Number. 2729
"Even though I'm a cub scout leader, I'm still nervous around kids. But when we all dressed up as
Red Indians the other day I did feel a little brave." Children
Joke Number. 2730
"I was telling my mate I grounded our baby for screaming so much and he said, “How can you
ground a baby?” “With a mortar and pestle.” I replied." Children
Joke Number. 2731
"My dad's recently been hitting the booze every night. I like to call him alcopop" Children
Joke Number. 2732
"I don't believe in smacking my kids. I find that pointing a gun at them accomplishes the same
thing." Children
Joke Number. 2733
"After coming home from a school trip to the cinema, I had the following conversation with my
wife: “I got a Woody from watching Toy Story 3 today.” “Oh really dear? Give it to the kids.”
So, that your honour, is the reason why my wife is an accomplice." Children
Joke Number. 2734
Nothing says "I'm a paedophile" more than owning a chocolate factory. Children
Joke Number. 2735
"I was on the phone to my brother when I gave it to my 5yr old son. After a minute of silence I
took the phone back, apologized for my son’s shyness and said my goodbyes. Then I turned to
my son and said, “Why didn't you speak to your uncle Terry, son?” He said, “Because he's
always told me that he'd kill me if I ever said anything.”" Children
Joke Number. 2736
"After a particularly bad parents evening, the teacher said the problem must stem from home.
She even went so far as to ask if I loved my daughter. Apparently 'often' was the wrong answer."
Children
Joke Number. 2737
"BBC News: “Are you a parent that struggles to help your Children with their homework, we
have ways to make it easier for you.” Yeah, don't have a kid at 16." Children
Joke Number. 2738
"I spotted a lonely boy in the park. Being the nice person that I am, I played basketball with him.
My fun ended when he got stuck in the hoop." Children
Joke Number. 2739
"BBC News: 'Parenting style strongly affects drinking' That's odd - because I find drinking
strongly affects my parenting style..." Children
Joke Number. 2740
I'm playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they'll never find me, because they aren't
old enough to drive or get into this pub. Children
Joke Number. 2741
"My wife was saying 'I don't care what you say. There's no pain in the world as bad as childbirth'
Anyway you will be glad to know she now knows better. Sorry make that knew better." Children
Joke Number. 2742
"I was explaining to my daughter that hamsters don't live forever and that when Harry's time
comes, she could invite her friends round and have sandwiches, jelly and ice cream to celebrate
his life. She asked, “Dad, can we kill him now?”" Children
Joke Number. 2743
"My daughter brought a boy home the other day, and I wasn't impressed I didn't hesitate to tell
everyone present what I thought of him. She started crying, but that was probably just a side
effect of the stressful birth." Children
Joke Number. 2744
"I saw a disabled kid struggling to get going on the swings because he had no legs, so I gave him
a push. Then put my kid on the swing." Children
Joke Number. 2745
I'm guessing the next idiot child will be killed by an electric fence. Children
Joke Number. 2746
"I brought my kids some crayons yesterday... It was a present to make my kin scrawl." Children
Joke Number. 2747
"Just saw a little fat girl wearing a T-shirt that said “I'm Daddy's Favorite” She must be an only
child if she's his favorite!" Children
Joke Number. 2748
"I treat my kids like AM radio. I never listen to them." Children
Joke Number. 2749
"Anyone else think it's weird that Roman Catholic Priests are known as “Fathers” when none of
them have kids? Well at least not in the traditional sense..." Children
Joke Number. 2750
I just recently fell down the stairs carrying my 2 year old daughter, don't worry though, I
managed to strategically position her in such a way that I didn't get hurt. Children
Joke Number. 2751
"My son was sent home from school today for putting super glue round the rim of his teacher's
coffee cup. I said to him, “What did your teacher say when he found out?” “Mmmmmmmmmmm-
mmmm-mmmm..........!”" Children
Joke Number. 2752
For years, I tried to get my son to tuck in his shirts, and failed. So in the end, I sewed an edge of
lace all around the bottom of his shirts. Children
Joke Number. 2753
"I started working as a teacher in a school for mentally challenged Children. On the first day I
asked them if anyone can do animal noises. Apparently that's all they can do." Children
Joke Number. 2754
No matter how much flour I use, I can never raise a child. Children
Joke Number. 2755
"GUTTED! After being employed by the education board to help reduce the number of under
age pregnancies, I have just been fired. Apparently advising the kids at the primary school that
the best way is to “get there before the hair” is inappropriate!" Children
Joke Number. 2756
"What is the Difference between snot and spinach? You can't get your kids to eat spinach."
Children
Joke Number. 2757
"My job is to deliver speeches on health and safety. I get really nervous before-hand, so my
friend suggested picturing the audience in their underwear. It didn't work at all; I was still
nervous plus I got a raging hard-on. Then again, it was at my local primary school." Children
Joke Number. 2758
"Promises are like Children. Fun making them, regret keeping them." Children
Joke Number. 2759
"My kid came home and cried, “Dad! The kids at school told me I have a face only a parent
could love!” I replied, “That's nonsense, dear. I hate your face too.”" Children
Joke Number. 2760
I bought some new Nike trainers today, I'm thinking of returning them, they look like they were
made by a 7 year old! Children
Joke Number. 2761
"I was trying everything last night to get the baby to sleep. Finally after 5 bottles he went down.
He's going to have a right hangover when he gets up." Children
Joke Number. 2762
Was anybody else disappointed that the boy wasn't in the airship? Children
Joke Number. 2763
"I don't believe in smacking my Children...it achieves nothing. Several punches do though."
Children
Joke Number. 2764
It's all fun and games until the fat kid joins the pile on. Children
Joke Number. 2765
"I told my younger brother that if a person flaps his arms long enough and hard enough then that
person can actually fly. I just love seeing the sad expression on his face once he realizes he
cannot do it. You know, after having his arms amputated and all..." Children
Joke Number. 2766
"When your only child has Down's syndrome, Birthdays can be difficult. Last week our daughter
was five and I and the wife just couldn't decide what to give her. Eventually we settled on 'away,
for adoption.'" Children
Joke Number. 2767
"Having a father who was a Doctor and a mother who was a Nurse had its down side. When I
was six I had to leave home because they needed the bed." Children
Joke Number. 2768
Today, my six year old told me I have a big nose. When I told her that she hurt my feelings, she
laughed and said "Don't be silly mummy, ugly people don't have feelings Children
Joke Number. 2769
"I spent all day making a mug, but when I went to pick it up, half of it fell off! I didn't handle it
very well." Children
Joke Number. 2770
If an orphan goes into KFC are they allowed to buy a Family bucket? Children
Joke Number. 2771
"Bought that new Lynx Bullet today. Turns out that it doesn't have the same effect on kids :("
Children
Joke Number. 2772
Just had one of those landmark father son moments yup had to show him how to delete browser
history Children
Joke Number. 2773
After years of thinking it wasn't anything I should be concerned about, I have finally given in to
my conscience and decided to sponsor a needy child in the Third World. She is eleven years old,
white and lives in Bradford. Children
Joke Number. 2774
"The most fun time of my day is playing with my son at bath time. But now he's ten it's hard for
both of us to fit in." Children
Joke Number. 2775
"When asked “What would be your dream job once leaving school?” in a recent poll, 99% of 11-
16 year olds wrote: “My dream is too work in a sweat shop!” Say what you like about the kids of
today, they may be illiterate but they aren't scared of hard work!" Children
Joke Number. 2776
"How can you tell when the school kids are on holiday? Because this site is now on a 6 week
shut down!!!" Children
Joke Number. 2777
"I dropped my kids of at their babysitters yesterday before I went to work and she asked me,
“When do you want them back.” I replied, “When they're earning.”" Children
Joke Number. 2778
"I was texting a mate when from nowhere I got hit by a car, just when I realized what was
happening a fire engine flew past me and missed my head by inches. I gave my son a right slap,
how he dare throw toys out of his pram." Children
Joke Number. 2779
"My child was born with a genetic skin disorder. He's black." Children
Joke Number. 2780
"Be nice to your kids. You never know, you might need a kidney one day." Children
Joke Number. 2781
"When I was a kid I really wanted to be a fireman. Turns out I just enjoy breaking down doors
with an axe." Children
Joke Number. 2782
"Today has been a dark day for me, I have been told I cannot have any Children. Apparently, no
amount of begging at the orphanage door is going to make them change their minds..." Children
Joke Number. 2783
"What noise does a baby make in a microwave? I don't know, I was too busy masturbating."
Children
Joke Number. 2784
"I was walking down the road the other day when I saw my old school pal, Mike Kelly. I ran
over and jumped on him knocking him to the ground and gave him a wedgy like I use to do back
in the school days. Then I thought to myself, “shouldn't he have got older too”?" Children
Joke Number. 2785
"I've got two sons, 6 and 11. Funny names really but I like them." Children
Joke Number. 2786
"Turns out I have raised my 15 year old son really well, whenever I got to empty the bin in his
room, he runs to the bin and says “don't worry! I'll do it” What a lovely son." Children
Joke Number. 2787
"I was in my car late last night with my 7 year old son, and he pointed at the Cats Eyes in the
road and said, “Those diamonds look great daddy”, and I said, “What makes you think that they
are diamonds?” “Don't be silly daddy, everyone knows that this is a jewel carriageway.” he
replied." Children
Joke Number. 2788
"James Bulger Madeleine McCann Rhys Jones Liam Gill Harry Blackmore
Carlsberg don't do child tragedies.... Liverpool do...." Children
Joke Number. 2789
"Primark Children's range. Made by Children, for Children." Children
Joke Number. 2790
"Me and my mate had a bake-off today with our Children. He won, I left my son in the oven for
way too long." Children
Joke Number. 2791
"When I was young, I could not understand why anyone would want to become a priest because
you could not get married or have Children. Now I am married with Children, I can see the
priesthood has its attractions." Children
Joke Number. 2792
I just gave my newborn baby a bath. Drying him in a microwave didn't go down well with the
misus. Children
Joke Number. 2793
"What's the Difference between Scouse kids and Russian kids? Scouse kids get slaughtered
before they go to school." Children
Joke Number. 2794
"If there are Children in need they should send them to my place. I've got a large donation I need
to make." Children
Joke Number. 2795
"What goes: - Plink, Plink, Fizzzzzzz? Two babies dropped in a bath of acid!!" Children
Joke Number. 2796
"I love to go to the park and watch the kids jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing
blanks." Children
Joke Number. 2797
"I could tell my parents hated me. When they took me to the lake to go swimming, all the other
kids were skating." Children
Joke Number. 2798
I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, "Excuse me, would you like me to show
you how to discipline your child?" Children
Joke Number. 2799
"They say Children are our greatest treasure. Especially when buried." Children
Joke Number. 2800
If you can't beat 'em..... Why have kids? Children
Joke Number. 2801
Children in the dark cause accidents. Accidents in the dark cause Children Children
Joke Number. 2802
Broke Back Mountain is both my dad's favorite film. Children
Joke Number. 2803
Three Jelly tots and four down syndrome kids, let the game commence. Children
Joke Number. 2804
"My wife told me today that I'm going to be a father for the very first time. The sad news is, I've
already got two Children." Children
Joke Number. 2805
"My wife said, “I remember when I was a baby, my mum giving me a bath in the sink. Wouldn't
it make a great picture, me bathing our lovely little lad?” “Great idea,” I said, getting the camera.
I took a cracking photo of his happy, smiling face.... .....seconds before the waste disposal kicked
in." Children
Joke Number. 2806
"My six-year-old daughter is dependent on heroin. If I don't sell enough of it then she doesn't get
fed." Children
Joke Number. 2807
"Breaking news: Gospel music group, The Priests are supposedly taking longer than expected in
the studio finishing of an EP featuring covers of several MGMT songs. The problem seems to be
that they keep tampering with 'Kids'" Children
Joke Number. 2808
I was looking at my kids sleeping last night thinking, "Must get that gas leak fixed." Children
Joke Number. 2809
It's pretty tense when you take your new girlfriend to the cinema and she gets ID’s for Harry
Potter. Children
Joke Number. 2810
"I found out earlier that dead babies are being grounded up into a powdered tablet in China and
being sold abroad as 'stamina tablets', each one containing about 99.7% human. I had never been
so disgusted and outraged in all of my life, I’ve already taken 5 and I feel no different." Children
Joke Number. 2811
"An old man on a porch asks a boy dragging a chain down the street, “Why are you pulling that
chain?” The boy replies, “You ever try to push one?”" Children
Joke Number. 2812
"Those Children in Africa think they are poor? When I was a kid, I didn't have enough money to
buy a memory card for my PlayStation 1." Children
Joke Number. 2813
"A friend of mine was having trouble naming her twin boys, she asked for my opinion so I
advised her to go with what her gut was telling her. She went with Egg and Chips." Children
Joke Number. 2814
"Well I can safely say that 3 of my money is going to the poverty stricken kids in Africa
tonight... I bought a top in Primark." Children
Joke Number. 2815
“"SchoolChildren injured after bus crashes on way to Alton Towers” That's now my day out
sorted. At least the queue for Nemesis will be shorter." Children
Joke Number. 2816
"This little piggy went to the market this little piggy stayed home this little piggy had roast beef
this little piggy had none this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home and this little
piggy was the result of being bred in Norfolk" Children
Joke Number. 2817
"For some cheap entertainment after Christmas feed your sister's Tiny Tears doll some Ribena.
Then sit back and relax as the doll begins to resemble something out of the apocalypse."
Children
Joke Number. 2818
"What's funnier than dropping a baby out of a window? Dropping it off of the roof." Children
Joke Number. 2819
"My five-year old son went down a helter-skelter the other day, laughing as he went. “What a
twisted sense of humor” I thought." Children
Joke Number. 2820
"What's the Difference between a paedophile and a PE teacher? A hockey stick." Children
Joke Number. 2821
"My daughter confessed that she had recently been sneaking out of the house at night to meet up
with her friends. “It's just so easy to sneak out,” she said jokingly, “you need to at least make it a
challenge.” “Alright,” I said, playing along, “but only cause it's you.” Then I hack-sawed her legs
off." Children
Joke Number. 2822
"My wife told me that she would hate to see any harm come to our Children. I said, “That's why
I wait 'til you're at work.”" Children
Joke Number. 2823
I've got two wonderful Children - and two out of five ain't bad. Children
Joke Number. 2824
"What is the Difference between The Proclaimers and Maddie McCann? We haven't seen The
Proclaimers for a while but they're most likely still alive." Children
Joke Number. 2825
"Apparently, “Hi, I'm Randy and I'm an alcoholic” doesn't go down that well when you're
introducing yourself to other parents... ...when they drop off their kid for a sleepover." Children
Joke Number. 2826
"My daughter told me that there is a monster who lives in her wardrobe at night. I told her “Don't
be silly, that's just daddy watching you slee... Yes there is... A big one.”" Children
Joke Number. 2827
"I was called in to see my son's Headmaster today. I said, “What's he been up to?” “He tried to
burn down the main building.” He replied. I said, “You're lucky, he succeeded at his two
previous schools.”" Children
Joke Number. 2828
For a laugh on your child's 11th birthday; forge a HogwArts acceptance letter. Children
Joke Number. 2829
"I see that they still can't serve sandwiches at Dunblane School. Evidently it still upsets them
when their asked how many rounds they want!" Children
Joke Number. 2830
"Parents, struggling in the current climate and sick of your kids bugging you for things? Save 3 a
week by making your Phones ringtone the same as your local Ice cream vans melody." Children
Joke Number. 2831
"Children should be seen but not heard. Which is why I've bought a ball-gag." Children
Joke Number. 2832
"What’s pink and divisible by 4? **************************** Baby tied to four horses"
Children
Joke Number. 2833
"My wife just gave birth, which is great because I always said I wanted a child for 4 years or so.
My wife however, wants to keep it forever." Children
Joke Number. 2834
"I remember when I was 5 I had a special condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day. I
was so thankful my older brother told me in time." Children
Joke Number. 2835
"So David Cameron leaves his 8 year old daughter in a pub in Cadsden, Bucks. If that had
happened in Newcastle, the 8 year old would be thinking, “Cooool, a lock in!”" Children
Joke Number. 2836
"I was sitting in my room and heard a little boy outside sneeze. I said bless you, and five seconds
later, I heard a very hesitant....”God?.”" Children
Joke Number. 2837
"Trying to find my way around the new gym I accidentally walked into a room full of young
Children changing. I apologized for the confusion and left. After a few minutes..." Children
Joke Number. 2838
I bought a book of baby names today. Only read a few pages, but so far my favorites are ISBN
938-0325-57613 for a girl, and Copyright 2009 for a boy. Children
Joke Number. 2839
"I'm a lonely middle-aged man without a proper job. In my hours of spare time, I like to drive to
the local schools and chat to the kids. They always leave with a smile on their face; some even
wipe their mouths. I love my ice-cream van." Children
Joke Number. 2840
"I'm not really a violent person but the first time I ever hit anyone was in the school playground.
I was just hanging around, minding my own business when a boy ran into me. Without thinking I
just hit him in the face. The boy started crying and everyone was looking at me. So I just picked
up my kids and left." Children
Joke Number. 2841
My wife swerved to avoid a child last night................she fell out of bed. Children
Joke Number. 2842
"People always give me a funny look when I refer to my son as Thingamajig. But I had to give
him a name I could remember." Children
Joke Number. 2843
Ah Children, you can't beat them ... anymore Children
Joke Number. 2844
My son decided he wanted to leave home this morning and when my wife got in from work she
started blaming my drinking as usual. I said, “I know it was me that left the door open but he'll
be back. He's got nursery tomorrow and he likes that" Children
Joke Number. 2845
"It’s the heaviest snow for two decades today, and I couldn't be more grateful. Just another
excuse for the kids' absence from school" Children
Joke Number. 2846
"What do Children and Dreams have in common? If you follow them both for too long, people
become suspicious." Children
Joke Number. 2847
"My son drank a bottle of bleach earlier. On the plus side, at least now I will have a nice clean
toilet." Children
Joke Number. 2848
"What is the Difference between a lorry load of babies and a lorry load of sand? You can't
pitchfork a lorry load of sand" Children
Joke Number. 2849
I have puppies instead of Children. I'd rather ruin my carpet then my life. Children
Joke Number. 2850
"I love going to the local primary school and watching the kids running and screaming. That
chainsaw was the best Christmas present ever." Children
Joke Number. 2851
"Women should not have Children after 35. Really . . . 35 Children are enough." Children
Joke Number. 2852
"Note to self: When asked to watch someone's kids for the night, don’t reply “I do”." Children
Joke Number. 2853
"Child line are reporting a worrying increase in the amount of calls they're getting from abused
Children. It wasn't like this when I was a lad. We didn't have mobile phones." Children
Joke Number. 2854
"Mummy' the window cleaner is at the door. Are you going to pay him or shall I go out to play?"
Children
Joke Number. 2855
"I was teaching my son farmyard Animals the other day! What noise does a sheep make?
''Baaaaahh'' What noise does a cow make? “mooooo”” What noise does a pig make? ''I set fire, to
the rain'' Good Lad" Children
Joke Number. 2856
"I really need to do something about my pimple problems. I fell asleep at the library the other
day and woke up only to find a blind guy reading my face." Children
Joke Number. 2857
"I am the happiest father in the world! Even after my pregnant wife was attacked by a gang of
muggers, the doctors said that our little girl was still born." Children
Joke Number. 2858
"My girlfriend recently had a phantom pregnancy. We now have a little baby ghost." Children
Joke Number. 2859
"Christmas was ruined for the kids last year with Nan dying suddenly like that. We relied on her
for their bigger presents." Children
Joke Number. 2860
"What is it with women and their morals nowadays? “I'm not like that!” “You're too drunk!”
“Stop! I have a boyfriend!” “Dad, I'll tell Mum!”" Children
Joke Number. 2861
"I was out recruiting for the nursery school I work at today. A woman came up to me and said,
“Hi, can you put my daughter down please?” “What's her name?” I replied. “Never mind that,”
She said. “Just put her down and don't touch her again." Children
Joke Number. 2862
"My 20 year old son complained that I never let him grow up. He's a beaker half empty kind of
guy." Children
Joke Number. 2863
"I've got three Children, one of each. A boy, a girl and a hairdresser." Children
Joke Number. 2864
"I am just about to buy my girlfriend a valentines present online & to be honest I need a bit of
help. Am I right in thinking that a size 8 would fit a big 6 year old?" Children
Joke Number. 2865
"People get all up in arms about priests having relations with young boys, but give them a break.
Those guys almost never get to party." Children
Joke Number. 2866
"A little girl observes at the beach something between a little boy's legs and goes to her mother
asking:- Mammy, why don't I have that between my legs?- Patience darling, patience!" Children
Joke Number. 2867
"I had an unbelievable stroke of luck last night. But why would anyone name their kid 'luck'?"
Children
Joke Number. 2868
When our 10 year old grandson stays with us for the weekend we're not allowed to smoke in the
house. The wife makes us stand outside in the cold. And she wonders why he doesn't like her.
Children
Joke Number. 2869
"My son said “Dad, Can we play cowboys in the garden?” I said “Of course we can” “You
haven't seen Brokeback Mountain have you son?” I added, as I got out my rusty sheriff's badge."
Children
Joke Number. 2870
"I've learned the best way to sooth a crying baby is to not feed it, it’ll stop crying... Eventually"
Children
Joke Number. 2871
"I've just found out that my girlfriends son is not to dissimilar to a blue bottle fly. Once he flew
out of the window the annoying noise stopped." Children
Joke Number. 2872
"Has anyone seen those new speeding adverts? What I don't understand is what that guy takes
the dead kid everywhere with him?" Children
Joke Number. 2873
"The face of a child can say it all. Especially the mouth part." Children
Joke Number. 2874
"I've always been truthful with my son. I don't tell him these lies that other parents use all the
time. He has always known that Father Christmas isn't real, he knows that too much T.V. does
not make your eyes square and he knows he is the reason why me and his mother fell out of love
and got a divorce." Children
Joke Number. 2875
"My girlfriend has just text me: Fancie a bitt of annal tonite? Don't get me wrong it's a lovely
text, but I don't agree with an 8 year old having a mobile." Children
Joke Number. 2876
"Crock's The best way of showing your kids you hate them" Children
Joke Number. 2877
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want? Children
Joke Number. 2878
I always tell my kids, a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet. Largely in the hope that
other parents tell their kids the same thing. Children
Joke Number. 2879
"My young daughter was burning up today so I rang NHS Direct, “how hot is she?” they
inquired. “about 8/10...” didn't seem to go down that well." Children
Joke Number. 2880
A child is for life not just for a council house and benefits Children
Joke Number. 2881
"I saw an interview with a Chinese woman on Sky News the other day. She was talking about
how once she owned a dog as a pet, she couldn't eat dog anymore. I imagine I'll be the same
when I have Children." Children
Joke Number. 2882
Screw these cArtoons, I know a much more effective way to stop child abuse, hand out baseball
bats to Children. Children
Joke Number. 2883
A child is forever, not just a council house. Children
Joke Number. 2884
"My mate asked me to look after his three kids. I don't mind." Children
Joke Number. 2885
"I was holding my son above my head letting him pretend to be superman this morning. When he
got bored he asked me to put him down. Luckily I had a needle and some pentobarbital solution
handy." Children
Joke Number. 2886
"My father used to say “I love kids, but I couldn't eat a full one”. I knew I'd beat my father at
something one day" Children
Joke Number. 2887
My son has been watching Home Alone and getting loads of funny ideas... like spending
Christmas together as a Family. Children
Joke Number. 2888
The worst part about being a paedophile is trying to fit in. Children
Joke Number. 2889
"What's long, hard and hurts babies? My shovel." Children
Joke Number. 2890
"When I awoke in the middle of the night to the scratching on my wardrobe door, it brought back
my old fear of monsters lurking in the dark. Then I realized it was just the kids coming round.
Children
Joke Number. 2891
"Which brand of lager do orphans prefer? Fosters." Children
Joke Number. 2892
"So... My two year old daughter takes my nose and it’s all fun and stuff. But I take her virginity
and I get a prison sentence?" Children
Joke Number. 2893
"After we reached a decision on the abortion, every night I've been given chills up and down my
spine by the haunting screams of a crying baby. I lay there wishing we'd had it. But we made the
choice and we'll just have to cope with an unwanted child." Children
Joke Number. 2894
"I read my 4 year old son his first eBook today. It was a pop-up. He now knows he can meet hot,
young, single girls in his area. And he lived happily ever after." Children
Joke Number. 2895
"My girlfriend and I decided to admit we are trying for a baby. Our father was disgusted."
Children
Joke Number. 2896
"Doctor- I’m afraid were going to have to pull the plug on your son. Mother- I thought you said
he was perfectly healthy? Doctor- Oh I did, but his bath is overflowing." Children
Joke Number. 2897
"My dad didn't care about me as a child. Then he turned 18 and became slightly more
responsible." Children
Joke Number. 2898
"Because of the heat this summer, I've got a lot of bites on my legs... Maybe I should stop
pushing the kids out of the line for the ice cream van." Children
Joke Number. 2899
"I love going to the local water park. I can happily watch young girls getting wet without forcing
them into my van." Children
Joke Number. 2900
"Youth Olympics. Giving paedophiles a social meeting place since 2010." Children
Joke Number. 2901
Thankfully the only time my wife will ever beat me is when we're fighting for the custody of our
Children. Children
Joke Number. 2902
Here at the sweatshop every day is bring your Children to work day! Children
Joke Number. 2903
"My baby boy has been on solids for three and a half weeks this must be the slowest game of
pool I've ever played." Children
Joke Number. 2904
When push comes to shove, you're probably delivering the baby wrong. Children
Joke Number. 2905
Things haven't changed that much in the past twenty years. We used to play cowboys and
Indians, and today I saw my son and his mate playing builders and call-center operators.
Children
Joke Number. 2906
Today, a little kid that looked to be about five came up to me. He asked me, “Wanna see me run
to China and back?" I said yes, thinking he was going to stand in the same spot and say, “Wanna
see me do it again?". Instead, he ran down the street and disappeared from sight. I haven't seen
him since. Children
Joke Number. 2907
"Kids, don’t waste time looking before you cross the road - that ice cream van won't wait
forever." Children
Joke Number. 2908
"I said to my son, “Either you tell your mother what you've done, or I will. Choice is yours, me
or you?” He shouted, “MUM, DAD DID IT.”" Children
Joke Number. 2909
"There are so many fat kids about today and people are complaining! The way I see it there are 3
advantages to it 1: They are more tempted by sweets to come to your car 2: They can’t run away
to fast from you and 3: more cushion for the pushing" Children
Joke Number. 2910
"Just found out that the average cost of bringing up a child is 186,000.
Now where did i put that spade. . ." Children
Joke Number. 2911
"My son was having a bit of a tantrum this morning and I’m ashamed to say I over-reacted a bit.
I put him up for adoption." Children
Joke Number. 2912
"Went down to the running track this morning, and ended up pulling my groin. I couldn't help it.
Seeing all those little athletics kids in spandex pushed me over the edge . . . ." Children
Joke Number. 2913
Kids these days... Getting older by the minute Children
Joke Number. 2914
Why is the speed limit so low around primary schools? So you can pick out the one you want...?
Children
Joke Number. 2915
"My kids got to see Puss in Boots tonight. I have terribly infected feet you see." Children
Joke Number. 2916
"My mate asked me earlier if I had any regrets in life. “Probably just about Children to be
honest” I said. “But don't you have 5 kids?” he asked. “Precisely” I sighed." Children
Joke Number. 2917
'Scouting For Girls', surely they mean Girl Guides Children
Joke Number. 2918
"After thirty years of wondering why he didn't look like his sister and Brother Mark asked his
mother if he had been adopted.' Yes, ' she replied tearfully, ' but it didn't work out so they sent
you back. '" Children
Joke Number. 2919
My 4 year old lost her first tooth today. That'll be the last time she answers ME back! Children
Joke Number. 2920
"I had a beautiful baby girl this morning. Her mother will kill me if I can't find it before she gets
home" Children
Joke Number. 2921
"More people should be made aware of child abuse! They don't know what they're missing!"
Children
Joke Number. 2922
"I said to my son, “You skipped school today to play football.” He said, “No I never, and I’ve
got the fish to prove it.”" Children
Joke Number. 2923
"I've decided to write a Mr. Men book in honour of my unwanted daughter. Little Miss Take"
Children
Joke Number. 2924
"It's fun to watch 3 month old babies taste new things for the 1st time, like ice cream..., or 9-volt
batteries." Children
Joke Number. 2925
"The other day, my son was talking back to my wife. She asked him to do something and he said,
“No! I don't want to.” So I pulled him aside and said, “Son, you have got to teach me how to do
that.”" Children
Joke Number. 2926
"Can't decide whether to have Children or get a dog. It's a choice between wrecked furniture, and
my future." Children
Joke Number. 2927
"A watched pot never boils. However an unwatched child never grows up." Children
Joke Number. 2928
"The kids round my estate are so tough these days. I nearly broke my tooth on one today, fair to
say I just need to add more gravy." Children
Joke Number. 2929
“"He just ran into my car, it wasn't my fault!” “Sir, you parked your car in a school
playground.”" Children
Joke Number. 2930
"So you try and help out by sorting the kids a uniform during the summer holidays! But end up
with a caution for asking staff at Ann Summers if they had a nurse, and French maid uniform for
my 8, and 10 year old daughters." Children
Joke Number. 2931
"I was driving my nerdy kid to school the other day, when he turned to me and said “Dad, how
do I become cool, like you?” I said “Son, there's 2 simple rules: 1 Always act cool, and 2 never
be seen with losers. Now, get out.” He said “But Dad, schools a half mile away!” “Rule 2 son,
rule 2.”" Children
Joke Number. 2932
"Woman phones an ambulance woman “you gotta help me, my waters just broke!” emergency
services “calm down. tell me, where you are ringing from?” woman “the waist down!”" Children
Joke Number. 2933
"I walked into a room in the hospital to find a man and woman sobbing. I said, “I'd like to offer
my condolences.” They said, “No you don't understand, we've just had a baby.” I said, “I know, I
can see it, its minging”" Children
Joke Number. 2934
Ironically, actually having a child is the best form of contraception. Children
Joke Number. 2935
"My plan for the snow: 1. Wait for my 8 year old neighbor to build a snowman 2. Wait for that to
melt 3. Put a suicide note where it melted" Children
Joke Number. 2936
"My 13.00 Shoe Zone shoes for work seem to be failing on me dramatically already. I'll be lucky
to get through the working day on them. The 6 year old who made them obviously hasn't had
sufficient training or was slacking on that particular day. I will be following this up with
customer services so that others like myself will not have to suffer in the future." Children
Joke Number. 2937
"I don’t know why so many people hate it but I really love Twilight. That’s when I do all my
raping." Children
Joke Number. 2938
"My 12 year old daughter says she is old enough to stand on her own two feet. So maybe for
Christmas - I'll sew them back on" Children
Joke Number. 2939
"Kids really haven't got a clue these days. Thanks to my new balaclava." Children
Joke Number. 2940
So remember kids, when the looting begins, always consider the weight/value ratio. Children
Joke Number. 2941
"Well I guess it's almost that time again, Easter. When I can call my son an egghead and he
smiles and considers it a great holiday joke, rather than presuming I'm having another go at him
because of his chemotherapy." Children
Joke Number. 2942
"My wife told me she wanted something 20 inches long, crusty, and full of sperm... So i handed
her our daughter" Children
Joke Number. 2943
"I was looking through my girlfriend’s old school reports. Last year she started drawing inside
the lines." Children
Joke Number. 2944
A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts
them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes
the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says.
"I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because
I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His
son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag." Children
Joke Number. 2945
"I sat as my wife was dying over her bed. “Dave,” she croaked. “Promise me...Promise you'll
make sure our Children are well looked after.” “Don't worry babe,” I replied. “I've already got a
lovely couple lined up; they'll be great foster parents.”" Children
Joke Number. 2946
"A young boy came home from school and told his mother, “I had a big fight with Sidney. He
called me a sissy.” “What did you do?” the mother asked. “I hit him with my purse!”" Children
Joke Number. 2947
"The kids love coming to my house to play with the toys... A Rampant Rabbit feels loads better
than an Action Man." Children
Joke Number. 2948
"According to the new Cow and Gate advert, 'some babies don't get enough iron'. In all fairness,
it is a bit dark down in the mines." Children
Joke Number. 2949
"'Woman hides 3 baby bodies in wardrobe for 20years' Police are looking to question Mr.
Tumnus, Aslan and the White Witch" Children
Joke Number. 2950
I saw a sign outside a school the other day that read: ''Parking here could cost a child's life''.
Surely a few points on your license, or a fine would be a lot easier, right? Children
Joke Number. 2951
In the eyes of the lord I’m sure these trigonometry jokes are a sin. Children
Joke Number. 2952
"People often talk about the child within them, and I can totally relate to that, I always eat
babies" Children
Joke Number. 2953
"My wife and I agreed that we had to set aside our mistakes for the sake of our marriage. We're
putting them up for adoption tomorrow." Children
Joke Number. 2954
It's kind of ironic that they caution pregnant women not to drink alcohol in case it harms the
baby. If it wasn't for alcohol most women wouldn't be that way. Children
Joke Number. 2955
I am getting pretty nervous lately. My little 2 year old nephew is starting to learn how to talk.
Children
Joke Number. 2956
"My little cousin still goes to the pre-school when the teacher asked her “You have 5 apples, you
give half to John, and how many have you got left?” She confidently replied “Four and a half”"
Children
Joke Number. 2957
The chicken crossed the road, knowing this day would be remembered for many years to come
Children
Joke Number. 2958
"Well, if I had to describe one fault of mine, it is that I have a habit of taking my work home
with me. I'm starting to think that it is probably the reason why I lost my last job at the crèche."
Children
Joke Number. 2959
Our school was hard. The playground chase-games were called Electronic Tag. Children
Joke Number. 2960
"Some kids were having a water fight on the street earlier, so I rushed out with the element of
surprised and squirted all of their faces. Then I got my Water-Gun out." Children
Joke Number. 2961
"Little Johnny: “Where's my Fork and Knife?”. Mum : “Beside your Fork and Plate, and stop
swearing”" Children
Joke Number. 2962
"when someone drops their phone, i react as if they dropped a newborn baby. I laugh and I stamp
on it" Children
Joke Number. 2963
"It was my 3 year old son's birthday last week, and he really wanted a Buzz Lightyear toy. I
searched high and low for it, from shop to shop. Finally, after hours of looking, I found it, but it
was fifty quid. I thought that was a bit expensive, but I bought it anyway. He opened his present
on his birthday, and was so excited that he dropped Buzz on the floor and his head fell off. I
couldn't believe it! At least the toy was still in one piece." Children
Joke Number. 2964
You could tell I was going to fail as a parent from the moment I fired up the chain saw to cut my
son’s umbilical cord... Children
Joke Number. 2965
"My young son loves nothing more than sitting for hours cutting things up. I think he's going to
be a bus driver when he grows up." Children
Joke Number. 2966
I love it when it starts getting dark when the kids are finishing school. Children
Joke Number. 2967
If your child is afraid of the dark you can ease their fears by telling them monsters see better with
the lights on. Children
Joke Number. 2968
"After my wife said I was tightfisted, I've finally agreed to let my kids get their faces painted. It
gives me the chance to get rid of those old tins of gloss in the shed." Children
Joke Number. 2969
My kids are like marmite. For sale. Children
Joke Number. 2970
......."And I would've got away with it too, if it wasn't for meddling with kids!" Children
Joke Number. 2971
“"Daddy. I'm too big for these trousers. Look how far my legs stick out” “They're called shorts,
son”" Children
Joke Number. 2972
"I walked in on my son naked the other day. He said, “Dad, put some clothes on!”." Children
Joke Number. 2973
"I always hear that Children are dressing inappropriately these days but my neighbor’s kid is still
dressing perfectly, with the curtains open." Children
Joke Number. 2974
"During my first day of working at a nursery school, a member of staff asked me what I did to
entertain the kids; my reply was “finger puppets”. You should have seen their faces after I
repeatedly shoved my pinky in and out of Edd the Duck." Children
Joke Number. 2975
"Schools have changed since my day. From blackboard to whiteboard. From quill to biro. From
cane to dumbell." Children
Joke Number. 2976
My jokes are like golden showers. Probably inappropriate for Children, but fun to share with
them, all the same. Children
Joke Number. 2977
"My 15 year old son is a mute, he can’t read or write and has very little hearing capabilities. . .
So I bought him a mobile phone to cheer him up." Children
Joke Number. 2978
My neighbor’s daughter is an annoying little squirt, my bed sheets are soaked. Children
Joke Number. 2979
"Why is Santa so jolly? Because you're adopted." Children
Joke Number. 2980
What do down- syndrome babies and jelly babies have in common?? They all look the same and
come in different colors. Children
Joke Number. 2981
You know your ginger when even your imaginary friend’s don’t want to play with you. Children
Joke Number. 2982
"I've just got back from a boy scouts' and girl guides' jamboree. The excitement was intense.
Children
Joke Number. 2983
I'm pretty ashamed about sleeping with the examiner to get a good mark...but I really wanted top
marks in my KS1 SATS. Children
Joke Number. 2984
"I had to give my son a few strokes with my belt today for using the 'C' word in public. I don't
care if 'Chelsea' is the name of a bun as well." Children
Joke Number. 2985
"My wife just shouted at me for smoking inside. As if having to deliver my unborn child in the
back of a taxi wasn't stressful enough." Children
Joke Number. 2986
"I gave my son a quid for eating a hot chili. This is good parenting because he needs to learn to
stop doing stupid things for just 1." Children
Joke Number. 2987
"A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside. Sadly this is a fact and
not a legal loophole." Children
Joke Number. 2988
"They say the laughter of Children is priceless. To me it's their screaming." Children
Joke Number. 2989
"Western consumerism is out of control. The kids don't even accept Haribo anymore. They
demand Ferrero Rocher." Children
Joke Number. 2990
"- Who do you want to be when you grow up? - Pizza delivery man... plumber... gardener... -
DARLING, HE JUST FOUND THE DVD!" Children
Joke Number. 2991
"The proud father handed the baby to the priest for the christening. “And what name have you
given this little boy?” asked the priest. “It's a girl,” said the father out of the side of his mouth.
“You've got hold of my thumb!”." Children
Joke Number. 2992
"Haiti Cemetery... Remind you of a school game? BUNDLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Children
Joke Number. 2993
"Paedophiles are unfairly persecuted. How else are kids meant to get off?" Children
Joke Number. 2994
"I and the Wife have called our new baby boy 'Large'. We pulled his name out of a Hat."
Children
Joke Number. 2995
"I just bought myself a Mr. Whippy van. Now I can do mobile S&M." Children
Joke Number. 2996
You know its cold outside when the dead babies in your shed turn into microwave meals.
Children
Joke Number. 2997
My wife asked me to feed our 8 month old daughter. Hope she likes chips and beer. Children
Joke Number. 2998
"I added my daughter on Facebook yesterday, now people will just laugh when she says “my
daddy is poking me”" Children
Joke Number. 2999
"I got into a philosophical discussion today. I argued, “We have no proof whatsoever of a God or
a heaven. I strongly believe that when you die, you are buried in the ground and eaten by the
worms. Any concept of a soul is scientifically impossible, and all thoughts and emotions are
purely chemical illusions of the human brain. Life, really is just a series of meaningless events...”
It was at this point that my seven-year-old daughter began to cry." Children
Joke Number. 3000
"Dear Children When you look under your bed, what exactly is it you are planning to do when
you find me. Sincerely the Bogeyman" Children
Joke Number. 3001
"I resent being forced into complimenting my friend's Children for doing things that are simply
part of being human and take no special skill. Can you believe how big Bobby is now? Oh wow,
Bobby is so good at growing. You got a real grower there." Children
Joke Number. 3002
"It was an introductory evening for parents and Children at my son's new school yesterday. What
with all the people milling about who didn't know their way round, the head thoughtfully got
some of the prefects to marshal us. It was brilliant. I got to follow 15-year-old girls all evening
and no-one shouted at me once." Children
Joke Number. 3003
"Went into an abortion clinic the other day. They boasted “Service with a smile!” God I love
Henry Hoovers!" Children
Joke Number. 3004
The other day, my neighbor’s son lost all his fingers in a tragic accident, I felt so sorry for him I
went out and bought him an IPod touch. Children
Joke Number. 3005
"What's that Timmy? All of your friends have changed their Facebook pictures to cArtoons?
Well, that's okay then, no beatings tonight." Children
Joke Number. 3006
"After being told I can't discipline my kids, Social Services have now gone one step further, and
decided to take full custody of them. Apparently, after already having had a previous warning,
gluing them together in my garden shed, is just a step too far this time. I'm just so confused.
What happened to if you can't beat them, join them?" Children
Joke Number. 3007
"Little Susie is on her grandparents' farm for the first time. One evening, she sees her grandma
plucking a chicken. “Grandma,” she asks, “do you undress the chickens every night?”" Children
Joke Number. 3008
"I took the kids to one of those play centers yesterday, but never again as it ended in tears. I got
stuck in the twisty tunnel slide and had a panic attack." Children
Joke Number. 3009
Tip - Ruin your friend's kid's summer by telling them mosquitos carry aids. Children
Joke Number. 3010
"What’s the Difference between a scouser father and his son about 12 years" Children
Joke Number. 3011
"The hardest thing about being the manager of an under seven's football team is having to rotate
the squad. After the game, they all want to be pushed on the roundabout for hours." Children
Joke Number. 3012
"I love Halloween, kids come to your house and ASK for sweets! Saves money on petrol for my
van." Children
Joke Number. 3013
"So, childhood obesity is on the rise. It not all doom and gloom, paedophilia levels must have
decreased." Children
Joke Number. 3014
Women shouldn't have Children after forty. Because, really, forty Children should be enough
Children
Joke Number. 3015
My girlfriend won't let me have kids, she just keeps saying stuff like "put those down, they're not
yours" Children
Joke Number. 3016
"There is no denying that society is getting increasingly violent, but too many parents are
wrapping their Children in cotton wool. I still prefer wrapping them in Clingfilm because you
can cut little access holes with a penknife." Children
Joke Number. 3017
"I came in from work earlier to see my son crying on the stairs in hysterics. “What's wrong
mate?” I asked him. “Daddy, I'm having trouble with the girls at school!” he cried. I thought it
was time...I gave him the inevitable talk about 'the birds and the bees' and he sat there and
listened. When I was done he paused...”That's fine daddy but it's not that. They won’t let me play
with their Barbie’s at lunch time and said my legs are too hairy to wear a skirt.” He lives with his
uncle now." Children
Joke Number. 3018
"My son said, “Look Daddy, I didn't wet the bed! That's the 5th time in a row!” I said, “Well
done son, I'm proud of you. If you can manage just 9 more dry nights then I'll take your mattress
out of the shed and put it back in your bedroom”" Children
Joke Number. 3019
"What do Madeline McCann and the wine in my wine cellar have in common? They're both in
my wine cellar" Children
Joke Number. 3020
"My daughter's nappy rash appears to have formed the pattern of a 9x9 grid. Think I need to get
her some Sudokucrem." Children
Joke Number. 3021
I like to drive around in my car blaring songs from an ice cream van just to see those happy little
faces fade when they realize there is no ice cream Children
Joke Number. 3022
"I read today that a young school girl made 100 an hour busking on the streets of London. That's
almost as much as a parking meter would make!" Children
Joke Number. 3023
"My wife said, “I don't like your offensive jokes. They're not funny, they're disgusting and
meaningless.” I said, “So are the kids. But you put up with them.”" Children
Joke Number. 3024
"I like my girls like I like my font size. 12" Children
Joke Number. 3025
"Don't you love a child's laughter? Much better than them screaming 'Stranger'." Children
Joke Number. 3026
On reflection Hamster Merry-Go-Round and other microwave games. Probably wasn't the best
book to give to a nine year old. Children
Joke Number. 3027
Top Tip for School Bullies: Pick on a Kid who lives at an Orphanage. What's the worst he can
say? ''I'm gonna get my Nun on you!'' Children
Joke Number. 3028
"I'm considering becoming a professional clown. I have all the right skills. I suffer from
depression and I like scaring Children." Children
Joke Number. 3029
"I've always thought that parenting was in many ways similar to raising a dog. Which is why I’ve
just left my toddler tied up outside Tesco while i do some shopping" Children
Joke Number. 3030
"Son: “Mum, when I was born what did you wish I'd be?” Mother: “Your father's”..." Children
Joke Number. 3031
"My wife thinks I'm too hard on the kids when it comes to punishment. If she has a problem with
it, she should take it up with the discipline shark." Children
Joke Number. 3032
"I got a letter from my sons school saying he was illiterate I went mental! We got married 3
weeks before he was born" Children
Joke Number. 3033
I am so proud my son has been named head boy, which is a bit strange because he is in year 5
Children
Joke Number. 3034
My little sister got homework to draw things that don't taste very nice. I thought I was busted for
a second but it turns out, she was just drawing a banana. Children
Joke Number. 3035
How many chickens crossed the road? Children
Joke Number. 3036
"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours... If it doesn't, it was never
meant to be. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, takes
your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you've set it free..... You either married it or gave
birth to it." Children
Joke Number. 3037
"I saved a fortune on a magician for my daughter’s birthday party. I told her he was wearing an
invisibility cloak." Children
Joke Number. 3038
"I see Miss Beckham is already on a diet trying to lose that baby weight. “She will never fit into
her new born designer clothes at a chunky 7lb 10” said Posh." Children
Joke Number. 3039
"My wife and I recently decided to make a will. Our daughter Emma needs a brother to play with
and we thought will was a nice name." Children
Joke Number. 3040
"I was in Ads today and saw a mother struggle to smack her out of control child. So I politely
asked her if she wants me to hold her basket, so she could use both hands." Children
Joke Number. 3041
"A new study suggests that people with Children are happier than people without Children.
Clearly, the study wasn't conducted at an airport." Children
Joke Number. 3042 "When I was a kid, if I was ever naughty my mother would yell, “Just you wait until your
father gets back!” She knew it would upset me, because I knew and she knew he was never
coming back." Children
Joke Number. 3043
"Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby? Because you get a womb with a view." Children
Joke Number. 3044
"- Mam you're a liar! - What do you mean? - You said my little brother's an angel. - Yes. Well he
is. - I just pushed him out the window, and he didn't fly..." Children
Joke Number. 3045
"I don't know why parents say to their Children, “Only speak when you're spoken to.” It's not
exactly teaching them good manners, telling them to talk over the top of someone." Children
Joke Number. 3046
"I asked my mum a question today, 'Mum...' I said, ' Am I half Spanish?' 'Why do you ask?'
'Because when I asked Nan who my dad was, she said he was a “Juan Nightstand!” '" Children
Joke Number. 3047
"The kids are off school this week, Not sure what I'm gonna do with myself at half 3." Children
Joke Number. 3048
"My daughter told me about how she was learning about an Artist who hated one of his paintings
so much, he covered it in paint so he could start again from scratch. But in doing this, the effect
of all the different colors was one of the most beautiful things he'd ever seen, so he kept it how it
was. I said to her “That's how I feel about you darling.” “I'm the most beautiful thing you've ever
seen?” she replied. “Yes” I said. “But more importantly... You were an accident.”" Children
Joke Number. 3049
"I just found out that my newborn son has special needs. Like feeding, changing, clothing,
washing...." Children
Joke Number. 3050
"So Mrs. Beckham have given birth to a daughter weighing in at 7lbs 10oz I never realized a
woman could give birth to a baby heavier than herself!!!" Children
Joke Number. 3051
Coco Pops and Milk are a bowl full of fun.... Until you get diabetes. Children
Joke Number. 3052
"It's impossible to cook Children food. I can never fit them in the oven." Children
Joke Number. 3053
"My son has just turned two and so I have just started toilet training. As soon as I can do it all by
myself I'll show him." Children
Joke Number. 3054
"Son: Mom, when me and daddy were on the bus this morning he made me give up my seat for
some lady Mum: Well then you have done the right thing Son: But mum, I was sitting on
daddy’s lap..." Children
Joke Number. 3055
"The wife and I had an argument over kids again. I've wanted to have one for 5 years. She wants
to keep one forever." Children
Joke Number. 3056
We're really hoping the baby will start walking today. If not, we'll have to drive all the way back
to Tesco’s to get it. Children
Joke Number. 3057
"I was at the pub with my mates the other day. After a few too many drinks I accidentally blurted
out 'I beat my kids!' 'At FIFA?' one of my mates asked. Errrm, yes, ok. That's exactly what I
meant" Children
Joke Number. 3058
"What’s the Difference between a baby and a watermelon? Ones fun to squash with a hammer
and the other is a fruit." Children
Joke Number. 3059
Really? I'm the only one who thought baby Jack on Coronation Street looked like a recruit for
the KKK tonight? Children
Joke Number. 3060
After a day of playing in the snow with the kids, it was nice to get back in the house and snuggle
up in bed with them and enjoy the comfort of the warm, cozy bed after our long day in the cold.
Can't wait till I have my own. Children
Joke Number. 3061
I was playing with my son earlier............when I thought 'I wonder if this is going to cause him
any emotional insecurities later on in life' Children
Joke Number. 3062
Continues to be amazed at how quickly the human population is growing. As I see the count rise
above 7 billion people, I can't help but feel the challenge to find Wally is becoming all the more
difficult. Children
Joke Number. 3063
"I hate it when I see parents forcing their kids to have the same hobbies and interests as them
from an early age. I'm going to let my son Obi Wan make his mind up once he's old enough to
decide for himself." Children
Joke Number. 3064
"What is red and dangerous to small Children? Me in my red coat." Children
Joke Number. 3065
"even though I have grown up, I’m still into the same type of girls I was back when I was in
primary school, blonde, blue eyes, slim, five..." Children
Joke Number. 3066
My pregnant wife asked me how I’d feel about a little girl, turning my hand upside down and
twiddling my fingers saying "like that" wasn’t the answer she was looking for Children
Joke Number. 3067
"Toyota Auris Hybrid, it delivers smooth performance as well as ultra-quiet electric driving. So
the Children can’t hear you coming" Children
Joke Number. 3068
I was struggling to think up a sob story to help my son get further on X Factor. Then I realized
entering him was enough Children
Joke Number. 3069
With the growing rates of fossil fuels in our Economy, it will be the naughty kids who have the
last laugh in a few years’ time. Children
Joke Number. 3070
Just become a father for the first time, if my baby is crying does it mean I am doing something
wrong or am I just rubbish in bed? Children
Joke Number. 3071
"What's the Difference between Brussels sprouts and snot? You'll never surprise your kids eating
their Brussels sprouts." Children
Joke Number. 3072
"Children are like rules, made to be broken." Children
Joke Number. 3073
"My 3 year old daughter is like a slinky, of no real use but fun to watch falling downstairs."
Children
Joke Number. 3074
"I came home from work today and my mother-in-law was there playing cards with my young
son. I said to him, “You having a good time son?” He replied, “Yeah Dad, but you were wrong.
I've counted them all and Gran is playing with a full deck of cards.”" Children
Joke Number. 3075
"I've just bought a car with child locks. Now I have to wait for my son to open the door every
time I want to go somewhere." Children
Joke Number. 3076
"I've just seen an app on the app store called cooking with Children! Sounds awesome but where
do I get the kids from?" Children
Joke Number. 3077
"Last night I told to my mate that like to I kidnap Children and hold them hostage. He was
horrified, “How do you sleep at night?” I replied, “On a pile of ransom money, thanks.”"
Children
Joke Number. 3078
Kids may be expensive but i suppose you never know when you gonna need a kidney. Children
Joke Number. 3079
"Due to a lack of funding, the ISPCC can only respond to half the problems faced by Children...
So basically, i have a 50-50 chance of getting away with it?" Children
Joke Number. 3080
"I and my wife are having trouble choosing a name for our newborn son. She wants to name him
after his proud father, but I'd much rather name him after me." Children
Joke Number. 3081
"Two babies are in a pram together. “Are you a little girl or a little boy?” the boy asked. “I don't
know” the other baby replied. “Let me check” the boy giggled. So the boy went under the covers
and came back up after several minutes. “You’re a girl!” the baby proclaimed “You’re so clever,
how did you figure it out?” “It’s quite easy”, the boy explained, “You have pink socks!”"
Children
Joke Number. 3082
Just got back from the hospital after having identical twins. How am I supposed to pick a favorite
now? Children
Joke Number. 3083
Child labour is only temporary, but a diamond is forever. DeBeers. Children
Joke Number. 3084
"As a film fanatic, I see movies in much the same way as I see my Children. In the cinema, every
other weekend." Children
Joke Number. 3085
"I saw a headline today that said “Teenage Binge Drinkers are drinking themselves infertile.”
GOOD. We didn't want them in the gene pool anyway." Children
Joke Number. 3086
"New dad Elton John 'expects prejudice' ...Celebrity baby names are just getting ridiculous now"
Children
Joke Number. 3087
"Children of the 80’s, do you miss the sound of a playing card slapping your bike spokes? Well
now you can recreate that sound by filling the roundabout at your local park with kids , pushing
them so fast they tip their head back, then stop running and put your hand out slapping each kid
in the face !" Children
Joke Number. 3088
So... anyone else notice how Prince Charming said Cinderella was the love of his life yet he had
to check every woman in the kingdoms shoe size to clarify who she was..... Children
Joke Number. 3089
"I told my colleague at work earlier that I was concerned about my son after I caught him
playing with Barbie’s. “Is it really such a big problem? I'm sure he'll grow out of it” he said. “I
doubt it” I replied, “He's 36.”" Children
Joke Number. 3090
"What do you call a girl with pubic hair? Too old." Children
Joke Number. 3091
"Just saw a headline: Beat the child benefit cuts and i wondered to myself, what has the benefit
cuts got to do with anything?" Children
Joke Number. 3092
I'm expecting a baby, if it doesn't get here within half an hour I eat for free. Children
Joke Number. 3093
Wife told me I was too hard when controlling the kids. How did she notice? Children
Joke Number. 3094
"TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer
interested? HAROLD: A teacher." Children
Joke Number. 3095
"There were problems when my baby son was delivered, we were out so they took him round the
neighbors, we had to wait all day to collect him." Children
Joke Number. 3096
I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase, you know, something like 'Ladies and Gentlemen'.
That'll be a cool name for a kid. "This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen"... Then when he gets
out of hand I get to go "Ladies and Gentlemen, please!" Children
Joke Number. 3097
"I was shocked when I received the phone call...During 'Show and Tell' at school my daughter
had revealed bruises all up her arms. Thought I'd made it very clear daddy would hurt mummy if
she ever told anyone." Children
Joke Number. 3098
When I was younger my mom always used to tell me that rain drops were the tears of god, you
could imagine the look on her face when I asked her what snow was. Children
Joke Number. 3099
"My kids love the adventure playground. It keeps them amused for hours. One day I might even
let them have a go, instead of making them watch from their bedroom window." Children
Joke Number. 3100
My son was born with two extra limbs on his body and needed an operation to separate them. It
cost an arm and a leg. Children
Joke Number. 3101
"My wife was holding our baby son in his blanket when he suddenly got sick all over it.’Ugh
disgusting,' I said 'we'll have to get a new one now.' 'Where will we get it?' she replied
'Hmmm...Down in the orphanage I suppose?'" Children
Joke Number. 3102
"If only I had been born a Lego brick. I could have made something of my life." Children
Joke Number. 3103
My wife asked me watch our 6 month old baby in the bath.... I did. .... He drowned Children
Joke Number. 3104
MOTHERS. Don't use poisonous shampoos on your Children's hair to get rid of headline. Scare
them away using a dinner plate and an angle poise lamp to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day'
shadow over your child's head. Children
Joke Number. 3105
I have been leaving notes on people doorsteps late at night, "i hope your kids like dry cereal
because I’ve just knocked your milk" Children
Joke Number. 3106
"My friend once said to me “You can't choose your parents.” In response I just said “Well, they
chose you, seeing as you're adopted.” Oh how we laughed." Children
Joke Number. 3107
"My parents hated me when I was a child. So much so, they got other kids to be in our home
movies." Children
Joke Number. 3108
"Remember the story of Hansel and Gretel? Well that was my version of events anyway"
Children
Joke Number. 3109
"I met a mother and her son in the park today, we got chatting and I said “do you like
impressions?” “Of course who doesn't?” she replied, so I kicked her in the face and ran away
with her son! I left a lasting impression I think..." Children
Joke Number. 3110
"I've always known that my parents always wanted the best for me. The carrier bag i was
abandoned in as a baby was from Waitrose." Children
Joke Number. 3111
"I just saw a 12 year old boy walk into a pub with a rolled up newspaper. As he didn't have his
parent with him, I presume that was his Guardian." Children
Joke Number. 3112
"I had my daughter crying her eyes out today. She caught me hitting her Go-Go hamster with a
hammer. But the tears soon turned to laughter...When she realized it was a real hamster and not
her favorite toy." Children
Joke Number. 3113
"My kids are like my jokes. Every time I have a new one, it gets removed." Children
Joke Number. 3114
Dodgems: The only time I can legally ram young Children. Children
Joke Number. 3115
"Some teenagers standing outside the office asked me to buy them some booze this evening.
They weren't impressed when I took their twenty quid and bought them a bag of wine gums."
Children
Joke Number. 3116
"I made a glue cake for the Children's party today just so I could say the immortal words." "OK
kids, get stuck in”" Children
Joke Number. 3117
"Two of the worlds most searched for people were found in their own homes. Has anyone
checked the McCann household" Children
Joke Number. 3118
"Whenever I see those weekend dads, pushing some screaming brat about in McDonalds, face
like thunder, I really wonder how many times they think to themselves... Was all this really
worth 5 or 6 seconds of pleasure?" Children
Joke Number. 3119
"Paddy's wife just gave birth to twins “Congratulations, do twins run in the Family?” Paddy
replies “Course they funckin' can't they can't even walk yet”" Children
Joke Number. 3120
"Separating Children by academic ability is cruel.... It always ends in tiers." Children
Joke Number. 3121
"My Children had an accident and hurt themselves, whilst playing on my bed this morning.
Which is weird because I had an accident in a bed once but it caused kids." Children
Joke Number. 3122
"Through this sorry sordid affair, let us not forget that John Terry has Children and it's them that
I feel sorry for. Imagine growing up knowing you've inherit his looks." Children
Joke Number. 3123
"BBC NEWS “All baby deaths must be probed” Can like anyone probe the dead babies? If so, I
call dibs!" Children
Joke Number. 3124
Auditions for the lead role in peter pan have started today, I think lad brooks odds of 1,000,000/1
for Gary Glitter might be worth a go Children
Joke Number. 3125
Children in America are so bad at Geography that they only know where a Country is in the
World when they get attacked by them. Children
Joke Number. 3126
"The Beckham's new daughter Harper Seven is said to look very similar to her mother. And at 7
lbs. 100 z, I wouldn't argue with that..." Children
Joke Number. 3127
"Girls are like buses. I never catch them after the chase." Children
Joke Number. 3128
"It is believed that in last decade, more than 2 million Children have died as a direct result of
armed conflict. Which proves that war isn't entirely pointless." Children
Joke Number. 3129
"What a day. I took our newborn son into one of those baby-changing rooms at the shopping
Centre. I came out with Harvey Price. I took him back in and came out with a little Chinese girl.
She'll have to do. I think the wife wanted a daughter anyway." Children
Joke Number. 3130
I think I am going to name my newborn son Dub step so it will be okay to drop him. Children
Joke Number. 3131
"In the news: Rupert Grint has revealed that he has become “obsessed” with his ice-cream van.
“I drive it every day. I get kids queuing up outside whenever I stop.” THAT’S how gingers
attempt to lure friends, or should we be more worried its kids he's luring?" Children
Joke Number. 3132
"People question my parenting skills, but I think my son is like a ray of sunshine. I try and stay
out of direct contact with him." Children
Joke Number. 3133
"I ran over a child the other day in my car, he made a 'badum' sound when I hit him. So later I
ran over a child carrying a cymbal." Children
Joke Number. 3134
I must say - that little bird Abbie Banning in East Enders is really starting to look
rather....................too old for me. Children
Joke Number. 3135
"Teacher: What does a cat say? Little Jonny: It says your 40, single, and desperate for any kind
of contact miss" Children
Joke Number. 3136
I had an argument with my son over changing roles in our game of cops and robbers. And
suddenly I'm the bad guy? Children
Joke Number. 3137
"My Ex-Wife claims that when I have the kids for their monthly visit I just spoil them and throw
money at them. You want the see the bruise a 50p coin can make between one’s eyes if executed
correctly from 2 meters." Children
Joke Number. 3138
"This is how they describe the characteristics of a psychopath. “A pervasive pattern of disregard
for, or violation of, the rights of others. It is defined in different ways, but can involve a lack of
empathy or remorse, shallow emotions, selfishness, grandiosity or deceptiveness; it can also
involve impulsiveness, irritability, aggression, or recklessness.” Now...Doesn't that sound like
everybody's kids at some point..." Children
Joke Number. 3139
The only thing worse than child labour is child unemployment Children
Joke Number. 3140
Following the results of the pregnancy test I bought my wife the biggest, cutest "Congratulations
you're having a period" card money could buy. Children
Joke Number. 3141
"At what age do you switch from puppy to dry dog food? My daughter is 18 months old."
Children
Joke Number. 3142
Apparently two 10 year olds at the same time does not count as a 20year old!!! Children
Joke Number. 3143
Little Susie was highly disappointed when she discovered the blue waffle that her dad gave her
for breakfast wasn't the confectionery delight she was hoping for... Children
Joke Number. 3144
"I saw a poster, which said: “Have you seen this boy?” So I rang up and said, “No, no I
haven't.”" Children
Joke Number. 3145
"I was driving past a school during a driving lesson when my instructor said, “Don't go over 15”
I said, “I won't, there's only one in the road”." Children
Joke Number. 3146
My kids are right whingers, today I was in the back garden just trying to play a bit of footie with
them but all they did was cry every time I got possession, I got so angry at one point I volleyed
the ball right over the fence, which I felt a bit bad about afterwards considering the hamster was
still in it at the time. Children
Joke Number. 3147
When I was in school all the boys used to say rude words that I didn't understand, so I’d go to the
library and do some coloring in. It wasn't long before i gave up my job as a teacher. Children
Joke Number. 3148
"Child lock's a great thing to use. As you get your car crushed..." Children
Joke Number. 3149
Raising kids is like being held hostage by midget terrorists! Children
Joke Number. 3150
"I hate child abuse hurts my hands.." Children
Joke Number. 3151
“"Awwwww it's a beautiful baby boy!!” I said to the parents. I was asked to leave the funeral."
Children
Joke Number. 3152
"After a seven year old in my primary school had his leg badly broken in a nasty tackle playing
football, the school banned us from playing. Well, us teachers anyway." Children
Joke Number. 3153
“"Children to face fitness tests”. Wouldn't mind being the judge of that. I think most kids are
pretty fit..." Children
Joke Number. 3154
"I was banging my girlfriend last night in every conceivable position, when she yelled out “I love
doggy!!!” Funnily enough, I think they were my first words too." Children
Joke Number. 3155
"A boy is walking home to his dad when he finds a used condom on the street so he brings it
home with him and asks his dad what it is. His dad not wanting to tell him what it really is he
says. “That’s a Twinkie and if you can find anymore fore me I will give a quArter for each one”.
So over the next few weeks the boy gathers 20 of these “Twinkies” exchanges them with his dad
all at once. Then the boy decides to get a chocolate bar so he goes to the shop and when he's
getting his money out the cashier goes. “Whoa where d'ya get all those quArters” and he says."
"well I found these Twinkies in the street and sold them to my dad, but before selling i sucked all
the filling out”." Children
Joke Number. 3156
"I was driving along the beach on my first day as a beach safety officer, when I saw a little girl
holding a wire. She was thrashing about with a contorted look of pain on her face. Fearing she
was being electrocuted, I got a shovel form my 4x4 and hit her with it. Thankfully she let go of
the wire. I don't care if people were screaming at me that it was a kite flying contest for the
mentally handicapped, a little girl could have died here!" Children
Joke Number. 3157
"What's the Difference between a baby and fruit? I don't eat fruit." Children
Joke Number. 3158
"Was sat in my briefs watching He-man and Skeleton fight with each other when my brother
walked in and said, “Double or quits, If I win their names go back to Susan and Jennifer.”"
Children
Joke Number. 3159
I tagged Waldo with a GPS device. No more questions. Children
Joke Number. 3160
"The Children have just left to spend the holidays at their grandma's: “I miss them already,” says
the mother with a sigh. “Me too,” says the father. “Could you spill some orange juice on my
trousers?”" Children
Joke Number. 3161
Grr I get more pop-ups then Gary glitter at a daycare Centre Children
Joke Number. 3162
"I was driving home from work today, when all of a sudden a football rolled into the middle of
the road. Luckily I was able to swerve and avoid it, and hit the young child who was trying to
retrieve it." Children
Joke Number. 3163
"I was looking into adopting my second child this week and I made sure to look into three vital
key areas: 1. The cost of adopting said child. 2. The ethnicity of the child. 3. Time it takes to
cook." Children
Joke Number. 3164
"MSN News: NSPCC: Abused Children 'in every school' I knew they couldn't be trusted!"
Children
Joke Number. 3165
"The Sun: “World’s oldest conjoined twins: We have normal, separate lives” I’m willing to bet
they don't" Children
Joke Number. 3166
"Did you know if you left a child’s teeth in a bowl of coca cola overnight they would drown"
Children
Joke Number. 3167
"That difficult moment when you're on holiday and you haven't quite got enough money for the
last few days of the trip. That difficult choice, which one of my Children can I leave in the
apartment?" Children
Joke Number. 3168
"It was a waste of money buying my newborn son a mobile phone. Every time I call, the
babysitter says “He can't speak to you at the moment.”" Children
Joke Number. 3169
"The new campaign for the NSPCC is called: “Change For Children” I'll give them 50p to wash
my car and a pound if they mow my lawn as well." Children
Joke Number. 3170
There's nothing quite like impressing the ladies like heading to the local park and kicking little
kids in the chest while yelling "THIS IS SPARTA" while performing a heroic pose on top of
their bodies. Children
Joke Number. 3171
I'm not saying my wife is ugly but when she just opened the door to trick or theaters, they gave
HER sweets! Children
Joke Number. 3172
"Kids are funny. My eleven year old has been quite happy to come home from school by himself,
and be alone in the house for an hour or so until me or the wife finish work. But as soon as I
mentioned the double murder that took place before we bought it, all of a sudden he starts to wet
himself." Children
Joke Number. 3173
I'm going to call my new-born son "Names", so that name-calling isn't a problem when he's
older. Children
Joke Number. 3174
"News: Harper Seven Beckham is a “mixture” of her parents David and Victoria Beckham. Ok
someone finally found a use for their GCSE Biology." Children
Joke Number. 3175
“"Well, I'm not so sure...” I hesitantly admitted. “Please, think of the Children otherwise doomed
to grow up in poverty!” he pleaded. Dad narrowly managed to convince me to get an abortion."
Children
Joke Number. 3176
"I was carrying bags of shopping home with the kids today, then I dropped one. Luckily the
shopping is alright, but my son has got a fractured arm." Children
Joke Number. 3177
Be wary of Santa’s bearing three knees... Children
Joke Number. 3178
"As I slowly slipped my index finger into my daughters ring she started screaming “please daddy
no, stop it, I hate you. That's it I'm telling mummy.” “Oh Jessica please don't tell your mum, I
won't do it again, I'm so sorry..... I'll buy you another packet Harbor rings." Children
Joke Number. 3179
"I was with the wife earlier at Toys R Us, and she decided to pick up one of those Hula Hoops
and give it a whirl. I'm not saying she's fat but a little Boy who was playing with a Telescope
nearby said “Look Mum, I can see Saturn”." Children
Joke Number. 3180
"Just been announced on the radio that girls as young as 13 are being encouraged to buy the
contraceptive pill over the counter! That should cut down my future CSA payments." Children
Joke Number. 3181
"I want my Children to have all the things i couldn't afford. Then I'll move back in with them."
Children
Joke Number. 3182
"My wife said that our kids are like little cArtoon characters, loud, cute & funny Given that, you
wouldn't believe the fuss she makes when i hit them in the face with a frying pan." Children
Joke Number. 3183
"My son's school project involved him collecting 30 leaves from different trees and bushes. ‘I
really should have put a lock on my greenhouse.' I thought, as I sat in the back of the police van."
Children
Joke Number. 3184
"Contrary to what the experts say, I've always found that if I leave my kids alone they're
generally quite well behaved. Especially when I leave them alone on the central reservation of
the M1" Children
Joke Number. 3185
"My daughter came up to me the other day and said, 'Dad, can I have a new pair of trainers?' I
said, 'You're twelve. Go to Taiwan and make some.'" Children
Joke Number. 3186
"I got arrested for pulling a little girls knickers down, putting her over my knee and spanking her
bottom for misbehaving yesterday. Apparently I am not allowed to do this to someone else's
child in ASDA" Children
Joke Number. 3187
There's a new pill on the Market for dealing with unwanted Children. They're basically nurofen
disguised as smArtest. Children
Joke Number. 3188
Why is it these days kids always scream when they're playing? Children
Joke Number. 3189
"I got my windows reinforced yesterday. Now the kids can't hear the ice cream van." Children
Joke Number. 3190
"Children in Need says 4 million kids are living in poverty and are in need of a hot meal. Well I
can’t provide for them all but I can do a few each night. Solves my need too." Children
Joke Number. 3191
"I saw this Article on being a good Dad on ParentDish.com, which gave the following Advice:
“Get into slinging the baby, then you can go for wonderful walks while we rest (and you'll be the
Centre of attention at the playground too).” So I did this, and now apparently I'm “no better than
Baby’s parents”" Children
Joke Number. 3192
"Every time my partner and I make love is like the first time. Of course for them it usually is."
Children
Joke Number. 3193
"My kids are riveted to the TV at the moment. And if that doesn't work, I've got a welding kit
waiting in the garage." Children
Joke Number. 3194
I asked my son today what he wanted to be when he grows up. He says he wants to be a fireman.
I asked him if he had an urge to help people and save lives but he replied ''no Daddy, I just like
watching people burn to death''. He is such a character. Children
Joke Number. 3195
"I've been teaching my little girl to ride a bike, Today I took the stabilizers off. She sped along
the pavement, clipped the neighbor’s car, went straight through our hedge and hit the garage
door. I thought it was a disaster but the wife called it a successful parking maneuvers." Children
Joke Number. 3196
"Why do math teachers not like dancing? They can't handle the funk." Children
Joke Number. 3197
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't
have said. Children
Joke Number. 3198
"I had a few games of rock, paper, and scissors with son today. He's so easy to beat... I banned
him from playing with sharp objects." Children
Joke Number. 3199
“"But daddy, isn't this wrong” “No, all the girls your age do this with their dads. Now get on this
and ride like you have never ridden before...... And if you can't I'll put your stabilizers back on.”"
Children
Joke Number. 3200
"If I ever have more kids in my household than adults I'll explain to them about democracy. I'll
say that the majority group in the house gets to decide things: what food we buy, where we go to
have fun and what TV. channel. Once they're excited that they'll be able to always take the
majority I'll point out they're not old enough to vote." Children
Joke Number. 3201
"I couldn't be bothered getting my son a costume for his dress up day at school today, so just told
him to take the laptop with him. “How's that dressing up?” my son asked. “Easy, just tell them
you’re a pirate” I replied." Children
Joke Number. 3202
"You're never in the right with kids. First the daughter insisted that I sent the dog out. Now the
son wants me to let mummy back in." Children
Joke Number. 3203
"One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years
old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Grampa
was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea',
which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my
Gramma came home. My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup
of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down
the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a
Gramma would know), “'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is
the toilet" Children
Joke Number. 3204
"When anyone ask me to watch their Children, I ask if their kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy
drunk.” Gets me out of it every time." Children
Joke Number. 3205
"I have a long history of suicide in my Family. The good news is it skips a generation. So if I'm
lucky, my kids will kill themselves." Children
Joke Number. 3206
"I like my Children like I like my jokes. Not getting old." Children
Joke Number. 3207
I suppose I should be happy that I am going to be a father to and a new baby boy. But I am
really going to miss all those hours standing outside school gates. Children
Joke Number. 3208
I was woken up this morning by the neighbors little boy kicking a football against the wall. I told
him to stop that and come back to bed. Children
Joke Number. 3209
"What do Dreadlocks and Children have in common? If you play around with them too much
they get messed up." Children
Joke Number. 3210
Instead of breaching copyrighted material for my Facebook picture, I'm just not going to hit a
child for a while Children
Joke Number. 3211
"'Knock Knock'. “Will you leave your grandmother alone, have a little respect for the dead.”"
Children
Joke Number. 3212
"Interesting that, for a company like Nike, who are constantly battling legal issues regarding
child labour... Their slogan would remain Just Do It." Children
Joke Number. 3213
"I was relieving stress by taking down some targets at the firing range.... .....when suddenly the
swat team broke down the front door of the school." Children
Joke Number. 3214
"What's the Difference between a baby and methyl amphetamine? One can cause adrenal fatigue.
The other is a stimulant drug." Children
Joke Number. 3215
"My 9 year old daughter approached me the other day with THAT question. “Daddy where do
babies come from?” Not wanting to delude her with stories of Stalks delivering babies I replied:
“Well sweet heart what happened was Daddy made a big mess and your mother sat in it”."
Children
Joke Number. 3216
"I'll be watching a few horrors this Halloween. My wife prefers I call them 'our Children'."
Children
Joke Number. 3217
"I lost my kids in the middle of a shopping Centre. The chain obviously wasn't secure enough."
Children
Joke Number. 3218
I became the stag party organizer for my mate the other day. I found a great place we could go, I
promised my mate the girls get wet for you and everything! He didn’t seem impressed when we
turned up at a Children’s swimming pool. Children
Joke Number. 3219
"I was in a restaurant this afternoon when to my surprise I spotted Ryan air boss Michael
O'Leary, feeding his baby daughter. “Open wide, here comes the aero plane!
Nyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrr” he said, before shoving the spoon in her ear, claiming it was 'Mouth
East', and demanding a 5 bib surcharge." Children
Joke Number. 3220
"A teacher asks one of her pupils what he did at the weekend... “I took my dad’s air rifle and shot
next door's cats, Miss,” he replied. She said, “That's awful, did your father punish you?” “No,”
he replied. “Well, not while I still had the gun in my hand.”" Children
Joke Number. 3221
"I and my girlfriend had a problem with washing my baby son’s hair. He would always scream,
kick and cry his eyes out. A friend suggested Johnsons 'No More Tears' shampoo. It worked a
treat! Smacked him round the head with the bottle twice and haven't heard a peep from him in 2
hours." Children
Joke Number. 3222
I am going to name my next child Number 7. Then when he's wondering about his missing
siblings, I'll explain to him how they didn't go to bed when I told them to. Children
Joke Number. 3223
I was telling my young son the story of the Billy Goats Gruff when he said, "He must be a
rubbish troll if he just lives under a bridge scaring goats. I bet he doesn't even have an internet
connection." Children
Joke Number. 3224
"I found out yesterday that I have an 8 year old daughter and it moved me to tears. You should
see what I owe the CSA." Children
Joke Number. 3225
"I made my son a scale version of Noah's Ark with all the Animals and everything using
matches. Shame he's not allowed to play with them." Children
Joke Number. 3226
"I was proud when my son told me he'd joined the commandos. Until I found out he'd just
thrown all of his underpants away." Children
Joke Number. 3227
Theatres are getting child actors in Panto as they cannot afford dwarfs. Some might say it's a
small price to pay. Children
Joke Number. 3228
"NHS doctors suggest foster Children get more psychiatric drugs. Though none strong enough to
conjure up images of parents not abandoning them." Children
Joke Number. 3229
"This hopepipe ban is really hurting my kids. But I guess that’s what happens when you try to fill
the paddling pool with water from the kettle." Children
Joke Number. 3230
"My wife's upset that I give 10 quid a month to send orphans to school in Africa. “You promised
to take care of my sister's Children after she died!” she screamed." Children
Joke Number. 3231
"The new benefits advert; it's not if we catch you it’s when this makes me think Madeleine
McCann should start stealing benefits" Children
Joke Number. 3232
"What Disney taught me as a child; If your Dad isn't king, you're an extra at best." Children
Joke Number. 3233
"My girlfriend said “Your capacity for Childishness seems to be infinite.” I replied “Well your
capacity for Childishness is infinity plus one. So there.” She left me." Children
Joke Number. 3234
Head teachers, why do you allow pupils to rattle their bikes behind the fingering wall ? Children
Joke Number. 3235
"Friends help you find a girl in a club Real friends help you spit roast the 9 year old scout....."
Children
Joke Number. 3236
"I was in town earlier when a woman with a Charity tin came up to me and said “Care to help
Children with cancer?” As much as I'd love to, I don't really have the capital funding or the
Technology to accelerate malignant bone marrow cell growth. So I gave her a cigarette."
Children
Joke Number. 3237
Checking into "Maddie's Hide Out" on Facebook is a good way to get yourself deleted. Children
Joke Number. 3238
"Beckham gets a lifetime achievement award... That's a bit like Fritzel getting voted father of the
year." Children
Joke Number. 3239
"I love taking the kids to the park, then taking them home, bathing them and putting them to
bed... one day I'll take my own." Children
Joke Number. 3240
Bing Horn? Now I know Matt Bellamy is in to his music but is there any need to call your child
after two sounds? Children
Joke Number. 3241
"My mate: “What's with the bouncy castle? I said “It isn't a bouncy castle, I'm fumigating my
shed for termites.” Him: “Oh, well it looks a lot like a bouncy castle...” “I guess that explains all
the dead kids...”" Children
Joke Number. 3242
"I desperately wanted to buy my sweet daughter a pair of prosthetic leg blades for Christmas.
They are just a revolutionary invention, and really help amputees have mobility. She would just
love me with all her heart and it would be such a special gift for my beautiful battling girl.
Anyway, I don't want to jump the gun and get my hopes up... after all I still have to hack her legs
off." Children
Joke Number. 3243
The phrase “If you love someone you let them go, and if it was meant to be it comes back"
doesn't apply when holding your newborn baby, I recently found out. Children
Joke Number. 3244
"I said to my son, “Would you like to play a little game for money?” He said, “Ok, what's the
game?” I said, “Every time you kick your mum's backside, I'll give you twenty pence.” Best
17.60 I've ever spent." Children
Joke Number. 3245
"Never take a dummy from a child. They may become pacifier-gressive." Children
Joke Number. 3246
"This bloke in the men’s toilets looked at me funny earlier when I used the urinal that was set
lower down than all the others, despite other regular size ones being free. Although on reflection
it could have been because his toddler was already using it at the time." Children
Joke Number. 3247
"I sat down with my young son today to introduce him to news programmers, you know educate
him from an early age. The bright colours and the simple language are really useful for him. I'm
glad we have programmers like ITV news for our kids." Children
Joke Number. 3248
I saw my ex the other day. Turns out she is married with a baby. What idiot marries a baby?
Children
Joke Number. 3249
The word paedophile literally translates to 'Child Enthusiast.' Over enthusiastic much? Children
Joke Number. 3250
"My P.E Teacher: “That's it, one more push and then you can rest. You're using those muscles
you've never used before”. Story of how I lost my virginity, aged 12." Children
Joke Number. 3251
Yay so Santa came during the night... just wish I had a tissue to whip it off though. Children
Joke Number. 3252
"A man being in a kitchen is like a necrophilia in a nursery, it just isn't right." Children
Joke Number. 3253
"I thought I was the coolest kid when I was younger because everyone dressed like me. Until I
realized school uniform was mandatory." Children
Joke Number. 3254
"Kids. If you can't beat them, don't have them." Children
Joke Number. 3255
"Punch an orphan. Who are they going to tell? Their parents?" Children
Joke Number. 3256
"The wife and I have different opinions on parenthood: I wanted to have a baby for 5 years... but
she wants to keep it forever" Children
Joke Number. 3257
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee Children
Joke Number. 3258
My girlfriend told me last night that she thinks it's time for us to start thinking about
Children....... I’ve been doing that for years, I’m glad she's on board. Children
Joke Number. 3259
"Last night, before my son went to bed, he was telling me how much he hates his teacher. He
was saying things like, “He's an idiot” or “he's out to get me”. This is the last thing I wanted to
hear, as he is home schooled." Children
Joke Number. 3260
"Just been down the beach helping my daughter catch crabs. Do the GUM clinics treat kids too?"
Children
Joke Number. 3261
"I thought it would be hilarious naming my kids Frank and Stein, just to see the look on people's
faces when they ask if I have Children. And I was right. It is. I mean, what sort of name is Stein
anyway?" Children
Joke Number. 3262
"I don't see what the problem is with these health warnings about Children and plastic bags. I
gave one to my son this morning, he's been quiet for hours now." Children
Joke Number. 3263
"There was a familiar wakeup call at 6.30 this morning. “DADDY. I done a toilet. Can you wipe
me?” It was so cute. “I'll do it this one last time, but you're a big boy now and you must learn to
do this yourself. Wow! Somebody has a messy bot bot” “Cut the chit chat Dad or I'll be late for
work”, I said" Children
Joke Number. 3264
"My kids loved it when I threw them down the waterslide. They weren't so keen on the
landslide!" Children
Joke Number. 3265
"Today, my 4-year old son came running in to the kitchen, yelling: “I want to be a ninja when I
grow up!” Can't wait to tell him he's a dwarf" Children
Joke Number. 3266
“"My wife's off her nut. She keeps complaining that I don't care enough about the kids.” “How
many have you got then?” “Three, maybe four ...”" Children
Joke Number. 3267
After a long and costly legal battle, I found out you're unlikely to be granted custody if they're
not your Children to begin with. Children
Joke Number. 3268
"My 5 year old son just invented a brilliant reusable tissue! He calls it his tongue." Children
Joke Number. 3269
"Premature greyness is hereditary. You get it from your kids." Children
Joke Number. 3270
"With babies, they say breast is best. I don't mind which part I eat as long as there's gravy."
Children
Joke Number. 3271
"'Children need to see disabled people on TV to get over their fear' says one-armed presenter
Cerrie Burnell. On the other hand... oh wait." Children
Joke Number. 3272
"BBC NEWS HEADLINE: 'Sterling hits 19 month euro high' so what you’re saying is, Old man
hits druggy baby." Children
Joke Number. 3273
"My baby nephew has been really whingy and whiney since he got rubber on his arm from the
tread making machine at the Michelin factory tour. He's just tired." Children
Joke Number. 3274
There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came
around to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told his uncle to
give him an addition question, so the uncle asked "What is 3 plus 4?" The little boy counts it on
his fingers and says "Seven" The uncle said , "Listen kid, you can't count it out on your fingers
because some day when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your
hands in your pockets." So the boy puts his hands in his pockets and the uncles says "Now what
five plus five?" The uncle seen movement in the boys pockets, then the boy answered, "Eleven"
Children
Joke Number. 3275
"The other day I was in the process of buying a pair of Nike shoes, when a man came up to me
and said: “Are you sure you want to buy a product that a small Indian child was forced to make
for the equivalent of 5p?” I replied: “Somebody has to employ them.”" Children
Joke Number. 3276
"I love dog owners. Always happy to let you have a good old stroke of their beautiful dogs when
you ask. Can't say the same for parents, mind..." Children
Joke Number. 3277
"What did Michael Jackson & Santa have in common? They both left kids bedrooms with their
sacks empty..." Children
Joke Number. 3278
Two Girls One Cup. Some may call it sick, I just call it a good way to teach kids to share.
Children
Joke Number. 3279
"I spent yesterday at the zoo looking after my Children. They seem much happier now they're all
in the same cage." Children
Joke Number. 3280
"I said to my son, “What did you do at school today?” He said, “We learnt about all the capitals.”
“How many do you know?” I asked. He said, “All of them.” I said, “All of them, are you sure?”
He said, “Yes, they're just like the small letters, but you write them a bit bigger.”" Children
Joke Number. 3281
"My long term girlfriend looked furious when I told her I hated Children and never wanted to
have any. Especially as she had just told me she was pregnant." Children
Joke Number. 3282
"I finally sat my 12 year old son down and had the talk with him. Now he understands why his
mum lives in the kitchen." Children
Joke Number. 3283
So my wife went all funny and got a bit upset when I bought our 13 year old daughter some veet
hair removal cream for her birthday... Children
Joke Number. 3284
"A cloned cow has been put on the market and is ready to be eaten. This could be harmful. Lives
are at stake." Children
Joke Number. 3285
"My son just told me that I wasn't the “boss” of him. So I sat him down and showed him a 65
slide PowerPoint to justify my management position." Children
Joke Number. 3286
"How can you tell if your girlfriend is too old? She's started getting homework" Children
Joke Number. 3287
Sold my daughters virginity to a Family member. She doesn't know yet. Her uncle Steve won.
That's not MY brother, it’s my wife's brother, in case you thought I was a sicko. Children
Joke Number. 3288
"I don't know why my Children hate bubbles so much. I only took them to the never land ranch
once." Children
Joke Number. 3289
I see Ubisoft have released a new "Michael Jackson: The Experience" computer game. I look
forward to buying it for my kids and then playing with them. Children
Joke Number. 3290
"Whilst we were driving home I was trying to show my wife the correct use of the throttle. It's by
far the best way to shut the kids up." Children
Joke Number. 3291
"I believe in letting the inner child out... once they've earned their freedom" Children
Joke Number. 3292
"I lost my Virginity the other day, and I rang around all my friends to tell them, and they all said
I should ring the police! So I rang the police and told them, and they said I was wasting police
time and could receive a fine! My missus said that’s the last time she lets me name any of our
kids." Children
Joke Number. 3293
"I saw on the news there the headline “Has China mother had octuplets?” ...or is she just a nanny
for 8 unrelated kids?" Children
Joke Number. 3294
"I have a third party, fire and theft policy. And sadly, because of that, I no longer get invited to
three-year-Old’s birthday parties." Children
Joke Number. 3295
My wife told me she's pregnant with a girl. That's great, I can save 20% on allowance! Children
Joke Number. 3296
"My wife hates it when our baby kicks her. I say baby, he's nearly two now, but at least he's a
quick learner." Children
Joke Number. 3297
I was in Portugal a few weeks back when I saw the cutest little 3 year old girl and I found myself
thinking, 'When in Rome...' Children
Joke Number. 3298
"I'm such a convincing guy, that I was actually able to sell ice to an Eskimo. Besides, I always
regretted naming my kid ice." Children
Joke Number. 3299
Parents who never thought things through when naming their child no. 96: Phil McCrevis
Children
Joke Number. 3300
"Thought I’d teach my kids how to overcome their fear of heights today, so I dropped them off
their school." Children
Joke Number. 3301
"What is 12” long and makes a woman moan all night? Sudden Infant Death Syndrome."
Children
Joke Number. 3302
If you're supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Children
Joke Number. 3303
"I had to babysit my sister's infant the other day, and I had the world's worst headache, because
the young baby wouldn't stop crying. And I knew for sure that it wasn't because of food, sleep,
poo or wee. Because I did all of them, and my headache still didn't disappear." Children
Joke Number. 3304
I'm not saying I'm a bad parent or anything but it did take a photo on a milk cArton before I
realized my son was missing. Children
Joke Number. 3305
You know you've got a problem when your second kid starts walking before your first. Children
Joke Number. 3306
"I've been thinking of opening a school for disadvantaged kids. All I gotta do is master the Art of
disguising myself as the Queen." Children
Joke Number. 3307
"Sky News: 'See Dannii Minogue's Baby Boy - On Twitter'. These kids are so advanced these
days." Children
Joke Number. 3308
"All this snowy weather is letting the little boy inside of me take control. To be honest, I quite
like getting tied up while he rides me." Children
Joke Number. 3309
"I hear Victoria Beckham was offered gas and air while in labour with her new baby, apparently
she wasn't hungry at the time" Children
Joke Number. 3310
"Children in Need is raising awareness for Leukemia in young Children. Sponsored by
Marlboro." Children
Joke Number. 3311
"Why did the boy drop his lolly pop? Because he got hit by a car." Children
Joke Number. 3312
"I love the way Children look when they're asleep. Vulnerable." Children
Joke Number. 3313
"I saw some tightrope walkers the other day. What a weird flavor for a packet of crisps." Circus
Joke Number. 3314
"How do you stop a clown from laughing? Hit it in the face with an axe." Circus
Joke Number. 3315
"I'm doing community service at a funfair but today I stole a wobbly mirror. I just hope it doesn't
reflect badly on me." Circus
Joke Number. 3316
"I have just been offered a job as a clown. My boss told me the other guy was good. Seems to me
I'll have some big shoes to fill." Circus
Joke Number. 3317
"It was such a shame to hear that the human cannonball that lost his life the other day. His career
was just taking off." Circus
Joke Number. 3318
"After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the
circus owner he was going to retire. “But you can't!” protested the boss. “Where am I going to
find another man of your caliber?”" circus
Joke Number. 3319
"How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler." Circus
Joke Number. 3320
"What's a circus master's favorite type of cigarette? A roll-up." Circus
Joke Number. 3321
"Went into a party shop earlier and was horrified at the prices of Balloons. The rate of inflation
on them is ridiculous." Circus
Joke Number. 3322
"I was looking through the employment section of the paper today and saw a vacancy for an
acrobat, I thought, perfect, I could do that standing on my head.." circus
Joke Number. 3323
"Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his Stilton."
Circus
Joke Number. 3324
"On my first day as a human cannonball my boss said, “I'm going to have to let you go.” “You
can't fire me,” I replied. “That's exactly why I'm letting you go,” he said." Circus
Joke Number. 3325
"My eight year old son told me there was nothing scarier than a clown. One night, whilst he was
sleeping, I hung a dead clown above his bed. Safe to say, I won that debate." Circus
Joke Number. 3326
"I've been walking on a tightrope ever since I had an argument with my boss. I don't care if he
owns the circus, I'm supposed to be the bearded lady." Circus
Joke Number. 3327
The phrase: "act your age, not your shoe size" is severely negated by the actions of clowns.
Circus
Joke Number. 3328
"A clown tried to start a fight with me earlier today. I said: “Listen mate, you don't want to fight
me. I'll make you look silly.”" Circus
Joke Number. 3329
"A drunk clown walks into a shop next to a bar. The shopkeeper says 'This Jokes gone one step
too far'" circus
Joke Number. 3330
"There's been talk at the circus of making our extreme knife throwing act redundant. I'm
currently facing the axe." Circus
Joke Number. 3331
"I started my new job as a clown today, and I found my feet immediately. Not surprising, really,
they're bright red and absolutely enormous." Circus
Joke Number. 3332
"I just saw this idiot with bright red hair, going down the road on a unicycle whilst juggling.
What a clown!" circus
Joke Number. 3333
"I was knocked over by a clown car! Luckily, 17 people got out to help." Circus
Joke Number. 3334
"I was supposed to pick up seven professional clowns today. But I couldn't find a car small
enough." Circus
Joke Number. 3335
"I was nervous at first, but once i felt it easily slide down the back of my throat, I jammed the
rest in. Circus Sword Swallower seems like a natural transition after college." Circus
Joke Number. 3336
"I was stuck on the M6 behind a huge lorry carrying a fairground ride doing 20mph yesterday.
Everyone was screaming at him but he wouldn't go any faster." Circus
Joke Number. 3337
"A clown was taking the mickey out of me earlier so I said to him, 'you're dead, funny!' He said,
'thanks.' So I shot him in the chest." Circus
Joke Number. 3338
"I got an email from a circus the other day but I couldn't open the attachment. Apparently it had
been created with a dopey acrobat." Circus
Joke Number. 3339
"Before my father died he worked in a circus as a stilt walker... I used to look up to him..." circus
Joke Number. 3340
"My dad raised me single handedly when I was a child. But that's life when you’re born into a
Family of circus acrobats." Circus
Joke Number. 3341
"My girlfriend is leaving me because she thinks I'm a buffoon. So, with a heavy heart, I selected
the most depressing of my 'unhappy horns' and honked the saddest of honks. “Honk”." Circus
Joke Number. 3342
"My wife was a great sword-swallower in the circus when we met. Not my choice, but her
amazing talent soon became neglected shortly after our wedding." Circus
Joke Number. 3343
"A man decides to join the circus. The ringmaster agrees to watch his act in the big top to see if
he is suitable. The man climbs a tall tower and jumps off flapping his arms wildly. After a few
seconds his fall slows and he soars forward, swoops up, turns and stops in midair then gently
glides to the ground. He turns and smiles at the ringmaster, ' what do you think, ' says the man.
The ringmaster looks unimpressed and replies, ' Is that all you can do, bird imitations? '" Circus
Joke Number. 3344
"I used to work in a circus as the human cannonball. But I left after they fired me." Circus
Joke Number. 3345
"I used to get this funny feeling when I was a kid. I was mo----ed by a clown on a daily basis."
Circus
Joke Number. 3346
"The midget human cannonball missed his target killing the bearded lady in the process. It was a
freak accident." Circus
Joke Number. 3347
"BBC News: “Cameron to work with solei stars”. Makes sense, the clown joining the acrobats,
completes the circus act." Circus
Joke Number. 3348
"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."
Circus
Joke Number. 3349
"My new girlfriend is a tightrope walker. She keeps asking me to check her equipment and repair
it if there is a fault. I am enjoying our relationship but I didn't realize it would be so high
maintenance." Circus
Joke Number. 3350
“"Try walking in my shoes” said the clown." Circus
Joke Number. 3351
Panorama; advertising pirate bay and vuze... it’s like the police giving out free drugs circus
Joke Number. 3352
"Just mugged a couple of clowns outside the circus. I told them not to try anything stupid."
Circus
Joke Number. 3353
"What is the Difference between the armed forces and a circus? In the circus you don't have to
salute the clowns." Circus
Joke Number. 3354
If red bull gave me wings I'd hover above a farm and mock chicken’s circus
Joke Number. 3355
My daughter has been going out with a clown for 25 years now. I don't think she will ever have a
serious relationship. Circus
Joke Number. 3356
"How do you know if someone has an iPhone? They tell you." Communication
Joke Number. 3357
"Most popular iPhone App of the month: Public Telephone Box Locator." Communication
Joke Number. 3358
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you. Communication
Joke Number. 3359
"LG smArt phones...for those who can't afford iPhones... Or a BlackBerry... Or a Nokia... Or an
Ericsson... Or 2 cups and a piece of string." Communication
Joke Number. 3360
Am I the only person eagerly awaiting a Sickipedia iPhone app? Communication
Joke Number. 3361
"Bluetooth. Allowing dads to craftily send naked pictures of their son's girlfriends to their own
phones since 1994." Communication
Joke Number. 3362
"I've recently started work as a mobile mechanic and drive around in a tow truck all day. I don't
know why I need a big truck, most of the time I just change the battery or wiggle the Sim card
about." Communication
Joke Number. 3363
"A young lady went to a local psychic. “Who would you like to contact, my dear?” The psychic
asked. “My mother,” she replied. “Wait there, I think I'm getting something. Yes, yes, she's here
- your mother's spirit is here.” “Really?” “Yes, it's your mother, she's here.” “Mother, is it really
you?” “Your mother says, 'Don't worry dear,' that she loves you and she wants you to get on with
your life.” “Oh good,” replied the young lady. “Can she hear me?” “Yes, my child, your mother's
spirit can hear you.” “Okay, Mum, just to let you know I have no change for a phone call, and I
need you to know I won't be back for dinner as I'm staying over at Eric's, so see you some time
tomorrow, love you.”" Communication
Joke Number. 3364
"What's all this fuss about 3D TV all of a sudden? My TV's always been 3-dimensional."
Communication
Joke Number. 3365
"I've just spent 2 hours on the phone comforting my friend who got dumped and I think I've been
really helpful. But Vodafone's taken all the credit." Communication
Joke Number. 3366
“"Apple iPhone 4 users have trouble making calls” That’s because they have no friends to ring"
Communication
Joke Number. 3367
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
Communication
Joke Number. 3368
"I keep getting these annoying texts. You know the ones where they keep sending more and
more of them. I finally had enough today and sent STOP to the offending number. Didn't work
though; just have a reply saying something about missing our wedding day?" Communication
Joke Number. 3369
"My wife said she's leaving me because 'I'm not an effective communicator.' I'll e-mail her about
it tomorrow." Communication
Joke Number. 3370
All these Facebook statuses about X Factor are ridiculous, I can’t believe how no one has
commented on how Robson Green just caught his biggest catch yet on Extreme Fishing.
Communication
Joke Number. 3371
"I've decided that I want my Children to have a traditional childhood, so I spent last Sunday
showing my son how you could communicate at distances of up to half a mile using just two
empty baked bean cans and a length of string. I was having a brilliant time, until I got a text
message from him to say that it was working." Communication
Joke Number. 3372
"Sky called me today and asked for some customer feedback... ...so I squealed down the phone at
them." Communication
Joke Number. 3373
You know you're unpopular when 118 ignore your texts. Communication
Joke Number. 3374
"My mate came up to me the other day and asked, “How's it going?” “Same old, same old,” I
replied. “Yourself?” I added. “Can't complain,” he said. Blokes: Saying nothing in particular
since the dawn of time." Communication
Joke Number. 3375
"When asked “What would be your dream job once leaving school?” in a recent poll, 99% of 11-
16 year olds wrote: “My dream is too work in a sweat shop!” Say what you like about the kids of
today, they may be illiterate but they aren't scared of hard work!" Communication
Joke Number. 3376
"My wife left the computer for a few seconds and came back in accusing me of tampering with
her emails! I quickly changed the subject." Communication
Joke Number. 3377
"A friend of mine said she was going to spend the day “Just lolling around the house” I couldn't
see what she found so funny." Communication
Joke Number. 3378
Whoever invented iPhone spell checker is a complete and utter tear. Communication
Joke Number. 3379
"I was in my hotel room and couldn't get a signal on my mobile, so I went down to the lobby.
They've got reception there." Communication
Joke Number. 3380
"All my mates keep laughing at me because I’m on a Pay-As-You-Go mobile phone. So I took
out a contract.........And got them killed." Communication
Joke Number. 3381
"So I'm in JFK airport with my 3 kids Alex, Kyle and Ida. They all go missing whilst going
security and I start to panic. So I ask if I can use the tannoy to call out for them.... very
innocently I shout out “AL-KY-IDA” I don’t remember much of what happened next...."
Communication
Joke Number. 3382
"My mate rang me and asked “What are you up to?” “Nothing much,” I replied “I'm just sitting
here in a lecture about mobile phone etiquette. So, how was your weekend, mate?”"
Communication
Joke Number. 3383
I just rang the Halifax bank and got a message saying that due to adverse weather conditions they
are short on staff and it may take longer than normal to answer my call. I didn't even know it
could snow in India? Communication
Joke Number. 3384
"I bought at Enigma machine off eBay last week. I'm still trying to work the instructions out."
Communication
Joke Number. 3385
Mobiles: A way to speak to yourself without anyone noticing. Communication
Joke Number. 3386
"Created a group on Facebook last year - the “Fear of commitment club”... Can't figure out why
it’s still got no members..." Communication
Joke Number. 3387
Now I use Facebook, I think that since I left school they must teach girls to use an 'x' instead of a
full stop. Communication
Joke Number. 3388
"Apple really aren't being very original with their Technology. There was the iPod, a
revolutionary product that changes the world of music but all they've done since is whack a
phone on it and make it bigger... Maybe they should come up with a new idea." Communication
Joke Number. 3389
"I've been bombarded with dirty picture messages and kinky texts all morning. It's all well and
good, but this is my mum’s phone." Communication
Joke Number. 3390
The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line. Communication
Joke Number. 3391
"The other day I was browsing the forums! Someone was excited about being able to Google
their user name and it would bring up said name and Sickipedia jokes from them. “Well,” I
thought, “I will give it a go.” So I Goggled away and it took me straight to the obituaries - I
hadn't realized I had that many jokes buried." Communication
Joke Number. 3392
Why is it that the most important part of a voicemail is always the hardest to hear?
Communication
Joke Number. 3393
Sickipedia on your mobile phone; like having a ginger hating rapist pulling wisecracks in your
pocket... Communication
Joke Number. 3394
"I was exchanging emails with a 45 year old bloke for ages and we arranged to meet. When I got
there, it turned out to be some really fit bird my age. How disappointing." Communication
Joke Number. 3395
"I went into the estate agents today I said “Hi, I wondered if you could help me I have a flat?”
The estate agent said “Oh, are you looking to sell it?” I said “No, I'm looking to blow it back
up.”" Communication
Joke Number. 3396
"*IF YOU CAN READ THIS* Then you're probably not using a Blackberry" Communication
Joke Number. 3397
"O2 is the most unselfish lover ever. It’s just gone down on the whole country." Communication
Joke Number. 3398
"What would you do with your unlimited texts from orange, if you top up just 15 per month
using their new offer? I'd text o2 and thank them for coming up with the idea three years ago..."
Communication
Joke Number. 3399
"Did you hear about BT's new invention? Speed dole" Communication
Joke Number. 3400
"I've started a mobile phone network that covers 1% of the UK. I'm going to sell it to Vodafone."
Communication
Joke Number. 3401
"As a student nurse I had little money for meals so I ate the awful food provided at the hospital
canteen. I often took my break in the ward kitchen and sometimes kindly visitors would hand in
treats they had brought for patients who had not wanted to eat them. One night a woman brought
a pie to the kitchen and said, ' Would you eat this up, love. ‘The pie was absolutely delicious, full
of meat with a light golden pastry, I ate it in next to no time. Soon the woman returned and said, '
Is me 'husbands pie 'to enough yet? '" Communication
Joke Number. 3402
Who else joins the 'Lost my phone, numbers please...?’ Facebook groups, just to rob the numbers
of people you'd never normally get them off Communication
Joke Number. 3403
Texting - Because a 5 minute conversation should take all day. Communication
Joke Number. 3404
"I just got a weird text from my best friend saying, “Mate, I'm actually in the future right now
and robots do absolutely everything for us humans” Sent by my android." Communication
Joke Number. 3405
"I met this really cute girl I thought was way out my league last week in a club. I thinks she was
a bit drunk but it seemed to help and I got her phone number! Now she texts me all the time: 'pls
stop texting me' 'i dnt want u fllwing me agen' 'wht wer u doin in my grdn lst nite?' 'im goin 2
call the plc'" Communication
Joke Number. 3406
"My wife was on the phone sorting out our insurance. “And your postcode?”, asked the operator.
“TW7 5HQ”, my wife replied. “That's T for train, W for woman, H for house and Q for Cuba.” I
swear to God I could've slapped her!" Communication
Joke Number. 3407
“"IPad. There's no right way and no wrong way”- to hold it. If only the iPhone was this
advanced" Communication
Joke Number. 3408
I update my Facebook status using my Blackberry so as people think I am out and have a life.
Communication
Joke Number. 3409
"Did you know that the Bluetooth mobile headset was invented by a German man? Hans Free."
Communication
Joke Number. 3410
"My wife asked “Did you remember to send that fax for me?” “Yes” I replied “I sent it this
morning.” “Ha got you!” she said “You didn't send it, I've just seen it on your desk.”"
Communication
Joke Number. 3411
“"100 million Facebook users' data published” I don't see what the fuss is about; if you go on
sickipedia you can read their Facebook status' first hand." Communication
Joke Number. 3412
Facebook E-Mail: Same as the average e-mail except you can't remove Zuckerburg from the CC
list and your e-mails are viewable by the world the day they decide to change the Facebook
security options Communication
Joke Number. 3413
"A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like, 'What's your favorite color?' A
quick way to end a conversation is to say something like, 'What's your favorite color person?'"
Communication
Joke Number. 3414
I got a message on my mobile about the future. It was predictive texting. Communication
Joke Number. 3415
"My wife said “ We don't seem to understand each other these days. Why can't we just get
along?” “A long what?” I asked." Communication
Joke Number. 3416
"I've finally learnt the Art of throwing my voice", said my kettle. Communication
Joke Number. 3417
"Got a text off Orange today saying “why not try orange Wednesdays?” Probably because it’s a
Thursday." Communication
Joke Number. 3418
"Dear, Chicken. I have no idea why everyone wants to know why you crossed the road, I'm not
impressed. Sincerely, the cow that jumped over the moon." Communication
Joke Number. 3419
"Cheryl Cole has been axed from The X Factor by Simon Cowel, because people couldn't
understand her accent. Shame we can't have Simon in charge of telephone banking in the UK?"
Communication
Joke Number. 3420
My inability to use emoticons correctly is really getting me down :) Communication
Joke Number. 3421
"Never tell a woman that she is over-reacting..... She'll only over-react" Communication
Joke Number. 3422
I have created a Twitter account called "The Yellow Brick Road" and I am going to follow it
Communication
Joke Number. 3423
"I'm more of a haha than an lol kinda person But sometimes I actually meet real people!"
Communication
Joke Number. 3424
"My wife sobbingly said “Nothing I do makes any sense anymore.” “Stop talking nonsense” I
said." Communication
Joke Number. 3425
Anyone else get seriously excited when they receive their first text message for about a month,
then rapidly that excitement goes when they find out it's from Orange. Communication
Joke Number. 3426
Excellent personality test: type in 'coal' to your predictive text and see what comes up first.
Communication
Joke Number. 3427
"I rang my friend up earlier with my iPhone 4. I thought hang on a minute..." Communication
Joke Number. 3428
"Difference between Chris Moyle’s and his listeners? His listeners eventually grow up."
Communication
Joke Number. 3429
I asked my wife where my dinner.....was she went on a right one, screaming that if I gave her a
hand it would be done quicker... so I gave her a hand......... a right one........ I'm still waiting for
my dinner and she seems to be having a kip on the kitchen floor. On the positive side she's gone
all quiet now..... Communication
Joke Number. 3430
Life is too short to make mistakes Communication
Joke Number. 3431
"I phoned the police today. We hadn't chatted in ages..." Communication
Joke Number. 3432
"I was trying to think of a name for a band and all I could come up with was 'The Telephones'. I
thought it had a ring to it." Communication
Joke Number. 3433
"BBC News: Texas Homes Destroyed By Wildfire. I didn't know HTC had an app for that!"
Communication
Joke Number. 3434
"I was upset when my wife told me I was too pedestrian about life. So I went for a walk."
Communication
Joke Number. 3435
Even the families of staff at Clinton will be sending their loved one a sad face text message
rather than forking out three quid on a card Communication
Joke Number. 3436
"What were the three quickest ways to get a message to as many people as possible in as short a
time as possible before email? 1. Telephone 2. Telegram 3. Tell woman" Communication
Joke Number. 3437
The amazing thing about mobile phones is that, no matter where you are or whatever you are
doing, you can keep them switched off so no-one will bother you. Communication
Joke Number. 3438
"HISTORY: William of Orange stood on one side........... John of Vodafone and Richard of O2
on the other...." Communication
Joke Number. 3439
"Just saw a site “Learn Spanish: A Word a Day!” The average English person’s vocabulary is
about 25000 words... “Learn Spanish: In 68 Years!”" Communication
Joke Number. 3440
"I’ve changed my Mobile provider from O2 to a new service called Gypsy It has Free Roaming"
Communication
Joke Number. 3441
"I didn't know robots could get headaches, indigestion or feel pain... But I just read in the news
that Sony are releasing Android tablets." Communication
Joke Number. 3442
"IPhone app saves man trapped in Haiti rubble: Film maker Dan Woolley was trapped in the
rubble after the Haiti earthquake. Thanks to the iPhone first-aid app he'd downloaded, he knew
how to fashion a bandage and tourniquet for his leg and to stop the bleeding from his head
wound. The app also warned him not to fall asleep if he felt he was going into shock, so he set
his cell phone's alarm clock to go off every 20 minutes. About 3 days after his hotel collapsed,
Woolley was found by a French rescue team and subsequently transported to a hospital in
Florida. That's just incredible. An iPhone battery lasting for 3 days!" Communication
Joke Number. 3443
"I recently won the award for funniest Sickipedian. When the trophy was presented to me, I
spotted my African girlfriend in the audience. She was on her feet cheering. Afterwards i sent her
a text saying 'thanks for the cheer' using predictive texting ...BIG mistake" Communication
Joke Number. 3444
"My phone contract was a con. It stated that for 20 a month I would get 5000 texts. It's been 8
months now and I've not received a single text." Communication
Joke Number. 3445
“"Thank you for calling the Freedom of Speech hotline where we believe that it is every person’s
right to voice their opinions without fear of recrimination”. “Calls may be monitored”."
Communication
Joke Number. 3446
When I go to delete an app on my IPhone and they're shaking, it always makes me feel guilty,
it’s almost like they're all anxious about who's getting axed. Communication
Joke Number. 3447
"Wife was intrigued when she opened up her Birthday Present today. She asked for something
with diamonds. I got her a pack of Playing cards. You should have seen the look on her face
when I told her they were fit for royalty." Communication
Joke Number. 3448
Ever since I got an IPhone I've missed the sound of turning pages in the bathroom..
Communication
Joke Number. 3449
3 mobile call centers. Communication
Joke Number. 3450
"My wife says I spend too much time on Facebook. According to her wall post, anyway."
Communication
Joke Number. 3451
When someone asks you for account details on the phone, "200 years old, sharp teeth, hates
wooden stakes" is an unacceptable answer. Communication
Joke Number. 3452
"Facebook is down. What I’m I going to do with my life?" Communication
Joke Number. 3453
Imagine God's face when he checked his inbox... Communication
Joke Number. 3454
"If you count vocals everyone can play an instrument because everyone can hum and talk. Well
in that case Stephen Hawking can play keyboard." Communication
Joke Number. 3455
"'Talk is cheap', people say. But not the same people who are on 'Vodafone'." Communication
Joke Number. 3456
"02 has brought out a new package called Siamese. 02 connecting people" Communication
Joke Number. 3457
"Girlfriend: There you go again! Me: *There. Girlfriend: And another thing; you always have to
be so... pedantry. Me: *Pedantic." Communication
Joke Number. 3458
"I hate when you’re insulting someone over text and predictive makes it come out wrong. You
always end up looking like a right count." Communication
Joke Number. 3459
"Sky have brought out a new version of their HD box that saves energy by going into standby
mode after 12 hours. It's called a Sky Tasman Archer Box or “sleeping satellite” as the engineers
like to call it." Communication
Joke Number. 3460
"Thank God for public phone boxes as I still use them. They're the only places I can talk in
private on my mobile these days." Communication
Joke Number. 3461
Just heard about Apples new app which lets you order a pizza, anywhere, from your IPhone. I
reckon I must have got a special one because mine already does this. Communication
Joke Number. 3462
Ironically, the more someone uses the word 'like' in a conversation, the more I feel the opposite
about them. Communication
Joke Number. 3463
Going to start calling my girlfriend 02 to see if she will go down on me. Communication
Joke Number. 3464
"Was trying to explain to my gran who was sitting in the chair with the cat on her lap, for over an
hour, how her new iPhone worked. I think I did a pretty good job because the cat just called."
Communication
Joke Number. 3465
"What's all this fuss about 3D TV all of a sudden? My TV's always been 3-dimensional."
Communication
Joke Number. 3466
"The wife loves her iPhone, so I've decided to get her even more attached to it with the latest
optional extra - Velcro backing - which means she can drop that silly Bluetooth earpiece. It's
absolutely perfect for her sideburns." Communication
Joke Number. 3467
"My wife decided to take down all the Christmas lights without telling me. I feel like I'm being
left in the dark over these decisions." Communication
Joke Number. 3468
"When a bloke rings my mate it plays 'Raining Men,' when a woman rings it plays 'Three Times
a Lady'. Got himself a new IPhone.." Communication
Joke Number. 3469
"There is no way that the world is going to end on 21/12/2012 like the Aztecs predicted. Sorry
Aztecs, wrong again, just like you were about the optimum method of ingesting chocolate.
Makes you wonder what they were smoking." Communication
Joke Number. 3470
"'If you don't have an iPhone... You don't have an iPhone.' The kind of intelligence and wisdom
often displayed by someone with an iPhone." Communication
Joke Number. 3471
"I hate getting my social networking sites mixed up, Just last week I was telling my Family to
come on My Face.." Communication
Joke Number. 3472
Steve Jobs probably had the BlackBerry server as his life support machine. Communication
Joke Number. 3473
"Some girl updated her bbm status: “Phones about to die: /” 3 hours later... “RIP Uncle John <3”
Apparently asking if her phone was called Uncle John was inappropriate." Communication
Joke Number. 3474
"I hate condescending people. But, I wouldn't expect you to understand." Communication
Joke Number. 3475
Probably the single and most frustrating thing about social media websites like twitter, is the fact
that you only get 140 characters to us Communication
Joke Number. 3476
“"That letter you've been waiting for is here,” said my wife, “and you've got the job!” “Great!” I
replied, “When do I start?” “3 weeks ago....”" Communication
Joke Number. 3477
"The new iPod 3G supports browsing on the move without the need for a Wi-Fi connection. The
only downside is it can't make or receive calls. A much cheaper alternative for the iPhone4."
Communication
Joke Number. 3478
It's got to the point where i wear my headset whilst playing my Xbox even when i have no
friends online. Just so i don't have to talk to my wife. Communication
Joke Number. 3479
"So Mark Zuckerberg has got married to Priscilla Chan when asked why she consented to marry
him Pricilla said “I can think of 106 billion reasons”" Communication
Joke Number. 3480
"Can’t say I’d buy an iPhone 4 after that new advert showing off Face Time. Video quality is
good but the sound seems to have been replaced with Louis Armstrong..." Communication
Joke Number. 3481
"Yesterday I got an email saying “you have no emails”. Kind of defeats the purpose, doesn’t it."
Communication
Joke Number. 3482
"It started hailing the other day, so I shouted Caesar. When in Rome..." Communication
Joke Number. 3483
"My new phone has a very un-musical ring. It's cordless." Communication
Joke Number. 3484
"My phone rang earlier. I answered it and a voice I didn't recognize said, “Alright mate. I've just
bought a united shirt with “ROONEY” and “3” on the back.” I said, “Sorry, I think you've got
the wrong number.”" Communication
Joke Number. 3485
"The wife said “I just can't get through to you, it's like were on different wavelengths!”.... “You
daft cow.” I replied “your walkie talkie is on the wrong frequency!”" Communication
Joke Number. 3486
"I was trying to find my girlfriend so I asked my brother if he knew where she was. He said “no,
have you tried her cell?” I said “no, I've looked there it's empty, but I will try phoning her”."
Communication
Joke Number. 3487
“"NO JOKE, YOU HAVE WON AN IPHONE” Pretty ironic considering this is a joke site."
Communication
Joke Number. 3488
"I've still got my original Nokia 3310, I think it may be time to get rid of it. Apparently, I've to
take it somewhere called 'Mordor'" Communication
Joke Number. 3489
"The funniest thing to do using Google+ Step 1. Randomly divide everyone you know into two
separate circles. Step 2. Post to circle 1 that you just got an awesome new job Step 3. Post to
circle 2 that you just contracted some disease Step 4. Post to your extended circles the message:
'Tomorrow is my last day' Sit back and watch resulting comment battle unfold..."
Communication
Joke Number. 3490
"O2 and 3..... So called because that's how many satisfied customers they each have."
Communication
Joke Number. 3491
"If my iPhone were truly 'smArt'..... It wouldn't let me text people when I'm drunk."
Communication
Joke Number. 3492
"Normally I hate the adverts on television but the last one I saw I really agreed with. It was
warning of the dangers of cyber bullying; how sad and sick it is. How cyber bullying really does
show the broken society we live in today and all that has changed over the years with the age of
Technology... Now it's the fatty's and the nerds have the upper hand when it comes to picking on
people. God must be shaking his head looking at what we've become. Shaking his head..."
Communication
Joke Number. 3493
Does anybody else think that 'Face time' by Apple sounds like a weekly quota of oral?
Communication
Joke Number. 3494
"My idea for a perfect pint was a cool Fosters on the beach in Jamaica with Bob Marley. For
some reason carling said I didn't win." Communication
Joke Number. 3495
It's a sad state of affairs when your Blackberry goes down on you more often than your
Girlfriend! Communication
Joke Number. 3496
"I've just taken out a contract with Vodafone. 2500 for them to shoot that fat bloke from the Go
Compare adverts." Communication
Joke Number. 3497
I asked Siri to call me an ambulance since I was experiencing chest pains. It responded by telling
me it would call me 'an ambulance' from now on. Communication
Joke Number. 3498
"My wife and I had a close call this morning. I can't believe she phoned me from next door."
Communication
Joke Number. 3499
"Just got my best mate, my dog a cell phone plan. It comes with roll-over minutes."
Communication
Joke Number. 3500
"BBC News: “Black granted bail pending appeal” ...What? You don't need me to write
anything?" Communication
Joke Number. 3501
Blackberry helping teenagers to commit suicide since Monday. Communication
Joke Number. 3502
"I can't wait till my birthday on 1st October. Sent from my Blackberry" Communication
Joke Number. 3503
"Bank security checks are pretty pointless if you're talking to an Indian customer. “Can I take
your mother's maiden name please Mr. Patel?” “Yeah. It's Patel.”" Communication
Joke Number. 3504
"Are you forgetful? Are you not remembering where you put things? I made an app for that....
It's around here somewhere I just have to find it." Communication
Joke Number. 3505
"What do you call a hi-fi that will never let you down? A sound system!" Communication
Joke Number. 3506
"My wife said “You're not making any sense”. I replied “Fourteen and a bit on the top”."
Communication
Joke Number. 3507
"My phone has been ringing off the hook. I should probably get that fixed." Communication
Joke Number. 3508
"Mobile Phone? Hopelessly old-fashioned.. I went over to telepathy several years ago."
Communication
Joke Number. 3509
"I always finish my text messages with a kiss. The lads down at the pub never seem to approve
of their wet cheeks, though." Communication
Joke Number. 3510
I'm not saying the guy from the BT adverts is creepy, but I'm expecting in the next one for him to
turn around and say "Let me shave your legs and taste you while you sleep" Communication
Joke Number. 3511
Facebook - for hideous, fat, ugly women to deceive lads into thinking they look human.
Communication
Joke Number. 3512
My wife left me today because of my obsession with twitter. There's a lot more to it than that but
unfortunately I'm about to run out of cha Communication
Joke Number. 3513
At work today this OAP costumer kept calling me duck... I thought to myself, if she calls me
duck one more time I think I'm going to quack... Communication
Joke Number. 3514
I felt really awkward today when i rang a slag and it said ".......welcome to the virgin voice mail"
Communication
Joke Number. 3515
They say music is the language of spirits. So, next time your bank keeps you hanging on the
phone, they're probably taking you for a medium. Communication
Joke Number. 3516
I've just hit someone with their own blackberry. Those things really are useful, I might get one
now. Communication
Joke Number. 3517
"I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution. 1024x768."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3518
"I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape - I don't even have a
home anymore. Definitely time for a new keyboard." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3519
"I've just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van Joke Number. 02”. That should keep my
pikey neighbours on their toes for a while." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3520
"I currently own a system which is exactly 14 times better than Windows 7. I call it: Windows
98." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3521
"I've just upgraded to Sky HD. I'm impressed. The phrase 'No satellite signal is being received'
has never been so colourful and clear." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3522
"Microsoft's new Windows advert talks about life without walls... Surely life without walls is a
Window's worst nightmare." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3523
No, Microsoft Word, my name is not spelt incorrectly. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3524
"Want to know how to get a Flat Stomach & Perfect Abs in 2 to 3 Weeks? Hmmmm let me
see...... Photoshop?" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3525
“"And so, God came forth and proclaimed widescreen is the best” Sony 16:9" Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3526
"I can't believe all the singles in my area want to meet me, probably because of all the iPads I've
won." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3527
"It's a good job Apple isn't in charge of New Year. We'd all be expecting 2012 and get 2011S
instead." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3528
"AltGr for when the Alt key isn't angry enough for you." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3529
"Just bought an iPod Touch. It's just like an iPhone, but you can't make calls. No, wait, it's
exactly like an iPhone." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3530
"I tried to log in on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch a Sketch and I don't own an iPad. Also, I'm
out of vodka." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3531
Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3532
You know you're a geek when you have an iPhone, an iPod, a PC, a laptop, a GPS system and a
PDA but you'd swap them all for a working light saber. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3533
They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That's nothing,
because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3534
"I heard yesterday that there's talk amongst computer companies to increase the size of a byte by
one-eighth. I'd say that's a bit too much." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3535
"Amazon Kindle App: “Buy Now, Read Everywhere” Y'know what else you can buy now and
read everywhere? A book." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3536
73% of men don't know what a cookie is. But 99% know how to delete them. Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3537
An Apple store was broken into and 10,000 worth of merchandise was stolen. The police are
confident they can recover both Computers. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3538
"What is iPad? IPad is thin. iPad is beautiful. IPad goes anywhere and lasts all day. IPad is not
my wife." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3539
"I've just bought a JVC LCD 1080P HD TV. The rest of the alphabet was out of stock."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3540
"Wrfsgqweztkl;'Joke Number. ast gg4369on/hoivdz... Why does no one ever think of unplugging their
keyboard before cleaning it?" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3541
"What's the Difference between T-Mobile and the human centipede? The human centipede
actually connects people." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3542
"Bluetooth phone mini-headsets. Blurring the line between the technologically adept and
criminally insane schizophrenia." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3543
"Database Latency again... There are 540 of you looking at this page. It's usually about 800 when
there's too many, One of the Gameboys they use for servers must have run out of battery."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3544
The spell Czech on my computer has never failed me. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3545
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my
collection. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3546
If we all end up going to jail for downloading music, I at least hope they separate us by music
genre. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3547
"I was looking inside my computer yesterday and I burnt my finger on my processor. It Mhz."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3548
Just bought a Wii fit in a sale, and lost 90 pounds instantly. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3549
"My sister warned me the other day that the police are cracking down on illegal downloads and
that I should delete all my songs just in case. Yeah, if the cops seize my P.C, illegally
downloaded music will be the least of my worries." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3550
"Remember days before Computers? Memory was something you lost with age An application
was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home A virus was the flu A CD was a bank account A hard drive was a
long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And if you had a 3 inch floppy...
You just hoped no one ever found out!" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3551
"Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting...” Me: no Microsoft, it is you
who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3552
"Why is there so much “i” everything? IPod, iPad, iPhone etc... One day my Children might
grow up to think that an idea is some form of digital antelope." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3553
".' I just went for a slash and missed." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3554
"There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define 'great' he said, ''I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff
that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in
pain and anger!'' He got a job with Microsoft, writing error messages!" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3555
"Why are Facebook status updates like a Polish builder's toolkit? All the good ones have been
stolen from another site." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3556
"I'm useless with Computers! I'm such a techno-numpty! I only have to touch the things and they
break! Well, not really. But you've got to lie on your CV a bit to have a chance of getting in at
PC World." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3557
I'm an Apple Mac and Windows 7 was my idea. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3558
"I downloaded a 3D version of the alphabet. It's got 28 letters." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3559
"Customer: I'm running Windows Vista... Helpdesk: Yes... Customer: And my computer isn't
working! Helpdesk: Yes, you already said that." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3560
Dyslexia cost me my job in IT. Turns out my boss wanted me to unzip his 'files'. Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3561
NanoTechnology is gonna be huge. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3562
Silly Kodak. They should have invented a camera with a phone on it. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3563
If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0 Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3564
"I saw an iMac in my workplace today. So I grabbed a marker pen and scribbled 'unt' next to the
logo." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3565
"Dear URL bar, please can we agree on a number of clicks it takes to highlight the whole
address? I click a few times, then click like a mad person only to miss the one time it actually got
highlighted in my frenzied clicking." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3566
"I went to a party hosted by T Mobile last night. I got really drunk and kept trying to change the
tunes that the DJ was playing. Not only that, but I projectile vomited all over the dance floor and
started a fight that turned into a saloon style brawl involving a number of people. Whilst that was
going on I sloped off in need of the toilet, dropped my pants by the buffet and shat all over the
carpet. If they give me a bad reception I'm going to ruin theirs." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3567
"I own a small zoo and a pirate ship. Although not at the same time.... I don't have that much
Lego." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3568
"Daniel Petric shot both his parents in the head after they took away his copy of Halo 3. Double
Kill!" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3569
"It's the last time I play poker with an origami expert. All he did was fold." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3570
"Stone vs. iPhone 3G: Stone (40,000 BC)- MMS: NO Video calling: NO Video recording: NO
Changeable memory cards: NO Touchscreen: NO iPhone 3G (2008)- MMS: NO Video calling:
NO Video recording: NO Changeable memory cards: NO Touchscreen: YES" Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3571
"Video games are ruining my life. Luckily, I still have two left." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3572
I love call of duty. I don't play the game myself but it means that there are a lot more bored
girlfriends out there looking to get laid. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3573
Cancer - Loves the jobs you hate. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3574
Well I've just got my new iPhone4 and so far I haven't had any problems with the recap
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3575
People who plug their computer keyboards into hi-fi systems aren't idiots. That would be
stereotyping. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3576
"I offered my computer a sandwich today. It took a Megabyte." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3577
Microsoft users have been proven right for once. They always said Steve Jobs couldn't build a
computer to save his life. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3578
Now that most Computers have touchscreens, websites should make their advertising links look
like smudges. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3579
"Today is the 30th birthday of the ZX Spectrum. I'll look in on mine later; that first game might
have loaded by now." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3580
"I had a spider on my keyboard. I have it under Ctrl." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3581
"Why did Mr. Ohm marry Mrs. Ohm? Because he couldn't resistor." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3582
"New iPhone 4S bug - screen displaying yellowish tint. Similar to Steve Jobs a few weeks ago
then." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3583
I'm Wikipedia, and Windows were actually the Romans' idea. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3584
"I bought a great new holder for my apple and blackberry it’s called a fruit bowl" Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3585
"Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they'd broken one of my
keyboard keys. I order hitch one." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3586
"I just created a new computer virus that only targets Apple. It's a worm." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3587
"I'm currently off work with a slipped disk. I mean, I accidentally slipped my Call of Duty disk
into my Xbox." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3588
Words cannot describe how much I absolutely have predictive text. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3589
Spreadsheets: That's where I really Excel. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3590
You know you're a geek when you try to shoo a fly away from your monitor with your mouse
cursor. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3591
"Apparently the average PC crashes 3 times a year. It must cost the Police a fortune in
replacement cars." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3592
"My mate keeps raving on about how amazing his new iPad is. He even got me to draw a picture
on his new Art app so I could see how responsive it is. It wasn't easy. My felt tip pen just wiped
clean off. In the end I had to scratch it on with a paperclip." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3593
"I was on I-tunes downloading some I-songs onto my i-phone the other I-day, when it suddenly
occurred to me I'm a balding, middle age man having a nervous breakdown trying to be cool."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3594
IPhone................. Oh no I don't Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3595
Will the 'I' phenomenon ever stop? Now there’s even a hurricane called an Irene Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3596
"A question for the older guys who remember Punk... When you go into your “Start menu
properties” in windows and see the option “Lock The Taskbar” do you spend the next half an
hour singing Clash tunes?" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3597
"A man praised the iPhone 4 today as he managed to survive freak earthquakes and tsunamis by
looking at survival apps. Though he did add “although it was a bit annoying that I couldn’t just
call for help”" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3598
"Customer: I would like to purchase Windows Vista. Helpdesk: No problem, em. Which one
would you like? Customer: What is there? Helpdesk: Vista Home basic, Vista Home Basic
upgrade, Vista Home Premium, Vista Home Premium Upgrade, Vista Business full
version or the upgrade, Vista Enterprise or Enterprise Upgrade, Vista 32 bit or 64 bit for
System builders, Vista Ultimate Limited numbered signature edition. Customer: whoa! Which
one do you recommend? Helpdesk: Mac os x." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3599
"Just filmed a video about how you can get a better service than O2. It's called 2 Cups, 1 String."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3600
IPad: The iPod Touch for fat people's fingers. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3601
"Want to make a simple phone call? Sorry, there isn’t an app for that." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3602
"Apple's next overpriced & unnecessary product will be dedicated to those people who stand in
queues for hours just to get one... It's called the iDiot." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3603
"My iPod wouldn't connect to iTunes earlier. Left me with a horrible syncing feeling"
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3604
"If I leave my computer for a while, a picture of Sean Connery holding a razor comes on. It's my
screen saver." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3605
"Computer geeks. Hacking servers since 1989. The only box they'll ever penetrate." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3606
I've always wondered what would happen if i deleted my recycle bin... Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3607
"My girlfriend is an idiot. She says I play my Xbox too much because I named my headset;
'Mike'." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3608
Great, my book ran out of batteries. Stupid future Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3609
"What do submarines and Microsoft have in common? Try opening a Window." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3610
"Yes Apple, what I really wanted was a heavier, bigger version of my iPod, too big to fit in my
pocket, so that whenever I want to change tracks I have to open a briefcase, which I must carry
around all day every day. Thanks" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3611
Am I the only one who thinks it's funny that the new black Nintendo Wii needs a white
controller to make it work? Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3612
"The new Microsoft Windows adverts talk about “life without walls”. Frankly I'm not surprised -
walls provide the most basic form of security." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3613
A router goes into a doctor's office and says, "It hurts when IP." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3614
"The other day I was at my PC and I had a brain wave. So I emailed Microsoft, and the new
Windows 7 now has a spell checker. I’m Gordon Brown, and Windows 7 Was my idea."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3615
"I see Apple are supposedly releasing an iPhone Mini, I'm just waiting for the iPhone shuffle that
calls random people." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3616
Having just released the iPad in the UK, Apple have announced the future release of the iPad
Nano: an iPad that will fit in your pocket and complete with a phone function. Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3617
"The games box said, “Needs Windows Vista, XP, or better”. So I installed Linux." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3618
Window popped up saying: 'Adobe reader is insecure....' WTF does it want ....... a cuddle?
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3619
CPR - the human equivalent of CTRL ALT DELETE Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3620
"Has predictive texting had a negative effect on standards of grammar? Defiantly." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3621
"I experienced an unexpected error on my iPhone today. It let me make a call." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3622
Apple are working on an electronic seeing device for the Navy, it's called the I Eye Captain.
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3623
"The iPad 2 has loads of great new features, but it's the two built in cameras that really set it
apart. They're just perfect for taking pictures of the now obsolete iPad I bought 3 months ago so I
can put it on eBay." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3624
"Clearing the history Keeping your wife and kids oblivious to your fetishes since windows 95."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3625
"I'm using the mouse with my left hand for a change. It feels like someone else is doing it."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3626
"I hope Apple have fixed that iPhone alarm bug. I've got to be up early on Monday." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3627
"3, 95, NT, 98, ME, XP, Vista and 7. Windows consequential listing doesn't seem to be
working." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3628
Apple have just announced that in order to increase sales of the new iPhone in America they're
re-branding it the pie phone. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3629
"No friends? There's an app for that." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3630
"And then there was the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees
and still died a virgin: Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it
herself. The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be. And the third
was in Tech Support, and kept saying “Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now....”" Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3631
"Apple has released a new app that allows iPhone users to greet each other. It's called the I Five."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3632
If you want to find a plane that's crashed into the sea - there's not an app for that. Unlucky
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3633
"Here's some Advice - don't open Windows Speech Recognition and Daft Punk's 'Technologic'
on your computer at the same time. I'm still sorting out the mess 2 weeks later." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3634
I don't like jokes about pointlessly small memory sticks one bit. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3635
"I'm sick of these pop-ups Windows keeps putting on my computer saying that my copy isn't
genuine. Don't you think I knew that when I downloaded it illegally?" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3636
"If you want to tell all of your friends, Family and colleagues that you're socially inept, attention
seeking, and a mindless zombie slave to the commercials and hype of one of the seemingly most
popular corporations on the planet.... ..There's an app for that." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3637
Anybody else notice that they sit on the toilet 10 minutes after they're done because they're busy
playing on their iPhones? Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3638
"My girlfriend's IPod Touch just came. Apparently, there's an App for everything." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3639
I don't think I got the job at Microsoft....They haven't responded to my telegram. Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3640
"I traded in my iPhone today for something useful. A life." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3641
When Apple update the software on one of their products do they call it an I Patch? Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3642
"So I hear the PS3 network was hacked and the online mode is shut down. Well CoD players,
this is what the sun looks like!" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3643
"Elderly couples. Just remember those 3 special words that still hold you together, the 3 special
words that you have used through thick and thin. Just remember those 3 special words... “Delete
Browsing History”" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3644
"I'm a government agent responsible for the snooping of ordinary citizens' computer and internet
habits by the state. And Windows 7 was my idea." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3645
"To be fair, 60p is not so expensive when you stop and think about it. You can send a letter to
anywhere in Britain and it will only take two or three days to arrive there. I mean, it's not as if
you can do that on your computer.....for free.....in seconds." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3646
"So, to cut a long story short, it turns out that according to Microsoft's Legal Department,
Windows 7 wasn't my idea..." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3647
"I don't get along with people who have X-Box's We just don't Kinect." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3648
"I feel bad searching for a new laptop on my current one. It's like telling your wife of many years
to find you a sleek, younger version of herself that offers a better all-round performance."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3649
"I've yet to see Adobe Acrobat do any tricks. I'm very disappointed." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3650
Failure is not an option,... it comes standard with Windows. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3651
"On a scale of 1 to 10.... ... How much binary do you use?" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3652
"I went for a job at PC World today out of desperation. The interviewer said, “What do you
know about Computers?” I said, “Not much - I can just about switch them on and off, ha ha!” I
didn't get the job - overqualified." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3653
"An Italian engineer has been kidnapped in Nigeria. Demands have been sent via email to his
Family, but they were just marked as spam." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3654
"Our local vicar insists on giving sermons with the aid of his computer. We end up sitting in
church for hours because he's so slow. I think we need a new service provider." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3655
"Today, I was looking for my iPod. When I found it, the first song to come on shuffle was 'You
Found Me' by The Fray. Well played iPod, well played." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3656
Does anyone else here think that it's too much of a coincidence that Windows 8 is set to be
launched in 2012? Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3657
I've just been fixing my sons computer when I got a shock off the processor. It mega Hz.
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3658
"My new girlfriend was not at all impressed when she saw my fourteen incher. I suppose it is a
rather small television." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3659
"My computer keeps crashing. Must be the driver." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3660
Hi, I'm a woman, so Windows 7 couldn't possibly have been my idea. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3661
Auto correct can go to he'll. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3662
If Windows 7 was my idea, why do I have to pay for it? Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3663
"My mate told me he can touch type “sixty words per minute.” But he has to type every other
phrase normally." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3664
"So, today Wikipedia is blocking access to free information in protest against the blocking of
access to free information? God bless America." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3665
A computer geek comes back to hotel reception with the key from room 404 and says: 'Room not
found'. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3666
"I think Steve Jobs was asking for it in truth. With the amazing GPS feature on the iPhone 4, it
wasn't going to take the grim reaper much effort to find him." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3667
"Why do people buy Apple Macs? They keep on breaking Windows." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3668
After careful consideration I've decided I’m giving up using autocorrect on my iPhone for Kent.
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3669
“"Intel launches tablet processor”. Now we even have a PC term for drug dealer." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3670
"My wife said to me “Would you run into a burning building to save me?” “Of course I would” I
replied. “The batteries for my Xbox aren't going to find themselves”" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3671
"I bought a smArt phone the other day. It was wearing a tuxedo and a bow tie." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3672
"Ctrl + B that’s a bold move." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3673
“"I'm a PC and I'm eight-and-a-half years old.” I didn't find Microsoft's new ad too clear. I
always thought a PC was a 'personal computer', not a 'provocative child'?" Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3674
"I recently made a car out of windows. But it crashed." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3675
Apple will now offer a free iPhone case for all iPhone users. It's not going to help reception, but
it protects the iPhone after you throw it against the wall. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3676
My PC is so slow this morning, I swear if it had a tongue it would lick the screen. Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3677
"A local Apple store was burgled for over 10k of merchandise. Police remain hopeful they can
find and return both Computers." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3678
I hate my iPhone always auto correcting my swear words...piece of shut. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3679
"How do you change your phone to a jukebox? Phone Virgin Media's help line" Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3680
Understanding abbreviations - there's an app for that. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3681
I'm dating a hacker. She keeps sending me raunchy pictures of myself. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3682
"Sitting here, playing FIFA 11, before the night of the exam that will decide my entire future. I
just can't help but not feeling ashamed with myself... I really should have bought FIFA 12 by
now." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3683
As my plane flew through the clouds, I started to get nervous. What if we hit all that data people
are storing up here now? Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3684
"So, the new Microsoft adverts shows a man using the 'In Private' mode to search for jewelry.
All you cynical people out there thinking that it would never be used this way. In fact, I spent
much of the day looking for pearl necklaces...." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3685
"Wish my friends were more like 'Google'. It never judges me, no matter what I ask it to do."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3686
"So the iPad is out in the UK now great! If only there was a more dense version that I could put
in my pocket and take it with me everywhere I go." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3687
"I have just lost my job as a Spiderman impersonator. At least I have my skills as a web
developer to fall back on." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3688
"I can hack into any computer. All I need is an axe." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3689
"IT support: “Did you try turning it off and on again?” “It's half-way successful.” “What do you
mean?” “It won't turn on again!”" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3690
"Technology these days, eh? The latest bit of kit my grandma got was acting up earlier and
making weird noises, so I tried the good old 'turning it on and off again' method, and when that
didn't work, I decided to open the plug up with a bread knife, to check the fuse. I almost had the
plug open too, until doctors wrestled me away from the life support machine." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3691
"My computer froze the other day. That's why I've just bought it some mittens and a woolly hat."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3692
"The other day, my mate asked me what I thought of Internet Message boards... I said I'm all
Forum" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3693
"I was surprised when I read that it is predicted that Americans will spend $1.8 billion on mobile
devices in 2015, and decided that those figures can't be correct... I'm sure apple will sell more
than 4 iPhones." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3694
"I found my old Nokia 3310 in a drawer today. It brought back so many fond memories of all the
cool features it had, that you just don't get on phones these days. Like Snake, polyphonic
ringtones, and reception." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3695
TomTom GPS - The only way to receive orders from a women. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3696
"Daughter- iPod. Son- iPhone. Mom- iPad. Dad- I Pay!" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3697
"My Dad had just come back from America, I met him at the airport and he said, “I picked you
this up from the plane, it’s one of them iPads” I was amazed and so happy, until he handed me a
bag and said, “you know they go over your eyes and help you sleep”" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3698
I'm not saying my Sat Nav isn't up to date but when I took my car on the cross channel ferry it
kept warning- "Here there be monsters". Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3699
"What does the new iPad and my 2 day old son have in common. The both failed a drop test."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3700
"My friend recommended I install Windows on my computer to make it run faster. I tried but it
doesn't seem faster. Well at least now I can see right through It." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3701
My phone kept trying to sell me useless duty free watches, perfume and Toblerone. Turns out I
had it on airplane mode. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3702
"I run a Linux based operating system. That means I get laid as often as I have to reboot my
computer." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3703
I just figured out what scroll lock does. You see that light by caps lock? Well, it turns on when
you press it! Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3704
"Windows 7 good for virus blocking history deleting and you can use it easily with one hand
what are they expecting of us?" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3705
"I only wanted Adobe to be able to open pdfs. I had no idea they wanted a relationship. They
won't stop emailing me." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3706
"I just got a Samsung Galaxy. So much smoother than the LG Chocolate." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3707
"My mate works at an aquarium. The screensaver on his laptop is people walking around an
office filing stuff." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3708
I had Windows M.E but I couldn't be bothered to use it... Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3709
"What do you get when you cross an encyclopedia with a homeless person? A personal appeal
from Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3710
"I heard Apple are introducing a new product specifically for cats and dogs. It's called iAms."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3711
"My smArtphone got me into trouble yesterday. I was at my daughter’s playgroup when one of
the mums said: “What's that in your pocket?” “I have a Desire.” was probably not the best
response. Nor was showing them the Red Tube app. And my list of favourites." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3712
"Nintendo managers have had a terrible year. They haven't picked up enough coins, therefore
will not get their bonus." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3713
"So there is a huge power cut across India, over 300 million people affected directly... Are they
including those of us who can't call for tech support?" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3714
"My laptop stopped working when I left it in direct sunlight I blame windows" Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3715
“"Volt gun disguised as Nokia phone delivers 1.2million volts” Can't be as shocking as an
iPhone reception" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3716
"Got lost in the woods earlier. Thank god I had my smArtphone. I would have been well bored
waiting 11 hours for someone to walk past and find me without the internet." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3717
3DHD TV - For fat nerds who believe they can see the Difference. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3718
IPhone user: "... by the way if my phone cuts off it's because I've run out of battery. I've only got
84% left." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3719
"I told my daughter I would buy her the new Apple product for her birthday. iLied." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3720
There's a new iPhone Karaoke app. Apple have finally created the most annoying person to ever
sit next to you on a train. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3721
My granddad doesn't do well with Technology. I bought him a digital frame and now he's
starting to think he has Alzheimer's. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3722
"I created an amazing new iPad app that would instantly turn its user into a pretentious douche.
Apple rejected it, saying it duplicated core functionality." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3723
"I've invented a new phone called the 'Eye Phone'. It can only store one contact." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3724
The win has definitely been put back into windows Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3725
"Today I played Snooker with a friend but he was useless. Wouldn't even let me put chalk on his
head." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3726
"Sarah, I don't write on your Facebook wall so you can comment on it. I write on your wall so
you will write back on mine and make me seem more popular. Work with me here. Mark"
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3727
"Has anyone seen the interactive 'stop knife crime' advert at the bottom left corner of the
Windows Live Messenger contacts page, where you can pick up the knife by scrolling over the
picture? The hand is black. surprise surprise..." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3728
I was telling my parents all about my project to build my own computer the other day. I went
into lots of detail about all the different parts and components and my dad was really interested,
but it just made my motherboard. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3729
I don't see all the fuss, people in Ballymena reckon they've already had iPads for several years
now. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3730
I have put an Apple in a Bap. That's how I Roll Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3731
Apple are to rebrand their iPhone 4 as an "iPad Mini" after Trade Descriptions took issue with
the "phone" element of the current name. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3732
“"Computer says Nooo” Unless you have windows Vista, in which case it says “Not
responding”" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3733
"I was watching the gadget show on Dave the other day. I must say I’m looking forward to the
PlayStation 3 but I’m skeptical about this touchscreen Technology the keep going on about!"
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3734
"IPhone users: todays the day you get to upgrade to version 3.0! You finally get to copy & paste
from sick & use up your free texts on your one & only friend!" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3735
"Been working like a Trojan all day. Went through everyone's computer at work." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3736
"When the old Windows stopped working the “blue screen of death” appeared. Windows spotted
the problem, and with new Windows 7 it turns black." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3737
"News: 'Shot Policeman Is Critical'. Perhaps he should go and see my mate Tony, he can fix any
PC for just 50." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3738
PC world have just announced that due to a sudden rush of orders, F5 keys for PCs will be out of
stock until mid-July when the next shipment is due to arrive from China. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3739
You know you spend too much time on your computer when you type com after every full
stop.com Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3740
According to those in the know, the new iPhone's camera is so snazzy, it actually filters out poor
people ... Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3741
"I've made a bid to take over e-bay. I won't know anything for 4 days 17 hours." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3742
A while ago in history we were talking about technological advances. Someone brought up the
fact that kids as young as 4 are getting things like iPhone. My teacher replied "good god they
can’t even count!". Another student quickly replied "there's an app for that". Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3743
"So I was in my bedroom using my laptop and I thought “How about I resell my previous
product with a different name?” I'm a PC and Windows 7 was my idea..." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3744
I'm Windows 7, and the T-600 was my idea. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3745
"I finally found a cure for my insomnia this morning. I just sat outside the Apple store for half an
hour counting sheep." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3746
Isn’t it funny how 'fat' on predictive text comes up as ‘eat’? Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3747
Students arrested for hacking Call of Duty? Should have had Scrambler Pro. Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3748
"My mate told me that he reckoned he played over 150 hours of online games a week, “Wow!” I
replied He then said: “No, run escape.”" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3749
Apples response to Numberous complaints: The iPology Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3750
"Did you know that the Bluetooth mobile headset was invented by a German man? Hans Free."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3751
"They say the Kindle Fire is the first tablet that allows you to communicate with the cloud. I
found I was able to communicate with both clouds and rainbows using LSD." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3752
"A hypersonic jet is being developed in America. The good news is it will be able to fly from
America to the UK in one hour. The bad news is it'll be full of Yanks" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3753
“"Microsoft launch Windows 7 mobile” I'm glad that wasn't my idea." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3754
We all know who to blame if Windows 7 fails Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3755
What’s does the new iPhone 4.0 and me have in common? We both get a terrible reception when
we get turned on at funerals. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3756
Apple are the only company that would make a device that needs gloves to hold it so it works
properly, but if you wear gloves you can’t use it properly. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3757
"I had trouble getting onto my website earlier so I called my mate who was an IT technician.
“Have you tried disabling cookies?” he said. “Well I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man...”"
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3758
"Tech support: What version of windows do you have installed? Me: Double glazed."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3759
"An experienced motor vehicle mechanic is instructing an apprentice in the basic principles of
the trade: “Now, open the bonnet and look inside. Adopt a puzzled expression and shake your
head slowly ...”" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3760
I live in constant fear that one of my applications will suddenly test me on the Terms &
Conditions I claim to have read. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3761
Some sources say that over 80% of desktop Computers are infected with a virus called Windows.
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3762
"I just don’t understand, when I put an ad in the newspaper about meeting hot, single girls in my
area, there’s absolutely no reply. But as soon as I go online, there's absolutely hundreds that are
ready for me to meet them? I just don’t get it." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3763
"There's only one reason I use in private browsing and I think a lot of men do the same..... By
surprising your wife with an expensive necklace from the jewelers." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3764
You know your computer is a Vista when your problem solver needs to be problem solved.
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3765
"Apparently the Sickipedia iPhone app will soon be updated to allow iPhone users to login, vote
and add Jokes. I hope they remember to add that little “Posted via my iPhone” For no particular
reason of course." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3766
"My wife is leaving me because apparently I'm not 'man enough'. Well at least now, I will get my
turn on the PlayStation." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3767
"Barack Obama, David Cameron and Bill Gates are called to a meeting by God about the future.
“I have given you the chance to help change the world and you have failed, tell your people the
world will end in 2 weeks” God announced. Barack Obama said, “I have good news and bad
news, the good news is God exists but the bad news is we will die in 2 weeks”. David Cameron
said, “I have bad news and really bad news, the bad news is God is angry and the really bad news
is he will destroy us in 2 weeks” Bill Gates said, “I have good news and great news, the good
news is that God thinks I am one of the most powerful men in the world, the great news is we
don't have to fix the new windows bug”" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3768
"I see Sickipedia is being condemned in the news again for users posting Jokes about Liam Gill
hours after his death. Even the media is complaining about database latency now." ComputersTechnology
Joke Number. 3769
My new iPhone's kinda like my girlfriend... I use it, then lock it away in a box. Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3770
"Just been banned from Xbox live. Apparently when playing Jewish people it’s against the rules
to start shouting in German and to only use smoke grenades." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3771
"I and my mates are starting an AC/DC tribute band. We're gonna be called the Half Wave
Rectifiers." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3772
Bebo has been shut down. Tens of people will miss it. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3773
"A US soldier kills and injures troops at an American military base. I guess the wait for Modern
Warfare 2 was a little too much." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3774
"I'm not bill gates. And windows 8, 9, and 10 are my idea. Up yours Microsoft, see you in court."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3775
"I don't know why I used to be scared of Computers. It's not like they byte." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3776
"The iPad 2 is a vast improvement on the original. Now you can't play Flash based content twice
as fast as before." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3777
"Want to ruin a good thing by overpopulating it with old or recycled jokes posted by
newcomers? There's an app for that." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3778
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a
man to the moon. We launch a bird into pigs. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3779
"Three days ago my girlfriend asked me what I wanted for my birthday. 'Easy' I replied. 'Sky
rim. It's what everyone is talking about.' Now three days later, as I'm bent over a plane toilet in a
tiny cubicle, 20,00ft in the air, I can't help but feel I should have elaborated a bit more..."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3780
I like my women like I like my HTML... accessible and compliant Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3781
"I was debating the colour I'll have on my new computer. If I get white, it will work harder. But
if I get black, it will run faster..." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3782
"I've just bought a new Dell laptop... When I switch it on it calls me a 'Plonker'." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3783
I wonder if 60 years from now, robots will go to nightclubs and get a huge kick out of doing
"The Human". Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3784
"News Headline: “US Air Force combines 1,760 PlayStation 3 consoles to create super
computer” ...another thing you can't do on an Xbox." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3785
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're all
panicking over who's going to be deleted. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3786
"400 miles away from Rio de Janeiro over the Atlantic Ocean with a major electrical on board
failure? Sorry, there really isn't an app for that. Best regards iPhone Software Development
Team" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3787
When I first met my wife it wasn't exactly love at first sight... Neither of us had a webcam.
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3788
"Sickipedia stand-up night. Isn't that gonna make it uncomfortable for everyone to reach their
keyboards?" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3789
Am I the only person who didn't come up with the idea of Windows 7? Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3790
"Please make sure your fingers are aligned to the keyboard correctly whilst talking to prospective
employers. You don't want to be telling them about your previous HIV" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3791
"Apparently R1 + L1 + quArter circle on the right stick is the right combination to get a girls bra
off, thank you Heavy Rain However this also rips eyes from Cyclops so this could lead to
potentially terrible dates, or worrying encounters with Cyclops'." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3792
"There are only 49 achievements on Halo 3 they say the 50th is having your girlfriend dump
you" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3793
"I'm a PC, and Windows 7 was my idea... So I'm suing them." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3794
"I just bought the Swiss version of Call of Duty. It's strange, I can only do the training mission..."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3795
I'm an idiot and installing Windows 7 on my computer was my idea... Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3796
"What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding a Trojan horse in your PC."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3797
"The Nokia N8. What will you do with it? Use it as a phone maybe?" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3798
"A system administrator has only two problems... Dumb Users and SmArt Users" Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3799
"After 15 pints my standards drop and I end up doing internet searches for ugly women. Beer
Google’s eh." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3800
"Apparently Sky rim was getting rather popular in South East Asia, It was, however, until it took
an arrow Indonesia." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3801
"I've just found a hardcore fetish website exclusively for people who like fatties, ugliest and
gingers! datingdirect.com" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3802
Some guys tried to steal my iPod touch off of me last night. Thankfully they left me alone after I
told them it was an iPhone. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3803
"I've seen the leaked Scarlett Johansson photos, and honestly, I'm disgusted. A measly 2
megapixels, in this day and age?" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3804
"Video Game Developer Award. Even if you're a winner, you're still a loser." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3805
"My mate's computer stores too many cookies. It must be a Dell." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3806
I've been dating a robot girlfriend, on and off Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3807
Yes windows, because I will be using that feature to hide 'buying my wife an engagement ring'
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3808
"I have a blackberry and an apple, both on orange. Amazing fruit balancing skills don't you
think?" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3809
"Apple are to release a new logo which “accurately describes their relationship with their
customers”. It's called the icon." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3810
"Twitter; The only Bird I'm going to tell about my day." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3811
"My wife said that she wants to spend some quality time with me tonight. So I'm going to have
my Xbox headset on mute this evening." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3812
"Madeira: Current death toll of raging torrent rises to 42. I don't see why they didn't just use
Pirate Bay." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3813
"I've just doubled the efficiency and trebled the capacity of my laptop. I deleted Windows."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3814
"Just bought CoD: North Korean Edition Even when I lose, it still says I won." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3815
"I don't know why all these gamers are in the news, moaning about PS3 and now Nintendo being
hacked. Back in the day I once hacked my ZX Spectrum, and got infinite lives on Chuckie Egg.
It was awesome." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3816
"Surfing the internet without a decent antivirus is like walking through a black neighborhood
wearing a Klan mask. Believe me, I tried both." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3817
"Twitter; Making it easier than ever to stalk and kill Z list celebrities." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3818
"This girl my friend knows (we'll call her the dog sitter) was looking after a dog for another
friend while she was on holiday. During this period the dog unfortunately died. The dog sitter
phoned the vets and informed them and asked what to do. They told her to bring the dog in to the
vets. The vets was fairly far away in Liverpool Street, London. And the dog sitter doesn't drive.
She looked round the house for something to put the dog in and ended up choosing a suitcase!
She then headed on to the underground with the dead dog in the suitcase. When finally arriving
at Liverpool Street station trying to get this bag up the stairs she was offered some help. The guy
was surprised how heavy it was and asked what was inside... She just said bits from unit, laptops,
jewelry etc. When they got to the top of the stairs he ran off with the suitcase!" Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3819
"Good looks, success, charm, wit, youth, charisma. For everyone else, there's 'MasterCard'"
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3820
Why pay the normal price for a computer, when you can pay twice as much and get a picture of
an apple on it? Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3821
I'm still a virgin by choice, so I can play World of Warcraft. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3822
"Study: Half of all seniors now use the internet. I read that when my gran sent the entire story to
me in the subject line of an email." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3823
"Language is a constantly evolving thing. For instance, the sentence “Omg, they have an fml
app! wtf?” did not exist a year ago. In reality, it probably shouldn't exist now either." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3824
"I sent an error report. Windows 7 was my idea." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3825
I heard about a new game coming out on the 9th of November, I think it's called 'AfricanAmerican
Ops'. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3826
If Facebook ever shut down, you'd see people roaming the streets shoving pictures in people’s
faces screaming "Do you like this?! DO YOU?!" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3827
"O'Sullivan keeps losing at his own snooker app... The iRonnie." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3828
I just checked the clock but it said 4:04 'Time not found' Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3829
"My wife has an iPhone, my daughter has an iPod, my son has an iPad and me... iPad."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3830
"Sky News: Briton 'Ran Social Nework Site for Paedos' Or “Sickipedia,” as we like to call it"
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3831
"Kinect for Xbox 360. Because real Exercise just isn't virtual enough" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3832
"So the faulty I-phone 4 model is being recalled. I was unaware anyone had managed to call one
in the first place." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3833
Next time I'm on a job interview and they ask my accomplishments, I'm going to say "don't know
if you know this, but Windows 7 was my idea". Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3834
"A friend and I were discussing how much Technology was advancing these days when he said
“Soon we'll be downloading water from the tap”. “Well it's already in sync” I replied."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3835
You know it’s bad when even spellcheck doesn’t have a suggestion Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3836
"My brother refuses to work these days. I should get a new printer." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3837
Just ate a virtual pizza, finished it in 4 Bytes. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3838
Tom-Tom have thought of everything. Not only is there a map showing you which way to go,
but there are also voice directions so that blind drivers know which way to go. Especially the
ones in BMW's. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3839
I thought I was sick making jokes about the Ethiopian aero plane, but then the Sickipedia website
comes along and trumps me by doing an impression of it. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3840
I always feel like I'm getting tested for STDs when I run a virus scan on my computer.
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3841
"I helped the guy next door set up his new wireless broadband yesterday - he hasn't got a clue
about Computers. It's really quick though, we're both pleased with it." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3842
"Just bought one of those cheap knock off iPhones from a site in china for 100 quid. Don't care
what you say the Samsung galaxy looks alright." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3843
"To be honest, I can't see why everyone's so surprised. When was the last thing anything with
“black” in it worked?" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3844
I bet Gaddafi regrets allowing his iPhone to use his current location. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3845
"My wife thinks that I've become a computer nerd and we've got nothing in common. I need to
diagnose our connection problem." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3846
"It's my 30th birthday tomorrow. I'm completely unknown and have never accomplished
anything. I have no job and no prospects. Looking forward to seeing what Google has planned
for me though." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3847
"A Chinese teenager sold a kidney to buy an iPad2. Sounds like a bargain they usually cost an
arm and a leg" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3848
"Wikipedia has a fantastic business model. They fool people into donating money claiming to
help keep the site free." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3849
"I like my women like I like my Xbox. Dead with a red ring." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3850
Governments that try to censor the Internet are SO Pathetic. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3851
When IT technicians get married, instead of saying 'I do' they say 'I accept the Terms &
Conditions'. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3852
Tumbler - A website for teenage girls to express their individuality and uniqueness by posting
things that other people have created, also posted by thousands of other teenage girls.
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3853
Sickipedia, bringing you 20 world cup jokes followed by an off-topic joke from a ginger.
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3854
"IPhone 4: This Changes Everything. Again. I think i liked it better when i could actually make a
call" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3855
They have internet on Computers now? Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3856
"BBC NEWS: Chinese teenager 'sells kidney to buy iPad and iPhone' .... Daft bastered he should
have just done a survey!" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3857
RIP Mega video. We will mourn you for 72 minutes, wait 30 minutes, and then mourn you
again. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3858
“"Coronation Street star Bill Roaches: I've slept with 1000 women” I don't find that so amazing.
I'm more surprised that he knows binary." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3859
"My girlfriend tried an IPad at weekend. Said it wouldn’t fit in her knickers properly. I’ve told
her to stick to tampax in future." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3860
Have you ever stepped on an oscillator? It hurts. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3861
"I came home from work today and my wife said, “I think I've exceeded my bandwidth.” “Don't
worry love,” I replied, “I'll buy you a larger skirt tomorrow.”" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3862
You know you're old when an etch-a-sketch is easier to use than an iPad. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3863
"Notice how there is no option in the relationship box for “happily married” on Facebook-edit-
Notice how there is no Facebook." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3864
"PlayStation move A wii remote with a purple bell end" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3865
"Mobile internet - Trebling the time of toilet breaks at work since 2004." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3866
A Swedish comedian just made fun out of Steve Jobs, saying that he was going to have an
interactive tombstone called die Pad. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3867
The battery on my new iPhone 4S is just ter.... Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3868
"I bought a robotic chauffeur who runs entirely on Windows. He's a software driver."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3869
"I've just bought a new hard drive for my computer, but I've come to realize that the instruction
manuals are getting more and more complicated nowadays. I mean, I just don't know that many
languages." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3870
Breaking News!!! Manchester City release new web browser that claims to be the safest in the
world........ Having no history to delete at all. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3871
What did one O2 customer say to the other? Nothing Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3872
"This year saw Apple Inc. become the richest company in the world. It is rumored that they now
have so much money that they can even afford to buy one of their own laptops." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3873
"What scares old people as it approaches? The Digital Switchover." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3874
A 17 year old boy in China has sold his kidney so he could get the money to buy an iPad 2.
That's a high price to pay... considering the iPad was made by his 5 year old brother. Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3875
The Modern day irony: The "My Music" & "My Videos" folders on your PC contain none of
'your' music or videos. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3876
We're FIFA, and no Technology was our idea! Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3877
"I was messing around on the laptop earlier when the wife started tutting and moaning. “What’s
up with you?” I said. “You've been Tweeting away on that computer all day,” she scoffed, “I've
never seen the fascination with Twitter.” “That'll be because your entire life isn't interesting
enough to fill 140 characters.” I replied." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3878
"Capitalism sucks! Sent via iPhone." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3879
"It's pretty stupid how cats will just play with the same toy over and over as if it might do
something new... ...Hold on, gotta check my iPhone." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3880
"I just read an Article about a school in Botswana where the teachers would savagely beat their
pupils if they got an answer wrong. That's nothing! At my old school we had to use Internet
Explorer." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3881
"Mark Zuckerberg turns 28 today. Winklevoss twins would like to point out that they already
turned 28 first." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3882
Did it really take all that extra staff at the Nat West a whole weekend to turn the computer on &
off? Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3883
Conversation between a man looking round a computer shop and a salesman: Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3884
"Getting the Grim Reaper on your side. There's an app for that." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3885
"The way I motivate myself for work is to set my screensaver as photos of my ex-girlfriends. I
never stop working for more than 4 minutes and 59 seconds." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3886
"Sky have brought out a new version of their HD box that saves energy by going into standby
mode after 12 hours. It's called a Sky Tasman Archer Box or “sleeping satellite” as the engineers
like to call It." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3887
"Like many others, I have been affected badly by the O2 problems this week. It's slightly worse
for me though, because I'm an astronaut." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3888
"My wife works from home on the computer and she's getting pretty fat. So the next time she left
the house..... I deleted all her cookies." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3889
"I work in Tech support for a computer company, if I was a mechanic, most of the conversations
would go like this. Customer: My car isn't working and I need you to fix it immediately, this is
an emergency Mechanic: Alright sir what seems to be the problem? Customer: I don't know, I
tried to use my car on Friday and it didn't work, now it's Monday and I need to get to work and I
can't and this needs to be fixed right now. Mechanic: Can you start the car? Can you even get
into your car? Does it make any sounds when you try to start it? Are all 4 tires there? Customer: I
don't know, I don't know what any of that stuff means, I tried to get to work and it wouldn't let
me and you need to fix it now because you changed my oil 6 months ago. Mechanic: Alright
well what kind of car are you driving? Customer: I don't know, a green one why does that
matter? Mechanic: Please take a look at the back of your car and see if there are any letters or
numbers that would indicate a vehicle model or manufacturer Customer: Ok, my car is a SV2
87K. Mechanic: No sir that's your license plate. My records indicate that you drive a Nissan
Altima, can you confirm that the key you're using to try and get into this car says Nissan on it?
Customer: My key says Lexus but I don't see how that makes a Difference, I've been using this
key on this car for years and it's always worked, what did you do to my car?" Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3890
Every time I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons makes me think they're panicking
over who's getting the chop next. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3891
"Got myself a smArtphone last week, it's brilliant. It turns itself off when the wife rings."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3892
The toughest thing about getting a new phone is teaching it all my swear words. Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3893
"I just sent my Gran a dirty joke. “PMS!” she replied “Don't you mean PMSL Nan?” i asked....
“No, it's the incontinence kicking in again!”" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3894
"I just added Bigfoot as a friend on Facebook. He really needs a clearer profile picture."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3895
"I finally decided to get rid of all the people that constantly send me Farmville requests on
Facebook. My wife was fuming when I blocked all 6 of her accounts." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3896
"If you want to know how much the iPhone has put you in debt, there’s an app for that."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3897
“"If you can see what I can see, you would have the Samsung Galaxy S”... Should have gone to
Spec savers." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3898
"So I was lying in bed with my girlfriend last night, when I decided to 'check-in' using my
Facebook app. It was then that I saw, so had 29 others." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3899
I am addicted. I bought the iPhone, iPad, iTouch... Now iBroke, iHomeless and iRegret.
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3900
iOS 5 update "Improves voice recognition for Australian users using dictation". I imagine
Glaswegian is light years away. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3901
My wife said she's leaving me today because of my obsession with modern warfare 3. Let's see if
she can get past the claymore at the front door Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3902
"The Royal Air Force develops a new fighter jet. It is very fast, extremely agile and more or less
the perfect aircraft. Only one problem occurs time and again - the wings keep breaking off. No
matter what the engineers try, they fail to solve the problem. The Ministry of Defense offers a
special prize of 100,000 to anyone who can find a solution. Among the thousands of submissions
is a letter from Mrs. Brenda White, 70, of Grimsby. She recommends applying perforations to
the points where the wings keep breaking off. All the experts have a good laugh at old Brenda
and try out the other suggested solutions first, but none of them work. In the end, they perforate
the wings at the points where they otherwise break off - and the wings stay intact! All the experts
are astonished and all of them want to know how old Brenda hit upon the idea for the solution.
When she comes to the Ministry to receive her prize, the Minister of Defense himself asks her
directly. “Well, you know,” says Brenda, “it's quite simple really. Has your toilet paper ever torn
at the perforations?”" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3903
"I just got a new job at Apple but I'm not allowed to use the staff car park. I think it’s because
I've got a flash car." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3904
"IPhone 4 S" - Sorry, iPhone for WHAT!?... Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3905
"I used to get confused by Skyrim... But then I took a banana to the forehead." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3906
"My mate turned to me and said “-I feel empty and uninteresting, as if I have nothing to
contribute to the world. I don’t know what to do.” “Update your Facebook status!” I suggested."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3907
"All female athletes racing in London 2012 have been given free Sat Navs So they can find the
finish line" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3908
"Apple have announced that they have come up with a new idea for iPad owners who thought the
iPhone was too small. An iTest." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3909
"Want to plan your route through a forest infested with poisonous bees, whilst half naked and
having to carry the stripper you got knocked up the night before because you're trying to escape
from the man-eating beaver humming the pink panther theme tune? There's an App for that."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3910
Blackberry is now as useful as a Nokia 5110, BUT! Without Snake..... Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3911
"Blame Europe for these ridiculous new laws about websites using cookies... But surely it's the
Americans' fault no-one calls them by their proper English name, biscuits." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3912
"So Microsoft say they'll fix the red ring for free for three years after purchase. Anyone got a box
big enough for a 9 year old?" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3913
"I had my first computer lesson today. It wasn't bad but I spent the first 20 mins putting the
letters in the right order." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3914
"When my PC was taken away for repair, the company said they'd send me something to replace
it while it was being fixed. I should probably cleared my browsing history, because the next day
they sent me a copy of “Barely Legal”." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3915
He who laughs last... just got the joke on T-Mobile. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3916
Because I don't work and I sit around playing computer games all day I balance the feelings of
guilt and shame by playing 'Career Mode' between the hours of 9.00am - 5.00pm Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3917
I'm sad that videos have been replaced, I used to love saying to people, just before going out,
"I'm just gonna use my head cleaner". Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3918
When my friends on Facebook make Status' about how annoyed/angry/upset they are i like to
make sure I let them know where they've gone wrong with their grammar. Just to see the
reaction. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3919
Argh! Has anyone managed to shoot 5 iPads? Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3920
"Tipped my Facebook addicted mate over the edge last night. I liked the link instead of the
picture." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3921
"Problems being a single loser? There's a cat for that" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3922
"What do you call someone who owns an iPhone? It doesn’t matter, they won’t answer."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3923
"Blackberry Messenger is out of action again... That server goes down more than my Mrs."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3924
"Added my first friend on Facebook- my mum. Now I can change my relationship status!"
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3925
"Just finished watching the video of Colonel Gaddafi and it’s safe to say that I am disgusted.
240p render quality, I mean I knew the rebels where under equipped but jeeez.." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3926
"Was asked the question today..... “What’s the biggest icons of the 21st century?” “Phone, Pad &
Pod” Wasn’t the answers they were looking for!" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3927
"I've just had a go of a remote control car that used to be a computer console. It was a Mega
Drive." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3928
Have you seen match.com? There are literally thousands of average looking women to choose
from. I feel like a kid in a broccoli shop. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3929
"IN THE NEWS: Peter Sutcliffe has been selling copies of CD's and MP3s in Prison to his
inmates. It seems there is no end to the Yorkshire Ripper." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3930
Here's a question for all the philosophers out there. If something is listed on page 2 of a google
search, does it really exist? Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3931
"I'll never be up to scratch with the computer age. In my day, you used Trojans to protect
yourself from viruses." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3932
"Miracles all around. Family members sitting back together People actually speaking to each
other over lunch and dinner 60% less driving accidents Police having to search for a new reason
to bust people.........\ It's amazing how a 3 day BB crash change the world" Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3933
"I sent someone the web address of a picture of red bull and sugar It was a hyperlink"
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3934
"I picked up a 99p copy of Avatar the other day. Compared to the 1080p version, the quality is
atrocious." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3935
Apparently Apple are bringing out a new computerized Goat... I Kid you not. ComputersTechnology
Joke Number. 3936
"I saw this great film at the weekend about cyber-bullying. I think it was called 'The Terminator'
or something." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3937
"I wanted to see the full picture. So I pressed F11." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3938
"It seems there's an addiction to iPhone. At least there's an app for that" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3939
"Microsoft's in private browsing <3 Empty browsing history used to be such a giveaway."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3940
Apple Inc. really is getting into everything these days, there’s the iPhone's, iPad's, iPod's etc...
now they are going to launch their own iED's... Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3941
"Apple is a Technology company, built on user experience and on harnessing the Internet. If you
are wondering what the joke is, try ordering an IPad 2 on-line..." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3942
"Some idiot knocked over my recycle bin today. Now there's icons all over my desktop."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3943
"How do you know a blondes been sending emails? Letters in the CD-ROM." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3944
I just bought the wife a new iPad. She said "Isn't modern Technology great nowadays, I can't
wait to use this I'm due on next week" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3945
Say what you like about the iPhone, even without Jobs it still works, Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3946
"I'm in a band called FAT32. We don't do more than three gigs at a time." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3947
"Diablo 3 is the hardest game I've ever played. I can't even make it past the log in screen."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3948
"Apparently Facebook shares are really expensive I felt like a cheapskate just liking photos now"
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3949
"After months of killing myself in the gym I emailed a photo of my new body to my girlfriend's
iPhone. She replied stating she was unable to view it. Turns out the definition wasn't high
enough." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3950
"I just noticed that to clear your history in IE8, you have to select the “Safety” tab. Who said
Microsoft didn't listen to their customers?" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3951
"With Windows 7, you can have 2 windows open at the same time! Well done, Microsoft. Apple
only invented that 10 years ago." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3952
"As I walked along the street tapping away on my 'iPad' someone said, “Get a life!” I said,
“Where do you download one of those from.......?”" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3953
"I've been working at iPhone support for years now. Off and on." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3954
"Typos are easily made. Especially if you're looking for mail order brides..." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3955
"C0RNF1AK3S ...That's a serial number." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3956
"High Definition: Available now in all dictionaries." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3957
“"Can I have a Big Mac please?” “Sir, you've got to be more specific than that.” said the Apple
salesman." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3958
"Apple have paired up with Voldemort, to release a new product that could catch on. It's called
the iBrowse." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3959
Got an iPhone? Turn it into a virtual Blackberry by enabling airplane mode. Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3960
"None of my Asian friends like the new iPhone. I keep trying to tell them it's got more than one
great new feature, but they just think its Siri......." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3961
"I used to like role playing Skyrim, but I've gone off it. Oh the arrow-knee" Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3962
I'm not sure I like the way Facebook lists all the local bike's exes in the "People you may know"
column. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3963
You know you spend too much time on the computer when your finger nails fit the groove of
your keys Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3964
"February 14th, Valentine’s day. Angry birds makes its debut on Facebook. Bit of a
coincidence." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3965
"My lifetime wish was to become a master of The Sims 3, but now I'm thinking of changing it.
First, however I need to save up 20,000 lifetime happiness." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3966
"You'd think that by now, with all the recent advances in Technology, someone would have
come up with some really good fake Loch Ness Monster evidence." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3967
"My new gadget arrived this morning. “What is it Dad?” my son asked as I opened the three foot
by three foot box, “A laptop or a desktop?”. “No son, it's just my free upgrade to the new Nokia”
I replied." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3968
"I got a horse racing App for my phone. You've got to train the horse Android it." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3969
New car, 32-inch television, iPhone and iPad - will make great presents for Christmas next year.
Cheers Susanna Reid Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3970
"I have a TV that picks up 6 channels. Its extra-terrestrial." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3971
"I thought I should let you all know that we've now changed the name of our band from 999MB
to 1023MB. Still haven't done a gig though." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3972
i.e.: is a good example of a bad browser. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3973
I have just tried to write on Christ's wall on Facebook but found his timeline doesn't go back
2000 years Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3974
"I've spent a fortune on iTunes. Every time I plug my iPod into my laptop I get that synching
feeling." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3975
"I've had a rollercoaster of a year in 2010. But I can't be bothered playing Theme Park
Rollercoaster all over again in 2011." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3976
I lost my new phone last night after a heavy drinking session, it’s so hard to find as it is the
world's smallest model, and all I’m left with is a pounding headache and this constant ringing in
my ears. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3977
"My kids always say that I'm out of date with Technology, so I popped down to Car phone
Warehouse..... I wish I hadn't bothered, they didn't have a single car phone in stock." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3978
"Gave my slow pc a reboot this morning. I kicked it twice this time round." Computers-
Technology
Joke Number. 3979
My PC displays a range of irritating warning messages, but this one about cookies really takes
the biscuit. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3980
“"Excuse me son, but do you know where the nearest payphone is?” “Ummm........1992”"
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3981
"Dry stone wall building... a grown man’s Tetris" Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3982
"I made Windows 7. I rang them up and told them OSX Leopard was better, so they copied It."
Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3983
"I never go on websites like chat roulette or omegle with my clothes on." Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3984
I'm so chuffed after buying my first ever smArtphone the other day. Don't remember changing
my service provider to "Connect your charger" though. Computers-Technology
Joke Number. 3985
"Definition of pressure: A wife, a mistress and a mortgage All one month late" Definitions
Joke Number. 3986
"What’s the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps
out in front of a woman driver." Definitions
Joke Number. 3987
Are tops of Mountains called 'The Summit' because no-one could think of a name for them?
Definitions
Joke Number. 3988
I suffer from aibohphobia-the fear of palindromes. Definitions
Joke Number. 3989
"Potent: A shelter for the smallest teletubby." Definitions
Joke Number. 3990
Avoidable: what a bullfighter tries to do. Definitions
Joke Number. 3991
Limousine - a collective noun for a group of slags. Definitions
Joke Number. 3992
"Understanding Marketing You see a fabulous girl at a party. You approach them and say, “I'm
fantastic in bed.” That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
fabulous girl. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, “He's fantastic
in bed.” That's Advertising. You see a fabulous girl at a party. You approach them to get their
telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I'm fantastic in bed.” That's
Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a fabulous girl. You get up, straighten your clothes,
walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a
ride, and then say, “By the way, I'm fantastic in bed.” That's Public Relations. You're at a party
and see a fabulous girl. They walk up to you and say, “I hear you're fantastic in bed.” That's
Brand Recognition." Definitions
Joke Number. 3993
"If I had a billion pounds for every time I underestimated... I would be a millionaire." Definitions
Joke Number. 3994
Arachnoleptic fit - The frantic dance you perform just after you have walked through a spider's
web. Definitions
Joke Number. 3995
"What's the definition of perfect balance? A pregnant hunchback!" Definitions
Joke Number. 3996
Conscience - this silent voice, that tells you somebody could see you... Definitions
Joke Number. 3997
8.7328917415... The cube root of all evil... Definitions
Joke Number. 3998
Women are like a fine wine: when drunk, they are fantastic. Definitions
Joke Number. 3999
"Masturbation: A temporary solution to a permanent problem" Definitions
Joke Number. 4000
"Definition of Rapping: Poetry read aggressively by a black man." Definitions
Joke Number. 4001
Definition of pointless: Jobless people on Facebook updating their status to 'thank god it's
Friday'. Definitions
Joke Number. 4002
"What word, seven letters long, begins with “n”, has “n” in the middle, ends with “n” and stands
for constipation? “nnnnnnn!!”" Definitions
Joke Number. 4003
"What's the definition of cruelty? Walking into an orphanage at Christmas singing, “We Are
Family.”" Definitions
Joke Number. 4004
Did you know, if you took all of the obese people from England & all of the obese people from
America & put them in one place, that place would be Disneyland. Definitions
Joke Number. 4005
"Tesco backs cruelty to puppies... ...every little yelps." Definitions
Joke Number. 4006
Powernap (n) - when you fall asleep on someone who is weaker than you. Definitions
Joke Number. 4007
"What's the definition of an office dilemma? Having a raging hard on concealed only by your
desk when suddenly, the fire alarm goes off." Definitions
Joke Number. 4008
"The definition of irony: The one night you don't check under the bed for the bogeyman, he gets
you while your parents are out eating tapas. Hey, I resent being called the boogeyman"
Definitions
Joke Number. 4009
"What's the definition of gross? When you go down on a pregnant woman and something grabs
your tongue." Definitions
Joke Number. 4010
The definition of terror - When you message your girlfriend and hear your wife’s text tone.
Definitions
Joke Number. 4011
Miser. A hard person to live with, but makes a fine ancestor. Definitions
Joke Number. 4012
Algorithm (n) - a vice president's funky dance moves. Definitions
Joke Number. 4013
Nothing says you're a mute. Definitions
Joke Number. 4014
"Intermittent: (adj) where I went when it started to rain on my camping holiday." Definitions
Joke Number. 4015
"Rubbish - The stuff you throw away. Stuff - The rubbish you keep." Definitions
Joke Number. 4016
"What is the definition of impossible? Using all of your Rizla papers before the cardboard
packaging runs out." Definitions
Joke Number. 4017
I finally took my daughter's Advice and read the dictionary today, apparently no really does
mean no. Definitions
Joke Number. 4018
"Some really confident people say, 'Nothing is impossible' they clearly have not tried to staple
water to a tree!" Definitions
Joke Number. 4019
"Definition of a computer virus: They replicate quickly. Viruses use up valuable system
resources, slowing down the system as they do so. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your
hard disk. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and
systems. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow and the user
will buy new hardware. Does this then make windows a virus?" Definitions
Joke Number. 4020
If I were to make money out of thin air, it'd be fraud. If a bank does it, it's "credit" Definitions
Joke Number. 4021
"What's the definition of strain? Bite marks on the toilet door..." Definitions
Joke Number. 4022
"Tomorrow: (noun) the greatest labour saving device of today." Definitions
Joke Number. 4023
A badly timed high five is just a slap in the face. Definitions
Joke Number. 4024
I looked in an atlas and the world really is flat! Definitions
Joke Number. 4025
A pedantic horse trots into a bar... Definitions
Joke Number. 4026
Ethnic Cleansing..... Not to be confused with a showering black person. Definitions
Joke Number. 4027
"A book containing the meaning of 800,000 words has been completed by students and
professors at a university in Glasgow. They stopped after one of them found out the meaning of
the word “pointless”." Definitions
Joke Number. 4028
Anorexia- Making meals out of nothing Definitions
Joke Number. 4029
"Carpet: (noun) A friendly, furry animal; kept in your automobile." Definitions
Joke Number. 4030
Definition of irony: Being beaten to death by a first aid kit. Definitions
Joke Number. 4031
Foot (noun): Device used for finding Lego in the dark. Definitions
Joke Number. 4032
"I'm having difficulty finding motivation...but it must be in this dictionary somewhere."
Definitions
Joke Number. 4033
The man who invented verbs didn't really know what he was doing. Definitions
Joke Number. 4034
"The definition of false economy: I spent thirty quid on oysters to get my girlfriend in the mood
to swallow the same thing for nothing." Definitions
Joke Number. 4035
"What's the definition of ironic? Putting a Crime stoppers advert on Sickipedia." Definitions
Joke Number. 4036
"What do you call an epileptic lesbian? A vibrator." Definitions
Joke Number. 4037
"Observational Comedy. What’s that all about then?" Definitions
Joke Number. 4038
"I now know the feeling of having mixed emotions.... My Dad just informed me, he has Cancer
and “it's hereditary.”.... My Mum then tells me “he's not your Father!”" Definitions
Joke Number. 4039
Stockings: Basically tights with an al fresco eating area. Definitions
Joke Number. 4040
Enjoying my morning glory this morning when my mum walked in and said 'don’t u think it’s
time to get up', I think I gave the wrong answer when i looked at her all seductively and replied
'I’m already up darling'.......... Definitions
Joke Number. 4041
The definition of fear...waking from having your tooth filled to find knee prints on the armrests
of the dentist's chair. Definitions
Joke Number. 4042
"A new definition for Pole Position: Lying in the trees at the end of the track." Definitions
Joke Number. 4043
"What would you call the definition of surprise? Answer: A fart with a lump in it." Definitions
Joke Number. 4044
Forward slash (adj) - giving directions to the guns n roses guitarist. Definitions
Joke Number. 4045
Gastronomy is the science of using a telescope to watch fat people eating. Definitions
Joke Number. 4046
"I looked up the definition of “definition” today. It read, “Get a life”." Definitions
Joke Number. 4047
Pencils: for people who plan on making mistakes. Definitions
Joke Number. 4048
"I don't trust dictionaries. Nothing should have the power to define its own existence."
Definitions
Joke Number. 4049
Music: Ruins Babe station. Definitions
Joke Number. 4050
Trigonometry: its hype to b squared. Definitions
Joke Number. 4051
Parasites - What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Definitions
Joke Number. 4052
The definition of irony: Super nanny Jo Frost giving weight loss tips to parents about their kids.
Definitions
Joke Number. 4053
"I was watching this video where these black blokes were using a park to work out, it brought a
new meaning to “monkey bars”." Definitions
Joke Number. 4054
"I looked up “redirect” in the dictionary. It read, “See divert”." Definitions
Joke Number. 4055
"Free press: When your mum irons your trousers for you." Definitions
Joke Number. 4056
"My wife said I'm, “awfully pedantic” the other day. “The 'awfully' part isn't really necessary”, I
said." Definitions
Joke Number. 4057
"Midgets. So that even Dwarfs can feel useful" Definitions
Joke Number. 4058
"What do you call a fat man surrounded by several scantily-clad women? A plimp" Definitions
Joke Number. 4059
Football: Americans no good at it, invented their own version that no other country plays thus
they can’t be beaten at it! Definitions
Joke Number. 4060
"The REAL definition of irony. God giving women wisdom teeth." Definitions
Joke Number. 4061
"What's the definition of awkwardness? The Germans telling Podolsk to hit the showers."
Definitions
Joke Number. 4062
"What's the definition of irritating? **Complete this quick online survey to unlock the answer!
**" Definitions
Joke Number. 4063
Take me out - deal or no deal but with smellier boxes... Definitions
Joke Number. 4064
"I wrote a Darwinian style book on Asian evolution: “Thailand: The Origin of the 'He/She's”."
Definitions
Joke Number. 4065
Definition of Idiotic: A person who pays full price for a sofa. Definitions
Joke Number. 4066
Explain (n) - a former flying vehicle. Definitions
Joke Number. 4067
"Turf Wars the Irish version of snowball fights." Definitions
Joke Number. 4068
"Gynecologist" - A crack investigator. Definitions
Joke Number. 4069
"I asked my mate ''What does confidential mean?'' ''It's secret, keeping it to myself.'' He replied.
''I only asked you a question, you don’t have to be like that.''" Definitions
Joke Number. 4070
"The reason I go on Facebook. Maximum Respect for the British Army... Many who like
Cadbury Crème Egg like this? Enough said." Definitions
Joke Number. 4071
DIVORCE: Future tense of marriage. Definitions
Joke Number. 4072
Worship (n) - a Geordie's boat. Definitions
Joke Number. 4073
"I looked up “baffling” in the dictionary. The definition though was confusing..." Definitions
Joke Number. 4074
"Awkward: when someone stops you in the street for directions an you end up walking the same
way next to each other" Definitions
Joke Number. 4075
"Dilapidated: The ability to perform huge throw-ins." Definitions
Joke Number. 4076
Irony: Soldiers playing "Risk" in Afghanistan. Definitions
Joke Number. 4077
Axe (verb) - What a black person does when they have a question. Definitions
Joke Number. 4078
"Definition of contradiction! As seen on Teledex, Healthy people are dying of swine flu."
Definitions
Joke Number. 4079
Bridegroom. Noun. A man with a fine prospect of happiness behind him. Definitions
Joke Number. 4080
Phonezheimer's - The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting who you were calling
just as they answer. Definitions
Joke Number. 4081
"Definition of a Yorkshire man, A Scots man with all the generosity squeezed out of him!"
Definitions
Joke Number. 4082
Whoever invented the phrase, "And one for good luck", obviously never met someone with
Downs Syndrome. Definitions
Joke Number. 4083
"Apathy. I can take or leave it." Definitions
Joke Number. 4084
"My girlfriend came over to me today and simply said “The earth, together with all of its
countries, peoples, and natural features” It meant the world to me." Definitions
Joke Number. 4085
"Morning sickness the feeling when waking up after a night out and rolling over to discover
exactly what hippo, elephant or whale it was you unashamedly ploughed for 30 seconds."
Definitions
Joke Number. 4086
I didn't know what irony was until I found out that the Inland Revenue tax office is based in
Liverpool. Definitions
Joke Number. 4087
"The word “salary” comes from the Latin word for salt as salt was often used to pay workers.
That explains why I have to drink so much when I get mine." Definitions
Joke Number. 4088
Today's redneck definition: Obama - "I bought me a case of beer and drank it Obama self."
Definitions
Joke Number. 4089
"I have two pet hates. Much more fun than having a cat or a dog" Definitions
Joke Number. 4090
"What's the definition of a gentleman? Someone who can play the bagpipes, but doesn't."
Definitions
Joke Number. 4091
"A large piece of cloth intended to keep the user warm especially while sleeping. I really need to
stop with these blanket statements." Definitions
Joke Number. 4092
Hedonistic (n) - Victoria Beckham Definitions
Joke Number. 4093
I nearly died with fright when I was told I suffer from Macroxenoglossophobia Definitions
Joke Number. 4094
"PMT: (n) An afternoon hot beverage." Definitions
Joke Number. 4095
"What’s a sheep's definition of pain? A black Welshman" Definitions
Joke Number. 4096
We're not racist, we're ethno-differentials. Definitions
Joke Number. 4097
I have an existential map, it has' you are here' written all over it. Definitions
Joke Number. 4098
Irony- The ironic thing about it is that I don't have a clue what it means Definitions
Joke Number. 4099
"What is a cloak? The mating call of a Chinese toad." Definitions
Joke Number. 4100
"What do you call a woman who has been mauled on the side of her head by a cat? Claudia"
Definitions
Joke Number. 4101
"I've decided to make money writing dieting Books. I'm told they appeal to a very wide
audience." Diets
Joke Number. 4102
"I went on a diet recently, came off drinking and heavy eating. In fourteen days I've lost exactly
two weeks." Diets
Joke Number. 4103
"I walked in the pub yesterday and I couldn't help but notice a guy sat at the bar scribbling on
some paper and laughing hysterically. “Why are you so happy?” I asked. “My wife's been on a
diet for the last 4 days, and she's lost 5 pounds.” the man replied. “What's so funny about that?” I
asked. “Well,” he says “I've worked out that in 4 months, she will have disappeared
completely!”" Diets
Joke Number. 4104
"An American father says to his son, “And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as
me?” Son replies, “Diet.”" Diets
Joke Number. 4105
I've been doing really well on my diet recently, but the other day I ate a 50p coin. People keep
saying to me "You look like you've put on half a pound..." Diets
Joke Number. 4106
Can someone please tell fat women that skin tight jeans are a fashion statement not a challenge
Diets
Joke Number. 4107
"What does a diet and a black man have in common? They don't work." Diets
Joke Number. 4108
"Diets. They're for people who are thick and tired of it." Diets
Joke Number. 4109
"It’s probably not a good sign when you step on your Wii Fit board and it says, 1 Player at a time
please" Diets
Joke Number. 4110
To gain weight, takeaway Pizza. To lose weight, take away Pizza. Diets
Joke Number. 4111
"I've nearly finished the pills the doctor gave me to stop me from being so greedy. I want some
more." Diets
Joke Number. 4112
"Earlier today a fat girl said she was uncomfortable with her body, I'd be uncomfortable too If I
had to carry all that weight around." Diets
Joke Number. 4113
These anemic people can really take a leaf from Iron Man's book. Diets
Joke Number. 4114
"I absolutely REFUSE to swallow my pride. The last thing I need in my diet right now is more
empty calories" Diets
Joke Number. 4115
"Started my diet this morning. Already lost 2 pounds. The coin fell down the side of the car seat
and my hands are too fat to squeeze down there." Diets
Joke Number. 4116
"What's the Difference between a Leeds girl and an elephant? Two stone. How do you make
them the same? Give the elephant a sandbag." Diets
Joke Number. 4117
"My mate bet me a tenner I couldn't come up with a good Vegetarian joke... I had a few, but
gave him the money there and then. They were all to Quorny..." Diets
Joke Number. 4118
I don't know why girls are so touchy about saying how much they weigh, it's not going to stop
people seeing how fat they are. Diets
Joke Number. 4119
"I've just started at slimming world and it's brilliant, you're allowed 15 sins a day. I've been doing
gluttony and sloth today." Diets
Joke Number. 4120
On a whim I named my cat Hamburger Helper. The funny thing was it tasted like chicken. Diets
Joke Number. 4121
"2nd day of my diet. I've lost 7 pounds. I'm gutted, I was gonna buy a kebab with that." Diets
Joke Number. 4122
My wife's really found her feet with this new Weight Watchers' diet. Diets
Joke Number. 4123
"i got kicked out of fat fighters today. Apparently it’s not the British equivalent to sumo
wrestling!" Diets
Joke Number. 4124
"I went to a bulimia meeting today. I didn't want to mention lunch but they kept bringing it up"
Diets
Joke Number. 4125
"Had to think of a gravestone inscription for my wife. I think she would have approved..
“Finally found a diet that seemed to be working”" Diets
Joke Number. 4126
"I'm trying to drop two dress sizes for the summer. The wife's up to a 14 now!" Diets
Joke Number. 4127
"The wife has gone on a crash diet... She dented the car so I knocked her teeth out." Diets
Joke Number. 4128
"I was out on my first date with a girl from work and she asked “are you more of a cat or dog
person”? 'As long as there's some tomato sauce I'll eat anything!' I replied." Diets
Joke Number. 4129
“"So what do you do?” My new roommate asked me. “I work with people who have let
themselves go in life and to help them find their feet again.” I said proudly. “Oh, wow!” Said my
new roommate. “That must be very rewarding work.” I shrugged. “Just an ordinary day at
Weight Watchers.”" Diets
Joke Number. 4130
"Define irony? Small doors at McDonald's." Diets
Joke Number. 4131
"Since Christmas I have managed to lose 10 pounds. I think a fiver a month to Weight Watchers
is fair enough for their Advice." Diets
Joke Number. 4132
"My psychic girlfriend was a size 20 and sad. But now she has lost weight to a size 12 and is a
happy medium." Diets
Joke Number. 4133
"Me: My fat wife is on a three week diet. Mate: How much has she lost so far? Me: Two weeks."
Diets
Joke Number. 4134
These last few weeks, I've been eating healthily and getting a lot of Exercise, so I'm going to
need some serious detoxing. Diets
Joke Number. 4135
"Dieting sucks A waist is a terrible thing to mind" Diets
Joke Number. 4136
"Women's first thought when coming across a skid mark in the toilet: “Eeww! That's horrible; I
must get cleaning equipment before I can use this.” Men's first thought when coming across a
skid mark in the toilet: “Hmmm... Can I remove this with the contents of my bladder?”"
Difference
Joke Number. 4137
"What is the Difference between a pair of jeans and an Ethiopian? A pair of jeans only has one
fly on it." Difference
Joke Number. 4138
"What's the Difference between Hitler and Paula Radcliffe? Hitler tried to finish the race."
Difference
Joke Number. 4139
"What is the Difference between a black man and a bicycle? A bicycle doesn't sing when you put
chains on it." Difference
Joke Number. 4140
"What's the Difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroo? One's a kangaroo and one's a
Geordie stuck in a lift." Difference
Joke Number. 4141
"What is the Difference between a midget and a freak? Political correctness" Difference
Joke Number. 4142
"What's the Difference between SpongeBob Square Pants and Maddie? SpongeBob WANTS to
live at the bottom of the sea." Difference
Joke Number. 4143
"What's the Difference between Emile Heskey and Madeleine McCann? Maddie scored before
she died." Difference
Joke Number. 4144
"What's the Difference between a baby and a Mars Bar? About 500 calories." Difference
Joke Number. 4145
"What's the Difference between Americans and sumo wrestlers? Americans make sumo wrestlers
look anorexic." Difference
Joke Number. 4146
"A friend of mine pulled out the old joke of shoving two fingers under my nose and saying
“Smell your mum” So I punched him in the face and said “Smell your Nan.”" Difference
Joke Number. 4147
"What's the Difference between women and Computers? You can stick a floppy into a
computer." Difference
Joke Number. 4148
"What's the Difference between a baby and a catholic priest? One sucks its fingers..." Difference
Joke Number. 4149
"I had a big row with the wife last night. She said, “You don't love me anymore full stop!” I said,
“You're wrong - I don't love you anymore exclamation mark!”" Difference
Joke Number. 4150
"What's the Difference between Gary Glitter and Maddie McCann’s parents? Gary Glitter comes
back from holiday with more kids than he left with." Difference
Joke Number. 4151
"What's the Difference between Emile Heskey and Heather Mills? Heather Mills has got a right
foot." Difference
Joke Number. 4152
"What's the Difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F." Difference
Joke Number. 4153
"What's the Difference between a rabbi and a priest? A rabbi cuts it off, and a priest sucks it off."
Difference
Joke Number. 4154
"What is the Difference between a baby and a fridge? A fridge doesn't scream when you pack it
with meat." Difference
Joke Number. 4155
"Ahhhhh........Oral in the morning, Role play in the afternoon. I better start revising for these
French tests." Difference
Joke Number. 4156
"What's the Difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 45 minutes." Difference
Joke Number. 4157
"What is the Difference between a white owl and a black owl? A white owl says “who”, “who”
and a black owl says “who dat”, “who dat”." Difference
Joke Number. 4158
"What's the Difference between the All Blacks and a teabag? The teabag stays in the cup
longer!" Difference
Joke Number. 4159
"What’s the Difference between Russell Crowe and Madeleine McCann? Madeleine still makes
decent films." Difference
Joke Number. 4160
"What's the Difference between your mum and our local? Our local gives good head." Difference
Joke Number. 4161
"What's the Difference between a paki drug smuggler in China and me? I'm going to wake up
tomorrow." Difference
Joke Number. 4162
"Only_girls_allowed wrote: What's the Difference between Kate and Gerry McCann and Josef
Fritz? Josef knows where his daughter is. -------------------------------------- That's not really a
Difference is it?" Difference
Joke Number. 4163
"What's the Difference between a toilet-brush and a toothbrush? The taste." Difference
Joke Number. 4164
"What’s the Difference between karate and evolution? In karate you start off white and end up
black." Difference
Joke Number. 4165
"What's the Difference between Remembrance Day and an Andy Parsons joke? We only have 2
minutes silence on Remembrance Day." Difference
Joke Number. 4166
"What's the Difference between a traffic warden and a sperm cell? The sperm cell has at least 1
out of 375,000,000 chance of getting a life." Difference
Joke Number. 4167
"What's the Difference between my epileptic brother and my new jigsaw? I can't get my jigsaw
to fit." Difference
Joke Number. 4168
"What's the Difference between Rolf Harris and the Australian cricket team? Rolf Harris can
draw gracefully." Difference
Joke Number. 4169
"What’s the Difference between a woman and a ball of string? The string won't go on forever."
Difference
Joke Number. 4170
"Q: What's the Difference between a burnt pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant woman? A: In
each case, there's a moron who didn't pull it out on time" Difference
Joke Number. 4171
"What's the Difference between Madeleine McCann and Susan Boyle? Susan Boyle hasn't been
fingered." Difference
Joke Number. 4172
"What's the Difference between a postman and a postwoman? A few letters." Difference
Joke Number. 4173
"What's the Difference between Madeleine McCann and Haiti? I know where Madeleine
McCann is." Difference
Joke Number. 4174
"What's the Difference between a brothel and daycare? You use protection in a brothel."
Difference
Joke Number. 4175
"What's the Difference between Jordan and the X Factor? The X Factor only had half a million
entries this year" Difference
Joke Number. 4176
"What's the Difference between Iceland food and Iceland customers? Some of the food isn't
battered." Difference
Joke Number. 4177
"What's the Difference between James Corden and AIDS? I don't hope AIDS will suffer from
James Corden." Difference
Joke Number. 4178
"What’s the Difference between Sir Alex Ferguson and Michael Jackson? Sir Alex will still be
pulling young men off in August." Difference
Joke Number. 4179
"What's the Difference between Michael Jackson and a bag of marshmallows? Not much.
They're both white, made Children's faces all sticky, and will be roasted in fire soon." Difference
Joke Number. 4180
"What's the Difference between the KKK and the English government? One knows what it’s
doing, and the other doesn't have a klu." Difference
Joke Number. 4181
"What's the Difference between an American and a tub of lard? The tub." Difference
Joke Number. 4182
"Why do women have larger hips than men? To balance the washing basket on." Difference
Joke Number. 4183
"What's the Difference between Michael Jackson and Chicken Pox? Chicken Pox is still coming
over kids." Difference
Joke Number. 4184
"What's the Difference between Jade Goody and Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi? Max Clifford."
Difference
Joke Number. 4185
"What's the Difference between an egg and cancer? Jade Goody could beat an egg." Difference
Joke Number. 4186
"What's the Difference between the Haitian Earthquake and Madeleine McCann? One started at
the bottom of the sea..." Difference
Joke Number. 4187
"What's the Difference between the Eithiopian plane crash and Michael Jackson? One makes a
crash site, the other makes a site crash" Difference
Joke Number. 4188
"What's the Difference between Hitler and Prince Phillip? Hitler's dead." Difference
Joke Number. 4189
"What's the Difference between a Terry's chocolate orange and a dead body? You don't need to
whack a dead body before you unwrap it." Difference
Joke Number. 4190
"What’s the Difference between praying in a church and praying on the golf course? You really
mean it when you’re on the golf course..." Difference
Joke Number. 4191
"The Difference between being married and being single? When you're single, it takes you two
hours to get ready to go out. When you're married, it takes you two hours to get ready to leave
the pub." Difference
Joke Number. 4192
I love playing rock, paper, scissors with quadriplegics; they always go for rock Difference
Joke Number. 4193
Does anyone know where Concentrate is? I've been drinking this lovely orange juice from there.
Difference
Joke Number. 4194
"What’s the Difference between Susan Boyle and Susan Boyle's house? Her house has been
broken in." Difference
Joke Number. 4195
"What's the Difference between Ronaldo and God? God doesn't think he's Ronaldo." Difference
Joke Number. 4196
"What’s the Difference between Maddie McCann and a SmArt car? You can't fit 3 blokes in a
smArt car." Difference
Joke Number. 4197
If someone says 'don't tell a soul' does that mean you can still tell gingers? Difference
Joke Number. 4198
"What's the Difference between Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein? One's washed up at the bottom
of the sea, the other's hanging out to dry." Difference
Joke Number. 4199
"What's the Difference between a wife and a wheelie bin? You only have to take out a wheelie
bin once a week." Difference
Joke Number. 4200
"What's the Difference between Manchester City and Swine Flu? At least Swine Flu is reaching
Europe." Difference
Joke Number. 4201
"What’s the Difference between RAM and CPU.... You can't CPU a gibbon." Difference
Joke Number. 4202
"What's the Difference between an Ikea flat-pack wardrobe which is missing the adhesive, and
an Ikea employee? One is a glue less kit." Difference
Joke Number. 4203
There's those times you know what you're talking about, and then there's times when... you
know. When you. Well you know what I mean. Difference
Joke Number. 4204
"What’s the Difference between rob green and jade goody? Jade goody could have saved that."
Difference
Joke Number. 4205
"What's the Difference between a woman and a towel? On the towel you look for the dry places."
Difference
Joke Number. 4206
What's the Difference between an NFL quArterback and 19th century governments?
Nothing. Black people are still being worked hard with a white guy taking all the credit.
Difference
Joke Number. 4207
"What weighs more, a tonne of bricks or a tonne of feathers? Your mum. It was a trick question."
Difference
Joke Number. 4208
"What's the Difference between Michael Jackson and Baby P? Baby P had more hits before he
died." Difference
Joke Number. 4209
"What's the Difference between the World Economy and Tommy Cooper? Everybody laughed
when Tommy Cooper collapsed" Difference
Joke Number. 4210
"What's the Difference between WalmArt and Michael Jackson? At Wal-MArt, kids' clothing is
only 10% off." Difference
Joke Number. 4211
"What’s the Difference between pinball and my wife? Ive only cheated on pinball once."
Difference
Joke Number. 4212
"Depeche Mode singer Dave Gahan caused fury in Peru- by thanking the wrong country. After a
concert in Lima, he shouted: “Thanks very much, Chile.” I know exactly how he feels. At the
end of an after-dinner speaking gig last week, I said to the audience: “Ladies and gentlemen of
Hull, goodnight.” Turns out I was actually in Basra." Difference
Joke Number. 4213
"What's the Difference between Father Christmas and the City link Delivery man? One is a
fictional character who doesn't actually deliver presents at Christmas and the other is Santa."
Difference
Joke Number. 4214
"What’s the Difference between a catholic priest and Gary Glitter? At least Gazza will use a
condom." Difference
Joke Number. 4215
"What’s the Difference between lenny henry and Emile Heskey? Lenny Henry has scored against
the French" Difference
Joke Number. 4216
"What's the Difference between my girlfriend and the Aussie cricket team? My girlfriend's
DEFINITELY gonna get spanked." Difference
Joke Number. 4217
"What's the Difference between you and your mum? Your mum is trying to diet..." Difference
Joke Number. 4218
"What's the Difference between Stephen Hawking and a Dalek? A Dalek has got an English
accent." Difference
Joke Number. 4219
"What's the Difference between the new Swine Flu website and Sickipedia? At least 5 people
managed to access the Swine Flu website in the last 24 hours." Difference
Joke Number. 4220
"What's the Difference between Ricky Ponting and my sweaty pants? Sweaty pants will stick at
the crease all day." Difference
Joke Number. 4221
"What's the Difference between a team managed by Gary Megson and a French Army tank?
Once, for just a few moments, the French Army tank went forward yeah , it was doing a 3 point
turn" Difference
Joke Number. 4222
"What's the Difference between a baby and a banana? I don't get a hard on peeling a banana."
Difference
Joke Number. 4223
"What’s the Difference between me and a 40 year old virgin? I’m not 40 yet ..." Difference
Joke Number. 4224
"What's the Difference between a boxer and a woman? A boxer stands up to get knocked down
and a woman lies down to get knocked up." Difference
Joke Number. 4225
"What's the Difference between Emile Heskey and Amy Winehouse? Amy got at least one killer
shot in before she died." Difference
Joke Number. 4226
"Q. What's the Difference between an emo and a Goth? A. What's the point? You wouldn't
understand" Difference
Joke Number. 4227
"What’s the Difference between Sickipedia and the 18th century? Not a lot really..." Difference
Joke Number. 4228
We are all individuals except for me. Difference
Joke Number. 4229
"What’s the Difference between my wife and a dog? i let the dog out on weekends" Difference
Joke Number. 4230
"What’s the Difference between my missus and my dog? My missus can bury a bone without
getting her nose dirty" Difference
Joke Number. 4231
"A black girl at work asked me “Have you ever been with a sister before?” I told her “No... just a
few cousins.”" Difference
Joke Number. 4232
"What's the Difference between Mollie Sugden and Michael Jackson? About 9000 Sickipedians
from when I tried to get on here last week." Difference
Joke Number. 4233
"What's the Difference between Ricky Ponting and a prison facial? One's a convict chewing his
gum and the other's a convict going his chum." Difference
Joke Number. 4234
"Q: How can you tell the Difference between a happy sperm and an unhappy sperm? A: The
happy sperm is the one with egg on his face." Difference
Joke Number. 4235
"What's the Difference between Alice in Wonderland and Billy Wright? Alice made it out of the
Maze....." Difference
Joke Number. 4236
"I woke up this morning in my own bed, sheets dry, with full memory of everything I did the
night before. Dude, I was so sober last night..." Difference
Joke Number. 4237
"What's the Difference between a woman and a plate? You lick a plate when you're finished."
Difference
Joke Number. 4238
"What's the Difference between a HIV results letter & my ex-girlfriends legs? One was hard to
open. The other is hard to keep closed." Difference
Joke Number. 4239
"What's the Difference between a ginger and a blonde? About 500 friends on Facebook."
Difference
Joke Number. 4240
"What's the Difference between Michael Jackson's right hand and mine? I can still touch kids
with mine." Difference
Joke Number. 4241
"What's the Difference between Michael Jackson and Sir Alex Ferguson? Someone really
should've told Michael Jackson he'd get nowhere with kids." Difference
Joke Number. 4242
"Q: What’s the Difference between Justin biber and a used condom? A: Everyone would laugh if
I bust Justin Bieber" Difference
Joke Number. 4243
"Some people call me antisocial. I wish they'd just leave me alone." Difference
Joke Number. 4244
"BBC NEWS: A Tibetan Mastiff was sold today in China for $600,000 dollars American.
Idiots...You can buy the same dog in Vietnam for 5 dollars and it includes a side of fries and a
drink." Difference
Joke Number. 4245
"What's the Difference between my gas boiler and the American Air Force? When the pilot on
my boiler goes out, I'm not worried about it blowing up British troops." Difference
Joke Number. 4246
"What's the Difference between a paedophile and a pediatrician? The paedophile really loves
Children." Difference
Joke Number. 4247
“"What's the Difference between carol singers and trick or treat kids?” “Nothing, you are getting
life imprisonment for both crimes.”" Difference
Joke Number. 4248
"What's the Difference between men and women? wo" Difference
Joke Number. 4249
"What's the Difference between my girlfriend and my sister? That's not a joke, I genuinely can't
think of a Difference." Difference
Joke Number. 4250
"What's the Difference between Alecia Moore and Humpty Dumpty? One is Pink and had a great
fall, the other is an egg." Difference
Joke Number. 4251
"I was going to make a joke about stammering. But it's a big no no. Difference
Joke Number. 4252
"What's the Difference between a toilet and a woman? A toilet doesn't follow you around for
days after you've used it." Difference
Joke Number. 4253
"What's the Difference between a porch monkey and a yard ape? The length of the rope."
Difference
Joke Number. 4254
"What is the Difference between owning a Ferrari and being a suicide bomber? If you have a
Ferrari, you'll be blown up but at least you have a CHANCE of getting with 72 virgins"
Difference
Joke Number. 4255
"What's the Difference between Cheryl Cole and Susan boyle. An erection." Difference
Joke Number. 4256
"What's the Difference between my Wife and a DArtboard? Throwing DArts at my wife is
enjoyable." Difference
Joke Number. 4257
"What did the Cyclops say to his missis? You're the one eye love..." Difference
Joke Number. 4258
"What's the Difference between Justin Bieber and grapes? You'd take your shoes and socks off to
stamp on grapes." Difference
Joke Number. 4259
"What's the Difference between Michael Jackson and Jade Goody? Jade Goody only left two
boys behind weeping." Difference
Joke Number. 4260
"What's the Difference between Amanda Holden and Pizza Express? Pizza Express can manage
a delivery." Difference
Joke Number. 4261
"I ordered a new welcome mat and decided to have it delivered. I told them that, if I am not in
just leave it by the front door. They said they could not leave a package outside as it might get
stolen." Difference
Joke Number. 4262
"A math teacher's wife gave birth to two twins, and they were called dy and dx. I told him that I
couldn't differentiate between the two." Difference
Joke Number. 4263
"What is the connection between; Jade Goody. Phil Cornwell and Michael Jackson? Dead
Minger Dead Ringer Dead Singer. Difference
Joke Number. 4264
"What's the Difference between Maddie and Jordan? When I look at a picture of Jordan, I don't
get a semi" Difference
Joke Number. 4265
What’s the Difference between Hitler and sickipedia? Hitler liked duplicates Difference
Joke Number. 4266
"What's the Difference between Cary Grant and Russell Grant? You can rustle Cary Grant...."
Difference
Joke Number. 4267
"What's the Difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? One goes: Whack!
“Argggghhhh!” The other goes: “Argggghhhh!” Whack!" Difference
Joke Number. 4268
"What's the Difference between Rick Saloman and Michael Jackson? Rick Saloman has only had
one night in Paris" Difference
Joke Number. 4269
"What's the Difference between Jordan and Maddie? Jordan's tighter." Difference
Joke Number. 4270
"Dating Advert: Midget very kind and nice to put it short and sweet." Difference
Joke Number. 4271
...What's the Difference between my mum and my sister???? I always wear a condom with my
mum!!!!! Difference
Joke Number. 4272
"What's the Difference between a pool party and a fancy dress party? Nothing to me, I usually go
as Tarzan to either." Difference
Joke Number. 4273
"What’s the Difference between Steven Barker and Gary Glitter? One beats up kids and the other
beats off on kids." Difference
Joke Number. 4274
"Watching 8 out of 10 cats through my fingers - Jimmy Carr looks like he's been crying. Hope
they drop him and bring in someone we can feel comfortable with, like Michael Barrymore."
Difference
Joke Number. 4275
"What's the Difference between Emile Heskey and a table football player? Heskey's black."
Difference
Joke Number. 4276
"What's the Difference between the England national team and the new iPhone 4? England's
reception was a lot better than I expected." Difference
Joke Number. 4277
"What do twins and fruit fetishists have in common? They both come in pears" Difference
Joke Number. 4278
"What's the Difference between The Descent and What Katie did next? One is based around a
giant cave that housed some backward blind specimen and the other is a film worth watching."
Difference
Joke Number. 4279
Lady Gaga & Dr. Seuss surprisingly have a lot in common. Both of them are known for being
kooky, for breaking boundaries and for being men. Difference
Joke Number. 4280
"What's the Difference between toilet paper and toast? Toast is brown on both sides." Difference
Joke Number. 4281
"What's the Difference between a dissolution and a solution? A dissolution would be to throw a
paki into a tank of acid. A solution would be to throw them all into it." Difference
Joke Number. 4282
"What’s the Difference between Katie Price and the Twin Towers? Katie Price went down faster
with more people inside her." Difference
Joke Number. 4283
"What's the Difference between Hitler and Susan Boyle? Hitler trimmed his moustache."
Difference
Joke Number. 4284
"I chastised a dinner guest because he expressed his wind after his meal, but he was unrepentant.
“I come from Saudi Arabia, and it is polite to do that to show one's appreciation of the food” he
said. That may be so, but I'm sure it's not polite to follow through all over your chair." Difference
Joke Number. 4285
"What's the Difference between Elvis, and Rudolf Hess? Elvis didn't come to Scotland to sing"
Difference
Joke Number. 4286
What's the Difference between the Royal Mail strike and Diana? A Royal Mail strike stops the
post ... and a post stops Diana Difference
Joke Number. 4287
"What’s the Difference between a paedophile and a teacher? Teachers get paid." Difference
Joke Number. 4288
"First world stoner problem: Not being able to hear the TV over the sound of crisps being eaten.
Third world stoner problem: Nothing to get rid of cottonmouth." Difference
Joke Number. 4289
"A drunk girl accused me of being a “Prehistoric dinosaur” So I Raptor" dinosaurs
Joke Number. 4290
Fossils- the only thing they tell us is that dinosaurs lived underground. Dinosaurs
Joke Number. 4291
"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotapus" dinosaurs
Joke Number. 4292
"My parents tried to put me off becoming an archaeologist. They said there was no future in it."
Dinosaurs
Joke Number. 4293
My cat died of a stroke this morning, I’ll have to be gentler next time. Dinosaurs
Joke Number. 4294
I don't want to alarm anyone but since that Volcano erupted, I haven't seen a single dinosaur..
Dinosaurs
Joke Number. 4295
"Was watching Take Me Out earlier when a young black man who went by the name of 'Silky'
stole the hearts of all the women. And their purses." Dinosaurs
Joke Number. 4296
And on the seventh day, God said "EEK, DINOSAURS!" and bombarded the Earth with
meteors. Dinosaurs
Joke Number. 4297
T-Rex, the Jeremy Beadle of the dinosaur world. Dinosaurs
Joke Number. 4298
What did T-Rex's do if they were happy and knew it? Dinosaurs
Joke Number. 4299
"Being a big fan of Mark Bolan I have to say I was a little disappointed in the T-Rex t-shirt I
ordered off of EBay. It was a little short in the arms and a few hundred sizes too big." Dinosaurs
Joke Number. 4300
y do people who watch x factor type like dis? Dinosaurs
Joke Number. 4301
"I imagine that if you were to cut open an archaeopteryx, its stomach would be full of worms.
After all, it was the earliest bird." Dinosaurs
Joke Number. 4302
"How Did The Dinosaurs Die? Well, after they ate everything on Earth, they dug deep into the
ground to search for food. Sadly, they became trapped in their own holes, which is why their
skeletons are found underground today." Dinosaurs
Joke Number. 4303
"What do you call a lesbian Dinosaur? Extinct" dinosaurs
Joke Number. 4304
"Troll Hunter TV ad: “The best monster movie since Jurassic Park” “You've never seen anything
like this before” Uh... Jurassic Park?" dinosaurs
Joke Number. 4305
"I don't know why Christians are getting worried about this rapture. They don't even believe in
Dinosaurs." Dinosaurs
Joke Number. 4306
"If the tongue is the strongest muscle, How come I can never get that bit of Wots it out of my
back tooth?" dinosaurs
Joke Number. 4307
"I don't understand why scientists say that the dinosaurs died because a meteor hit the earth.
Everyone knows it's because Noah couldn't fit them on the arc." Dinosaurs
Joke Number. 4308
"T-Rexes may have lacked intelligence but they never gave anything away. They always kept
their cards close to their chest." Dinosaurs
Joke Number. 4309
"The Christians who claim dinosaurs lived at the same time as ancient humans might be onto
something. They all do seem to have Roman names." Dinosaurs
Joke Number. 4310
"Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens didn't exist in those days." Dinosaurs
Joke Number. 4311
"God is definitely a woman. If God was a man, he'd never have cancelled the dinosaur
programmer." Dinosaurs
Joke Number. 4312
"Evolution is at work the whole time, creating new and complex eco systems, everyone a
microcosm of the universe, forever changing forever developing. That’s why I can't clean my
room!" dinosaurs
Joke Number. 4313
I went to a psychiatrist about a recurring nightmare, where me and two friends get a bill for 25,
and have to split it three ways. That's 8.33333333333.............. Dreams
Joke Number. 4314
I had a recurring dream once. Dreams
Joke Number. 4315
"When you wish upon a star, you are a few million years late. The star is dead. Just like your
Dreams." Dreams
Joke Number. 4316
"I had the worst Nightmare last night, It didn't scare me at all." Dreams
Joke Number. 4317
"I never knew having an imaginary friend could be so problematic. I opened a bank account for
him, donated some of my funds, now I'm being done for tax evasion." Dreams
Joke Number. 4318
They should rate Dreams on a scale of MArtin Luther King to Freddy Krueger Dreams
Joke Number. 4319
"I keep on having Dreams that I am Iron Man. They always end when the armor falls off and
underneath it all I am Stark naked." Dreams
Joke Number. 4320
"I said to my mate, “I dreamt that I ate a giant marshmallow!” He said, “Let me guess, you woke
up and your pillow was gone?” I said, “No, I woke up and one of my giant marshmallows was
gone.”" Dreams
Joke Number. 4321
"I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up... My wife was dead.
Great morning all round, really." Dreams
Joke Number. 4322
"I phoned the wife today, “I had a terrible dream.” And? “You were there.” And? “What do you
mean? And?" Dreams
Joke Number. 4323
"My parents used to say I’d never be able to be a pirate when I grew up. My dvd and music
collection nowadays says otherwise." Dreams
Joke Number. 4324
“"I was having superb dream about you.” I said to my wife as I woke. “You were doing
something really nice to me.” “Maybe it will come true.” she said. “What was it?” “I hope so.” I
replied. “Leaving.”" Dreams
Joke Number. 4325
"Last night I had an amazing dream involving Megan Fox, Jessica Alba, Katy Perry and Cheryl
Cole. I beat them all at Monopoly." Dreams
Joke Number. 4326
"I asked a sleep therapist out on a date She said, “Pffft ... in your Dreams” I said, “Cool, I'll pick
you up at nine then”" Dreams
Joke Number. 4327
"I had a fantastic wet dream last night. It was about a tsunami in the Indian ocean which killed
250,000 pakis, Indians and darkies." Dreams
Joke Number. 4328
Always follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a
fire drill. Dreams
Joke Number. 4329
If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches? Dreams
Joke Number. 4330
"My dream catcher broke last night. Nightmare!" Dreams
Joke Number. 4331
"This girl in the pub asked me if she was the woman of my Dreams. “That depends” I said. “Are
you wet?”" Dreams
Joke Number. 4332
Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. I woke up this morning and my albino
son was gone Dreams
Joke Number. 4333
"I dreamt I was a woman last night. When I woke up, the house was spotless. Looks like the wife
couldn't sleep again." Dreams
Joke Number. 4334
"Aren't Dreams amazing? Last night I had a dream that I hadn't had a shave and I woke to find it
had come true." Dreams
Joke Number. 4335
I have a dream: a dream that one day, little black girls and little white girls will play with each
other! Dreams
Joke Number. 4336
An elderly couple is having breakfast. The woman says: "Oh, I had the most wonderful dream: I
was 20 years old again and I was cycling through a beautiful forest with my sister." The man
replies: "I had a wonderful dream too: I was 20 years old again and I was making love to a
beautiful girl." The woman winks and asks: "were you making love to me?", to which the man
replies: "Of course not, you were out cycling with your sister." Dreams
Joke Number. 4337
A place without thought. Imagine that. Dreams
Joke Number. 4338
“"Doctor, I really need your help”, I said. “Every night for the past two weeks I'm dreaming
about some rats playing football.” “Here, take these pills tonight before you go to bed and you
will be fine.” “But can I take them starting tomorrow?” “Why?” “Because tonight they play the
final.”" Dreams
Joke Number. 4339
"I once won a dream holiday to the Bahamas. I woke up gutted." Dreams
Joke Number. 4340
"I was talking to my psychiatrist earlier: Me: I keep having these Dreams in which my wife dies.
Psychiatrist: I see, and how long have you been having these nightmares? Me: Nightmares?"
Dreams
Joke Number. 4341
"Sign on the motorway, “Tiredness can kill”. Especially true if you were on your way to Elm
Street." Dreams
Joke Number. 4342
"I had a really bad nightmare last night. I dreamt that I unsuccessfully buried my wife in the back
garden. When I woke up, I walked downstairs and hugged my spade." Dreams
Joke Number. 4343
"There is nothing more tedious than having to listen to someone telling you what they dreamed
of last night. MArtin Luther King found that out the hard way." Dreams
Joke Number. 4344
"I used to be pretty big-headed. I'm perfect now though" Dreams
Joke Number. 4345
"Last year , all of my Dreams came true. This year , I'm sat here in this prison cell , wishing that
they hadn't." Dreams
Joke Number. 4346
"Don't listen to what people say, FOLLOW YOUR DREAM! Unless you’re fat because you
probably won't be able catch up with it." Dreams
Joke Number. 4347
"I've been having Dreams that I can't interpret. They're in French and I don't speak the language."
Dreams
Joke Number. 4348
"I had a dream in which my wife was involved in a car accident and tragically killed... i woke up
in tears that morning... ...because I realized she wasn't actually dead." Dreams
Joke Number. 4349
"My wife wasn’t happy when I announced I was going to be leaving to follow my dream. Or
“Tanya from next door” as she is also known." Dreams
Joke Number. 4350
I don't know if it's common, but when I was a kid I used to dream that I was falling from a tall
tree, only to wake up and find out that, in fact, the babysitter had thrown me out of the window.
Dreams
Joke Number. 4351
"Last night, our son came up to our room and asked if he could sleep in our bed because he was
afraid of the monster in his closet. It's already the third time this week, I hope his girlfriend
doesn't mind." Dreams
Joke Number. 4352
"Didn't get much sleep last night, I kept dreaming I was frozen & then dropped off a cliff. I'm
absolutely shattered this morning." Dreams
Joke Number. 4353
"You know, I'm sick of following my Dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going
and hook up with 'em later" Dreams
Joke Number. 4354
I dropped off last night and then farted myself awake. Wife wasn't best pleased. Don't think we'll
be going to the theatre again for a while. Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4355
"After only having my new job as an English teacher for a few months, I was shocked when an
eleven year old girl approached me and said “Me and my boyfriend are having a baby!” I was
disgusted. She should have said “My boyfriend and I are having a baby”" Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4356
"I’m glad that I don’t have to go through Facebook to like these jokes... Otherwise everyone
would know how sick I am" Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4357
I pulled my balaclava on, pulled my collar up and left the house after a good look round to make
sure no one could recognize me, I headed down the road with one thing on my mind, making
sure no one saw me when I popped into Aldi for some milk. Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4358
"I was talking to my mum, ''What about that pretty girl of yours?'' she asks. ''Who, Amber? I
said. ''Yeah, I've been hearing a lot of noise coming from upstairs lately.'' she said smiling. ''We
broke up a 2 weeks ago mum.'' I said. ''I know!'' she said laughing, ''You've been in your room
crying for days you big girl!''" Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4359
"What do you call someone with no clue what irony is? An American..... Now go on, re-post that
fatty!!" Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4360
"I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be
nice to be able to piece together my twenties." Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4361
"I should be proud of my wife for being an elite athlete. I just find it difficult to tell others I'm
married to the scrum-half from Leeds Carnegie." Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4362
My girlfriend and midwife didn't see the funny side to me wearing my t-shirt with the logo
“remember my name you'll be screaming it later" when she went into labour. Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4363
"How dare you break wind before my wife" said the host of a dinner party to his guest. "Oh I'm
sorry" said the guest, "I didn't realize it was her turn". Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4364
"I came home last night to find my son had thrown a party. The place was trashed. There was
only one punishment that would be sufficient. So I fingered his mother while we slow danced in
the front room." Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4365
"I took my new girlfriend to the cinema last night, we sat at the back... There's less chance of
people seeing us together." Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4366
"Three men, one american, one mexican, and one Chinese, were hiking in an unknown mountain.
They suddenly discovered a big cave. So they each decided to test its echo. The American man
shouted his name: “Tom” The echo replied: “Tom” The mexican man shouted his name:
“Carlito” The echo replied: “Carlito” The Chinese man shouted his name: “Ching Chong Lao
Song” The echo replied: “what?”" Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4367
As a Kid I hated losing, so I played with myself. Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4368
"I saw this hot girl walking towards me, so I tried to impress her and stood next to this really
expensive Ferrari. As she came closer to me....she said, “Excuse me” and got in her car and left."
Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4369
"What's funnier than seeing a fat guy fall over? Watching him cradle himself to sleep trying to
get back up." Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4370
"I farted in front of my new girlfriend's mother last night. She was not impressed. I'll try harder
next time I see her, and make the fart louder and longer." Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4371
"As we drove past an elderly couple walking a Labrador earlier, my girlfriend said to me: “Isn't it
weird, ever since we have had a dog, I now always notice lots of dogs when we're out” I said, “I
know exactly what you mean, ever since I've had a girlfriend, I now notice lots of girls when
we're out!”" Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4372
"River dance......... The only time it's acceptable to cheer on a ginger" Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4373
"What's the Difference between brussel sprouts and snot? You'll never surprise your kids eating
their brussel sprouts." Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4374
"I'm typing this from my hospital bed and I'm having problems understanding the accent of my
East European nurse, so a moment ago I simply smiled and nodded. Considering what is
happening now, I hope he said “Do you want an enemy?”." Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4375
I took my car for a service last week... Waste of time though, couldn't quite fit it through the
church doors! Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4376
“"Salary Theorem” states that “Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business
Executives and Sales People.” This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation
based on the following two postulates: 1. Knowledge is Power. 2. Time is Money. As every
engineer knows: Power = Work / Time Since: Knowledge = Power Time = Money It follows
that: Knowledge = Work/Money. Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of
work done. Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make." Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4377
"My wife came into the same pub as me and my mates and walked up to me “look at you acting
all cool as if you can't be bothered talking to me” “sorry fatso do I know you?” I replied"
Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4378
Throwing a chocolate bar at fat girls 'cos they look like they need a Boost. Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4379
"Research shows that at least 99% of N-Dubz fan will get 3 GCSE's between them."
Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4380
"Last night I tried one of those tricks where you light your farts on fire. I couldn't find a lighter,
so I used a candle. Completely ruined my Grandmothers birthday cake." Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4381
"I accidentally liked a girl’s picture on Facebook. Doesn't help that it was of her Dad's
gravestone." Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4382
Anyone else tried J20 after 8 pints of lager. I tried but still ended up going round the M25.
Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4383
"I was at the motorway services the other day when a man in a yellow coat shouted over to me,
“Are you with the AA, sir?”. I shouted back at him, “Do I look like an alcoholic!”"
Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4384
"The wife was livid that I had made a show of her in front of all my friends last night. With
hindsight, I probably should have hidden the web cam in the bedroom a bit better."
Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4385
"I was trying to get a hot girl at the bar jealous, so I started slowly dancing and getting off with a
potted plant. It worked wonders, she was staring at me." Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4386
I became the stag party organizer for my mate the other day. I found a great place we could go, I
promised my mate the girls get wet for you and everything! He didn’t seem impressed when we
turned up at a Children’s swimming pool. Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4387
"I saw an old mate I hadn't seen for ages. “How's life in the fast lane?” I joshed. “Not too good
mate. My wife was involved in a multiple pile up on the motorway.” Hush, my mouth."
Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4388
There's feeling self-conscious ... And there's being a chimney sweep walking through Brixton.
Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4389
I must abstain from licking windows, I'm putting the window cleaner out of business.
Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4390
I was chatting up a girl in the pub last night, “if I could rearrange the alphabet...". " Let me
guess? You'd put U and I together." she interrupted. “no" I said, " I'd be a better speller. I'm
dyslexic". Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4391
"I told my mate that he was easily amused. But he just cracked up and shat himself."
Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4392
"A naked girl lay on top of her boyfriend, 'something's getting big' she said. The boyfriend
replied, 'Glad you finally noticed! I can barely put it in your so fat.'" Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4393
"When an old school friend found out my girlfriend studied at Oxford he sent me a text saying,
''OMG, that’s unbelievable because I studied at Oxford too.'' Not the dictionary he didn't."
Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4394
"I had to do a drama performance for my A-levels, except I was a bit nervous, so I took the good
old Advice of picturing everyone naked. Shame my nan was in the audience." Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4395
"After I jokingly said to my girlfriend that her farts smell like dead babies, she totally freaked out
she's acting so weird since the abortion" Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4396
Unfortunately it seems sneezing at the point of climax didn’t release those innate Spiderman
abilities I thought I had... Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4397
“"My old man's a dustman. He wears a dustman's hat” And that's why I get Mum to pick me up
from school." Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4398
If you sit on a toilet the other way round it's like a little chair and table where you can secretly
eat and cry. Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4399
"The nurse came up to my hospital bed to check my pulse. “Wow.” she said. “It's much faster
than usual!” “That's not my wrist you're holding, nurse.”" Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4400
"I gave my kid a smack on the bottom in the supermarket today. “You're very naughty” I
shouted, as she ran off crying. Yeah, my sixteen year old hates coming out with me."
Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4401
"I must have been about 15 the first time I went to the pub. I ordered vodka and couldn't believe I
was getting served. The trouble started when the barman asked me what I wanted in it. Naively, I
said “Milk and two sugars”." Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4402
"Angry Birds, the number one cause of hemorrhoids since 2009." Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4403
"My mom lost her credit card today, she accused everyone of taking it and got everyone really
stressed, a Family friend asked her, after an hour of looking, if it was in her bra. Long behold she
pulled it out and we all laughed at her. We never found that card.." Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4404
I was on my luxury yacht with my girlfriend the other week, looking at sharks swimming around
us. She squealed oh my god there big would they eat me whole? I said no they would spit that bit
out..! Embarrassment
Joke Number. 4405
"Just been to the gym and there's a new machine there. I only used it for about an hour, as I
started to feel sick, but it's great: it's got Kit Kats, Mars bars, crisps and everything in it."
Exercise
Joke Number. 4406
"Was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird
looks, so I started jogging instead." Exercise
Joke Number. 4407
"I have finally figured out why the missus is so fat: the shampoo she uses in the shower that runs
down her body clearly says, “for extra volume and body.” I'm going to recommend she uses
dishwashing soap instead; it says, “dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove.”" Exercise
Joke Number. 4408
Treadmills get you nowhere. Exercise
Joke Number. 4409
"I made the mistake of buying a running machine the other day.... Haven't seen it since."
Exercise
Joke Number. 4410
"Every morning I have a 2 mile run before breakfast. I keep forgetting to buy milk." Exercise
Joke Number. 4411
"My wife bought me a fitness DVD called “10 Steps to The Body You Deserve”. It should be
pretty easy, it takes me 4 steps just to get to the DVD player." Exercise
Joke Number. 4412
Does running late count as Exercise? Exercise
Joke Number. 4413
"I'm terrified of the gym. Every time I look at the treadmill I run a mile." Exercise
Joke Number. 4414
"I went for a run this morning. Not for Exercise, my girlfriend's husband just got back early.
Exercise
Joke Number. 4415
Some people choose to go to modern gyms with Stairmasters and treadmills. I choose to go to an
old fashioned gym. It has the same equipment, only women and blacks aren't allowed in.
Exercise
Joke Number. 4416
Now don't get me wrong, I think race for life is a wonderful Charity for women. I just can't help
but feel that the advert kinda gets ruined with that big fat bald bloke at the end of it..... Exercise
Joke Number. 4417
"I'm really out of shape Every time I fart I need a nap." Exercise
Joke Number. 4418
I've started a new Exercise regime. 10 reps of sit ups holding a carrot, 5 reps of squats with a
corvette in each hand, and 3 reps of lifting a heavy sack of potatoes. Sadly, my efforts have so far
been fruitless... Exercise
Joke Number. 4419
If walking is supposed to be so good for you, why does my postman look like Jabba the Hut?
Exercise
Joke Number. 4420
"My ex-girlfriend and I met each other while running the London Marathon last year. It was a
long-distance relationship." Exercise
Joke Number. 4421
"I don't know who came up with the idea that walking the dog is a good way to pick up woman.
Whenever I'm out walking with my wife no one gives me a second look." Exercise
Joke Number. 4422
I got off with a fat girl at a party, my ego was crushed. Exercise
Joke Number. 4423
"I decided to get fit so I bought an Exercise bike, and it's great - I can go on it for hours on end. I
pretend I'm going downhill and freewheel." Exercise
Joke Number. 4424
"I went to the gym earlier and started showing off my guns to the ladies. I'm now sat in a cell
waiting for the police to charge me with possession of firearms." Exercise
Joke Number. 4425
"I did 10 one arm push-ups this morning, I was trying to get up off of the floor without putting
down my beer." Exercise
Joke Number. 4426
I pulled a muscle in my neck today and I'm not sure how, i just can't get my head round it.
Exercise
Joke Number. 4427
"John goes to work painting white lines on the motorway with a tin of paint and a brush, after the
first day he accomplishes 4 mile... later that day his boss congratulates him. The next day John
paints 2 mile of white lines... so his boss said, “yeh that’s acceptable.” On the third day he only
does 1/4 of a mile... the boss says, “What’s wrong you did 4 mile the first day?” John replies,
“Yeh but the tin keeps getting further away”..." Exercise
Joke Number. 4428
"I date girls that weigh 20 stone or more. Because they are the only ones that won't run away
from me." Exercise
Joke Number. 4429
"My Exercise instructor gave a demonstration on how to lose weight. I don't think he showed all
the Exercises though. He skipped quite a lot." Exercise
Joke Number. 4430
"What do you call a fat I.T teacher? Megabyte" Exercise
Joke Number. 4431
"I did a couple of laps around the gym today. Maybe next time I'll actually park my car and go
in." Exercise
Joke Number. 4432
"I think ankle support is really good. They make mine feel a lot better about themselves."
Exercise
Joke Number. 4433
"My wife told me she is leaving me because I treat my fitness like a game! I nearly fell off my
wii fit board!" Exercise
Joke Number. 4434
You know your fit when you run 20 miles and your nipples hurt more than your legs... Exercise
Joke Number. 4435
"Supermarkets say, they are doing their best to stop obesity. If that was true they would have
only made the biscuit isle a foot wide." Exercise
Joke Number. 4436
I read in men's health, that the most important thing to do when doing a workout programmer is
rest...I’ve done that for 2 years now and I am still no fitter than before! Exercise
Joke Number. 4437
Let us take a moment to think about all those poor people stuck in traffic on the way to the gym
to spend hours on a treadmill going nowhere fast. Exercise
Joke Number. 4438
"I refuse to drive my Children everywhere and insist they either cycle or walk. While this has
made sure they aren't overweight, the trip to the lion enclosure at Longleaf was a bit of a
disaster." Exercise
Joke Number. 4439
Every time I take up exercising I meet new people. They are usually paramedics, but still new
people. Exercise
Joke Number. 4440
Sometimes when I see people jogging outside, I like to drive slowly down the road behind them
blasting "Eye of the Tiger" just to give them some motivation. Exercise
Joke Number. 4441
The wife's just told me that she's running away with Jim from next door. Good on her, that's the
first time she's done any Exercise in 20 years. Exercise
Joke Number. 4442
I love watching fat people run. All 2 seconds of it. Exercise
Joke Number. 4443
"It's been a hard struggle, but I'm just one day away from John O’Groats! I should get there
tomorrow if I turn back now." Exercise
Joke Number. 4444
My wife just got me an Exercise machine and apparently it's not our new born son. Exercise
Joke Number. 4445
"Just made a keep-fit -video for the elderly. I’m calling it “Pumping rust!”" Exercise
Joke Number. 4446
power walking looks a lot like people who have taken too many laxatives, and just realized they
ain't gonna make it home in time! Exercise
Joke Number. 4447
"The Gym A place for girls to find strong bloke's with big muscles. The Gym A place for men to
find fat, chubby girls." Exercise
Joke Number. 4448
"Man found dead; Killed by weight he was attempting to lift. On the upside, no need for the
Family to go elsewhere for a memorial bench." Exercise
Joke Number. 4449
"I did double my morning Exercise this morning... Must stop forgetting things upstairs."
Exercise
Joke Number. 4450
I like picking fights with myself............... the make-up masturbation is great Exercise
Joke Number. 4451
"My wife has been fitness mad lately and to make her Exercise more fun she asked me to buy her
some of those Hoola Hoops. I wasn't sure on which flavour so I just got the least fattening."
Exercise
Joke Number. 4452
"What's the biggest Difference between men and women? What they mean, when they say: “I
got through a whole box of tissues watching that film.”" Family
Joke Number. 4453
"I walked in on my daughter masturbating this morning. She's still too young to understand what
I was doing, though." Family
Joke Number. 4454
"Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized he was the favorite twin." Family
Joke Number. 4455
"One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and
flashed them. The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, but the third one's arm
were too short to reach." Family
Joke Number. 4456
"My daughter came around the other day. So I grabbed a shovel and knocked her straight back
out again." Family
Joke Number. 4457
"My wife and I really weren't expecting a baby, and then BAM...! One smacks right into the
windscreen." Family
Joke Number. 4458
"I'm going to take a picture of my firstborn and use age progression software to figure out what
he'll look like when he's 16. Then I'm going to frame the picture and keep it as a centerpiece in
our house, something he'll grow up looking at. Then when the appropriate time comes, he will
realize that the picture is actually of him, then I am going to try and convince him that he is a
time traveler." Family
Joke Number. 4459
"On the sofa with my wife last night: Me: Honey, you remind me of an onion. Wife: Because I
have so many layers to my personality? Me: No... Wife: Oh, OK, something stupid like you'll
cry when you slice me up? Me: No... Wife: OK, OK, you'd prefer it if I was battered? Me:
No... Wife: You either love me or hate me? I'm good in small doses? I can be overpowering?...
Me: No... Wife: Oh, alright, why then? Me: You smell of onion." Family
Joke Number. 4460
"My wife accused me of hating her Family and relatives. I replied, “No, I don't hate your
relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”" Family
Joke Number. 4461
"I got my son a stripper for his birthday. My wife wasn't impressed, but it's not every day he
turns 4." Family
Joke Number. 4462
Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick your cigarette out the
window, and you drive for a couple more miles, and you smell something funny, and you look
over into the back seat, and sure enough............ Grandma's fingering herself again! Family
Joke Number. 4463
Today, I found out that my father named me Luke so he could say, "Luke, I am your father" and
laugh about it. Family
Joke Number. 4464
"I said to my parents, “Mum, Dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on.” “Okay, cool,”
they replied. “Your luggage is outside,” I added." Family
Joke Number. 4465
“"Mummy, can I lick the bowl?” “No, you can flush like everyone else”" Family
Joke Number. 4466
"As the police put the handcuffs on me, my mother said, “Dan, I've failed you as a mother.”
“Mum, my name is Dave.”" Family
Joke Number. 4467
"My wife thinks I'm weird for inviting my 10 year-old sons' girlfriend around to our house for
dinner. Apparently I should have invited my wife and son as well." Family
Joke Number. 4468
"My daughter's school teacher rang me today. “Young Sarah didn't turn up for school today?” he
said. “I know, her mother died yesterday,” I replied. “So she won't be back for a while.” “Sorry
to hear that,” he sighed. “How's she getting on?” “Very well,” I replied. “She's on her third lot of
laundry and has already prepared dinner.”" Family
Joke Number. 4469
I just started to rummage through my teenage sister's knickers drawer then quickly realized I was
doing something totally wrong - I should check the laundry basket first. Family
Joke Number. 4470
"My daughter was running a temperature so I rang the doctor. He asked was she hot. I said,
“Well, with a little make-up...”" Family
Joke Number. 4471
Unlike some people on Sickipedia, I am not tempted by incest and paedophilia. My daughter is
too precious. And ugly. Family
Joke Number. 4472
"My wife came home to find me sniffing my daughter's knickers the other day. Wouldn't have
been so bad if my daughter wasn't wearing them at the time!" Family
Joke Number. 4473
"I was giving my daughter a bath last night. She looked up at me, all covered in soapy suds and
said, “Dad, I'm 16. I can do it myself.”" Family
Joke Number. 4474
Seeing grandparents at Christmas is brilliant; it reminds you that, no matter how bad you get,
there's always someone more racist than you. Family
Joke Number. 4475
"Whenever I eat out at McDonald's, I like to have a Happy Meal... So I leave the wife and kids at
home." Family
Joke Number. 4476
"When a man holds a car door open for his wife... ...it's either a new car or a new wife." Family
Joke Number. 4477
"My old man always used to say to me, “ Son, when one door closes, another one always opens.”
I guess that's why we got burgled so often." Family
Joke Number. 4478
"Got no comeback for that one have you mate? Well if you want my come back, just wipe it off
your mum's chin!" Family
Joke Number. 4479
"For about ten years now, it's been my job to give my gran her pill every day. She hates taking
her pill, so I mix it in with her morning coffee. It's tedious making coffee and putting the pill in
every morning, but if she got pregnant I'd never forgive myself." Family
Joke Number. 4480
"She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast when he walked in. She turned and
said, “You've got to make love to me this very moment.” His eyes lit up and he thought, “This is
my lucky day.” Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right
there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove. More than a
little puzzled, he asked, “What was that all about?” She explained, “The egg timer's broken.”"
Family
Joke Number. 4481
"When meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time, it's hard not to think to yourself... “I've
tasted your daughter's nipples.”" Family
Joke Number. 4482
"We had some people round today, collecting for the old people's home. I'm gonna miss me old
Gran!" Family
Joke Number. 4483
"My daughter accused me of being a bad father. I don't know how she can say that... ...she's
hardly ever met me." Family
Joke Number. 4484
"What have Chlamydia and a cheating husband got in common? My wife has both of them and
doesn't know about it yet." Family
Joke Number. 4485
"A husband and wife are sitting round the table with their three daughters eating dinner when the
oldest of the three asks her parents, “Why was I named Daisy?” “Well,” said her mother, “when
you were born a daisy flew in threw the window and gently landed on your forehead so we
thought it would be nice to name you after it.” The middle daughter then says, “So why am I
called Rose?” “Well,” said her mother, “when you were born a rose flew in threw the window
and gently landed on your forehead so we thought it would be nice to name you after it.” The
daughter smiles and continues to eat her dinner. A few minutes later the youngest of the three
says, “mnnnnnuugughhhh hhmmmmddssssssggggtuuuu tgnngnnnnammj!” The mother says to
her, “Oh shut up Brick!”" Family
Joke Number. 4486
"My daughter has some flawless logic. She said “The world can't end in 2012; I have a yoghurt
that expires in 2013.”" Family
Joke Number. 4487
"When I was 15 my parents told me I was adopted. And that I would be meeting my new parents
that afternoon. Family
Joke Number. 4488
I recently traced my Family tree... It was easier, I'm rubbish at drawing. Family
Joke Number. 4489
"MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch,
they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes. EATING OUT when the
bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in 20, even though it's only for 32.50. None of
them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the
girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay 2 for a 1 item he
needs. A woman will pay 1 for a 2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. BATHROOMS A
man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of
soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man
would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS a woman has the last
word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries
about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS a successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE A
woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman
expecting that she won't change, but she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go
shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A
man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they
went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, Children. A
woman knows all about her Children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best
friends, favourite’s foods, secret fears and hopes and Dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some
short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY a married man should forget his
mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing." Family
Joke Number. 4490
"Ahhh memories. I remember my mother used to say “There's a train coming, there's a train
coming” when she fed me. I used to gobble up the food. Well if I didn't she wouldn't untie me
from the tracks." Family
Joke Number. 4491
"I read somewhere that 37 is too old to still be living with your parents. It was on a note, in my
bedroom." Family
Joke Number. 4492
"My old Granddad used to say, “Fight fire with fire.” It's no wonder the fire brigade sacked him."
Family
Joke Number. 4493
"During an argument with my Granddad, he screamed, “You'd be speaking German if it wasn't
for me!” I said, “Hang on, you didn't fight in the war.” “I know that,” he replied, “But I told you
to choose French for your languages GCSE, remember?”" Family
Joke Number. 4494
My 8 year old son got the Sims for Christmas, he was showing me around his house where he
showed me his wife sleeping in her bed, in the kitchen. I'm so proud of that boy. Family
Joke Number. 4495
I always put my coat on to answer the door just in case it's any of my in-laws, then I can say;
"Sorry, I was just on my way out" and barge past them. Family
Joke Number. 4496
"When I was younger my Grandma used to rub lard into my Grandpa's back when he was ill. He
went downhill fast after that." Family
Joke Number. 4497
"In case you wondered, Father's Day is to thank Dad for nailing your mother. Mother's Day is to
thank Mum for not swallowing you." Family
Joke Number. 4498
Today I realized that I had succeeded as a father, I caught my son watching a Pixie Lott song on
mute. Family
Joke Number. 4499
I come from a really poor Family, we never had any money. If I hadn't been a boy, I'd never have
had anything to play with. Family
Joke Number. 4500
"It's my son's first school nativity play today, and it's the proudest day of my life. I've finally won
the Champion's League on Football Manager. I can't wait till he gets home from school so I can
tell him about it." Family
Joke Number. 4501
"My Granddad always said, “Don't watch your money; watch your health.” So one day, while I
was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my Granddad." Family
Joke Number. 4502
"Just dropped my little one off at the school gates. Don't know why. He works nowhere near the
school." Family
Joke Number. 4503
"I'm not a violent person and I certainly don't agree with hitting kids. I've never laid a single
finger on my son. I've stuck a couple up my daughter though." Family
Joke Number. 4504
“"Daddy, why is mum zigzagging down the garden?” “Quiet son, I'm trying to aim.”" Family
Joke Number. 4505
"When my older brother and I were little we were always playing Robin Hood. Only thing was,
he was always Robin Hood and I had to be Little John. After a while I got sick of this and told
him I wasn't playing any more. “Ok” he said. “We'll play a different game and you can be
Robin.” “Brilliant” I said. “Who are you gonna be?” “Batman” he said." Family
Joke Number. 4506
"During a blazing row with my youngest son, he turned to me and screamed, “I wish I was
adopted”. Well, it’s taken six months and a lot of paperwork, but finally I've managed to make
his wish come true." Family
Joke Number. 4507
"My husband wanted a campervan. So I had his white van spray painted pink!" Family
Joke Number. 4508
A 54 year old accountant informs his wife he is leaving her for an 18 year old girl. His wife, also
54 informs him that she also has a new 18 year old partner and being an accountant he must
realize that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 into 18. Family
Joke Number. 4509
"Two old ladies are having a cigarette outside the old folk’s home and it starts to rain. One of
them suddenly pulls a condom out of her handbag, unravels it and puts it over the cigarette so it
doesn't get wet. “Ooh, what's that, Betty?” the other asks. “It's called a condom, they sell them at
the chemist's dear,” she answers. So the other goes to the chemist's and, when asked for a
condom by such an elderly lady and seeing an opportunity for mirth, the young oink behind the
counter smirks and asks, “so what would you like, a ribbed one, a French tickler, flavored?” “Oh,
I don't mind, dear, as long as it fits a Camel.”" Family
Joke Number. 4510
"A young boy comes home with an armchair under each arm and a sofa strapped to his back. His
father is furious and says, “how many times have I told you not to accept suites from
strangers?”" Family
Joke Number. 4511
"I hate it when couples have a little argument and the girlfriend changes her Facebook status to
'single'. I mean, I have arguments with my parents all the time, you don't see me changing my
status to 'orphan'." Family
Joke Number. 4512
"If your parents never had Children, chances are you won't either." Family
Joke Number. 4513
There's nothing more awkward than beating your Family on a Wii game that requires the remote
to be vigorously jerked back and forth, only for your mother to ask you "Have you been
practicing? Family
Joke Number. 4514
"When I asked my Gran what she wanted for Christmas, she replied, “The best present I could
ask for is to be surrounded by my friends.” Well, we've just got back from the cemetery and she
doesn't seem too happy." Family
Joke Number. 4515
"I was mortified when my son caught me walking around the bedroom in high heels and
women's underwear. I don't know why, I'm his mother." Family
Joke Number. 4516
"My parents couldn't tell the time. When I'd come home from a date, they'd always say, “Do you
have any idea what time it is?”" Family
Joke Number. 4517
"I and my Family buried my Grandma this morning... Her jokes just weren't good enough"
Family
Joke Number. 4518
"On a train from London to Manchester an American was berating the Englishman sitting across
from him in the compartment. “You English are too stiff. You set yourself apart too much. You
think your stiff upper lips make you above the rest of us. Look at me... I’m me. I have Italian
blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?”
The Englishman replied, “Very sporting of your mother.”" Family
Joke Number. 4519
"At the age of six I was left an orphan. What kind of idiot gives an orphan to a six-year-old?"
Family
Joke Number. 4520
"I have had the mother in law down for the weekend. I'll put her back on the roof tomorrow."
Family
Joke Number. 4521
"My missus accused me of caring more about my fantasy football team than my own kids. In my
defense, I had Rio Ferdinand, John Terry, Ashley Cole and Glen Johnson." Family
Joke Number. 4522
"My teenage daughter slipped in the shower today. She should be thankful I was there to catch
her." Family
Joke Number. 4523
"I picked up a filthy little slag last night. That's the last time my daughter uses me as a taxi
service." Family
Joke Number. 4524
"I'm sure my daughter is going to grow up to be a slapper. I took her to the dentists yesterday and
he said, 'open wide.' She said, 'I can't - there's arms on the chair.'" Family
Joke Number. 4525
"When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one. So one
morning, I woke up early and went to the garage. I got some wood and some nails... And beat my
parents to death. My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards." Family
Joke Number. 4526
My mother-in-law said to me, "never put off till tomorrow what you can do today." So I killed
her. Family
Joke Number. 4527
“"Sit up straight at the dinner table!” said my wife to my son. “Why?” he asked. “Dad doesn't.”
“That's because he's spineless,” she replied. I really should say something but I don't want to
cause a fuss." Family
Joke Number. 4528
"Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them
to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said,
“So, what did you bring?” The second convict pulled out a box of oils and stated that he intended
to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the 'John Constable of Jail'. Then he asked the
first, “What did you bring?” The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, “I
brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games.” The third convict was
sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, “Why are you so
smug? What did you bring?” The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled, saying, “I brought
these.” The other two were puzzled and asked, “What on earth can you do with those?” He
grinned, pointed to the box and said, “Well, according to the box, I can go horseback riding,
swimming, skiing, roller-skating......”" Family
Joke Number. 4529
"My dad’s in a coma. He's living the dream." Family
Joke Number. 4530
Welcome to the Family Planning Clinic; please use the rear entrance Family
Joke Number. 4531
"My father in law handed me a note on my wedding day saying, “Goods delivered are nonreturnable.”
I handed it back and said, “Contract void if seal is broken.”" Family
Joke Number. 4532
A woman's mind is just like a Rubik's cube... Much easier to figure out when you smash it to
pieces with a brick. Family
Joke Number. 4533
"A wife says to her husband, “You make love like you decorate.” Her husband replies, “What,
very slow and professional?” “No,” she replies, “I have to finish myself.”" Family
Joke Number. 4534
"Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says
to the landlord: “Don't mind us, were joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian
beers: draft, please.” The landlord, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation
while pouring the beers. “Been on holiday yet, lads?” “Off to England next month,” says John.
“We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't us, Jim?” Jim agrees. “Ah,
England!” says the landlord. “Wonderful country: the history, the beer, the culture...” “Nah, we
don't like that British stuff,” says John. “Hamburgers and Molson’s beer, that's us, eh Jim? And
we can't stand the English!” “So why keep going to England?” asks the landlord. “It's the only
chance Jim gets to drive.”" Family
Joke Number. 4535
"Top Tip: Forget rip off sites like Friends Reunited and Genes Reunited. If you want to get in
contact with long lost friends or relatives... Simply win the lottery." Family
Joke Number. 4536
"My wife and her sister are twins and look alike in almost every way. Her sister lives with us.
One time I came home from work to find her in the shower so I got undressed got into the
shower with her, started touching her and said, “How about some quiet one-on-one time without
your sister being home?” Then I realised I had made a terrible mistake. It was my wife." Family
Joke Number. 4537
"Those footsteps on the roof can mean only one thing! My dad's gone and joined fathers for
justice..." Family
Joke Number. 4538
"I was asked to describe my relationship with my father... “Beats me,” I replied." Family
Joke Number. 4539
the Difference between me and you is you came out of your mum, and I came in her Family
Joke Number. 4540
"I went to see my daughter's ballet dancing show yesterday and ended up getting thrown out. To
be fair, I shouldn’t have stuffed money down the front of her Tutu, but she was good." Family
Joke Number. 4541
"Why do men fart more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up the
pressure." Family
Joke Number. 4542
"There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the
wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see
the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be
the father of that child. “Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.” Then he gave her a stern
look and asked, “Have you been fooling around on me?” The wife just smiled sweetly and said,
“Not this time.”" Family
Joke Number. 4543
An alcoholic is sitting outside his home after just being divorced, and notices a crate of empty
beer bottles. He takes out an empty bottle and smashes it into the wall screaming, "You are the
reason I don't have a WIFE now". He smashes the second bottle screaming, "You are the reason I
don't have my Children!" He smashes the third bottle screaming, "You are the reason I don't have
a job!". Then he notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer and says, "Stand aside my
friend. I know you weren't involved." Family
Joke Number. 4544
"I was driving on the motorway last week when I noticed a sign that said “Turn off - 500
metres”. Sure enough, 500 metres later, on the side of the road was my Granny with no knickers,
lifting up her dress." Family
Joke Number. 4545
"My Jewish friend makes his wife walk five steps behind him, in case he drops any money."
Family
Joke Number. 4546
“"Dad, can you do my math homework for me?” “No son, it wouldn't be right.” “Well, at least
you could try.”" Family
Joke Number. 4547
Parents. It's people like them that give us a bad name. Family
Joke Number. 4548
"My wife and I have been arguing about whether we should spank our six-year-old daughter or
not. I say yes and my wife says I should wait until she's done something wrong." Family
Joke Number. 4549
"My Granddad was telling me how hard it was at Dunkirk. Trying to get to the beach in doublequick
time before the boats left wasn't easy: the terrain was rough and he really hadn't got to
grips with his new Panzer tank at all." Family
Joke Number. 4550
"I gave my dad an 'e' now he's dead." Family
Joke Number. 4551
"It's amazing how having a baby can change some people. My wife used to be quite attractive."
Family
Joke Number. 4552
"A man is walking along a beach when he accidentally kicks a bottle and a genie pops out. The
genie thanks the man for freeing him and says, “I will grant you three wishes. But I am a cursed
genie, so your mother-in-law will get double what you wish for.” The guy agrees and says,” For
my first wish, I want a luxury yacht.” The genie says,” Your wish is my command!” and poof! A
luxury yacht appears, and at the same moment, two yachts appear at his mother-in-law's house.
“And for your second wish?” the genie asks. The guy says, “I wish for 10,000,000.” “Your wish
is my command!” the genie says. And poof! A pile of 10,000,000 appears in front of the man and
at the same moment 20,000,000 appears in his mother-in-law's bank account. The genie says,
“Now, this is your third and final wish, choose carefully.” “I wish there was a guy here who will
beat me half to death.”" Family
Joke Number. 4553
"Earlier tonight I woke up to the horror of my house on fire. I hurriedly woke the kids, grabbed
the dog & we made our way downstairs. “Shush now kids, be quiet” I said as I let them out. “We
don't want to wake your mother”" Family
Joke Number. 4554
"What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car."
Family
Joke Number. 4555
"One of my daughters suffers from a terrible nut allergy. She's ok with the bell-end and shaft, but
she starts to choke and her eyes water when I force my nuts in her mouth as well." Family
Joke Number. 4556
"I bought the Mother-in-Law a lovely chair for her birthday. If she'd only plug it in..." Family
Joke Number. 4557
"A wife walks in and says to her husband; “I've some good news and some bad news!” “What's
the good news?” asks hubby. “The air bag on your brand new Audi works fine!”" Family
Joke Number. 4558
"What do hillbillies do at Halloween? Pumpkin." Family
Joke Number. 4559
"My wife said to me, “I always get wet when I bath the kids” I said, “I know what you mean, I
always get an erection.”" Family
Joke Number. 4560
“"Mummy, Mummy! Why do they call me spastic at school?” “Shut up and take your feet out of
your pockets.”" Family
Joke Number. 4561
"My son said that for his birthday he wanted some cars to play with. So I've just dropped him off
on the M25." Family
Joke Number. 4562
"Bill took his dog to the vet. “Doctor,” he said sadly, “I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to
cut off my dog's tail.” The vet stepped back, “Bill, why should I do such a terrible thing?” Bill
replied, “Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her
think she is welcome.”" Family
Joke Number. 4563
"My ex-husband was buried today... Finally, a hole he can actually fill." Family
Joke Number. 4564
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Family
Joke Number. 4565
"Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny
received his plate, he started eating straight away. “Jonny, wait until we've said our prayer,” his
mother reminded him. “I don't have to,” the little boy replied. “Of course you do,” his mother
insisted. “We say a prayer before eating at our house.” “That's at our house,” Johnny explained,
“but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.”" Family
Joke Number. 4566
“"Mommy, Mommy! Can I go to the toilet?” “Yes, Johnny, I'll take you in a minute...” “Can
Granny take me?” “Why?” “Her hand shakes.”" Family
Joke Number. 4567
I always wanted to be a comedian as a child. My Dad told me I should practice in the bath, so I
did. The bad thing is, he said the same thing to my brother. He was an electrician. Family
Joke Number. 4568
"I saved my daughter from choking this morning. I just fancied a hand job." Family
Joke Number. 4569
"I hate my Mum walking with me to school every day, Oh well, she'll be old enough to drive
soon." Family
Joke Number. 4570
"Son: “Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a
lady.” Mom: “Well, you have done the right thing.” Son: “But mom, I was sitting on daddy's
lap.”" Family
Joke Number. 4571
"I've recently been encouraging my sixteen year old daughter to find a job to help pay for her
college education. Last week she came home with five applications and later that night I read
them. Under “previous employment”, she listed, “babysitter”. Under “reason for leaving”, she
wrote, “they came home”." Family
Joke Number. 4572
"My Grandad is always complaining about how much things cost. “Two quid for a cup of tea?!”
I said, “Well you just popped round, I didn't invite you!”" Family
Joke Number. 4573
"I was talking man to man with my 18 year old son when I said, “You'll have kids of your own
one day.” He replied, “So will you, dad.”" Family
Joke Number. 4574
"I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, no
more payments! So I called my daughter, Jane, to come over to my house. When she got there, I
said to her, “I want you to take this last cheque over to your mother's house and tell her that this
is the last cheque she's ever going to get from me. And I want you to come back and tell me the
expression that's on her face.” So Jane took the cheque over to her. I was really anxious to hear
what she had to say. As Jane walked through the door, I said, “Now what did she have to say?”
“She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy, and to watch the expression on your face.”"
Family
Joke Number. 4575
"My son is at that age when he's started crawling. You know the age, “You're the best dad, can I
have a tenner?”" Family
Joke Number. 4576
"I saw the photos of his kids on my boss's desk- “You must feel blessed to have two beautiful
Children,” I told him. “Well, actually I've got three kids,” he answered. “I know,” I said." Family
Joke Number. 4577
"The other day, I visited an old people's home as part of my community service. I asked one of
the old men, “How do you feel living here?” He replied, “I feel like a new born baby.” I thought,
“How wonderful,” and asked him, “Why do you feel that way?” To which he replied, “I've got
no hair, no teeth, and I just shat myself.”" Family
Joke Number. 4578
"Looking forward to rear of the year. I'm entering my sisters." Family
Joke Number. 4579
"I walked in from work today and my wife looked upset in a panic. “Our daughter's been missing
since 8 o'clock this morning,” she wept. “It's 9pm now!” “Quick, phone the police,” I said. “And
throw me the car keys.” “Call me if you find her,” she cried, as I walked out the door. “Sure
will,” I replied. “But I doubt she's gonna turn up at Dave's on poker night.”" Family
Joke Number. 4580
"My teenage daughter had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then hung up.
“That was quick,” I said. “You usually talk for at least two hours. What happened?” “Wrong
number,” she replied." Family
Joke Number. 4581
"My Granddad is going senile. When he saw a sign saying “Wet Floor”. He did!!!" Family
Joke Number. 4582
"'Brave girl, 7, has body of a granny' two fantasies rolled into one." Family
Joke Number. 4583
"When is Mother's Day? Nine months after Father's Night." Family
Joke Number. 4584
"Today I asked the missus if she fancied going to see a romantic film then maybe having a nice
meal somewhere. She seemed really excited. “Sounds fantastic! How thoughtful of you!”
“Great,” I said. “There's thirty quid. I'll see you in a few hours, I'm going to the pub.”" Family
Joke Number. 4585
"My stepson has thrown a tantrum and accused me of favoritism towards my own daughter,
Chloe. I'd send him to his room in the outhouse if it hadn't already been converted into a stable
for Chloe's new pony." Family
Joke Number. 4586
"I arrived home to find the police waiting for me. “I'm sorry to tell you sir, but your wife is
dead.” said an officer. “She went to the bakery, bought two pies, ate one and then dropped dead.
“What happened to the other pie?” I asked." Family
Joke Number. 4587
It's nice in the sun. But it's even nicer in the daughter Family
Joke Number. 4588
"My great-great-great-granddad invented the Cold Air Balloon. It was a decent idea but, for
some reason, it never really took off" Family
Joke Number. 4589
"When my dad left my mum, he said something that really moved me. He said, “I've sold the
house, pack your bags by Friday.”" Family
Joke Number. 4590
"Dear Agony Aunt, I've recently started dating a 46 year old woman, and she has 2 kids. I've also
started sleeping with her 20 year old daughter. I don't need any Advice, I just thought I'd let you
know. Max." Family
Joke Number. 4591
"Researchers at Sterling University have found that parents who joke and play 'pretend' games
with their Children help them to form valuable social skills for life. So I've told my kids I'm
taking them to Disneyland next week." Family
Joke Number. 4592
"Did you keep the receipt for the dog food you got yesterday? Isn't the best way to break the
news to your wife that her dog is dead?" Family
Joke Number. 4593
"My parents hated me as a child. One Christmas I opened my present to find an empty shoe box.
They told me it was an action man deserter." Family
Joke Number. 4594
"My father was really keen on all the outdoor pursuits like hunting and fishing so I'll always
remember the last words he said to me before he died. “Be careful where you're pointing that
gun”." Family
Joke Number. 4595
"After saying I didn't want to go and see my mother-in-law in hospital, my wife said I needed to
sort my priorities out. So I filed for divorce, got drunk and went to watch the football." Family
Joke Number. 4596
I honestly do think that my daughter's new mini-skirt looks rather tight and revealing, but I like
to wear it anyway... Family
Joke Number. 4597
My wife and I have recently discovered that our teenage daughter is a compulsive liar. Sounds
like a great 'get out of jail free card' to me. Family
Joke Number. 4598
Why do old people always have the heating on full blast even in summertime? Went to see my
granny yesterday and sure enough it must have been 90 degrees in her house. The poor old dear
was dripping sweat. Mind you, at least I didn't have to lube her up... Family
Joke Number. 4599
"My mother-in-law was always nagging. She said I would never make anything of myself. So I
strangled her and made myself a murderer." Family
Joke Number. 4600
"My child was complaining to me about how he didn't want to go visit his grandma. I told him to
shut up and continue digging." Family
Joke Number. 4601
"When I was a little girl, I and my twin had it tough. Our mother would dress us in identical
clothes. I didn't mind too much but my twin hated it, especially when the boys used to look up
his skirt to see what colour knickers he was wearing." Family
Joke Number. 4602
"Did you hear about the man who fell into a machine at the upholstery factory? Luckily, he's
fully recovered" Family
Joke Number. 4603
Your mom is so hairy she makes King Kong look like a cancer patient. Family
Joke Number. 4604
"I love bouncing my mother-in-law on my knee. Sticking her in a football is more fun than an
urn." Family
Joke Number. 4605
"My friends think I'm a terrible Dad when I fob my Children off with, “Go and ask your
Mother”. It just gives me an hour or so to myself while they go to her grave." Family
Joke Number. 4606
"A man was complaining to a friend, “I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the
love of a beautiful woman... then, poof! It was all gone!” “What happened?” asked the friend.
“My wife found out...”" Family
Joke Number. 4607
"Everytime I look at my daughter, I remember Joseph Fritzl and think: “I could do that!”"
Family
Joke Number. 4608
"A man went into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. When it was placed before him he
exclaimed, “My goodness: an ice cube with a hole in it, that's new.” “No it isn't,” commented a
sullen looking man sitting next to him, “I married one.”" Family
Joke Number. 4609
"My teenage daughter has just told me she is pregnant, even though she took precautions. I took
precautions too. I swapped her birth control pills with Rohypnol." Family
Joke Number. 4610
"I am such a loser that I took my sister out for dinner on Valentine's Day. Still got laid, though."
Family
Joke Number. 4611
"My dad is brilliant. He always used to let me have a beer when my mum went out. For my 40th
birthday he let me have two." Family
Joke Number. 4612
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives. Family
Joke Number. 4613
"I was named after my grandfather. Well I wasn't going to be named before him, was I?" Family
Joke Number. 4614
When I was a kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Family
Joke Number. 4615
"I like taking my 6 year-old daughter to swimming lessons. As a parent, I think it's a vital skill
that could save her life one day. But for now, I'll enjoy the camel-toe." Family
Joke Number. 4616
"I've just found out I've got a three year old daughter! My wife says I need to be a bit more
attentive round the house." Family
Joke Number. 4617
“"Mummy, Mummy, can't we give Jane's baby a proper funeral?” “Shut up and keep flushing!”"
Family
Joke Number. 4618
"Why are men with pierced ears more suited to marriage? Because they have already
experienced pain and bought jewelry." Family
Joke Number. 4619
"Just found out my dad used to work for Johnny Cash! Collecting the money from condom
machines." Family
Joke Number. 4620
I grew up without having a dad and it made me mature quicker, more independent and stronger.
That's why I'm ditching my kids, it's for their own good. Family
Joke Number. 4621
"Went on a pleasure trip last weekend. Drove my mother-in-law to the airport." Family
Joke Number. 4622
"I remember when I was a kid, I was at a Family dinner. There was this huge chocolate cake for
after’s. I couldn't take my eyes off it. My Granddad saw me and said, “go on, no-one's looking.”
I said, “are you sure?” “Course I'm sure,” he replied. So I whacked him in the mouth." Family
Joke Number. 4623
"My son tragically lost his life over the weekend. He got his finger stuck in a ring." Family
Joke Number. 4624
"When are a mother-in-law and a beer both at their best? When they're cold, on a table and
opened up." Family
Joke Number. 4625
Your mum's so fat that I wouldn't be surprised if it caused her some minor health problems, or
even some troubles in her day-to-day running of things. She may also suffer from lack of
confidence, self-esteem issues and/or minor depression. I would suggest for her to get some
counselling. Family
Joke Number. 4626
"After some deliberation I've decided to think generous this Christmas and so I'm going to give
each member of my Family a cheque for 1,000 I haven't actually got any money in my account,
but they do say it's the thought that counts." Family
Joke Number. 4627
"GMTV are running a story about how school teachers are no longer allowed to apply sun cream
to school Children in summer for fear of prosecution from parents. Similar stories say that
careers aren't allowed to rub cream into the elderly either. They're all outraged and say its
political correctness gone mad. Well I can second their arguments. I was liberally applying sun
cream to my next door neighbor’s 15 year old daughter's chest and I'm now facing a prison
sentence and/or a security tag. When will this madness end?!?" Family
Joke Number. 4628
"Went to the planetarium with my Family this afternoon. Imagine my wife's surprise when she
discovered she's not the centre of the universe!" Family
Joke Number. 4629
"It was the first day of school and the teacher was asking the little boy about his Family. “And
what does your Daddy do?” “He's a magician.” “That must be exciting” What tricks can he do?”
“He can saw people in half.” “That is clever. And, tell me, do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“Yes, one half-brother and two-half-sisters.”" Family
Joke Number. 4630
“"Mummy, Mummy, can I get pregnant?” “Of course not, Susie, you're only 7.” “Right lads,
same again!”" Family
Joke Number. 4631
"I woke up this morning to my wife standing over me. “Happy birthday!” she burst out. “Guess
where we're going tonight?” “Where? Where?” I asked, with delight. “Spain! For a week!” she
winked. “The kids as well?” I said, smile spread across my face. “Oh yes,” she giggled. “You're
the best!” I replied. “When do you leave?”" Family
Joke Number. 4632
"The wife asked me to take the Mother in Law out last night....... a good right hook did the
trick!" Family
Joke Number. 4633
"Dead. Carlsberg don't do mother-in-laws..." Family
Joke Number. 4634
A Mother was arguing with her teenage daughter when she finally reaches breaking point and
blurts out, "I should have swallowed you when I had the chance!" Family
Joke Number. 4635
My friend's son is now a green belt at karate. I presume that means you can't build houses on
him. Family
Joke Number. 4636
"I am a responsible parent. I give my kids safety matches to play with." Family
Joke Number. 4637
"What rises 8 inches when my wife gets in at night? The water level in the bath." Family
Joke Number. 4638
"What do women call masturbation? Finishing the job." Family
Joke Number. 4639
"I'm so lucky to be surrounded by such an honest and loving Family. I think it's because of this,
no one has died since I was born. Would you believe my rabbit is 54 years old today? Though I
do wish grandma would come back from her 25 year cruise." Family
Joke Number. 4640
“"Mummy, where do babies come from?” “Well, daddies make sperm and put it inside
mummies.” “Do mummies eat it?” “Only if they want new shoes.”" Family
Joke Number. 4641
When I saw your mum crossing the road, I ran out of petrol trying to drive around her. Family
Joke Number. 4642
"They say that you should never go back to a firework once it's been lit. Our back garden's been
out of bounds since 1997." Family
Joke Number. 4643
"A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an
inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly
reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a
few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The priest
noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head
“Yes” and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would
shake his head, “No” and mumble a reply. Curious, the priest later asked the farmer what that
was all about. The farmer replied, “The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would
nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'“ The men would ask, “'You want to sell that mule?' and I
would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'" Family
Joke Number. 4644
Athletes run in my Family. Family
Joke Number. 4645
"My wife accuses me of being petty and Childish. I said to her, “Your MUM is petty and
Childish.”" Family
Joke Number. 4646
"My daughter is doing her masters at university. Well, let's face it, that's the only way she's going
to get decent marks." Family
Joke Number. 4647
"I've just seen an ad saying, “If your Dad was having a stroke, could you tell?” I couldn't help
think... 'Well he was until I was 12 and he made it perfectly clear what would happen if I told'."
Family
Joke Number. 4648
"I decided to trace my Family tree and was very disappointed with the results. I come from a
long line of dead people." Family
Joke Number. 4649
"Mummy, Mummy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men? Shut up and get
back in the oven." Family
Joke Number. 4650
"Just as mom walks through the door, little Jonny comes running over. He says ''Mommy,
Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started
kissing and then they took off each other’s clothes and laid down on the bed...'' The mother
interrupts him. ''Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!'' When the father finally returns
from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ''I'm leaving you.'' The father, bewildered,
slowly asks ''Why!?! What did I do??'' The mother turns to Jonny and says '' tell daddy exactly
what you told me today!'' ''I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door
and they started kissing and then they took each other's clothes off and laid down on the
bed...just like what you and Uncle Joe did last summer." Family
Joke Number. 4651
"Three women were sitting around talking about their husband’s performance as a lover. The
first woman says, “My Husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and
chocolates before we make love. I like that.” The second woman says, “My husband is a
motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.”
The third woman just shakes her head and says, “My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits
on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.”" Family
Joke Number. 4652
"Top Tip! Tired of sleeping with the same wife? Simply lie on top of her until she goes numb,
and Hey Presto! She'll feel like someone else's wife." Family
Joke Number. 4653
"Why do bald men have holes in their pockets? So they can run their fingers through their hair."
Family
Joke Number. 4654
"Life’s great at the minute, I've got a big house, new sports car, a lovely wife and 3 great kids...
They're not mine of course, but hey, finder’s keepers..." Family
Joke Number. 4655
"My dad was a man of few words. I remember he once said to me, “Son”." Family
Joke Number. 4656
"When my three-year-old son opened a birthday present from his granddad, he discovered a
water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I turned to my dad and
said, “I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water
guns?” My dad smiled and simply replied, “I most certainly do.”" Family
Joke Number. 4657
My daughter said she wanted to get loads of piercings, so to save on money I made her bath the
cat. Family
Joke Number. 4658
"Has anyone else noticed that the most evil and infamous men in history have sported
moustaches? Adolf Hitler, Joseph Fritzl, Saddam Huessein... Super Mario..." Family
Joke Number. 4659
"I've been doing some research into my Family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a
terrible dictator. Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said." Family
Joke Number. 4660
My dad gave me some great Advice when I was younger. When I was 14, he sat me down, said,
"Someday you're going to meet a girl who's going to be so right and so wonderful and so perfect
that you're not even going to haggle over the price." Family
Joke Number. 4661
"My wife came home yesterday and burst into the room and without explanation said she wanted
a divorce and threw me out of the house straight afterwards. I was left with only the clothes I
stood up in . . . . . . Our daughter's bra and panties!" Family
Joke Number. 4662
"Not really a joke but i thought it was quite funny, I was walking home the other day and in one
of the gardens was a man sitting down in a sunbed reading the paper with a cup of tea. Next to
him his wife was mowing the lawn. I should have saluted the man really." Family
Joke Number. 4663
Your Mom's so black, she went to night school and got marked absent Family
Joke Number. 4664
"I remember dad coming home, telling mum the factory was closing and there'd be no more
work. Then he sat down in his chair and screamed at the top of his voice - it was possibly the
wrong moment to have played the drawing pin on the seat gag." Family
Joke Number. 4665
Relatively speaking........I’m your cousin Family
Joke Number. 4666
My Daughter and I have a really close relationship and she can get very emotional...sometimes
when we're alone she gets a lump in her throat. Family
Joke Number. 4667
"I was just about to head off to the shop one day when my gran asked for some plums. Being the
polite young man I am, I proceeded to teabag her." Family
Joke Number. 4668
"A young boy comes running up to a policeman and says “Please, officer, come back to the bar
with me, my father's in a fight.” Sure enough, they get back to the bar and there's three guys
fighting like you wouldn't believe. The cop turns to the kid and says “Okay, which one's your
father?” The kid looks up at the cop and replies “I don't know, officer - that's what they're
fighting about.”" Family
Joke Number. 4669
"I'll never forgive my father for the mug he gave me on my birthday. I'd much rather have
inherited my mother's features." Family
Joke Number. 467
"A farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As
soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and
sideburns. Being pleased with his hairy face, he had his photo taken and sent it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled, “How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?” Shortly
after, the son received this terse note: “You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and
you can't even spell!”" Family
Joke Number. 4671
"I vividly recall my Grandfather and me digging a hole in the back garden and filling it with
water. Ah, yes. I remember that well." Family
Joke Number. 4672
"My new television has parental control. I'm going to use it to get my mum to make me a
sandwich." Family
Joke Number. 4673
"All my Lego figures are violent, alcoholic drug users. Maybe it's because they come from
broken homes." Family
Joke Number. 4674
"I tried to register for phone banking, but couldn't set it up. I was adopted and don't know my
mother’s maiden name." Family
Joke Number. 4675
I went to my girlfriend’s house for tea yesterday. When she blamed her farts on her Dog I just
had to laugh.... I'd just run him over in the drive way! Family
Joke Number. 4676
"I take my daughter everywhere. But she always finds her way home." Family
Joke Number. 4677
"I had a big row with the wife last night. She said, “You don't love me anymore full stop!” I said,
“You're wrong - I don't love you anymore exclamation mark!”" Family
Joke Number. 4678
"It’s important that you remember your elderly relatives in this cold winter weather. Pop round,
open a few windows and think of the inheritance." Family
Joke Number. 4679
"After years of resentment between me and my mother-in-law, I’ve finally developed an
attachment for her. It fits over her mouth and stops her breathing." Family
Joke Number. 4680
"My wife's a real peach! Round and hairy." Family
Joke Number. 4681
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. Family
Joke Number. 4682
Ladbrokes should be called Broke lads Family
Joke Number. 4683
"First, we were hunter gatherers, collecting mushrooms, nuts and berries from the jungle floor.
Then, we became scavengers, eating the remains of the kills of carnivores. Then, we became
hunters and we learned to kill for ourselves with primitive bows and spears. Then we discovered
fire and at last we could cook our food. ...And then my parents separated and I was taken into
care!" Family
Joke Number. 4684
"My sister walked in with a smile on her face holding hands with some bloke she had just met.
She said, “Guess what mum, my date didn't show up but it turned out for the best.” My mum
asked, “Oh that's nice hun, who's the lucky guy?” I said, “The one that didn't show.”" Family
Joke Number. 4685
"My gran's one of those people who thinks a cup of tea is the answer to everything. And the daft
bat still wonders why she didn't get past the first round of Mastermind." Family
Joke Number. 4686
"Sometimes I make my daughter do things she does understand and doesn't like. Tidying her
bedroom, for example." Family
Joke Number. 4687
"WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST she’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son
is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her
boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk cArton."
Family
Joke Number. 4688
I DONT think I’m very good in bed. My husband never said anything but after we made love he
would take a piece of chalk and outline my body. Family
Joke Number. 4689
"My daughter's been really well behaved today after I made her sit on the naughty step yesterday.
Admittedly it was the top step of a twenty foot ladder." Family
Joke Number. 4690
"I said, “Father, I've been thinking . . My brother Mohammed is so good at math and my sister
Zainab, so gifted on the piano. Yet I am useless at everything. Was I adopted?” He said, “Why
would you think that, Clive?”" Family
Joke Number. 4691
"'Hey Dad, do you know any jokes?' 'Sure Son, go ask your mother what she does for a living'"
Family
Joke Number. 4692
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I am 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears
every time she sees me. Family
Joke Number. 4693
"My girlfriend said I'm turning into her dad. To be fair, he shouldn't stand in the middle of our
driveway like that." Family
Joke Number. 4694
"It was tough growing up with strict parents as a deaf kid. At meal times I was always told off
for speaking with my hands full." Family
Joke Number. 4695
"A little bit of domestic abuse never hurt anyone... Well...no one that mattered anyway." Family
Joke Number. 4696
"My philosophy on life is to ignore things until they go away. Apparently this is an unacceptable
approach to parenting." Family
Joke Number. 4697
"I remember as a child going round granddad’s house on the weekends to pump iron. I still think
that’s a funny name for a dog." Family
Joke Number. 4698
I wouldn't say my mother was a nosey old cow, but she's just applied to go on Mastermind with
the specialist subject: The comings and goings at our neighbor’s house - 1830 to half past
midnight. Family
Joke Number. 4699
"After carrying my daughter Amy out of the burning house I knew I had to go back in. I fought
my way through the flames, kicked the door of the bathroom down and saw my ginger son
unconscious in the empty room. At which point I realized that Amy must have left her Barbie in
the car so I went back outside." Family
Joke Number. 4700
I was brought up by a Family of Bulimics. Family
Joke Number. 4701
"Since my kids stopped believing in Santa, things have become quite awkward. They now know
it's me that doesn't buy them presents." Family
Joke Number. 4702
Its funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it
magically becomes yours too. Family
Joke Number. 4703
"My dad's recently been hitting the booze every night. I like to call him alcopop" Family
Joke Number. 4704
My daughter looks so cute in a little sailor’s suit! The salty spray in her hair... Family
Joke Number. 4705
My mother in law was due home yesterday from her holiday in Athens. I've had my fingers
crossed all night. Family
Joke Number. 4706
"It's the mother in law's funeral tomorrow. She's only gone and cancelled it" Family
Joke Number. 4707
"I've been trying to research my Family history, then I found a web site that does it all for you.
Its simple just enter a few personal details and... ....Bob's your uncle." Family
Joke Number. 4708
"I'd been trying to settle down with one girlfriend for several years; however the problem mainly
was that my mum didn't like any of the girls I brought home. Brunettes were too dull, blonde’s
too stupid, redheads too fiery. However, one day I met a girl who was exactly the same as my
mum in personality and looks (except a bit younger). I took her home and my dad didn't like
her!" Family
Joke Number. 4709
"How many blokes does it take to change a light bulb? Three; one to change it, and two to listen
while he brags about how he screwed it." Family
Joke Number. 4710
"I always know when my daughter is masturbating in her bedroom. It shows up on the spy cam."
Family
Joke Number. 4711
"I told my daughter I was going to give up smoking. She said, “You'll never do it, you don't have
the willpower.” “I think you'll find I have incredible willpower, which is the only reason you're
still a virgin,” I replied." Family
Joke Number. 4712
"I brought my kids some crayons yesterday... It was a present to make my kin scrawl. Family
Joke Number. 4713
"We may have our Differences, but I do sometimes envy the mother-in-law. She always could
grow a moustache faster than me." Family
Joke Number. 4714
The other day the wife said to me "Its obvious women are smArter than men. Think about it!
Diamonds are a girl’s best friend; man’s best friend is a dog." to which I replied "let’s see a
diamond rescue you when your drowning". That wiped the smug look off her face. Family
Joke Number. 4715
"I am the youngest of 3 in my Family. My mum and dad are much older than me" Family
Joke Number. 4716
"Got a 'pony' for my 11 year-old daughter yesterday. Pretty disappointing really, I had expected
to get at least 200 quid for her. Mind you, I might have done if she'd still been a virgin!" Family
Joke Number. 4717
"My wife woke me up in the early hours saying can you hear something I thinks it's a burglar go
and see. I replied it might be a rapist you go and see." Family
Joke Number. 4718
Live off your parents until you can live off your Children. Family
Joke Number. 4719
"Man sells his award winning Doberman pinscher for 20. When asked why he replied. It attacked
and killed my mother-in-law last week and I don't need it anymore." Family
Joke Number. 4720
I was watching TV with the wife in the lounge. I could hear my daughters making a right racket
in their bedroom. I shouted, "Knock it off! Don't make me come, down there". My wife turned to
me and said "They're upstairs dear", I think she misunderstood what I was threatening them with.
Family
Joke Number. 4721
"When I was a kid I lived for football - I was either playing football or watching football. My
dad said, “I think I'll be watching you run out at Stamford Bridge when you're grown up”. He
was so wrong - he got hit by a bus a week later." Family
Joke Number. 4722
"I'm always dead awkward around relatives, I can never say the right thing. Just the other day my
gran said 'Look! You're growing a beard!' Apparently, 'So are you' is not an appropriate
response." Family
Joke Number. 4723
"I just hit my wife with a memory foam pillow. She'll never forget it!" Family
Joke Number. 4724
"The camera in my daughter's bathroom is for safety purposes only. I can't risk going on those
websites anymore." Family
Joke Number. 4725
"My wife's dinners melt in my mouth. I wish she'd defrost them first." Family
Joke Number. 4726
Being called 'cool' by your parents is like being called 'fashionable' by someone wearing a potato
sack Family
Joke Number. 4727
"The school said my son is really clever and could end up being a scientist! I wonder where he
gets that from. I'll ask the milkman - he's in Mensa and has been on Mastermind." Family
Joke Number. 4728
"An argument recently overheard in a primary school playground. “Your Mum's like a double
decker bus... there's always room for one more on top.” “Yeah, well YOUR MUM'S like a
double decker... she only costs a pound to ride and kids under five go free.”" Family
Joke Number. 4729
"When does a woman care for a man's company? When he owns it." Family
Joke Number. 4730
"My gran asked me to go round there earlier and help her in the garden. So I went round there
and pushed her out the back door." Family
Joke Number. 4731
"I told my friend I hate my dad. He said “Same.” That's a bit harsh, he hasn't even met my dad
yet!" Family
Joke Number. 4732
"I walked in on my wife singing the other day. Surprised, I said “Oh, I thought you were the
radio.” Flattered, she asked “Did you come to listen?” “No,” I replied, “I came to turn it off.”"
Family
Joke Number. 4733
"When I was younger like everyone else, I had an imaginary friend. But mine was an alcoholic,
and I called him dad." Family
Joke Number. 4734
"I've just seen my daughter masturbating for the first time. I'm only joking, it's my favourite
dvd." Family
Joke Number. 4735
"My X-box controller is a lot like my kids. I can play games with them for hours on end, but as
soon as I lose it gets thrown at the wall." Family
Joke Number. 4736
"I went to see a bearded dragon today... ...or as my wife prefers me to call her, the mother in
law." Family
Joke Number. 4737
"Went on a Family holiday to Africa last year. My mother-in-law got bitten by a black mamba.
Terrible thing to watch a snake dying in agony." Family
Joke Number. 4738
"My girlfriend doesn't find paedophile jokes funny, she’s too young to understand them" Family
Joke Number. 4739
"I had to make the biggest decision of my life today. Social Services made me choose between
my daughter and alcohol. For all the right reasons I decided to give up Stella. Stupid name for a
kid anyway." Family
Joke Number. 4740
"My son asked me, “what's an example of poetic justice?” I told him, it’s like when a woman
falls down the stairs, at a battered woman's shelter." Family
Joke Number. 4741
"My mum recently got divorced and married a guy in a wheelchair. I don't think of him as a step
dad though, he's more a senior role model." Family
Joke Number. 4742
"My daughter asked my wife and I what it is like to be pregnant. I told her to put a bean bag
down the front of her jumper and keep it there for nine months. After nine months take ten per
cent of the beans out." Family
Joke Number. 4743
Condoms are like parents... they are there to protect you, but usually it's more fun when they're
not around. Family
Joke Number. 4744
Men are rather like periods to a woman, they come and they go, but when she hits a certain age
they just stop coming altogether. Family
Joke Number. 4745
My granddad asked me what I wanted for my birthday so I told him a ship in a bottle... Shame
his hearing is getting bad Family
Joke Number. 4746
Liverpool.....The only place where you can find a multipack of Fathers' Day cards. Family
Joke Number. 4747
"A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the
rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. “Grandpa what are you doing?” he
exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. “Grandpa, what are
you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again. The old man slowly
looked at him and said, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This is your Grandma's idea.”" Family
Joke Number. 4748
"The Man’s rule of conduct: If another guy's zip is open, thats their problem, you didn't see
anything." Family
Joke Number. 4749
"It's my birthday today and as I sat with my dad I said, “ So then. About nine months and forty
three years ago you were giving mum one eh!” He said, “ Aye, and if I knew it would be the only
time in forty three years I would've enjoyed it a bit more.” My brother looked up and said. “
Hold on a minute.”" Family
Joke Number. 4750
"I asked my mum if I was adopted the other day, she said, 'If I adopted a child, I would have
picked a better one then you!' Yeh, thanks 'mum'." Family
Joke Number. 4751
I've wanted to run away from home more since I became a parent than when I was a child.
Family
Joke Number. 4752
“"Postal workers have been striking for a week now and have nothing to show for it I know how
they feel, I've been striking the wife for years" Family
Joke Number. 4753
My hubby always rolls his sleeves up and gets stuck in ....... I love being fisted Family
Joke Number. 4754
"When a doctor remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, “High
blood pressure, Doc. It runs in my Family.” “Your mother's side or your father's?” the doctor
asked. “Neither,” the patient replied. “It's from my wife's Family.” “Oh, come now,” said the
doctor. “How could your wife's Family give you high blood pressure?” He sighed. “You ought to
meet 'em sometime.”" Family
Joke Number. 4755
"I took my gran to an antiques auction today I got 23.00 for her" Family
Joke Number. 4756
"My daughter's had her tongue pierced. I caught her smoking, so nailed it to the coffee table."
Family
Joke Number. 4757
"I'm not very happy that my Daughter and her friends are locked in the bathroom spending ages
getting themselves ready for a night out. It took me ages to find a good hiding spot in her
bedroom." Family
Joke Number. 4758
"The wifes so incredibly slow at vacuuming. I'm gonna have to put my foot down." Family
Joke Number. 4759
"I was at a fairground and saw a fortune-teller's tent. I went inside and sat down. “Ah.....” said
the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two Children.” “That's
what you think,” I said scornfully. “I'm the father of THREE Children.” The woman grinned and
said “That's what YOU think!”" Family
Joke Number. 4760
"Roses are red Violets are blue Your sister said no How about you?" Family
Joke Number. 4761
"Have you been involved in an accident that wasn't your fault? Yes. My conception." Family
Joke Number. 4762
"My old gran refuses to grow old gracefully. Last night she won first prize in a wet shawl
contest." Family
Joke Number. 4763
As you get older, the birthday cards you receive get meaner. The closer the person is to you, it
seems the meaner they are. Last year I got a card with a rotting corpse on the front and inside it
read, 'At least you can still attract flies. Lots of love, mum.' Family
Joke Number. 4764
"If it's a crime for a man to care for his wife and kids, then I guess I'm guilty. Turns out that's
what the judge thought too. And apparently 'care for' isn't a valid metaphor for 'repeatedly abuse
and violate'." Family
Joke Number. 4765
I'm not saying that my parents hated me as a child, but my first Christmas gift I can remember
from them was a pair of scissors and running shoes. Family
Joke Number. 4766
"In trouble with the wife again. Went out for a lovely meal and I said to her, “You've a bit of
food on your chin.” When she went to wipe it off, all I said was, “No, the other chin.”" Family
Joke Number. 4767
The night before last the wife fell asleep in the bath and left the hot water running. It's a good job
she had her mouth open or else the tub would have overflowed. Family
Joke Number. 4768
"My big sister is not talking to me anymore. For her 40th birthday, I sent her a singing
mammogram." Family
Joke Number. 4769
I was sad when my grandparents died. It was especially sad because we lost a unique generation
that could instantly mend any electrical appliance under the sun just by giving it a good hefty
whack with an old slipper. Family
Joke Number. 4770
I woke up this morning feeling sick. Unfortunately as I crept into my little brothers bedroom, my
dad had beaten me too it. Family
Joke Number. 4771
"My wife has just given birth to twin daughters. She asked me “What do you think of when you
look at them both together?” Apparently “Threesome” was not the answer she had hoped for."
Family
Joke Number. 4772
My daughter's very demanding.....usually for me to stop. Family
Joke Number. 4773
"In a cake shop with my daughter: “Daddy, can you buy me a strawberry tArt?” “No, you'll end
up getting fat like your mum.” She thought about this for a while. “But mummy's not fat.” “Yes
she is - you're adopted.”" Family
Joke Number. 4774
I don't see a problem with Autoerotic Asphyxiation, I like my men well hung... Family
Joke Number. 4775
"The other day I went to Office Max to get some supplies. While there I bought a new ink
cArtridge for my printer. It came in a fairly large box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic.
When I took it apart, which took an unnecessarily long time, I found that the printer cArtridge
itself was actually quite small. It seems they made the packaging large to make it harder to steal
and to make the customer feel better about the high price. So I pointed this out to my wife and
mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect it
made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal. She’s still
laughing." Family
Joke Number. 4776
I'm your father and having you was not my idea. Family
Joke Number. 4777
"My daughter's really upset today - a boy touched her up at the under 14's disco last night. I was
fuming! I would've punched his lights out if I hadn't been chucked out first." Family
Joke Number. 4778
A young 12 year old girl is being tucked into bed by her mother .The mum say's "Now then
Jenny if you pray really hard tonight your wish will come true tomorrow! " Jenny says "Ok
mummy , " and off she goes to sleep. The next morning Jenny wakes up and screams "
MUMMY! my wish hasn't come true !" "Why's that ?"replied mum
"I wished that daddy wouldn't mol--- me , but he's here ----ing my -------s ! "
Mum rushes in and shouts "April fool!!" How they all laughed Family
Joke Number. 4779
"My daughter thinks she's quite posh. She tries to speak with my plums in her mouth." Family
Joke Number. 4780
"When life gives you lemons... Send them to my grandma. She can make a meal out of anything
and enjoys getting mail." Family
Joke Number. 4781
"My daughter stood there. Her slender thighs covered in sheer stockings, her skirt so short it
revealed the tops of her suspenders. She wore a top so tight and see-through that it showed every
curve of her young supple body. My wife had decided that this was the last time I'd be sent
clothes shopping alone." Family
Joke Number. 4782
"My mum just came in from work while I was babysitting my brother. I said, “Mum, Billy's just
died.” She went into a mad panic and broke down in tears, “Tell me it isn't true,” she cried. I
said, “Yeah I was only joking.” “Thank god, oh thank you god,” she sobbed. I said, “Yeah, he
died this morning.”" Family
Joke Number. 4783
"I won an award for laziness last week. My mother picked it up on my behalf." Family
Joke Number. 4784
"Whenever I feel depressed at work about my mundane job, I look at the picture on my desk of
the wife and kids and thank my lucky stars. That I'm at work." Family
Joke Number. 4785
"I just did my best Sean Connery impression to my dad He replied with a very impressive
impersonation of Roger Moore That's father and son Bonding." Family
Joke Number. 4786
According to social services, I'm not the great parent I claim to be. Apparently my son is in a
meningitis induced coma and not hibernating. Family
Joke Number. 4787
"After 18 long and difficult years, my son finally came out of the closet yesterday. The doctor
said it was the worst case of agoraphobia he'd ever seen." Family
Joke Number. 4788
"What do you call a man with a dog on his head? A bit weird." Family
Joke Number. 4789
"What's worse than catching your son masturbating while sniffing a pair of your daughter’s
knickers? Catching your son masturbating while sniffing a pair of your boxers. Family
Joke Number. 4790
"I gave my daughter a black eye for being out of line. A bit harsh I know, but colouring in
shouldn't be so sloppy at six years old." Family
Joke Number. 4791
"I walked into my mums bedroom as she was masturbating. I said “Don't worry mum, I’ve seen
it all before”. “What did you come in here for?” she asked. “My spy cam” I said." Family
Joke Number. 4792
"My wife told me her mother is coming to stay for the weekend. I've spent the last hour trying to
get the letters out of the welcome mat." Family
Joke Number. 4793
"I took my son to work at the adoption agency. I'll never forget the look on his face as they
slammed the van doors..." Family
Joke Number. 4794
"My mum text me using a ';)' today... I'm hoping she didn't realize that's only really used for
flirting... however, when I read the text back 'oh you forgotten your key: P I'll leave the back
open ;)' I did get scared." Family
Joke Number. 4795
"My mother's told me that I've inherited my grandfather's genes. And his shirts and a packet of
weathers." Family
Joke Number. 4796
It was my little un's birthday today. We had all her friends over to watch a movie. Its great
watching them all laugh together. Now she wants Schindler's List every year! Family
Joke Number. 4797
"I want to be just like my dad... ... and not have any Children." Family
Joke Number. 4798
"Yesterday my wife asked me to make her a sandwich. I laughed so hard and split a rib. One of
hers." Family
Joke Number. 4799
"I was sick of spending a fortune on a haircut every other week, so I shaved it all off. My wife
hated it. She said our 6 year old daughter didn't suit a skinhead." Family
Joke Number. 4800
"My son has been getting these really bad headaches. I keep telling him, “Feet first when you get
out of bed.”" Family
Joke Number. 4801
"My Mum recently got divorced and married a guy in a wheelchair. Do I still call him my step
dad?" Family
Joke Number. 4802
"My wife just gave birth, which is great because I always said I wanted a child for 4 years or so.
My wife however, wants to keep it forever." Family
Joke Number. 4803
My girlfriend told me I was a selfish lover. I said, "Well, your mother did warn you." Family
Joke Number. 4804
9 months prior to our birthdays we should have a "celebrate dad bending mum over day" Family
Joke Number. 4805
"I miss my Dad. He was like a father to me." Family
Joke Number. 4806
Last night I played FIFA 11 with my kid and beat him. It's his own fault, he should have lost.
Family
Joke Number. 4807
"I could hear noises coming from my son's bedroom tonight, so i looked in to see if he was
alright. As soon as I walked in, he stared at me, stopped moving, and couldn't string a sentence
together. Turns out he was having a stroke." Family
Joke Number. 4808
"Me: 'Dad, can I go to bathroom?' Dad: ' Kiran, MAY I go to the bathroom?' I don't care if it's
father’s day, I asked first" Family
Joke Number. 4809
"My son walked down the stairs sad faced in a suit today. “Are you up in court again?” I
snapped. “Everything has been going brilliantly for us the last few days, and now this!” “No
Dad,” he frowned. “Its mum’s funeral today.”" Family
Joke Number. 4810
"My 5 year old came back from school today with a picture he had drawn of our Family. He
obviously knows about our financial problems because we're all standing outside of our house."
Family
Joke Number. 4811
"My parents have just thrown me out. They think i treat the Family home like a hotel, which I
don't! Either way I have 1 hour to pack my things and leave my key at reception." Family
Joke Number. 4812
"My gran's Alzheimer's is getting worse. The weird thing is, she can remember what happened
twenty years ago but she can't remember what happened ten minutes ago! If she lives another
twenty years I'm so busted." Family
Joke Number. 4813
My mother is an always trying to outdo me. Last night she walked into the bathroom as I was
choking the bishop then, today, she had to go and push the Pope. Family
Joke Number. 4814
"The Ex-wife rang me up today and screamed at me “Your sons ran away from home !”
Laughing I said “So did I, remember!”" Family
Joke Number. 4815
"If I had a pound for every time my father called me a failure I wouldn't be a failure anymore"
Family
Joke Number. 4816
"The wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Starship Troopers... Would you
like to know more?" Family
Joke Number. 4817
"I'm watching Monsters vs. Aliens As soon as the in-laws leave, we'll probably pop in a DVD."
Family
Joke Number. 4818
"Stella: Because the gals ain't gonna beat themselves." Family
Joke Number. 4819
"Unwanted gift? Why not have them adopted?" Family
Joke Number. 4820
My Gran always said she wanted to be laid in wet concrete after she'd died, we all argued with
her, but in the end she won. She's dead, set in her way....... Family
Joke Number. 4821
Taking my wife to see the Muppets tonight. I hope her mum cooks something I like this time
Family
Joke Number. 4822
"Two weeks after we got married, and already we started having regrets. Or babies, as the wife
likes to call them." Family
Joke Number. 4823
"When I was young my Granddad used to tell me this rhyme. “See my finger? See my thumb?
See my fist? You'd better run!” Which is ironic, as even if I ran he still fisted me." Family
Joke Number. 4824
I've never seen my mum. She left before I was born. Family
Joke Number. 4825
"A couple of years ago we had a big Family party at my Uncle Tims house At this party was a
giant buffet which included this giant chocolate cake At the end of the buffet, half of this
delicious cake was left I looked over at my grandfather who had a big smile on his face and said
to me “go on... no one's looking” I said “are you sure?” he replied “go on.... no one's looking” So
I punched grandma" Family
Joke Number. 4826
"My dad always said he would see me alright if he ever won the lottery. Well he won two
million last week and kept true to his word. He's had laser eye surgery." Family
Joke Number. 4827
My Granddad has re-invented the rocking chair. It rocks forward rather than backwards. It allows
him to feign interest in people's conversations. Family
Joke Number. 4828
"So the Government are going to give cash handouts to green drivers. I wonder how much my
Mother in Law will get for her broomstick?" Family
Joke Number. 4829
"Smoking killed my granddad. One evening he lit up a cig in no man's land and a sniper blew his
head off." Family
Joke Number. 4830
"Met an old friend today. She told me she lost her mum last week. “Oh, that's awful,” I said.
“Have you tried retracing your steps, she might still be where you left her.” Some people just
can't take a joke!" Family
Joke Number. 4831
"I asked my nephew what he wanted for his birthday and he asked for a Bat mobile... Well
unbeknownst to me, one of them was still alive when I hung it over it his bed." Family
Joke Number. 4832
Trust me. It's better to walk in on both of your parents than just one. Family
Joke Number. 4833
"As I looked out of my bedroom window at the snow I thought to myself, “How can something
so beautiful be so cold in nature and cause misery to everyone but four year old boys...” ...Then I
remembered my ex-wife." Family
Joke Number. 4834
"How do you know when your mother-in-law is on her period? There's blood on her
broomstick." Family
Joke Number. 4835
"When I was born my mother must have thought I was a real treasure... Cause she tried burying
me several times." Family
Joke Number. 4836
"I think I must be going bald... It's taking longer and longer to wash my face in the morning..."
Family
Joke Number. 4837
"Teenage daughters are like that box of chocolates at Christmas... You know you shouldn't, but
you just can't help yourself" Family
Joke Number. 4838
"If it wasn't for the likes of my granddad, we'd all be talking German now! He really was a
terrible Language Teacher." Family
Joke Number. 4839
"My uncle was a weird fellow... ...Artificial legs, real feet." Family
Joke Number. 4840
"I was arguing with my wife last night. She accused me of being a delusional fantasist. I was
shocked. So I held gently held my hand against her face, breathed in slowly and shouted “Flame
on!”." Family
Joke Number. 4841
"I went to the police and reported that my wife is missing ever since she went to buy groceries a
week ago. “Well, why didn't you report earlier?” “I had enough groceries to last me a week.”"
Family
Joke Number. 4842
"Was on the train earlier when a guy got up and left his expensive new phone on the seat. I
didn't say anything and he got off, I went to retrieve my new phone. Before I could even pick it
up it started ringing - 'mum' - I left the phone where it was. She always seems to know when I
am up to no good, that wily minx." Family
Joke Number. 4843
"You think seeing your Mum kissing Santa Claus was bad. I saw him kissing my Dad" Family
Joke Number. 4844
"My wife bounced into the room and said, “I've got some good news!” “What is it?” I asked.
“My mum's beaten the cancer,” she squealed. She's all clear!” Always going off on a tangent, my
wife. I never did find out what that good news was." Family
Joke Number. 4845
"The Wife asked me last night, “how would you judge the success of a Man?” So of course I said
“by the amount of Women he's banged” Then she said “how would you judge the success of a
Woman?” “Well of course by how many sandwiches she's made” I'm sleeping on the sofa
tonight...." Family
Joke Number. 4846
"My Wife has a really pretty face, but the only problem is she is carrying a bit of timber. I've told
her working at the lumber yard isn't very lady like." Family
Joke Number. 4847
I thought i would make the mother in laws room more comfy as she is staying for a while, I just
don't know where to put the bikes and the lawn mower. Family
Joke Number. 4848
"My big sister was taunting me, and said parents said I was a mistake. Well, I asked my mum
about my conception, and she was shocked, she said “No love, we really wanted a baby and we
had you on purpose.” ...it was only later we realized it was a mistake”." Family
Joke Number. 4849
"My sister was on Big Brother tonight. I'm hoping to get a repeat performance before I go to
sleep." Family
Joke Number. 4850
My wife cooks meals that even Gordon Ramsay would be proud of. To be fair, she uses his
system. She cries and panics whilst I swear at her. Family
Joke Number. 4851
"I just hacked my mother in law's Facebook, and put,' I just gave my son in law head' as her
status. It didn't go down too well with the Family as she died yesterday." Family
Joke Number. 4852
When our 10 year old grandson stays with us for the weekend we're not allowed to smoke in the
house. The wife makes us stand outside in the cold. And she wonders why he doesn't like her.
Family
Joke Number. 4853
"I was using the palm of my hand this morning instead of an ashtray, and the wife was
complaining Don't know why though, the ashtray would've done a lot more damage." Family
Joke Number. 4854
"As many a good man will know; anything you can't fix with a hammer and some gaffer tape
isn't worth fixing. Needless to say, my first marriage didn't last long." Family
Joke Number. 4855
"I'm a good kind of guy who laughs at my own mistakes. My son didn't think it was funny
though..." Family
Joke Number. 4856
"I explained to the girl as gently as I could that I didn't want to continue our relationship and I
couldn't see us going anywhere. There wasn't anyone else involved but I just didn't love her
anymore and I wanted her to move out of my house. I felt a bit guilty but I knew it was for the
best. She said through the tears “But Daddy where else can I go?”" Family
Joke Number. 4857
"I like to tell people that my Family have a fairy tale life. It sounds better than saying that my
wife's in a coma and I've eaten the kids." Family
Joke Number. 4858
"Tips for blokes -- How to clean a toilet: 1. Barrow cat from neighbours. 2. Pour soap into
toilet. 3. Add cat and close lid. 4. Sit on lid. 5. Allow cat time to act. 6. Flush several
times to rinse. 7. Raise lid and admire shine." Family
Joke Number. 4859
Was having a nice Family game of football earlier and, despite their youthful energy, managed to
beat both my kids. It made me feel better after losing to them at the football. Family
Joke Number. 4860
"I offered to bathe the kids for the wife last night, which made me realize how useless I was. I
had no idea whether to use Persil or Mr. Muscle..." Family
Joke Number. 4861
"My friend told me he loved homemade gifts for Christmas.. Excitedly, I asked “which one of
my kids do you want?”" Family
Joke Number. 4862
"I'm hoping my in laws don't stay too long on Christmas day. But, just to make sure I've also
invited the black couple from next door." Family
Joke Number. 4863
"My 13 year old daughter who goes to Mentee School in Waltham tow London says I've got a
problem with trust. So I've decided to not pick her up from school tomorrow to show that I trust
her to walk home alone." Family
Joke Number. 4864
"Last week my wife told me that I spend too much time on Sickipedia. She said, “It's either
Sickipedia or me and the kids, your choice”. To be honest I don't even miss them." Family
Joke Number. 4865
Divorce - Because every man deserves a second chance Family
Joke Number. 4866
"My mother kicked my dad out of the house for cheating. She seriously needs to give that board
game a rest." Family
Joke Number. 4867
"At the tender age of 82 my gran has lost the plot, she keeps thinking that I am my granddad. To
be honest it's a compliment, he was a great bloke. But, the biggest compliment of all was the fact
that 'Apparently' I'm better in bed. Family
Joke Number. 4868
My uncle taught me the facts of life. I can't tell anyone though because it’s our little secret
Family
Joke Number. 4869
Real men cry....but REAL men kill all witnesses of them crying Family
Joke Number. 4870
"When my mum told me I should increase my iron intake I took her Advice. She was horrified
when she caught me sucking on her discarded tampons." Family
Joke Number. 4871 "I would always put my kids first. Especially if there was a car coming towards us."
Family
Joke Number. 4872
"The other day 2 year old brother started screaming at the sight of a spider. All i wanted was
some peace but I couldn't kill the poor thing so I wrapped it in toilet paper and through it out of
the window. However my parents said that was an irresponsible thing to do to a two year old."
Family
Joke Number. 4873
My girlfriend is such a hypochondriac. She got jet lag when the clocks went back Family
Joke Number. 4874
You know you're getting old when Miss Marple starts looking hot Family
Joke Number. 4875
"My wife told me I'm a terrible Father. She said I really need to pull my finger out Of our son."
Family
Joke Number. 4876
"My daughter’s boyfriend asked, “Do you think it's ok to make fun of AIDS?” I said, “Sure,
that's why we called her it.”" Family
Joke Number. 4877
"My mother-in-law came round earlier and really made my day... She left early." Family
Joke Number. 4878
"My parents have decided to put my gran into a care home, after she tearfully broke down,
admitting to symptoms of Alzheimer's. Maybe it's time I stopped using rohypnol." Family
Joke Number. 4879
"Got the bearded dragon a new tank today. The wife ain't happy though, she doesn't think it's an
appropriate place for her mother." Family
Joke Number. 4880
My son has been watching Home Alone and getting loads of funny ideas... like spending
Christmas together as a Family. Family
Joke Number. 4881
"My ginger son's birthday is today. I've explained in previous years that we don't get him any
birthday presents because it's so close to Christmas. It seems to upset him, especially because
we're Jewish and don't celebrate Christmas." Family
Joke Number. 4882
"I love my dad's granddad.... ...he's great." Family
Joke Number. 4883
"My old man's a dust man. We cremated him this morning." Family
Joke Number. 4884
"My Father was mental. He used to think he was a Boeing 747 I don't remember too much about
him. He took off when I was five" Family
Joke Number. 4885
So it's mother’s day I had trouble deciding what to get my mother-in-law I couldn't choose
between a Toyota Prius or a holiday in Haiti, so eventually I plumped for luging lessons in
Vancouver. Family
Joke Number. 4886
You know your parents don't love you when you receive LimeWire vouchers for your birthday.
Family
Joke Number. 4887
"BBC News- man found chopped up in the River Hull A spokeswomen for the Family said that
they loved him to bits" Family
Joke Number. 488
My wife accused me of having absolutely no sense of direction. Honestly, I was so disgusted I
just packed my things and right. Family
Joke Number. 4889
"Doctor- I’m afraid were going to have to pull the plug on your son. Mother- I thought you said
he was perfectly healthy? Doctor- Oh I did, but his bath is overflowing." Family
Joke Number. 4890
"I think my dad was a magician. He did a disappearing act when I was born." Family
Joke Number. 4891
"My wife just told me that I’m lazy good for nothing lay about, that does nothing to help her
around the house. That's the last time I arrange for her to borrow a ladder when she has to realign
the sky dish" Family
Joke Number. 4892
"My daughter and wife had a race to see who could hang the most washing out. It was level
pegging at the end." Family
Joke Number. 4893
Your mums so fat that when she jumped in the air she got stuck. Family
Joke Number. 4894
My Mom is a terrible cook. In our house we pray after we eat. Family
Joke Number. 4895
"My girlfriend said she wanted to name our baby daughter a name that she “could see in lights.”
Just a minute, I need to change Marlboro's nappy." Family
Joke Number. 4896
"My Cousin has just had an Article written in the local newspaper with her photo saying how she
is a successful business woman. 'What a strange coincidence' I said. 'Fancy how two people from
the same Family end up with their picture in the paper the same week. We should celebrate.'
Apparently her being a successful business women and me being a paedophile is not a reason for
the Family to throw a party." Family
Joke Number. 4897
"John: I am a man of few words Bill: I am married too" Family
Joke Number. 4898
I lost my Grandfather last week. That was the worst game of Poker I have ever been involved in.
Family
Joke Number. 4899
"Put an end to fathers for justice.... ....have a kid with Britney Spears" Family
Joke Number. 4900
My dad told me ice cream vans only made that noise when they ran out. Family
Joke Number. 4901
“"IPad is thin. iPad is beautiful.” Can I trade in my wife?" Family
Joke Number. 4902
"When my gran dies she's gonna spend 100,000 quid on having her body frozen so she can be
brought back to life in the future. Although I think we'll probably just pocket the 100,000 and
bung her in the freezer." Family
Joke Number. 4903
"My cheeky teenage daughter burst through the door from school today, before grabbing the
remote, sitting back and turning the channel over. “Give me the remote,” I glared. “Then go to
the kitchen and fetch me a lager out of the fridge.” “The cheek!” She spat. “Who died and made
you god?” “Your mother, this morning,” I replied. “Now hop along.”" Family
Joke Number. 4904
“"Let’s play charades” my Mother in Law said as she walked into the lounge. “Enter the
Dragon” I shouted. “We haven't started yet” she replied. “ It was an observation not a guess”"
Family
Joke Number. 4905
Your mum is so fat she can't even pick out the first pringles Family
Joke Number. 4906
"My wife always smashes up our furniture when she's depressed. She's a shelf-harmer." Family
Joke Number. 4907
"What are the two worst things about your mother-in-law? Her faces." Family
Joke Number. 4908
"My granddad's a chess master, but after 6 years of playing, I've finally won my first game
against him. I hope the second games shorter though." Family
Joke Number. 4909
"My 8 year old son reckoned he was old enough to go out on his own at night, so I sent him to
get our fish supper at the chippie (The Fishy Finger), which is on a particularly dodgy estate. As
a joke I asked him to get 'a battered ring'. That was three days ago. Don't worry............we had a
pot noodle instead." Family
Joke Number. 4910
"What do you call an orphan's Family tree? A stump." Family
Joke Number. 4911
"My wife has just had baby, were both so happy! But the most amazing thing is that my little
boy, thanks to a genetic disease, was born black. It does not bother me one bit I still love my boy.
I told my mate Leroy about it and he seemed just as shocked as I was!" Family
Joke Number. 4912
I'm the youngest of 3, my parents are both older. Family
Joke Number. 4913
"During the Second World War, my grandfather couldn't stop scribbling. He got hit by the
Doodlebug." Family
Joke Number. 4914
"My wife's just told me she expecting her mum to come round for dinner on Christmas Day. I'm
disappointed. I thought I'd hit her so hard she's be unconscious till February at least....." Family
Joke Number. 4915
I killed, cooked and ate my mother in law yesterday. Just one of the many advantages of being
married to a chicken. Family
Joke Number. 4916
"I was asked the question, “What would you rather be, blind or deaf?” I answered deaf, my wife
is pretty hot but her voice does my head in." Family
Joke Number. 4917
Josef Fritzl is always the Dungeon Master in Dungeons & Dragons Family
Joke Number. 4918
Chris Benoit is my biological dad. Thank God he didn't know Family
Joke Number. 4919
"I was driving in a town near Arkinsaw the other day and my girlfriend said to me 'Isn't this
place notorious for incest?' I replied 'No but it's relatively close'" Family
Joke Number. 4920
"My Children take after my wife. They're imaginary." Family
Joke Number. 4921
"I went to my nan's house for dinner on her birthday. After enjoying the lovely spread she had
layed out, she told me that she wanted her present... So I gave her a pearl necklace. And then I
gave my present to her!" Family
Joke Number. 4922
"I'm well excited, I think my wife’s taking me on a surprise holiday; I overheard a couple of
work colleagues talking about how she's packing my bags. It'll be good for us since our marriage
has been on the rocks for a while now." Family
Joke Number. 4923
"On his wedding day I told my son that I wasn't losing a son but gaining a daughter. In retrospect
it was a callous way of telling him that I had got his fiancé pregnant." Family
Joke Number. 4924
When I have a bad dream I ask my daughter if I can get into her bed with her. Family
Joke Number. 4925
"I hate that awkward moment when your mum walks in on you dancing by yourself in the
bedroom... and you notice she's naked." Family
Joke Number. 4926
"I was sat watching TV earlier when my wife said “Watch out, the Sun's coming through the
window” “Nothing to worry about, I'll close the blinds”, I replied. Then she threw my son
through the window." Family
Joke Number. 4927
Your mother is so poor.....she can't even pay attention. Family
Joke Number. 4928
Parents, give your child a normal name. No one wants to hire someone with a name that sounds
like a Harry Potter spell Family
Joke Number. 4929
"My father's a wise man. He trusted me enough to let me make my own decisions, and learn
from my mistakes for as long as I can remember. I really hope I get to meet him someday."
Family
Joke Number. 4930
Men are like bad drivers - always pulling out not caring whose coming! Family
Joke Number. 4931
"A 30 year old woman was arrested and charged recently with stealing between 50,000 and
150,000 from her 72 year old aunt who suffers from dementia. I could never do such a thing.
There's just no history of dementia in my Family." Family
Joke Number. 4932
"Tonight was the best night of my life, I had my first daughter. I can't wait to have my second
daughter, she should be home any minute now." Family
Joke Number. 4933
"My dad was a comedian, so comedy is in my blood. I wish I could get it into my jokes." Family
Joke Number. 4934
"My girlfriend said to me the other day: “Hey wanna join my parents for tea tonight?” I replied:
“I'd rather join MY parents.” “I thought your parents were dead.” “They are.”" Family
Joke Number. 4935
No thanks Aero, if I really wanted to "feel the bubbles", I'd just jump into the bath with my
daughter like normal. Family
Joke Number. 4936
"Every Sunday morning I like to get up bright and early and head off to the car boot .... I hide my
secret Family in there" Family
Joke Number. 4937
My kids are really good looking. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. Family
Joke Number. 4938
"Whenever anyone asks me whether I have kids I always give a cheeky wink and reply with
“Not that I know of.” My wife doesn't like this. And my son hates it." Family
Joke Number. 4939
"I've just spent all morning digging up the allotment for my granddad. I can't remember where I
buried him." Family
Joke Number. 4940
Irony is growing up thinking ur mum would be the one to catch you masturbating.... Family
Joke Number. 4941
It's kind of ironic that they caution pregnant women not to drink alcohol in case it harms the
baby. If it wasn't for alcohol most women wouldn't be that way. Family
Joke Number. 4942
Yo Momma is so fat, bouncy castles hire her for parties. Family
Joke Number. 4943
Monthly contact lenses are like parents. Eventually you lose one of them and the one that's left
constantly annoys you until you're left with a pounding headache and you feel the need to take it
out. Family
Joke Number. 4944
Your mum is so slow that her de Broglie wavelength is observable on macroscopic scales.
Family
Joke Number. 4945
"Just been dumped by the missus. Apparently, when we are outside our house, while it's burning
to the ground, saying “Ah, it needed decorating anyway.” Is wrong. Especially when our baby is
inside." Family
Joke Number. 4946
"When my wife was heavily pregnant, I still found her attractive. Although, I think this was due
to the increase in gravity." Family
Joke Number. 4947
"I told my wife the other day ' I've Just finished writing a song about a hammer today' she said '
Oh really, hit me with it!' She could have phrased it better, re-constructive surgery starts Friday"
Family
Joke Number. 4948
"Wife: This is the worst thing you've ever done. Husband: You say that so often that it lost its
meaning." Family
Joke Number. 4949
"My dad was a taxi driver, then he just left, with no indication." Family
Joke Number. 4950
I thought that mentioning that I had a young Family at a recent social event would break the ice
and help people warm to me, but when I introduced my 11 year old wife, the horrified look on
their faces suggested otherwise. Family
Joke Number. 4951
"I was out on a camping trip with my wife when a large bear came into our path. I remembered I
had my new gun in my backpack for these sorts of situations, one shot to the wife's kneecap and
I was able to get away at only a brisk walking pace." Family
Joke Number. 4952
"I was driving along the road the other day when I saw a man trying to run his wife down in his
car. I was going to stop to help but he looked like he had it under control" Family
Joke Number. 495
My grammar past away several years ago. God rest her soul. Family
Joke Number. 4954
"My dad had a go at me for putting a knife in the toaster as I might electrocute myself. I asked
him why he didn't mind my mum doing it. He said 'she's a woman if she's so independent she can
figure it out for herself or die trying.' He now has a sickipedia account." Family
Joke Number. 4955
"Portugal’s Nani out Of World Cup I’m sure the rest of Portugal’s Family are gutted, especially
the granddad" Family
Joke Number. 4956
It was mine and my wife's anniversary. After work I stopped off and got a bunch of flowers.
When I brought them home, she told me they looked like I found them in a bin. Jokes on her
though. I found them tied to a fence at the side of the road. Family
Joke Number. 4957
"Just finished my last test, and now I've got two weeks of blissful ignorance before I found out
how bad I've done. I mean, I can't be father to all of them." Family
Joke Number. 4958
I love it when the ice cream man comes out, so I can see all the hot and sweaty kids chasing after
him, getting their lolly's and licking away, I never did understand what granddad meant when he
said that. Family
Joke Number. 4959
My mother belongs to the Saudi Arabian school of photography. Every time she takes a picture
she cuts people's hands & feet off. Family
Joke Number. 4960
My wife says I never let her see her mother. I've now given permission for her to turn the picture
around once a week. Family
Joke Number. 4961
"I took the Family on a day trip to Alton Towers. As the kids kicked and screamed in the back of
the car, I remembered a tip my dad gave me. “If you don't stop that,” I said, “I'll turn this car
right round...” They paused for a moment, smiled, and started hitting each other. “Right, that's
it!” I shouted, spinning the car round. I couldn't help but think my dad's logic was flawed as we
arrived back at the theme park." Family
Joke Number. 4962
"What's a man's idea of a romantic evening out? A candlelit football stadium." Family
Joke Number. 4963
"We buried my mother-in-law today. As the coffin lowered into the ground I stepped forward
and said a little prayer. “Thank you God”." Family
Joke Number. 4964
"My daughter just won 'Miss Ginger 2010'! Needless to say she'll always be my 'Miss Take
1993'" Family
Joke Number. 4965
"My daughter loves going to Burger King But hates it when my 'Angry Whopper' comes out."
Family
Joke Number. 4966
"I don’t need a job, I have got money. It’s just tied up in my mum and dads house." Family
Joke Number. 4967
Had a go on my brother's bike earlier........ or Julie as he likes to call her Family
Joke Number. 4968
"Kids don't know they're born these days One Christmas when I was a lad my Mum got me a
carpet and told me I could keep it in the living room." Family
Joke Number. 4969
"I just got a call from my 8 year old son’s teacher. Apparently he has been charging girls 25
cents to touch his 'special area' the worst part was he was taking away my business." Family
Joke Number. 4970
Mother’s day, the most confusing day of the year for the male members of Norfolk. Family
Joke Number. 4971
"My wife left me because she said i just don't understand her.... To be honest I don’t know what
she's talking about." Family
Joke Number. 4972
"What does my grandma have in common with the newspaper? Both have been lying in the
driveway for about 3 days now." Family
Joke Number. 4973
The hardest part of my Nan's death, was pushing her. Family
Joke Number. 4974
"BBC News: Norfolk County Council to cut 1,000 jobs ought to make Family events a bit
awkward..." Family
Joke Number. 4975
"My daughter was born with an umbrella sticking out the top of her head. I'm worried about her
starting college, she's led a very sheltered life." Family
Joke Number. 4976
"My Dad has a tendency to overelaborate the facts. Ever since he single handedly repelled the
enemy forces during world war two." Family
Joke Number. 4977
"It's funny how the most simple things in life can tear a Family apart............ .....Like next door's
rabid Rottweiler" Family
Joke Number. 4978
"At first I thought your mum was like a bike, because everyone had had a ride; but then I
realized she was more like a bus, as you can fit more people in a bus." Family
Joke Number. 4979
"My wife said to me the other day, I would love to travel around the world I said look
sweetheart, hopes and Dreams are only satans way of distracting you from making dinner. Now
get back in the kitchen." Family
Joke Number. 4980
"BBC News: Man guilty of 40m jeweler’s raid. Men get blamed for everything these days."
Family
Joke Number. 4981
"My wife left me today, she said it was because I could never make up my mind. I didn’t know
what to say...." Family
Joke Number. 4982
I was raised by my father, my mother left before i was born... Family
Joke Number. 4983
"One thing my old Dad always said to me: Son, never explain yourself to anyone. He never did
tell me why." Family
Joke Number. 4984
"I said to my girlfriend’s Family the other day: You guys are so funny! You should be in a TV
programme! My girlfriends mum replied flattered: What, you mean like a comedy or a talk
show? I said back: Nah, fat families." Family
Joke Number. 4985
"My wife asked me to pop into town to get her mother a gift for mother's day. Apparently she
asked for something she can use in the bath. So I've bought her a toaster." Family
Joke Number. 4986
My mother died whilst giving birth to me. So I was breast fed by my grandma. It didn't affect me
though. Well, I like my milk past the sell by date now but that's all. Family
Joke Number. 4987
"My mother in law made a visit today. “So,” I said. “How long are you going to stay?” She said,
“As long as you want me to.” I said, “Oh, you're not even going to stay for coffee?”" Family
Joke Number. 498
"My wife tried to buy something online yesterday. ....Anyone knows how to get a credit card out
of a floppy drive?" Family
Joke Number. 4989
"I slipped my whole hand inside my sister's furry little hoop earlier. I had no idea you could
stretch a hair bobble that big." Family
Joke Number. 4990
I give my wife rights, she gets to choose which hand I hit her with. Family
Joke Number. 4991
"My grandma once told me friends come and go but your Family will always be there.... A week
later she died" Family
Joke Number. 4992
"Yesterday I told my wife that I will kill her in her sleep, burn down our house and I hate
Coronation Street. “How could you?”, she said. “Not really”, I told her, “I love Coronation
Street”." Family
Joke Number. 4993
It's a rare occasion when somebody moves to Norfolk. Most people there prefer to stay local and
marry their sisters. But don't worry I'm sure the people of Norfolk will make the Fritzl's feel
more than welcome. Family
Joke Number. 4994
"When I was younger, my dad used to show me pictures about why it's important to always wear
a condom, Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me." Family
Joke Number. 4995
"My Granddad told me one of his favourite jokes from back in the day.’three black men were on
fire........' I guess his humour was a little basic." Family
Joke Number. 4996
The worst two things about a mother-in-law are her faces. Family
Joke Number. 4997
My wife complains that I spend too much time with my daughter at 'bath time'. Especially now
that she has her exams to study for. Family
Joke Number. 4998
"My wife says I'm a pessimist and should stop being so negative all the time. God I have so
many flaws." Family
Joke Number. 4999
My wife's like a Toyota; when she starts, she never stops. Family
Joke Number. 5000
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Family
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