5000 Best Funny Jokes


5000 Best Funny Jokes: The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes

part 1

0001 - 0383 Jokes on : Advice

0384 - 0418 Jokes on: Acronym

0419 - 1681 Jokes on: Animals-Insects

1682 - 1721 Jokes on: Art

1722 - 1760 Jokes on: Beauty

1761 - 1959 Jokes on: Books

1960 - 1994 Jokes on: Calendar

1995 - 1999 Jokes on: Camping

2000 - 2110 Jokes on: Cannibals

2111 - 2405 Jokes on: Charity

2406 - 2583 Jokes on: Childish

2584 - 3312 Jokes on: Children

3313 - 3355 Jokes on: Circus

3356 - 3515 Jokes on: Communication

3516 - 3984 Jokes on: Computers & Technology

3985 - 4100 Jokes on: Definitions

4101 - 4135 Jokes on: Diets

4136 - 4288 Jokes on: Difference

4289 - 4312 Jokes on: Dinosaurs

4313 - 4353 Jokes on: Dreams

4354 - 4404 Jokes on: Embarrassment

4405 - 4451 Jokes on: Exercise

4452 - 5000 Jokes on: Family

Joke Number. 0001

I once had a lot of arguments and rants with my bank manager. But then I decided to consolidate

all my rants into one simple monthly outburst. Advice

Joke Number. 0002

"Here's a bit of Advice for you. Advi." Advice

Joke Number. 0003

Cheer yourself up at the next funeral you go to by hiding a tenner in your black suit today.

Advice

Joke Number. 0004

"Give a man a fire and you keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire and you keep him warm

for the rest of his life!" Advice

Joke Number. 0005

My father once told me, "Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it's

something your father told you." Advice

Joke Number. 0006

Taking the decision to bend over and tie your shoelaces on a moving escalator injects the added

thrill of a 'time limit'. Advice

Joke Number. 0007

"Lost your tree? Why not nail a picture of it to your dog?" Advice

Joke Number. 0008

"Dear Tabloid Agony Aunt, I keep seeking out Advice for serious issues from dangerously

under-qualified people. What do you suggest I do?" Advice

Joke Number. 0009

"There's a little-known but foolproof defense against sharks. Sharks will only attack you if you're

wet." Advice

Joke Number. 0010

Sickipedia's motto - If you can't beat them, copy them. Advice

Joke Number. 0011

Call of Duty Gamers. Temporarily blind and disorientate your opponent by unexpectedly ripping

open his bedroom curtains. Advice

Joke Number. 0012

COMMUTERS. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to

your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the run of shame for the bus

nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it. Advice

Joke Number. 0013

"My boyfriend says that I never solve my own problems. How do I prove him wrong?" Advice

Joke Number. 0014

"I asked my teacher for Advice when taking my math exam and he said that you should always

read through the paper first. That's the last time I listen to him. I was halfway through my

horoscope when I heard, “Okay, pencils down.”" Advice

Joke Number. 0015

Save money on a bigger TV by simply moving the couch closer to your existing one. Advice

Joke Number. 0016

Be the life of the party by murdering all the other guests. Advice

Joke Number. 0017

Don’t do anything you are not prepared to explain to a paramedic. Advice

Joke Number. 0018

"Tip for the day: 'Harder' is not a good choice of safe word." Advice

Joke Number. 0019

"My mum told me I should never talk to strangers. I said, “It's alright mum, I don't know any.”"

Advice

Joke Number. 0020

A contact lens, painted black, makes an ideal skullcap for a Jewish hamster. Advice

Joke Number. 0021

"There are two rules for success: 1. don’t tell all you know" Advice

Joke Number. 0022

"HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN... compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her,

stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine &

dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of

the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN... show up naked, bring beer." Advice

Joke Number. 0023

"Scientists have proven that cigarettes are harmful to the health of Children.

Fair enough, use an ashtray." Advice

Joke Number. 0024

"On a serious note, I am concerned with global warming and the effect it will have on our future,

especially after reading an Article about low water levels in reservoirs. Well, I drive past my

local reservoir every day, and each morning I empty a bucket of water from my tap while on my

way to work. If all of us did the same, these reservoirs would be full in no time." Advice

Joke Number. 0025

Anybody else think we'll be seeing the words "Database latency too high" on Friday? Advice

Joke Number. 0026

"Why do women like men who are smArt, goal orientated and have a sense of humor?

Because opposites attract." Advice

Joke Number. 0027

"I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing." Advice

Joke Number. 0028

When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smArt

enough to get out of jury duty. Advice

Joke Number. 0029

"You never realize what you've got till it's gone. Toilet paper being a good example." Advice

Joke Number. 0030

"I phoned the 'R--- helpline' yesterday. They suggested I buy a bal---ava." Advice

Joke Number. 0031

"Top Tip. London Borough Council. Putting a second 'No Ball games' sign 8 yards (7.32m) to

the left of the current one will save us having to use a jumper for a goalpost." Advice

Joke Number. 0032

"When I'm bored I like to play a game with my dear wife whilst she is hovering. I unplug it and

time how long it takes her to notice." Advice

Joke Number. 0033

"I just saw the advert for Compare the Market com saying that they are updating their server to

cope with more people online. Sickipedia! Take Note!! Simples......." Advice

Joke Number. 0034

"A man walks into a Bookshop and says, “can I have a book by Shakespeare?” “Of course, Sir,

which one?" "The man replies, " "William.”" Advice

Joke Number. 0035

"What's the best thing to come out of Coventry? The A45" Advice

Joke Number. 0036

"Half a coconut hung from a tree makes a nutritious food for your garden birds. It also helps to

keep other coconuts away from your house." Advice

Joke Number. 0037

"Just a little bit of Advice for any parents that are reading this. If your baby is having trouble

sleeping, don't put a drop of whisky in their milk bottle. It's far more effective if you put a drop

of milk in a whisky bottle. It works wonders, my son has been asleep for eight days straight

now." Advice

Joke Number. 0038

Christmas Party Tip: Asking for a kiss under the camel toe is NEVER acceptable. Advice

Joke Number. 0039

"Saw an advert for this new show called “Bulging Brides” in which soon to be brides had 2

months to fit in their dress. 2 Months! Just to fit into a dress? I could tell them where to get

ripped in just 4 weeks." Advice

Joke Number. 0040

"Top Tip: If a police officer pulls you over, do not tell him/her, “I find you very attractive...and

that's not just the booze talking!”" Advice

Joke Number. 0041

I've got a huge tip for people with lots of rubbish. Advice

Joke Number. 0042

The best place to hide a body is on Page 2 of Google's search results. Advice

Joke Number. 0043

Goths. Save money on black nail varnish by hitting your fingernails with a claw hammer. Advice

Joke Number. 0044

"Leprechauns hide their gold in electrical sockets... You can check at home. Just use forks to get

it out." Advice

Joke Number. 0045

"Whatever you do, don't drink the varnish. It'll be a sad end - but a beautiful finish." Advice

Joke Number. 0046

"Tip of the day: When a police officer says to you “Put your hands up.” Don't say, “For

Detroit.”" Advice

Joke Number. 0047

"After getting blown by my wife, I quoted from my favorite Children's film “Babe”: “That'll do,

pig, that'll do.”" Advice

Joke Number. 0048

"Woodstock; if you were really “There” you won't remember it. Apparently I was at

Woodstock." Advice

Joke Number. 0049

Fool shop keepers into thinking you're an armed robber by wearing a balaclava, pointing a gun to

their head, and asking them to empty the till. Advice

Joke Number. 0050

I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my Advice. Advice

Joke Number. 0051

"I went for a job interview. “Where would you like to see yourself in five years’ time?” he asked

me. I thought and said, “Suspended on full pay.”" Advice

Joke Number. 0052

If you see someone just randomly removing their iPod headphones on the bus or the Tube, you

can be pretty sure they're gauging how loud their fart is. Advice

Joke Number. 0053

"They always put ''For best before date: see side of pack'' on groceries. Why can't they just put

the date there?" Advice

Joke Number. 0054

"A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a

little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about

15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: “Why don`t you eat the peanuts

yourself?” “We can't chew them because we've no teeth”, she replied. “We just love the

chocolate around them.”" Advice

Joke Number. 0055

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. Advice

Joke Number. 0056

"My boss once told me, “Don't dress for the job you have, but for the job you want”. Which

makes you wonder why he fired me for coming in dressed as a Mexican wrestler" Advice

Joke Number. 0057

"The veteran actor and director turned to me and said, “You know what they say, you should

never work with Children or Animals.” “That's an old theatre saying, isn't it?” I replied. “No, it's

what the police told us when we did your CRB check.”" Advice

Joke Number. 0058

"Need overpriced, average clothes? There's a Gap for that." Advice

Joke Number. 0059

People shouldn't worry about the world ending. It's already tomorrow in Australia! Advice

Joke Number. 0060

"So I was getting into my car and this bloke said to me, “Can you give me a lift?” I said, “Sure...

You look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!”" Advice

Joke Number. 0061

I distinctly remember one time my parents talking to me down the phone and saying, if we throw

cash away at you now, you’ll never know the value of money. But I still think it would’ve been

nice for them to pay that ransom. Advice

Joke Number. 0062

"Top tip: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the

driver in front hit their brakes when they think they've been caught." Advice

Joke Number. 0063

When you write a joke you should always proof-read it carefully to make sure you haven't any

words out. Advice

Joke Number. 0064

"When getting into a fight in a pub, don't concern yourself with ungentlemanly fisticuffs. First

shout something innocuous at your opponent, to grab the pub's attention. Then calmly walk to

the door. There, turn around and in your loudest voice yell, “At least I'm not a pedophile.” The

seed planted into everyone's mind will do more long-term damage than any punch could ever

do." Advice

Joke Number. 0065

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Advice

Joke Number. 0066

"What's worse than a bull in a china shop? A hedgehog in a condom factory." Advice

Joke Number. 0067

I recently went to Birmingham with low expectations, and I left disappointed. Advice

Joke Number. 0068

"Top tip: When at the airport, if you get asked “Anything to declare?”, it's not the best response

to say “A Thumb War”. Still though, their prison isn't too bad." Advice

Joke Number. 0069

"What have a grave yard and a beach got in common? You will have a much better time if you

take a spade." Advice

Joke Number. 0070

Is it just me that reads a joke and looks at the score before laughing or not? Advice

Joke Number. 0071What do you do if your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure? Advice

Joke Number. 0072

If "fishing" means luring, hooking, catching, and potentially killing fish, shouldn't we investigate

whenever someone says, "I'm kidding"? Advice

Joke Number. 0073

Never moon a werewolf. Advice

Joke Number. 0074

"Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad."

Advice

Joke Number. 0075

"Never have a motto. That's my motto." Advice

Joke Number. 0076

Top tip: city councils save hundreds of pounds on signs warning of dangerous bends, simply tie a

bunch of flowers to a nearby tree Advice

Joke Number. 0077

If you want to write a letter, use a pen and paper. Advice

Joke Number. 0078

"In the news was a story that a boy died by walking in front of a moving train. The excuse is that

he was listening to his ipod loud. The Family have urged people not to listen to iPods while

outside “for your own safety”. Wouldn't it be more constructive if she told people to look before

crossing?" Advice

Joke Number. 0079

"Giva a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and his wife will divorce him."

Advice

Joke Number. 0080

"What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon." Advice

Joke Number. 0081

"I'm doing an environmental studies course and I need ideas on how to save trees. Answers on a

postcard please." Advice

Joke Number. 0082

Top Tip: Avoid tears when chopping onions by using carrots instead. Advice

Joke Number. 0083

BUS DRIVERS. If you see an attractive woman with a low cut top at the bus stop, accelerate and

come to a halt 50 feet past the stop. You will then have a great view in your nearside mirror as

she runs towards you. Finally, accidentally drop her change for a second look. Advice

Joke Number. 0084

If you ever have trouble opening a bottle of champagne, my Advice, hit it with a ship. I've seen

people do that, it works! Advice

Joke Number. 0085

I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my Advice. Advice

Joke Number. 0086

"'Don’t shoot the messenger.' Do postmen count? I'm going to need a quick answer on this."

Advice

Joke Number. 0087

"O.A.P drivers. The little number 5 on your gearstick refers to what is known as “Fifth Gear”.

This will allow you to reach speeds of over 25 mph." Advice

Joke Number. 0088

"If you leave a dog in a car on a hot day without water or ventilation, it could be dead in 15

minutes. However, I've discovered that if I put the heating on as well, I can get it down to about

five." Advice

Joke Number. 0089

Fool people into thinking you are an octopus by drinking several liters of ink and farting every

time someone startles you. Advice

Joke Number. 0090

Am I the only one getting annoyed with all these jokes that relate directly to Sickipedia that

become so popular? These jokes don't work in the real world. Try telling a joke about data

latency being too high after an awesome pedophile joke to all your friends at the pub. Your

friends will hate you and you'll be lonely and you'll kill yourself. Let's get back to the actual sick

jokes, people. Advice

Joke Number. 0091

"The best thing for baldness? Hair." Advice

Joke Number. 0092

WINDOW CLEANERS. When agreeing a price with Dr Who to clean the windows of the

Tardis, don't be conned into agreeing to do the insides for the same price. Advice

Joke Number. 0093

Never trust a plumber who wears wellies. Advice

Joke Number. 0094

"Land Line users: Save 1 a month on “caller display” by simply answering the phone and asking

who it is." Advice

Joke Number. 0095

National Sarcasm Society - Like we need your support... Advice

Joke Number. 0096

All I am saying is that I think the freezer deserves a light as well......... Advice

Joke Number. 0097

Never wear skinny jeans if you don't have skinny genes. Advice

Joke Number. 0098

Whoever said, ' Laughter is the best medicine. ‘Never had gonorrhea. Advice

Joke Number. 0099

"They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'm still not tempted to dig the wife up and it's

been 8 months." Advice

Joke Number. 0100

"My mates warned me against going home with an Afro-Caribbean hairdresser last night. Woke

up this morning and I've got braids." Advice

Joke Number. 0101

I am not useless; I can always serve as a bad example. Advice

Joke Number. 0102

"Attention ladies. If the recycle bin on your boyfriend's computer is always empty, he's up to no

good." Advice

Joke Number. 0103

Giraffes look down on people like you Advice

Joke Number. 0104

"Top Tip Joke Number. 87 Freezing worms makes them easier to sharpen." Advice

Joke Number. 0105

Manufacturers of Deluxe 'Once'. I think the word you're looking for is 'twice'. Advice

Joke Number. 0106

Top tip: Save money on expensive cremation costs by purposely dying in a house fire. Advice

Joke Number. 0107

You can't choose your Family ...but you can ignore their phone calls. Advice

Joke Number. 0108

"My mate recently became a black belt in judo. I said, “That's all very well but, really, how often

are you going to be attacked by a man in a dressing-gown?”" Advice

Joke Number. 0109

"I saw a scruffy looking young man sat on the street this morning behind a card that read: “Help

the Homeless” So I gave him the number of an estate agent I know." Advice

Joke Number. 0110

"Mosh pit. Well concealed Taser. Hours of endless entertainment." Advice

Joke Number. 0111

"My girlfriend just asked me how we were supposed to stop her dog from drinking the toilet

water when I keep leaving the seat up. I told her to put it down." Advice

Joke Number. 0112

Save money on expensive pet carriers. If you need to take your cat to the vets, simply tie its tail

to one of its back legs to make an excellent carry handle. Advice

Joke Number. 0113

“"Beware: Peanuts may cause small Children to choke” What kind of society do we live in

where murder tips are advertised on the back of peanut wrappers?!" Advice

Joke Number. 0114

"You know what they say, so I won’t tell you." Advice

Joke Number. 0115

"'Hope you're hungry' A kind gesture in Britain; A cruel taunt in Sudan." Advice

Joke Number. 0116

"Whispering can make almost anything sound creepier. Example: “I love little kids.”" Advice

Joke Number. 0117

"I work in a bar called Advice. I get really good tips." Advice

Joke Number. 0118

It was good Advice when someone told me I'd never meet the woman of my Dreams at a bar.

The women in my Dreams aren't old enough to get in. Advice

Joke Number. 0119

Here's a useful shopping tip - You can get a pair of shoes for 1 in the bowling alley. Advice

Joke Number. 0120

Trying to be funny is like trying to force a fart - it never turns out quite as you expect and you'll

likely have to leave the room. Advice

Joke Number. 0121

"Top tip: If you have a paranoid friend and they leave their mobile lying around, pick it up and

add little reminders like “I'm watching you” and “You're not alone” to random dates. Epic lots!"

Advice

Joke Number. 0122

Give a man a fish and you've fed him for a day. But teach a man to wear a fishnet stocking for a

mask and hold up a bank and you've taken care of him for life, one way or another. Advice

Joke Number. 0123

"Amuse yourself when filling in application forms. When it asks “Are you registered blind or

partially-sighted?” tick slightly outside the box that says “No”." Advice

Joke Number. 0124

UK GOVERNMENT. Reduce the amount of underage pregnancies in Britain by simply

lowering the age of consent. Advice

Joke Number. 0125

"The only thing more boring than watching paint dry... listening to paint dry." Advice

Joke Number. 0126

"Ladies, you can't be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn't work that way. You're already hard

to want." Advice

Joke Number. 0127

"Top Tip: Go down the pub so you don't feel guilty watching your wife do all the housework."

Advice

Joke Number. 0128

A day without sunshine is like, well, night. Advice

Joke Number. 0129

"Marriage tip: When your wife comments that eating a dessert after dinner will make her fat,

don't add the “term”. Trust me." Advice

Joke Number. 0130

"My old Dad always said, “Lift with your legs”. I find it easier to use my arms." Advice

Joke Number. 0131

"It is estimated that it has cost the British taxpayer 2.3 million to pay for the Pope's visit. They

obviously never heard of Ryan air, return tickets from Rome start at 48." Advice

Joke Number. 0132

Take my Advice: I don't use it anyway. Advice

Joke Number. 0133

Word of Advice for those people who make jokes about Walkers crisp bags having very few

crisps in them. Don't bother buying a Ryan air sick bag - they turn out to be even more

disappointing. Advice

Joke Number. 0134

Marathon runners cover over 26 miles in two hours, train for years and when they finish cannot

breath and are bent double with pain. I, on the other hand, can spend the 2 hours in the pub

drinking and smoking, yet walk out as right as rain. Therefore running is obviously bad for you.

Advice

Joke Number. 0135

If I had a pound for every time I lost a pound, I would be no better off. Advice

Joke Number. 0136

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a

name tag, you've made a serious vocational error. Advice

Joke Number. 0137

"Top Tip: Tired of cramped conditions on air flights? To get a whole row to yourself, simply

stare at your shoes and say, “Come on!”" Advice

Joke Number. 0138

If alcohol isn't the answer, then obviously the wrong question is being asked. Advice

Joke Number. 0139

GET the N-DUBZ experience by smashing yourself in the ear with a hammer. Advice

Joke Number. 0140

"They need to open a nightclub called “The Office” So men don't need to lie to their girl where

they are anymore." Advice

Joke Number. 0141

"Don't drink and drive... Do all you’re drinking before you drive!" Advice

Joke Number. 0142

"My mate gave me some really good Advice on how to pick up women today. “You have to flip

her over so she's face down, then you put your arm under her stomach and lift,” he said." Advice

Joke Number. 0143

Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but

that doesn't really narrow it down much. Advice

Joke Number. 0144

"TOP TIP Impress your mates and save yourself extortionate contract fees... ... just add the

sentence, 'Sent from my iPhone' to all your emails and texts." Advice

Joke Number. 0145

Vicars - Bowling hedgehogs in the church grounds is an ideal way to clear confetti after a

wedding. Advice

Joke Number. 0146

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem. Advice

Joke Number. 0147

My dad always said ' be good and if you can't be good, be careful'. Wise words from the man

who knocked up a fat minger. Advice

Joke Number. 0148

A tip for Midgets: Appear taller by snacking on fun-size Mars bars and speaking very quietly,

thus giving the impression that you are merely a long way away. Advice

Joke Number. 0149

Top tip: add thousands to the value of your house by making wallpaper out of twenty quid notes.

Advice

Joke Number. 0150

"Men; would you like to last longer in bed? Then get your wife to bring breakfast to you."

Advice

Joke Number. 0151

"I need help committing suicide. Does anyone have some experience?" Advice

Joke Number. 0152

"I'm in a long distance relationship and I find it great. Wife in the kitchen and me at the pub."

Advice

Joke Number. 0153

"I've been trying to teach my son the importance of honesty. Today when I came home I

discovered that he had found my nail gun and destroyed my entire vinyl collection. I went up to

his room and asked him if he knew who did it. “It was me, dad.” He replied. “Good son, and do

you know why I'm not going to punish you?” “Because I'm still holding your nail gun.”" Advice

Joke Number. 0154

"Wii Fit, Number 1 way to let your girlfriend know she's FAT!" Advice

Joke Number. 0155

"Tip of the day: Don't bother trying to get a taxi during a mosque service, you're only wasting

your time." Advice

Joke Number. 0156

"Headline in the sun 'NIGHT STALKER ATTACKED ME WHEN I WAS IN LABOUR'

Advice to all women out there vote conservative" Advice

Joke Number. 0157

When in ASDA buying grapes, take one grape to the "serve yourself" till. When it is weighed it

won't register on the scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure a hundred times or

so, and hey, presto! You have yourself a free bunch of grapes. Advice

Joke Number. 0158

Old people. Attach a sweeping brush to the front of your mobility trolley. Now, instead of being

a menace on the pavements, you can provide a valuable service to your community. Advice

Joke Number. 0159

Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a

conversation Advice

Joke Number. 0160

Hospitals. Increase the revenue from on-site car parking by selling off the cars left by dead

patients. Advice

Joke Number. 0161

Fool your friends into thinking you always have flash lemon in your toilet by not flushing urine

away. Advice

Joke Number. 0162

"Unemployed People. A blank post-it note stuck on the fridge door will be a useful reminder that

you have nothing to do today." Advice

Joke Number. 0163

There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman sentenced to beheading by guillotine.

This Englishman was brought out first and as the blade fell towards his neck it got stuck.

Tradition was that if this happened then they had to let him free so the Englishman was saved.

Next they brought the Scotsman out and as the blade fell towards his neck the same thing

happened so they had to let him free as well. As the Irishman is being brought he is kicking and

screaming and making a terrible fuss. One of that guards says to him "What's the matter with

you." The Irishman replies, "I'm not going near that thing until you get it fixed!" Advice

Joke Number. 0164

"Tip to all Africans: If you want to buy a cheap plastic product buy a condom. It will stop Aids

and also stop our ears bleeding." Advice

Joke Number. 0165

"What's the definition of gross? Dreaming you're eating cottage cheese and waking up with your

grandmother sitting on your face." Advice

Joke Number. 0166

Contact lens wearers.... Keep your eyes snug and warm this winter by adding a few drops of chili

sauce to your cleaning solution. Advice

Joke Number. 0167

Can anyone give me a rough idea how much I would have to pay for a ball park? Advice

Joke Number. 0168

"My mate reckons he could eat a whole blanket, personally I think he's full of sheet." Advice

Joke Number. 0169

"Don't just wait for your grandparents to die so you can claim their inheritance. Earn it! Visit

them. Make conversation. Put a smile on their faces. Leave a window open." Advice

Joke Number. 0170

"I don't think I was listening when my mam told me how to use a cotton bud properly. It went in

one ear and out the other." Advice

Joke Number. 0171

I've come up with a great way to come up with money. Find yourself a blonde girl and say "I bet

you 10 that I can sing a song with anybody's name in it, you can choose the name". At which

point she'll agree and choose a name. You'll then sing "Happy Birthday" with whichever name

she's chosen, you can do this as many times as you want. Advice

Joke Number. 0172

Advice to poor People/Council House tenants -disguise the fact that your property needs

expensive external cladding work by covering the whole of your house with St George's Flags

Advice

Joke Number. 0173

Roadside accidents; a great place to pick up that last-minute anniversary gift. Advice

Joke Number. 0174

After failing university, I had no money and no job. My father advised "there's money in

Computers!" turns out there wasn’t. Also i need to replace two of his Computers. Advice

Joke Number. 0175

"Mum: Be careful me: Thank God, before you said that i was just going to be recklessly

dangerous." Advice

Joke Number. 0176

Women: save money on anti-ageing products by dying young. Advice

Joke Number. 0177

To survive in water, you don't have to be good at swimming, you just have to be bad at

drowning. Advice

Joke Number. 0178

Tip of the day: Never high-five a Muppet whilst wearing a Velcro glove. Advice

Joke Number. 0179

"Join the US Army. You will get 20 bucks for every kill in combat. Or 50 bucks for killing an

enemy." Advice

Joke Number. 0180

Bus drivers, make your own under-budget version of Takeshi's castle by moving the disabled

seats upstairs. Advice

Joke Number. 0181

Convince others you are full of great ideas by sell taping a light bulb to the top of your head

Advice

Joke Number. 0182

A neighbor’s car aerial, when carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Advice

Joke Number. 0183

The irony of you telling me to "get a life" is that I'll probably take yours... Advice

Joke Number. 0184

Inflatable sheep... For people so ugly, they can't pull an inflatable doll. Advice

Joke Number. 0185

"Tip: When your pupil's parent asks you why you wanted to be a teacher don't reply “I'm a

pedophile”" Advice

Joke Number. 0186

We all enter the world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your

life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop right there. Advice

Joke Number. 0187

"Women. Avoid parking discrepancies by aiming to park all wonky. There is a good chance you

will end up perfectly straight and within the lines. You're welcome." Advice

Joke Number. 0188

"How to write a successful joke: For a joke to be successful, one must consider the various

discourses of humour, especially pertaining to the various genres of comedy that exist. One must

also consider the various synonyms of the vocabulary used in the joke and the intended meaning

of the word (versus the normal usage of the word in a non-joke context). We use Hilling's

formula to calculate the efficacy of the word play (C = 1/x * R(4e)). We must then take into

account the use of current affairs, using Smith's algorithm (1>2>3>4>X<4<3<2<1). Finally, it is

essential that we consider the intended target. Failing that, just write something about black

people being lazy." Advice

Joke Number. 0189

Why spend three quid on a packet of bog roll when you can get a copy of The Sun for 25p?

Advice

Joke Number. 0190

Whenever a child asks me why God let so many people die in a disaster, I tell them it’s because

they distracted him by praying for a puppy. Advice

Joke Number. 0191

Never get on one knee for a girl that won’t get on two for you. Advice

Joke Number. 0192

"LEA & PERRINS- Save on printing costs of bottle labels by moving your Worcestershire sauce

factory to Kent." Advice

Joke Number. 0193

"What do you call a fish with four eyes? Fish." Advice

Joke Number. 0194

"A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks, “How much would it be to ask you three

questions?” The attorney answered, “$500.” “Holy cow!” the man replied, “That's a bit steep,

isn't it?” “No.” said the attorney. “What's your third question?”" Advice

Joke Number. 0195

When reading a book, always underline the bits you don't understand. That way, if you ever lend

it to someone, they'll think you're really clever. Advice

Joke Number. 0196

Gin, an excellent medicine for being sober Advice

Joke Number. 0197

Some say your Children teach the most important lessons. Mine taught me to use a condom in

future Advice

Joke Number. 0198

"I don't think 'Smoking Kills' should be exclusive to cigarette packets. I've yet to see a kipper

survive it either." Advice

Joke Number. 0199

Statistics are like a lamppost to a drunken man. More for leaning on than illumination. Advice

Joke Number. 0200

Keep Britain Tidy, eat a pigeon. Advice

Joke Number. 0201

"TOP TIP FOR DWARFS make sure you never have enough money to buy things. It will amuse

us when you tell them this at the till." Advice

Joke Number. 0202

Make shopping in Curry's more fun by changing the channel on the TVs to Sky Channel 912.

Advice

Joke Number. 0203

I have always considered it bad practice to begin and end your sentences with I. Advice

Joke Number. 0204

"INVESTMENT TIP If you purchased 1,000 of Bradford & Bingley ordinary stock two years

ago, you would have 0 left today; If you purchased 1,000 of HBOS, ordinary stock two years

ago, you would have 87 left today; If you purchased 1,000 of Northern Rock ordinary stock two

years ago, you would have 0 left today; If you purchased 1,000 of Merrill Lynch ordinary stock

two years ago, you would have 0 left today; If you purchased 1,000 of Royal Bank of Scotland,

ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 76 left today; If you purchased 1,000 worth of

canned beer two years ago, drank all the beer and sold the aluminum cans for recycling, you

would have 188 left today; Based on this example, my investment tip is: (i) Avoid bank shares

(ii) Drink canned beer heavily and (iii) Sell the cans for recycling" Advice

Joke Number. 0205

"Tried to impress my wife this morning by putting all the plates in the dishwasher before she

came home. Apparently, we don't have a dishwasher. Another washing machine ruined..."

Advice

Joke Number. 0206

"Teenage boys. The waistband of your boxer shorts makes an ideal hiding place to conceal any

unwanted hard-ons." Advice

Joke Number. 0207

Pedophiles: Make your naughty activities less obvious to vigilant mothers by not dressing up as a

train spotter. Advice

Joke Number. 0208

"Taxi Drivers: Remove the bulbs from your indicators in case you momentarily forget what you

do for a living and inadvertently signal." Advice

Joke Number. 0209

"My Dad's suggestion to fight fire with fire turned out to be very bad Advice indeed. I guess I

should have learnt not to trust him after the incident where I used paper to defend myself from

rocks." Advice

Joke Number. 0210

DOG LOVERS. Reduce your chances of going blind by only buying black or brown Labradors.

Advice

Joke Number. 0211

"I have broken my leg 3 times in the same place now. I should probably stay away from there in

future." Advice

Joke Number. 0212

"Top Tip for London tourists: Save money on the London planetarium by simply going out at

night and looking up." Advice

Joke Number. 0213

Fool people into thinking you are going to make a funny joke, then don't. Advice

Joke Number. 0214

“"Keep your trap shut!” my dad always said. I resent him for that. So does my greyhound."

Advice

Joke Number. 0215

"Help stop copyright theft. Wear your jam rag t-shirt inside out." Advice

Joke Number. 0216

"Top Tip: Doing radiotherapy? Tell the doctor to give you twice the normal dose so it doubles

your chances of becoming a superhero." Advice

Joke Number. 0217

Muslim leaders: in between the call to prayer at the mosque why not shout out the latest savings

at ASDA? Advice

Joke Number. 0218

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house

until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas. Advice

Joke Number. 0219

Would-be criminals. Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look

like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye. Advice

Joke Number. 0220

"Extremists Do you want to blow yourself up for a good cause and get hundreds of virgins?

I suggest Comic Con" Advice

Joke Number. 0221

"Helpful hint Joke Number. 1 When arranging to meet a girl from the internet, who “spreads 'em easily”....

Make sure she doesn't mean diseases." Advice

Joke Number. 0222

There are certain mistakes in life that you only make once. Like visiting the loo straight after

your wife to find red toilet water and the stench of rotting fish guts. Advice

Joke Number. 0223

"When someone sees you crying, and asks: “Are you sad?” Punch them in the face, and ask:

“Are you okay?”" Advice

Joke Number. 0224

When life gives you oil spills, make Molotov’s. Advice

Joke Number. 0225

I've learnt the awkward way, if your girlfriend's mother asks "Would you do me a favour?" -

ALWAYS wait until she has said "a favour" before eagerly nodding and saying yes. Advice

Joke Number. 0226

Looking through husbands CD collection: John Lennon, Michael Hutchinson, and Kurt Cobain.

All died violent deaths. Hope he buys new Coldplay CD. Advice

Joke Number. 0227

Never put your finger where you wouldn't put your nose. Advice

Joke Number. 0228

I always wanted to be a rock star when I was a young child....I got the excessive drinking right,

but unfortunately forgot about the main things, learning an instrument and writing songs. Advice

Joke Number. 0229

"Top tip; never attempt to operate a chainsaw whilst fairly drunk. There's a good chance you'll

end up legless." Advice

Joke Number. 0230

"Never milk a joke. Unless it's a cow joke." Advice

Joke Number. 0231

"I love to read those Advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, “What’s

the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?” “Morning Sickness.”"

Advice

Joke Number. 0232

"My Dad would always give me good Advice. Like, “scream and I'll kill your sister.”" Advice

Joke Number. 0233

Top Tip: if you can hear the police banging on your door to complain about the noise then it

clearly isn't loud enough.... Advice

Joke Number. 0234

Uh.. If you have a good joke, wait till the site is running normally so we can actually vote it up?

Don't waste it you gimps. Advice

Joke Number. 0235

"If there's one thing I’ve learnt in life... It's keep the Hemorrhoid cream and the Deep Heat rub

well apart in the bathroom cabinet." Advice

Joke Number. 0236

Man Utd fans. Clear your club's 80 Million losses by simply setting up a stall where you can be

punched for 1 pound. Advice

Joke Number. 0237

Benefits: Making natural selection obsolete since 1992. Advice

Joke Number. 0238

"If something’s worth having... It's not on eBay." Advice

Joke Number. 0239

"I clean my house with Clearasil. The place is always spotless." Advice

Joke Number. 0240

One good turn will get you...................most of the blankets Advice

Joke Number. 0241

Drivers: When you see those 'accident black spot' signs you should speed up. You don't want to

hang about in dangerous places. Advice

Joke Number. 0242

Best way of avoiding being clamped? Buy four clamps and put one on each wheel. Advice

Joke Number. 0243

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still

didn't hear what they said? Advice

Joke Number. 0244

"I heard, that in a survival situation if there is no water available, you can drink your own urine.

So I always take a two liter bottle of it wherever I go just in case." Advice

Joke Number. 0245

Next time someone says "You owe me big time", arrange for DHL to send them a 5 foot clock to

their house. That should shut them up. Advice

Joke Number. 0246

Fool guests into thinking all your picture frames are digital by changing the picture yourself

every 15 seconds. Advice

Joke Number. 0247

"Whenever you're shot in the chest, lie on the side you were hit. That way only one lung will fill

with blood." Advice

Joke Number. 0248

Commuters, make the bus come quicker by standing by the corner looking for it coming down

the road, then running back to the bus stop. Advice

Joke Number. 0249

Top tip: Africans, lessen your hardship by living somewhere where things will actually grow,

and preferably not 20 miles from the nearest water. Advice

Joke Number. 0250

"I was getting money out of the ATM earlier and it asked me if I wanted an 'Advice slip' with my

cash, so I hit yes.... Out came a note saying 'stop using the benefit system to fund your crack

habit'" Advice

Joke Number. 0251

"Why do we have to wear seatbelts on planes? Has there ever been a time when an air crash

investigator has viewed a plane crash scene and said, if only they were wearing seatbelts."

Advice

Joke Number. 0252

End of the world in 2012? Just immigrate to Romania. They are 100 years behind.... Advice

Joke Number. 0253

Please note: adding several exclamation marks to the end of your "joke" does NOT actually

make it funny. Advice

Joke Number. 0254

"Men. Avoid wasting time drying your hands under the drier in pub toilets by simply calling

your wife fat and holding your wet hands in front of her mouth." Advice

Joke Number. 0255

Have a hot neighbor? Buy a trampoline, looks like innocent fun. Advice

Joke Number. 0256

Fool burglars in to thinking you are home simply by leaving your door unlocked. Advice

Joke Number. 0257

I always leave everything to the last possible minute, then it only takes a minute Advice

Joke Number. 0258

"I don’t get most of the jokes on here recently and you English can’t even spell properly it’s

remotely you idiots. America.-------------------------- Please a) take note of the following

grammatical and structural corrections: “I DON'T get most of the jokes THAT HAVE BEEN

POSTED on here recently and you English CAN'T even spell properly: IT'S 'REMOTELY' you

idiots.” b) note the definition of irony before you bother posting again. England" Advice

Joke Number. 0259

Guys, fool your mates into thinking you have a girlfriend by moving the toilet roll to under your

bed, instead of leaving it at your computer desk. Advice

Joke Number. 0260

Currants impaled on toothpicks, displayed in your window, serve as a warning to would-be

house flies. Advice

Joke Number. 0261

"How do u get a whole lamb in the freezer? Take your wife out first" Advice

Joke Number. 0262

"BBC News: Texas death row killer forgiven by victim. Yeah? Who told him? Whoopee

Goldberg??" Advice

Joke Number. 0263

"Top Tip: In an argument. Before opening a can of worms, make sure it’s not spaghetti. That

way you’ll save yourself looking ridiculous in a tense situation." Advice

Joke Number. 0264

"Tip: Don't tell the people in your office your Sickipedia username. I did and now this black guy

who sits opposite me is giving me right evils." Advice

Joke Number. 0265

"'...The next time the Postal workers go on strike, here's a simple solution to get them back to

work: Pay their salary, but send the cheque by mail...SORTED!'" Advice

Joke Number. 0266

"For people who suffer from a sweaty face in the hot season... You can spray regular deodorant

on your face to help reduce the problem. Just make sure you keep your eyes open so you can see

where you are spraying it." Advice

Joke Number. 0267

Excuse me if I sound rude, but if your greatest achievement in the world of work has been

getting a job as a careers advisor, then the very last thing I would ever want from you is Advice

on my career. Advice

Joke Number. 0268

"My mates say I'm too submissive. They're probably right." Advice

Joke Number. 0269

"I believe you should always try things once. Which is why I’m addicted to Crystal Meth"

Advice

Joke Number. 0270

"My old man always told me to fight my corner. That was good Advice, but my boxing career

was short lived." Advice

Joke Number. 0271

"Good idea: giving your newborn baby a bath bad idea: having your newborn baby dry-cleaned"

Advice

Joke Number. 0272

"My Principle of life: If a girl throws a stone at you, throw a flower back, BUT MAKE SURE

the flower is still in the pot" Advice

Joke Number. 0273

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts Advice

Joke Number. 0274

"If you put a frog into a pan tepid water and slowly heat it up, the frog will boil to death. But if

you put a frog into already boiling water it will jump out. Moral of the story? Put a lid on the

pan." Advice

Joke Number. 0275

If at first you do succeed, try not to look too surprised. Advice

Joke Number. 0276

"Fed up of ironing? Try using anti-wrinkle cream instead of fabric softener." Advice

Joke Number. 0277

If you are unlucky enough to accidentally trip over in the street, keep repeating the process to

make it look like it is what you usually do Advice

Joke Number. 0278

"How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper." Advice

Joke Number. 0279

"What's the point of Advice slips at cashpoints? All they say is “You haven't got any money.”

Advice would be for them to say “Look, mate, I know you're skin, but my brother has just won a

few bob on the dArts; I expect he'd lend you some money till pay day if you give him a bell.”"

Advice

Joke Number. 0280

"Muller Yoghurt eaters: Save a fortune by buying your yoghurts ready mixed." Advice

Joke Number. 0281

"Girls. Save money on sanitary towels. Buy cheap ones then drink a can of Red Bull." Advice

Joke Number. 0282

"What's the quickest way to look slim and fit? Befriend fat people." Advice

Joke Number. 0283

"I once knew a guy that couldn't stand up. We called him Neil." Advice

Joke Number. 0284

Don't you just hate when there is a clown at your bed at 3am because you didn't send on a chain

message Advice

Joke Number. 0285

Are you illiterate? Write to me for help. Advice

Joke Number. 0286

Time is never wasted if you're wasted all the time. Advice

Joke Number. 0287

"I'll always remember the last words my father said before he accidently shot himself. “Safety

first, Safe...”" Advice

Joke Number. 0288

If someone throws a rock at you, your defense shouldn't be a sheet of paper. Advice

Joke Number. 0289

When people say I care too much about what other people think, I reply tearfully "Do you really

think that?" Advice

Joke Number. 0290

"Let’s face it... Maybe you won't get ripped in 3 weeks. However, you might grow a beard,

change race and facial shape, so the ad is worth a look." Advice

Joke Number. 0291

Before you accuse your boyfriend of cheating on you remember that empty lollipop wrappers

look like condom wrappers. Advice

Joke Number. 0292

"I asked a wise old man what the secret was to 'eternal life'. He said “Don't die”" Advice

Joke Number. 0293

The RAF. Test trainee pilots' reaction times by getting them to try to put exactly 10 worth of

petrol in their car. Advice

Joke Number. 0294

Journalists for local TV stations. Fool viewers into thinking you have been sent abroad by

waiting a few seconds before answering questions the presenter asks you Advice

Joke Number. 0295

"Here's a piece of Advice for you. If you're sitting there in your house with 300 worth of

marijuana, and the police are knocking at the door, there is one thing you should definitely not

do... Try to burn the evidence." Advice

Joke Number. 0296

"BBC News: Taking showers 'can make you ill' Hitler - 70 years before his time." Advice

Joke Number. 0297

A Post-it Note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers. Advice

Joke Number. 0298

"I've finally realized why Americans kill every joke on here. Because they've killed everything

else." Advice

Joke Number. 0299

Pretend you are going on a fabulous holiday to Barbados by going to Heathrow and sleeping on

the floor. Advice

Joke Number. 0300

"Can't get approval for a savings account? Simply move in with a Tourette's sufferer, introduce a

swear box and watch your investment grow." Advice

Joke Number. 0301

"While the optimist's gas tank is half full, and the pessimist's half empty,... they'll both run out of

gas at the exact same spot." Advice

Joke Number. 0302

Go into your local Charity shop, share a story, shed a tear and then see the look on their face

when you tell them you're not really the secret millionaire. Advice

Joke Number. 0303

"Breakthrough tooth whitening treatment that doesn't cost the earth. Paint your face black."

Advice

Joke Number. 0304"

Top Tip for alcoholics. Drink as much as you like on long haul flights and don't worry about

being over the limit when you drive home from the airport - the time Difference will have taken

care of that." Advice

Joke Number. 0305

I was once told to live everyday as if it were my last, but getting depressed, curling up in bed and

waiting to die just really doesn't appeal to me. Advice

Joke Number. 0306

"I've had vinyl flooring laid throughout the house. It has a warmth that CD flooring can't match."

Advice

Joke Number. 0307

"I was standing at the bus stop with my mate and with this old lady last night waiting for the bus

to arrive. Suddenly, the old dear caught the hiccups. She tried her best to ignore it, but i could see

it in her eyes that she found them annoying and quite painful for her age. My mate remembered

some Advice about how to cure hiccups and told me “gently tap her on the back, a little jump

might cure them.” Thinking a brief tap might not do the trick, i pushed her onto the road as the

bus came. That stopped her hiccups." Advice

Joke Number. 0308

"I got an Advice slip from the cash machine today, It read 'Don't re-heat chicken once it's

cooked'" Advice

Joke Number. 0309

WIG WEARERS. Don't waste money on new wigs. Simply turn your old ones round for the 'boy

band' look Advice

Joke Number. 0310

Morning glory just isn't the same without a smile on the end of it... so make yourself useful

mum. Advice

Joke Number. 0311

Pubs. Save money on hand driers by just hanging up a pair of jeans. Advice

Joke Number. 0312

"How do you know when you've had too much? When you run out." Advice

Joke Number. 0313

Women: Save money on mascara, eyeliner, and other expensive eye make-up by simply

forgetting to put Mayonnaise in my sandwich. Advice

Joke Number. 0314

Special occasion today so you know what that means, CLEAN BOXERS! Advice

Joke Number. 0315

"To all those failing businesses out there who say, “I can't afford to advertise because I've not got

enough work in.”- That's like saying, “I can't afford to get this terminal brain tumor removed

because I'm saving up for a holiday in 3 years.”" Advice

Joke Number. 0316

"What do you call a man with no arms or legs? A cab, so he can get home." Advice

Joke Number. 0317

"I just realized flammable and inflammable mean the same thing. That's interesting." Advice

Joke Number. 0318

Scouters, Get your day off to a cracking start by adding a couple of shots of active to your vodka

Advice

Joke Number. 0319

There's a very easy way to avoid body odor. Don't get the tube. Advice

Joke Number. 0320

Sharing is caring. Unless you have aids. Advice

Joke Number. 0321

Walkers. Sell more crisps in Arabic countries by introducing a new Sultan Sheikh range. Advice

Joke Number. 0322

"What do you call a fat chick with a great personality..? A barrel of laughs." Advice

Joke Number. 0323

When everyone is against you, it means you are absolutely wrong - or absolutely right. Advice

Joke Number. 0324

Fill your tires with water instead of air so if you get a puncture you can trace back to the hazard

and warn other motorists. Advice

Joke Number. 0325

"Best piece of Advice I've ever been given for delivering talks? Visualize your audience naked.

It certainly helped with the half-time team talk for the Under 10s football team I coach." Advice

Joke Number. 0326

Yes frank I know there’s a darker side to drugs it’s called the dealers! Advice

Joke Number. 0327

Claustrophobics need to get out more.... Advice

Joke Number. 0328

Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot. Advice

Joke Number. 0329

Scare hotel staff by riding a tricycle through the corridors and talking backwards to your finger.

Advice

Joke Number. 0330

The heel of a gentlemen’s' shoe makes an ideal door for a mouse hole. Advice

Joke Number. 0331

"Take my Advice........ Don't listen to strangers." Advice

Joke Number. 0332

Someone at work told me I was stupid for not getting out of my seat before putting on my jacket,

and I thought "I'm not going to stand for that" Advice

Joke Number. 0333

The good thing about having a ginger kid is you don't have to beat him up yourself. Advice

Joke Number. 0334

"BBC News: Pressure mounts to phase out IE6 I never liked that postcode anyway." Advice

Joke Number. 0335

"I gave my son some valuable Advice today. I told him “Put your money where your mouth is.”

Little spastic choked to death on a tenner." Advice

Joke Number. 0336

"My father always said to me, 'if you build it, they will come'. That's why I now own my own

strip club." Advice

Joke Number. 0337

"There are two types of people in the world: 1) those who can deduce complete facts from

incomplete data" Advice

Joke Number. 0338

I remember when I was younger, I was confused about girls so I approached my dad and I said to

him "Dad, how should I treat women?" My dad's answer has enlightened the rest of my life. "To

their face or behind their back?" Thanks, dad. Advice

Joke Number. 0339

A spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd

stayed single. Advice

Joke Number. 0340

By grabbing hold of a Charity letter and twisting it sideways, it is possible to remove the free pen

without opening it and subjecting yourself to all that guilt. Advice

Joke Number. 0341

A wise woman once said, only joking there are no wise women. Advice

Joke Number. 0342

Lesson in Life: Hold Your Head High, But Your Middle Finger Higher. Advice

Joke Number. 0343

"So the wife left me today.. I guess replying “ just go out without your makeup on” when she

asked what was the cheapest way for her to dress up as a zombie for Halloween wasn't such a

great idea" Advice

Joke Number. 0344

"I forgot to clean my teeth this morning. My boss told me to eat a packet of mince, but it just

made things worse." Advice

Joke Number. 0345

If I lived every day like it was my last, I'd probably spend the rest of my life depressed that I was

going to die the following day. Advice

Joke Number. 0346

"My wife phoned me at work today. “On your way home, can you call at the shop and get me

some Tamp ax?” “I take it it's started again then.” I sighed. I hate having to put up with her

nosebleeds." Advice

Joke Number. 0347

"Wife asked me for a cup of tea earlier.. I poured her out a cup of boiling water. She said “How

about a teabag love” So i gave her one." Advice

Joke Number. 0348

"I like to watch what I eat. Then eat it." Advice

Joke Number. 0349

When giving blood always remember to say "When" Advice

Joke Number. 0350

Parents. Avoid scarring your Children when watching violent movies by blindfolding them and

locking them in a cupboard. Advice

Joke Number. 0351

Don’t discard your old Banana skins, they make ideal sun hats for starfish. Advice

Joke Number. 0352

"I couldn't quite see what the sign said, so I stood up. It said “Keep your head down”." Advice

Joke Number. 0353

Steal from pessimists, they'll never bother with the police. Advice

Joke Number. 0354

Before you let a motivational poster motivate you, ask yourself, "If it's so good, why are these

people making posters instead of climbing mountains?" Advice

Joke Number. 0355

"Practical Joke: When you're at work and bored out of your mind, try this: Write a note to your

boss saying that a Miss Hughes phoned and needs them to ring her back ASAP. Then scroll the

number for either the local Dolcis, Barratts or Clarks down and watch their face when they look

like a tool ringing the number." Advice

Joke Number. 0356

I'll always remember the day my teacher asked me 'Didn't your Mother teach you not to play

with fire?' No, I replied, never really knew my Mother, she was killed in a chip pan fire in 1994.

Advice

Joke Number. 0357

Avoid wear and tear on your Children’s teeth by instead of giving those boiled sweets, give them

frozen Brussels sprouts to suck..... Advice

Joke Number. 0358

I beat the Credit crunch by using cash. Advice

Joke Number. 0359

When shopping for my wife, should I go through a pimp or use Russian mail order? Advice

Joke Number. 0360

"TOP TIP Save 40 pence per week by just giving 60p to a big issue vendor instead of buying the

magazine." Advice

Joke Number. 0361

Policemen: Fool everyone into thinking you're not a racist by badly dancing a calypso at the

Nothing Hill carnival, whilst grinning inanely. Advice

Joke Number. 0362

"The New Audi R8 Spider... because your bald patch isn’t quite getting the attention it deserves"

Advice

Joke Number. 0363

"I just watched an advert which said “no one knows P&O cruises like Thomas Cook” I don't

want to be pedantic but surely P&O know better!" Advice

Joke Number. 0364

"Leave yourself a note beside your toothpaste for when you are drunk. “Not astronaut food”."

Advice

Joke Number. 0365

If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it. Advice

Joke Number. 0366

"Never get into a fight with someone who has a large tattoo on their neck. Do they look the kind

of person who has anything to lose?" Advice

Joke Number. 0367

"What's more fun than a Fun Size candy bar? A regular sized candy bar." Advice

Joke Number. 0368

Replace your front door with a backless wardrobe filled with large coats this winter to recreate

the magic of Narnia every time you leave your house. Advice

Joke Number. 0369

"If your mother-in-law dies just remember - the gathering that takes place after the burial is

called 'the wake.' Not 'the after party.'" Advice

Joke Number. 0370

Whenever you feel down just do what i do, scratch a scratch card near a homeless guy and then

go nuts shouting you've won ten grand, once you see the look on their face you'll instantly feel

good again. Advice

Joke Number. 0371

My friends recommended to me that I join Apathetic Anonymous to remedy my depression, but

I'm just not bothered. Advice

Joke Number. 0372

"Use only as directed." Really? I'm taking pills, not performing on Broadway. Advice

Joke Number. 0373

Some people say love makes the world go round, others say its money, I say it's the suns

gravitational attraction. Advice

Joke Number. 0374

"Putting petrol into a diesel car is like pouring Gin into a woman. You're guaranteed at some

point in the night, she's going to breakdown." Advice

Joke Number. 0375

"Just heard that announcement in the airport not to leave your luggage with anyone you don't

trust. bit late now I left my luggage with the McCann’s an hour ago and have not seen it since"

Advice

Joke Number. 0376

Sometimes it's very hard to handle my schizophrenia all alone.. WHO SAID THAT Advice

Joke Number. 0377

"Have you ever felt like you've had a sudden loss of hearing? Repeating the same thing over &

over again and getting nowhere? Does your temper escalate furiously? Then you've dialed 118

118." Advice

Joke Number. 0378

"Tip for staying safe in the underground: All the safety videos/posters show a man recklessly

running with a briefcase, tripping up. Answer: Don't carry a briefcase around." Advice

Joke Number. 0379

"You want to win an argument? Accuse somebody of always contradicting you." Advice

Joke Number. 0380

"Temple run, only realistic if you spend ten thousand and buy the black guy." Advice

Joke Number. 0381

My son told me he's been getting bullied at school. In preparation of dealing with the situation,

he came to me for Advice. "Son", I said. "The only thing I can say to you is look before you leap.

Poor planning could leave you in a lot of pain. You need to land head-first for certainty." Advice

Joke Number. 0382

"When you go abroad you should be careful of muggers, rapists and murderers also don't drink

the dirty water. But as soon as you get out of the UK you should be fine." Advice

Joke Number. 0383

About 90 percent of people on my Facebook account seem to have a mirror fetish, so I write

everything backwards so they can read it. Advice

Joke Number. 0384

BING - Because It's Not Google. Acronym

Joke Number. 0385

"My kid asked me what a priest was the other day. So I explained.... Pedophile Resident In Every

Small Town" acronym

Joke Number. 0386

"My son came over to me and asked, “Dad, how do you spell diarrhea?” I replied, “I don't know

son, but Doesn't It Always Run Really Horribly over Each Ankle!”" acronym

Joke Number. 0387

"If England thought their group was England Algeria Slovenia Yanks ...Then they might as well

pack their Brazil Argentina Germany Spain." Acronym

Joke Number. 0388

"I went to an AA meeting last night. The shops were closed and I needed some batteries."

Acronym

Joke Number. 0389

"What does WTC stand for? What Trade Centre." Acronym

Joke Number. 0390

"COD It's no coincidence it's an acronym for Cause of Divorce." Acronym

Joke Number. 0391

"When someone next says to you “See You Next Tuesday” ie C.U.N.T. acronym which is quite

offensive - Reply “Tuesday, Wednesday And Thursday” ie T.W.A.T. acronym! You'll have the

last laugh!" acronym

Joke Number. 0392

"Step one: Buy a sheep. Step two: Name it “Relation”. Now you have a relation sheep."

Acronym

Joke Number. 0393

Does Sri Lanka have a Prime Minister and, if so, is he the PMSL? Acronym

Joke Number. 0394

I'm thinking of setting up an Acronym Hate Group. Or AHG for short. Acronym

Joke Number. 0395

I was going to learn which pedal was which for my driving exam, but I CBA. Acronym

Joke Number. 0396

"I've been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA. I'm not

making a lot of progress." Acronym

Joke Number. 0397

"Anyone else in the UK noticed the new Tango slogan...Tango With Added Tango Now look at

the left column of letters..." acronym

Joke Number. 0398

"Hi, I am part of the A.H.S. except we call it the Abbreviation Hating Society." Acronym

Joke Number. 0399

"POV, BDSM, DP, BBW, BDWC. I'm so glad my wife can't break codes." Acronym

Joke Number. 0400

"Teacher: “Lana, can you spell you name backwards please?” Student: “yes sir” Teacher: “do

you?”" acronym

Joke Number. 0401

"I love going to my bedroom, stripping off and having a night in playing with my DS.

Sounds better than saying disabled son." Acronym

Joke Number. 0402

M.M.O.R.P.G - Many Men Online Role Playing as Girls. Acronym

Joke Number. 0403

"Obama really should have thought his next campaign through a little bit more, The War Against

Terrorism" acronym

Joke Number. 0404

"R.A.P.E.: Rough Asphyxiation People Enjoy." Acronym

Joke Number. 0405

"'I've got a new job with the World Health Organization.' 'Who?' 'That's the one.'" Acronym

Joke Number. 0406

When decorators are waiting for their paint to dry, how do they describe how boring it is?

Acronym

Joke Number. 0407

"BRB. I'm not really going anywhere but neither is this conversation." Acronym

Joke Number. 0408

"What do you call a color blind butcher? Graham" acronym

Joke Number. 0409

So glad the saying 'YOLO' came out, I was thinking we got a second shot at this thing! Acronym

Joke Number. 0410

"Just got back from the annual atheist beach party weekend, it was crazy. Oh the things I saw, I

was like O.M. ." acronym

Joke Number. 0411

FIFA: Financial Incentives from Applicants. Acronym

Joke Number. 0412

arggh! Can’t think of a catchy name for my freshly-made lemonade stall. FML acronym

Joke Number. 0413

Wish I could play piano better, but cab, are the only 3 keys I've been bothered to learn so far.

Acronym

Joke Number. 0414

"Taking the Sun's England Algeria Slovenia Yanks formula. How about the tournament of love

for the final four? Holland Uruguay Germany Spain Alternatively, the tournament of hate.

Germany Uruguay Netherlands Spain Either way, it ends in pain!" acronym

Joke Number. 0415

YOLO; You Obviously Lack Originality. Acronym

Joke Number. 0416

Raking leaves half-way through autumn is like wiping half-way through a dump. Acronym

Joke Number. 0417

"What we say, and what we actually mean. Lol = I didn't smile but I do appreciate the humor of

the event in question. Rofl = I smiled a tiny bit, and I also made a strange noise from my nose.

Lmao = I smiled, and made that strange noise again, this time in a higher pitch. Omgroflmao = I

actually laughed." Acronym

Joke Number. 0418

"Does anyone know what the acronym g2g means? Every time I ask someone they just make an

excuse to leave." Acronym

Joke Number. 0419

"A single gene that is dramatically different in chimpanzees and humans may explain why apes

cannot talk. Oh well, at least they can still communicate through rap music." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0420

"What do you get if you cross a motorway with a flock of sheep?

A flock of dead sheep." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0421

"A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Lock your dog

and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really

happy to see you?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0422

If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are

wasting everybody's time. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0423

Have you ever started to eat a horse and then realized that you weren't that hungry after all?

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0424

"My dog always barks when there's someone at the door. I don't know why, as it's never anyone

for him." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0425

"I bought a new book today called “How to end your pet's life with dignity” Even after I'd read

it, I just couldn't put it down." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0426

"I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, “I can't go on, I hate my life”. My roommate's

too selfish to notice. He's always crying." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0427

Spiderman: Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0428

90% of dogs in Korea are inbred... like in a sandwich or something. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0429

"Now, how's he going to read that magazine all rolled up like that...?" thought the spider.

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0430

"In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least threepound

live lobsters - one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should

he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and

wiggling lobsters, says: “Well I Lad die I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks

after the season closed!” The fisherman says, “No - My Son you are wrong! These are two

trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended.” The Fisheries Officer says,

“Trained like how?” “Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf

and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke,

or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them

home!” “Likely story”, the Fisheries Officer says! “Let's take them on down the wharf and see if

it's true.” So, the fisherman goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where,

under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water. The fisherman sits on a wharf

piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to

the fisherman, “How about whistling?” The fisherman says “What For?” The Fisheries Officer

says, “ To call in the Lobsters" The fisherman says, “ What Lobsters?”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0431

"What has four legs and one arm? A Doberman in a playground." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0432

"My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador. It's frightening how many Labrador

owners you see that have gone blind." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0433

My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don't worry, at least he died in comfort.

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0434

"Some you attacked me down the local park tonight with a bat. I was really impressed at how

well he'd trained It." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0435

"I saw a sign recently that said, “Dogs Die in Hot Cars.” This Advice saved me 80 in vet bills

when I had to get my Alsatian put down." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0436

“"How depressing, it's so cold and grey,” said the wife. “Well, it is January,” I replied... then I

noticed the dead elephant lying in our front room." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0437

"A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “Can you have a look at him,” he says, “I think he's

cross-eyed”. So the vet picks up the dog and examines him. “I'm going to have to put him

down,” says the vet. “Why, just because he's cross eyed?” “No,” says the vet, “because he's

heavy!”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0438

"Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who is a

good boy." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0439

"I just bought a goldfish, but unfortunately it's epileptic. The weird thing is as long as I leave it

in the bowl, its fine. The second I take it out to play fetch, it has a seizure." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0440

"People say dolphins are the most intelligent mammals other than humans, and I'm starting to

believe it's true. Within a week of being in captivity, they can train someone to stand by their

pool and give them a fish." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0441

I heard about this guy who broke into a lion's den at the zoo and got mauled. And people were

talking about how there should have been better defenses put up to prevent people getting into

the cage.. A friend of mine suggested setting up some kind of deterrent. For example, putting

some sort of fierce animal in the cage, which would attack anybody who climbed in. Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0442

I've just bought that new Lynx deodorant - breadcrumb edition. The birds can't get enough of

me! Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0443

"You got to feel sorry for bees. How unlucky can you get? Black AND Ginger." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0444

"I wrote a book on penguins. With hindsight, I realize that paper would have been easier."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0445

Who would have thought... Tiger's a Cheetah. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0446

"I'm fed up of people challenging my ethics and saying I don't do enough to better the world.

Even my coat is recycled... ...it used to be a leopard." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0447

"What's the Difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroo? One's a kangaroo and one's a

Geordie stuck in a lift." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0448

"I've bought myself a chinchilla. That should keep my face nice and cool in this warm weather."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0449

"I drove my daughter's guinea pig to the vet's this morning. I'm quite handy with my new

Callaway golf clubs." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0450

"The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” Well, swimming, I

suppose." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0451

"How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. But how did they get in there?"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0452

"I bought a race horse and decided to call it “MY FACE”. Just imagine it running down the

home straight with all the women shouting “COME ON MY FACE”!!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0453

I just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent, now he'll never have any friends. Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0454

"A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is

on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and

stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.

He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would

really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands,

he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes

back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up

and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No, no,” the penguin replies, “it's just ice cream.”"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0455

"People often say that I overuse non sequitur in my humor. To get to the other side." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0456

When you catch a fish and put it back, do you reckon it goes back to its mates and says it was

abducted by aliens? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0457

"Cigarettes are just like weasels. Both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth

and try to set fire to them..." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0458

"9 out of 10 cats prefer Whiskas. I know, I pulled them off my cat and it's never been the same

since." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0459

"A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken

down shanty-style house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner appears and

tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking

Labrador retriever >> sitting there. “You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the Lab replies. After the guy

recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what's your story?” The Lab looks up

and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the

government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,

sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be

eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.” “But the jetting

around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I

signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious

characters and listening in.” “I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of

medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.” The guy is amazed. He

goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. “Ten dollars,” the guy says. “Ten

dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?” “Because he's a liar.

He never did any of that stuff.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0460

"A dog walks into a bar. The barman says, “Excuse me, but whose dog is this? The sign outside

clearly says NO DOGS ALLOWED” The dog says, “Well, I'm not just any dog you know.”

The barman says, “So what makes you so special?”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0461

For Sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have just bought

metal detector. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0462

"I decided to get my nephew a puppy for his birthday. As a surprise I decided to put it in a box,

wrap it & put a bow on top to disguise the actual gift. Top tip: make sure the dog isn't inside

when putting air holes in the box with a screw driver. My nephew was over the moon with his

new remote control car." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0463

Hedgehogs: Why can't they share the hedge? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0464

The Erectus Trouserius (also known as the trouser snake) is the world’s most dangerous snake.

Color varies, from pink to black. It is fang-less, average length is 5 to 9 inches depending on

subspecies. Usually appears in bedrooms but found in unusual places at times. Attacks women in

lower part of the abdominal area. It’s highly venomous spit can cause prolonged swelling lasting

9 months. It has also been known to attack men from behind. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0465

“"Pets at Home - Where Pets Come First” We'll see about that" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0466

How is it that the people in the Churchill advert are completely OK with a talking dog, yet when

this talking dog starts making wild claims they suddenly become all cynical? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0467

"My dog is a blacksmith. Every time I open the front door he makes a bolt for it." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0468

If moths like light so much, why don't they just come out during the day? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0469

The Korean Canine Society has launched its festive campaign. The slogan is "A dog is not just

for Christmas. It should do for Boxing Day as well." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0470

My dog kept getting up in the middle of the night and setting the house alarm off. My wife told

me to disable it, so I broke its legs with a golf club. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0471

I've always wanted to swim with dolphins - but they keep dying on the bus on the way to the

swimming baths. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0472

"Accidentally ran over and killed the neighbor’s cat this morning.

With a chainsaw." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0473

My dog is worried about the economy. Dog food is up to $3.00 per can. That's $21.00 in dog

money! Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0474

"What lies on the ground 100ft in the air? A dead Centipede." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0475

"Scientists have discovered that some fish have pedophile tendencies. Specifically, the ones that

swim outside the school." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0476

"I saw a flock of baby flamingo chicks being really naughty today. I think the parents need to put

their foot down." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0477

Is the Isle of Dogs the Isle of Man's best friend? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0478

"Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0479

"I've just been offered eight legs of venison for 50.Is that too dear?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0480

"Sometimes, I really hate myself. But that's just life when you're a racist chameleon." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0481

It's ironic that I can't seem to find anywhere to insure my pet Market. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0482

At what age is it appropriate to tell my dogs they are adopted? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0483

"I took my son's goldfish to the vet today but it died just before we got there. I knew I should

have put some air holes in the cardboard box." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0484

"Went to the zoo yesterday. The meerkats didn't look impressed when I asked them about car

insurance. Guess they hear it all the time." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0485

Convincing a dog that I really threw the ball is the closest I'll ever get to being a magician.

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0486

"I'm having some problems with my new Staffordshire bull terrier - I rang the vet for some

Advice. I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and liable to attack anyone for no good

reason. The vet replied, “Muzzle 'im?” “No,” I said, “I think he's an atheist.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0487

"A feller was sitting on a park bench eating his lunch when an old lady with a poodle walked up.

The dog was pestering the guy for some food, so he asks the old lady, “Is it ok if I throw him a

bit?” She says, “Sure, go ahead.” The feller grabbed the dog by the neck and chucked it over the

hedge." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0488

"What's got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0489

"A guy came into my shop wanting 10 bees to make his own honey. I put them in a jar, and he

said, “There are 11 in here mate.” I said, “I know, one's a freebie”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0490

"I threw a hedgehog at a dArtboard once... Scored 3480." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0491

"A dog goes into a telegram office and asks to send a message. “I want it to say 'woof woof woof

woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof'“ The man says, “You have paid

10 and only used 14 words. You can add another one at no extra charge.” The dog says, “But

then it wouldn't make any sense.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0492

"The hedgehog made his way down to the riverbank and very slowly walked into the water. As it

got deeper, he soldiered on, gasping for breath. Suddenly he disappeared under and was only just

able to get back to the bank. After resting for 10 minutes, the hedgehog tried again, after going

under twice more he managed to get back to dry land before collapsing. This time it took him

longer to recover but once he felt fit enough he started back into the water. Two ducks were

watching from the other side of the bank and one said to the other, “Come on George, don't you

think it's time we told him he was adopted?”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0493

"A British aquarium claims to have the world's first vegetarian shark. Either that or they're

playing a really good prank on Nigel the tank cleaner." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0494

"It was a very sad day when I took my cat to the vet. The vet looked at me and said, “I'm afraid

your cat won't last long, it's the big C...” “What? Cancer?” I replied. “No,” he answered,

“curiosity.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0495

"I wanted to start a business grooming dogs. It's not doing too well at the moment though. Not

enough dogs have MSN." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0496

"What did the blind, deaf and dumb girl call her dog? Eeeuuuurrrrhhhh!!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0497

"I was told today by the council that my dog had to be neutered. There is no way that I can

afford to do this at a vet... ...So I dyed him ginger." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0498

"We had to say goodbye to our German shepherd yesterday. Auf wiedersehen, pet." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0499

Snakes. They're like bits of rope, only angrier. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0500

"What do you call a gorilla named Geoff? Geoff." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0501

Leotard.... A lion with downs syndrome Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0502

"My boss accused me of “acting the monkey” at work. I almost choked on my banana" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0503

"I broke into a pet shop today and stole a rabbit. Then I made a run for It." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0504

"People say that marijuana is good for you because it's natural, but they don't realize that just

because it's natural doesn't mean its safe. Want to know what else is natural?

Bears." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0505

“"Have you got any kittens going cheap?” asked a customer in a pet shop. “No, sir,” replied the

owner. “All our kittens go 'Meow'.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0506

"The dog was sitting next to his owner at the movies. He was barking excitedly and wagging his

tail every time the hero was on screen, and growling ferociously every time the villain appeared.

The man sitting behind them, totally fascinated by what he sees, taps the owner on the shoulder

and says, “Excuse me that dog is extraordinary. I've never seen anything like it before.” “I'm

surprised too,” says the dog's owner. “He hated the book.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0507

I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0508

Crouching tiger hidden hydrant. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0509

"How do you make a walrus commit suicide? Point at its chest and say “What's that?”" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0510

"The bee. Nature's very own suicide bomber." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0511

If your pet iguana is sick, do you have a reptile dysfunction? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0512

"Did you know... An iguana can stay underwater for 28 minutes. Or longer... If you don't mind it

dying" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0513

"It looks like we've got a new postman. He just laughed when he came through the gate that has

a sign “Beware of the Cat”. Must be his first time delivering to Safari World." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0514

"The Unforgettable Elephant Story In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after

graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young

bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan

approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and

found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan

worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for

several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Dan never forgot that

elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo

with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned

and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. we’re standing. The large bull elephant

stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that

several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter

in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Dan summoned up his

courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the

elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one

of Dan’s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the

same elephant." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0515

"Has anyone in the Brighton area lost a small black and white kitten? Because I've just run it

over." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0516

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought - he's trying to pull a fast one Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0517

My new budgie started to tweet this morning, strange I thought, because I'm not sure how he

managed to turn on my laptop. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0518

I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realize that it would be largely pointless.

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0519

"Looking late at night for the lost Family dog is a bit like mine and my wife's marriage. We both

know it's dead, but we keep trying for the kids." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0520

"What did the dad buffalo say when he left his son? Bison." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0521

"What's the biggest draw back in the Jungle? An elephant's foreskin!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0522

"A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barman says, “Why the long face?” Observing

closely from the other side of the bar, I realized my LSD addiction had gone too far." AnimalsInsects

Joke Number. 0523

"Our dog gave birth today. It had a litter of eight puppies. My wife said they were so cute she

could just eat them up. But was she grateful when I cooked one?!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0524

"After accidentally eating a fly, in the vein of the nursery rhyme, I ate a spider, a bird, a cat, a

dog, a goat, a cow and a horse. Or, as it's more commonly known, a kebab." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0525

"It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things. Like wild dogs." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0526

Spice up your hamster's boring life by hiding a bowl of Ready Brek under the sawdust and

placing a sign saying "Danger, Quicksand" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0527

"My girlfriend wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat. My mate told me that they are really

expensive, so I've bought 2 normal cats and glued their heads together." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0528

I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0529

"What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo? Shut down by the RSPCA." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0530

"What do you use a wombat for? Playing wom." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0531

"What's grey and comes in pints? An elephant." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0532

"What Orchestra instruments do Meerkats play? Cymbals." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0533

"What do a short-sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common? They both have wet noses."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0534

"Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “what are you up to

there, Tim?” “My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I've just buried

him.” The neighbor was concerned. “That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?” Tim

patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “that's because he's inside your cat.”" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0535

"What did the slug say to the snail? “Big issue, sir?”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0536

"I felt terrible about killing a wild bear with a knife and a shovel. However I've learned that when

one of them approaches your Children you have to be willing to strike hard and fast. I also

learned that Koalas aren't great fighters." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0537

"I fancy a nice bit of rabbit for my tea tonight. Could any of you tell me whether it's cheaper

from a butchers or a pet shop?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0538

"My girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn't want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat..."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0539

"Unicorns do exist. Only they're fat, grey and we call them rhinos." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0540

I've named my dog "Cash Reward"' so if it ever goes missing and I put up posters people will

look for him, but I won't have to pay up when he's found. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0541

"An old farmer's dog goes missing and he is inconsolable. His wife says to him, “why don't you

put an ad in the paper to get him back”. The farmer does this, but after two weeks the dog is still

missing. “What did you write in the paper?” asked his wife. “Here boy,” said the farmer."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0542

"What do elephants and grapes have in common? They both have trunks, except for the grapes."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0543

"My neighbor has just walked past with two dogs. I said, “I didn't know you had any dogs.” She

said, “They're not my dogs, they're my sisters.” I said, “Your sisters are very ugly.”" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0544

"Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got It." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0545

“"Eat your dinner,” I said to my young son. “I don't want to!” he replied, pushing his plate away.

“Look, I know you're upset about the death of your dog,” I began, “but as long as you avoid the

fur, he's actually quite delicious.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0546

"My daughter's guinea pig committed suicide today. I was driving home from the vet's

deliberating whether we could justify the 80 the vet wanted to perform an operation, when,

inexplicably, it leapt right out of the car window." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0547

"A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What

are you doing?” she asked. “Hunting flies” he responded. “Oh. Killing any?” she asked. “Yes,

three males and two Females,” he replied. Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell?” He replied,

“Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0548

"When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain

and gag himself." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0549

"I've just dropped my cat in an ice cream maker. Who wants a McFluffy?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0550

"If monkeys are related to humans... How come you never see them at weddings?" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0551

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're very good at it! Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0552

"When I was little, I thought that being a vet would be the greatest job in the world. But then I

got older and found out that it's actually a lot more work than just putting down cats all day."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0553

"I took my 6 year old son to the zoo last week. We were walking around the various cages and

enclosures when all of a sudden he yells, Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant! I was shocked and

slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. What did you call it? I asked. It’s a frickin'

Elephant, it says so on the picture! he said, ... and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0554

"Two lions walking down a supermarket aisle. One turns to the other and says, “Quiet in here

today, isn't it?”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0555

"What's Black and White and eats like a horse? A zebra." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0556

"For anybody who's scared of this wind, just imagine how those poor little spiders must be

feeling. And for anybody scared of spiders, they can now fly." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0557

"They say that when you cut a worm in two one end will wriggle. Not if you cut it length ways."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0558

"My dog just loves chasing cars, he howls and barks and jumps around with joy. It's funny

though, he just walks off when he hears anything else by Snow Patrol." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0559

"I was bearing down on the keeper with the ball at my feet, he came out shouting and waving his

arms, evidently trying to put me off. He was unsuccessful, I rounded him and unleashed a

ferocious shot.. And completely smashed his beehive to bits." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0560

"My next door neighbor keeps racing pigeons... but the pigeons always win." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0561

"The male gypsy moth can smell the female gypsy moth from a distance of 7 miles. The above

sentence is also true if you remove the word “moth”." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0562

"What is the brown stuff between Elephant's toes? Slow Natives." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0563

"I threw my cat into a swimming pool filled with milk. He did a few laps." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0564

"A rich Barnsley lad wants to commemorate his well-loved dog, who has just died, by making a

gold statue of it, so he pops off to his local jeweler. He says to the jeweler, “Can thee make me a

gold statue o' me dog?” The jeweller replies, “Certainly, sir. Would you like it 18 carat?” To

which the Barnsley lad says, “No, daft lad, I want it chewing a bone!”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0565

"I looked after my gran's place while she was away. She came back today and rang me up: “Why

the cat in the birdcage is and where is the budgie?” I said, “Technically speaking gran, the

budgie's still in the cage.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0566

"What's pink and hard? A pig with a flick knife!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0567

"I've got the memory of an elephant. I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an

elephant." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0568

“"Goldfish have a memory that only lasts for five seconds.” If Google Chrome had that, I'd still

be in a relationship." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0569

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0570

"Apparently, Penguins mate for life. Course they do... It's not like they're going to find a more

attractive Penguin." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0571

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0572

"What do you call a bears with no ears? B" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0573

I seem to be seeing a lot of people out walking Staffordshire Bull Terriers at the moment,

especially round Council Estates and the like. I'll be honest, I really don't like them. They are

ugly, muscular, vicious, and unintelligent and seem liable to attack you for no reason. Their

dogs, on the other hand, I quite like. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0574

"Woman goes into a butcher's... “I'd like an oxtail please”. “Certainly”, replies the butcher,

“Once there was an ox...”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0575

"I rang the zoo earlier today and got the fax machine by mistake. Either that or the Dolphins are

a lot smArter than we think." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0576

"A frogs perspective on life; Time's fun when you’re having flies." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0577

"I found a little lost puppy this morning down my road. Luckily he had his address written on his

collar, so I knew straight away where to send the ransom note." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0578

"The sign on the door said “Guide dogs welcome”. As I entered the shop, a Labrador greeted me,

thanked me for shopping with them and took my coat." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0579

"My whisky kept going missing so I confronted the wife. She told me that the guilty party was

the Family dog. I found it staggering." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0580

Originally, God wanted wasps to pollinate flowers but that didn't work so he resorted to Plan Bee

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0581

"I have just come back from a short break in Korea.. Let me tell you their “Slush Puppies” are

nothing like ours." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0582

"I know my goldfish loves it when I take him out of his bowl. He wags his tail a lot." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0583

"A snail can travel over a razor blade without cutting itself. Or to put it another way, sometimes

scientists get bored." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0584

"My 100ft snake died today. So long..." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0585

"I must have the smArtest dog in the world. I once asked him what 7 times 7 minus 49 was - he

said nothing." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0586

"A Giraffe. The result of upper cutting a horse." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0587

"I saw a sign in a restaurant “chicken dinner 50p.” I went in and ordered one and the waiter

brought me a plate of bird seed." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0588

Do you think that Pandas know that they are Chinese and are taking the one baby rule a bit

seriously? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0589

"Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is one of the few Animals that can

make its own custard." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0590

My girlfriend lets me into the zoo after it's closed for the day. She's definitely a keeper. AnimalsInsects

Joke Number. 0591

"What's the fastest animal alive? An Ethiopian chicken." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0592

"I tried to teach my dog how to fetch. He just doesn't get it." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0593

"I named my new rabbit Floppy. He has Erectile Dysfunction." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0594

"How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Stick it in the microwave until it`s Bill Withers!"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0595

I've always been amazed by the Dolly the Sheep story. It's amazing to know we've managed to

make a clone of a sheep. Just imagine that, a field full of sheep that all look the same. Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0596

"I was listening to music in my bedroom when my dog walked in on me practicing the robot.

He's actually getting pretty good at it." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0597

"I was playing the piano when an elephant walked in. He started crying his eyes out! I said, “oh,

you recognize the tune?” The elephant said, “no, I recognize the ivory.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0598

"I love watching Animals eating on the Internet. I'm watching a live feed now." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0599

"I had a psychic chicken. It was always crossing over to the other side." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0600

"When was the last time a boxer became champion and then sat in the ring? Crufts 1964."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0601

"Two dragons go into a pub. The first says, “It's hot in here isn't it?” The other replies, “Shut

your mouth.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0602

Imagine the difficulty and discomfort a giraffe gets when trying to throw up. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0603

"What came first, the chicken or the egg? ...Neither. No-one came until the rooster did."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0604

"Cash my gold returned my package with a note attached saying they had forwarded my details

to the RSPCA. Apparently goldfish weren't what they were after." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0605

"I saw a sign on the A1 today that read, “ CAUTION - HORSE DRAWN VEHICLES AHEAD”.

I was just impressed that they could hold a pencil." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0606

"Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly: “I was Artificially

inseminated this morning.” “I don't believe you,” replies Dolly. “It's true, no bull!”" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0607

“"Can you do an impression of a parrot?” asked my mate. “Can you do an impression of a

parrot?” I replied." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0608

"I've just moved into my new flat and there isn't any room to swing a cat. So I kicked it to death."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0609

Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0610

"I've just been given the sack from the pet shop. We've got far too many kittens again." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0611

"A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his

window. The bee said, “What seems to be the problem”? “I'm out of petrol.” The bee told the

man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of

bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. “Try it now,”

said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. “Wow!” the man

exclaimed. “What did you put in my petrol tank”? The bee answered, “BP.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0612

"A man walks into a bar and asks the bArtender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give

me a free drink?” The bArtender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and

pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches,

cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked

the bArtender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the

evening?” The bArtender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and

pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The

man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the

rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him

$100,000.00 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the man replies, “he's not for sale.” The stranger increases

the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he's not for sale.” The stranger again

increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over

to the stranger in exchange for the money. “Are you insane?” the bArtender demanded. “That

frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don't

worry about it.” the man answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a

ventriloquist.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0613

"An eight-year-old boy went into a shop and picked out a large box of washing powder. The

shopkeeper asked him if he had a lot of washing to do. “Oh, no,” the boy said, “I'm going to

wash my dog.” “But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog,” said the shopkeeper. “It's very

powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.” But the

boy was not to be stopped and carried the washing powder to the counter and paid for it. A week

later, the boy was back in the store to buy some sweets. The shopkeeper asked the boy how his

dog was doing. “Oh, he died,” the boy said. The shopkeeper said he was sorry, but added, “I tried

to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.” “Well, the boy replied, “I don't think it was the

washing powder that killed him.” “Oh? What was it then?” “I think it was the spin cycle!”"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0614

"I thought it was cute to name my dog 'trouble', but I keep getting beaten up whenever I lose

him." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0615

"Why did the kitten cross the road? Because my football's got a puncture." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0616

"I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an

aquarium?” I said, “I don't care what star sign it is.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0617

"What's purple and falls out of trees? A monkey's miscarriage." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0618

"Two blokes are arguing about which of their dogs is smArter. The first bloke says, “My dog is

so clever, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around, then he takes the newspaper

and brings it to me.” The second man says, “I know.” “How do you know?” asks the first bloke.

“My dog told me.” says the second man." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0619

"My girlfriend's cat died today. It was really hard trying to explain to her how he died... ...and

even harder to explain why I ate him afterwards." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0620

"One day, a farmer woke up to find that all 100 of his cows had died. Without his cows, he is

ruined. So he goes to the nearby lake, and drowns himself. The oldest brother wakes up, reads

the note left by his father, and decides that life isn't worth living. So he goes to the lake to drown

himself as well. There is a mermaid there. She tells the boy that if he can screw her 5 times, she

will resurrect his father, and the cows. Anyway, the boy tries his best, but only can do it 3 times.

So, she kills him. The second oldest brother goes to the lake to drown himself, and the mermaid

is there. She says that if he screws her 10 times in a row, she will resurrect his father, brother,

and cows. He tries his best, but only can get it up 8 times. The youngest brother then goes to the

lake. The mermaid tells him that he must do it with her 20 times. He looks at her, bemused, and

then says “What about 100 times? Or 200?” The mermaid goes “Err, you think that you can

handle it?” And he replies “Sure! How do you think all the cows died???”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0621

"Two parrots on a perch. One turns to the other and says, “Can you smell fish?”" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0622

"I phoned my wife at work. “We're out of rabbit food. What shall I give them?” “Give them

some carrots,” she said, “and make sure you skin them first.” I called back an hour later.

“They're not eating the carrots. In fact, they're not doing much at all.” “That's odd,” she said, “I

know,” I said. “Now, what shall I do with all this fur?”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0623

"If carrots are meant to be good for your eyes, then why there are so many dead rabbits on our

roads?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0624

"I accidentally ran over a cat today. It was okay but its tail had fallen off. Luckily I took it to

Tesco, Britain's biggest retailer." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0625

"A guy takes his dog to the vet. When the vet has checked the dog, he says to the guy “Say 'aah'

please, sir.” The guy asks “Why do you want ME to say 'aah'?” The vet replies “Because your

dog's dead.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0626

"There was a cow on the loose in the neighborhood yesterday. Can't have been mine, she was

ironing all day." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0627

"Not everyone hates Muslims. Mosquitos find them very attractive." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0628

"I've just been into my local pet shop. I said, “How much is that doggy in the window?” “The

one with the waggly tail?” the owner replied, laughing. “No, the one with three legs. I've only

got twenty quid,” I replied." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0629

"I asked the chemist, “What's best for nasty insect bites?” “Probably mosquitos,” he replied."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0630

"What do you call a group of rabbits hopping backwards? Receding hairline." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0631

"Remember a tortoise is for life. So once he's died, hollow him out and use him as an ashtray."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0632

"I recently went out on a date with a dolphin. We just clicked..." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0633

"My dog's got synesthesia. How does he smell? Purple." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0634

"I saw a monkey playing the drums today. Baboon tsh!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0635

"What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0636

"A little old lady takes her dead cats to a taxidermist to be stuffed. “Would you like them

mounted?” Asked the taxidermist. “Oooo no....”says the lady, “just snuggled up next to each

other.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0637

Just saw the neighbor’s little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he

overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0638

I went into an internet chat room for people who like Animals last night. I was pretending to be a

horse. I got chatting to a really nice guy, but after about half an hour I realized he was grooming

me. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0639

"Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic? To get away from America" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0640

"I was riding a horse yesterday and its leg broke, so I had to shoot it. All the other kids on the

carousel started screaming." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0641

“"Sponsor a Dog for Life by sending just two pounds a month, and your dog will write to you”

says the advert. If the dog's literate, can't it earn its own money with some sort of administrative

job?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0642

"Someone just called my mate an ape. I took offense because he's my prime mate." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0643

"I recently tried to save a dog from drowning whilst on holiday in China... ...but I burnt my hand

on the saucepan." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0644

"My Son came home crying and told me that the old bloke next door had burst his football with a

knife because he was sick of it ending up in his garden. “Don't worry, Son.” I said, “We'll do the

same to him next time something of his is in our garden.” “What do you mean Dad?” He asked.

“You’ll see.” I replied with a wink. “Now put this bowl of cat food outside.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0645

"Why do elephants have big ears? Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0646

I bought a new dog yesterday. I've named him Rolex.......he's a watchdog Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0647

"What's the Difference between a fish and a mountain goat? One mucks about in fountains..."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0648

"Peperami, it's a bit of an animal. I've no idea which animal though, or which bit."Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0649

Snip...Sniiiip. Hmmm. Nope, seems that cats look better WITH ears... Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0650

"How do you make a cat flap? Throw it off a cliff." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0651

I have a dog with no legs. We call it "Cigarette", because you have to take it outside for a drag.

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0652

"Some people wish their pets could talk. I don't. They might tell." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0653

"What do you get if you cross a lion and a tiger? Mauled" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0654

"albert Gordon posted: My Father said that he is so fed up of all my pets, the next one I get he is

going to drown. I'm seriously considering getting a shark.--------------------------I'd get a pet

toaster." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0655

"A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept

some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and

beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the

zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means “screw you”

in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed

revenge. The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a

large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the

gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics,

he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the

bag, and put it on. Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out,

picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out

of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked

at the man, and pulled down his eyelid." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0656

"Why didn't the Chicken cross the road? He saw what happened to the Zebra." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0657

"What did the elephant say to the naked man? “How do you breathe through something so

small?”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0658

Pandas are the least racist animal. They're black, white and Asian. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0659

'Animals Do the Funniest Things' sent my video back with a note asking me to seek help.

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0660

I've got a dog called Curiosity. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0661

"We're what you might call the average Family. There's me, the wife, and 2.4 kids. We used to

have 3 kids... ...then we got the Pit bull..." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0662

"My little girl came in crying her eyes out. “Daddy! Daddy! Fluffy is lying still in his hutch. I

think he may be dead.” So I went to have a look. Sure enough he was. “Daddy, why is his Willie

sticking out?” I now regret quipping, “I guess old rabbits die hard.” The bawling sounds like it

could go on all day." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0663

In the pursuit of scientific answers, Animals have been tortured for the past 100 years. They're

still not talking. I'm starting to think they don't know anything. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0664

I tried water polo once and my horse drowned. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0665

I had a pet spider when I was younger. I discovered that when I shouted 'LEFT' he went left, and

when I shouted 'RIGHT' he went right, and when I pulled his legs off. . . . he went deaf.

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0666

"What did one lesbian frog say to the other? By God, we DO taste like chicken!!!" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0667

I finally managed to teach my dog to beg. Last night he came home with fifty pounds. Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0668

"I've just met a deer who could write with both his left and right hooves. He said he was

ambidextrous." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0669

"I and a few friends went out for a meal the other week, we all decided we would try the duck...

I always seem to get stuck with the bill." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0670

"I saw my mate Dan the other day and he'd bought himself a dog -- a great Dane. I said “What's

with the pooch, mate?” He said “Research shows that people who own dogs live ten years

longer”. I had to laugh when it dragged him under a bus!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0671

"I put a zebra through the scanner at Tesco's. Cost me 400." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0672

"Rottweiler for sale. Very fond of people. Reluctant to let go." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0673

"I shouted abuse at some cows and all I got back were blank stares. So I yelled, “You herd!”"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0674

"How do you make a bear cross? Nail two of them together." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0675

"You know what gets my goat? El chupacabra" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0676

"What's the Difference between a cow and a hamster? A cow survives branding." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0677

"Has anyone seen the new Shaun the Sheep DVD Shaun the Sheep Goes to Wales RATED 18"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0678

I decided to start my own business caring for pets left behind when their owners go on holiday

when I saw how much a friend of mine had made after starting his Cattery. I don't know much

about cats, but I know how to look after bugs. I haven't had much business though. Maybe it's the

sign on the front of the building... Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0679

"In the countryside, a guy's car gets stuck in a muddy rut. Fortunately, a farmer is just walking

his strong-looking shire horse past. “Don't worry, there,” says the farmer, hitching the horse to

the car. “Soon have you out.” Then he calls out to the horse “Pull, Dobbin!” But the horse

doesn't budge, so he tells it “Pull, Barney!” Still no response, so he says “Pull, Harry!” and this

time, the horse gives an almighty tug and the car comes free. “That's great, thanks very much,”

says the driver, and then asks “Couldn't you remember his name or something?” “No, it's just

that Harry's blind,” says the farmer. “He wouldn't bother trying if he thought he was the only one

pulling.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0680

A bit of Advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0681

"What animal mauls you, then starts to cry? A bipolar bear." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0682

"I think these animal rights protesters have double standards. Why do they only throw red paint

over posh women in mink? If they feel so strongly about people wearing coats made from dead

Animals then why aren't they down the local bikers pub splattering everyone in Deluxe?"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0683

"A dog's New Year's Resolution: I will not chase that stick unless I actually see it leave his

hand!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0684

"What’s the stupidest animal in the jungle? Polar Bear" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0685

If dolphins were as smArt as people say, they'd stop hanging around with tuna fish. Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0686

"I was walking along the beach today, when I stopped to throw pebbles in the sea. The wife will

go mad, she loved that dog." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0687

If you want to know how many bees Noah had... check the Ark Hives Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0688

Police reported earlier today that a cattle truck had tipped on its side, killing the driver and all

100 cattle on board. The Family of the driver announced there will be a memorial service to

commemorate the driver, followed by an all-you-can-eat barbecue. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0689

"A business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following:

HELP WANTED-Must be able to type, have computer skills, and be bilingual. We are an Equal

Opportunity Employer. A dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked

at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a

bit. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the

dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into

the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I

can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the

typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the

manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but

then told the dog, “The sign also says you have to be good with a computer.” The dog jumped

down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect

spreadsheet that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time, the manager was totally dumbfounded!

He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have

some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job.” The dog jumped down and

went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal

Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be

bilingual.” The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, “Meow.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0690

"I went for skills rather than looks when I picked my new dog I got an ex-police drug-sniffer

dog. I'll tell you what, he comes in handy at parties." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0691

I've named my dog Madness. When people come round I introduce him by saying "This is

Madness!", my flat mate then jumps out and screams "THIS IS SPARTA!" and kicks me in the

chest. Worth it. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0692

"What’s pink and disabled? A flamingo." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0693

"Got a letter today from my gran asking me to look after the dog while she's away for the month.

Unluckily for Alfie, she posted it two weeks ago." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0694

"What do you call an aardvark that has just been beaten up? A vark." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0695

"Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0696

"It's just taken me 3 hours to bury my son's cat. Probably would have been faster if it was dead."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0697

I went out this weekend and bought a new Jack Russell puppy for the Family. It's black & brown

with a small white area...so I called it Birmingham... Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0698

"I went to the dentist. He said, “Say Aaah.” I said, “Why?” He said, “My dog's died.”" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0699

"This chicken came up to me today and said “Buck, Buck, Buck” I'd never heard such fowl

language." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0700

"When my girlfriend got her new kitten, she said that she wished it would be that cute forever.

She's going to be so surprised when I get it stuffed for her birthday." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0701

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0702

"I went into the pet shop yesterday and said, “My two cats keep bringing fleas into the house, do

you have anything to stop it?” “Sure,” replied the cashier, “Rub this powder all over their fur and

it should kill them within 24 hours.” She was right, I woke up this morning and both cats were

dead." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0703

"It's only lunchtime and I've already broken 2 of my resolutions. At least the third is safe until I

find a goat." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0704

My dog swallowed my TV remote control. Now, I have to pat his back to get the BBC, press his

stomach to get Sky, rub his neck to get ITV... and decided I could do without Channel 4.

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0705

"What's black and white and red all over? A penguin that has been rescued by the American

R.S.P.C.A" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0706

"Being a vet, I'm always looking for ways to brighten up the horrible task of putting down

Animals. Do you think the CD tray from a computer would make a good hamster guillotine?"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0707

"A famous Art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk

from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer

is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat

for two dollars. The storeowner replies “I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says,

“Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that

cat.” And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat. The collector continues, “Hey, for the

twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me

from having to get a dish.” And the owner says, “Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far

this week I've sold sixty-eight cats.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0708

"If you leave a dog in a car on a hot day without water or ventilation, it could be dead in 15

minutes. However, I've discovered that if I put the heating on as well, I can get it down to about

five." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0709

Cats and drunks - people who can make themselves comfortable anywhere. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0710

"NEWSFLASH - An Old English Sheep dog has been found hanging from a tree in the Southern

states of the USA. The police say the Deluxe Klan did it." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0711

"How come when it's a human it’s an abortion; But when it's a chicken it's an omelet?" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0712

How come David Attenborough is always at the right place at the right time when a "once in a

thousand years" nature event happens? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0713

"Have you ever seen a goldfish bowl? I just saw one get a strike." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0714

"I went to Cheltenham yesterday after hearing it was a great place to see lovely 10 year olds

getting ridden. I was let down. It was a horse racing event." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0715

"I've just been to the Galapagos Islands and wiped out all the giant tortoises....... It was turtle

annihilation." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0716

"What do you call a three legged donkey? Glue." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0717

Black Beauty, now there's a dark horse Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0718

You say 'tortoise', I say 'organic flesh light'. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0719

"Tired? Stressed? Fed up of having grey hair? Tough....you're a squirrel" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0720

"What do you get when you cross a lion with a pen? Eaten by a lion." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0721

"Two goats were behind a Hollywood studio eating an old movie reel. One goat said to the other:

“Pretty good, huh?” The second goat replied: “Yeah, but not as good as the book.”" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0722

"How long is a hair on a rabbit's back? About 10 minutes." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0723

I went to the safari park yesterday. When you go past the lions bit they ask you to keep your

windows and doors shut. I had to - or my wife would've got back in. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0724

"What do you do if a herd of elephants come over the hill? Swim for it!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0725

"Curiosity killed the cat, But I want to know how........" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0726

"What do you call a panda deep in thought? A panda." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0727

"Some race horses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In

the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!” Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I've

won 19!!” “Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!”, says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. “I don't mean to

boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!” The horses are

clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0728

"My daughter loves reptiles so for her birthday, as money was tight, I told her I had bought her a

Chameleon... She's been looking for it for three days." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0729

"Be careful using predictive text whilst driving in bad weather. I sent my boss a text the other

day saying “Sorry I'm late, stuck in dog.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0730

"I took my dog for a moonlit walk along the beach last night... ...and yet she still claims I'm

incapable of romance!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0731

"I sent my dog to his kennel and he blew it up. He was a Yorkshire terrorist." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0732

"Spud rifle posted: Anybody else going to eat cat food for dinner? I know I am s ------------

Reminds me of the time I bet a mate I could eat a dog food sandwich. I didn't Win a lot."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0733

"Why are there no pigs in Saudi Arabia? Because they are not prepared to live with a bunch of

filthy, stinking Arabs." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0734

"My horse will only let me ride it in the dark. It's a nightmare!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0735

"I was doing some experiments in the laboratory the other day. I dipped a gazelle in some Nitric

acid - it melted but nothing too exciting happened. I sprinkled shrimps into Sulphur - they got

burnt slightly, but it wasn't that spectacular. I then dropped a Panda into some Ammonia -

suddenly, there was pandemonium everywhere!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0736

"When i was on Holiday in Canada I saw a sign that said this We advise that you wear noisy

little bells on your clothing so as not to startle bears. We also advise you to carry pepper spray in

case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear

activity. You should recognize the Difference between Black Bear and Grizzly Bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear

droppings have little bells in it and smell like pepper." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0737

"Two bats hanging in a cave and one says to the other “The thing that worries me most about

getting old is incontinence”." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0738

"What can zebras have that no other Animals can have? Baby zebras." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0739

"I went to see a flea circus today, but all the fleas suddenly and mysteriously disappeared. That

left us all scratching our heads." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0740

Slugs are just snails that didn't keep up the mortgage payments. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0741

"What do you get if you cross a Monkey with a Scouser? Nothing. The monkeys are far too

clever to screw a Liverpudlian." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0742

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0743

If man did not evolve from apes, how come we like PG tips as much as they do? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0744

“"Here we have a rare creature to these lands. Not native to the South Pole, this mammal can be

found observing in numbers of 3-4, standing on its hind legs and seeing through the one big eye

that extends out from the rest of its face. Feeding primarily on a diet of packaged food, what a

peculiar creature it is.” A penguin's account of a BBC natural history camera crew." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0745

Do cats think its bad luck when a black person crosses their path? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0746

There is a place on this Earth for all of God's creatures - right next to the mashed potatoes.

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0747

In honour of Wally the whale that died in the River Thames a couple of years ago, Vera Lynn is

to produce a tribute record, which is to be called "Whale Meat Again". Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0748

"I spent a year breeding rabbits. It was a hare raising experience." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0749

"My wife gets all teary eyed when she sees seals being clubbed on the telly, but she doesn't think

twice about asking me to whack a spider in the bath with a newspaper. And what's a spider doing

with a newspaper, anyway?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0750

"What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't really matter it won't come anyway" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0751

To ease the overcrowding in prisons why don’t they release the murderers but make them wear a

little bell round their necks. This method has certainly worked on my cat which used to kill no

end of birds, but has not killed one since I fixed it to his collar. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0752

"What do you call a cow that has had an abortion? Decalfinated." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0753

"How do you get two whales in a car? Down the M4." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0754

"I just read that China's last Giant Panda fell into quicksand. The WWF say it hasn't quite sunk in

yet." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0755

"What looks like a rainbow and brings laughter and joy to so many? An exploding parrot."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0756

"They say “you are what you eat”... ...so why doesn't duck taste like bread..?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0757

"I went to a restaurant, and really could have eaten a horse. But I stopped after the mane."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0758

"Geese and swans mate for life. That would explain why it's very common for geese and swans

to fly into jet engines." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0759

"My wife just text me, “Wolfs are mythological creatures right?” I could not believe the

stupidity. Everyone knows “wolves” is plural." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0760

"Apparently in Hong Kong it is customary after a meal to spit the bones out on the table.

So, anyway, I'm there enjoying my Dog and chips, and after finishing this wonderful meal, spat

the bones out. Only while looking at the bones did the thought occur to me:-

That's a shame. The Dog would have loved them" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0761

"Did you know it takes 40 pigs to make 3,000 sausages? It's amazing what you can teach them"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0762

"I regret marrying a Himalayan cattle herder. All she ever does is complain about how homesick

she is. “Yak, yak, yak.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0763

"BBC News: “Giant bird found on hobbit island” So, just a normal bird then?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0764

"A Horse walks into a Bar carrying a pair of Jump-Leads... The Barman says “I don't mind the

long face, but if you try and start anything you're out!”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0765

"I knocked on a guy’s house the other day “I'm really sorry mate but my Cat's just killed your

dog” “Impossible!” He exclaimed, “My dog is a 90lb Pit bull terrier, It would tear a cat to

shreads, what happened?!” “Well I was digging up the road with it and I backed up over him”"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0766

"Through a Greenpeace scheme, I've already adopted a whale, a dolphin and a monkey ... I'm

really not looking forward to the day I get them all together and break it to them who their real

father is." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0767

"My wife is so attached to her new puppy. I love superglue pranks." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0768

"My cat gave birth in the middle of our street today. The council fined me for littering."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0769

Unicorns are basically horses with strap-ons... Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0770

Once I found a skull in the woods. The first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious

about it. I picked it up and started wondering who this person was, and why he had antlers.

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0771

My dog recently swallowed a whole set of alphabet fridge magnets. He's been leaving little

messages around the house. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0772

Every time the doorbell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner. He's a boxer. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0773

"I cleaned my fish out last night. Can't believe how bad they are at poker!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0774

"I'm so upset having my pet chameleon put down, but the vet was right. What's the point in

carrying on if he wasn't going to change." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0775

"My daughter screamed when I did her hair up in pigtails. She doesn't want to visit the abattoir

again." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0776

You know you had a good night clubbing when the RSPCA turn up at your door the next

morning. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0777

"They say the early bird catches the worm. On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0778

"There is no sense in running from your problems. Unless they are lions" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0779

"When I found out my missus' pet spider was on the loose, I went and bought a tank... That

should enable me to fire at it from a reasonably safe distance." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0780

"I got fired a few days into my job as a vet, when a woman brought in a sick hedgehog.

Apparently, up down left right A B C start isn't an appropriate cure." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0781

"What's invisible and smells like carrots.... .. Rabbit farts." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0782

"There were two hedgehogs sitting by the road. The first hedgehog said “I've got this really cool

game we can play” the hedgehog went into the middle of the road, curled up into a ball and a car

drove over him. The hedgehog said “now it’s your turn” “no way that's to scary” said the second

hedgehog. “No look, it's really easy” said the hedgehog as he went into the middle of the road

and curled up into a ball and a car drove over him. The first hedgehog said “look there's a car

coming now it’s your turn” the second hedgehog plucked up the courage, went into the middle of

the road and curled up into a ball. SPLAT. 3 wheeled car." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0783

"I decided to sell my stuffed labrador on eBay. It didn't fetch very much." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0784

"The Kwik-Fit mechanic had a puzzled look on his face when I asked him if I could get a wheel

balanced. “You can do that, right?” I asked. “Well, yeah,” he said. “I've just never done one for a

hamster before.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0785

"I've had to close my curiosity shop due to an infestation. I found 17 dead cats in there this

morning." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0786

I realize that asking my dogs which one of them farted is pointless, but if I don't ask, they might

think it was me. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0787

A world without bears would be unbearable. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0788

"I love defenseless Animals. Especially in a good gravy." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0789

"I saw a dog doing his business in my garden. Didn't even know they could use laptops."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0790

It is my firm opinion that every whale that gets beached is just trying its best to evolve. Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0791

"How do you make a dog go “Meow?” Freeze-dry it, then run it through a band saw." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0792

"My dog collapsed this morning. I rushed him down the vets and the vet said, “Do you think he's

eaten something?” I said, “God no - I haven't fed him for two weeks.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0793

"I've trained my Rottweiler to attack and bite on command. Should be fun - the command I've

chosen is, “Can I stroke your dog?”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0794

"My neighbor’s cat just spat at me. So I turned the heat down on the frying pan." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0795

"I thought I saw a Robin Red Breast in the park today. It turned out to be a sparrow with an exit

wound." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0796

"I took my kids to the zoo last week. Apparently they've settled in quite well..." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0797

"After 20 years of painfully hard work I've almost finished my book. I can't believe that little

caterpillar is still hungry." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0798

"I tried to find out exactly how loud my dogs bark was. But I could only get a ruff estimate."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0799

"When i get a dog, i'm going to call him STAY, just to confuse him 'COME HERE, STAY,

COME HERE, STAY'" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0800

"Some people are worried that the Bees are dying out By the size of them this year, it probably

because they've started eating each other." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0801

"Paying a vet to have your pet put down is like riding a bike. Why do either if you have a car?"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0802

I never got over that day back in 1971 when my dad told me my favorite pet, a 3/8th of an

unchipped was now called a centipede. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0803

"So... Did they call it an AMERICAN pit bull terrier because it was first bred in America? Or

because it tries to eat everything it comes in contact with?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0804

I see in the news that Koalas are in danger of being extinct within the next 30 years...which

makes the 2 stuffed ones that I bought on my holidays a decent investment. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0805

"I don't know why people think that puppies are sweet. They taste sour to me." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0806

"Our Family dog of 13 years died the other week when I accidently reversed onto him. Naturaly

there was an awkward silence when my daughter brought him up at dinner today. It's not her

fault though... we're Korean and she's anorexic." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0807

"Why was the dog standing still? Because it was on paws." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0808

"I was taking my dog out the other day when I met this bloke who asked me where I was going.

The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have him put

down. He asked me, “is he mad?” To which I replied, “well, he's not exactly pleased about it.”"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0809

"One of the larger ladies in our office was all dressed up last night. She had on a short skirt

showing her stocking tops, a flimsy low cut top showing lots of cleavage, and a feather Boa. I

asked why she was all dressed up and she said, “I'm going to a fancy dress party as a hooker.”

“Really?” I said. “You look more like a prop forward to me.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0810

"My local council wants to ban pitbull terriers from the streets, but they're having problems with

actually identifying which dogs are pitbulls. I personally don't see what the problem is. If they've

got short legs, square shoulders and an aggressive temperament, then the dog they own is most

likely a pitbull." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0811

"Which cautious insect was most adept at sniffing out treasonous plots and insurrections in

Communist Russia? The Cagey Bee." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0812

"I'm very strict on my Jewish beliefs when it comes to dating. No Pigs." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0813

"A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He

was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale. “Afraid

not,” said the farmer. “I'll give you a thousand bucks!” said the city fella. “I can't sell you that

horse. He don't look too good,” replied the farmer. “I know horses and he looks fine. I'll give you

two thousand!” “Well, all right, if you want him so bad.” The next day, the man returned the

horse, screaming that he had been gypped. “You sold me a blind horse!” “Well,” said the farmer,

“I told you he didn't look too good.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0814

I watched a chicken cross the road today. It was poultry in motion. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0815

"BBC News: Motorcyclist hit by swan. He should have ducked." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0816

I bought a pair of tortoise skin shoes, it took me 3 hours to walk out the shop. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0817

“"The only thing wearing a fur coat should be an animal”. Thanks for the tip Mr. animal rights

protester, my pig loves the new fur coat I just bought him." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0818

"I took my dog out for a walk last week. I decided to give him a race... he took the lead... and I

haven't seen him since!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0819

"I was sat in the pub last night when a 7 foot purple frog, wearing a top hat walked into the bar.

I thought, “That's unusual. Frogs normally hop.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0820

"When you next see a bird walking down the road, have a think to yourself maybe it's scared of

heights" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0821

"It's a well-known fact that whales are able to communicate over vast distances, up to and even

beyond 600 miles. Now, following decades of research and advancement in the field of marine

biology, scientists have finally translated these distant calls... “Can you still hear me?”" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0822

I don't agree with battery hens. Surely they lay bigger eggs if they're plugged into the mains.

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0823

"I was unpacking the groceries when I picked up a bunch of bananas and saw a long hairy leg

poking out. Closer inspection revealed it was a very large Brazilian Wandering Spider, the most

venomous in the world, and not something you would want to touch. It was obviously dazed

from being imported in refrigerated conditions, so I carefully placed the bananas back into the

carrier bag and tied the handles. Then I did the sensible thing. I shouted upstairs to my wife,

“Just off to the pub, darling. Only one last bag to unpack, if you could do the honors.”" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0824

"I had a weird dream last night. I was on safari in Africa. I dreamt I was hand feeding a Hippo. I

woke up with my hand between the wife's legs!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0825

"A doctor was doing his rounds in a hospital when he overhears a conversation between two

African nurses. One says, “It's spelled 'whoooom'.” The other says, “No, I'm sure it's spelled

'whooouuum'.” They carry on like this for a bit, then the doctor goes over to them and says, “I'll

settle this for you, it's spelled 'womb'.” One of the nurses replies, “Look, I doubt you've ever seen

a hippo, let alone heard one farting underwater'." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0826

"I'm with the other P.E.T.A. People for the Eating of Tasty Animals" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0827

"A dog lover has been reunited with her lost dog after it was missing for EIGHT YEARS. Either

that or her parents spent a REALLY long time saving up for a new one." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0828

"My wife said that I need to start making sacrifices for our relationship. She went mental when

she checked the rabbit hutch earlier." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0829

"What do you get when you put the head of a lion on the body of an eagle? 2 dead Animals and a

fine for killing protected species." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0830

"My dog didn't eat its tea tonight, so I threw it in the bin. He was getting old anyway." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0831

"Chinese authorities are becoming more and more concerned with their kids copying Western

bad behavior on the streets. A spokesman said, “chopstick crime is up by 30%.”" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0832

"I was listening to the cricket today and it was announced that Swann had fallen for a duck. “Ah,

ain't that nice!” said my mum." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0833

"How do you get down from a elephant? You don't, you get it from a duck." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0834

"On a farm, an old woman sent her grandson to the pond for some water. As he dipped the

bucket in, an alligator appeared from under the surface. He dropped the bucket and legged it

back to his Grandma's kitchen. “I can't get water from that pond,” he cried. “There's this alligator

in there!” She laughed and said “Don't worry about him, he's tame. In fact, he's probably as

scared of you as you are of him.” “In that case,” he replied, “that water isn't fit to drink.”"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0835

A termite walks into a bar and says "is the bar tender here?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0836

My mates say my girlfriend looks like a horse. I don't think we'll be together furlong. Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0837

I can't seem to find 'Chameleon' in the dictionary. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0838

"Rabbit goes into a bar every day, orders cheese toasties. One day orders ham toastie. Never

came back. Died. Of miximatoasties" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0839

"Which drink do seals hate most? Canadian club on the rocks!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0840

Pandas have two eyes, terrorists have two eyes. Coincidence? I think not. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0841

I ran over a squirrel today... with a lawnmower... it was really tough getting that lawnmower up

in that tree. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0842

Today was weird; I woke up this morning and I could feel tension mounting....he`s my dog

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0843

"What's the best way to skin a cat? With really big Rizlas." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0844

"My neighbor’s new dog wouldn't stop barking. So I kicked him with my Hush Puppies."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0845

"Man sells his award winning Doberman pinscher for 20. When asked why he replied. It attacked

and killed my mother-in-law last week and I don't need it anymore." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0846

"First man: Do you have any hobbies? Second man: I collect badgers. First man: Do you have

many? Second man: One more and I'll have the whole set." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0847

"Three ninjas are comparing their ability and boasting who is the best the first says “Watch this”

and does a chop in the air and a bee falls to the ground - chopped in half. The second says “That's

nothing, watch this” Does a chop in the air and a fly falls to the ground - chopped in half. The

third also does a chop in the air towards a tiny gnat which then just flies off. The first two laugh

and say that he didn't chop it in half. “I know” the third ninja replies “...but he'll never have

Children”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0848

"A lion goes into a restaurant and orders a steak. The waiter asks, 'How would you like it?' The

lion replies, 'RAW!'" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0849

OK so if I adopt a jaguar for 3 a month and adopt an African child for 2 a month, can I put them

both in the same room to see which the better investment is? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0850

"My pet beaver just died Dam..." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0851

"My wife has accused me of being addicted to petty theft. I currently have fifteen dogs, thirteen

cats and seven lizards." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0852

"I keep having flashbacks about plastic underwater castles. Honestly, I've got the memory of a

goldfish." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0853

It’s never good when my cat thinks outside the box. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0854

"What is the worst thing that can happen to a sleeping bag? The runs." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0855

I can't help but wonder: What's so great about a bee's knee? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0856

Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotamus or just a really cool optimums? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0857

"I just started doing cage fighting but I'm going to give up. My parrot is too quick for me and

keeps biting!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0858

"A dog goes into a bar, walks up to the barman and says “alright mate, pint please.” The barman

says “WOW! That's amazing! Stay there, I have to show you to my friend.” The dog replies

“Why, does he need a plumber?”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0859

"BBC News: Anti-Semetic cats stage Military Coup in Germany. It's the Furred Reich."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0860

"News: Football fan arrested for attacking police horse in football violence. Fan is in custody, the

horse is unharmed and in a stable condition." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0861

So many kittens, so few recipes. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0862

"Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To

stamp out burning ducks." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0863

"It takes about fifteen mink to make a small ladies glove, that's because they aren't very good at

sewing." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0864

"On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field. One says, “Boy, its mighty cold out

here!” The other says, “Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0865

"Save money on hair restorer. Instead simply paint a series of little rabbits on your bald head.

From a distance they look like hares." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0866

"So what separates us from the Animals? I think it's the wardens at the zoo." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0867

"Owls don't make love in the rain. Apparently it's too wet to woo..." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0868

"Unemployed? Make ends meet this Christmas by comparing muskrats" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0869

Sometimes I try to squeeze through cat flaps, but it hurts them so they start scratching. Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0870

I don't see why Pamela Anderson is a member of PETA, she's been torturing her beaver for

years. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0871

"My dog has just learnt the basics of a rollover. He's one step closer to presenting the National

Lottery." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0872

"What does a bird do without a break? Succeed." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0873

"A guy walks into a crowded bar with a little spider on his shoulder. Everyone else laughs, but

he says “This spider is stronger than any of you!” One bloke says “Prove it!” “Right; my spider

will pick up this bar stool.” He puts the spider on the floor and the spider picks it up. Everyone is

amazed, but then he says “Now the spider will pick up a table.” And the spider easily picks up

the table. Everyone applauds, and the guy says “That's nothing - this tiny spider will lift up the

whole bar!” With a great effort, it picks up the bar. “What else can it do?” one of the blokes asks.

So the man says “For the grand finale - it will pick up the bar with every one of us on it!”

Everyone starts to get onto the bar until everyone in there is standing on it. The spider starts

walking towards the bar with an air of determination. Then, a man walks into the bar, sees the

spider on the floor walking towards the bar, and steps on it, saying “You bunch of wimps, scared

of a little spider.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0874

"I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop."... Thought the Dog. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0875

"Went on a Family holiday to Africa last year. My mother-in-law got bitten by a black mamba.

Terrible thing to watch a snake dying in agony." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0876

"I was cooking dinner earlier, and I noticed on the packet “RSPCA Monitored.” I thought it's

obviously not 24 hours, because at some point it had its head ripped off, then was marinated in a

lemon and black pepper sauce." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0877

Animal catapults. Because nothing says 'GET OFF MY LAND!' like a 70mph cow. Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0878

"What's the Difference between a sniper with Parkinson's and a constipated owl? One can shoot

but can't hit." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0879

"Thank God unicorns weren't black ... Otherwise they'd have been known as horses that just

stabbed people." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0880

"I used to make any woman scream with only 3 inches... But then my pet scorpion died."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0881

"Get a rhino... put it on a diet... BOOM! Unicorn." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0882

"A farmer this week spent 231,000 on a sheep. In the farming community this is called an

investment. In Aberdeen this is called an expensive date." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0883

"My mate's cat was stolen, skinned and made into a school bag. He's coming to terms with it."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0884

"My daughter recently got a chihuahua, and my wife said it would be nice if we bought her some

things for the dog. Clearly we had very different ideas; she came home with a chewy toy, I came

home with a rat trap." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0885

"I’ve just got home and there she is.......... On the couch, naked, waiting to show me love. God I

love my dog." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0886

"What do you get if you lie under a cow? A pat on the head." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0887

"Did you know, if you had a room full of monkeys and typewriters, at some point... ..The

RSPCA would come and tell you to stop this?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0888

"I phoned up a couple about the reward for their lost cat today. But apparently they're not

offering anything for just the skin." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0889

Why don't they make cat flavored dog food Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0890

When they say "9/10 forest fires are caused by careless people" all I hear is "somewhere out

there, a bear knows how to use matches." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0891

A woman seated at the cinema was surprised to find, sitting in the two adjacent seats, a man with

his arm around a sheep dog. All through the movie, she noticed the dog watching the film with

apparent understanding snarling when the villain appeared, yelping happily at the funny parts. At

the end of the movie, she tapped the man on the shoulder. "I just can't get over how much your

dog enjoyed the movie," she said. "It surprises me too," the man answered, "He absolutely

despised the book." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0892

"Subject: Worst joke ever a man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to

clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To

show the others whose boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be

best pleased; He disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving

on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, He is attacked by the chimps who pelt him

with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed

them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the

lion enclosure. He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South African

bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to

a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat

anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to the other lions and says

'What's the food like here?' The lions say: 'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps

with mushy bees.'" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0893

"What's the biggest use of leather? To hold cows together" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0894

"My pet moth died in my arms I tried saying “Don't go into the light”, but it wouldn't listen"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0895

"I took my dog down the vet's this morning. As soon as I walked in there I started sobbing

uncontrollably cost I knew he wouldn't be going home with me. I'll probably be okay later when

my wife picks him up." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0896

"I went to watch that film 'Zoo lander' last night. I was very disappointed. I was expecting it to

be like 'Highlander' except with Giraffes." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0897

"The Daily Mail carries the headline: “Boy, 2, fighting for life after being mauled by two

Staffordshire bull terriers”. I'm thinking he may have had more success fighting for his life

before they had mauled him." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0898

I'm afraid that my cat might be on drugs, all it ever says is 'Meow Meow'. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0899

"What do you get when you cross a duck and a pig? A media circus that focuses on the morals

and ethics of genetic engineering." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0900

"My girlfriend has a body like a snake; smooth, thin and usually covered in my slime. Plus she's

got no arms or legs." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0901

"How many kangaroos does it take to fix a leaky water main? None, a kangaroo has neither the

intelligence nor dexterity to do any kind of plumbing work. At best it could try to locate the

source of the leak by jumping around, but even then it would be hard pushed to actually do

anything about it." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0902

"Killed a slug with a knife today, where it found that knife I still don't know." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0903

"I love the new sport of fighting marsupials with each other. Mortal Wombat." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0904

"I wanted to get a dog for my son. But the pet shop doesn't do swaps." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0905

"What do you call a grizzly with no teeth? A Gummy Bear" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0906

"As the snake sunk its fangs into my hand, I screamed to the safari guide, “please say it’s been

de-venomed!” “Of course it has!” He said. “How can you be sure?” I asked in a panic. “Because

it’s just injected it all into your hand,” he replied." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0907

"Step one: Buy a sheep. Step two: Name it “Relation”. Now you have a relation sheep."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0908

"Why did the French chicken cross the road? To surrender to the other side." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0909

"What do you call a cat with no legs? Dog food." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0910

"I've just subscribed to Sheep Farmers weekly magazine. I was delighted to receive a free pen."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0911

"Me and the wife are going to be on channel 4's 'It's me or the Dog' next week or as I'm calling it,

'Which Dog should I Keep?'" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0912

I’ve killed thousands of whales in my time but I don't like to harpoon about it. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0913

"I was over the park the other day and I see a sign that said “No dog fouling”. So I made sure I

timed my tackle to perfection." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0914

"Zoo officials say that a female tiger has killed her mate at London zoo. It was a rare attack that

came after months of simmering jealousy in a feline love triangle. Authorities say if the

allegations are true, the tiger could spend the rest of her life behind bars." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0915

"I got rid of a huge fly with my slipper today. I said, “you can have this slipper if you get out of

my house.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0916

"What do you get if you cross an African with a chimpanzee? Ten years imprisonment for

contravening section 3 of the Human Fertilization and Embryology Act 1990." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0917

"I spent three hours last night constructing a cricket bat, It's the strangest creature I've ever

seen..." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0918

Owls really are wise. I just asked one what 235 times 12 was and he said 2820. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0919

"What's got 4 legs and goes “boo”? A cow with a cold." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0920

"What is a Dog? 1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture

in the house. 2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you

when you're in the same room. 3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 4) They

growl when they're not happy. 5) When you want to play, they want to play. 6) When you want

to be alone, they want to play. 7) They are great at begging. 8) They will love you forever if you

rub their tummies. 9) They leave their toys everywhere. 10) They do disgusting things with their

mouths and then try to give you a kiss. Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0921

"I put a “Beware of the Dog” sign on my front gate recently. I don't have a dog but looking at

people walking up the path is a lot more entertaining now." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0922

I thought beavers were meant to be good swimmers... Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0923

"I put a wasp through the scanner at Tesco's. Cost me 27p." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0924

"Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To show he has guts." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0925

"I'm new to farming, but I recently purchased several thousand battery hens based upon a sound

business plan and excellent return on investment figures. I don't wish to waste any money, so

before I release any further funds, could somebody tell me whether chickens take AA's or

AAA's? Thanks." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0926

"I was looking through the Auto Trader at cars trying to decide what car we should get next. My

wife said, “Why don't we get an Estate for the dogs?” I said, “What for? They can't drive.”"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0927

I took my kid down to the local park this morning, I was thrown out, apparently baby goats

aren’t allowed to graze there Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0928

"I read a headline in the newspaper today 'Tiger savages trainer' I thought to myself, Tiger

Woods is getting out of hand now first the cheating and now this." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0929

"I bought some dog biscuits yesterday. Labrador flavor." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0930

People like the accent of Wales, i much prefer dolphins myself Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0931

"I gave my crazy little reptile some Prozac the other nite. Now he's a calmer Chameleon."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0932

"Help, I think I've just drowned my Turtle . . Or Tortoise or whatever it is." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0933

"BBC News - Whale song spreads across ocean in other news - Adele goes on a cruise" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 0934

"What do you call an Insect with an afro? A Frisbee" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0935

"What did the horse say to the one-legged jockey?? How are ya getting on??" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0936

What happens if you give Red Bull to a bird? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0937

"What's the Difference between a Mosquito and a Mosque ? One spreads fear among the local

population and causes the senseless deaths of countless innocent people, and the other's an

insect." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0938

"I got told that chameleons blend to look like their surroundings. Well I put mine in a blender

and it looks nothing like the kitchen wall." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0939

"Our pet cat loves getting strokes. The kids love his lop-sided face, too." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0940

"I was watching “Finding Bigfoot” on Animal Planet. I'm guessing these guys aren't getting paid

per Bigfoot found." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0941

"I lost the dog whilst out for a run with him this morning. 'Why didn't you take the lead?' asked

the wife when I came home. 'I did', I replied, 'but he overtook me after 100 yards & disappeared

into the distance...'" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0942

"Cats look down on us Dogs look up to us Pigs treat us as equal ------------------------- Winston

Churchill" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0943

"I’ve realized my wife has a lot in common with turkeys. Too much skin around the neck and

they both like to gobble." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0944

Universal truth: You can't respect a man who carries a dog. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0945

"So when a chameleon becomes really aggressive and angry it changes color to black? Surprise,

surprise..." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0946

"I watched a DVD of Steve Irwin choking the animal that would eventually kill him. It was a Blu

Ray" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0947

Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0948

"A duck walks into a bar.... it was then collected and released in a nearby park." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0949

"I saw a vet in his surgery with his hand up a sheep. “Lambing it?” I asked “No,” he said,

knocking the floor, “its real wood.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0950

"Never milk a joke. Unless it's a cow joke." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0951

"I got one of those 'Cash for Gold' envelopes in the post this morning. So I posted it back to them

this afternoon. Wonder what they'll give me for my fish?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0952

"I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come

back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You are

obviously not listening.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0953

Has anyone else noticed the lack of stray dogs and abundance of kebab shops? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0954

"I got my results today... My wife has left me and I got custody of the dog... RESULT !"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0955

People that walk their dogs around Children's parks are not fooling anyone. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0956

I punched a blind man on the nose earlier. That'll teach his dog to look at my wife.

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0957

"What do you call an Albino Gorilla? Honkey Kong." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0958

"If your horse goes too fast. You mustang on." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0959

"The doctor said to the patient, “You owe your life to that dog. It pulled you to safety.” The

patient asked, “Where is the dog now?” “Unfortunately there's no sign of the dog - or your

Arm.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0960

My pet turtle has been trying to break dance on its back for three weeks now. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0961

My cat hates Cyanide and I hate my cat. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0962

"I have a foolproof way to stop women ever denting my pride. I've banned them all from driving

in my safari park." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0963

"I've just found out that my favorite fish has got cancer. The vet said it's a malignant tuna."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0964

My girlfriend lost her rabbit yesterday so she asked me to help look for it, she doesn't have to

fear I found a lucky rabbits foot on my drive yesterday. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0965

"I just received a letter from the RSPCA regarding my mistreatment of Animals. I would

respond, but I can't find my quill." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0966

"Why are they using blacks instead of laboratory rats in experiments now? They breed faster and

you don't get too attached to them!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0967

"The other week I went to a National Birds of Prey center and saw a variety of hawks, eagles and

owls. When we left my girlfriend asked me which bird was my favorite. I said “The one with the

mini skirt and nice cleavage” I'm now single" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0968

"What is black, white and red? A penguin with a red hat on its head. The hat is at a jaunty angle

and looks really cute." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0969

Animals may be our friends. But they won't pick you up at the airport. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0970

Whole milk is good but I prefer milk that came from the udder Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0971

"What do my wife and veterinary gloves have in common? They are both stuck up cows"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0972

"I was watching my dog scratching earlier. I didn't want to stop him but he was ruining my

records." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0973

"My horse has been banned from racing on suspicion I was giving him steroids. Apparently

another horse looked at him funny in the paddock and he ripped off a piece of fence and started

beating him with it." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0974

"What do elephants use as tampons? Sheep!! Why do elephants have long trunks? Because sheep

don't have string!!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0975

"What do Animal rights activists eat? PETA bread." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0976

"It's just cost me two grand to get my girlfriend two pairs of shoes and have her nails done. I

suppose I should expect nothing less when dating a horse." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0977

"I recently caught elephantiasis. It’s not good but at least my amnesia is cured" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0978

I’m going to encourage my cat to live a more active life by telling it that it died peacefully 8

times in its sleep Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0979

"I came down stairs this morning and found my dog stuck on the fridge. I think he's eaten the

magnets again." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0980

Do Jellyfish have Jelly babies? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0981

"I've just got a Magicians dog, He's an Abracalabrador" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0982

"I came home from work this evening and the dog was dead on the floor. I guess six months on

an oil rig broke his heart!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0983

"I cut an owls vocal chords the other day.... It didn't give a hoot." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0984

There are reports of an unidentified gang of out of control dogs causing trouble in Central

London, authorities have no leads. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0985

"I got asked by some crustiest if I'd like to join their hunt saboteurs group and get one over the

hooray Henrys on horseback. Naturally, being a caring kind of person and willing to help out

people in their crusades, I accepted. The next day I got out there way before anyone else and shot

the fox." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0986

"What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot? A walkie talkie." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0987

I'm bringing out a new range of pet foods with flavors they'll really love. For cats there will be:

Mouse, Canary, Frog and Goldfish and for dogs; Rabbit, Cat, Sheep with an extra special flavor

for pit bulls and Rottweiler’s "Grandchild's Face" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0988

I'm going to get a tattoo on my inner thigh of a squirrel worshipping my nuts. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0989

I hate lazy rattlesnakes because you never know where they are... Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0990

"I went duck shooting today. I spotted a duck swimming along and quickly took my aim, and just

as I was about to pull the trigger I looked behind it and noticed six cute little ducklings

swimming behind her. Luckily I had seven bullets." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0991

"My parents had strange views when it came to dogs they said we could get a puppy and if we

didn't like it we can just abandon it, my foster parents however..." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0992

"Scientific evidence suggests that feeding chocolate to dogs is highly dangerous and must be

avoided. From experience, I can say that this is true from what happened to my own dog. He

choked on a rolo." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0993

"An undercover investigation at a dogs4us puppy farm has revealed some of the dogs are

malnourished and scruffy. If the investigative team want to see some really scruffy growlers,

might I recommend a night out in Skipton." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0994

"Apparently, baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day. Do worms have feet then?"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0995

"Did you know that giraffes can clean their own ears with their 21 inch tongue? Although Mrs.

Giraffe had other plans for tonight" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0996

"Went to the zoo the other day some cuddly black and white bears in stockings were going

berserk it was sheer pandemonium." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0997

The worst bit about buying a zebra is the check out. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0998

"I see two Pheasants racing to get the last few seeds from the bird feed when one fell over. The

other pheasant stopped and waited till the first got back on its feet. I thought to myself “fair

game”." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 0999

"A bull has been arrested for going berserk in a China shop. He's denied all charges." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1000

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1001

"Pigeon: “Do you think I should say 'coo, coo, coo?”Sparrow: “It's your call.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1002

Scared of spiders? Do what I do.. Imagine them all naked Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1003

"I redecorated my birds’ bathroom last night. I put a copy of The Daily Telegraph at the bottom

of her cage." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1004

"I hear the police have set up a hot dog stand outside their station in Nottingham? Haven't they

got anything better to do?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1005

"What are we going to get our kids now the go hamsters are said to have cancerous toxins in

them? If only there was something hamster like that moved about, we could even put it in a ball

to run around the front room and at night it could sleep in a cage. If only..." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1006

In a fight between me and a hedgehog I think it would be close, but he'd win on points. Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1007

"What do ya get when you cross a road with a chicken? Questioned" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1008

If I get my cat chipped, does that mean it can eat dog food? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1009

Turned on my Satnav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that? Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1010

"Say 'No!' to Animals in Circuses. And, if that doesn't work, beat them and smack them with

your whip so they'll know who's boss!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1011

"I've forgotten the name of my homing pigeon. But I'm sure it will come back to Me." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1012

"Just been to a seminar discussing mythical Welsh creatures. It didn't half drag on." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1013

"Sky Sports News, 'Cats close on Korean'... Haha, revenge!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1014

Sometimes when I’m bored, I like to ring the owner of a missing animal to let them know i can't

find it. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1015

"Grab your goat, we’ve pulled." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1016

"What do you get if you put a zebra in a washing machine? A donkey." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1017

"Researchers said today .....’Chimpanzees deal with death like humans' what a load of

twaddle........ I've never seen a chimpanzee post a dead human joke on Sickipedia yet!" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1018

PIGS. Avoid having your head on a dinner table by not eating whole apples. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1019

Is it more offensive telling my black friend that she smells like my dog, or telling my dog she

smells like a black person? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1020

"BBC News: 'New Mini-Species of Tiger discovered!' So just a cat, then?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1021

"What do you call a sick crocodile? An alligator." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1022

“"Dad where's the cat?” “Eat your soup darling”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1023

"Just bought a new pair of boxer shorts. I spoil that dog something rotten." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1024

I have a great idea for next year's New Year celebrations. I'm going to put 20 dogs in one of the

London eye's pods and watch the fireworks go off. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1025

"What does a toothless budgie do? Succeeds" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1026

"Either-or," said the confused donkey. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1027

"I won a rabbit at the fair once, but it drowned in the bag before I got it home." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1028

"Thought I saw Batman's shadow in our house earlier.. Turns out our German Sheppard was sat

at the top of the stairs" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1029

"Life insurance for cats Offer. Buy 2, get 7 free." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1030

"Zebras are serious Animals. They're very black and white about things." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1031

"Give a man a fish, and he will probably raise several questions about your mental well-being."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1032

"A Baptist missionary in Africa was just walking when he heard the ominous padding of a lion

behind him. “Oh Lord,” prayed the missionary, “Grant in thy goodness that the lion walking

behind me is a good Christian lion.” In the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion

praying too: “Oh Lord,” he prayed, “I thank thee for the meal which I am about to enjoy”"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1033

Sorry Polar Bears, survival of the fittest and all that. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1034

I was in the bath the other day and I thought, are ducks even yellow? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1035

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their

lives." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1036

"I thought I'd found a 9-legged spider today. Turned out to be an ordinary spider with an

erection." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1037

"So in 50 year we won't be able to see penguins unless it's on television due to climate change.

The more things change, the more they stay the same then." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1038

Saying that my cat died of natural causes is just a nice way of saying he got stuck in a tree and

froze to death. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1039

"- Why do tigers live on their own whereas lions live in prides? - Because Lions aren't ginger."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1040

"I was at the beach when I saw a bloke with a donkey and a sign reading “Rides from 2.50” So I

paid my money and jumped on. We got about halfway down the promenade and I was loving it. I

didn't want it to end but he said he had to get back to his donkey." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1041

Just before Christmas last year my gran was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, it was terrible

news to get just before the festive season, but on the plus side I've got her the same present this

year. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1042

"I had a dog: half-pit bull, half-poodle. Not much of a guard dog, but a vicious gossip." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1043

"There are two cows in a field. Which one is on holiday? The one with the wee calf." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1044

“"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.” Try telling that to

the owner of the little terrier, down the road, that just had its throat ripped out by a Rottweiler."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1045

"My Father said that he is so fed up of all my pets, the next one I get he is going to drown.

I'm seriously considering getting a shark." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 104

"BEWARE.... Clothing for bee's" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1047

"Dear Moths, Okay so you live for about a week. Why don't you go see the London eye or see

how far you can get round the world? Please stop hanging around in my bedroom and also

feeling the necessity to nose dive at my phone as I type this... Thanks" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1048

"It is advised that if confronted by a bear you should drop to the ground, stay silent, act

submissively and wait until its lost interest in you before you move. Respect to the blatant rapist,

who clearly wanders forests dressed in a bear suit, for releasing this 'Advice' to the world."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1049

"If you ever get attacked by a tiger just throw moisturizer cream at him. Blocks the paws."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1050

"I saw two cats fighting on my way to work this morning. My van broke it up." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1051

"Did you hear about the panda who lost his food? He was bamboozled..." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1052

"My six-year-old got savaged by two greyhounds last night. You can't really blame the dogs - he

has a hare lip." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1053

When playing paper, rock, scissors against a dog, always go with scissors. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1054

"Two dogs are having a walk through the park. One turns to the other and says... “Do you use a

rubber when you make love?” To which the other replies: “Yeah you Rex?”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1055

"People often ask me why I find wild pigs uninteresting. To be honest they just boar Me."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1056

"What's yellow and tastes of bananas? Monkey sick." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1057

A man walks into a pub with his dog and bets the barman 500 that the dog can talk. The barman

takes him up on the offer thinking the man was mad. So he says to his dog "What is on the top of

a house?" and the dog says "ROOF!" then the man says "what’s my wife’s name?" then the dog

says "RUTH! Then the man asks "what is the most important person on a football pitch?" and the

dog says "REF!" Needless to say the barman throws them both out and as they're laying on the

pavement the dog looks at the owner and says "Defender?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1058

"I saw a seahorse for the first time in my life today. Somebody flooded the stables." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1059

"I pushed a farmers pig off the road away from an oncoming car today. Really saved his bacon."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1060

"Just bought a new pet stone. It rocks!!!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1061

"I recently bought an elephant, so I could scare my wife with it when she gets home.

I've got the elephant of surprise." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1062

"I can’t help but feel sorry for those dying souls floating around in that putrid horrible infected

water! Poor rats!!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1063

"What do you call the red mushy stuff under a elephants feet? Slow natives." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1064

"An Elephant came up to me and started speaking nonsense I said “I can't listen to this mumbo,

jumbo”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1065

If seal is broken... Please inform the zoo keeper. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1066

"So, a cat and a dog go into a Chinese takeaway... Not all of them, obviously. They also use pork

and chicken." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1067

Has anyone else realized that when you run into a spider web you suddenly turn into a ninja?

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1068

"You can't out run, out climb or out swim a bear. So always go into the woods with someone you

can out run, out climb and out swim." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1069

"Meant to shake my Etch-A-Sketch, but accidentally grabbed the ant farm. Ants are now busy

planning a disaster relief telethon." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1070

"What do you call a whale with no legs? A whale" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1071

A goldfish swims into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long faces?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1072

"My neighbor’s chocolate labrador really confused me. It tasted of chicken." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1073

"I've been trying to breed male rabbits for racing. I'll do anything to make a fast buck." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1074

"What’s the best thing about having a black man in the Whitehouse? One less mugger on the

streets..." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1075

"I was talking to a Barn Owl last night when I happened to mention that I had just got engaged.

“You twit. To Who? He said" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1076

"I managed to get the most magnificent bird to come to my house the other day. I think it was the

trail of breadcrumbs that did it." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1077

"What do Elephants have for their dinner? An hour, just like the rest of the Animals." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1078

"What's big, grey and makes you jump? The elephant of surprise." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1079

"A leopard went to see an optometrist because he thought he needed an eye exam. “Every time I

look at my wife,” he worriedly told the optometrist, “I see spots before my eyes.” “So what's to

worry about?” replied the doctor. “You're a leopard, aren't you?” “What's that got to do with

anything?” replied the patient. “My wife is a zebra.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1080

"I'm very grateful to my elderly neighbor for taking my dog out for a run every day. I'm

surprised she's never noticed me tie the lead onto the back of her mobility scooter." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1081

"How do you sneak a gorilla out of the zoo? Dress it up in a gorilla costume." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1082

"Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Personally, I'm going with the egg; in my experience,

most birds take forever to come" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1083

"*For Sale* fully grown male African Lion. Slightly smelly, very sharp teeth and claws. Usually

good with kids. Reluctant sale... due to multiple Family bereavement." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1084

"My wife said to me “I think the cat wants to go out.” “How could you possibly know that?” I

sneered “Hes put his hat and coat on”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1085

If your girlfriend's cat gets eaten by an angry pitbull terrier, gently singing "The Circle of Life"

into her ear WON'T cheer her up. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1086

"FREE TO GOOD HOME: I recently bought a beautiful kitten, but it turns out my 1 year old

daughter is allergic to her. Obviously I can no longer keep her, hence the reason I'm getting rid

of her. She has lovely black hair and is very playful and friendly, great with people. She is

completely house trained and up to date on all papers and shots. All in all the she's great, it’s sad

that she has to go but, I'm sure she will make others happy and she's just starting to walk and say

her first words." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1087

"I like to give pigs red bull. Just to make a lot more things seem true." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1088

"My wife bugged me to wash the cat the other day until I finally gave in. But after I'd done it I

couldn't understand why she was so livid. I thought that she'd be made up that I'd finally figured

out how to use the washing machine." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1089

"Two Owls playing pool.... First owl takes his shot and fouls as his wing brushes against a ball..

Being an honest owl he say's to his mate “Two hits” The second owl replies “Two hits To

Who?”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1090

"Metro Headline this week: “MONKEYS COULD BE TRAINED TO SIT TODAYS A

LEVELS” Ok, this might be new to me - but how many monkeys are there in the world who can

read and write, discounting the Jackson Family? More to the point, even if said monkeys *could*

read and write, I'd love to see one try and interpret Shakespeare. So no, Metro, A monkey

couldn't." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1091

"My mate told me I shouldn't talk to my dog like he's a person, or “he might get the wrong idea”.

So I told him that if he's capable of having these kind of ideas then he deserves to be spoken to

like a person, thus creating a paradox." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1092

"'Save the Polar Bears' Why? If we were in their position, what would they do. Eat us." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1093

I couldn't afford the Vet's bill to neuter the dog, so I just tied a wire brush to my trouser leg.

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1094

"Just got to go feed the cat ...To something that eats cats." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1095

"I was on a safari in Africa last week and the tour guide was naming different animal groups.

“That’s a pride of lions” He said A tower of giraffes A flight of birds Then he said herd of

elephants... So I said yes" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1096

A dog isn't just for Christmas... Get one for your birthday too! Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1097

"What is a Muslim monkey A Qur'an-utan" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1098

"As part of a pre-emptive strike on Canada, the US have sent in their special forces. Silly really,

because the Canadians are expert at clubbing seals." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1099

"Knock knock Who's there? Kanger Kanger who? Boing boing boing" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1100

"Crouching tiger, hidden dragon. The day out at the zoo wasn't a success." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1101

"Definition of the use for a Wok. What you two at a Rabbit when you don't have a Wifle."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1102

Animals may be our friends but they won’t pick you up at the airport. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1103

"Picked up this hot chick yesterday, She was fresh out of the incubator." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1104

"My Wife said “Why's our new dog ripping that piece of headwear apart?” I replied “I think it's

just a bad hat he chewed”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1105

I reckon the anterior leg joints of Bombus Terrestris are the bees knees. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1106

"My parents were dog stylists before they started traveling the world preaching the word of God.

As a child, it was always difficult explaining to people that my folks were into doggie style

BEFORE the missionary position." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1107

"They say cats always land on their feet Not if they're dead..." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1108

"I have 2 cats, but only one eats Whiskers. The other has a bald face." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1109

"I remember the first time my father taught me about the birds and the bees. In fact, he still

doesn't shut up about them! It's a nightmare being the only son of Bill Oddie." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1110

"I was sitting in the park today watching the birds. A crow landed, followed soon by another.

They looked around as if hoping that other crows would join them, but none did, so they flew off

again. Next thing I know, I'm in court as a witness to an attempted murder." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1111

"BBC News: “What dogs and cats can teach humans about life....” That we must have a serious

lack of teachers?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1112

"I once lived in a duck pond but had to move out. I couldn't stand all the bills." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1113

"I was talking to a wildlife expert earlier. I said, “how do you tell the Difference between a male

and a female hedgehog?” He said, “easy: the males have got loads of holes on their chest and a

pained look on their face.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1114

Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1115

"I went fishing today, I caught all kinds of fish. Until they threw me out the aquarium." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1116

"I was hiking in the mountains today, when I see a guy sprinkling pink powder all around his

garden. I asked him 'What is that for?' He then replied 'its anti-bear powder, it keeps them away

from my house.' 'But you live in England, there are no bears for thousands of miles!' He replied '

I know, works a treat doesn't it?'" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1117

"What do you get if your baby cat falls into your deep fat fryer? Unlucky fried kitten" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1118

Bought an Ant farm, don't know where I'm going to get tractors that small. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1119

"Don't be resist, be like a panda: Black, Asian and White ...so you can pick cotton, put together

an iPod and rule the world." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1120

What drugs do ducks sell? Quack Cocaine. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1121

"Why did the fish cross the road? He saw the pelican crossing." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1122

"I bought a dog the other day and they told me it was a pedigree. When I got it home, I wasn't

sure if it was a 100% pedigree dog, so I asked for other people's opinions they all said the same,

they were not sure. So, I took it back to the pet shop and it turns out it's a borderline collie."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1123

"There's a big hoohaa about cloned cows getting into the food chain. To be honest, being able to

tell one steak from another is not high on my list of priorities." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1124

Life is like watching a dog lick himself...full of impossible Dreams Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1125

"What's worse than finding a spider in your bedroom? Losing a spider in your bedroom."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1126

"I and the Family had the most traumatic experience walking on the beach. We got attacked by

dark-blue sea-lions with automatic weapons. My guess is that they must have been Navy Seals."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1127

"Three Animals were having a huge argument over who was the best. The first, a hawk, claimed

that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey

had not a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. None in the forest dared to

challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off

any creature. As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all,

hawk, lion and stinker" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1128

"What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? Banned from the local nature

reserve." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1129

"Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because it was chicken" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1130

"I don't know why everyone tarnishes Oriental folk with the same brush. My neighbors are

Chinese and when they came for dinner they were mortified that I cooked them a cat. Maybe

because it was theirs." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1131

The Higgs Bison, smallest known buffalo known to man. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1132

"What has 6 legs and an arm? Me fisting a horse." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1133

"I use to have terrible trouble with Mole's digging holes in my back garden, but I solved that

now, I hid the shovels!!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1134

As a kid, I always wanted to be a web designer... or, as we called them then, a spider. Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1135

"How many PETA members does it take to change a light bulb? None, PETA will never change

anything." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1136

"I can shoot deer with either arm. I'm ambidextrous." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1137

"My wife was disgusted when i showed her my turtle head. In my defense I couldn't afford a

whole one." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1138

"I used to enjoy playing Pokémon with my friends as a child, so last week I got the gang back

together and we had a Pokémon battle. However, the man from the RSPCA didn't see it that way

and we were jailed for dog fighting." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1139

"You have to admire Giraffe's... No matter what, they always walk around with their heads held

high." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1140

"Grimsby's zoo are bragging they have the best looking chameleon in the world. I can't see it

myself." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1141

"How do you interrogate a moth? Point a turned off torch in its face." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1142

"I gave my wife crabs. They'll keep her company at the bottom of our garden pond." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1143

I've realized today that no matter how hard you try, you cannot baptize cats. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1144

"When I was in Primary School I was given the honour of taking the school Guinea Pig home. It

took seven months and a nationwide search but I finally made it to Guinea." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1145

"I ran over my dog with the lawnmower yesterday. He's ok now though, after a little retail

therapy." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1146

I drink to forget... which can take forever when you're an elephant. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1147

"My wife just shoved her hand inside a Goat to get out the baby. Ewe" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1148

"What do you call a horse with 3 legs? Glue." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1149

"Took my disobedient German Shepherd to a dog shouter. It's basically just an impatient dog

whisperer." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1150

"I'm a retired boxer and I'm thinking of taking on golf as a hobby. Although many believe I

should go into acting because apparently I'm the only dog they know that can talk." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1151

The first rule of Animal Abusers Club is: you do not let the cat out of the bag. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1152

"Lucky, the world’s oldest sheep, has died age 23. Well, you can only wrap them up in cotton

wool for so long." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1153

"Golden Retriever Saves 11-Year-Old Boy From Cougar.” Good for the dog! These women

really need to find men their own age." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1154

"Phew! Just spent half an hour haggling with the vet over how much to have the dog put down,

and when I went back out to the car it was dead." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1155

"Why did the squirrel swim on his back? To keep its nuts dry" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1156

"I phoned up the vet and said, “I am rather concerned about my pet, Millie. Every time the

postman comes to my house, she barks.” The vet said, “Don't worry about it, it is very normal for

dogs to bark at postmen.” I said, “I know that, but Millie is my cat.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1157

"How do you know if a police horse is lame? Its hooves go Good Clop, Bad Clop." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1158

"Years ago I bought, as he described it, 'the World's biggest horse' from Jeremy Beadle.

Although I'm not sure his measurement of 45 hands was entirely accurate." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1159

"I bought a chameleon from the pet shop the other day I haven't seen it since" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1160

"My wife's Chihuahua took a nasty dump on the carpet and I stepped on it. Now I got to get a

new one before she gets home." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1161

"What's the Difference between a bird and a fly? A bird can fly, a fly can't bird." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1162

I’ve just thought, chicken legs are a chickens legs and chicken wings are a chickens wings, i am

never eating chicken nuggets again!! Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1163

"A lizard is reported to have escaped tonight from London Zoo. Police are monitoring the

situation" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1164

"I'm black and I live in a purely white area, but this isn't a problem, in fact the community is very

close and in hard times we all come together to see it through. I'm a penguin, and I'm against

racism." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1165

"A bear walks into a bar and goes, “I'll have................. a beer, please.” The barman says, “Sure,

but why the big pause?” The bear replies: “I've got Alzheimer's.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1166

Africa, the only place in the world where you get a pint of flies and your beer lands in it

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1167

"Can we not just settle this once and for all and give Paul the Octopus two boxes? White and

black." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1168

"I think my puppy may have a sore throat, He's a little husky." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1169

"What do you call a spider with no legs? A currant." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1170

"Just read the booklet to claim Jobseeker's Allowance. Without a word of a lie, it says at the

bottom “If you need help to read this booklet, please call (this number)”. To be honest, if you

need help to read that booklet, there isn't a chance that you're getting a job anyway." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1171

Pet owners: Rats make ideal 'large print' mice for short-sighted cats Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1172

"My wife was going away for the weekend, and as she left she kissed me on the cheek and said:

“Be Good”. As she closed the door, I chuckled under my breath; “While the cats away, the mice

can play.” I spent all weekend playing with my pet mice. It was lovely." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1173

I can't stand my 3 legged dog anymore. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1174

"Our dog is 'in season' apparently. Why the wife insists her being the height of fashion, I'll never

know." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1175

"I was trying to learn dolphin the other day I was finding it really tough Then it just clicked"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1176

"Sky Sports: “McCArthy loving Wolves life” That's all well and good, but shouldn't he be

focusing on pre-season training rather than running in packs and howling at the moon?"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1177

"Chickens have such a heightened panic reflex that even after their heads have been cut off their

first reaction is to run away. Just remind me again; who invented the guillotine?" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1178

"What do you call a fish with no eyes? Amblyopsidae, which are commonly referred to as

cavefish, blindfish, or swamp fish. They are small freshwater fish found in the dark

environments of swamps, caves, and some deep lakes. They are known for having no eyesight. I

found one and named it fish." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1179

"What’s worse than waking up with a lot of pubic hair stuck between your teeth? Waking up

with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth... I thought the worst thing

was waking up with skid marks on your tongue?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1180

"Give a dog a bone, and it'll have fun for a week. Teach a dog to bone...." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1181

"A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and

asked what he was doing with the chimp. “I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no Children;

so he's going to live with us - just like one of the Family. He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll

even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife.” “But what about the smell?” the friend asked.

“Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1182

"Apparently the World's most famous octopus died today. I must be incredibly dim because I

haven't got a clue who the second most famous octopus is." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1183

A clown was killed at work today . . . freak accident! Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1184

"I had enough of my girlfriend and her sarcastic “bird” comments. She would say things like,

“You eat like a bird, you're a birdbrain, etc.”. As I walked out she said “Where are you going to

go?” “Not sure, I’ll probably head south”." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1185

"I went for a CAT scan earlier. I'm now being prosecuted by the RSPCA and banned from the

library for the misuse of their photocopier. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1186

"I walked into the bedroom with a jar of honey. “Oooh, Are you going to smear it all over my

naked body?” asked my wife. “That's a bit kinky!” “Daft bint,” I thought, “I'm just going to use

you as bait to try and get rid of that wasp’s nest.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1187

"I saw this baby sheep covered in plastic. Laminated." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1188

For a cow, spilled milk is a serious medical condition and it's perfectly normal to cry. Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1189

"What does a perverted frog say? Rubbit." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1190

"My friend has a pet German Shepherd. Every time I visit him, it puts its face straight into my

groin. I have a Yorkshire terrier and all this kneeling down is killing my back." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1191

"I love feeding stray cats.... To my dog." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1192

"I bought a German Shepherd the other day to protect my home from burglars... He isn't very

good though, I got burgled last night while he was flocking the sheep." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1193

Why are the slender protuberances from eukaryotic cells more comical than the flagella found on

prokaryotic cells? Because the former are cilia! (In reality, they are not "sillier" and are, if

anything, more motile due to sinusoidal undulations!!). Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1194

"A dolphin will jump out of the water for a piece of fish.......... imagine what he'd do for some

chips!?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1195

"My dog likes it when I speak on his behalf. Yes he does! Yes he does" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1196

"Fox mauls twins in bed. Where’s Derrick Bird with his gun when you need him........Boom

Boom." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1197

"What’s black, white and red all over? Half a badger" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1198

"What’s the worst thing about going on safari? Knowing you wasted your money on an iMac."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1199

"Dogs Trust never put a healthy dog down so what do they do if they've got a cold?" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1200

"Does anyone know how long you can leave a chicken in a freezer? I put it in last night, and this

morning it was dead..." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1201

It took me an hour to bury my cat, it wouldn't stop moving. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1202

I just saw a bird versus squirrel fight. A car won. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1203

"I took my pet pig to the vet's today. Turns out he has pulled a hamstring." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1204

So many cats, not enough recipes Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1205

When I was a kid my mum used to puke in my mouth and make me eat it. Then again I am a

penguin. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1206

"I shaved a hedgehog today... It was pointless." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1207

The only sound Animals should make is sizzle. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1208

"I gave an ant a 7UP bottle lid to use as a boat to sail across a puddle. It's Cap-sized." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1209

"Today I played fetch with my cat, it was great fun. Every time I threw him, my dog brought him

back." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1210

"After 5 long years working at the zoo taking care of the koalas I finally applied for promotion to

look after the elephants. Sadly though, I didn't the job. Apparently my koalifications were

irrelephant for the job." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1211

Are seals just dog mermaids? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1212

"What’s the Difference between “Beer Nuts” and “Deer Nuts”? “Beer Nuts” are a dollar twentyfive

and “Deer Nuts” are under a buck." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1213

"I always cry when I chop an onion. Unlike kittens." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1214

"A German cat gave birth to 6 kittens. 5 of them were all healthy, but one was stillborn. The

healthy kittens will have nine lives, while the stillborn kitten will have nine lives" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1215

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give a fish a man and it will eat off him for weeks.

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1216

"I found a hornet in my car. I'm going kerb crawling tonight to test it out." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1217

"I took my dog to the vets and said, “can you sort my dog out, it's bitten my wife, she's okay

though, just a small scratch on her neck.” “Do you want me to destroy it, sir?” “No!!”, I said,

“can you sharpen its teeth so it kills her next time!?”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1218

Scientists have found a spider that has been trapped for 49 million years. I didn't know dinosaurs

had bath tubs. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1219

"I just got an angry email from the local paper after I tried to publish a notice in the lost and

found section: FOUND - Somebody's pet Budgie, it's blue with a yellow beak, what it lacks in

zest it makes up for in its functionality as a bookmark." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1220

"I was milking some cows today. I got most of their money before they noticed the cards were

marked." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1221

"I walked up to a woman feeding ducks in the park. “Excuse me, but is that not a bit weird?” I

asked. “No, why would it be?” she replied. “Because normal people use bread, not breast milk.”"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1222

"One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas

gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous

Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. “How do I get him to sing?” The young man

asked, excitedly. “Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet.” was the shop owner's

reply. The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing:

“Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ...” The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right

foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: “ Silent Night, Holy Night...” The

young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could

with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. “How beautiful!”

She exclaimed, “Can he talk?” “No,” the young man replied, “But he can sing. Let me show

you.” So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shopkeeper

had shown him, and Chet crooned: “Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!...” The man then moved

the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: “Silent Night, Holy night...” The wife, her face

filled with curiosity, then asked, “What if we hold the lighter between his legs?” The man did not

know. “Let's try it,” he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between

Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it

was the performance of his life: “Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire....”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1223

"While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to

know if she could take her dog on board. I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a

50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large

enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over. “I'll never be able to teach

him all that by tomorrow!” the customer complained." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1224

"What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean Beef What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1225

"I think it's unacceptable to mix races. You never see Horses and Dogs racing in one race do

you." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1226

The vet said to the Irish dairy farmer "I'm sorry, it's bad news. All your cows have Blue Tongue.

The farmer replies "Bejaysus....I didn't even know they had mobiles!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1227

There's no such thing as an 'ok' crocodile wrestler Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1228

The wife told me over breakfast that she has invented a shower gel for pigs. I said "hogwash"?

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1229

Daniel Radcliffe has said to Wagner that it would be awesome to have a pet lion. So are dragons,

winged horses, three headed dogs and werewolves pretty basic then? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1230

"The wife has just threw 2 Chickens a Turkey and a Duck at me. I'm in a fowl mood now!"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1231

"How do you find a Foxhole?? Lift its Tail Up..." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1232

"Water ship down. You’ve watched the film you’ve read the book now eat the stew" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1233

Alright everyone the cows have come home, you can stop what you’re doing... Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1234

"I dreamt I was being eaten by a cat last night. Must have been Freddy Cougar" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1235

"A unicorn and a Cyclops... Now that's and accident waiting to happen." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1236

"My wife's ran off with a giraffe... I probably shouldn't have mentioned that they have a 21 inch

tongue." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1237

Wasn’t allowed to join the x men because they said i needed more than just my bear hands!!!

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1238

What separates us from the Animals??.... Fences Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1239

Really sad about my Dalmatian dying, oh well, at least the house is spotless now. Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1240

Pedophiles ruin it for innocent van drivers who really DID lose their dog. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1241

"My wife just called me a dog. I feel like fetching a stick and beating...Hang on." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1242

"Lionel Ritchie was recently given a lifetime ban from Sea World. He was caught dancing on the

sea lions." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1243

"Men are like dog whistles...... Blow and we'll come." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1244

"I've got something that turns on all women. My American pit bull terrier." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1245

"I've just ripped out a pig's vocal chords with my bare hands. It appears to be disgruntled."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1246

"Two police dogs die from overheating after being left in a car - Sentenced to be decided. They

may want to look at a similar case of a black dog being locked in the boot of a car and surviving

around Christmas time, that got that guy 8 yrs." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1247

"I went to one of those violent bull fights in Spain, and I can honestly say I've never been so

appalled in my life. My seat cost a fortune and was so far back I could barely see the cows get

stabbed." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1248

"I went swimming with dolphins last week. It was really moving. Made a direct hit with my

harpoon really difficult." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1249

"My doctor just told me I can't get Cat AIDS... I wish I'd known that before...I could have saved

a fortune on condoms" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1250

"A British woman who went to a Thai nature resort to conquer her fear of monkeys has been

savaged by a pack of macaques not really a joke, just made me laugh" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1251

“"Warning as Boa Constrictor Goes on the Loose” Elsewhere, poisonous spider goes on the antivenom"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1252

"What do giraffes have that no other animal has? Baby giraffes." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1253

Why slaughter and incinerate livestock with foot and mouth disease when they could instead be

redeployed to clear the world's mine fields? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1254

Wasps: They are just WannaBees. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1255

"What noise annoys an oyster? A noisy noise annoys an oyster!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1256

I was in the jungle and got attacked by a snake. It bit me and I fell to the ground. Luckily there

was a ladder around the next corner Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1257

I treated my dog for ticks a week ago and it hasn't worked, his nose still twitches. Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1258

"What do you get when you cross a cow with an Arab? Milk Sheikh" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1259

"I'm not being paranoid but there's 5 Peruvian Owls standing on my garden fence, watching me

through my kitchen window. I'm sure they're Inca hoots!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1260

"My horse is pretty useless. It suffers from hay fever." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1261

"Wow! I've just found out that my dog can talk, I said “what's that tree made out of boy?”

“Bark!” He yelped." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1262

"I own one of the world's smallest farms. All I've got is one fat cow, one lazy pig, one old dog

and my wife. And they're all in the same body." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1263

"I like putting sock and boots on my feet when I go to bed my wife hates it though, she's allergic

to cats" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1264

"The other day, I felt like a chicken. So I crossed the road and went to KFC." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1265

"True story. A few years back I was being driven down to Wales with my girlfriend by her

Father and his new girlfriend, who was the only other English person in the car. “Look over

there”, said her dad, “the sheep are being sheared”. My reply of “Why, is there a dinner dance

tonight?” only made one person laugh, but that was enough for me." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1266

"My wife has just text me to say that she's bought a Siamese Cat. I can't wait to get home and see

it. I've never seen a cat with 2 heads before." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1267

"What do you call a sleeping fish? A Kipper" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1268

"What's the fastest animal in the world? A hamster if you throw it hard enough!" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1269

"When I said to my dog “play dead” I didn't expect him to jump in front of the next lorry"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1270

"I saw that movie where Mel Gibson has his hand up a beaver the whole time. I think it was

called 'what women want'." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1271

"An Englishman, a Scottish man and an Irishman all go for a job at a pet shop. The interviewer

tells all three that they can have a job if they can sing a song that includes a dog in the lyrics. The

Englishman sings “How much is that Doggy in the window”, the Scottiight. ..... Scooby doo be

doo be doo..”" Animals-Insectsshman sings “You ain't nothing' but a hound dog” , and Paddy

sings “Strangers in the n

Joke Number. 1272

"I took my Bulldog to a dog handler the other day. He's much easier to pick up now." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1273

"A rabbit, a fox and a bear are notified that they are to be conscripted into the Animal Army but,

as pacifists, they agree they do not want any part in the military and start looking for solutions. “I

can bite off my own tail,” says the fox. “They won't want a fox with no tail.” So the fox bites off

his lovely bushy tail, goes to the conscription center and comes back with his rejection slip.

“OK,” says the rabbit, “bite my ears off. They won't want a rabbit with no ears.” So the fox bites

off the rabbit's ears, the rabbit goes to the conscription center and also comes back with a

rejection slip. Then it's the bear's turn and the fox suggests they knock out all of his teeth with a

stone, as the Animal Army certainly won't want a bear with no teeth. So they knock out all the

bear's teeth, the bear goes to the conscription Centre and also comes back with a rejection slip,

but looks a bit depressed. “See,” says the fox. “I told you they wouldn't take a bear with no

teeth.” “Yet,” says the bear, “but they rejected me because I'm too fat.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1274

"I love a good game of 'Hungry Hippos'. But I had to stop playing when I lost my job at the zoo

after 3 of them starved to death." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1275

"Why do fish swim in salty water? Because pepper makes them sneeze" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1276

"Some moron started shouting at me to find out if I'd heard of elephants! I thought “of course I

have”, shortly before I was trampled by a herd of elephants." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1277

"Two snakes are in the middle of a forest. The first one says “Hey are we poisonous?” The

second snake says “I don’t know, why?” “I just bit my tongue.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1278

"What do you call a nice smelling Insect. A Deodar Ant" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1279

"A chameleon walks into a bar ... And never got served." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1280

"I told my boyfriend we're about to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet. He said “What, you mean

you're pregnant?”. I said “No, I've just super glued the hamsters ‘tail to its wheel”." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1281

"'A Dogs just not for Christmas.' Unfortunately doggie with my wife is." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1282

Just reading a new book on big wild cats called Tiger Attack, by Claude Tobitz Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1283

"What do you get if you cross a zebra with a paki? Run over by me in my lorry." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1284

"My dogs been missing for a week and I've had to put some posters up. He's blind, got 3 legs,

deaf in 1 ear and has aids, answers to the name, lucky." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1285

"I'm sure my mate's part chameleon, but he's denied it 'til he's blue in the face. If anything that

convinced me even more." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1286

"I went in the local shop to buy some treats for my pet beagle. I couldn't believe the price of

them... 6.45 for 20 Mayfair!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1287

"I was in tears when my cat had to be put down. I looked into his wide eyes and whispered in his

ear; “I love you Piddles, never forget that.” I then put him down in his basket and got a few

questionable looks from my Family as I plodded off into the kitchen." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1288

"I've just adopted a Giant Panda at Edinburgh Zoo. Mind you, I don't think he's going to be

happy when he's old enough to realize I'm not his real Dad." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1289

"Hold everything!" - training my pet octopus. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1290

"I was at a Family dinner and I turned to my wife and said “I think there's an elephant in the

room”. Apparently that's not an appropriate way to speak about your mother in law." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1291

"If moths are attracted to light, why are they nocturnal? Kind of like a pedophile working at a

retirement home." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1292

"I've taught my pet tortoise, Jerry, to breakdance. I say taught but actually I just put him on his

back." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1293

"What's yellow and dangerous? Shark infested custard." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1294

"What's grey? A melted penguin." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1295

"I see there was a really fast response after the fox attack on those babies. It's a good thing that

the parents didn't cry wolf by mistake." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1296

I got a new phone today. It's got less battery life than a KFC chicken. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1297

"If cats stray into my garden. I pretend they're Heather Mills. I give them one “Shoo!”. Then

watch them hop it." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1298

Do you think dogs think they have got beards? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1299

"What do Pirate Sheep say? Baargh!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1300

"Speaking about the mysterious blackbird incident last week, one resident said: 'Millions,

millions fly over every night. You look up at the sky and it's just black.” As opposed to every

other night when the night sky is bright green." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1301

"The vet's amputation ward went into lockdown yesterday. The entire wing was cut off."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1302

My girlfriend said she loves me dearly, so I attacked with a pair of antlers and mounted her.

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1303

"I was talking to a navy seal earlier. I couldn't understand why it was that colour..." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1304

"My pet tarantula has a deformed back & real problems walking. I fear it might have spider

bifida." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1305

"An animal rights protestor came up to me and asked if i liked Animals Only Roasted" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1306

“"Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a cat” “How long have you felt like this?” “Since I was

kitten”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1307

"I think my goldfish is incontinent. His bowl floweth over." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1308

The hardest part of owning a dog is telling him he's adopted. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1309

"Just found out my cow and goat have been dating. They are in a stable relationship." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1310

"Road accidents involving moose have risen by 20% this year in Sweden. I'm not surprised, how

you can control a car with a hoof?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1311

"My brother has been off work on full pay for a month now after a cow knocked him off his

stool. He's been milking it for all it's worth." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1312

"I hate jokes. I've felt that way ever since my fat mother-in-law went to the West Indies of her

own accord. And brought back a dog with no nose." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1313

"Sky 3, weekdays, at 11am 'Dogs with jobs' Talk about kicking the unemployed when they're

down!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1314

“"I like your black and white skin, I like your great big udder, but most of all. I like the way you

moo”!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1315

"My pet centipede died this morning. I'm really sad, but he was on his last legs." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1316

A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1317

"A termite lands on a fly. The fly says; “Are you a termite” The termite replies; “I might be”.

“That's the stupidest pun I've ever heard” “Give me a chance man, I just came up with it on the

fly”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1318

"I've just seen a midget driving a crane I hope the R.S.P.B don't find out, he might get charged

with avian cruelty!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1319

"My new girlfriend was cooking with the meat I got her when she started going off on one, “I

haven't seen my cat for hours, and he never goes out.” She said frantically, running around

kicking and screaming. I think she's making a meal of it." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1320

"My pets are very well trained. I throw a ball for my dog and shout “Catch it”. Bruno leaps into

the air and catches the ball. Meanwhile, Tiddles lays one out in her litter tray!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1321

"Amy Winehouse is dead? No.. Wait.. It’s just a neglected horse." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1322

"Definition of we know what you are up to Katie Price seen in deep conversation with Kate and

Gerry McCann about her upcoming Family holiday to Portugal" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1323

"Daily Mirror: Shark Widow: My Agony With all due respect love, you weren't the one who was

chewed up and eaten alive by Jaws." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1324

"What do you call an alligator who trades on the stock market? An investigator." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1325

"What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A Poultry Geist." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1326

"What goes “clip”? A one legged horse." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1327

I left school with 2 A levels. One in Biology and one in metalwork. Ever since then I've been

looking for a cat that needed welding. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1328

"What comes in buckets? Elephants" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1329

"I can never understand these people that say a dog is 'forever' Even when it goes straight from

the wok into the freezer it will only last 3 weeks max." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1330

"I just heard about the trainer that survived an attack by a killer whale. You can say what you

like about child labour, but they make shoes to last." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1331

"My wife told me to have the house spotless before she got home. So I buried her dog Spot in the

back garden." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1332

"What is yellow and white, and throws itself off the edge of the dining table? A lemming

meringue." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1333

"Never realized how bad the wasp problem is in Africa. Watching the Confederations cup it

sounds like they are everywhere." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1334

Wasps - The Pakis of the insect world! Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1335

"I went down to the new local shop which lets you trade in your beautiful winged Insects in

exchange for Caucasian males. It’s called pretty Fly for a white guy" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1336

Difference between man and Animals is that we don't use our tongues to clean our

genitals.......We have others do it for us. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1337

"Breaking News: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad attacks Octopus Paul I bet Paul saw this coming."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1338

"Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he isn't a chicken" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1339

I was reading my newspaper when my parrot said to me "Why are you staring at the carpet?"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1340

"What's the Difference between a weasel and a stoat? One's easily recognized - the other's totally

different" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1341

"My pet lizard leaned back onto his hind legs earlier and told a really good joke. He's a stand up

chameleon." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1342

"My friends planning on teaching all crabs a new unique way to walk now that would be a step

forward." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1343

"My dog has just bitten my disabled son. That's it, once this one’s gone, no more kids for me!"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1344

Apparently the Black Rhino is more dangerous than the White Rhino. Well there's a surprise!

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1345

"I slept at the wheel last night... I don't know how hamsters do it." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1346

I'm trying to build up the courage today to tell my pets they are adopted Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1347

"The police really are racist; they've just arrested a Panda under suspicion of killing that 17 year

old boy in Norway." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1348

"I was with my dog on the high street earlier when this woman came up and said “What a

beautiful Labrador” I couldn't see it myself" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1349

"What do you get when you mix a spider with a shoe? A shoe." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1350

"I heard that chickens actually descended from dinosaurs. They must've had fun sliding down its

tail." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1351

"Why couldn't the Viper viper Nose?. Because the Adder adder Handkerchief." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1352

"I have a Husky voice. I was raised by dogs in Alaska." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1353

A true test of whether the octopus really is a psychic would be to give him a prediction that's

lower than 50/50 odds. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1354

"In the mind of the dog: The humans offer me food, love and shelter. They must be my gods.

In the mind of the cat: The humans offer me food love and shelter. I must be their gods."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1355

"What do you call a cow's moustache? A moustache" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1356

"Sat on the table in the works canteen someone said, “What do you make of all these birds

dropping from the sky?” “Rohypnol??” I volunteered. There was a deadly silence. ... “Ahh! Not

those type of birds then”." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1357

"My six year old son has been begging me for months to buy him Angry Birds. He'll be in for a

treat when he comes home to find the ostriches I've caged up in his room." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1358

"How do lions like their steaks? Roar" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1359

Head Lice: They're living on the fringes of society. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1360

"Amy Winehouse's boyfriend is in hiding since waking up next to her. He's convinced the Mafia

are after him." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1361

'Appearances Can Be Deceiving' said my fortune cookie message; then I realized I'd cracked

open a snail. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1362

"My wife wanted to name our new dog 'On'. So I called it off." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1363

"My neighbor came banging on my door earlier. “Ere!” he said. “Your cat has been peeing in my

rhubarb.” “Not to worry mate, it's only a bit of water.” “That's not the point. I was having it with

custard at the time.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1364

A bird in the hand may well be worth two in the bush, but it makes blowing your nose very

difficult. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1365

People claim that cats hate water but I think my cat loves it, because I threw her in the swimming

pool a week ago. I mean she must have loved it because she still hasn't come out. Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1366

"My turtle ran away last month. He's barely past the driveway." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1367

It's so hot I just saw a bird pick up a worm with an oven glove!! Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1368

"Whenever I say, “Women have the brain size of Squirrels”, they get really annoyed. Who knew

Squirrels were so sensitive?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1369

"I struck lucky in the casino last night.. Apparently that's 'animal cruelty' according to Geoff

from security" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1370

"If only Africa had more Mosquito nets. Then every year we could save millions of mosquitos

from dyeing needlessly from AIDs" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1371

"I don’t like cats with two different colored eyes. They remind me of cats with same colored

eyes, and I don't like cats." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1372

"I felt like having a sing today, but as soon as I got into it, my wife yelled at me to get the cat out

of the blender. So I did. Then I started singing again." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1373

Scrambled eggs does sound a lot more appetizing that crushed chicken's periods. Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1374

"A guy tried to sell me 5 legs of venison for 100. I told him it was too much do." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1375

I'll install a bird bath in my garden when the birds install a hot tub on my balcony. Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1376

"I've got the memory of a goldfish. Its name was Bubbles and he was my first pet." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1377

"How did the Zebra get his stripes? He rescued four men while under mortar fire." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1378

"I just put a small Afro on my ear. My girlfriend ran away screaming. She hates earwigs."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1379

"Why do birds fly in circles over Bradford? The poor things have use one wing to hold their

noses." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1380

"I make my own fun. Like today, I'm sitting on the sofa, my dog's licking himself, and I’m

touching myself. We catch each other’s eyes, we both start laughing!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1381

"As the bad guy ran away, I took out my Colt, levelled it, took careful aim and squeezed.

'Neigh!'" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1382

Stroke my coat. You've pulled a cat. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1383

"I knew I shouldn't have adopted those two pandas, they're eating me out of house and home! I

also shouldn't have built my house out of bamboo." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1384

"As if my job as a zookeeper wasn't stressful enough, now the Emperor Penguins are trying to

turn me to the dark side!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1385

Just took a video of an angry lion... was some roar footage Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1386

"I was washing the car this morning when my wife shouted, “Mind the cat, he doesn't like

water.” He likes pressure washers even less now." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1387

My dog loves me, but I'm pretty sure if I dropped dead at home, he'd chew my face off the

minute he got hungry. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1388

“"My dog took first prize at the bird show!” “How?!” “He ate the prize canary...”" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1389

"Really happened: My daughter wanted a nameplate for her rabbit's hutch. The woman in the

shop asked, “What's your little rabbit's name?” My daughter said, “I haven't a clue, but I call him

Philip!” --------------------- Worth a thought isn't it?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1390

"I've just been fired from my job feeding the fish at SeaWorld..... Apparently I wasn't serving a

Porpoise??" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1391

"I'd never written a joke about a Pig before. But now I’ve penned one." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1392

"I've just seen this headline: 'Man Kills Hamster in Microwave'. Bing." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1393

I asked for chicken drummers, and I was given pieces of chicken in breadcrumbs? Where are the

feathery musicians I requested? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1394

How do Llamas wake up in the morning? with an allama clock Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1395

"The BBC is bringing out a new series of One Man and His Dog but it's only going to be for the

Welsh viewers... It's called “One Man and His Pimp.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1396

"I went coursing with my dog, Alopecia, today. She came back after 3 hours. Still no hare."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1397

"What’s about 7 inches long a little bit furry usually only comes out at night and likes my

girlfriend? My new hamster" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1398

"I got into a fight in the vets waiting room today when my badger bit someone. I got a cut above

my eye and a fat lip, but you should see the otter guy." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1399

"Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was

not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their

message, and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close

and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the

door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young

people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach

them a lesson, when one of them said, “Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your

cat.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1400

"My mate spends all his time in the garden and really has green fingers! He's a frog." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1401

I wonder if camels ever look down at their toes and think "oh my god that looks like a...?"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1402

"My cat keeps beating me at Pac Man. To be fair, he did start with 9 lives." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1403

"I went to London and got myself a turtleneck the other day. And a life-time ban from Sea Life."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1404

"Did anyone see the Cat on the pitch at Afield? It was only on for three minutes and went past

more people than StewArt Downing has all season." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1405

"In mediaeval times, horses that died in battle were taken to the taxidermist. It was the stuff of

knight mares" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1406

"My dog's getting slow in his old age. He's just brought me yesterday’s newspaper." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1407

"My mate's made a 'Dog Grooming video Guide'. It looks pretty good, he's just shown me a

clip." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1408

"My dog can talk. Last night I asked him what 2 minus 2 was & he said nothing." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1409

My dog is my best friend. How sad does that make my social life? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1410

"I planted some explosives in a male cow today. It was Abominabull." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1411

"My Wife got our son a Dalmatian puppy for his birthday. It has been yapping for a week and

keeping me up at night. so I kicked it across the room.....That hit the spot." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1412

"Why did the squirrel scream? Because somebody pinched his nuts" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1413

"BBC News- Body parts found in shark. What else do they think a shark is made from?"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1414

"What do you call a monkey that flies? A hot air baboon." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1415

"I'm a hunt saboteur... I like to walk round the countryside shooting foxes." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1416

"My mum always told me that eating carrots would make me able to see in the dark Which made

the night my pet rabbit escaped and fell into the garbage disposal all the more crushing"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1417

"I went to see Deaf Leopard today. “Shout all you want, it won't hear you!” Said the angry zoo

keeper." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1418

Earwigs: For people who can't grow their own ear hair. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1419

"My granddad once killed a lion with one hand. It had paws on its other legs though." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1420

"News: Cat killed by sniper. I guess putting them in bins got boring" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1421

"BBC News: Bear Kills 'UK Tourist in Norway' Does anyone else think these Norwegians are

getting a bit desperate for attention?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1422

"My daughter screamed as she found blood in the toilet, It's funny, I thought 8 flushes would

have shifted a rabbit..." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1423

"I saw a dead fox lying at the side of the road earlier. It was disgusting. Probably should've

cooked it first..." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1424

"Bulls: They're like cows, you just have to work harder to get their milk out." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1425

"Me and my wife were like 2 wild Animals last night. She went for food while I ate the

Children." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1426

Chameleons: What are they hiding? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1427

"I lined my travelling trunk with cocaine in a bid to get through customs. How was I to know

that taking an elephant through an airport would draw so much attention." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1428

"My friend showed me the fish at the bottom of his garden. One of them fluttered its eyelashes at

me, then quickly swum away. I think it was a little coy." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1429

"What bird gets out of breath easily? A puffin!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1430

You know you are getting desperate when you start looking at the dog in a different way.

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1431

"The “Black Mamba”, One of Africa's most dangerous and feared snakes. Surprise, Surprise"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1432

"I went down on my missus last night and I've had a hair stuck in my teeth all day. I finally got it

out during the lunch break at work and we've decided to keep it as the office pet." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1433

"What animal is best at brading female pubic hair? Platypus." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1434

"What do you call an adolescent rabbit? A Pubic Hair" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1435

"There are two things you should always carry. 1) A small bottle of Whiskey in case of

snakebite. 2) A snake." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1436

"There was a man walking in the desert. He didn't know where he was, and all around him was

just sand, and he couldn't see anything else apart from the sun and the sand dunes. Puzzled, the

man started walking. He walked for a mile and saw a single Cricket Ball lying on the ground. A

smile was on the man's face as he said, “Great! If there's a Cricket Ball here then I must be Close

to somewhere! You don't just find a random Cricket Ball in the desert!” The man was really

happy so he walked another mile and found another Cricket Ball. “Wow,” he said, “I must be on

the right track! I'm getting closer...” The man walked for another mile and looked on the ground

to find a castrated cricket." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1437

"Why do foxes have fur coats? Because they'd look stupid in anoraks." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1438

"I've just started a business which is a rat and mouse washing service. It's going great... All our

customers are squeaky clean" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1439

My mate says that he's a rabbit carver, not a rabbit butcher. Personally, I think he's just splitting

hares. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1440

If those Monkeys at London zoo had any sense they would have made a run for it over the last

few nights, be virtually impossible to track them down. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1441

"I've got a border collie. He only comes home in the school holidays." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1442

A dog isn't just for Christmas, put a nice pair of rabbit ears on its head and it can also make a

great novelty pet for Easter too. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1443

"I took a tablet earlier that made me turn green and grow wings. I think it was a Parakeetamol."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1444 "Horse racing is one of the most immoral sports around and should be banned

immediately. I mean strapping midgets to horses is just inhumane." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1445

"Two worms stood in a cue. One says “Can you smell wood?”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1446

"As a farmer, I really hate people who steal my Animals. They really get my goat." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1447

"I make my dog work for his treats. R.I.P Rover, that conservatory job was just too much for

you." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1448

"My son recently saw a beautiful dog, Jack, for sale, and asked if we would be able to buy it. I

said that we don't have enough room for in the house for him. Oh well, maybe his new foster

parents will buy him a dog, who knows?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1449

"I was driving through a safari park the other day and the baboons broke both wing-mirrors,

scratched the paint and pulled the wipers off. I was furious. The cheeky git of a taxi driver tried

to charge me extra for the damage." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1450

"I went to the pet shop to buy a Chinchilla. Terrible idea, if anything it's made my face even

warmer." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1451

"What do you call a Horse with Three Legs? A Reliant Dobbin." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1452

"My granddad used to keep a pet goldfish in his head. He loved that fish, you could see it in his

eyes." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1453

"What do you get from a nervous cow? Milkshakes." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1454

when confronted by a lion, bear or tiger in the wild always stroke them in the direction their fur

lies, never stroke against the nap as they don’t like that Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1455

I got thrown out of the local zoo last week for repeatedly beating their endangered Panda cubs

with a metal chair. They said I misinterpreted the sign next to the enclosure saying, 'support the

WWF'... apparently it's the WWE now. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1456

"What do you call the leader of the worms? Master Bait" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1457

"I remember years ago, waking up really early on Christmas day, running down stairs, ripping

open one of my presents... But unfortunately it was a puppy." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1458

"I joined a line of people outside the taxidermists. An animal rights activist approached and said,

“What's going on?” I said, “Fur queue.” He said, “There's no need to be rude.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1459

"Where do you find a rabbit hole? Under its tail." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1460

"I've finally figured out a way to get my dog to do as I tell him... I tell him to do what he wants."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1461

Dogs smell, drool, constantly want fed and always have the urge to hump things...... No wonder

they're man’s best friend. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1462

My pet mouse only responds when I refer to him as a mouse. I don't tell anyone his real name as

he would prefer to remain a non-e mouse Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1463

"I had a go on one of those stalls where you shoot a duck over and you get a prize. I noticed if

you aim the gun at the guy running the stall, you get ALL the prizes." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1464

"When I was younger my mum came home to find my hamster was dead. Not wanting me to get

upset she ran down to the pet shop and got a new one that was very similar, hoping that I

wouldn't notice... But I did, and I killed that one too..." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1465

"I love my new job as an animal trainer. I'm currently teaching young crows. They're battling

with the alphabet though. They can't grasp the concept of going from A to B." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1466

"I had a look at a rambling guide yesterday. I was quite surprised by it really, I didn't realize you

could get jewelry for sheep." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1467

"My Grandad was killed by a load of baby eels Elver way to go" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1468

"Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? To look for a tight seal." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1469

"So Police are set to reopen the Amy Winehouse investigation into her death? Can't they just let

sleeping dogs lie" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1470

"What kind of Sandals do Frogs wear? Open Toad." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1471

"Just dished up some food for the dog. Some lettuce and tomato with his usual tinned dog food. I

like to call it a Ceaser salad." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1472

"I was fingering these two blonde chicks but I had to stop... they started pecking me." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1473

"My bird has started to smell really bad lately. I had to buy him some dove deodorant." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1474

“"That zebra you sold me is fake!” Shouted the owner of the zoo. “Well spotted.” I admitted."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1475

A two-year-old American boy has been killed by pitbulls after opening his garage door for them.

Understandably, the world is shocked, and asking itself the same question: how on earth did a

two-year-old open a garage door? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1476

"I took the liberty of milking my mates’ cow the other day. She took a while to start but made

about a cupful of milk. I tasted some and it tasted good and fresh. After I finished the cup my

mate woke up and I told him how nice his cow's milk was. That's when he told me he had a

bull." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1477

"A vet told me today that my fish has got cancer. I'm gutted, and now so is he. It was either that

or Nemotheropy and I didn't want to see him suffer." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1478

"What's extremely dangerous and swings through the trees? A monkey with a shotgun" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1479

In a way, when I sold my parrot it was as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1480

"I've just seen an advert for 'Dog trainers' in the paper... i can't get mine to wear a collar, let alone

sportswear." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1481

There are so many animal rights activists around nowadays. You can't even swing a dead cat

without hitting one. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1482

"We surveyed 100 cats! We asked them if they preferred kitykat or paws cat food! Results show

that 100% of cats surveyed can't understand or speak English!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1483

"UK scientists have found a new species of squirrel which are black. They are reported to be

more aggressive and violent than regular squirrels. Funny that..." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1484

"Why did the farmer put pink cowboy hats on his chickens? It was hen night." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1485

If you're ever discussing facts about your Manx cat with anyone, remember, it's all about the

detail. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1486

"I spotted a golden retriever this morning... I've always preferred Dalmatians." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1487

"My pet wasp died today. If anybody would like to pay their respects, the body will be in the

cake shop window from 9am tomorrow." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1488

"Before I dump my load into our pet dog, I like to reach around and bring him off first. Pets at

Home. Where pets come first" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1489

"Sometimes when I cut my toe nails I like to leave them all over the room. Just in case bugs need

to use them as swords when they're at war." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1490

"I had a terrible first day running my new store, the stock flew off the shelves. I should probably

get bird cages for my pet shop." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1491

Animal rights activists never do more than one thing at a time. They don't want to kill two birds

with one stone. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1492

"What do you call a dog who starts bringing dead birds home? A copycat." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1493

I'm trying my best to shake this annoying bird who keeps tweeting me. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1494

The government is now saying that all dogs will have to be chipped. A spokesman for the

Korean community said that this was great news Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1495

"I love freebees. Good thing the keeper next door had a heart attack." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1496

"I call my dog Herpes. He just won't heel." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1497

"I was sitting in the park with my girlfriend watching the sun go down, when my mate came

walking over with a cheeky smile on his face. “You two lovebirds.” he laughed. I said, “Indeed,

our favorite is the Greenfinch.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1498

"A guy in the pub said he would buy me drinks all night, if I could make his dog do what I told it

to. So I threw it on the fire and shouted, “Get off”." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1499

Why is there no mouse flavored cat food? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1500

"A giraffe sleeps for less than two hours a day. This is because their long necks allow them to get

at the cocaine other browsing Animals cannot reach." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1501

"I was once debating about animal testing with someone who claimed it was their responsibility

to 'give a voice to the voiceless'. So I guess parrots are fair game." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1502

A mouse walks into a music shop and asks the shopkeeper for a mouth organ. The shopkeeper

says "That’s strange you’re the second mouse in here this morning asking for a mouth organ"

The mouse replied Yeah - That’s probably our Monica!!!! Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1503

Apparently there's something offensive about snakes. My pet snake, was born with only one eye

(unfortunately), and when I ask people if they want to see my 'one eyed snake' I get these

disgusting looks off them. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1504

"A giraffe walks into a bar. The barman says, “You've got some neck coming in here.”"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1505

"My cat got spayed today. Now all she needs is a bucket and we can go to the beach." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1506

I have just seen an endangered large bird fly into a house and kill itself.......Stupid Bustard!

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1507

"I convinced a mate of mine that he was part of an octopus's arm.. Sucker.." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1508

"My dog's got a hand growing where his tail should be. He keeps wagging his finger at me - so is

he happy or cross?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1509

"Bob goes to the dog's home and asks the guy in charge: “That big Alsatian there looks friendly,

but does he like small Children?” “He loves 'em,” says the guy, “but it'd be a lot cheaper to buy

him proper dog food.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1510

"My mate asked my Advice on which dogs are best to take on a duck shoot. I gave him a couple

of pointers." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1511

Snakes like to chew Wrigley's Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1512

My pet Rabbit has been very ill recently, but it's getting better. He's recovering in leaps and

bounds. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1513

"As I jumped onto the back of the motorbike, it made a loud roaring noise and shot off down the

street. Everyone was staring open-mouthed and I could just tell they were all thinking how cool I

looked in my leathers. But then I lost control and was headed right for a pedestrian. The bike

threw me off, and carried on right into him, before ripping his leg off and eating it. Looking

back, it might have been a lion..." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1514

With jobs thin on the ground, I took a risk and had a go at elephant poaching. There were some

surprised faces when I turned up for work with a 2,000 gallon drum of boiling water and a 40-

foot slotted spoon. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1515

"I don't know why the kids and wife were so upset. I though naming our new dog 'Emergency

Food Supply' was very appropriate." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1516

“"My new boyfriends just like a panda” “What - he eats, shoots & leaves?” “No, he's fat and

sterile.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1517

"I spilt some Mr Muscle Descaler last week and my pet snake slithered right through it. I don't

have a pet snake anymore, more a big chubby worm :(" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1518

"I can't really blame pandas for not mating with each other. It must be weird doing it with

someone who looks just like you." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1519

"My girlfriend came running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. “There's a huge

spider in there!” She said. “Thanks love, I'll remember to knock first.” I replied." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1520

"My girlfriend won two goldfish at the fair last night, so we decided to call them Thelma and

Louise. They will most probably be dead by the end of the week." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1521

"Why is that when a group of kittens are born they are called a litter? I don't put them all in the

bin, sometimes I keep one." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1522

"Pets At Home. “Where Pets Come First” Liars." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1523

"I saw a badger dead on the road the other week, my mum got really emotional about it, so I told

her a joke: “why did the badger cross the road?” “why?” “I don't know, he never got around to

telling me why.” ba boom." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1524

Shark attacks have increased ever since the tuba player was killed. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1525

Our town vet once neutered 50 dogs in 10 minutes. We call him the ace of spayed. Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1526

"I just saw snakes on a plane. And here I was thinking it only happens in movies." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1527

"What do epileptic snakes have? Hissy fits." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1528

"'...I'm teaching my dog to meow. I think it will help him if he has a second language'." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1529

"My pet mouse has just murdered my goldfish. I'm in shock. It's always the quiet ones, isn't it?"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1530

"Just walked in the kitchen, my dog was face down, flat out and there was dog food everywhere.

Must have been pedigreed." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1531

"What's black and kills people? Panthers." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1532

"I've just finished cleaning out my daughter’s budgerigar because she didn't want to do it. Well,

times are hard and we can't afford chicken." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1533

Yesterday I drugged some birds of prey and plucked them, I was just about to put the feathers in

the back of my van when I was caught by the police and they arrested me for ill eagle down

loading. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1534

“"It's just a spider, it's more scared of you than you are of it” my Dad told me. Pretty stupid

Advice for a housefly." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1535

A duck walks into a fish shop and asks if they batter fish because there's one in the pond that

keeps bullying him. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1536

I'm going to microwave a spider and let it bite me... superpowers here I come! Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1537

"I had to have my wife’s dog put down yesterday, it was the only humane thing to do. There was

no way he could have gone on living after the humiliation of being seen in a pink and yellow

hoodie." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1538

"My wife came storming up to me before 'I'm leaving you because your mind drifts and you

never pay attention to anything!' she said. ‘what if birds arnt singing their just screaming because

their scared of heights?' I replied." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1539

"What do you call a pig in an oven? Pork." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1540

"So after several attempts of the same experiment, I can safely say Dolphins really aren't so

smArt on land." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1541

“"You've got to have a look at that 'Cats in Bread' website.” Said my girlfriend. I thought the one

with two tails and no legs was the funniest." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1542

All my mates have started calling me spiders because women scream when they see me in their

house without realizing that they swallow me 4 times a year whilst they sleep. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1543

If you hate cats as much as I do, you’ll find that measuring the size of a room can be quite a lot

of fun Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1544

"Why there could never be great black sharks? They would drown instantly." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1545

"Found out my Wife is petrified of creepy crawlies the other day, then I thought of an advantage

to this..... ...I invested in an ant farm to ring fence the kitchen." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1546

Changing weather patterns mean that Animals are going to start to migrate differently.

Personally I look forward to seeing Bill Oddie going to do some bird-watching in Norfolk and

getting his head ripped off by a puma. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1547

"How can you tell if an elephant has been sleeping in your bed?! The sheets are wrinkled and the

bed smells of peanuts! How can you tell if a black man has been sleeping in your bed?! Your

bedroom window is smashed and your valuables are missing," Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1548

"I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday, She said “Surprise me with something

exotic”, So I put a king cobra in her birthday cake!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1549

"My new dog has a cleft palate, but he is highly intelligent, he already knows my name. When I

get home he stands at the gate and shouts “Mark, Mark, Mark”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1550

I wonder if dolphins have tattoos of fat chicks on their fins. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1551

"A man lost his lower leg when he was attacked by an 18 foot shark. Does this now make it a 19

foot shark?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1552

"The wife thought it was cruel of me to wake the kids so early and make them watch the cricket.

But it's just so cool the way it's sliding down the tarantula's throat." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1553

"Dogs Trust: Dogs die in hot cars. In other unrelated news, I have sent my wife on a cross desert

trip to Tesco." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1554

"I have always wanted to walk into an animal hospital with a fur coat on and say “There, sort

that lot out!”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1555

"Two owls are sitting in a tree. The first one announces “I'm getting married!” To which the

second replies “You twit, to who?!”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1556

"I went out with my mink coat on last night. Some silly cow shouted at me, “Some poor animal

died to make that coat.” I said, “It's ok sweetheart, this one was dead already.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1557

"Taxidermy. The only job where you can give Animals a good stuffing. And get away with it."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1558

The Coroner has removed a horse’s head from the flat of Amy Winehouse, unfortunately its still

attached to her body Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1559

I've just checked the cuckoo clocks -they're all tickety boo. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1560

"My wife said she is never going to a fancy dress party with me dressed in my wasp outfit ever

again. I spent all night trying to get out the window." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1561

I've heard that being eaten by a crocodile is just like falling asleep. In a blender. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1562

I'd like to see what happens when a shark is on her period. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1563

Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of

your pets. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1564

Got caught falling asleep in school the other day by the headmaster. Apparently, I am no longer

allowed to teach anymore. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1565

I saw a wasp acting like an Apis mellifera, and thought to myself "it can't bee." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1566

"Why did the Gallus gallus domesticus traverse the roadway? Because the agricultural overseer

had not correctly maintained his fowl coop perimeter, taking the necessary precautions to avoid a

potential escape of his stock which, accompanying the financial inconvenience, could in fact

pose a threat to the motor vehicles upon the nearby roadway; also risking the possibility of the

public fabricating jokes about the given matter." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1567

"Doctor, Doctor. I think I'm a chameleon! Who said that?!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1568

"I invited some mates over for a hog roast the other day. Just as the barbeque was about to be lit,

my mate nudged me and said “Dave, I thought you said there was a vegetarian option.” I replied,

“What do you think the apple in his mouth is for?”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1569

"Trust me never mix skunk with acid. You'll never be allowed back in that zoo again." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1570

“"Made with dolphin friendly tuna” That's a relief as I really don't like eating nasty tuna."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1571

"What's the Difference between me and a horse? About 10 inches." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1572

"The dog escaped out of our back garden last week, and when I hadn't found Rusty by dark, I

wondered if we'd ever see him again. But I was on the other side of town today, and there he

was. He'd made it all the way back to his owner's." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1573

"I saw a missing dog poster on a tree today. So I wrote on it, “I ran over him.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1574

"If first you don't succeed. You must be a budgie with teeth." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1575

"Why couldn't ants get into Club Doughnut? It was jam packed." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1576

"My horse was eating some hay when suddenly it reared back in pain with a needle stuck in its

mouth. “Cool”, I thought, “those are hard to find.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1577

"I got fined 50 by the local council for feeding the pigeons in the park today. Next time, I think

I'll take Weight Watchers bread with me." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1578

"So there is a picture on google of Mrs Obama edited to look like a gorilla. Wasn't a very good

editor if she looks the same if you ask me." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1579

"Looking for your cat? Try my wheel arches." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1580

"WSPA: “The amur leopard is so rare, there is hardly any footage of it” Ever heard of

YouTube?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1581

"I was searching the web the other day... and I found a spider." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1582

"Did you hear about the cheesy sparrows? They don't like my grating." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1583

"Where do you find killer whales? Prison." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1584

"What has fifty legs and can't walk? Half a centipede." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1585

I wish I was a mayfly, then till death do us part wouldn't sound so bad. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1586

"Mick Hucknall of Simply Red has been prosecuted for raping a rabbit, Apparently when he was

caught he was singing “Holding back the ears” and “Bunnies too tight to mention”" Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1587

I'm thinking of hiring a S.W.A.T team to fix my fly problem. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1588

"The pride of Britain awards are coming up. My money's on the white lions at the West

Midlands Safari Park." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1589

"The widow of the man killed by a shark has been quoted as saying@ “I'm so proud of my

husband - he's wanted to be a comedian for years, now he's made the whole world laugh.”"

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1590

"I don't know why they call them 'Drug Sniffing Dogs'. It's usually more effective the other way

around." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1591

"I thought I saw a gecko run across my computer screen. Upon closer inspection I realized it

wasn't a gecko. It was actually a monitor lizard." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1592

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1593

"A Hedgehog and a Rabbit had a Boxing match earlier. The Hedgehog won on points. Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1594

"My new girlfriend said she loved her creature comforts. So I skinned her cat and made a lovely

hat for her." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1595

"Took my dog to the vets because it refused to eat it's food and started eating nothing but

veggies. Turns out it's a rabbit." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1596

"The wife and I came to blows the other night over angry dolphins. I think we were talking about

cross porpoises." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1597

"What do you call a pig with Asperger’s? Socially pork ward." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1598

"Last night I came home drunk and waxed lyrical in front of my girlfriend. Wouldn't be so bad,

but 'Lyrical' is her cat." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1599

"I just bought a Muzzle for my pet Duck... I hope it fits the Bill." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1600

"How do you stop moles from digging up your garden? Hide the spades!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1601

"Things have been strained between me and the wife recently, earlier she said: “Grrrr, rooar,

grrrr...” I know things are bad, she's bearly talking to me." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1602

"A young man can learn a lot from a dog... Loyalty, obedience and the importance of turning

around three times before lying down." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1603

"Just found out that my dog could read after leaving him in the Veterinarian's waiting room. The

sign said, “Be back in 10 minutes. Sit! Stay!”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1604

"My mate told me if I cut my pet goat's horns off it would become more confident. It didn't work

- if anything it's got even more sheepish." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1605

"What did the domestically abused fish get for Christmas?

Battered" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1606

I bought a lap dog, but I had to get rid of it. Every time I sat on its lap it bit me. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1607

"sky news; Man Caught 'Smuggling' Bear Out Of Russia. cant wait to see that episode."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1608

"I have two pet hates. Much more fun than having a cat or a dog" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1609

"I was sat outside earlier on, in the sunshine, admiring two birds mating in a tree. That tree

outside the house has really come in handy since my new lesbian neighbors moved in." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1610

I’m worried about my budgie at home, while I've been away he hasn't tweeted once. Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1611

"Took a trip out to Africa to check out the wildlife. I saw some jaguars, rams, cobras, vipers and

beetles. I thought Africa was poor, how come they can afford such flash cars?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1612

My mate told me he has a shed full of geese. I asked him for a gander... Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1613

"At the weasel fanciers exhibition I thoroughly disgraced myself. Apparently, I'd taken along the

wrong breed of animal. *cough*..... I'll get me stoat." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1614

"My girlfriend is like a dandelion, beautiful on a summer’s eve or on a winter’s night. And when

I get bored of her i kick her and she goes into the air a few feet." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1615

"Paddy and his wife are distraught that their dog has gone missing. After a week his wife,

becoming more and more upset, tells Paddy to place a message in the local newspaper, hoping

that someone may have spotted him. When Paddy return from his duty, his wife asks; “Well,

have you done it?”. “Yes” replies Paddy. “Good. What did you put”, says his wife. “Here boy”,

Paddy replies." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1616

"Shark attack: 'This was a rogue shark' unlike those friendly ones." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1617

Sometimes, I go to the local farm, steal a sheep, cut off its legs and head then pretend I have a

fallen cloud in my garden. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1618

Spider: Hi! I just finished eating all the flies, keeping away the ants, and drove away the

termites.....sure! I'd love to read the paper... Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1619

You can't keep a good dog down... unless it's been at the pound too long. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1620

"Some chavs broke into the local zoo and threw two penguins into the lion enclosure. But don't

worry, they couldn't get the wrappers off." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1621

Definition. Lamb Shank - The Art of killing sheep Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1622

"I used to be an avid bird watcher Then I took a sparrow to the knee." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1623

"My son just said, “Dad, I've just invented a designer farm animal.” I said, “Son, I'm Prada

Ewe.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1624

"My kids will never forget the first time I took them to see the pigs, the cows, and sheep. “A

farm, you mean” suggested my mate. “No. A slaughter house”." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1625

Always by my side protecting me, I love my pet... rock. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1626

"Birth control pills designed for humans will also work for a gorilla. The fact that saved me a zoo

sponsorship." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1627

"I've been doing lots of work on the effects of smoking on monkeys The sole conclusion I've

drawn is that they look cooler than the none smoking monkeys." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1628

"Great, the local mafia boss just scratched my dog's back. Now he owes him a favour." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1629

"I've got twice as many Koi Carp in my pond today. I put it down to the Fish School Stimulus."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1630

"Went on safari in Africa, and filmed several wild beasts doing amazing things. Like carrying a

huge basket of clothes on their heads for example." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1631

"I lost my dog so I sent a tweet on Twitter to try and find him Joke Number. here boy" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1632

"What’s the Difference between panda's and ginger? We're trying to stop the panda's dying out."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1633

"My next door neighbor has got a sick sense of humor. He chopped up a pig and hid the parts

around the garden and made his son search for them. Pork Hunt." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1634

FOR SALE, 3 Albino Dalmatian pups......."Spotless" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1635

"Scientists have discovered that chickens are closely related to humans I don't agree, I’ve never

had a chicken breast with a nipple." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1636

"My wife's dog just came running past with one of my slippers. God knows how he keeps a size

10 on that little paw of his." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1637

"It's fun playing football with my rabbit. Although she's not as bouncy as a real football."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1638

"Police found a dead kitten, dressed in a little police uniform. They're looking for a copycat

killer" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1639

“"Where's Rover gone again daddy?” asked my little girl. “He's gone to live on a farm darling,

where there are lovely big fields he can run around in all day.” “That's nice daddy. I'm so happy

his legs must have grown back after you squashed them with the car.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1640

"Imagine a female werewolf, once a month she'd turn into a vicious man-eating monster in a

blind rage. And then another time in the month she'd turn into a wolf." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1641

"They say if you blow in a dog’s face that it can't breathe. Mine must be trying to commit suicide

with his head outside of my car window." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1642

"'Camilla stable after surgery' don’t they mean in her stable?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1643

"A horse walks into a bar and asks, “Why the long face?” “What?” asks the confused barman."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1644

"Lost my job as a shepherd because I couldn't count the sheep. I kept falling asleep." Animals-

Insects

Joke Number. 1645

"My sick dog brings all the bait I need to go fishing with. He's a worm carrier." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1646

Did you hear about the blind skunk..... it fell in love with a fart Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1647

For some reason, I find any animal with hypersensitive hearing really eerie Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1648

"Behave. The place where posh bees fly to." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1649

"Researchers at Bristol University say a breed of blood-sucking ticks has been discovered in the

UK. Wait a minute, blood-sucking leeches appearing near the start of April? That's just Inland

Revenue!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1650

"The wife's got a new penfriend. Even pigs need someone to play with." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1651

I accidently left my lunch in the car today. It`s okay though it was only a couple of hot dogs.

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1652

"Do you remember the old PG Tips adverts? I've thought about how amusing it would be if they

got monkeys to dress up in rappers' clothes and “bling” and “rap” in rap music videos... Oh

wait..." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1653

I've just bought a load of giant African land snails. I don't want to breed them or anything, I just

want to dot them round the garden so the resident hedgehogs think they're in the middle of a

wonderful dream. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1654

"Whenever I went gambling I always took my lucky goldfish. He would swim around in his little

bowl whilst I gambled. He died today so I held a small funeral. Nothing special, I just wrapped

him in newspaper with some chips." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1655

"I was desperate for the toilet earlier today. I had a little turtle-head popping out. I knew I should

have chewed it properly." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1656

"My mate got killed by a quadrapalegic last night. I warned him not to pick a fight with a Boa

Constrictor." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1657

"Come on, I'll help you out of the water. You'll drown otherwise," said the friendly elephant as it

placed the fish safely on the tree. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1658

"There isn't room to swing a cat in here. Guess I’ll go outside and play." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1659

"I was devastated to learn that my wife had taken the cat after our divorce. I thought we had a

mutual feline." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1660

"In recent studies, Shih Tzu dogs are the most likely to attack a person. Maybe if we stopped

calling them Shih Tzu's they'd feel a lot calmer." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1661

Apparently worms are at their bravest when they're in pears. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1662

"I don't see the point in big, ugly Animals with wide mouths and stubby legs. Guess I'm just

hypocritical." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1663

"Woman on the bus said to me, “Your fly is down.” I said, “I know, I'm taking him to see his

psychologist.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1664

"I was hiking through the woods when I came face to face with bigfoot. “Do you mind if I fake a

photo?” I asked him." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1665

"I never knew dogs could be racist. Then I met a sniffer dog." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1666

"A man walks into a vet with a dead labrador in his arms. The Vet looks at the dog and says

“sorry sir, your dog is dead” “I'd like a second opinion please” says the man laying his beloved

animal on the table. “One moment sir” says the vet second vet comes in carrying a cat, he waves

the cat over the dog and say “sorry sir, you dog is definitely dead” The man says “look are you

sure” “Yes” says the vet “these cat scans are very reliable”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1667

"I was telling my mate I just got myself a labrador. He said: “Oh they're really nice dogs, I love

them but they make you go blind.”" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1668

Do animal rights activists ever try to kill two birds with one stone? Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1669

Sharks in the Mediterranean have ravished on food today and are said to be ecstatic at the arrival

of 90 toothpicks to help them keep their teeth in good shape. Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1670

"I love Hummingbirds. That’s why I put a dab of superglue on the flowers of the Hummingbird

feeder." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1671

"Me and my mate picked up a couple of birds the other day. 'Yeah I think they're dead,' I said

and chucked them in the park bin." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1672

"I bought a new mouse pad last night. I don't know why I care for my rodents so much."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1673

"My cat adored me, was always at my side or on my lap. Then, one day, I just got fed up with it

and the cat left. I lost that loving feline." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1674

"Puppies all look cute and act adorable. But has anyone ever investigated their repeated

involvement in child abduction cases?" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1675

"I noticed a mouse popping its head out of a hole from a skirting board in my bedroom, so I rang

the Environmental health Agency. The bloke arrived shortly afterwards I and we stood in my

bedroom and waited for the mouse to appear , suddenly a Fish stuck its head out of the hole and

went back in again , I said “Did you see that Fish?” And the bloke said “I'm here about the

mouse Sir, we'll deal with the Rising Damp later”." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1676

"Told my bird to go make me a sandwich earlier. Stupid Parrot never gets the bacon right."

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1677

"My mother-in-law's coming over. I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang

upside down and sleep." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1678

I wonder if the first person that spotted a puma realized that he or she had invented the leopard?

Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1679

"I rang my mate but he answered the phone in tears. “What’s wrong?” I asked, concerned. “The

dogs just been hit by a truck! Just this minute outside the house, almost tore it in half!” he

wailed. “I'll be over right away!” I shouted. I've never seen inside a dog before." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1680

"Why would Glyptodons make excellent models? They're Pleistocene!" Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1681

"Wildlife cameramen seem to be very unlucky. They only ever seem to be able to find Meerkats

that are watching tennis matches." Animals-Insects

Joke Number. 1682

"My mate hung himself in a modern Art gallery. It was three weeks before anyone noticed." Art

Joke Number. 1683

At the Last Supper, how come no one sat at the other side of the table? Art

Joke Number. 1684

"I've developed a foolproof technique any of you can use to sculpt a model of an elephant. 1. Get

a huge block of marble. 2. Chip away anything that doesn't look like an elephant." Art

Joke Number. 1685

"As a painter, I'm proud to say some of my work can be seen in the National Gallery. I did the

skirting boards." Art

Joke Number. 1686

"Salvador Dali walks into a fish and orders a pint of stamps. The barman says, “Why the bicycle

wheel?”" Art

Joke Number. 1687

"I think I have a photographic memory... ...All the people in my head have red eyes." Art

Joke Number. 1688

"Abstract erotic Art... ...It's the shape of things to come." Art

Joke Number. 1689

"An Artist tried to concentrate on his painting, but the attraction he felt for his model

finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her. She

pushed him away. “Maybe your other models let you kiss them,” she said, “but I'm not that kind

of girl!” “Actually, I've never tried to kiss any of my models before,” he protested. “Really?” she

asked, softening. “How many models have there been?” “Four so far,” he replied, thinking back.

“A jug, two apples and a vase.”" Art

Joke Number. 1690

"I found an old unframed oil painting in my loft yesterday of a beautiful naked lady So I

mounted it" Art

Joke Number. 1691

"My girlfriend insisted on going to the Art gallery so I went along with it and after an hour

looking at pictures I called her over and said, “What about this one?” “Are you serious?” “Yeah,

it's the best one I've seen yet.” “If you don't want to be here, then leave.” “When did I say that?”

“When you called me over to look at the EXIT sign.”" Art

Joke Number. 1692

Went to an M.C. Escher exhibition today. All the best prints were on the second floor but

unfortunately I couldn't get there. Art

Joke Number. 1693

"I always thought auctions were really boring, but the one I went too today was really exciting.

Granted, I was sat at the back of the room with a tazer." Art

Joke Number. 1694

I lost so much cash through having my Art stolen recently, but fortunately this month I've Claude

Monet back. Art

Joke Number. 1695

"I got into a fight with an Artist last night... We drew" Art

Joke Number. 1696

"'Edvard Munch's The Scream sells for $120 million'. Victoria Beckham was going to bid for it..

Then she remembered that she had a mirror." Art

Joke Number. 1697

"I got some really bad news at my university today. Instead of funding my department they are

funding the language and the history department. Oh the humanities!" Art

Joke Number. 1698

"My father gave me my first condom. Sadly, he was wearing it at the time." Art

Joke Number. 1699

"A new exhibition where the Artist uses human excrement to create celebrity portraits opens

tomorrow. There'll be some familiar faces on show." Art

Joke Number. 1700

"I've just found a portrait of a policeman in the loft. I think it's a Constable." Art

Joke Number. 1701

"The wife went ballistic when I punched a constable yesterday. She was nearly as mad as the

museum staff." Art

Joke Number. 1702

"How do we know Vermeer had a low sperm count? Well, it's not 'Girl with a Pearl Necklace' is

it?" Art

Joke Number. 1703

"Felt it would be a good idea to draw straws with my mates to see which one of us went for the

munter out of a group of girls. And people say my BA in Art would be useless." Art

Joke Number. 1704

"My mate fancies himself as an Artist and wants to sketch me. I told him, “I'm very busy at the

moment.” “How about next Sunday afternoon?” he suggested. I said, “Not too sure - but pencil

me in.”" Art

Joke Number. 1705

"'Every picture tells a story'. The picture up in my house, tells me how bad security is at the

Khalil museum, and that Van Gogh's painting is not worth 32m." Art

Joke Number. 1706

"Went to a tarot card reading with my wife recently. You should have seen the look on her and

the old gypsy ladies faces when I drew the Death card. It was a look that clearly showed if I

didn't put the sketch pad and pen away I would not be coming to any further readings." Art

Joke Number. 1707

Consistently innovative and exciting, the London International Mime Festival returns....Now

you're talking Art

Joke Number. 1708

"Vincent Van Gogh. There's a man. Everyone said to him “you can't be an Artist! You only have

one ear!” and you know what he said? “Sorry, I can't hear you”." Art

Joke Number. 1709

"I've been working on a mosaic made of broken bottles, but it's not really all that it's cracked up

to be." Art

Joke Number. 1710

All the best Artistic ideas are kept inside drawers. Art

Joke Number. 1711

"My dad paints all of his pictures in his own blood. He suffers for his Art." Art

Joke Number. 1712

"Whenever I'm asked who the man of the match is, my answer is always the same. Lowry." Art

Joke Number. 1713

"What do you call an Artist with asthma? Van Cough" Art

Joke Number. 1714

Since writing on toilet walls is done neither for critical acclaim, nor financial rewards, does this

make it the purest form of Art? Art

Joke Number. 1715

I drew a blank in my Art exam. Art

Joke Number. 1716

"News: “The Tate Modern has removed a photo of actress Brooke Shields aged 10 from

its new exhibition over fears it will be a gathering place for pedophiles”. Okay guys I'm sorry but

the minibuses won’t be picking you all up now, your 5 deposit will be returned in the post

shortly." Art

Joke Number. 1717

"Damien Hirst partner has walked out on him for another man. Like a dead cow in an Art gallery

he must be gutted." Art

Joke Number. 1718

"Fifty shades of grey The first ever book for dogs" Art

Joke Number. 1719

"Who's boss of the pencil case? The Ruler." Art

Joke Number. 1720

"When Damien Hirst cuts a shark in half and preserves it in formaldehyde, he's a visionary

Artist. When I do it, I get banned from the aquarium." Art

Joke Number. 1721

Just finished reading 50 shades of grey - I thought it was rather monochromatic. Art

Joke Number. 1722

“"Mummy, Mummy, the kids at school say I'm a freak” “Shut up and comb your face”" Beauty

Joke Number. 1723

"A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing.

“Officer,” he asks, “have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?” “No, I haven't.

What's the problem?” “The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!” “Does this

fellow have any distinguishing features?” the officer asked. “Well, yes,” the barber replies. “He's

carrying one of his ears in his left hand.”" Beauty

Joke Number. 1724

Men who have six pack abs and care about them very much, will cover them in a thick layer of

fat. Beauty

Joke Number. 1725

"I saw the woman who's in that wrinkle removal cream advert at a party. I asked her what her

secret really is. “I'm twenty two”, she said." Beauty

Joke Number. 1726

"Today my boss told me my facial hair is bad for business, Nothing's been said by any of the

other escorts though." Beauty

Joke Number. 1727

"My wife has become so fat, I said to her “You are starting to look like my ex-wife”. “But you

only have ever been married to me”. She replied “Yes, I know”" Beauty

Joke Number. 1728

"Some women bleach the hairs on their upper lip to become more attractive... Does anyone

actually find a blonde moustache on a woman attractive?" Beauty

Joke Number. 1729

They say that diamonds are a girl’s best friend. I would have thought that a packet of tampons on

a heavy day might at least have got an honorable mention Beauty

Joke Number. 1730

I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one. Beauty

Joke Number. 1731

"I just asked out a girl I’ve known for years and I’m distraught. The most attractive person you

could ever meet, eyes that you can't help but stare into, wit that could get everyone laughing, an

unmatched smile that could warm anyone’s heart. Why she turned that down I don’t know."

Beauty

Joke Number. 1732

"My mate said I was too fat to climb a wall. I still can't get over it." Beauty

Joke Number. 1733

I approached a girl in a bar and told her she was one in a million. "Thanks" she said "That's very

sweet of you!" "Oh" I said "It's not a compliment. I just can't imagine that there are 999,999

uglier people. Beauty

Joke Number. 1734

"I'd hate to be a woman. Besides the periods, the hair and Beauty traumas, weight issues, and all

the housework they have to do, have you noticed how they always seem to turn a funny

orange/tan colour around winter time?" Beauty

Joke Number. 1735

"If you ever get attacked by a tiger just throw moisturizer cream at him.

Blocks the paws." Beauty

Joke Number. 1736

"I lent my friend a glue stick the other day instead of a chopstick. She still isn't talking to me."

Beauty

Joke Number. 1737

"I've almost finished developing an anti-ageing product and my wife has agreed to let me trial it

on her tonight. I just need to find a silencer now." Beauty

Joke Number. 1738

I realized I was getting old the other day when my hairdresser spent more time on shaving my

ears and eyebrows than she did on shaving my head. Beauty

Joke Number. 1739

Women must think I'm a handyman, since "help" is the first word out of their mouth when they

see me. Beauty

Joke Number. 1740

"Dear L'Oreal, How do you know your products work if they weren't tested on Animals?"

Beauty

Joke Number. 1741

"Just heard that Ashleigh Hall who was killed in County Durham was 'a lovely, lovely kid' who

was 'the nicest'. Obviously she was nice - she had to be. She was hideous." Beauty

Joke Number. 1742

"Why did the princess never brush her hair? She had leukemia." Beauty

Joke Number. 1743

"My mate gets dumped pretty regularly, so I asked him how long it takes to get over a girl. He

replied “Depends how fat she is.”" Beauty

Joke Number. 1744

"Inside every fat woman is a thin woman and a lot of chocolate. Inside every thin woman is a fat

woman waiting for marriage." Beauty

Joke Number. 1745

"I don't really like my new hair. But I suppose it'll grow on me..." Beauty

Joke Number. 1746

"I walked up to this woman in a bar the other night “You're a feminist, aren't you?” i said to her

amazed she said “Yes, yes I am, but how'd you know?” so I told her “I can see your armpit hair

from the other side of the room you fat, ugly cow”." Beauty

Joke Number. 1747

"I used to hate facial hair!! But eventually, it grew on me." Beauty

Joke Number. 1748

"My wife told me that I needed to go to the gym and get in shape. I replied, “I am in shape!” A

sphere is a shape." Beauty

Joke Number. 1749

Girls who pull the trout pout in pictures are so obviously fishing for compliments. Beauty

Joke Number. 1750

"My friends said to me, “I always has Johnson’s baby lotion in my cupboard.” “That’s funny,” I

replied “I just have Johnsons baby in mine”" Beauty

Joke Number. 1751

"Whenever I go into the toilet after my wife there is always a strong scent of air freshener. I'm so

glad she likes her new perfume." Beauty

Joke Number. 1752

I just bought a new pair of gloves, or so I thought. One of them is second hand. Beauty

Joke Number. 1753

"Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? A: The back of her head." Beauty

Joke Number. 1754

Today my fashion statement is, "I missed a spot shaving." Beauty

Joke Number. 1755

Surely if Alpecin works, you would end up with really hairy hands? Beauty

Joke Number. 1756

Bald people face discrimination. One guy told me he "can't help my kind," and asked me to

leave his shop! He was an awful barber anyway. Beauty

Joke Number. 1757

You`ve got teeth like a witch doctors necklace. Beauty

Joke Number. 1758

"What is the nickname given to Toddlers and Tiaras? The reason condoms were invented."

Beauty

Joke Number. 1759

"I've just booked an appointment with the new German barber. Herr Cut" Beauty

Joke Number. 1760

"New Eau de Condom by Calvin Klein... ...For him and for her!" Beauty

Joke Number. 1761

"I've just taken up speed reading. Last night I did war and peace in 20 seconds. I know it's only 3

words but it's a start!" Books

Joke Number. 1762

"I went to the book store earlier to buy a 'Where's Wally' book. When I got there, I couldn't find

the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played." Books

Joke Number. 1763

"I've been thinking of writing a mystery novel. Or have I?" Books

Joke Number. 1764

"Man goes into a library and asks for a book about French War Heroes. The librarian tells him to

try the fiction section." Books

Joke Number. 1765

I got banned from Waterstones today for moving all the 'Caution - Wet Floor' signs to the '50

Shades of Grey' shelf. Books

Joke Number. 1766

"I went to Waterstones today to get a book about conspiracies. There were none there.

Coincidence?" Books

Joke Number. 1767

Breaking News: Archaeologists digging at the site of Shakespeare's house have uncovered

thousands of monkey skeletons. Books

Joke Number. 1768

"I've just published a book on DIY. It's blank and comes with a free pen." Books

Joke Number. 1769

I ordered a joke book off Amazon last week.... but I didn't get it. Books

Joke Number. 1770

"Our new librarian is very polite. I think she is Italian. I've just taken a book back that was

months overdue but, rather than charging me, she just said, “That's-a-fine.” So I thanked her and

walked out." Books

Joke Number. 1771

"I've just bought a 3D Kindle. Or a book as it's commonly known." Books

Joke Number. 1772

"My mate just stole my Thesaurus. Frankly, I'm lost for words." Books

Joke Number. 1773

"A guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, your going to have to help me. Every morning I wake

up convinced that I wrote Lord of the Rings.” The doctor nods and replies, “Don't worry, you've

just been Tolkien in your sleep.”" Books

Joke Number. 1774

Whenever I worry that I've been wasting my life, I cheer myself up by remembering that I have

never read a Twilight book. Books

Joke Number. 1775

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down. Books

Joke Number. 1776

“"Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally,

Wally, Not Wally...” Where's Wally Audiobook" Books

Joke Number. 1777

"I spent almost an hour at the Bookstore yesterday signing Books. Which was pretty good, since

they caught me after just 25 minutes the last time." Books

Joke Number. 1778

"I've started dating Little Red Riding Hood's gran. She's an animal in bed." Books

Joke Number. 1779

After being escorted out of Kings Cross station with concussion I'm beginning to think my

HogwArts acceptance letter was a hoax. Books

Joke Number. 1780

Thanks to '50 Shades of Grey', my wife's Kindle now smells like 50 cans of tuna. Books

Joke Number. 1781

"I hope my new book does well. It's called “How to be concise and get straight to the point using

the minimum of diminutive words necessary to convey your meaning as clearly as possible

without overly long descriptions and explanations.”" Books

Joke Number. 1782

"I went to a Bookstore and asked the saleswoman: “Where's the self-help section?” She said that

if she told me, it would defeat the purpose." Books

Joke Number. 1783

"My brother has just set fire to one of my Mr Men Books. No more Mr Nice Guy." Books

Joke Number. 1784

"Newcastle v Reading today. Newcastle don't stand a chance; Geordies have never seen a book

never mind read one." Books

Joke Number. 1785

"I've just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It started off badly but, by the end, I really

liked it." Books

Joke Number. 1786

My mate finally finished writing his book about cooking with herbs. It's about thyme. Books

Joke Number. 1787

"How do you make a goldfish age? Take away the G." Books

Joke Number. 178

"I walked into Waterstones and asked, “Do you have any Books on 'How to stop impulse

buying'?” “Yes we do.” “Excellent. I'll take seventeen copies please.”" Books

Joke Number. 1789

"Hopefully I've got a book coming out soon. Admittedly, I don't think I should have eaten it in

the first place." Books

Joke Number. 1790

"My friend recommended a book to me. She said it was a real page turner. I was like, “yeah, I

know how Books work.”" Books

Joke Number. 1791

"J K Rowling is planning two Harry Potter sequels where he re-enters the world of the Muggles:

Harry Potter & the Tuition Fees of In affordability Harry Potter and the Unclimbable Housing

Ladder" Books

Joke Number. 1792

"I commute a lot, so I bought one of those new Apple iPads so I can read virtual Books on long

journeys. It's brilliant, it's just like reading a normal book except it runs out of batteries and it

gives me a migraine." Books

Joke Number. 1793

I've just read the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it. Books

Joke Number. 1794

"I found thousands of letters in my postbox today. That's the last time I order a dictionary from

IKEA." Books

Joke Number. 1795

I love my collection of Sat-Nav's and map Books, I'd be lost without them. Books

Joke Number. 1796

"I'm reading a book on helium at the moment. I'm having trouble putting it down." Books

Joke Number. 1797

"I've nearly finished writing my book about finding the perfect way to stab someone. All it needs

is a surprise twist at the end." Books

Joke Number. 1798

When it comes to breakfast, 3 bowls of porridge is the bear minimum. Books

Joke Number. 1799

"I've just written a book about the inventions of Thomas Edison. It's for those who enjoy a bit of

light reading." Books

Joke Number. 1800

"Too make a long story short...I didn't finish 'Lord of the Rings'." Books

Joke Number. 1801

You can accidentally change the outcome of any night by not noticing that typing 'pints' into

dictionary text first comes up as 'shots'. Books

Joke Number. 1802

"I just bought a new book 'Ventriloquism for Dummies'." Books

Joke Number. 1803

"Dear Stephanie Meyer, Please do a tour of Britain, explaining to women how your Books are

FICTIONAL. You're ruining my mojo. Sincerely, Lonely Teen" Books

Joke Number. 1804

There is nothing like getting to the end of a good book and thinking, AH! There’s Wally! Books

Joke Number. 1805

I enjoy going up to any woman reading the 50 shades of grey Books and asking them if they

have got to the part where the man dies! Books

Joke Number. 1806

I read Great Expectations - it wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be. Books

Joke Number. 1807

"Later on today, I plan to set alight a manifest of unholy lies. Sworn before God, and in protest to

tyranny, I plan to rid the world of the filth, blasphemy and falsehoods that have marred my

happiness for close to a decade. The wife will be furious, it's our only copy of the wedding

photos." Books

Joke Number. 1808

"Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true love and to be very romantic. Sure, if you

consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders

romantic." Books

Joke Number. 1809

"The Guardian Online: “Child abuse reviews to be published” When I get my copy, I think I’ll

queue up for hours to get the author to sign it." Books

Joke Number. 1810

"I'm currently reading 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. Which freaked me out because I didn't think he

knew anything about my life." Books

Joke Number. 1811

"I bought a book to help me overcome my shyness and it really works. Now I can talk to people

while hiding behind it." Books

Joke Number. 1812

I've just started reading a book about Fort Knox but I just can't get into it. Books

Joke Number. 1813

"If an infinite amount of monkeys had an infinite amount of typewriters how long would it take

them to write the complete works of Shakespeare? ...I don’t know but I reckon in the first three

seconds they'd have written the autobiography of Katie Price." Books

Joke Number. 1814

"Tomorrow sees the release of the audiobook of 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. Read by Joe Pasquale."

Books

Joke Number. 1815

"New Oxford Dictionary entry reads: Clown's pie (n). A very, very wet minge. “Finding

ourselves alone in the shooting lodge at Balmorals, Her Majesty bade me descend to her lady

garden. After 50 years of widowhood, I found her to be considerably aroused. It was like being

hit in the face with a clown's pie”. (From” “The memoirs of Queen Victoria's Ghyllie” by John

Brown )" Books

Joke Number. 1816

"A man walks into a library and asks for a book on how to be a taxi driver. The librarian replies

“It's just around the corner.”" Books

Joke Number. 1817

"I've just finished writing a book called “How to delegate.” Well, actually my wife wrote it.

But it was me who told her to." Books

Joke Number. 1818

"I'm pretending to the wife that I'm interested in the book 50 shades of grey. That way, she wont

think I'm a pervert when the film comes out." Books

Joke Number. 1819

"I love that Sickipedia have finally released a joke book! Now I can add published writer to my

CV All I have to do now is avoid applying for jobs were the boss is either disabled or part of any

ethnic minority" Books

Joke Number. 1820

"Some pages from J.K. Rowling's new 'adult' novel have been leaked on the internet. Chapter 1.

Fifty Eight year old Harold Potter was out for a walk near his old school when, suddenly, he saw

an owl flying towards him....." Books

Joke Number. 1821

"Loving the new Dr. Seuss book. Horton Hires a Ho" Books

Joke Number. 1822

You know your career's going nowhere when your autobiography is being sold in Pound land.

Books

Joke Number. 1823

"For the past 10 years, I've been trying but failing miserably to write my autobiography. Story of

my life." Books

Joke Number. 1824

"My mate Colin is a typical example of someone who's read Proust. He hasn't read it." Books

Joke Number. 1825

"John Milton wrote the book: Paradise lost. Then his wife died... And he wrote the book:

Paradise regained." Books

Joke Number. 1826

"Everyone keeps recommending I read “50 Shades of Grey.” I keep telling them I'm not

interested, at least not until they release the picture version." Books

Joke Number. 1827

Adrian Mole's diary wasn't actually very secret, was it? Books

Joke Number. 1828

Gryffindor: I'm brave and loyal. Raven claw: I'm smArt and logical. Slytherin: I'm ambitious and

cunning. Hufflepuff: ...I like turtles. Books

Joke Number. 1829

50 shades of grey... Is that a book about the sky during a typical British summer? Books

Joke Number. 1830

"Just remember women; whilst Fifty Shades of Grey may bring you climax it won't cuddle with

you after. I mean, neither will me, just saying..." Books

Joke Number. 1831

Someday trans-gender Pinocchio, you'll be a real girl. Books

Joke Number. 1832

I am busy reading a new dictionary. To be fair, it's not much different to the first one I read.

Books

Joke Number. 1833

"I was in our local library earlier today, when a small, round root vegetable came in and asked

the librarian if she had a book about suicide. I though “That's a turnip for the Books”" Books

Joke Number. 1834

By now, I think nearly everyone in the world knows who Harry Potter is... Unless they're locked

in a cupboard under some stairs. Books

Joke Number. 1835

"Say what you like about my wife, but she certainly knows her place. Ever since I bought her

that new bookmark." Books

Joke Number. 1836

I just bought the book 'Learn How to Read' and am now realizing the potential problem... Books

Joke Number. 1837

"Ever wonder what your Dreams mean? It means Bookshops can make loads of money by

selling Books to gullible people." Books

Joke Number. 1838

"What would you call an instruction manual for ventriloquists? A: Dummies for Dummies."

Books

Joke Number. 1839

"JK Rowling today is going to tell her story of press intrusion, Slight change of direction from

the Harry Potter Books..." Books

Joke Number. 1840

"As the old man stood in front of him in his robes clutching his wand.... Harry Potter regretted

transferring to catholic school" Books

Joke Number. 1841

"Many people see Shakespeare as the greatest literary of all time. Not me though, his most

famous line “ To be or not to be, that is the question?” I think he was just trying to decide which

pencil to use." Books

Joke Number. 1842

"I bought a book on practical jokes from Water stones today. When I got it home and opened it,

all the pages were blank and fell out. Books

Joke Number. 1843

"My mom wouldn't let me read or watch Harry Potter when I was little because she thought I

would start acting like a Wizard. Stupid muggle has no idea what she's talking about." Books

Joke Number. 1844

"I got my wife one of those Books I know she'll read over and over again. ‘Coping with Memory

Loss'." Books

Joke Number. 1845

Apparently "50 shades of grey" is the first book in history where there is no need for its readers

to lick their fingers to turn the pages. Books

Joke Number. 1846

"I've just finished my book on evaluating literature. It was alright." Books

Joke Number. 1847

"I originally wrote my novel with a start, a middle and an ending. It got rejected fourteen times.

So I rewrote it, putting half the middle first, then the start, followed by the ending and finished

with the rest of the middle. It was the same story, just told unintelligibly. It's now been published

for a million pounds, gone straight to the top of the bestsellers, got nominated for three awards

and the films due out next year." Books

Joke Number. 1848

"Just read a book about youth in Asia. Made me want to kill myself." Books

Joke Number. 1849

"A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on band wagons. “Oh, everyone

seems to be borrowing that one”" Books

Joke Number. 1850

"My wife loves glossy magazines. So I bought her a Dulux catalogue." Books

Joke Number. 1851

It's going to be really difficult to hold the Eurovision song contest next year with all of those

dementors hanging around. Books

Joke Number. 1852

"Kate and Gerry are bringing out a new book on how to raise your kids, it’s got lots of tips on

how to control their behavior. Top Tip no 1! Sacrifice one child so that the others behave.

Top Tip no 2! Remind them if they tell anyone the next holidays booked." Books

Joke Number. 1853

I always take a Dan Brown novel with me when I go for a dump. Not to read; to wipe with.

Books

Joke Number. 1854

Man goes into library & asks if they have any Books on numbers. The librarian says, "One or

two" Books

Joke Number. 1855

She asked me to be the Romeo to her Juliet, so I put her in an Artificial coma and killed myself.

Books

Joke Number. 1856

"So, Sickipedia have released an American Version of their Sick Joke book. Considering the

amount of jokes directed at them, I wouldn't think that they'd raise funds for a new server. Then

again, what do I know, I’m American." Books

Joke Number. 1857

I just read a book about hoovers..... The end sucked Books

Joke Number. 1858

If you think the ‘amazon kindle' text to speech option is a joke.. Try downloading 'A Brief

History of Time'...... Books

Joke Number. 1859

Trolls really get my goat. Books

Joke Number. 1860

"I went to see Twilight: New Moon because it is meant to be a modern take on Romeo and Juliet.

I was so disappointed when Edward and Bella didn't kill themselves." Books

Joke Number. 1861

My favorite character in The Jungle Book is Kaa the python, but then Mr. Kipling did make

exceedingly good snakes. Books

Joke Number. 1862

"I read a book called “The Swimming Pool”. It started off shallow but had a very deep end to it."

Books

Joke Number. 1863

"Just finished writing my new book. It's about existentialist philosophy and authentic existence,

for five to nine year olds. It's a picture book called: 'Why is Wally'." Books

Joke Number. 1864

I was looking for a Where's Wally joke the other day but I couldn't find it. Books

Joke Number. 1865

It turns out, if you lay out every book in a Waterstones branch, you get thrown out by security.

Books

Joke Number. 1866

"50 shades of day. And that concludes the Scottish weather report for the next 1,000,000 years."

Books

Joke Number. 1867

“"Star banned from leaving OZ” So you could say it's like some sort of prison. Let the Old times

Roll." Books

Joke Number. 1868

"I've got a book coming out soon. I shouldn't have eaten it, really." Books

Joke Number. 1869

"50 shades of Grey. The contents of Elton John’s Wig Drawer." Books

Joke Number. 1870

"My wife came to me the other day after finishing 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and suggested we take

some inspiration from the book in our relationship. “Absolutely! I'd love to.” I replied excitedly,

relishing the opportunity. I’m not sure it was what she had in mind when I wrote all over her,

bound her and sold her on the high street to a mug for 7.99." Books

Joke Number. 1871

"I've been saying I will make a dictionary the same height as me by the end of the month. With

the deadline approaching my Family think I’m going to give up, but I’ll stand by my words."

Books

Joke Number. 1872

I bought a book on double entendres but it was so big and hard, the postman couldn't get it in my

box. Books

Joke Number. 1873

"I was reading a scary book today but it kept trying to get away from me. Spineless git. Books

Joke Number. 1874

"I've written a book on how to deal with rejection... Unfortunately I couldn't find anybody

willing to publish it, so tonight I'm going to kill all of my Family and friends and then jump in

front of a train." Books

Joke Number. 1875

Spending years studying a book, looking over again and again the vast complex lines and

constantly looking for the messages and meanings, getting to know and love the characters and

locations presented to you. Only to discover he's behind the elephant. Books

Joke Number. 1876

"A man goes up to Quasimodo from 'The Hunchback of Notre-Dame'. He says, “Hey Quasi,

what's that lump in your pocket?” He replies, “It's a photo of our kid...”" Books

Joke Number. 1877

"I've just finished reading the autobiography of the world's most modest man. He wasn't in it

much." Books

Joke Number. 1878

"In his book, Tony Blair says he would make love to his wife up to 5 times a night. And there

was me thinking the decision to go into Iraq was a difficult one" Books

Joke Number. 1879

"I have finally worked out the reason that Fifty Shades of Grey had to be split into 3 Books. It's

because otherwise it would be too big and too heavy to read with one hand." Books

Joke Number. 1880

"So David Beckham's biography is set to be a 'picture book'. Surprise surprise..." Books

Joke Number. 1881

"I bought a book called 'Mathematics for dummies'. All the answers were wrong." Books

Joke Number. 1882

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. Books

Joke Number. 1883

I have started a pressure group to get ambiguous words removed from the dictionary. We meet

biweekly Books

Joke Number. 1884

"My wife criticizes everything I do, so I bought the book to kill a mockingbird. Few tips on

racism but nothing on how to dispose of a spouse." Books

Joke Number. 1885

"A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide. Unfortunately the library was all out,

so the librarian just offered him Twilight." Books

Joke Number. 1886

"It once took me three days to read a book. And three cops to remove me from the library."

Books

Joke Number. 1887

"Kim Jong-Il, Bin Laden and Gaddafi all in the one year? 2011 is clearly being written by

George R.R. MArtin." Books

Joke Number. 1888

"I'm being a thoughtful husband and buying my wife the audio version of fifty shades of grey,

that'll mean she has both hands free to pleasure herself. By finishing the ironing." Books

Joke Number. 1889

"A black man, a ginger, and a suicide bomber walk into a library, and the librarian says “Is this

some sort of sick joke?”" Books

Joke Number. 1890

Stieg Larsson, the author of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is dead so, tragically, we will never

know whether the tattoo was of Duncan, James, Deborah, Peter or Theo. Books

Joke Number. 1891

"I wrote the book on learning to read. We sold twelve copies." Books

Joke Number. 1892

A man goes into the library and asks for a book on flogging a dead horse... Books

Joke Number. 1893

"Addicted to my 'How to love a sick dog' book I can't put it down." Books

Joke Number. 1894

"I've just been reading a book that conclusively proves that future comes before past. It's called

The Oxford English dictionary." Books

Joke Number. 1895

"1895 AD - H. G. Wells publishes the book 'The time Machine'. 1896 AD - H.G. Wells writes

the book 'The time Machine'." Books

Joke Number. 1896

Just been reading a book which, apparently, is all the rage, about a girl who cheats in her A level

exams to achieve higher marks. Boring! Can't see what all the fuss is about 'Shifty Grades of

Faye'! Books

Joke Number. 1897

"I wrote a book on coffee. Without it I would never have met the deadline." Books

Joke Number. 1898

"That Jeffrey Archer looks like he's got a temper on him. I'd hate to be in his bad Books." Books

Joke Number. 1899

I’ve just finished reading a book about a well-loved but ill dog, it was really hard to put it down

Books

Joke Number. 1900

"Can anybody think of a different word for thesaurus? Hang on, let me just check my onomastic

on." Books

Joke Number. 1901

"Guinness world records. Proof that before something amazing, there must first be alcohol."

Books

Joke Number. 1902

"If I was an author I'd write Books for kids. Smaller audience." Books

Joke Number. 1903

"The last Harry Potter film was so predictable. I could read it like a book!" Books

Joke Number. 1904

Mr. Samuel Johnston had just published the first proper English dictionary. A grand lady

congratulated him for not including curse words. "Ah,” replied Johnston, "You have been

looking for them, I presume." Books

Joke Number. 1905

Ever notice how Voldemort has a diary, necklace, ring, tiara and an obsession with a famous

teenage boy? No one but me finds this awkward, apparently. Books

Joke Number. 1906

"I've just started reading a book called “Jokes for Dummies.” Chapter 1: Learning

ventriloquism." Books

Joke Number. 1907

"I got angry when my girlfriend wouldn't tell me about the book she was reading. I beat 50

shades of grey out of her." Books

Joke Number. 1908

"I joined my mates in the pub to find them going on about elves, wizards and hobbits. I have no

idea what they're Tolkien about." Books

Joke Number. 1909

Just finished reading the girl who kicked the hornets’ nest, it wasn't that good but the part were

she got stung to death was hilarious. Books

Joke Number. 1910

"I spent a few hours in The Red Room of Pain last week, queuing in the Post Office for my road

tax." Books

Joke Number. 1911

A friend told me "50 Shades of Grey is a great way to silence your wife". So i bought a copy and

beat her to death with it............. Books

Joke Number. 1912

"A Man walks into a library and asks for a book on Bandwagon's He jumped on it" Books

Joke Number. 1913

Before I go to sleep I always do some light reading. It's a lot easier than dark reading. Books

Joke Number. 1914

"My girlfriend has left me because I spend all my time reading eBooks. I don’t want to lose my

relationship so I am hoping to re-kindle it." Books

Joke Number. 1915

"I'm really not looking forward to having to tell my friend that he's not been chosen to play the

prince in my upcoming production of Snow White. He's going to be Grumpy." Books

Joke Number. 1916

"I'm currently reading a book about a bird watching club that's used as a cover by a group of

swingers. It's full of trysts and terns." Books

Joke Number. 1917

"I've just seen a bloke spray painting a blond haired male reporter and a little white dog on the

front of his car. I think he was Tin-Tin his windows." Books

Joke Number. 1918

J.K. Rowling’s new novel is said to be the best fiction writing since George Osborne’s Budget

Books

Joke Number. 1919

"The double standards of book censorship amazes me. Basically the same book has been banned

and then released again. 'Madeleine: The Book' hits shelves this week but yet 'If I Did It' by OJ

Simpson gets banned on its first release. Hypocrites." Books

Joke Number. 1920

"Feeling depressed? Life not going how you wanted it to and its noticeable by the tone in your

voice? Why not make a living narrating audioBooks." Books

Joke Number. 1921

Quick money making: Sell dictionaries to the Yanks, but call them "crossword answers". Books

Joke Number. 1922

"I just sold my old Snow White book for 15 quid. That really is a fair retail story!" Books

Joke Number. 1923

"I took a friend to the book store with me today. I wanted a book on self-confidence and my luck

was in, he managed to get one for me." Books

Joke Number. 1924

"I was fired from my job as a proof reader. They gave me the McCanns book, I couldn't find

any." Books

Joke Number. 1925

Shakespeare is credited with the invention of hundreds of new words, which just goes to show

that monkeys make terrible proofreaders. Books

Joke Number. 1926

Anyone else see the flaw in "Sickipedia book American Version now available" ... Books

Joke Number. 1927

"I went out and bought a book today and flicked to the back page. So to all you dirty little

women reading that dirty little book out there. She kills him at the end." Books

Joke Number. 1928

"Susan Boyle has released her new autobiographical erotic book, so far it’s been critically

panned for obvious reasons. It's called “50 shaves a day”" Books

Joke Number. 1929

Just finished 50 shades of pink. Its a true story about a man, his washing machine and an elusive

red sock. Books

Joke Number. 1930

"My friend asked me, “Why is there a book in your fridge?” I said, “It's chilling.”" Books

Joke Number. 1931

"I heard someone say “You can't be a true Harry Potter fan, unless you've read the Books.”

Here's an idea: why don't we start calling the people who read the Books 'Pure-bloods' and the

people who only saw the films 'mud-bloods'." Books

Joke Number. 1932

"Which John Milton novel is about why he can't play Monopoly anymore? Pair o' dice lost"

Books

Joke Number. 1933

So they're making a 50 Shades of Grey Movie? I'd hate to be the guy mopping the cinema floor

after that shows. Books

Joke Number. 1934

A recent survey of women who read 50 Shades of Gray. Most read it with their fingers Books

Joke Number. 1935

"I got fed up with all this unwritten rules nonsense. So I published a book. It's called Rules."

Books

Joke Number. 1936

"I’m writing a book on Indian curries. Its naan-fiction." Books

Joke Number. 1937

Voldemort is like a teenage girl. He has a diary, a tiara, a special cup, a pet he adores, and an

obsession with a famous teenage boy. Books

Joke Number. 1938

I'm still awaiting the arrival of my new book from EBay, 'How to Avoid Internet Scams'. Books

Joke Number. 1939

"My wife's been saying she'd love to meet a real-life Mr. Grey. Stupid cow should've paid more

attention when we watched Reservoir Dogs." Books

Joke Number. 1940

"I've just read the Civil Service Staff handbook. It's called “50 Grades of pay”" Books

Joke Number. 1941

Twining’s have recently developed a new erotic breakfast tea, Fifty Shades of Earl Grey. Books

Joke Number. 1942

I hope Mr. Grey gets aids Books

Joke Number. 1943

"Most '50 Shades of Grey' jokes on record. I blame a wet July." Books

Joke Number. 1944

"What does Stephen Hawking have in common with Books? They both look worse with broken

spines." Books

Joke Number. 1945

"I'm about to release my new book on joblessness soon. Still needs work though." Books

Joke Number. 1946

Going to have to keep a very close eye on my tatty old dog with the missus, After all he is 50

shades of grey. Books

Joke Number. 1947

"The Black Guy to English dictionary Joke Number. 1; “Awwwww sheit!” - Oh dear, there appears to be

something wrong" Books

Joke Number. 1948

"David Kelly walks in to a Library. “Do you have a textbook on suicides” “Sorry” says the

Librarian, “a bloke from MI6 just borrowed it”" Books

Joke Number. 1949

"While Stephen King suffered from writer's block he inadvertently wrote The Shining. I hope my

tale of child mo----ation achieves similar success." Books

Joke Number. 1950

"My wife has been moaning and complaining a lot recently so I thought I’d buy that new book

“50 shades of grey” as a surprise. You should have seen the look on her face when i smacked her

round the head with it." Books

Joke Number. 1951

"'50 Shades of Grey' is about a guy who gets a young girl to sign her whole life over to him? So a

bit like Josef Fritz with a contract!" Books

Joke Number. 1952

"Suarez and Evra. Still a better love story than twilight." Books

Joke Number. 1953

"72 year old, Geoffrey Leonard EVERY PAEDOPHILE'S HERO! Order his “How to Books”

now!" Books

Joke Number. 1954

As the young officer studied the oak door, he was reminded of his girlfriend -- for she was also

slightly unhinged, occasionally sticky and responded well to being stripped and given a light

oiling Books

Joke Number. 1955

"I can't wait for Reading Waterstones is going to be wild!" Books

Joke Number. 1956

"Due to the popularity of “50 shades of grey”, a new underwear range will soon be in shops.

Think I will stick with my own brand though.... 50 shades of brown." Books

Joke Number. 1957

"They’re coming out with a 50 Shades Of Grey women's under wear line. That's nothing new my

boxers have been 50 shades for months now." Books

Joke Number. 1958

"My Girlfriend has moved onto the fourth book in the series. She’s now reading Fifty Shades of

Make Me a Sandwich." Books

Joke Number. 1959

My dog just sat on my keyboard and came out with the next twilight book. Books

Joke Number. 1960

"CALENDAR FACT: All the seasons are named after coils of metal. Except winter and summer.

And Autumn." Calendar

Joke Number. 1961

People are going on about how the date 10/10/10 only comes once in 100 years.... umm doesn't

the date 9/10/10 or 11/10/10 also only come once every 100 years? Calendar

Joke Number. 1962

"I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off." Calendar

Joke Number. 1963

"Fact of Life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F" calendar

Joke Number. 1964

March 4th... I like today's date because it sounds like I'm telling people what to do. Calendar

Joke Number. 1965

"They say that the world will be over in 2012 because that's when the Mayan calendar ends. My

calendar ends this December, should I be worried?" calendar

Joke Number. 1966

"The government say I can't get my pension yet, as I am only 22. I hate being born on a leap

year... All my friends are 88." Calendar

Joke Number. 1967

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. Calendar

Joke Number. 1968

"Christmas is coming the goose is getting fat, please put a tenner in the old man's hat, If you

haven’t got a tenner, then a fiver will do, If you haven't got a fiver, Then feel free to come to

Britain and get everything paid for you." Calendar

Joke Number. 1969

"I've just bought a Monsters Inc. advent calendar. Every time you open a door it's a different

child's bedroom." Calendar

Joke Number. 1970

"I just saw a calendar for sale, “Michael Jackson 1958-2009”. I didn't buy it, I wanted a 2010

calendar." Calendar

Joke Number. 1971

Somebody snuck into my house today and put a moist cloth on my calendar, which has really put

a damper on my whole month. Calendar

Joke Number. 1972

"I just opened the door to the most beautiful angel that I have ever seen. She was dressed in silk

and she let me lick her all over. Shame it was the last door on my advent calendar." Calendar

Joke Number. 1973

"I really want to win a lifetime's supply of calendars. So I know when I'm going to die."

Calendar

Joke Number. 1974

I can't wait till march 4th, it's my favorite day because when people ask me what the date is it's

like I'm sending them into battle. Calendar

Joke Number. 1975

"I got the perfect calendar for 2010. A different girl posing in different positions each month.

Shame I don't support Liverpool." Calendar

Joke Number. 1976

I'll never buy one of those abhorrent word of the day calendars. Calendar

Joke Number. 1977

"First it was Black Friday, then came Kwanzaa and then Black History Month. If we're not

careful, they'll steal the entire calendar!" calendar

Joke Number. 1978

"1000 places to see before you die 2013 - daily picture calendar Now I'm no mathematician

but..." calendar

Joke Number. 1979

Why was I getting such angry looks at taking some pictures at Brittany Murphy’s wake? I think

this 2010 calendar is going to look her hottest yet. Calendar

Joke Number. 1980

"We've been given a 2011 calendar from the local takeaway. My girlfriend said “Quick give it

here, I want to see what day my birthday's on next year”. After she finished she asked “Do you

want to check what day yours is on?” “There's no need” I replied “my birthday is the 9th of June

every year”." Calendar

Joke Number. 1981

"I'm so awesome and I have lots of friends!! Just kidding, April Fools! Sigh..." calendar

Joke Number. 1982

"I asked Microsoft online help if the had a chocolate bar with Caramel, NougArt and Hazelnuts.

It replied “No Topics Found”" calendar

Joke Number. 1983

"Its Mayday today, apparently you are meant to rub your face in the morning dew. I only know a

Muslim, does that count?" calendar

Joke Number. 1984

"I made my own advent calendar this year with a picture of my wife behind every door. I slowly

open a door each morning just to remind her that there's nowhere to hide." Calendar

Joke Number. 1985

"Forgot about 10/10/10 10:10:10.. Well there's always next time." Calendar

Joke Number. 1986

"And don't get the Jim Morrison Advent Calendar either. The Doors keep breaking on through to

the other side." Calendar

Joke Number. 1987

"The Calendar: Only for the week minded" calendar

Joke Number. 1988

"Everyone likes white snow. People put up with brown snow. Everyone hates black snow.

There's even racism in snow form." Calendar

Joke Number. 1989

"Santa walked in on Mrs Claus having an affair. Hoe, hoe, hoe." Calendar

Joke Number. 1990

"Hollister Sale - Socks; Was: 9.99 Now: 9.98" calendar

Joke Number. 1991

"I was driving the other day, when I saw a milkmaid in the street So I decided to Flora."

Calendar

Joke Number. 1992

Every time I write the date today I'm scared I'll accidentally design a computer program.

Calendar

Joke Number. 1993

"The doctor has told my wife that we have a high probability of having a cancer baby. By my

reckoning it's only one in twelve." Calendar

Joke Number. 1994

"I got sacked from my job for complaining that all the calendars are a year behind for the third

year running. Apparently, I wasn't intelligent enough to work at the Calendar Recycling

Factory." Calendar

Joke Number. 1995

"My mate just spent an hour and a half sat in one spot desperately trying to put up a tent.

Camping noob." Camping

Joke Number. 1996

I think we should get some polar bears to help with the evictions at Dale Farm, I heard that

they're pretty good at clearing out campsites. Camping

Joke Number. 1997

"I promised my romantic girlfriend the other day that I would stay up with until we see the sun

rise in the British countryside A week later I'm starting to fall asleep." Camping

Joke Number. 1998

"After we all finished our main meal I asked the party if they'd like Baby Jellies. One young lady

laughed 'they're Jelly Babies!' Confusion was soon lifted when I brought out the dessert"

camping

Joke Number. 1999

"I despise bears so imagine my horror when out camping in the wilds, I ran into one. Knowing it

was me or him, I didn't give him time to think and blasted him three times in the head with my

hunting rifle. Even though I had escaped this time, my ordeal got a whole lot worse. Mrs. Grylls

reported me to the Police and I'm now facing a murder charge." Camping

Joke Number. 2000

"An atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon Forest suddenly finds himself surrounded by a group

of blood thirsty Cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, “Oh God,

I'm screwed this time!” Suddenly there is a ray of light from Heaven and a voice booms out,

“No, you are not screwed. All you have to do is pick up that rock at your feet and bash in the

head of the chief cannibal standing in front of you”. So the explorer picks up the rock and

proceeds to bash the chief unconscious. As he stands over the body, breathing heavily and

surrounded by hundreds of Cannibals with looks of shock and anger on their faces, God's voice

booms out again and says, “OK.....Now You're screwed”." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2001

Do Cannibals refer to homeless people as Free Range? Cannibals

Joke Number. 2002

"People make me sick. I guess I should stop eating them." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2003

"Two Cannibals come across a missionary in the jungle. After killing the man, they decide to

split the body evenly. “Look,” said one cannibal. “I'll start at the head, and you start at the feet,

and we'll meet in the middle.” So the two begin to devour the man's body. After a short while,

the cannibal at the head looks up and says, “How's it going down there?” “I'm having a ball!”

replied the other. “No!” shouted the first cannibal. “You're eating too fast!”" Cannibals

Joke Number. 2004

"Did you hear about the cannibal who only ate vegetables? He particularly like the ones with

Down's Syndrome" Cannibals

Joke Number. 2005

"My wife asked me if I thought we should have another baby. I said, “Slow down there love, the

legs are still in the freezer. Let us finish this one first.”" Cannibals

Joke Number. 2006

"One of the things I really miss about my wife is the smell of her cooking. I have to admit

though, she did taste rather nice along with the roast veg." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2007

I believe it's the child inside me which makes me a cannibal. Cannibals

Joke Number. 2008

"I turned up late to my cannibal convention they gave me the cold shoulder" Cannibals

Joke Number. 2009

"A cannibal returned from a holiday missing a leg. “What happened?” asked his friend. “It was

self-catering.” he replied." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2010

"I accidentally ran over a baby the other day. Which means legally, I can take it home for lunch."

Cannibals

Joke Number. 2011

Cannibalism means every fight is a food fight. Cannibals

Joke Number. 2012

"You are what you eat" should only apply to Cannibals. Cannibals

Joke Number. 2013

"Dilemma: An older mature woman or younger foxy girl? Clearly the latter. After all, Happy

Meals are cheaper than Chardonnay." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2014

Cannibalism. Putting the "EAT" in "DEATH". Cannibals

Joke Number. 2015

"Note to self when informing the relatives of a murder victim that the killer was also a cannibal!

Remember to tell them that we found remains, and not left overs." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2016

"What do you call a bee that eats other bees? Hannibal Nectar." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2017

"My friend and I met a girl in a club last night. We asked her if she was up for a spit roast. She

was very keen on the idea. Right up until we tried to stuff an apple in her mouth." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2018

Stephen Hawking - cannibal’s favorite meal on wheels. Cannibals

Joke Number. 2019

"I've just took the wife out for dinner. I'll have her later, she's got to defrost first." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2020

"I love working in the abortion clinic. I've not had to go out and buy food for 6 months now."

Cannibals

Joke Number. 2021

"Hear about the vegetarian cannibal? He only eats swedes" Cannibals

Joke Number. 2022

"Let's eat Grandpa! Let's eat, Grandpa! Commas, save lives." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2023

"Reuters: “British surgeons separate very rare conjoined twins”. I prefer mine well done."

Cannibals

Joke Number. 2024

If you ate yourself would you get fatter or just disappear? Cannibals

Joke Number. 2025

"When can Cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2026

"I've decided that I'm anti-abortion. They taste better alive." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2027

Cannibals - there's a good person in all of them. Cannibals

Joke Number. 2028

"I've just had a urine test. Someone just phoned me up and said “You in?”" Cannibals

Joke Number. 2029

USA and Britain have finally apologized for their part in the slave trade in the 18th and 19th

centuries, and so they should. But in the spirit of going forward, shouldn't certain African tribes

apologize for cooking vicars in enormous metal cauldrons and stealing their top hats? Cannibals

Joke Number. 2030

"My wife is always saying “Waste not, want not.” But then yesterday she said I was rude and

tacky when I asked for a doggie bag! Anyway it turns out they don't have them at the abortion

clinic." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2031

"My wife is busy cooking and I can't wait. I'd say another hour or so before she's tender. I'm

starving." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2032

"I attended a seminar at uni today when the tutor claimed he'd once eaten a man's liver with some

fava beans and a nice Chianti. Must've been a Hannibal Lecture." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2033

"I managed to convince my best mate to let me spit-roast his wife last night. Unfortunately she

was too much for us to eat in one sitting, but at least his Children will have something in their

pack lunch tomorrow." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2034

"I had a Chinese girl once. Half an hour later, I wanted another one. It's hard work sometimes,

being a cannibal." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2035

Cannibal: someone who really is fed up with people Cannibals

Joke Number. 2036

"Two Cannibals are talking. - I don't like my mother-in-law...- That's fine, mate, just eat the

chips then." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2037

"What's the Difference between an abortion and a McDonald's big breakfast? The scrambled

eggs from McDonald's are inedible." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2038

"My wife just got back from the butchers ....now which part should i eat first?" Cannibals

Joke Number. 2039

My girlfriend has always said to me you are what you eat. So today I killed Cheryl Cole tied my

girlfriend down to the bed and made her eat the corpse Cannibals

Joke Number. 2040

Is cease fire just the American word for reloading? Cannibals

Joke Number. 2041

"My girlfriend says she can always smell feet in my house. Which is fair enough as I have 3

Tesco bags full of em under my bed...." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2042

"I'm personally neither for nor against abortion. But if one ever got offered to me on a plate I

wouldn't turn it down." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2043

"I think I've had enough of my girlfriend. At least there is enough left for sandwiches tomorrow."

Cannibals

Joke Number. 2044

I bought a car off a cannibal earlier and got ripped off. Cost me an arm and a leg. Cannibals

Joke Number. 2045

"I don't understand why the Crossbow Cannibal left over so many body parts of his victims!

Maybe he'd bitten off more than he could chew!" Cannibals

Joke Number. 2046

As a cannibal, I often find the term 'baby food' very misleading. Cannibals

Joke Number. 2047

"As soon as I walked into the Cannibals’ dinner party, someone gave me handshake. It was

delicious." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2048

"What do Dyslexic Cannibals eat? Brians." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2049

Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal Cannibals

Joke Number. 2050

"I didn't know what to make of the salesman who called to my door earlier. So I went for an old

favorite. With fava beans and a nice Chianti." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2051

Do vegetarians count towards my 5 a day? Cannibals

Joke Number. 2052

"My girlfriend said that she wanted a fairytale relationship. So I ate her Grandmother." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2053

"A cannibal says to his mate, “That bloke I just ate keeps repeating on me.” “What was his

name?” His mate asks. “Dave.”" Cannibals

Joke Number. 2054

"I had some friends for dinner yesterday. We were snowed in and I had to eat something."

Cannibals

Joke Number. 2055

"I was always told to eat my vegetables. I still can't get my wife's screams out of my head as I

tucked into our paraplegic son, Johnny." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2056

"Two Cannibals are having dinner. “Your wife makes a great roast,” one of them says. “I know,'

the other replies, “but I sure am going to miss her.”" Cannibals

Joke Number. 2057

"I just got the new ginger version of Facebook today. It's exactly the same but it removes all the

friends’ options." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2058

"My wife’s been cooking for just over an hour now. It serves her right for marrying a cannibal."

Cannibals

Joke Number. 2059

"People in work think I'm weird because I told them that I think babies smell nice. I didn't even

get the chance to add “after 3 hours at 150 degrees.”" Cannibals

Joke Number. 2060

"I was sat with a tribe of Cannibals when the chief's daughter gave me the eye. I would have

preferred a leg." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2061

"BBC News: Officials seek ways to double the number of tigers in the world. Just cut them in

half." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2062

A word of Advice, never accept a cup of Joe from a cannibal Cannibals

Joke Number. 2063

"It was when I made sausages on my work experience that I vowed never again to work in a

cannibal's butchers shop. What a way to make ends meat." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2064

"My wife refuses to cook. I probably need to turn the oven up." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2065

If I ever met a cannibal, I'd give him a piece of my mind Cannibals

Joke Number. 2066

I just can't wait to see the look on the faces of the families when the rescue starts at the Chilean

mine and they realize that there's just one, very fat miner left down there. Cannibals

Joke Number. 2067

"My wife makes a nice sandwich. Next I think I'll eat the mother-in-law." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2068

I don't mind a Chinese, but I couldn't eat a full one though. Cannibals

Joke Number. 2069

"How do you make an abortion more interesting? Have it with chips!" Cannibals

Joke Number. 2070

"Did you hear about the Cannibals who decided to make a stew? They all had a hand in it."

Cannibals

Joke Number. 2071

"I find it hard to eat my five vegetables a day. Mongs are so hard to find these days." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2072

"Once, we got seriously lost on a holiday, and eventually even had to resort to cannibalism to

survive. It was tough, but our choices were either that or McDonalds." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2073

"Me and my mate spitroasted this brilliant girl the other day. She cooked well, and tasted

delicious." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2074

"I always give my dog leftover bones from my dinner for him to chew on. As well as being a

tasty snack, it also removes any last bit of DNA from the person they came from." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2075

"I've just opened a Cannibal themed restaurant. We would love to have you for dinner."

Cannibals

Joke Number. 2076

"I was sitting among a tribe of Cannibals when one handed me a plate full of human digits. It

was a finger buffet." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2077

Nothing beats the taste of freshly baked cakes in the oven Cannibals

Joke Number. 2078

"I just bought a Chinese recipe book for Cannibals. It's called, 'Dead Man Wokking'." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2079

"My Nan made a lovely dinner today with just cauliflower, peas and gravy. Not only healthy, but

she tasted delicious." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2080

"A man gets stranded on a mysterious island where he comes across a stranger. Slightly worried

he asks the stranger “are there any Cannibals on this island?” At which the stranger replies “no,

no, no don't worry there aren't any Cannibals here..... I ate the last one”" Cannibals

Joke Number. 2081

"Having the boss and his wife round for dinner I tried to make everything perfect. I set the table,

got out the best china and helped cook in the kitchen with the wife ... Despite the best wine, the

wife's meat being perfectly tender, lovely music, it soon became obvious when the police arrived

.... That they weren't into cannibalism." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2082

"What's the Difference between potatoes and people? I don't eat the eyes of a potato." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2083

"Scientists discovered two things today: A new diet-plan for Cannibals; And a cure for

Anorexia." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2084

"Just overheard my colleague say to another colleague “Sorry, I didn't mean to bite your head

off”. It's hardly something you do by accident, is it?" Cannibals

Joke Number. 2085

"What do Mexican Cannibals like to eat? Refried Beings." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2086

I wonder if Cannibals are advised to try and eat five swedes a day. Cannibals

Joke Number. 2087

"My wifes been cooking for over an hour and still isn't done. I need to take her out and check the

stove." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2088

At a Family Barbecue, I ended up falling out with everyone because not one of them even gave

my girlfriend a chance they just stared at her black skin, I had to eat most of her myself. Racists.

Cannibals

Joke Number. 2089

If the Crossbow Cannibal hadn't bolted his food there would have been fewer leftovers to attract

attention. Cannibals

Joke Number. 2090

Cannibals must love finger food. Cannibals

Joke Number. 2091

"They say you are what you eat, so how come I'm not a dead abandoned baby?" Cannibals

Joke Number. 2092

“"Don't put your elbows on the table, it's rude”, said one cannibal to the other." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2093

"Butchers pedigree chunks", Quality dog food coated in a thick gravy sauce with minerals &

herbs extracts.. "Made in china." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2094

"My wife makes the best Sunday dinner. Until the kids noticed her tattoo on the roast."

Cannibals

Joke Number. 2095

Baby food tastes nothing like baby... Cannibals

Joke Number. 2096

"Finally got the ex. out of my system. Suppose it’s back to buying meat from the butchers

again." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2097

"I find it surprising there's all this uproar about eating a couple of genetically mutilated cows and

how dangerous and morally wrong it is. Come on, even if I had to do most of the work, a night

with 2 slags from Norfolk can't be that bad?" Cannibals

Joke Number. 2098

"Right then, checklist for tonight. Cianti. Check. Fava beans. Check Great. Now all I have to do

is sit tight and wait for this census man." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2099

"My mates call me Pepperami. Not because I’ve got a fiery temper. It’s because I ate my kids."

Cannibals

Joke Number. 2100

"Dedication. Sacrifice. Guts. Glory. You need all these to be an Olympian... or a cannibal."

Cannibals

Joke Number. 2101

"I saw a Department of Health poster in the waiting room at the doctor's today. It showed two

sunburnt Children on a beach with the caption, “Kids Cook Quick”. Nonsense. In my experience

they take about 25 minutes per pound." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2102

"Stallone’s son is dead? It's a good job I'm a cannibal, Sage goes well with pork." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2103

"Our local Age Concern shop had its shutters down today. I wonder if they were busy making

Soy lent Green..." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2104

"A girl came up to me last night and said with a smile, “My mate wants a piece of you.” It wasn't

the best thing to hear at a cannibal party." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2105

"I'm cooking Christmas dinner with the wife this year. I know turkey is more traditional, but I'm

sure she'll taste alright." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2106

If you are a literal minded cannibal, self-catering vacations are a bad idea Cannibals

Joke Number. 2107

"I think that my daughter is becoming sick. She just doesn't seem to be settling well in my

stomach." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2108

A friend has just come off holiday but he's lost an arm. He said that he'll never be going Self

Catering ever again....... Cannibals

Joke Number. 2109

"You are what you eat. Be yourself." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2110

"I'm the only guy I know who prefers big fat girls. But then again, I'm also the only cannibal I

know." Cannibals

Joke Number. 2111

"Don't bother sending your Children's toys to Africa. Can you imagine how depressing it must be

for those kids to receive a Tamagotchi that's going to outlive them?" Charity

Joke Number. 2112

"What bounces and makes kids cry? My donation cheque to Children in Need." Charity

Joke Number. 2113

"I was approached by a member of Greenpeace in the street the other day and he told me that if I

don't donate 2 a month then people in Africa will die. I can’t believe Greenpeace employ such

violent people." Charity

Joke Number. 2114

Finally. A natural disaster in a country I don't have to give money to. Charity

Joke Number. 2115

If you're struggling to provide for your kids, just send them to Africa and donate 2 per month.

Charity

Joke Number. 2116

Want to be Invisible to other people? Just stand in the doorway of a supermarket holding a

Charity tin. Charity

Joke Number. 2117

"I think my mate is racist. I asked him to record Sport Relief last night and I told him not to

bother with any of the boring bits but just the funny stuff. I've just watched two hours of dying

Africans." Charity

Joke Number. 2118

"I was flagged down outside Greggs in the town centre today by a hippy chick with beads in her

hair, ripped jeans, open-toed sandals and a blue RSPCA polo shirt. She saw me from a good 50

yards away and started waving her clipboard and grinning inanely at me. I did the obligatory

look over my shoulder, look back at her, and point at myself whilst mouthing 'me?' routine,

sighed and headed towards her. She bounced into the air and landed her face not three inches

from mine, close enough to smell the quorn nuggets on her breath. “Hiya! Are you OK?! My

name's Casa...” I held up my finger to her face and gently touched it to her lips, dragging it

slowly from one side of her mouth to the other like a stoned metronome. Then without breaking

eye contact once, I leant in even closer to her face and said softly, “When I was nine, I beat a

puppy to death with a spade and threw it onto the roof of my neighbor’s conservatory.” Then I

walked away, but not before screaming “RARGHH!” at some nearby pigeons." Charity

Joke Number. 2119

"Despite the recession Comic Relief raised 57m. I'd love to see Lenny Henry's face when my

cheque for 55m bounces! Well worth the 40 quid charge." Charity

Joke Number. 2120

Don’t spend two quid to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean

it and put it on a hanger. Next morning, buy it back for seventy five pence. Charity

Joke Number. 2121

"Comic Relief-Do Something Funny for Money. I pushed a paki in front of a bus then nicked his

wallet." Charity

Joke Number. 2122

"Have you heard of the 'Computers for Africa' Charity supplying the poorest regions with

Computers and laptops to help with education? It must be nice for them to look forward to

getting a virus which isn't HIV." Charity

Joke Number. 2123

"Due to the recession, I suggest 'Comic Relief' be renamed 'Economic Relief'. Money raised

would go to people shafted by the government, instead of AIDS-ridden Africans, paraplegics and

spastics who clearly have nothing to live for anyway." Charity

Joke Number. 2124

"Please give generously to Comic Relief. Just 30 000 is enough to send a washed up, B-list

comedian and a film crew on an all-expenses paid holiday to Africa." Charity

Joke Number. 2125

"TV: So please, dig deep into your pockets and give generously... I would, but they're round my

ankles at the minute." Charity

Joke Number. 2126

For just 10 a month, you can reduce your annual salary by 120. Charity

Joke Number. 2127

"After watching Comic Relief and seeing all the poverty it's made me realize how lucky I am. I

got my 32 inch HD TV half price on the last day of the sale, it's like the flies are actually in the

room." Charity

Joke Number. 2128

"I'm all for blokes growing a moustache for Movember. But did my wife have to join in."

Charity

Joke Number. 2129

"I shaved my eyebrows off for Charity. Turns out they would have preferred money." Charity

Joke Number. 2130

With your help and continued support, from as little as 25 pounds a month, little orphan Mwogli

can have 600 minutes and unlimited texts. Charity

Joke Number. 2131

"How do you kill an African child? Cancel the direct debit." Charity

Joke Number. 2132

"I'm going to sit in a bath of baked beans on Red Nose Day. Not for money. Just a show of

contempt at the starving." Charity

Joke Number. 2133

"Tip for Charity collectors: Try standing outside Marks & Spencer and not Poundland." Charity

Joke Number. 2134

"I didn't give to Comic Relief this time. I've already donated over 600 quid to deprived inner

city ethnic minorities this year. None of it voluntarily." Charity

Joke Number. 2135

"Tired of busy city streets? Simply wear a bright jacket with a Charity name on the back and

watch people swerve you." Charity

Joke Number. 2136

"What smells of fish and sweat? Race for Life." Charity

Joke Number. 2137

"Lenny Henry: “I'm going to send these kids to a better place to stay.” Premier Inn?" Charity

Joke Number. 2138

Following recent events, Haringey council has confirmed reports that they will not be helping

Children In Need this year. Charity

Joke Number. 2139

"A quote from Sport Relief 2010: “Malaria is the biggest killer in Africa.” I think Robert

Mugabe will have a thing or two to say about that." Charity

Joke Number. 2140

"I took part in Comic Relief tonight. I got a hand job off a clown." Charity

Joke Number. 2141

With the credit crunch upon us, I would like to thank all the charities for understanding and

leaving us with free swing bin liners every week. Charity

Joke Number. 2142

"Last night, I Watched David Tennant crying, as he walked among the malaria patients. It really

made me think. Is there no end to this man's acting talents?" Charity

Joke Number. 2143

When it comes to Charity many people stop at nothing. Charity

Joke Number. 2144

"Joseph lives in one of the worst countries in the world. He cannot even afford an education. The

hated government has recently reached a power sharing deal. However, it is corrupt with power

and money and will not pay for an education. Only the very rich can afford to be educated. Just

9,000 will send Joseph to university for a year. Please, give whatever you can." Charity

Joke Number. 2145

"I had a water fight with a few locals to cool everybody down yesterday. My bosses at Oxfam

aid Relief said that water was for drinking and have pulled me out of Kenya." Charity

Joke Number. 2146

"I've just got a Charity appeal letter from the NSPCC. For 2.00 a week, I can help STOP Julie

doing things she doesn't understand. I've also got one from the Mong Society where for 2.00 a

week I can help Susie DO things she doesn't understand. Why don't they just swap homes?"

Charity

Joke Number. 2147

"Do Something Funny For Money! I dressed up as a priest and stood outside a primary school

with a camera..." Charity

Joke Number. 2148

"I was coming out of Marks and Spencers earlier when a woman walked up to me and waved a

Charity box right in my face. How rude! I waved a tenner in her face and walked off." Charity

Joke Number. 2149

"I just saw a Charity advert asking for money to help dig a well in Africa, I can't understand why

they can't already do it themselves? I saw 6 spades in the picture alone." Charity

Joke Number. 2150

Anybody else laugh on Children in need , When Cheryl Cole was pleading for money and was

talking about how many people run away each year and they showed a disabled child with no

feet ? Charity

Joke Number. 2151

"This woman knocked at the door this morning collecting for Charity. “It's for homeless dwarfs,”

she explained, rattling her bucket, “we're building them a shelter in the town”. So I gave her

some Lego." Charity

Joke Number. 2152

"My manager told me that it was “dress down day” today, in light of Comic Relief. So I pulled

Susan's dress down." Charity

Joke Number. 2153

"Say what you want about the Make a Wish foundation. But they know how to work to a

deadline." Charity

Joke Number. 2154

"In the battle for high street supremacy, asda and Tesco have bought a full row of shops between

them to turn into supermarkets leaving a tiny gap between them only big enough for a Charity

shop. Still, I suppose there`s room for scope. Sub note: Americans please note that scope is a

shop where people take unwanted items for resale to help Charity. It is not a thing used for

looking at British soldiers with." Charity

Joke Number. 2155

I've been paying 2 a month to the Cats Protection League for over a year, I only missed 2

payments and they've just been round and broken my cat’s legs. Charity

Joke Number. 2156

"I just can't help but finance the local spastic’s society. It's fund-a-mental to me." Charity

Joke Number. 2157

"I work in an office with 14 women and I am the only guy Tomorrow they have asked me to

bake something for Comic Relief Rohypnol drizzle cakes! mmmmmmm...." Charity

Joke Number. 2158

You would have thought that after 28 years, some of these so called 'Children In Need' would

have grown up by now. Charity

Joke Number. 2159

Do something funny this red nose day? Then why'd they arrest me for raping a clown? Charity

Joke Number. 2160

"An actual message from my train yesterday. “Beggars are operating on this train, please do

NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a

registered Charity, failing that, give it to me!”" Charity

Joke Number. 2161

"An advert told me that some Children have to walk in excess of 30 miles a day just to get clean

water. The man at the end of the advert said that I could sponsor a childlike Amita. So I did.

I'm giving her 30p a mile." Charity

Joke Number. 2162

Is it just me or are Children only in need once a year? Charity

Joke Number. 2163

"Comic relief contradicts itself. One minute they are telling us to do something funny for money,

the next, they are telling us to save black people." Charity

Joke Number. 2164

"I hate it when I'm watching TV and the program gets interrupted by 30 seconds of a program

being shown on another channel. For example, I was watching Comic Relief the other night, but

every so often a bit of Crime watch kept appearing." Charity

Joke Number. 2165

Just 2 more Red Nose Days and we will finally have enough to buy Africa. Charity

Joke Number. 2166

Is it just me, or do you think that some of the Comic Relief money sent to Africa, should be spent

on condoms and the morning after pill? Charity

Joke Number. 2167

You know you're going to be unemployed for life when you can't get a job as a volunteer at a

Charity Shop Charity

Joke Number. 2168

"Have you heard the latest Red Nose Day slogan? Do something funny for money I love Charity,

so i robbed a midget and pushed him down the stairs" Charity

Joke Number. 2169

Donate two pounds a month to the NSPCC or little Tommy won't be so lucky next time. I think

it's terrible how a Charity can resort to blackmail like that. Charity

Joke Number. 2170

"Apparently for just 187 per year I can help make sure that 11 year old Anita doesn't have to

walk 4 miles to get fresh water, cook, clean or look after her 5 younger brothers and I could give

her a chance to be a child. 187? That'll pay my water bill for a year. Unlucky Anita." Charity

Joke Number. 2171

"I've been doing a lot of overtime lately, earning plenty of extra cash, so last night, after seeing

an advert with those starving African Children with their bones sticking out & all the flies around

their eyes, I thought I'd do the right thing I sponsored a snow leopard" Charity

Joke Number. 2172

"I love having Sky+. It means I can simply fast forward through all the annoying Charity

appeals." Charity

Joke Number. 2173

I don't know why we should give money to Charity for Africans. They always seem to find

enough money to get their heads shaved. When was the last time you saw one with long hair?

Charity

Joke Number. 2174

"I was watching the T.V last night when an advert came on asking for a three pound donation for

African Children. I thought to myself, why they are asking for three pound a month when they

can obviously afford to have their teeth professionally whitened?" Charity

Joke Number. 2175

"My little boy asked me last night if Pudsey Bear was a pirate. Why? I asked. He said; well he

has a patch over his eye and takes everyone’s money." Charity

Joke Number. 2176

Red Nose Day - A time to give your missus that one free punch without being questioned.

Charity

Joke Number. 2177

"This year's Comic Relief raised the most money in its history. I didn't see Dawn French, so

maybe they saved quite a bit on the backstage catering." Charity

Joke Number. 2178

Today I got stopped by 3 different Charity collectors in the street. By the time I got to the 3rd

one, I said to them, 'do you people think I'm MADE of excuses?' Charity

Joke Number. 2179

"My mate was raising money for Charity and told me he'd entered me in the 1500m. I nearly ran

a mile." Charity

Joke Number. 2180

"I've been watching some of the Comic Relief tonight and it really me thinking... Does anyone

else find the appeal videos funnier than the sketches?" Charity

Joke Number. 2181

If we donate this money, we're not going to get these vuvuzelas again, are we? Charity

Joke Number. 2182

"I was watching comic relief last night and they said “no one in Africa has a decent job” but

surely if a child dies every 15 seconds, undertakers must be rolling in it?" Charity

Joke Number. 2183

"I don't know if I’ll be tuning into comic relief tonight. I watched it last year and thought those

comedy sketches of Africa were a little in bad taste." Charity

Joke Number. 2184

"I saw a Charity appeal on tv asking you to send 2 a month to build wells in Africa. One chap in

the video had a 5 year old Chelsea shirt on. Glory hunter." Charity

Joke Number. 2185

"Just to let you know, if anyone knocks on your door collecting money for Dr. Barnado's it's a

scam. He died in 1905." Charity

Joke Number. 2186

I donated to Charity yesterday...seems they prefer money to sperm though. Charity

Joke Number. 2187

"Cats and dogs will happily drink dirty water out of a puddle. Yet when Africans do it, I have to

donate 2 a month." Charity

Joke Number. 2188

Lenny Henry started Comic Relief to help all those starving kids in Africa. Hey Lenny, here's a

suggestion to gather more food for those kids. Stop feeding your fat wife! Charity

Joke Number. 2189

Isn't it ironic that UNICEF have a dinner to raise money for starving Children? Charity

Joke Number. 2190

"How has Walkers raised 1million pound for comic relief? By half filling their bags of crisps."

Charity

Joke Number. 2191

I refuse to donate to animal charities when I've seen their adverts on TV. If they can't turn a

talking dog into a money making machine then they don't deserve my help. Charity

Joke Number. 2192

People say the West is decadent but Comic Relief showed us different. 100 can buy someone a

basic shelter, so the 58million Comic Relief raised will buy some African warlord a huge palace!

Charity

Joke Number. 2193

I want to bring awareness to the fact that disadvantaged Children from all over the country are

being exploited on camera as part of a large-scale moneymaking scheme. Ringleader "Pudsey

Bear" is still at large. Charity

Joke Number. 2194

"Watching Children In Need has made me feel really proud of my contribution. Without me they

wouldn't have had half of those stories about abused kids." Charity

Joke Number. 2195

After years of thinking it wasn't anything I should be concerned about, I have finally given in to

my conscience and decided to sponsor a needy child in the Third World. She is eleven years old,

white and lives in Bradford. Charity

Joke Number. 2196

Wonder if Madonna has placed her order yet on Children in need Charity

Joke Number. 2197

"An African child dies from starvation every three seconds. On the plus side, that's less money I

need to give to Children In Need next year." Charity

Joke Number. 2198

Some people in Africa walk eight miles every day, just to get away from Lenny Henry. Charity

Joke Number. 2199

"Children in need. The time of year UK houseflies get to see all their African relatives on tv."

Charity

Joke Number. 2200

Wow Lenny, I haven’t seen a black man look so good next to Cotton since my great

grandfather’s plantation. Charity

Joke Number. 2201

"I had to keep restarting my TV during comic relief. Every time they showed a film my TV went

black!" Charity

Joke Number. 2202

I for one am impressed with Jade Goody. In her suffering she has still found time to shave her

head for Comic Relief. Charity

Joke Number. 2203

"Watching comic relief, there's some depressing stuff on here that truly brings a tear to my eye.

Little Britain and Catherine Tate in the same sketch...." Charity

Joke Number. 2204

You know you have a cruel streak when you put a pair of ladies trousers into a Charity collection

bag destined for the Sudan. Charity

Joke Number. 2205

"If there are Children in need they should send them to my place. I've got a large donation I need

to make." Charity

Joke Number. 2206

I'm watching 'Children in Need' and I'm wondering where all the British Children are. All I can

see is Pakis and Blacks. That lot are just Children in need of a good Tsunami. Charity

Joke Number. 2207

"comic relief making famine even more funny" Charity

Joke Number. 2208

"Just done my Charity work for the year! Took a ginger out on a date" Charity

Joke Number. 2209

"Hugh Jackman is supporting a poverty campaign, encouraging the western world to try and live

on just a pound a day. He looked really cool in his black limousine and Hugo Boss suit." Charity

Joke Number. 2210

"I recently discovered that UNICEF don't have a sense of humor. Apparently it's not funny

asking the wee kids with the big bellies: “When's it due?”" Charity

Joke Number. 2211

"I was just watching Sports Relief on BBC1, and i couldn't help but feel sorry for all the black,

uneducated, AIDs ridden people that aren't able look after themselves without our help. Poor JLS

and Lenny Henry." Charity

Joke Number. 2212

"Personally, I think people should go that extra mile for Charity. So while I was in Africa, I

helped dig a well an extra mile away from the village." Charity

Joke Number. 2213

"Just seen that advert about deaf and blind Children. Just 3 a month can bring a blind and deaf

child into the world. But it took me 10 worth of bricks, a body bag and a lake to take mine out of

this world." Charity

Joke Number. 2214

"I've just seen Susan Boyle singing on “Sport Relief”. Singing isn't very sporty is it? Surely more

people would pay up to see her try the Hurdles or something?" Charity

Joke Number. 2215

Whoever came up with the Charity "Computers for Africa" clearly misunderstood the meaning

of an Apple a day. Charity

Joke Number. 2216

"I phoned the BBC and asked if Pudsey Bear could give me a donation, I said, “My legs are

totally useless, I find it difficult to string a coherent sentence together and find it really hard to

keep my food and drink down!” They said, “To qualify for a grant we need to know how the

money will be used?” I said “It's for the taxi home ... ... I spent all my money on Stella!”"

Charity

Joke Number. 2217

"Manchester United have donated two replica Child Size football Shirts to be auctioned on

Children in Need. Ian Huntley has bid 2 ounces of snout and a phone card." Charity

Joke Number. 2218

"I just saw this awful video on Children in need. It read: “Kirsty is 4 years old from Hull, she

regularly gets beaten by her father and is a punch bag for her drunk, drug addicted mother. So

give us just 3 pounds to make a Difference in Kirsty's life.” I can't believe they would do that to a

little girl, bringing her up in Hull." Charity

Joke Number. 2219

"Seeing as its Comic Relief tonight, I thought I’d do something for money. I'm going to work."

Charity

Joke Number. 2220

"It's good to see that on the day of the Community Shield, Manchester City are doing their bit for

Charity and donating to the poor. Twenty million pounds to Everton for Jack Rodwell." Charity

Joke Number. 2221

"Phoned up Children in need and said I will give 50 quid for the little starving black kid who was

an orphan. Apparently it is not an auction." Charity

Joke Number. 2222

"Whilst watching Crime watch earlier, I thought “This is more upbeat that usual” Then I realized

that JLS were on Children in Need." Charity

Joke Number. 2223

"I have decided to do my bit for Comic Relief this year and so far have raised over 200!

However, is it wrong that I'm doing it by taking bets on how long Jade has left?" Charity

Joke Number. 2224

"I bungee jumped for Children In Need this year and gave them a cheque for TWO THOUSAND

POUNDS! It bounced." Charity

Joke Number. 2225

"As I sit here eating pringles, watching Concern ads on YouTube. I can’t help but think, what do

i want for Christmas?" Charity

Joke Number. 2226

Just been arrested for masturbating on my local football ground, that's the last time I attempt

Sport Relief. Charity

Joke Number. 2227

"As I was beating up my 12 year old son when my wife walked in and screamed, “ What you

doing? Stop it!” I said, “ I gave him 10 the other day and he totally misspent it.” She said,” He

didn't. He gave 5 to Water Aid and the rest to a Malaria Charity.” I said,” Exactly. Drink and

drugs!.”" Charity

Joke Number. 2228

"Why has a separate Charity been made for Haiti? What happened to the save the apes trust?"

Charity

Joke Number. 2229

"Children in Need. I am in need of some Children myself. Maybe we can come to some sort of

agreement?" Charity

Joke Number. 2230

"God must see my fat wife as a Charity. He seems to be giving her body 2 pounds a month."

Charity

Joke Number. 2231

"I think it's so great how easy it is to help charities these days. Apparently, all I have to do is

thumbs up this picture." Charity

Joke Number. 2232

"A Charity bag for 'Kidney Research' just came through my door, Instead of doing the usual and

donating old clothes I decided to save them a lot of time and money and left them a little note

instead... The kidneys are located behind the abdominal cavity in the retro peritoneum, The

kidneys are paired organs with several functions. They are seen in many types of Animals,

including vertebrates and some invertebrates. They are an essential part of the urinary system."

Charity

Joke Number. 2233

I wonder if we'll see Xfactor reject Gamu Nhengu on tonight’s Comic Relief.. Charity

Joke Number. 2234

"I stand for Children. Well, part of me, anyway." Charity

Joke Number. 2235

"If I had a pound for every time i heard the number on Children in need I would probably make a

donation" Charity

Joke Number. 2236

"Terry, I watched those spastic girls drooling on Children In Need earlier and I raised 6 inches."

Charity

Joke Number. 2237

"BBC1 should explain the concept behind Sport Relief a bit better next time. I don't think their

executives can even begin to imagine how hard it has been trying to crack one out over Gary

Lineker and Alan Hansen." Charity

Joke Number. 2238

"I love Children in need, I only watch the really hilarious bits though, I turn it off when the

comedians come on." Charity

Joke Number. 2239

After 8 pints of lager, I rang the hotline for Children in Need, and told the lady to get her

calculator out, while I pledged a seven figure sum; 5,318,008. She thanked me for being so

generous but asked why such an unusual figure. I told her to turn the calculator upside down and

consider her own unusual figure. Charity

Joke Number. 2240

"Last week, Comic Relief asked me to do 'something funny for money.' I went one better,

however. I did nothing - for free." Charity

Joke Number. 2241

"Thought I'd give donating sperm ago the other day. It turns out Oxfam arent as grateful for your

help as they like to make out." Charity

Joke Number. 2242

"The BBC are going to have a new fund raising event next year for people who have lost limbs.

It's called “hand relief”." Charity

Joke Number. 2243

"Our son asked what we'd like as a Silver Wedding present, so I told him to surprise us, but

hinted at a stay in one of those hotels that Lenny Henry goes to on the telly. So here we are in

Ethiopia in a hut built entirely from cow dung." Charity

Joke Number. 2244

Isn't it a bit ironic how they're trying to get us to slob around in front of the TV to watch sport

relief? Charity

Joke Number. 2245

"If there's one thing Comic Relief has taught me tonight. I need to get out more." Charity

Joke Number. 2246

“"SSPCA attack RSPCA over funds” I guess that it's dog-eat-dog in the animal Charity world"

Charity

Joke Number. 2247

I'm sick of watching films of ill Africans followed by the money rising. Can we see a body

count? Charity

Joke Number. 2248

"Just bought a bottle of water and there was an interesting Charity message on the side; “One

billion people in the world don't have access to clean drinking water. You can change this. One

person, one day at a time.” I don't know about you guys, but I haven't got a billion days to

spare..." Charity

Joke Number. 2249

"Children In Need Babestation for Pedophiles" Charity

Joke Number. 2250

"I just had a leaflet posted through my door inviting me to what sounds like a very prestigious

annual fashion event. Third World Clothing Collection is on Tuesday." Charity

Joke Number. 2251

I try to donate to Charity, but they keep bringing my kids back. Charity

Joke Number. 2252

Haha, one of my colleagues has just come to work dressed as a woman for Children In Need.

Congratulations, that was a very brave thing to do, Karen. Charity

Joke Number. 2253

"Tonight on BBC Children In Need - 'Peter Andre delivers a tribute to Michael Jackson'

Hopefully in person" Charity

Joke Number. 2254

Children in need... A polite way of being asked "give me your money" by black kids Charity

Joke Number. 2255

If Children In Need really did make a Difference then I doubt we would need to keep having it

every year. Charity

Joke Number. 2256

Stood outside Tesco with sign saying 'Help for Heroes'; in 15 minutes I had enough money for a

box of them and some Quality Street. Charity

Joke Number. 2257

"Yesterday, I was kicked out of Oxfam for puffing Marlboros. It appears there's not much

demand for second-hand smoke. Charity

Joke Number. 2258

“"From just 2 a month you can help change someone's life.” Well, it worked for Joe

McElderry...." Charity

Joke Number. 2259

"Children in need: two of the ten beds are empty because they can’t afford to keep them open. So

what did you do with the 39 million raised last year?" Charity

Joke Number. 2260

My parents died tragically when doing a Charity bungee jump, raising money for orphans.

Charity

Joke Number. 2261

Is Comic Relief what Dawn French used to give to Lenny Henry? Charity

Joke Number. 2262

19 to help an old person at Christmas! I could save a snow leopard for 3!!!! Charity

Joke Number. 2263

"I feel quite sorry for all the British athletes who went to Africa to make films for Sport Relief. It

must be really depressing for them to realize that even starving AIDS victims with no shoes are

better at running than them." Charity

Joke Number. 2264

"I've decided to “Do Something Funny for Money” I pushed a Spastic over and knicked his

pocket money. I haven't laughed so much in ages." Charity

Joke Number. 2265

I can't give away my old clothes to the poor. They have enough to put up with without the add

humiliation of wearing last season clothes. Charity

Joke Number. 2266

"Whenever Charity collectors knock on my door I just can't say no... That's why I slam the door

in their face." Charity

Joke Number. 2267

I'm sorry, but if JLS and Lemar are too selfish to send money home, I don't see why I should feel

guilty. Charity

Joke Number. 2268

"I was stopped in the street today by a Charity worker who said, “In the spirit of 'Mo-vember'

will you grow a 'mo' to raise some much needed funds and awareness for men's health?” I

replied, “In the spirit of 'November', no.”" Charity

Joke Number. 2269

"For me, every day is Red Nose Day. Because I'm an alcoholic." Charity

Joke Number. 2270

Why was Miranda HArt on Comic Relief? The unfunny bits are supposed to have African

Children in them. Charity

Joke Number. 2271

"I'm off out after in my pajamas with a bucket going shop to shop, trying to raise some money

for Children in need. My two want an Xbox 360 and a Nintendo 3DS this year." Charity

Joke Number. 2272

Due to mankind's abuse of the environment, the whale has now become an endangered species.

However, YOU can help. For just 2 a month, you can a adopt a whale and ensure they don't die

out. To donate and help save the whales just ring me and ask for my wife. Charity

Joke Number. 2273

"Top Tip for anyone annoyed with the quality of their Refuse Collection Services. There is a new

one in my area. They place white bin bags through your front door; you fill them with household

waste, leave them outside your house and they collect them. The only downside is that they insist

on putting disgusting pictures of kids with cancer on the side of the binbags." Charity

Joke Number. 2274

"This year I’m going to take a leaf out of Harringey council’s book I won’t be helping Children

In Need" Charity

Joke Number. 2275

"A Charity worker stopped me as I came out of Tesco today. She said, “Would you like to make

a donation for Orphaned Children?” I said, “Yeah, why not. I've got a spare few quid in my

jeans.” She said, “Thanks, your money will make a great Difference in Africa.” I said, “My jeans

are in the car, wait there, I'll just go and get them.”" Charity

Joke Number. 2276

"So I hear Jessie J will be performing for Children In Need this year with her hit Price tag. Well

if it’s not about the money they won’t mind me not donating this year then." Charity

Joke Number. 2277

"I had a cancer scare yesterday. A woman with a collection tin came towards me, fortunately I

managed to cross the road before she got to me." Charity

Joke Number. 2278

It’s not wife beating, it's just constructive criticism. Charity

Joke Number. 2279

Every day is Red Nose Day with alcoholism. Charity

Joke Number. 2280

"I am ashamed to say that whilst watching Comic Relief last night, I found myself compelled to

switch channels every time the side splitting humor was interrupted by the desperate black man

trying to eke out a meagre existence. Lenny Henry, give it a rest next year." Charity

Joke Number. 2281

"My job at the BBC is inviting guests onto our shows I sent an E-Mail to my “Celeb” group

“Children In Need, are you available?” Instantly Gary Glitter replied “I’d love to come on

Children In Need again”" Charity

Joke Number. 2282

"A friend of mine just updated her Facebook status to read: “Comic relief is starting, I should go

get some tissues” “I already have mine” I commented back. She replied with “I didn't know this

kind of thing upset you so much” “It doesn't”" Charity

Joke Number. 2283

"Just saw that NSPCC advert, the one where it shows a young black kid looking threw a bin bag

for food. Poor thing.....Must be a terrible life, yano, not being smArt enough to look in the

fridge." Charity

Joke Number. 2284

"BBC Children In Need - “There are disabled Children in every corner of the country needing

your help!” Just because they are disabled don't mean you should put them in a corner! That’s

not right!" Charity

Joke Number. 2285

"It's good of Sky to support comic relief. They keep putting a little red nose in the corner of the

screen." Charity

Joke Number. 2286

Is it just me that thinks asking Children to 'do something funny for money' is immensely

inappropriate? Charity

Joke Number. 2287

"One of those clips of ill African Children just came on Coming Relief. My wife thought i was

being all sensitive when I reached for a box of tissues. Well she couldn't of been more wrong."

Charity

Joke Number. 2288

Watching sport relief and I see there is a lot about Adrian Chiles Shaving off his beard. In my

opinion this isn't that big a deal, I mean it’s not like he has much of one anyway. What I'd really

like to see would be a Muslim shaving off his beard. Now that would actually be worth

something. Charity

Joke Number. 2289

I went to the comic relief last night, and after realizing this was a once in a life time opportunity I

reached over, put my hands down and stroked the red carpet a couple of times. I don't think Ann

Robinson was too pleased though. Charity

Joke Number. 2290

"I noticed a Charity box at work the other day with packets of sweets in. It was in aid for the

Great Ormond St. Hospital Trust, and I also noticed the message “Please consider the Children

this Christmas” was written on it. So I nicked a couple of packets for the kids at home." Charity

Joke Number. 2291

"What's red and not worth paying for? A plastic nose." Charity

Joke Number. 2292

Am I the only one who thinks it's a bit suspicious that if you send money via post to Children In

Need, it needs to be sent to Liverpool? Charity

Joke Number. 2293

Save on the cost of a Comic Relief red nose by using the same one from last year. Charity

Joke Number. 2294

"It's amazing how many new words you learn every day. I heard one today. Chuggers: Charitymuggers.

The people in the street who try and steal your credit card details on behalf of disabled

kids in Africa. Well I made up a word of my own today. Chunts." Charity

Joke Number. 2295

"I sponsored a little blind kid today. I tattooed “Fly Emirates” on his chest." Charity

Joke Number. 2296

I'm devastated. I've just found out that some of the money that I donated in 1984-85 for insurgent

groups to buy weapons was redirected to buy food and medicines for victims of the Ethiopian

famine. Charity

Joke Number. 2297

"Comic Relief Does Glee Club" - With a machete I hope. Charity

Joke Number. 2298

"They've got Comic Relief on in the pub. I said to the landlord, “Hey mate, If I wanted to see

some sad Charity cases I would go home to the wife and kids.”" Charity

Joke Number. 2299

"A black guy just said to me, “Who is that on your comic relief t/shirt?” “Don't you know,” I

replied. “Shakespeare?” ......Quickest black eye I ever got." Charity

Joke Number. 2300

"My wife was disappointed when she saw my efforts for Comic Relief, Masturbating over

Hentai." Charity

Joke Number. 2301

"Charity is like Incest. It begins at home." Charity

Joke Number. 2302

"I've got a new job working as one of those Charity muggers who stops unsuspecting people in

the street. The man at the NSPCC told me they weren't recruiting, but I kept him talking and

eventually he realized it would be easier to just sign me up so he could get on with his day."

Charity

Joke Number. 2303

Apparently just two pounds a week will help support Nagic and his little brother. Why can't

Christian Aid run the CSA? Charity

Joke Number. 2304

Wow, Sport Relief? That's nothing, Basheed has to walk 12 miles a day to fetch water for his

Family... Charity

Joke Number. 2305

Adrian chiles getting his beard shaved for sport relief id of rather given a fiver to see Christine’s

beard shaved off!!!! Charity

Joke Number. 2306

Just 3 pounds a month will help provide training for the England team. Please. Charity

Joke Number. 2307

"Charity mugger: How about ten pounds a month for cancer? Me: Tell you what love, for fifty,

I'll give you gonorrhea" Charity

Joke Number. 2308

"Children In Need gets me every year. When I see those poor, penniless black kids, I understand

why they went out looting in Totten ham." Charity

Joke Number. 2309

I think scientists have become obsolete. Nowadays you can fight cancer by just growing a

moustache. Charity

Joke Number. 2310

Charity: Where we give them aid, and they give us aids. Charity

Joke Number. 2311

"Comic Relief raised a record 74m last night, with the projected total at 100 by the end of the

weekend. In other news, planning permission has just been granted for two 6,000 acre solid

platinum palaces in Libya and Zimbabwe." Charity

Joke Number. 2312

"A friend of mine hopes to raise over 1,000,000 for Charity this year. He is going to sit on top of

a bonfire, whilst it is on fire. What a guy." Charity

Joke Number. 2313

"Watching Comic relief last night, Surely I wasn't the only Bloke watching Susan Boyle and

Peter Kay's alter ego Geraldine, and thinking that Peter Kay was the Attractive one!!" Charity

Joke Number. 2314

"3 quid a month buys helium balloons to lift starving Africans kids up and away. I can then use

the anti-aircraft gun I bought with the overseas aid." Charity

Joke Number. 2315

"Today's the 150th anniversary of our local RNLI. This calls for a big celebration. I think we

might be pushing the boat out tonight." Charity

Joke Number. 2316

Just done my bit for Children in need, I loosened the cuffs on Maddie. Charity

Joke Number. 2317

"Just been watching Comic Relief and I found the footage of the impoverished and uneducated

blacks really harrowing Why does the BBC continue to use Lenny Henry & Reggie Yates?"

Charity

Joke Number. 2318

Gordon Brown's acting is as useless as his left eye Charity

Joke Number. 2319

"My wife just had a call from a Charity asking her to donate some of her clothes to some of the

starving people in the world. She asked “How will giving somebody clothes stop them being

hungry?” Apparently they're short of tents as well." Charity

Joke Number. 2320

"Co-op fair trade chocolate is made up of 93% Fairtrade ingredients. Do they make their profit

from ripping off the other 7%?" Charity

Joke Number. 2321

"I love Children in need. ...What Charity appeal?" Charity

Joke Number. 2322

Watching those poor, mal-nourished African kids hasn’t half made me hungry!! Charity

Joke Number. 2323

"My Mrs. was sat watching Comic Relief when she shouts at me to pledge.... One thing letting

her out the kitchen to watch TV but asking me to clean" Charity

Joke Number. 2324

"The benefits of Red Nose Day are already showing, 20,000 Ghanaians were seen on a trip to

Wembley." Charity

Joke Number. 2325

"There are so many more Charity adverts on around Christmas. Basically, Children in Africa are

starving. Any money we can send they use to build wells and teach the people hygiene and

farming techniques. It's amazing really how little it actually takes... To make me change the

channel." Charity

Joke Number. 2326

"Children in need: more than a million Children in the U.K have a learning difficulty. But they

don’t want your sympathy. Just your money then" Charity

Joke Number. 2327

"The tagline to the Charity Save the Children is “No child born to die.” Well, technically..."

Charity

Joke Number. 2328

"I found a poo stain in my boxers tonight. It's fairly standard when you buy underwear from a

Charity shop." Charity

Joke Number. 2329

"One of the things I love about this time of year is how those kind charities give out free bin bags

through the letterbox. Thanks to Sue Ryder, British Heart Foundation and Children's Leukemia

Research for getting into the Christmas spirit. I have saved a fortune!" Charity

Joke Number. 2330

If you've never sent a pair of your dirty panties to a soldier, then freedom obviously means

nothing to you. Charity

Joke Number. 2331

"Susan Boyle and Peter Kay in the same room at the same time? I suspect editing." Charity

Joke Number. 2332

"A Charity worker stopped me in the street and said that some 8 year old gets paid 10 a month to

make my shoes. Couldn’t help but think those kids have some skills.....I couldn't even spell my

name at 8 years old." Charity

Joke Number. 2333

"I always do a spot of fund raising during the week. I call it work." Charity

Joke Number. 2334

"I've been sponsoring a child in Africa for about 8 months now and I’m starting to get really

annoyed. I mean, in all the photos I’ve been sent of little Keto, I haven't once seen my name on

the front of his shirt." Charity

Joke Number. 2335

When I watch Comic Relief I always imagine I am bipolar. I sit all night watching celebrities

making a fool of themselves and then a starving African baby comes on and always cheers me

up. Charity

Joke Number. 2336

Nice to see nicklas bendtner making an appearance on comic relief. Charity

Joke Number. 2337

I think I'm being scammed. I give five pounds a month to a Charity. They're committed to

beating heart disease. All the diseases I can think of make it stop. Charity

Joke Number. 2338

"I phoned up the Samaritans today because I was feeling really depressed having been told I

have a heart defect. They entered me into next year’s Marathon." Charity

Joke Number. 2339

"I'm doing my bit for Children in Need. So far I've collected 100 and I'm keeping it. Well, I was

a child once and I need the money." Charity

Joke Number. 2340

"I was about to donate some money to help feed starving African Children, but decided I wanted

another bag of maltesers instead. I love my life." Charity

Joke Number. 2341

"My wife just posted on Facebook “The Pride of Britain Awards are on TV tonight, better get the

tissues ready” I’m sure I’m not the only one who thought.......what time's Hannah Montana on

then?" Charity

Joke Number. 2342

After all the running around to collect the ten thousand pound that I raised for Children In Need

for walking a whole fifty miles, I decided that I needed a car, lucky really. Charity

Joke Number. 2343

"I must have seen hundreds of Asians and blacks driving taxis this weekend in London which

made me think... It’s nice to see Comic Relief is still working" Charity

Joke Number. 2344

I hate the fact that they punctuate the comedy with serious unfunny sketches during Red Nose

Day. My sides were splitting as I watched lots of black babies dying of Malaria when they

spoiled it by sticking Michael McIntyre on. Charity

Joke Number. 2345

Just watching the footage of poor starving African kids on TV....makes you wonder how they

manage to afford a fresh buzz cut but can’t afford to buy their lunch... Charity

Joke Number. 2346

“"Well, I'm not so sure...” I hesitantly admitted. “Please, think of the Children otherwise doomed

to grow up in poverty!” he pleaded. Dad narrowly managed to convince me to get an abortion."

Charity

Joke Number. 2347

It think it’s a nice added touch how the BBC and Oxfam take starving Children, then make them

drink from filthy water and stand still with flies on their face just for an advert. Charity

Joke Number. 2348

“"If we don't receive 30million in donations over the phone by 2am then kids all over the world

will suffer.” No, not Children in Need, I've rounded up a few friends over the internet and we've

begun taking hostages." Charity

Joke Number. 2349

Comic Relief; because seeing people less fortunate than us is funny. Charity

Joke Number. 2350

"My wife is sat on the sofa downstairs with a box of Kleenex, sobbing her heart out watching

Comic Relief. I'm led on the bed with a box of Kleenex for an entirely different reason. I'm also

watching Comic Relief." Charity

Joke Number. 2351

Berbatov donated 1 pound for every yard he's covered this season. Comic Relief were very

thankful for the 3 pound donation. Charity

Joke Number. 2352

"It's 1.20am in the morning and I've been watching BBC's Comic Relief for over six hours. All

these people donating hundreds of pounds of their own money and I must admit that I feel

disgusted in myself. I should have gone to bed about 10pm, as I'm in work for 6am." Charity

Joke Number. 2353

"Coming home from the pub, I noticed this poster in the window of the Oxfam shop : “ Think of

starving Children in Africa “ So , after mulling it over , I broke in and robbed the place" Charity

Joke Number. 2354

"Mohammed's Family can't afford a new cooker. So the government gave them a new 7 bedroom

house, fully furbished and funded by the taxpayer. To Donate to Immigrants in Need, call 03457

33 22 33." Charity

Joke Number. 2355

After the success of the "Help our heroes" Charity campaign, I would like to ask for donations

of kids underwear, Books, toys even sweets for my "Help our paedos" campaign. Charity

Joke Number. 2356

Ahh comic relief, the only day where i can laugh at minority races and not get called racist.

Charity

Joke Number. 2357

Every time I click my fingers...my PA brings me and cappuccino. Charity

Joke Number. 2358

"I knocked one of those Charity collectors out in town today because she wouldn't stop bothering

me. I couldn't care less about victims of domestic violence!" Charity

Joke Number. 2359

"Whilst watching the pictures of the starving African kids on Sport Relief the other night, I was

choked. No not emotionally, I was halfway through the contents of a KFC bargain bucket, when

a chicken bone got stuck." Charity

Joke Number. 2360

"Watching Lenny Henry on Comic Relief and I keep wondering. Did he pick Cotton?" Charity

Joke Number. 2361

"I love the skits they do on Comic Relief. My favorites are the ones with the Africans." Charity

Joke Number. 2362

November - the month of the year when a load of desperate attention seekers grow a moustache

in the thinly veiled presence that they are doing it for Charity, when actually they think it will get

girls to talk to them. Charity

Joke Number. 2363

"My wife's upset that I give 10 quid a month to send orphans to school in Africa. “You promised

to take care of my sister's Children after she died!” she screamed." Charity

Joke Number. 2364

"I was in town earlier when a woman with a Charity tin came up to me and said “Care to help

Children with cancer?” As much as I'd love to, I don't really have the capital funding or the

Technology to accelerate malignant bone marrow cell growth. So I gave her a cigarette." Charity

Joke Number. 2365

I'm doing my bit for Children In Need, I'm feeding them through the cage tonight. Charity

Joke Number. 2366

"Surely I wasn't the only Bloke watching Susan Boyle and Peter Kay's alter ego Geraldine on

Comic Relief, and thinking that Peter Kay was the Attractive one!!" Charity

Joke Number. 2367

"The Beatles: “All You Need Is Love.” Someone let Comic Relief know." Charity

Joke Number. 2368

"I was walking past a beggar this morning when he said, “Excuse me mate,. I haven't eaten for 4

days.” So I said, “ Go on, and force yourself.”" Charity

Joke Number. 2369

Watching these starving Children on Comic Relief is making me hungry Charity

Joke Number. 2370

"These days I can't walk down the street without constantly being stopped and asked for my

autograph. It's not that I'm famous, I just can't seem to avoid the Save the Children chuggers."

Charity

Joke Number. 2371

Walking in London these days is like a mine field. I mean I went out down Oxford street and by

the time I got home I had sponsored 3 Africans , 2 Asians and been given enough leaflets to start

my own recycling plant. Charity

Joke Number. 2372

"All this talk about “Children in need” and not one mention of poor Madeline McCann. She must

have ran out of condoms by now." Charity

Joke Number. 2373

Charity muggers, the words now been shortened to "Chuggers", well, I've got a word for em...

CHUNTS! Charity

Joke Number. 2374

Is it me, or are these malaria nets getting more expensive.... Charity

Joke Number. 2375

I've not been able to insult my wife since starting my new job with the Charity "The Dogs Trust"

as we never put a dog down! Charity

Joke Number. 2376

"I and my son were stopped in the high street today by a woman and man from cancer research

asking for donations. “I don't have much money,” I said. “Just give what you can go without,”

they replied. “Okay then,” I said, “son, meet your new parents.”" Charity

Joke Number. 2377

"I don't see why I should have to sit through depressing films about starving Children in Africa,

just because it's Sport Relief. I'm the one paying, surely they should be forced to watch films

about how great my life is?" Charity

Joke Number. 2378

"A woman knocked at my door today asking if I'd be willing to give just 2 pounds to a 6 year old

African orphan. I said I'm no ogre love, if he works hard enough he can have a fiver." Charity

Joke Number. 2379

I just donated 2,000 pounds to Sport Relief, no not because I'm a nice person, I just want to pay

for the guns they will use to kill each other with Charity

Joke Number. 2380

"Wanted to do something for Comic Relief this year as I have never donated before, so i decided

to donate a tenner for every goal Torres scored for Chelsea between him signing for them and

today. Oh well, maybe next time" Charity

Joke Number. 2381

All of these Kenyans are so poverty-stricken...yet they still have a team in the Cricket World

Cup? Charity

Joke Number. 2382

"I’m supporting race for life this year. By standing at the starting line with a machine gun"

Charity

Joke Number. 2383

"I see David Beckham is among the celebrities promoting the latest 'Books for Kids' campaign.

It's brilliant. I swapped all my John Grisham novels for a cute 10 year old girl." Charity

Joke Number. 2384

If Denis the Menace tosses me off, is that Comic Relief? Charity

Joke Number. 2385

All these kids in Africa, no money for food but they must have lots of money for beer, they all

have beer belly’s Charity

Joke Number. 2386

"Comic Relief.... There’s going to be some sticky marvel comics tonight!" Charity

Joke Number. 2387

I just sent all of my Spiderman and Batman magazines to Africa. Think I got the wrong idea

about comic relief. Charity

Joke Number. 2388

My mate told me he has a shed full of geese. I asked him for a gander... Charity

Joke Number. 2389

"What's a bear's favorite Charity event? The 40 Hour Salmon" Charity

Joke Number. 2390

People give chuggers a hard time, but the job is not easy. I have enormous sympathy for them,

so, every so often, I make eye contact. Charity

Joke Number. 2391

"I walked out of Tesco and a guy collecting money said, “Would you like to help feed the hungry

today?” I said, “Yes. That's why I just went shopping.”" Charity

Joke Number. 2392

"I've just done my bit for water aids “Big dig” appeal. I punched my wife in the face." Charity

Joke Number. 2393

For sport relief every footballer has donated a week’s wages, so we decided to buy Africa.

Charity

Joke Number. 2394

"I had one of those plastic bin liners posted through my door today asking for unwanted clothes

for Charity. It's great for storing all those bin liners for unwanted clothes for Charity." Charity

Joke Number. 2395

"I've just seen 4 poor black kids who look like they need a real good feeding, like the ones on the

advert for Children in Need, Poor kids... Oh wait, its JLS." Charity

Joke Number. 2396

All comic relief has gone on about so far is cateracts, it’s not like they’ve got tellys or fit women

to look at. Charity

Joke Number. 2397

"I love a bit of comic relief, me. But then, I have got a clown fetish." Charity

Joke Number. 2398

"So, Comic Relief have raised over 20m yet again. Surely this year they'll spend some of it on fly

spray for those poor Ethiopians!" Charity

Joke Number. 2399

"I'm going out to spend the day having my photo taken kissing and hugging all the Children I can

find without any fear of being arrested. I love my Pudsey Bear costume." Charity

Joke Number. 2400

"I tried to help out my favorite Charity by donating 30 bags for life. Apparently make-a-wish

foundation deem this as highly inappropriate." Charity

Joke Number. 2401

"I saw a soldier, with an arm missing, collecting for the “Help The Hero's” Charity today. I just

stood in front of him and applauded loudly, not because he's brave or that he is collecting for a

good cause, just to make him jealous." Charity

Joke Number. 2402

"I saw a Charity Collector in town today with a hunched back. Her coat had “Aspinall

Foundation” on it. Seemed quite appropriate, really." Charity

Joke Number. 2403

"I do a lot of stuff for Charity but I don't like to talk about it. It's much easier to boast by

blogging, tweeting and Face booking about it." Charity

Joke Number. 2404

When my wife asked me to sponsor her in aid of breast cancer for sport relief, I ran a mile.

Charity

Joke Number. 2405

Comic Relief - Even all the way from Africa they find a way to mug you. Charity

Joke Number. 2406

"The wife was having a go at me. “Life's just one big joke to you, isn't it.” “I don't know what

you mean. Sit down, luv, and let's talk about it.” That's when I pulled her chair away." Childish

Joke Number. 2407

"I was having a row with my girlfriend last night and she accused me of being Childish. What

does she know? She's just a stinky poo face." Childish

Joke Number. 2408

"The iPhone is useless to an immature person like myself. I type “5318008” into the calculator

and turn it upside down, but the screen rights itself." Childish

Joke Number. 2409

"My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up... So guess who is not allowed in my

tree-house now!" Childish

Joke Number. 2410

"Got arrested at Heathrow last week. Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call

“shotgun” before boarding a plane." Childish

Joke Number. 2411

"My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly. “Which one?” I replied, “James Junior, or

the girl one?”" Childish

Joke Number. 2412

"Today, my girlfriend and I were having a serious conversation about our relationship, during

which I took the time to make a napkin monster and attack her with it. I think it went really

well." Childish

Joke Number. 2413

"My Girlfriend: I can’t do this anymore you're too Childish. I think I need a break. Me: Have a

kit-kat?" Childish

Joke Number. 2414

"I was telling some sheep jokes the other day. But none of them laughed and one just ran away

going “baa.”" Childish

Joke Number. 2415

"How many immature teenagers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Your mum." Childish

Joke Number. 2416

"I decided it was time to tell my 8 year old son he's adopted. The wife didn't approve, but I can't

resist a good prank." Childish

Joke Number. 2417

"My girlfriend told me that I sometimes treat her like a child. I didn't know how to react......so I

gave her a sticker for standing up for herself." Childish

Joke Number. 2418

"I and my mate double teamed my daughter last night. She ran away crying saying it was the

most unfair wrestling match ever." Childish

Joke Number. 2419

As a keen environmentalist, I, like most people, only wash my hands when there's someone else

in the bathroom at the same time. Childish

Joke Number. 2420

And there we were, 2 against 2000... boy did we slaughter those 2. Childish

Joke Number. 2421

"Mum: What are you gonna gift grandma for her birthday? Boy: Football Mum: But your

grandma doesn't play football! Boy: On my birthday she gave me Books." Childish

Joke Number. 2422

"I got a detention at school today after responding to the teacher with “that's what she said”. She

then proceeded to tell me to think long and hard about what I do in life. I now have another

detention." Childish

Joke Number. 2423

"I have fancied this girl at work for some time but never really spoke to her too much, finally I

plucked up the courage to ask her out for a drink and she said to me “I like a gentleman with a

sophisticated sense of humor, I have a boyfriend already and he is much wittier than you could

ever be” I was angry and thought carefully for a moment before my response...... “Well your

boyfriend is a big smelly poo poo head”" Childish

Joke Number. 2424

"I texted my wife today saying “I love u”. She replied “Oh, really? :)" And I said “Yes, it's my

favorite vowel”." Childish

Joke Number. 2425

"To stop her four-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it'll make her fat.

“I won't do it any more, Mummy,” says the daughter. Next day they are out walking when they

meet a very fat man. “If I bite my fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mummy?” “You'll be

fatter than that,” says her mother. They get on a bus and, sitting opposite them, is a very pregnant

lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's belly. The pregnant lady feels

increasingly uncomfortable under this stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl.

“Excuse me, but do you know me?” And the little girl says, “No, but I know what you've been

doing!”" Childish

Joke Number. 2426

Police have arrested The Big Bad Wolf and charged him with the attempted murder of three of

their most junior officers. Childish

Joke Number. 2427

"My mate called me Childish the other day, so to prove him wrong I made him eat his own

words, By spelling them out in alphabetic spaghetti" Childish

Joke Number. 2428

"I like to stand near ATMs. When somebody types in their pin number I shout, “Got it!” and then

I run away." Childish

Joke Number. 2429

"After watching the news coverage from the murder scene of Ashleigh Hall, it`s no wonder the

guy who killed her got caught so quickly! I mean, why hide the body in a tent?" Childish

Joke Number. 2430

I was holding on to our new born baby a little too much recently. My missus told me to put him

down. I think saying "you're small, ugly and smell" wasn't quite what she meant. Childish

Joke Number. 2431

"Finally. . . I've been staring at those After Eights all day." Childish

Joke Number. 2432

If they ever do manage to find Wally, will he be shot in the head and buried at sea as well?

Childish

Joke Number. 2433

"My girlfriend told me she gives up and can't see me anymore. I rule at Hide & Seek." Childish

Joke Number. 2434

"How do you make a girl cry? Tell them they came second in Britain's Got Talent" Childish

Joke Number. 2435

"We used to run around in the neighborhood playing games like 'War.' I'm not proud of that. We

lost some good kids." Childish

Joke Number. 2436

Telling a woman you work in IT Support can be such a turn off. And then a turn on again.

Childish

Joke Number. 2437

I bought a pair of tortoise skin shoes, it took me 3 hours to walk out the shop. Childish

Joke Number. 2438

"There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up

and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties. The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20

and says, “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk

around without any panties on.” The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks

her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl

explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her

room, and whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the

church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest

then notices the lady and calls her down. The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting

anything, walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest hands the lady $1 and says... “Lady,

take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!”" Childish

Joke Number. 2439

I have always wanted to be a comedian.............but I’m scared of being laughed at. Childish

Joke Number. 2440

"I brought my kids some crayons yesterday... It was a present to make my kin scrawl." Childish

Joke Number. 2441

"The Head Teacher of my local school asked me to perform a magic trick for the kids in

wheelchairs the other day. So I climbed a ladder." Childish

Joke Number. 2442

"What's grey, got 4 legs and a trunk? A mouse going on holiday." Childish

Joke Number. 2443

"Last week in the UK a five year old child was shot dead with an air rifle. Have you ever heard

of a more appropriate time for the phrase “I told you it would end in tears.”?" Childish

Joke Number. 2444

"A dad sees his son looking bored one day and says to him, “Why don't you go over the road and

see how Old Mrs. Brady is?”. After only a few minutes the son comes back and says to his dad,

“Mrs. Brady's very cross dad, she says it's none of your business how old she is.”." Childish

Joke Number. 2445

"This is a true story which happened on the M1 a short while ago: A police officer had found a

perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists and one day, the officer was amazed

when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem. Ten year

old Dennis Porter was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said

“Radar Trap Ahead.” A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice,

another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading “Tips” and a bucket at his

feet, full of change." Childish

Joke Number. 2446

"I don't think it's fair for my wife to call me immature. Fair enough, I did purposely buy the same

telly as my neighbors so I could stand outside their house and change their channels with my

remote, but who doesn't?" Childish

Joke Number. 2447

Got young Children? When the wife takes them to a supermarket, tell them that no matter how

fast they run at it, automatic doors will always open in time... Childish

Joke Number. 2448

"I don't like cheesy jokes... They aren't mature enough." Childish

Joke Number. 2449

"Knock Knock Come in.... Well this is awkward" Childish

Joke Number. 2450

"My mom told me it's about high time I grew up and become independent I nearly choked on her

breast milk!" Childish

Joke Number. 2451

"Lonely man has car for sale. Low Mileage. Drives lovely. Time wasters welcome." Childish

Joke Number. 2452

"My wife said to me, “I'm sick of you being very immature. Any more of it and I'm leaving you.”

I said, “I'm sorry.” She said, “Well at least you apologized.” I said, “No, I just farted, hehe.”"

Childish

Joke Number. 2453

"If you ever want a bit of a laugh then tell a bunch of builders that there is a group of students

going around dressed as coppers and winding everybody up. Then ring the police and tell them

there are a group of students dressed up as builders vandalizing your street. Sit back and enjoy."

Childish

Joke Number. 2454

"Boss: “I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but I'm going to have to let you go, your immaturity in the

workplace has gone too far, and quite frankly you're just plain obnoxious and Childish” Me: “I

know you are but what am I?”" Childish

Joke Number. 2455

"My Girlfriend left me, claiming that I was just too Childish. So I flicked a bogey at her"

Childish

Joke Number. 2456

"Humpty dumpty sat on the wall Humpty dumpty had a great fall all the kings horses and all the

kings men couldn’t put humpty together again. It's a pity they let the horses try first, resulting in

the further smashing of the intact pieces the army could have put together with some superglue."

Childish

Joke Number. 2457

"My wife left me last night for using too many abbreviations I was like wtf?" Childish

Joke Number. 2458

"The government's committee for dealing with emergency events is called “COBRA”. With a

name like that, I bet they meet up in a tree house, have a 'No girls allowed' rule, and give each

other codenames like “Nighthawk” and “Big Dog”." Childish

Joke Number. 2459

"Tried to impress my wife this morning by putting all the plates in the dishwasher before she

came home. Apparently, we don't have a dishwasher. Another washing machine ruined..."

Childish

Joke Number. 2460

"Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you laugh for no reason, in which case you need

medicine." Childish

Joke Number. 2461

Sometimes I wish I had a lower IQ so I could understand what the wife is saying Childish

Joke Number. 2462

"My wife keeps telling me to grow up. Well this shall stop from tomorrow morning, when my

power ranger stilts arrive in the post." Childish

Joke Number. 2463

"My mate told me I was unoriginal, so is his mum!" Childish

Joke Number. 2464

"My friend told me i was Childish and immature the other day but then so is his mum!" Childish

Joke Number. 2465

Just had a 9 to 5 shift at child line it was the hardest 8 hours of my life. Childish

Joke Number. 2466

"I tagged my mate in a photo on Facebook. He reported me to our boss in ASDA and now I'm no

longer to be trusted with the price gun." Childish

Joke Number. 2467

"Are you smArter than a ten year old? Yes I know that if a stranger offers me some sweets, it

will probably end up with me getting fisted..." Childish

Joke Number. 2468

"I often have flings with birds, then end up smashing their back doors in and destroying them

outside in the woods. How I love playing Angry Birds on my phone." Childish

Joke Number. 2469

"My mate was named after his father. They called him “Dad”." Childish

Joke Number. 2470

"I told the wife I was going to a fancy dress party as one of the Seven Dwarfs. She said. “Don’t

be stupid.” Silly cow thinks that was one of them." Childish

Joke Number. 2471

My wife called me immature today. So I told her to look down her blouse and spell the word AT-

T-I-C out loud. Childish

Joke Number. 2472

"I was in Tesco yesterday and it was announced over the tannoy that a child was lost in the store

followed by a full description of what the child was wearing. Bit like 'Scramble' but for

Pedophiles!" Childish

Joke Number. 2473

"I'm the kind of guy who laughs in the face of adversity. Mostly other people's." Childish

Joke Number. 2474

"Even though I'm a monster, I find it hard to fall asleep. I always feel like there's something on

top of my bed." Childish

Joke Number. 2475

"How's the treatment for compulsive lying going? Brilliantly." Childish

Joke Number. 2476

"My friend recently sent me a 'chain letter' so I decided to show you all our email conversation -

“if u don’t send this chain 2 10 people in the next hour u will see a dead gurl in ur bedroom

tonight' “Oh great! She'll fit in nicely with the other two there!”" Childish

Joke Number. 2477

"I always have a bit of banter with the professor who lives next door, but this morning he turned

round and said that my ripostes, “reflect a personality that too readily regresses into inane

juvenile protestations.” I said, “No, that's you.”" Childish

Joke Number. 2478

You know you truly still are a child when you take an orange segment, put it in your mouth and

pretend you’re a boxer. Childish

Joke Number. 2479

How come Deaf people always find the time to play charades. Childish

Joke Number. 2480

"It's cute when your child comes home from nursery and tells you that she's got a new

boyfriend... ...this changes however, when you find out that he is older than you..." Childish

Joke Number. 2481

Apparently, I always put Childish phrases into sentences when they are not needed, well that's

what she said. Childish

Joke Number. 2482

Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road I'm going to leave and come back dressed as

Santa Clause with a sign that says, "Help, need ride." Childish

Joke Number. 2483

"I hate working in a posh school. Roll call is the worst. “Tarquin” “Sir” “Wilton” “Sir”

“Emency” “Sir” “Tarquin Wilton Emency Phillips Boucher! Please stop interrupting me!”"

Childish

Joke Number. 2484

“"I got ripped in 4 weeks” Oh and I see you got a face lift while you were at it." Childish

Joke Number. 2485

"As I stared through the bars of my cage, I was surprised to see the witch eating her own house

made of sweets. Then I realized that it must be that time of the month." Childish

Joke Number. 2486

"Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because it was chicken" Childish

Joke Number. 2487

"Everyone said me and the wife were way too young and immature to get married. Joke's on

them. We're expecting our third Tamagotchi in a week's time." Childish

Joke Number. 2488

"Critics said my career as a comedian was over. “That's just your opinion”, I quipped. They were

right." Childish

Joke Number. 2489

“"What is wet, slippery and smells?” “Son you think this kind of joke is appropriate at the dinner

table!?” “Well we are eating pickles.....”" Childish

Joke Number. 2490

"It's my girlfriend’s birthday in a couple of weeks, I really don't know what to get her. We've

been together for nearly 8 years. I just don't really know what 8 year olds like." Childish

Joke Number. 2491

"My wife said that I need to stop acting like a kid and be upfront with her more. I said, “I can't,

because the rear child safety locks are on!”" Childish

Joke Number. 2492

"Why couldn't the pirates play cards? The captain was standing on the deck" Childish

Joke Number. 2493

"If i was down that mine, in a big, dark cave, Hide & seek anyone?" Childish

Joke Number. 2494

"Justin Bieber's Hair cut: 45 Justin Biebe'rs Wardrobe: 150 Justin Bieber's talent: Worthless For

every 'Tard, there is a Master 'Tard." Childish

Joke Number. 2495

I just saw a bird versus squirrel fight. A car won. Childish

Joke Number. 2496

"People look at me strange when I buy tampons at the supermarket. “They're for the wife,” I say

patiently, as I pack them away. Then I readjust my DArth Vader helmet and walk out all

dignified like." Childish

Joke Number. 2497

"It really amuses me when people approach my car door and I pull away then stop halfway down

the street, and pull away again. I know it's Childish, but it gets rather boring being a taxi driver."

Childish

Joke Number. 2498

I must confess, I was born at a very early age. Childish

Joke Number. 2499

"BBC News - Donagh victims 'Forgotten about' Erm... Who?" Childish

Joke Number. 2500

"What do you get when you cross a cow with an Arab? Milk Sheikh" Childish

Joke Number. 2501

"I don't get all these 10 year olds being teased for not having a date. I mean, when I was their age

I was shunned for not knowing how to do an arm fart." Childish

Joke Number. 2502

"I was going to say that the Sooties had a clean Sweep. But I'm afraid they'll Sue." Childish

Joke Number. 2503

"As we drove past an elderly couple walking a Labrador earlier, my girlfriend said to me: “Isn't it

weird, ever since we have had a dog, I now always notice lots of dogs when we're out” I said, “I

know exactly what you mean, ever since I've had a girlfriend, I now notice lots of girls when

we're out!”" Childish

Joke Number. 2504

"After my dinner guests complaining my Stir Fry was a little salty, I went back to the kitchen to

see where I could have gone wrong. “ahhhh” I thought that's it as I read the recipe book, Step 4-

Toss in the pan. They should really be clearer." Childish

Joke Number. 2505

"My girlfriend said that I “don't ever take anything in my life seriously”. “This is not true”, I

said, “but I can't prove you wrong right now, I have an important phone call to do”. “Who you

gonna call?” she asked. “Ghostbusters”, I said and giggled. We had some beautiful times

together..." Childish

Joke Number. 2506

Can you say 'Iced Ink' 5 times fast? Childish

Joke Number. 2507

"My boss stopped a meeting today due to my 'disruptive behavior', he pulled me to one side and

told me that if I continued to act in such a juvenile manner then I would be severely penalized. I

couldn't help but laugh; 'penalized' sounds a little bit rude." Childish

Joke Number. 2508

"I used to be a safe driver, but I give up. After all , who wants to drive a safe." Childish

Joke Number. 2509

"My mate told me I was really slow yesterday when we were in the pub. I quickly came back

with “Your mum's really slow.” Unfortunately he couldn't hear it as he had left hours ago."

Childish

Joke Number. 2510

"My local sperm bank is having a Pancake day fund raiser. All I could think was who would give

a toss?" Childish

Joke Number. 2511

"We've spent years trying to make a baby, but me and the wife have stuck together and finally

made one. It's the hardest Airfix kit we've ever done." Childish

Joke Number. 2512

A Swedish comedian just made fun out of Steve Jobs, saying that he was going to have an

interactive tombstone called die Pad. Childish

Joke Number. 2513

"What's yellow and can’t swim? A Bulldozer." Childish

Joke Number. 2514

"My wife accused me of being Childish as we left the fair, so I wouldn't let it go. “Alright,

you’re not Childish, but for God's sake let it go will you?” my wife moaned. “Not until you say

you're sorry and that I'm not Childish” I replied. “Ok, I'm sorry and you’re not Childish, now

please, just let it go” she sighed. Satisfied she meant it and with a smug grin on my face, I wound

down the car window and finally let my Mickey Mouse helium balloon go." Childish

Joke Number. 2515

I've just bought a Fairtrade chocolate bar from my local shop. You can almost taste the happy

Africans Childish

Joke Number. 2516

Ageing - Paedophiles worst nightmare. Childish

Joke Number. 2517

"My mum said that if I don't stop acting like such a child I will never amount to anything. Then

she stormed off, forgetting to turn on my nightlight I might add." Childish

Joke Number. 2518

I'm the type of guy that likes to hold a plastic gun to an ATM when I draw out cash. Childish

Joke Number. 2519

"Sometimes my friend’s don’t get me. It's like I'm not even playing tag with them." Childish

Joke Number. 2520

"Breaking news: An egg fell off the shelves in Tesco this morning and smashed on the floor. The

next of Kinder have been informed." Childish

Joke Number. 2521

"My wife thinks that I'm too Childish and says that if I don't get down from on top of the

wardrobe she is moving out. I'm the one that is safe from the hot lava." Childish

Joke Number. 2522

"People say my jokes are quite cheesy... Personally, I think they're quite mature" Childish

Joke Number. 2523

My girlfriend told me all I’m getting for Christmas is an empty sack. jackpot! Childish

Joke Number. 2524

"The wife just said that she wants to try out swinging. That's fine, just as long as she doesn't

expect me to be the one pushing the fat lump." Childish

Joke Number. 2525

"Things are getting a bit Childish in here. Come on, Teddy, we're leaving." Childish

Joke Number. 2526

My 10 year old son came up to me today and asked “daddy I hate it when I go to the toilet and

my Willie dangles in the water at the bottom" man I need a DNA test. Childish

Joke Number. 2527

"I have girls crawling at my feet! Yeah I work in a disabled home" Childish

Joke Number. 2528

I was messing about the other day and someone told me to act my age and not my shoe size,

which seemed odd to me. I wear a 44. Childish

Joke Number. 2529

"I'm sick and tired of my girlfriend insulting my friends. She hasn't even met them. What right

does she have to call them stupid, Childish and imaginary?" Childish

Joke Number. 2530

I started to charge my phone earlier.... until the wife said, "Take that kids plastic Viking helmet

off your head and STOP pretending you're a bull." Childish

Joke Number. 2531

"My girlfriend accused me of being Childish and argumentative. I said, 'No I'm not, you are.'

Shut her up." Childish

Joke Number. 2532

"What do you call an up-to-date raisin? Currant." Childish

Joke Number. 2533

"During my volcano expedition I had to avoid stepping on the lava at all costs. Until mum came

in, and said to stop pretending that the carpet is molten rock and to put the cushions away."

Childish

Joke Number. 2534

I thought that 'Snap' was the easiest card game ever until someone pointed out that you lay the

cards down face up. Childish

Joke Number. 2535

"If there is one thing that irritates me about my wife it is the way she dresses. For instance, she

spent about an hour trying to put on some underwear this morning. She argues that she would

have got them on much sooner, if I would have stopped kicking my legs petulantly." Childish

Joke Number. 2536

"People say Google suggestions are always correct. So how come I never get any suggestions

when I've typed in 'Child p'?" Childish

Joke Number. 2537

Roses are red, violets are blue, what I thought to be Vaseline turned out to be glue Childish

Joke Number. 2538

"ITV 1 6.30pm: You've been framed! Kids edition Sickipedia 6.30pm: 0 users online" Childish

Joke Number. 2539

People who say they shave every day are just bare-faced liars. Childish

Joke Number. 2540

"I stuck a label on my roommates back saying “I sleep with kids” as he was heading out for his

first day of work. He later got sacked from the nursery." Childish

Joke Number. 2541

"I'm currently spying on my neighbor on my bike, thinking, that’s my bike" Childish

Joke Number. 2542

If you're addicted to immature calculator jokes, call our helpline: 58008 5138008 Childish

Joke Number. 2543

My wife said to me "I'm leaving you, you're the laziest man I've ever met. I'll be back tomorrow

to collect my stuff" "Please don't babe" I begged "Come back Monday instead. It's your

turn to take out the bins." Childish

Joke Number. 2544

"My girlfriend stormed into the room and said I'm obsessed with retro Children’s TV shows. I

dropped a Clanger." Childish

Joke Number. 2545

"My wife threw me out for being too Childish last night. God knows how she knocked down the

walls of my impenetrable pillow fort to get to me." Childish

Joke Number. 2546

"My wife just caught me flicking our daughter's bean. I don't care though, they're really fun when

they jump about." Childish

Joke Number. 2547

Just had a row with my son over Peter Pan. It's about time he grew up. Childish

Joke Number. 2548

"My wife said she's leaving me 'because my displays of immaturity over the course of our

relationship number too many to recall'. Heh heh heh. She said 'number two'." Childish

Joke Number. 2549

"My wife had the cheek to call me “Immature”. Unfortunately for her, I said it at the exact same

time so now she's Jinxed!" Childish

Joke Number. 2550

"My girlfriend walked in and said I’m too Childish for her. I nearly chocked on my lego."

Childish

Joke Number. 2551

"I was sat in my police car when I got a shout on the radio that there was a robbery in progress. I

got there as quick as i could, just in time to catch one of them. We struggled violently, and I

ended up getting him in a very painful arm lock. He struggled some more, so i knocked him out

with a left hook. For some reason, my 6 year old doesn't want to play with me anymore" Childish

Joke Number. 2552

"My mum is kicking me out of the house. She says it’s time for me to grow up, and stop living

like I'm a teenager in the 90's. What among..." Childish

Joke Number. 2553

It's got to the point where i wear my headset whilst playing my Xbox even when i have no

friends online. Just so i don't have to talk to my wife. Childish

Joke Number. 2554

"A cannibal gets fed up with his wife and decides to kill her and serve her to the rest of the

Family, leaving them unaware it is their mum they are eating. They are all enjoying the dinner

when the daughter turns to the father and says, “This is lovely, dad. What is it?” “Your mum,”

says the dad. The daughter says, “I think you're a bit old for Childish remarks, dad.”" Childish

Joke Number. 2555

"Why is it when you say I love Children it is seen as nice but when you get specific it is weird I

love 8 year olds" Childish

Joke Number. 2556

"I and my girlfriend were arguing the other night, and to cut a long story short, I was told that I'm

'too Childish' for her and that maybe I should sleep on the sofa. The next morning, she came

downstairs all apologetic. However, I chose to ignore her in the fort I had created." Childish

Joke Number. 2557

Just took a dump in the ladies bathroom at work. The men’s room was open, but i just wanted to

show them ladies who’s boss. Childish

Joke Number. 2558

"My wife said to me, “I can't stand being around an immature little man anymore. Put yourself in

my shoes.” I said, “No thanks, I'm not your size.”" Childish

Joke Number. 2559

I'm the type of guy who puts the poo in swimming pool. Childish

Joke Number. 2560

"After years of narrowing down the different types of human pattern scientist have finally

narrowed it down to two. 1) The 9-5: living by the system finding a girls settling down getting

married, kids, the works. 2) Call of duty." Childish

Joke Number. 2561

Nothing says Chav better than 'Man throws ex's hamster out of first floor council flat window'.

Childish

Joke Number. 2562

“"Doctor Doctor! I think I'm a deck of cards” “I knew that when you shuffled into my surgery”!"

Childish

Joke Number. 2563

"Having not lost a tennis match in 4 years, I was furious at losing today with the umpire making

some terrible decisions. “For crying out loud Dave, Luke is only 7, letting him win just once

won’t kill you” said the wife." Childish

Joke Number. 2564

Entered a farting contest the other day. Mine wasn't the best but it wasn't to be sniffed at.

Childish

Joke Number. 2565

"With his trousers down round his ankles he said.. “Look, they’re small, smelly, and this one no

longer stands up on command” .... “Sargent, when I asked how your pri----s were doing, that's

not exactly what I had in mind..”" Childish

Joke Number. 2566

I'm not superficial. I try to be nice to ugly people. In case I ever need someone to babysit on

short notice. Childish

Joke Number. 2567

Unicorns aren't extinct - they just gained weight and are now called rhinos Childish

Joke Number. 2568

"Bob`s father bought him a cowboy outfit for his birthday.. That`s when he became a builder.."

Childish

Joke Number. 2569

"If you were unlucky enough to lose your thumb..... Would the bottom of your sandwich fall

off?" Childish

Joke Number. 2570

"The missus puts a smile on my face every morning.... But it's nowhere near as neat as the specs

and tash I put on her while SHE'S asleep! Biro's ROCK!!!" Childish

Joke Number. 2571

"I and the Mrs. were having another fight so I demanded she got off my back. I was in no mood

to give her or anyone else a piggyback." Childish

Joke Number. 2572

I've lived a life full of mistakes...I mean regrets. Childish

Joke Number. 2573

"Who's boss of the pencil case? The Ruler." Childish

Joke Number. 2574

"This bird was flirting with me in the pub. “I wear a DD bra,” she whispered. “That's OK,” I

said. “I wear Tum-Tiddly-Um underpants”." Childish

Joke Number. 2575

"My mom lost her credit card today, she accused everyone of taking it and got everyone really

stressed, a Family friend asked her, after an hour of looking, if it was in her bra. Long behold she

pulled it out and we all laughed at her. We never found that card.." Childish

Joke Number. 2576

"I had to leave the army because my Childish commanding officers kept getting me in trouble.

Major Look and Major Stare." Childish

Joke Number. 2577

"How do you stop a baby exploding in the microwave? Stab holes in it." Childish

Joke Number. 2578

"World Book Day next week and you're supposed to dress up as someone from a book. I'm

dressing up as myself, from Facebook." Childish

Joke Number. 2579

"I was having a discussion with my wife today. She was going on about how I was too immature

and Childish for her and that she thinks we should terminate our marriage. “If you ever grow up,

come and find me.” she said, “But right now, it's over”. I broke down into tears at this point. As I

hadn't laughed so hard in years." Childish

Joke Number. 2580

"What happens if you hook up two 9V batteries to a raisin? You get an electric current." Childish

Joke Number. 2581

"I'm going to open a bar called Rapunzel’s. That way the ladies can really let their hair down."

Childish

Joke Number. 2582

"My mum said I’ll be in shock at uni because I’m too Childish. That's pathetic, just because I

didn't let her in my castle to play with my dragons." Childish

Joke Number. 2583

If your parents never had Children, chances are you won't either Childish

Joke Number. 2584

"Not got Children? Hire a babysitter anyway, say the kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken.

When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone." Children

Joke Number. 2585

"A guy asks his girlfriend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a

Lamborghini Countach - she loves this car and she goes everywhere in it. One day, she picks up

her kids from school. She's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in

front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up

from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor, “Where is my son? He

was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham.”

The doctor replies, “I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he won't be able to kick a football

anymore.” The woman asks about her daughter. “Doctor, where is my daughter? She was really

good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at Wimbledon.” The doctor

says, “Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she won't be able to pick up a racket

anymore.” She begins to cry. “Doctor,” asks the woman, “how long have I been in this coma?”

The doctor replies, “Six months.” “So what's the date?” asks the woman. “April 1st,” says the

doctor. The woman begins to laugh “So you were joking then, were you?” Doctor: “YES... they

both died on impact.”" Children

Joke Number. 2586

"I felt like a fool when I bought Amy Winehouse tickets for my daughter and then remembered

that she died last year. Even more so when I remembered that Amy Winehouse died too."

Children

Joke Number. 2587

"I couldn't get to sleep last night. There were loud noises outside, and I kept tossing and turning,

but I just couldn't get comfortable, I was hot, then freezing, then itchy, it was unbearable. Then I

thought of the Children in Haiti who have been forced to sleep on what's left of their streets..

And then I thought, great, now I have an erection to add to my list of distractions." Children

Joke Number. 2588

I've got three kids, ten, eight and five. Weird names, I know. Children

Joke Number. 2589

"The other day my six-year-old son said: “When I grow up, I want to get the highest score on

Sickipedia.” I said: “You can't do both.”" Children

Joke Number. 2590

"Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of Children came up. The bride

said she wanted three Children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to

things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy.” Without a moment's

hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own.”"

Children

Joke Number. 2591

"A man arrives home from work and finds his wife stressed because the kids had been running

wild all day. She asks if he would take them out for a pizza. He told the kids to go into the

garage. He followed them. A few moments later the wife hears two loud bangs. The guy comes

back into the house and asks “Where's my pizza?”" Children

Joke Number. 2592

"When I was a kid, we all played spin the bottle. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to

you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny. By the time I was 16 I

owned my own house." Children

Joke Number. 2593

"A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest

kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a 2 pound coin in one hand and

two 50ps in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy

takes the two 50ps and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy next to an ice cream van. “Hey,

son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take two 50ps instead of the 2 pound coin?” The

boy licked his ice cream cone and replied, “Because, the day I take the 2 pound coin, the game is

over.”" Children

Joke Number. 2594

Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you. Children

Joke Number. 2595

"My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly. “Which one?” I replied, “James Junior, or

the girl one?”" Children

Joke Number. 2596

"What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch? Names." Children

Joke Number. 2597

"How do you get a child to stop wetting the bed? Give him an electric blanket" Children

Joke Number. 2598

"Ahhh memories. I remember my mother used to say “There's a train coming, there's a train

coming” when she fed me. I used to gobble up the food. Well if I didn't she wouldn't untie me

from the tracks." Children

Joke Number. 2599

"I've got three Children, one of each. A boy, a girl and an 800-metre sprinter." Children

Joke Number. 2600

"My wife and I have seven kids, which I'll admit is an awful lot. But we're committed, and we're

going to keep on trying until we get one we like." Children

Joke Number. 2601

"My five year old son painted his 'Bob the Builder' action toy black. I told him he's ruined it, it'll

never work again." Children

Joke Number. 2602

"I just watched my daughter's netball team play for a place in the under eleven's final. What a

semi." Children

Joke Number. 2603

"I failed my driving test again, today. There were a couple of minors. The examiner said that I

was right slowing down by the school, but wolf whistling is a definite no-no." Children

Joke Number. 2604

"A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks “excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?” The

shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says “do you

want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one

over there?” The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans

forward and whispers, “ I don't wealy fink my anaconda gives a phuc.”" Children

Joke Number. 2605

"My wife and I had to run to the shops for five minutes, and so we left our four-year-old son

unattended with a jigsaw to keep him amused. Imagine our surprise when we came back to

discover he had sawn off four of his fingers." Children

Joke Number. 2606

"'Boy of four dies in tumble dryer during a game of hide and seek' Police say his last words were,

“I'm getting warmer.”" Children

Joke Number. 2607

"I had a threesome with two young girls last night. They had a combined age of 19 so I presume

what I did was completely legal." Children

Joke Number. 2608

"The wife and I decided to flip a coin to see what our newborn son should be called. He's called

Tails." Children

Joke Number. 2609

"What's the hardest part of telling your son he's adopted? For me it was learning Chinese."

Children

Joke Number. 2610

"I and my wife have different ways to discipline our kids. She threatens them by saying, “Just

wait until your father gets home.” I say, “Just wait until your mother goes out.”" Children

Joke Number. 2611

"I have one of those 'Anti Bullying' wrist bands ...... I stole it from a fat ginger kid!" Children

Joke Number. 2612

The Slinky: Crushing the happiness of Children living in bungalows since 1945. Children

Joke Number. 2613

"We put our kids to sleep by tossing them in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for

this method to work." Children

Joke Number. 2614

"Happy Mother's Day to all my neighbors on the estate. Remember: if you go out for a meal,

take it easy on the WKD as you've got school tomorrow and it’s nearly GCSE time." Children

Joke Number. 2615

"My little girl came to me the other day and said, “Daddy, what is sadness?” I couldn't think of

anything to say, so I ran her dog over." Children

Joke Number. 2616

"I and my wife saw a young boy in rags sitting outside Tesco. My wife asked, “Awww are you

an orphan?” He replied, “Yes, what gave me away?” I said, “Your parents.”" Children

Joke Number. 2617

"During a blazing row with my youngest son, he turned to me and screamed, “I wish I was

adopted”. Well, it’s taken six months and a lot of paperwork, but finally I've managed to make

his wish come true." Children

Joke Number. 2618

“"Your son just called me an old cow!” said my neighbor. “That's disgraceful,” I said. “I keep

telling him not to judge people by their appearance.”" Children

Joke Number. 2619

"Just heard ex-nanny Louise Woodward is back in England and working at my local

McDonald's. All kids get a free shake." Children

Joke Number. 2620

"I was sat on the bus today when a little girl nearby, who had been on the bus for a good hour,

said to her mum, “I can't feel my legs!” I leaned over and asked politely, “Can I?” And that's

when the police got involved." Children

Joke Number. 2621

"Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded

to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”

“Eight,” the boy replied. The man continued, “Do you know how these are used?” The boy

replied, “Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother he's four. We saw on TV

that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one.”"

Children

Joke Number. 2622

"Child locks. Preventing kids escaping from burning vehicles since the 1980s." Children

Joke Number. 2623

I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at

once. Children

Joke Number. 2624

"When I have a kid, I'm going to buy one of those prams for twins. Then put the kid in it, and run

around looking frantic." Children

Joke Number. 2625

"My son said to me yesterday, “Dad, my mum reckons I get my intelligence from her, is that

right?” I replied, “Well, it must be, I've still got mine.”" Children

Joke Number. 2626

"I was watching my son splashing around in the bath this morning. Unfortunately my wife came

in and grabbed him before he drowned." Children

Joke Number. 2627

"My daughter was really upset when she found out her new gold earrings were only gold plated.

Not as upset as I was, they're leaving a green rash on my thighs." Children

Joke Number. 2628

"When I was six I was a bit of a knife addict. I was also an only child......eventually." Children

Joke Number. 2629

"I coach a schoolboy football team. In today's match, and the very last kick of the game, our

goalkeeper let the ball through his legs and gave away the goal that cost us the match. After the

game he came over and said, “Sorry, coach, I should have kept my legs shut.” I said, “It's not

your fault, Jimmy. It's your mother who should have kept her legs shut.”" Children

Joke Number. 2630

"Want to enjoy your holiday but the kids are too noisy around the pool? Try putting the

armbands on their ankles, it works every time...." Children

Joke Number. 2631

"A young boy asks his Dad, “What is the Difference between confident and confidential?” Dad

says, “You are my son, I'm confident about that. But see your friend over there? He is also my

son. That's confidential.”" Children

Joke Number. 2632

"A little boy comes running into the house and says, “Mummy, can little girls have babies?” His

mum replies, “No, of course not.” The little boy runs back outside and yells, “It's okay, we can

play that game again!”" Children

Joke Number. 2633

"Why did the little girl fall over? Because I threw a brick at her head!" Children

Joke Number. 2634

"I'm like a God in my Kid's eyes, they are told that I created them, but they have never seen me."

Children

Joke Number. 2635

"My son said, “What's your biggest regret dad?” I said, “I'm not sure son... Who's taller, you or

your brother?”" Children

Joke Number. 2636

"What do you call a man with twin teenage daughters? Mate." Children

Joke Number. 2637

Why should I be the one to take the kids to see their psychologist? I don't even love them.

Children

Joke Number. 2638

"As I looked at our son, I said to my wife, “It's amazing how much snot you can get up the nose

of a one year old.” She said, “Will you stop doing that.”" Children

Joke Number. 2639

"I hurt my back today.. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off."

Children

Joke Number. 2640

I'm not saying your child is ugly... I'm just saying you will never have to worry about

paedophiles. Children

Joke Number. 2641

"I don't like Children. What people don't seem to realize is that babies are here to replace us.

Once you understand that you can see just how sinister they are." Children

Joke Number. 2642

"I'm watching my neighbor’s kids whilst they are away on holiday. If they leave that door

unlocked, I'm in there." Children

Joke Number. 2643

"Tip for the day: When a Census taker asks how many Children you have, the correct answer is

not, “As many as I can catch”." Children

Joke Number. 2644

"My mate asked me why my Children always blame it on someone else. I said, “I'm not sure,

they must get it from their mother.”" Children

Joke Number. 2645

If sperm's really good for the skin, why has my daughter still got eczema? Children

Joke Number. 2646

"The Government has decided that cough medicines don't work on Children under 12 and are

withdrawing them from sale. I beg to differ, I find it makes them nice and drowsy." Children

Joke Number. 2647

"Today I am going to be a dad for the first time. Neglecting my kids for the last 12 years is

probably long enough." Children

Joke Number. 2648

"I was never my parent’s favorite when I was growing up. Which, considering I'm an only

child..." Children

Joke Number. 2649

"I would like to put forward my nomination for the “Protester of the Year Award”... Every

weekday morning and afternoon without fail there is a man who stands outside our local school

protesting. He dresses himself all in yellow and he holds a small round placard that simply reads

“Stop Children” That to me is dedication to a worthy cause and deserves recognition." Children

Joke Number. 2650

"I decided to sponsor a third world child. As it turns out he was too malnourished to finish the

fun run so I didn't pay him." Children

Joke Number. 2651

"I was talking with my girlfriend last night when I said that ugly Children are terrible and should

be kept in a cage. She didn't take it well at all. She stared at me and angrily said, “Well, what

would you do if I gave birth to a child that was ugly?” I replied, “I'd love it as if it were my

own!”" Children

Joke Number. 2652

"I thought I'd give my Children a surprise this Christmas. So I didn't buy them anything."

Children

Joke Number. 2653

"TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake. SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes

don't have feet." Children

Joke Number. 2654

Apparently, when your teenage child appears from their room after many hours perfecting their

"look", you are not supposed to laugh. Children

Joke Number. 2655

I used to think Santa Claus was a paedophile... Turned out it was my uncle Frank all along.

Children

Joke Number. 2656

"My wife just gave birth to our son, he was six nine and healthy. I think I'll have to buy him a

new cot though, because I didn't expect him to be that tall." Children

Joke Number. 2657

"What's the best present to get a dying child? A dying puppy." Children

Joke Number. 2658

"When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite

toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little

cup of tea, which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such

yummy tea, my Mum came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little

Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, “Just the cutest thing!” My Mum waited, and

sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up

and then says, “Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is

the toilet?”" Children

Joke Number. 2659

"A recent survey, carried out in Scotland, proved that the first child to be born in a Family is

USUALLY the MOST INTELLIGENT child within that particular Family. American

researchers (not wanting to be outdone) took this study one step forward and proved that the first

child to be born in a Family is ALWAYS the ELDEST child within that particular Family."

Children

Joke Number. 2660

I've just been in McDonald's and I've seen four girls who have the face of a 12 year old and the

body of a girl who's name ends in .jpg Children

Joke Number. 2661

"They say that Children are our most valuable natural resource. I agree. In fact, I've already

started drilling." Children

Joke Number. 2662

"Shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother went out to the hairdressers. Father stayed

home to care for their son, soon the baby started crying. The father did everything possible to

stop the crying, but the baby wouldn't stop. Worried he took the baby to the doctors. The Doctor

examined the baby's ears, chest then down to the nappy area. When he undid the nappy, he found

the nappy was full. “Here's the problem”, the Dr. said, “he needs to be changed.” The father was

perplexed,” but the nappy packaging says it good for up to 10lbs.”" Children

Joke Number. 2663

I really hate reading the kids a bedtime story when my wife's too tired to do it. Tonight should be

the last time though - I'm reading them the Exorcist. Children

Joke Number. 2664

I was as ugly as a child that I had a tinted incubator. Children

Joke Number. 2665

"Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into

trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably

involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining

Children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see

them individually. The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the

preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger

boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?” The boy's mouth dropped

open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the

preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?!” Again, the boy made

no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's

face and bellowed, “WHERE is GOD?!” The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran

directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother

found him in the closet, he asked “What happened?” The younger brother, gasping for breath,

replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time!” “GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!”"

Children

Joke Number. 2666

"I overheard my son and daughter complaining the other day that I act more like a boss than a

father towards them. So I've invited them both to a disciplinary hearing at 10.00 next Monday

morning." Children

Joke Number. 2667

I saw a black couple on the news who had been jailed for beating their child and I thought,

"Wow, I'm so glad my parents weren't like that... or I'd be black" Children

Joke Number. 2668

"What's the Difference between Batman and Madeleine McCann? Batman returns." Children

Joke Number. 2669

Whenever my young son cries too much, I show him his birth video in reverse and tell him that's

what happens to kids who don't stop crying. Children

Joke Number. 2670

"My son invited his posh friend to his birthday party. I asked him, “What's your favorite game,

Tarquin?” He said, “Partridge, but I'm partial to grouse in season.”" Children

Joke Number. 2671

"When my boss asked me why I was leaving so early, “I'm going to pick the kids up before their

parents get there,” was not the answer I should have given." Children

Joke Number. 2672

I was asked by my local community center to play Simon says with the kids. According to the

parents Simon does not say take off your clothes. Children

Joke Number. 2673

I had to take my son to the emergency room today after my attempt at teaching him to ride a bike

went wrong. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have started with a Kawasaki Ninja. Children

Joke Number. 2674

"I hit my nephew yesterday.... My sister was absolutely hysterical. but then I was in an Audi and

he was playing in the driveway....." Children

Joke Number. 2675

Little kid fell in the hole I dug in my garden, when he hit the bottom there was a splash from the

water below. Couldn't help but think, Oh well. Children

Joke Number. 2676

"I don't know if I’m a bit sick; but when you're out shopping, does no one else find it funny when

distracted toddlers walk into things... ...like the road" Children

Joke Number. 2677

I fed my Children some radioactive laxatives the other day....You should have seen their little

faces light up....... Children

Joke Number. 2678

I scored 556 in a cricket match today. I could have scored more, but after nearly 6 hours at the

crease my wife insisted I let my son have a bat. Children

Joke Number. 2679

"My wife kept telling me I should show my son a bit more affection. So now I pat it on the head

when I get home from work." Children

Joke Number. 2680

"I complained to my newsagent that my paperboy is coming earlier every morning. He's

promised me my next one will have more stamina." Children

Joke Number. 2681

"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the

aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from Children.”" Children

Joke Number. 2682

"I said to my son, “what you doing?” “Maths homework.” I said, “Give us a question.”

“What's the lowest common denominator?” I said, “You'll never find it, they were looking for

that when I was at school.”" Children

Joke Number. 2683

"My daughter's just hit the age where she asks questions about everything. What are you doing

daddy? Why is that inside me daddy? Why does it taste funny daddy? It's hard feeding your kids

vegetables." Children

Joke Number. 2684

"I feel sorry for kids nowadays, especially when they see a toy advertised on television. They

want it but can't have it because their parents have to be 18 or older to buy it." Children

Joke Number. 2685

"My neighbors’ kids were building a snowman, and asked me for a carrot and two lumps of coal.

The way kids are these days, I suppose it was a bit naive of me to expect that they'd use them for

its face." Children

Joke Number. 2686

"I tried to begin the magic, by telling my kids just like in the advert on TV... I peeled back the

paper revealing the writing, “We're going to Disneyland....” They were so excited until I

removed it entirely, and it said “...Paris.”" Children

Joke Number. 2687

"My 11yr old son was sent home from school yesterday, accompanied by the police, just for

having a little gash on his finger. Admittedly, it did belong to the headmistress............." Children

Joke Number. 2688

Nothing says "I was bullied at school" quite like becoming a copper Children

Joke Number. 2689

"I was fired from my job as a Children's magician today... Apparently, when I make the kids

disappear, I also have to make them re-appear." Children

Joke Number. 2690

"I took my twins into town today to get fitted for their first bras. They complained and said they

will get teased at school, especially by the other boys in the football team." Children

Joke Number. 2691

"I've never read my daughter's diary. No kid that sits and writes in a diary is doing anything

worth worrying about." Children

Joke Number. 2692

"Asians. If you're good at something there is always an eight year old Asian kid that can do it

better." Children

Joke Number. 2693

"A little boy walks into his kitchen and says, “Dad, there's a man knocking on the door with a

beard.” His dad replies, “Oh, no wonder I didn't hear him!”" Children

Joke Number. 2694

"My 7 year old son wet himself this morning and all I said was “Urine trouble?” and he wet

himself again. Now that's power." Children

Joke Number. 2695

"Social services has just taken my 2 year old off me for no reason what so ever. I don't even

know if his new parents will even let him smoke in the house!" Children

Joke Number. 2696

"It's really difficult finding things to do with the kids during the holidays. My eldest wanted to go

and see Cars and the youngest wanted to go to the park. We've had to compromise, so we're in

Asda's carpark." Children

Joke Number. 2697

However sad you feel... Just remember that, somewhere in the world, a fat kid has just dropped

his ice-cream Children

Joke Number. 2698

"Christmas has come early to my house. My daughter has just invited her school pals round for a

pajama party." Children

Joke Number. 2699

It takes 24 screws to build an Ikea cot but only 1 to fill it Children

Joke Number. 2700

"Was in the pharmacy today when a little girl pointed to a shelve of condoms and asked her dad

“Daddy what are the sweets up there?” He replies “Sweets that I should have bought”" Children

Joke Number. 2701

"After setting the orphanage on fire, I stood back and watched the kids clawing and scrambling

to get out the front door, pushing, shoving, and even trampling over one another. Children can be

so cruel." Children

Joke Number. 2702

I hate these kids who play tag. They really think they're it. Children

Joke Number. 2703

"If I had a penny for every time I did a day’s work.....I'd be an Indian child." Children

Joke Number. 2704

"The other day, my baby was crawling along the floor, stopped, and thought for a bit, staggered

uneasily to his feet, then shakily walked across the room looking pleased with himself. My

missus was elated, showering him with praise and affection. Why is it, when I do the same thing

after coming back from the pub at 3 in the morning, I just get a slap?" Children

Joke Number. 2705

I was supposed to be Godfather for my mate’s newborn, but putting a horse’s head in his cot

wasn't what my mate expected. Children

Joke Number. 2706

"BBC News: Light drinking 'no risk to baby' really.... Well when social services caught me

feeding my 2 month old son Jack Daniels they said something entirely different." Children

Joke Number. 2707

"My son turned round earlier and said I'm the most uncool dad on the planet. I've spent the last

two hours trying to think of a groovy response." Children

Joke Number. 2708

"Since Sickipedia is now been overrun by kids, can I be the first to say, Do any of you want to

see my puppies?" Children

Joke Number. 2709

"What's worse than finding white stains inside the front of your son's underwear? Finding them

on the back." Children

Joke Number. 2710

"Child line really needs to be renamed..... I rang them and ordered 3 but instead a van full of

Police officers turned up???" Children

Joke Number. 2711

I'm as bored as a fat kid on a see-saw. Children

Joke Number. 2712

Is it just me, or does the story of The Pied Piper seem a lot more sinister now than when you read

it as a kid? Children

Joke Number. 2713

"I was invited round by my long term girlfriend to meet her parents. All was going well, they

seemed to like me, and then they asked the killer question “Are you planning on having kids.” I

replied “Don’t be silly you can't have Children the way we do it” I am now single." Children

Joke Number. 2714

"My friend has had her kids taken away after social services said she isn't a fit mother.

Personally, I reckon she's bang tidy." Children

Joke Number. 2715

Is it just me or is Hannah Montana getting on a bit now? Children

Joke Number. 2716

"It was tough growing up with strict parents as a deaf kid. At meal times I was always told off

for speaking with my hands full." Children

Joke Number. 2717

I was a lovely baby. My parents used to fake my kidnapping just to see my pictures in the papers

Children

Joke Number. 2718

"I would like to thank the designers of my house for putting the plug sockets at a height that a

child of eight months could easily put his fingers into and die from an electric shock. Seriously...

thanks. Got my first decent night’s sleep in eight months, last night." Children

Joke Number. 2719

"I really am turning into my father. I have a disappointing son." Children

Joke Number. 2720

"What's the Difference between Madeleine Mcann, My girlfriend and a dead baby?

Nothing." Children

Joke Number. 2721

"My daughter screamed when I did her hair up in pigtails. She doesn't want to visit the abattoir

again." Children

Joke Number. 2722

"I saw a Birthday badge that says “I am 2” on the front. On the back, however, the warning label

says “This object is not suitable for Children 3 and under.”" Children

Joke Number. 2723

"Baby sitting for your friends kids is just like having a hire car. You abuse them as much as you

want, then hand them back." Children

Joke Number. 2724

"My belief in Santa Claus is starting to get severely tested. For three years my Children haven't

received any presents for Christmas, and I know for a fact that they've not been particularly

naughty." Children

Joke Number. 2725

"The other day I came home from work and my girlfriend was waiting for me in the kitchen. She

told me that she felt she was ready to take the next step in our relationship. “Twins?” I asked

with high hopes. She nodded in reply. “Great!” I said, “I know an Asian pair who will definitely

be game.” Apparently she meant she wanted kids..." Children

Joke Number. 2726

"My daughter told me this morning that when she was older she wanted to be a businesswoman

and run a chocolate factory. Aren't kids adorable! Of course I was honest and explained to her

there is no such word as 'businesswoman'." Children

Joke Number. 2727

Am I the only one alarmed that Santa breaks into my house undetected, Drinks my Jack Daniels,

Eats all my mince pies and to top it all off, Watch’s my Children 24/7? Children

Joke Number. 2728

“"Daddy?” the kid asked his father. “Where did I come from?” “Ask your mother,” he replied. “I

did,” the kid said. “But I don't think she was telling the truth. She said I came from a bucket.”

“Hmmmm,” chuckled his dad. “That's about the size of it...”" Children

Joke Number. 2729

"Even though I'm a cub scout leader, I'm still nervous around kids. But when we all dressed up as

Red Indians the other day I did feel a little brave." Children

Joke Number. 2730

"I was telling my mate I grounded our baby for screaming so much and he said, “How can you

ground a baby?” “With a mortar and pestle.” I replied." Children

Joke Number. 2731

"My dad's recently been hitting the booze every night. I like to call him alcopop" Children

Joke Number. 2732

"I don't believe in smacking my kids. I find that pointing a gun at them accomplishes the same

thing." Children

Joke Number. 2733

"After coming home from a school trip to the cinema, I had the following conversation with my

wife: “I got a Woody from watching Toy Story 3 today.” “Oh really dear? Give it to the kids.”

So, that your honour, is the reason why my wife is an accomplice." Children

Joke Number. 2734

Nothing says "I'm a paedophile" more than owning a chocolate factory. Children

Joke Number. 2735

"I was on the phone to my brother when I gave it to my 5yr old son. After a minute of silence I

took the phone back, apologized for my son’s shyness and said my goodbyes. Then I turned to

my son and said, “Why didn't you speak to your uncle Terry, son?” He said, “Because he's

always told me that he'd kill me if I ever said anything.”" Children

Joke Number. 2736

"After a particularly bad parents evening, the teacher said the problem must stem from home.

She even went so far as to ask if I loved my daughter. Apparently 'often' was the wrong answer."

Children

Joke Number. 2737

"BBC News: “Are you a parent that struggles to help your Children with their homework, we

have ways to make it easier for you.” Yeah, don't have a kid at 16." Children

Joke Number. 2738

"I spotted a lonely boy in the park. Being the nice person that I am, I played basketball with him.

My fun ended when he got stuck in the hoop." Children

Joke Number. 2739

"BBC News: 'Parenting style strongly affects drinking' That's odd - because I find drinking

strongly affects my parenting style..." Children

Joke Number. 2740

I'm playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they'll never find me, because they aren't

old enough to drive or get into this pub. Children

Joke Number. 2741

"My wife was saying 'I don't care what you say. There's no pain in the world as bad as childbirth'

Anyway you will be glad to know she now knows better. Sorry make that knew better." Children

Joke Number. 2742

"I was explaining to my daughter that hamsters don't live forever and that when Harry's time

comes, she could invite her friends round and have sandwiches, jelly and ice cream to celebrate

his life. She asked, “Dad, can we kill him now?”" Children

Joke Number. 2743

"My daughter brought a boy home the other day, and I wasn't impressed I didn't hesitate to tell

everyone present what I thought of him. She started crying, but that was probably just a side

effect of the stressful birth." Children

Joke Number. 2744

"I saw a disabled kid struggling to get going on the swings because he had no legs, so I gave him

a push. Then put my kid on the swing." Children

Joke Number. 2745

I'm guessing the next idiot child will be killed by an electric fence. Children

Joke Number. 2746

"I brought my kids some crayons yesterday... It was a present to make my kin scrawl." Children

Joke Number. 2747

"Just saw a little fat girl wearing a T-shirt that said “I'm Daddy's Favorite” She must be an only

child if she's his favorite!" Children

Joke Number. 2748

"I treat my kids like AM radio. I never listen to them." Children

Joke Number. 2749

"Anyone else think it's weird that Roman Catholic Priests are known as “Fathers” when none of

them have kids? Well at least not in the traditional sense..." Children

Joke Number. 2750

I just recently fell down the stairs carrying my 2 year old daughter, don't worry though, I

managed to strategically position her in such a way that I didn't get hurt. Children

Joke Number. 2751

"My son was sent home from school today for putting super glue round the rim of his teacher's

coffee cup. I said to him, “What did your teacher say when he found out?” “Mmmmmmmmmmm-

mmmm-mmmm..........!”" Children

Joke Number. 2752

For years, I tried to get my son to tuck in his shirts, and failed. So in the end, I sewed an edge of

lace all around the bottom of his shirts. Children

Joke Number. 2753

"I started working as a teacher in a school for mentally challenged Children. On the first day I

asked them if anyone can do animal noises. Apparently that's all they can do." Children

Joke Number. 2754

No matter how much flour I use, I can never raise a child. Children

Joke Number. 2755

"GUTTED! After being employed by the education board to help reduce the number of under

age pregnancies, I have just been fired. Apparently advising the kids at the primary school that

the best way is to “get there before the hair” is inappropriate!" Children

Joke Number. 2756

"What is the Difference between snot and spinach? You can't get your kids to eat spinach."

Children

Joke Number. 2757

"My job is to deliver speeches on health and safety. I get really nervous before-hand, so my

friend suggested picturing the audience in their underwear. It didn't work at all; I was still

nervous plus I got a raging hard-on. Then again, it was at my local primary school." Children

Joke Number. 2758

"Promises are like Children. Fun making them, regret keeping them." Children

Joke Number. 2759

"My kid came home and cried, “Dad! The kids at school told me I have a face only a parent

could love!” I replied, “That's nonsense, dear. I hate your face too.”" Children

Joke Number. 2760

I bought some new Nike trainers today, I'm thinking of returning them, they look like they were

made by a 7 year old! Children

Joke Number. 2761

"I was trying everything last night to get the baby to sleep. Finally after 5 bottles he went down.

He's going to have a right hangover when he gets up." Children

Joke Number. 2762

Was anybody else disappointed that the boy wasn't in the airship? Children

Joke Number. 2763

"I don't believe in smacking my Children...it achieves nothing. Several punches do though."

Children

Joke Number. 2764

It's all fun and games until the fat kid joins the pile on. Children

Joke Number. 2765

"I told my younger brother that if a person flaps his arms long enough and hard enough then that

person can actually fly. I just love seeing the sad expression on his face once he realizes he

cannot do it. You know, after having his arms amputated and all..." Children

Joke Number. 2766

"When your only child has Down's syndrome, Birthdays can be difficult. Last week our daughter

was five and I and the wife just couldn't decide what to give her. Eventually we settled on 'away,

for adoption.'" Children

Joke Number. 2767

"Having a father who was a Doctor and a mother who was a Nurse had its down side. When I

was six I had to leave home because they needed the bed." Children

Joke Number. 2768

Today, my six year old told me I have a big nose. When I told her that she hurt my feelings, she

laughed and said "Don't be silly mummy, ugly people don't have feelings Children

Joke Number. 2769

"I spent all day making a mug, but when I went to pick it up, half of it fell off! I didn't handle it

very well." Children

Joke Number. 2770

If an orphan goes into KFC are they allowed to buy a Family bucket? Children

Joke Number. 2771

"Bought that new Lynx Bullet today. Turns out that it doesn't have the same effect on kids :("

Children

Joke Number. 2772

Just had one of those landmark father son moments yup had to show him how to delete browser

history Children

Joke Number. 2773

After years of thinking it wasn't anything I should be concerned about, I have finally given in to

my conscience and decided to sponsor a needy child in the Third World. She is eleven years old,

white and lives in Bradford. Children

Joke Number. 2774

"The most fun time of my day is playing with my son at bath time. But now he's ten it's hard for

both of us to fit in." Children

Joke Number. 2775

"When asked “What would be your dream job once leaving school?” in a recent poll, 99% of 11-

16 year olds wrote: “My dream is too work in a sweat shop!” Say what you like about the kids of

today, they may be illiterate but they aren't scared of hard work!" Children

Joke Number. 2776

"How can you tell when the school kids are on holiday? Because this site is now on a 6 week

shut down!!!" Children

Joke Number. 2777

"I dropped my kids of at their babysitters yesterday before I went to work and she asked me,

“When do you want them back.” I replied, “When they're earning.”" Children

Joke Number. 2778

"I was texting a mate when from nowhere I got hit by a car, just when I realized what was

happening a fire engine flew past me and missed my head by inches. I gave my son a right slap,

how he dare throw toys out of his pram." Children

Joke Number. 2779

"My child was born with a genetic skin disorder. He's black." Children

Joke Number. 2780

"Be nice to your kids. You never know, you might need a kidney one day." Children

Joke Number. 2781

"When I was a kid I really wanted to be a fireman. Turns out I just enjoy breaking down doors

with an axe." Children

Joke Number. 2782

"Today has been a dark day for me, I have been told I cannot have any Children. Apparently, no

amount of begging at the orphanage door is going to make them change their minds..." Children

Joke Number. 2783

"What noise does a baby make in a microwave? I don't know, I was too busy masturbating."

Children

Joke Number. 2784

"I was walking down the road the other day when I saw my old school pal, Mike Kelly. I ran

over and jumped on him knocking him to the ground and gave him a wedgy like I use to do back

in the school days. Then I thought to myself, “shouldn't he have got older too”?" Children

Joke Number. 2785

"I've got two sons, 6 and 11. Funny names really but I like them." Children

Joke Number. 2786

"Turns out I have raised my 15 year old son really well, whenever I got to empty the bin in his

room, he runs to the bin and says “don't worry! I'll do it” What a lovely son." Children

Joke Number. 2787

"I was in my car late last night with my 7 year old son, and he pointed at the Cats Eyes in the

road and said, “Those diamonds look great daddy”, and I said, “What makes you think that they

are diamonds?” “Don't be silly daddy, everyone knows that this is a jewel carriageway.” he

replied." Children

Joke Number. 2788

"James Bulger Madeleine McCann Rhys Jones Liam Gill Harry Blackmore

Carlsberg don't do child tragedies.... Liverpool do...." Children

Joke Number. 2789

"Primark Children's range. Made by Children, for Children." Children

Joke Number. 2790

"Me and my mate had a bake-off today with our Children. He won, I left my son in the oven for

way too long." Children

Joke Number. 2791

"When I was young, I could not understand why anyone would want to become a priest because

you could not get married or have Children. Now I am married with Children, I can see the

priesthood has its attractions." Children

Joke Number. 2792

I just gave my newborn baby a bath. Drying him in a microwave didn't go down well with the

misus. Children

Joke Number. 2793

"What's the Difference between Scouse kids and Russian kids? Scouse kids get slaughtered

before they go to school." Children

Joke Number. 2794

"If there are Children in need they should send them to my place. I've got a large donation I need

to make." Children

Joke Number. 2795

"What goes: - Plink, Plink, Fizzzzzzz? Two babies dropped in a bath of acid!!" Children

Joke Number. 2796

"I love to go to the park and watch the kids jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing

blanks." Children

Joke Number. 2797

"I could tell my parents hated me. When they took me to the lake to go swimming, all the other

kids were skating." Children

Joke Number. 2798

I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, "Excuse me, would you like me to show

you how to discipline your child?" Children

Joke Number. 2799

"They say Children are our greatest treasure. Especially when buried." Children

Joke Number. 2800

If you can't beat 'em..... Why have kids? Children

Joke Number. 2801

Children in the dark cause accidents. Accidents in the dark cause Children Children

Joke Number. 2802

Broke Back Mountain is both my dad's favorite film. Children

Joke Number. 2803

Three Jelly tots and four down syndrome kids, let the game commence. Children

Joke Number. 2804

"My wife told me today that I'm going to be a father for the very first time. The sad news is, I've

already got two Children." Children

Joke Number. 2805

"My wife said, “I remember when I was a baby, my mum giving me a bath in the sink. Wouldn't

it make a great picture, me bathing our lovely little lad?” “Great idea,” I said, getting the camera.

I took a cracking photo of his happy, smiling face.... .....seconds before the waste disposal kicked

in." Children

Joke Number. 2806

"My six-year-old daughter is dependent on heroin. If I don't sell enough of it then she doesn't get

fed." Children

Joke Number. 2807

"Breaking news: Gospel music group, The Priests are supposedly taking longer than expected in

the studio finishing of an EP featuring covers of several MGMT songs. The problem seems to be

that they keep tampering with 'Kids'" Children

Joke Number. 2808

I was looking at my kids sleeping last night thinking, "Must get that gas leak fixed." Children

Joke Number. 2809

It's pretty tense when you take your new girlfriend to the cinema and she gets ID’s for Harry

Potter. Children

Joke Number. 2810

"I found out earlier that dead babies are being grounded up into a powdered tablet in China and

being sold abroad as 'stamina tablets', each one containing about 99.7% human. I had never been

so disgusted and outraged in all of my life, I’ve already taken 5 and I feel no different." Children

Joke Number. 2811

"An old man on a porch asks a boy dragging a chain down the street, “Why are you pulling that

chain?” The boy replies, “You ever try to push one?”" Children

Joke Number. 2812

"Those Children in Africa think they are poor? When I was a kid, I didn't have enough money to

buy a memory card for my PlayStation 1." Children

Joke Number. 2813

"A friend of mine was having trouble naming her twin boys, she asked for my opinion so I

advised her to go with what her gut was telling her. She went with Egg and Chips." Children

Joke Number. 2814

"Well I can safely say that 3 of my money is going to the poverty stricken kids in Africa

tonight... I bought a top in Primark." Children

Joke Number. 2815

“"SchoolChildren injured after bus crashes on way to Alton Towers” That's now my day out

sorted. At least the queue for Nemesis will be shorter." Children

Joke Number. 2816

"This little piggy went to the market this little piggy stayed home this little piggy had roast beef

this little piggy had none this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home and this little

piggy was the result of being bred in Norfolk" Children

Joke Number. 2817

"For some cheap entertainment after Christmas feed your sister's Tiny Tears doll some Ribena.

Then sit back and relax as the doll begins to resemble something out of the apocalypse."

Children

Joke Number. 2818

"What's funnier than dropping a baby out of a window? Dropping it off of the roof." Children

Joke Number. 2819

"My five-year old son went down a helter-skelter the other day, laughing as he went. “What a

twisted sense of humor” I thought." Children

Joke Number. 2820

"What's the Difference between a paedophile and a PE teacher? A hockey stick." Children

Joke Number. 2821

"My daughter confessed that she had recently been sneaking out of the house at night to meet up

with her friends. “It's just so easy to sneak out,” she said jokingly, “you need to at least make it a

challenge.” “Alright,” I said, playing along, “but only cause it's you.” Then I hack-sawed her legs

off." Children

Joke Number. 2822

"My wife told me that she would hate to see any harm come to our Children. I said, “That's why

I wait 'til you're at work.”" Children

Joke Number. 2823

I've got two wonderful Children - and two out of five ain't bad. Children

Joke Number. 2824

"What is the Difference between The Proclaimers and Maddie McCann? We haven't seen The

Proclaimers for a while but they're most likely still alive." Children

Joke Number. 2825

"Apparently, “Hi, I'm Randy and I'm an alcoholic” doesn't go down that well when you're

introducing yourself to other parents... ...when they drop off their kid for a sleepover." Children

Joke Number. 2826

"My daughter told me that there is a monster who lives in her wardrobe at night. I told her “Don't

be silly, that's just daddy watching you slee... Yes there is... A big one.”" Children

Joke Number. 2827

"I was called in to see my son's Headmaster today. I said, “What's he been up to?” “He tried to

burn down the main building.” He replied. I said, “You're lucky, he succeeded at his two

previous schools.”" Children

Joke Number. 2828

For a laugh on your child's 11th birthday; forge a HogwArts acceptance letter. Children

Joke Number. 2829

"I see that they still can't serve sandwiches at Dunblane School. Evidently it still upsets them

when their asked how many rounds they want!" Children

Joke Number. 2830

"Parents, struggling in the current climate and sick of your kids bugging you for things? Save 3 a

week by making your Phones ringtone the same as your local Ice cream vans melody." Children

Joke Number. 2831

"Children should be seen but not heard. Which is why I've bought a ball-gag." Children

Joke Number. 2832

"What’s pink and divisible by 4? **************************** Baby tied to four horses"

Children

Joke Number. 2833

"My wife just gave birth, which is great because I always said I wanted a child for 4 years or so.

My wife however, wants to keep it forever." Children

Joke Number. 2834

"I remember when I was 5 I had a special condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day. I

was so thankful my older brother told me in time." Children

Joke Number. 2835

"So David Cameron leaves his 8 year old daughter in a pub in Cadsden, Bucks. If that had

happened in Newcastle, the 8 year old would be thinking, “Cooool, a lock in!”" Children

Joke Number. 2836

"I was sitting in my room and heard a little boy outside sneeze. I said bless you, and five seconds

later, I heard a very hesitant....”God?.”" Children

Joke Number. 2837

"Trying to find my way around the new gym I accidentally walked into a room full of young

Children changing. I apologized for the confusion and left. After a few minutes..." Children

Joke Number. 2838

I bought a book of baby names today. Only read a few pages, but so far my favorites are ISBN

938-0325-57613 for a girl, and Copyright 2009 for a boy. Children

Joke Number. 2839

"I'm a lonely middle-aged man without a proper job. In my hours of spare time, I like to drive to

the local schools and chat to the kids. They always leave with a smile on their face; some even

wipe their mouths. I love my ice-cream van." Children

Joke Number. 2840

"I'm not really a violent person but the first time I ever hit anyone was in the school playground.

I was just hanging around, minding my own business when a boy ran into me. Without thinking I

just hit him in the face. The boy started crying and everyone was looking at me. So I just picked

up my kids and left." Children

Joke Number. 2841

My wife swerved to avoid a child last night................she fell out of bed. Children

Joke Number. 2842

"People always give me a funny look when I refer to my son as Thingamajig. But I had to give

him a name I could remember." Children

Joke Number. 2843

Ah Children, you can't beat them ... anymore Children

Joke Number. 2844

My son decided he wanted to leave home this morning and when my wife got in from work she

started blaming my drinking as usual. I said, “I know it was me that left the door open but he'll

be back. He's got nursery tomorrow and he likes that" Children

Joke Number. 2845

"It’s the heaviest snow for two decades today, and I couldn't be more grateful. Just another

excuse for the kids' absence from school" Children

Joke Number. 2846

"What do Children and Dreams have in common? If you follow them both for too long, people

become suspicious." Children

Joke Number. 2847

"My son drank a bottle of bleach earlier. On the plus side, at least now I will have a nice clean

toilet." Children

Joke Number. 2848

"What is the Difference between a lorry load of babies and a lorry load of sand? You can't

pitchfork a lorry load of sand" Children

Joke Number. 2849

I have puppies instead of Children. I'd rather ruin my carpet then my life. Children

Joke Number. 2850

"I love going to the local primary school and watching the kids running and screaming. That

chainsaw was the best Christmas present ever." Children

Joke Number. 2851

"Women should not have Children after 35. Really . . . 35 Children are enough." Children

Joke Number. 2852

"Note to self: When asked to watch someone's kids for the night, don’t reply “I do”." Children

Joke Number. 2853

"Child line are reporting a worrying increase in the amount of calls they're getting from abused

Children. It wasn't like this when I was a lad. We didn't have mobile phones." Children

Joke Number. 2854

"Mummy' the window cleaner is at the door. Are you going to pay him or shall I go out to play?"

Children

Joke Number. 2855

"I was teaching my son farmyard Animals the other day! What noise does a sheep make?

''Baaaaahh'' What noise does a cow make? “mooooo”” What noise does a pig make? ''I set fire, to

the rain'' Good Lad" Children

Joke Number. 2856

"I really need to do something about my pimple problems. I fell asleep at the library the other

day and woke up only to find a blind guy reading my face." Children

Joke Number. 2857

"I am the happiest father in the world! Even after my pregnant wife was attacked by a gang of

muggers, the doctors said that our little girl was still born." Children

Joke Number. 2858

"My girlfriend recently had a phantom pregnancy. We now have a little baby ghost." Children

Joke Number. 2859

"Christmas was ruined for the kids last year with Nan dying suddenly like that. We relied on her

for their bigger presents." Children

Joke Number. 2860

"What is it with women and their morals nowadays? “I'm not like that!” “You're too drunk!”

“Stop! I have a boyfriend!” “Dad, I'll tell Mum!”" Children

Joke Number. 2861

"I was out recruiting for the nursery school I work at today. A woman came up to me and said,

“Hi, can you put my daughter down please?” “What's her name?” I replied. “Never mind that,”

She said. “Just put her down and don't touch her again." Children

Joke Number. 2862

"My 20 year old son complained that I never let him grow up. He's a beaker half empty kind of

guy." Children

Joke Number. 2863

"I've got three Children, one of each. A boy, a girl and a hairdresser." Children

Joke Number. 2864

"I am just about to buy my girlfriend a valentines present online & to be honest I need a bit of

help. Am I right in thinking that a size 8 would fit a big 6 year old?" Children

Joke Number. 2865

"People get all up in arms about priests having relations with young boys, but give them a break.

Those guys almost never get to party." Children

Joke Number. 2866

"A little girl observes at the beach something between a little boy's legs and goes to her mother

asking:- Mammy, why don't I have that between my legs?- Patience darling, patience!" Children

Joke Number. 2867

"I had an unbelievable stroke of luck last night. But why would anyone name their kid 'luck'?"

Children

Joke Number. 2868

When our 10 year old grandson stays with us for the weekend we're not allowed to smoke in the

house. The wife makes us stand outside in the cold. And she wonders why he doesn't like her.

Children

Joke Number. 2869

"My son said “Dad, Can we play cowboys in the garden?” I said “Of course we can” “You

haven't seen Brokeback Mountain have you son?” I added, as I got out my rusty sheriff's badge."

Children

Joke Number. 2870

"I've learned the best way to sooth a crying baby is to not feed it, it’ll stop crying... Eventually"

Children

Joke Number. 2871

"I've just found out that my girlfriends son is not to dissimilar to a blue bottle fly. Once he flew

out of the window the annoying noise stopped." Children

Joke Number. 2872

"Has anyone seen those new speeding adverts? What I don't understand is what that guy takes

the dead kid everywhere with him?" Children

Joke Number. 2873

"The face of a child can say it all. Especially the mouth part." Children

Joke Number. 2874

"I've always been truthful with my son. I don't tell him these lies that other parents use all the

time. He has always known that Father Christmas isn't real, he knows that too much T.V. does

not make your eyes square and he knows he is the reason why me and his mother fell out of love

and got a divorce." Children

Joke Number. 2875

"My girlfriend has just text me: Fancie a bitt of annal tonite? Don't get me wrong it's a lovely

text, but I don't agree with an 8 year old having a mobile." Children

Joke Number. 2876

"Crock's The best way of showing your kids you hate them" Children

Joke Number. 2877

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want? Children

Joke Number. 2878

I always tell my kids, a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet. Largely in the hope that

other parents tell their kids the same thing. Children

Joke Number. 2879

"My young daughter was burning up today so I rang NHS Direct, “how hot is she?” they

inquired. “about 8/10...” didn't seem to go down that well." Children

Joke Number. 2880

A child is for life not just for a council house and benefits Children

Joke Number. 2881

"I saw an interview with a Chinese woman on Sky News the other day. She was talking about

how once she owned a dog as a pet, she couldn't eat dog anymore. I imagine I'll be the same

when I have Children." Children

Joke Number. 2882

Screw these cArtoons, I know a much more effective way to stop child abuse, hand out baseball

bats to Children. Children

Joke Number. 2883

A child is forever, not just a council house. Children

Joke Number. 2884

"My mate asked me to look after his three kids. I don't mind." Children

Joke Number. 2885

"I was holding my son above my head letting him pretend to be superman this morning. When he

got bored he asked me to put him down. Luckily I had a needle and some pentobarbital solution

handy." Children

Joke Number. 2886

"My father used to say “I love kids, but I couldn't eat a full one”. I knew I'd beat my father at

something one day" Children

Joke Number. 2887

My son has been watching Home Alone and getting loads of funny ideas... like spending

Christmas together as a Family. Children

Joke Number. 2888

The worst part about being a paedophile is trying to fit in. Children

Joke Number. 2889

"What's long, hard and hurts babies? My shovel." Children

Joke Number. 2890

"When I awoke in the middle of the night to the scratching on my wardrobe door, it brought back

my old fear of monsters lurking in the dark. Then I realized it was just the kids coming round.

Children

Joke Number. 2891

"Which brand of lager do orphans prefer? Fosters." Children

Joke Number. 2892

"So... My two year old daughter takes my nose and it’s all fun and stuff. But I take her virginity

and I get a prison sentence?" Children

Joke Number. 2893

"After we reached a decision on the abortion, every night I've been given chills up and down my

spine by the haunting screams of a crying baby. I lay there wishing we'd had it. But we made the

choice and we'll just have to cope with an unwanted child." Children

Joke Number. 2894

"I read my 4 year old son his first eBook today. It was a pop-up. He now knows he can meet hot,

young, single girls in his area. And he lived happily ever after." Children

Joke Number. 2895

"My girlfriend and I decided to admit we are trying for a baby. Our father was disgusted."

Children

Joke Number. 2896

"Doctor- I’m afraid were going to have to pull the plug on your son. Mother- I thought you said

he was perfectly healthy? Doctor- Oh I did, but his bath is overflowing." Children

Joke Number. 2897

"My dad didn't care about me as a child. Then he turned 18 and became slightly more

responsible." Children

Joke Number. 2898

"Because of the heat this summer, I've got a lot of bites on my legs... Maybe I should stop

pushing the kids out of the line for the ice cream van." Children

Joke Number. 2899

"I love going to the local water park. I can happily watch young girls getting wet without forcing

them into my van." Children

Joke Number. 2900

"Youth Olympics. Giving paedophiles a social meeting place since 2010." Children

Joke Number. 2901

Thankfully the only time my wife will ever beat me is when we're fighting for the custody of our

Children. Children

Joke Number. 2902

Here at the sweatshop every day is bring your Children to work day! Children

Joke Number. 2903

"My baby boy has been on solids for three and a half weeks this must be the slowest game of

pool I've ever played." Children

Joke Number. 2904

When push comes to shove, you're probably delivering the baby wrong. Children

Joke Number. 2905

Things haven't changed that much in the past twenty years. We used to play cowboys and

Indians, and today I saw my son and his mate playing builders and call-center operators.

Children

Joke Number. 2906

Today, a little kid that looked to be about five came up to me. He asked me, “Wanna see me run

to China and back?" I said yes, thinking he was going to stand in the same spot and say, “Wanna

see me do it again?". Instead, he ran down the street and disappeared from sight. I haven't seen

him since. Children

Joke Number. 2907

"Kids, don’t waste time looking before you cross the road - that ice cream van won't wait

forever." Children

Joke Number. 2908

"I said to my son, “Either you tell your mother what you've done, or I will. Choice is yours, me

or you?” He shouted, “MUM, DAD DID IT.”" Children

Joke Number. 2909

"There are so many fat kids about today and people are complaining! The way I see it there are 3

advantages to it 1: They are more tempted by sweets to come to your car 2: They can’t run away

to fast from you and 3: more cushion for the pushing" Children

Joke Number. 2910

"Just found out that the average cost of bringing up a child is 186,000.

Now where did i put that spade. . ." Children

Joke Number. 2911

"My son was having a bit of a tantrum this morning and I’m ashamed to say I over-reacted a bit.

I put him up for adoption." Children

Joke Number. 2912

"Went down to the running track this morning, and ended up pulling my groin. I couldn't help it.

Seeing all those little athletics kids in spandex pushed me over the edge . . . ." Children

Joke Number. 2913

Kids these days... Getting older by the minute Children

Joke Number. 2914

Why is the speed limit so low around primary schools? So you can pick out the one you want...?

Children

Joke Number. 2915

"My kids got to see Puss in Boots tonight. I have terribly infected feet you see." Children

Joke Number. 2916

"My mate asked me earlier if I had any regrets in life. “Probably just about Children to be

honest” I said. “But don't you have 5 kids?” he asked. “Precisely” I sighed." Children

Joke Number. 2917

'Scouting For Girls', surely they mean Girl Guides Children

Joke Number. 2918

"After thirty years of wondering why he didn't look like his sister and Brother Mark asked his

mother if he had been adopted.' Yes, ' she replied tearfully, ' but it didn't work out so they sent

you back. '" Children

Joke Number. 2919

My 4 year old lost her first tooth today. That'll be the last time she answers ME back! Children

Joke Number. 2920

"I had a beautiful baby girl this morning. Her mother will kill me if I can't find it before she gets

home" Children

Joke Number. 2921

"More people should be made aware of child abuse! They don't know what they're missing!"

Children

Joke Number. 2922

"I said to my son, “You skipped school today to play football.” He said, “No I never, and I’ve

got the fish to prove it.”" Children

Joke Number. 2923

"I've decided to write a Mr. Men book in honour of my unwanted daughter. Little Miss Take"

Children

Joke Number. 2924

"It's fun to watch 3 month old babies taste new things for the 1st time, like ice cream..., or 9-volt

batteries." Children

Joke Number. 2925

"The other day, my son was talking back to my wife. She asked him to do something and he said,

“No! I don't want to.” So I pulled him aside and said, “Son, you have got to teach me how to do

that.”" Children

Joke Number. 2926

"Can't decide whether to have Children or get a dog. It's a choice between wrecked furniture, and

my future." Children

Joke Number. 2927

"A watched pot never boils. However an unwatched child never grows up." Children

Joke Number. 2928

"The kids round my estate are so tough these days. I nearly broke my tooth on one today, fair to

say I just need to add more gravy." Children

Joke Number. 2929

“"He just ran into my car, it wasn't my fault!” “Sir, you parked your car in a school

playground.”" Children

Joke Number. 2930

"So you try and help out by sorting the kids a uniform during the summer holidays! But end up

with a caution for asking staff at Ann Summers if they had a nurse, and French maid uniform for

my 8, and 10 year old daughters." Children

Joke Number. 2931

"I was driving my nerdy kid to school the other day, when he turned to me and said “Dad, how

do I become cool, like you?” I said “Son, there's 2 simple rules: 1 Always act cool, and 2 never

be seen with losers. Now, get out.” He said “But Dad, schools a half mile away!” “Rule 2 son,

rule 2.”" Children

Joke Number. 2932

"Woman phones an ambulance woman “you gotta help me, my waters just broke!” emergency

services “calm down. tell me, where you are ringing from?” woman “the waist down!”" Children

Joke Number. 2933

"I walked into a room in the hospital to find a man and woman sobbing. I said, “I'd like to offer

my condolences.” They said, “No you don't understand, we've just had a baby.” I said, “I know, I

can see it, its minging”" Children

Joke Number. 2934

Ironically, actually having a child is the best form of contraception. Children

Joke Number. 2935

"My plan for the snow: 1. Wait for my 8 year old neighbor to build a snowman 2. Wait for that to

melt 3. Put a suicide note where it melted" Children

Joke Number. 2936

"My 13.00 Shoe Zone shoes for work seem to be failing on me dramatically already. I'll be lucky

to get through the working day on them. The 6 year old who made them obviously hasn't had

sufficient training or was slacking on that particular day. I will be following this up with

customer services so that others like myself will not have to suffer in the future." Children

Joke Number. 2937

"I don’t know why so many people hate it but I really love Twilight. That’s when I do all my

raping." Children

Joke Number. 2938

"My 12 year old daughter says she is old enough to stand on her own two feet. So maybe for

Christmas - I'll sew them back on" Children

Joke Number. 2939

"Kids really haven't got a clue these days. Thanks to my new balaclava." Children

Joke Number. 2940

So remember kids, when the looting begins, always consider the weight/value ratio. Children

Joke Number. 2941

"Well I guess it's almost that time again, Easter. When I can call my son an egghead and he

smiles and considers it a great holiday joke, rather than presuming I'm having another go at him

because of his chemotherapy." Children

Joke Number. 2942

"My wife told me she wanted something 20 inches long, crusty, and full of sperm... So i handed

her our daughter" Children

Joke Number. 2943

"I was looking through my girlfriend’s old school reports. Last year she started drawing inside

the lines." Children

Joke Number. 2944

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts

them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes

the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says.

"I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because

I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His

son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag." Children

Joke Number. 2945

"I sat as my wife was dying over her bed. “Dave,” she croaked. “Promise me...Promise you'll

make sure our Children are well looked after.” “Don't worry babe,” I replied. “I've already got a

lovely couple lined up; they'll be great foster parents.”" Children

Joke Number. 2946

"A young boy came home from school and told his mother, “I had a big fight with Sidney. He

called me a sissy.” “What did you do?” the mother asked. “I hit him with my purse!”" Children

Joke Number. 2947

"The kids love coming to my house to play with the toys... A Rampant Rabbit feels loads better

than an Action Man." Children

Joke Number. 2948

"According to the new Cow and Gate advert, 'some babies don't get enough iron'. In all fairness,

it is a bit dark down in the mines." Children

Joke Number. 2949

"'Woman hides 3 baby bodies in wardrobe for 20years' Police are looking to question Mr.

Tumnus, Aslan and the White Witch" Children

Joke Number. 2950

I saw a sign outside a school the other day that read: ''Parking here could cost a child's life''.

Surely a few points on your license, or a fine would be a lot easier, right? Children

Joke Number. 2951

In the eyes of the lord I’m sure these trigonometry jokes are a sin. Children

Joke Number. 2952

"People often talk about the child within them, and I can totally relate to that, I always eat

babies" Children

Joke Number. 2953

"My wife and I agreed that we had to set aside our mistakes for the sake of our marriage. We're

putting them up for adoption tomorrow." Children

Joke Number. 2954

It's kind of ironic that they caution pregnant women not to drink alcohol in case it harms the

baby. If it wasn't for alcohol most women wouldn't be that way. Children

Joke Number. 2955

I am getting pretty nervous lately. My little 2 year old nephew is starting to learn how to talk.

Children

Joke Number. 2956

"My little cousin still goes to the pre-school when the teacher asked her “You have 5 apples, you

give half to John, and how many have you got left?” She confidently replied “Four and a half”"

Children

Joke Number. 2957

The chicken crossed the road, knowing this day would be remembered for many years to come

Children

Joke Number. 2958

"Well, if I had to describe one fault of mine, it is that I have a habit of taking my work home

with me. I'm starting to think that it is probably the reason why I lost my last job at the crèche."

Children

Joke Number. 2959

Our school was hard. The playground chase-games were called Electronic Tag. Children

Joke Number. 2960

"Some kids were having a water fight on the street earlier, so I rushed out with the element of

surprised and squirted all of their faces. Then I got my Water-Gun out." Children

Joke Number. 2961

"Little Johnny: “Where's my Fork and Knife?”. Mum : “Beside your Fork and Plate, and stop

swearing”" Children

Joke Number. 2962

"when someone drops their phone, i react as if they dropped a newborn baby. I laugh and I stamp

on it" Children

Joke Number. 2963

"It was my 3 year old son's birthday last week, and he really wanted a Buzz Lightyear toy. I

searched high and low for it, from shop to shop. Finally, after hours of looking, I found it, but it

was fifty quid. I thought that was a bit expensive, but I bought it anyway. He opened his present

on his birthday, and was so excited that he dropped Buzz on the floor and his head fell off. I

couldn't believe it! At least the toy was still in one piece." Children

Joke Number. 2964

You could tell I was going to fail as a parent from the moment I fired up the chain saw to cut my

son’s umbilical cord... Children

Joke Number. 2965

"My young son loves nothing more than sitting for hours cutting things up. I think he's going to

be a bus driver when he grows up." Children

Joke Number. 2966

I love it when it starts getting dark when the kids are finishing school. Children

Joke Number. 2967

If your child is afraid of the dark you can ease their fears by telling them monsters see better with

the lights on. Children

Joke Number. 2968

"After my wife said I was tightfisted, I've finally agreed to let my kids get their faces painted. It

gives me the chance to get rid of those old tins of gloss in the shed." Children

Joke Number. 2969

My kids are like marmite. For sale. Children

Joke Number. 2970

......."And I would've got away with it too, if it wasn't for meddling with kids!" Children

Joke Number. 2971

“"Daddy. I'm too big for these trousers. Look how far my legs stick out” “They're called shorts,

son”" Children

Joke Number. 2972

"I walked in on my son naked the other day. He said, “Dad, put some clothes on!”." Children

Joke Number. 2973

"I always hear that Children are dressing inappropriately these days but my neighbor’s kid is still

dressing perfectly, with the curtains open." Children

Joke Number. 2974

"During my first day of working at a nursery school, a member of staff asked me what I did to

entertain the kids; my reply was “finger puppets”. You should have seen their faces after I

repeatedly shoved my pinky in and out of Edd the Duck." Children

Joke Number. 2975

"Schools have changed since my day. From blackboard to whiteboard. From quill to biro. From

cane to dumbell." Children

Joke Number. 2976

My jokes are like golden showers. Probably inappropriate for Children, but fun to share with

them, all the same. Children

Joke Number. 2977

"My 15 year old son is a mute, he can’t read or write and has very little hearing capabilities. . .

So I bought him a mobile phone to cheer him up." Children

Joke Number. 2978

My neighbor’s daughter is an annoying little squirt, my bed sheets are soaked. Children

Joke Number. 2979

"Why is Santa so jolly? Because you're adopted." Children

Joke Number. 2980

What do down- syndrome babies and jelly babies have in common?? They all look the same and

come in different colors. Children

Joke Number. 2981

You know your ginger when even your imaginary friend’s don’t want to play with you. Children

Joke Number. 2982

"I've just got back from a boy scouts' and girl guides' jamboree. The excitement was intense.

Children

Joke Number. 2983

I'm pretty ashamed about sleeping with the examiner to get a good mark...but I really wanted top

marks in my KS1 SATS. Children

Joke Number. 2984

"I had to give my son a few strokes with my belt today for using the 'C' word in public. I don't

care if 'Chelsea' is the name of a bun as well." Children

Joke Number. 2985

"My wife just shouted at me for smoking inside. As if having to deliver my unborn child in the

back of a taxi wasn't stressful enough." Children

Joke Number. 2986

"I gave my son a quid for eating a hot chili. This is good parenting because he needs to learn to

stop doing stupid things for just 1." Children

Joke Number. 2987

"A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside. Sadly this is a fact and

not a legal loophole." Children

Joke Number. 2988

"They say the laughter of Children is priceless. To me it's their screaming." Children

Joke Number. 2989

"Western consumerism is out of control. The kids don't even accept Haribo anymore. They

demand Ferrero Rocher." Children

Joke Number. 2990

"- Who do you want to be when you grow up? - Pizza delivery man... plumber... gardener... -

DARLING, HE JUST FOUND THE DVD!" Children

Joke Number. 2991

"The proud father handed the baby to the priest for the christening. “And what name have you

given this little boy?” asked the priest. “It's a girl,” said the father out of the side of his mouth.

“You've got hold of my thumb!”." Children

Joke Number. 2992

"Haiti Cemetery... Remind you of a school game? BUNDLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Children

Joke Number. 2993

"Paedophiles are unfairly persecuted. How else are kids meant to get off?" Children

Joke Number. 2994

"I and the Wife have called our new baby boy 'Large'. We pulled his name out of a Hat."

Children

Joke Number. 2995

"I just bought myself a Mr. Whippy van. Now I can do mobile S&M." Children

Joke Number. 2996

You know its cold outside when the dead babies in your shed turn into microwave meals.

Children

Joke Number. 2997

My wife asked me to feed our 8 month old daughter. Hope she likes chips and beer. Children

Joke Number. 2998

"I added my daughter on Facebook yesterday, now people will just laugh when she says “my

daddy is poking me”" Children

Joke Number. 2999

"I got into a philosophical discussion today. I argued, “We have no proof whatsoever of a God or

a heaven. I strongly believe that when you die, you are buried in the ground and eaten by the

worms. Any concept of a soul is scientifically impossible, and all thoughts and emotions are

purely chemical illusions of the human brain. Life, really is just a series of meaningless events...”

It was at this point that my seven-year-old daughter began to cry." Children

Joke Number. 3000

"Dear Children When you look under your bed, what exactly is it you are planning to do when

you find me. Sincerely the Bogeyman" Children

Joke Number. 3001

"I resent being forced into complimenting my friend's Children for doing things that are simply

part of being human and take no special skill. Can you believe how big Bobby is now? Oh wow,

Bobby is so good at growing. You got a real grower there." Children

Joke Number. 3002

"It was an introductory evening for parents and Children at my son's new school yesterday. What

with all the people milling about who didn't know their way round, the head thoughtfully got

some of the prefects to marshal us. It was brilliant. I got to follow 15-year-old girls all evening

and no-one shouted at me once." Children

Joke Number. 3003

"Went into an abortion clinic the other day. They boasted “Service with a smile!” God I love

Henry Hoovers!" Children

Joke Number. 3004

The other day, my neighbor’s son lost all his fingers in a tragic accident, I felt so sorry for him I

went out and bought him an IPod touch. Children

Joke Number. 3005

"What's that Timmy? All of your friends have changed their Facebook pictures to cArtoons?

Well, that's okay then, no beatings tonight." Children

Joke Number. 3006

"After being told I can't discipline my kids, Social Services have now gone one step further, and

decided to take full custody of them. Apparently, after already having had a previous warning,

gluing them together in my garden shed, is just a step too far this time. I'm just so confused.

What happened to if you can't beat them, join them?" Children

Joke Number. 3007

"Little Susie is on her grandparents' farm for the first time. One evening, she sees her grandma

plucking a chicken. “Grandma,” she asks, “do you undress the chickens every night?”" Children

Joke Number. 3008

"I took the kids to one of those play centers yesterday, but never again as it ended in tears. I got

stuck in the twisty tunnel slide and had a panic attack." Children

Joke Number. 3009

Tip - Ruin your friend's kid's summer by telling them mosquitos carry aids. Children

Joke Number. 3010

"What’s the Difference between a scouser father and his son about 12 years" Children

Joke Number. 3011

"The hardest thing about being the manager of an under seven's football team is having to rotate

the squad. After the game, they all want to be pushed on the roundabout for hours." Children

Joke Number. 3012

"I love Halloween, kids come to your house and ASK for sweets! Saves money on petrol for my

van." Children

Joke Number. 3013

"So, childhood obesity is on the rise. It not all doom and gloom, paedophilia levels must have

decreased." Children

Joke Number. 3014

Women shouldn't have Children after forty. Because, really, forty Children should be enough

Children

Joke Number. 3015

My girlfriend won't let me have kids, she just keeps saying stuff like "put those down, they're not

yours" Children

Joke Number. 3016

"There is no denying that society is getting increasingly violent, but too many parents are

wrapping their Children in cotton wool. I still prefer wrapping them in Clingfilm because you

can cut little access holes with a penknife." Children

Joke Number. 3017

"I came in from work earlier to see my son crying on the stairs in hysterics. “What's wrong

mate?” I asked him. “Daddy, I'm having trouble with the girls at school!” he cried. I thought it

was time...I gave him the inevitable talk about 'the birds and the bees' and he sat there and

listened. When I was done he paused...”That's fine daddy but it's not that. They won’t let me play

with their Barbie’s at lunch time and said my legs are too hairy to wear a skirt.” He lives with his

uncle now." Children

Joke Number. 3018

"My son said, “Look Daddy, I didn't wet the bed! That's the 5th time in a row!” I said, “Well

done son, I'm proud of you. If you can manage just 9 more dry nights then I'll take your mattress

out of the shed and put it back in your bedroom”" Children

Joke Number. 3019

"What do Madeline McCann and the wine in my wine cellar have in common? They're both in

my wine cellar" Children

Joke Number. 3020

"My daughter's nappy rash appears to have formed the pattern of a 9x9 grid. Think I need to get

her some Sudokucrem." Children

Joke Number. 3021

I like to drive around in my car blaring songs from an ice cream van just to see those happy little

faces fade when they realize there is no ice cream Children

Joke Number. 3022

"I read today that a young school girl made 100 an hour busking on the streets of London. That's

almost as much as a parking meter would make!" Children

Joke Number. 3023

"My wife said, “I don't like your offensive jokes. They're not funny, they're disgusting and

meaningless.” I said, “So are the kids. But you put up with them.”" Children

Joke Number. 3024

"I like my girls like I like my font size. 12" Children

Joke Number. 3025

"Don't you love a child's laughter? Much better than them screaming 'Stranger'." Children

Joke Number. 3026

On reflection Hamster Merry-Go-Round and other microwave games. Probably wasn't the best

book to give to a nine year old. Children

Joke Number. 3027

Top Tip for School Bullies: Pick on a Kid who lives at an Orphanage. What's the worst he can

say? ''I'm gonna get my Nun on you!'' Children

Joke Number. 3028

"I'm considering becoming a professional clown. I have all the right skills. I suffer from

depression and I like scaring Children." Children

Joke Number. 3029

"I've always thought that parenting was in many ways similar to raising a dog. Which is why I’ve

just left my toddler tied up outside Tesco while i do some shopping" Children

Joke Number. 3030

"Son: “Mum, when I was born what did you wish I'd be?” Mother: “Your father's”..." Children

Joke Number. 3031

"My wife thinks I'm too hard on the kids when it comes to punishment. If she has a problem with

it, she should take it up with the discipline shark." Children

Joke Number. 3032

"I got a letter from my sons school saying he was illiterate I went mental! We got married 3

weeks before he was born" Children

Joke Number. 3033

I am so proud my son has been named head boy, which is a bit strange because he is in year 5

Children

Joke Number. 3034

My little sister got homework to draw things that don't taste very nice. I thought I was busted for

a second but it turns out, she was just drawing a banana. Children

Joke Number. 3035

How many chickens crossed the road? Children

Joke Number. 3036

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours... If it doesn't, it was never

meant to be. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, takes

your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you've set it free..... You either married it or gave

birth to it." Children

Joke Number. 3037

"I saved a fortune on a magician for my daughter’s birthday party. I told her he was wearing an

invisibility cloak." Children

Joke Number. 3038

"I see Miss Beckham is already on a diet trying to lose that baby weight. “She will never fit into

her new born designer clothes at a chunky 7lb 10” said Posh." Children

Joke Number. 3039

"My wife and I recently decided to make a will. Our daughter Emma needs a brother to play with

and we thought will was a nice name." Children

Joke Number. 3040

"I was in Ads today and saw a mother struggle to smack her out of control child. So I politely

asked her if she wants me to hold her basket, so she could use both hands." Children

Joke Number. 3041

"A new study suggests that people with Children are happier than people without Children.

Clearly, the study wasn't conducted at an airport." Children

Joke Number. 3042 "When I was a kid, if I was ever naughty my mother would yell, “Just you wait until your

father gets back!” She knew it would upset me, because I knew and she knew he was never

coming back." Children

Joke Number. 3043

"Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby? Because you get a womb with a view." Children

Joke Number. 3044

"- Mam you're a liar! - What do you mean? - You said my little brother's an angel. - Yes. Well he

is. - I just pushed him out the window, and he didn't fly..." Children

Joke Number. 3045

"I don't know why parents say to their Children, “Only speak when you're spoken to.” It's not

exactly teaching them good manners, telling them to talk over the top of someone." Children

Joke Number. 3046

"I asked my mum a question today, 'Mum...' I said, ' Am I half Spanish?' 'Why do you ask?'

'Because when I asked Nan who my dad was, she said he was a “Juan Nightstand!” '" Children

Joke Number. 3047

"The kids are off school this week, Not sure what I'm gonna do with myself at half 3." Children

Joke Number. 3048

"My daughter told me about how she was learning about an Artist who hated one of his paintings

so much, he covered it in paint so he could start again from scratch. But in doing this, the effect

of all the different colors was one of the most beautiful things he'd ever seen, so he kept it how it

was. I said to her “That's how I feel about you darling.” “I'm the most beautiful thing you've ever

seen?” she replied. “Yes” I said. “But more importantly... You were an accident.”" Children

Joke Number. 3049

"I just found out that my newborn son has special needs. Like feeding, changing, clothing,

washing...." Children

Joke Number. 3050

"So Mrs. Beckham have given birth to a daughter weighing in at 7lbs 10oz I never realized a

woman could give birth to a baby heavier than herself!!!" Children

Joke Number. 3051

Coco Pops and Milk are a bowl full of fun.... Until you get diabetes. Children

Joke Number. 3052

"It's impossible to cook Children food. I can never fit them in the oven." Children

Joke Number. 3053

"My son has just turned two and so I have just started toilet training. As soon as I can do it all by

myself I'll show him." Children

Joke Number. 3054

"Son: Mom, when me and daddy were on the bus this morning he made me give up my seat for

some lady Mum: Well then you have done the right thing Son: But mum, I was sitting on

daddy’s lap..." Children

Joke Number. 3055

"The wife and I had an argument over kids again. I've wanted to have one for 5 years. She wants

to keep one forever." Children

Joke Number. 3056

We're really hoping the baby will start walking today. If not, we'll have to drive all the way back

to Tesco’s to get it. Children

Joke Number. 3057

"I was at the pub with my mates the other day. After a few too many drinks I accidentally blurted

out 'I beat my kids!' 'At FIFA?' one of my mates asked. Errrm, yes, ok. That's exactly what I

meant" Children

Joke Number. 3058

"What’s the Difference between a baby and a watermelon? Ones fun to squash with a hammer

and the other is a fruit." Children

Joke Number. 3059

Really? I'm the only one who thought baby Jack on Coronation Street looked like a recruit for

the KKK tonight? Children

Joke Number. 3060

After a day of playing in the snow with the kids, it was nice to get back in the house and snuggle

up in bed with them and enjoy the comfort of the warm, cozy bed after our long day in the cold.

Can't wait till I have my own. Children

Joke Number. 3061

I was playing with my son earlier............when I thought 'I wonder if this is going to cause him

any emotional insecurities later on in life' Children

Joke Number. 3062

Continues to be amazed at how quickly the human population is growing. As I see the count rise

above 7 billion people, I can't help but feel the challenge to find Wally is becoming all the more

difficult. Children

Joke Number. 3063

"I hate it when I see parents forcing their kids to have the same hobbies and interests as them

from an early age. I'm going to let my son Obi Wan make his mind up once he's old enough to

decide for himself." Children

Joke Number. 3064

"What is red and dangerous to small Children? Me in my red coat." Children

Joke Number. 3065

"even though I have grown up, I’m still into the same type of girls I was back when I was in

primary school, blonde, blue eyes, slim, five..." Children

Joke Number. 3066

My pregnant wife asked me how I’d feel about a little girl, turning my hand upside down and

twiddling my fingers saying "like that" wasn’t the answer she was looking for Children

Joke Number. 3067

"Toyota Auris Hybrid, it delivers smooth performance as well as ultra-quiet electric driving. So

the Children can’t hear you coming" Children

Joke Number. 3068

I was struggling to think up a sob story to help my son get further on X Factor. Then I realized

entering him was enough Children

Joke Number. 3069

With the growing rates of fossil fuels in our Economy, it will be the naughty kids who have the

last laugh in a few years’ time. Children

Joke Number. 3070

Just become a father for the first time, if my baby is crying does it mean I am doing something

wrong or am I just rubbish in bed? Children

Joke Number. 3071

"What's the Difference between Brussels sprouts and snot? You'll never surprise your kids eating

their Brussels sprouts." Children

Joke Number. 3072

"Children are like rules, made to be broken." Children

Joke Number. 3073

"My 3 year old daughter is like a slinky, of no real use but fun to watch falling downstairs."

Children

Joke Number. 3074

"I came home from work today and my mother-in-law was there playing cards with my young

son. I said to him, “You having a good time son?” He replied, “Yeah Dad, but you were wrong.

I've counted them all and Gran is playing with a full deck of cards.”" Children

Joke Number. 3075

"I've just bought a car with child locks. Now I have to wait for my son to open the door every

time I want to go somewhere." Children

Joke Number. 3076

"I've just seen an app on the app store called cooking with Children! Sounds awesome but where

do I get the kids from?" Children

Joke Number. 3077

"Last night I told to my mate that like to I kidnap Children and hold them hostage. He was

horrified, “How do you sleep at night?” I replied, “On a pile of ransom money, thanks.”"

Children

Joke Number. 3078

Kids may be expensive but i suppose you never know when you gonna need a kidney. Children

Joke Number. 3079

"Due to a lack of funding, the ISPCC can only respond to half the problems faced by Children...

So basically, i have a 50-50 chance of getting away with it?" Children

Joke Number. 3080

"I and my wife are having trouble choosing a name for our newborn son. She wants to name him

after his proud father, but I'd much rather name him after me." Children

Joke Number. 3081

"Two babies are in a pram together. “Are you a little girl or a little boy?” the boy asked. “I don't

know” the other baby replied. “Let me check” the boy giggled. So the boy went under the covers

and came back up after several minutes. “You’re a girl!” the baby proclaimed “You’re so clever,

how did you figure it out?” “It’s quite easy”, the boy explained, “You have pink socks!”"

Children

Joke Number. 3082

Just got back from the hospital after having identical twins. How am I supposed to pick a favorite

now? Children

Joke Number. 3083

Child labour is only temporary, but a diamond is forever. DeBeers. Children

Joke Number. 3084

"As a film fanatic, I see movies in much the same way as I see my Children. In the cinema, every

other weekend." Children

Joke Number. 3085

"I saw a headline today that said “Teenage Binge Drinkers are drinking themselves infertile.”

GOOD. We didn't want them in the gene pool anyway." Children

Joke Number. 3086

"New dad Elton John 'expects prejudice' ...Celebrity baby names are just getting ridiculous now"

Children

Joke Number. 3087

"Children of the 80’s, do you miss the sound of a playing card slapping your bike spokes? Well

now you can recreate that sound by filling the roundabout at your local park with kids , pushing

them so fast they tip their head back, then stop running and put your hand out slapping each kid

in the face !" Children

Joke Number. 3088

So... anyone else notice how Prince Charming said Cinderella was the love of his life yet he had

to check every woman in the kingdoms shoe size to clarify who she was..... Children

Joke Number. 3089

"I told my colleague at work earlier that I was concerned about my son after I caught him

playing with Barbie’s. “Is it really such a big problem? I'm sure he'll grow out of it” he said. “I

doubt it” I replied, “He's 36.”" Children

Joke Number. 3090

"What do you call a girl with pubic hair? Too old." Children

Joke Number. 3091

"Just saw a headline: Beat the child benefit cuts and i wondered to myself, what has the benefit

cuts got to do with anything?" Children

Joke Number. 3092

I'm expecting a baby, if it doesn't get here within half an hour I eat for free. Children

Joke Number. 3093

Wife told me I was too hard when controlling the kids. How did she notice? Children

Joke Number. 3094

"TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer

interested? HAROLD: A teacher." Children

Joke Number. 3095

"There were problems when my baby son was delivered, we were out so they took him round the

neighbors, we had to wait all day to collect him." Children

Joke Number. 3096

I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase, you know, something like 'Ladies and Gentlemen'.

That'll be a cool name for a kid. "This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen"... Then when he gets

out of hand I get to go "Ladies and Gentlemen, please!" Children

Joke Number. 3097

"I was shocked when I received the phone call...During 'Show and Tell' at school my daughter

had revealed bruises all up her arms. Thought I'd made it very clear daddy would hurt mummy if

she ever told anyone." Children

Joke Number. 3098

When I was younger my mom always used to tell me that rain drops were the tears of god, you

could imagine the look on her face when I asked her what snow was. Children

Joke Number. 3099

"My kids love the adventure playground. It keeps them amused for hours. One day I might even

let them have a go, instead of making them watch from their bedroom window." Children

Joke Number. 3100

My son was born with two extra limbs on his body and needed an operation to separate them. It

cost an arm and a leg. Children

Joke Number. 3101

"My wife was holding our baby son in his blanket when he suddenly got sick all over it.’Ugh

disgusting,' I said 'we'll have to get a new one now.' 'Where will we get it?' she replied

'Hmmm...Down in the orphanage I suppose?'" Children

Joke Number. 3102

"If only I had been born a Lego brick. I could have made something of my life." Children

Joke Number. 3103

My wife asked me watch our 6 month old baby in the bath.... I did. .... He drowned Children

Joke Number. 3104

MOTHERS. Don't use poisonous shampoos on your Children's hair to get rid of headline. Scare

them away using a dinner plate and an angle poise lamp to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day'

shadow over your child's head. Children

Joke Number. 3105

I have been leaving notes on people doorsteps late at night, "i hope your kids like dry cereal

because I’ve just knocked your milk" Children

Joke Number. 3106

"My friend once said to me “You can't choose your parents.” In response I just said “Well, they

chose you, seeing as you're adopted.” Oh how we laughed." Children

Joke Number. 3107

"My parents hated me when I was a child. So much so, they got other kids to be in our home

movies." Children

Joke Number. 3108

"Remember the story of Hansel and Gretel? Well that was my version of events anyway"

Children

Joke Number. 3109

"I met a mother and her son in the park today, we got chatting and I said “do you like

impressions?” “Of course who doesn't?” she replied, so I kicked her in the face and ran away

with her son! I left a lasting impression I think..." Children

Joke Number. 3110

"I've always known that my parents always wanted the best for me. The carrier bag i was

abandoned in as a baby was from Waitrose." Children

Joke Number. 3111

"I just saw a 12 year old boy walk into a pub with a rolled up newspaper. As he didn't have his

parent with him, I presume that was his Guardian." Children

Joke Number. 3112

"I had my daughter crying her eyes out today. She caught me hitting her Go-Go hamster with a

hammer. But the tears soon turned to laughter...When she realized it was a real hamster and not

her favorite toy." Children

Joke Number. 3113

"My kids are like my jokes. Every time I have a new one, it gets removed." Children

Joke Number. 3114

Dodgems: The only time I can legally ram young Children. Children

Joke Number. 3115

"Some teenagers standing outside the office asked me to buy them some booze this evening.

They weren't impressed when I took their twenty quid and bought them a bag of wine gums."

Children

Joke Number. 3116

"I made a glue cake for the Children's party today just so I could say the immortal words." "OK

kids, get stuck in”" Children

Joke Number. 3117

"Two of the worlds most searched for people were found in their own homes. Has anyone

checked the McCann household" Children

Joke Number. 3118

"Whenever I see those weekend dads, pushing some screaming brat about in McDonalds, face

like thunder, I really wonder how many times they think to themselves... Was all this really

worth 5 or 6 seconds of pleasure?" Children

Joke Number. 3119

"Paddy's wife just gave birth to twins “Congratulations, do twins run in the Family?” Paddy

replies “Course they funckin' can't they can't even walk yet”" Children

Joke Number. 3120

"Separating Children by academic ability is cruel.... It always ends in tiers." Children

Joke Number. 3121

"My Children had an accident and hurt themselves, whilst playing on my bed this morning.

Which is weird because I had an accident in a bed once but it caused kids." Children

Joke Number. 3122

"Through this sorry sordid affair, let us not forget that John Terry has Children and it's them that

I feel sorry for. Imagine growing up knowing you've inherit his looks." Children

Joke Number. 3123

"BBC NEWS “All baby deaths must be probed” Can like anyone probe the dead babies? If so, I

call dibs!" Children

Joke Number. 3124

Auditions for the lead role in peter pan have started today, I think lad brooks odds of 1,000,000/1

for Gary Glitter might be worth a go Children

Joke Number. 3125

Children in America are so bad at Geography that they only know where a Country is in the

World when they get attacked by them. Children

Joke Number. 3126

"The Beckham's new daughter Harper Seven is said to look very similar to her mother. And at 7

lbs. 100 z, I wouldn't argue with that..." Children

Joke Number. 3127

"Girls are like buses. I never catch them after the chase." Children

Joke Number. 3128

"It is believed that in last decade, more than 2 million Children have died as a direct result of

armed conflict. Which proves that war isn't entirely pointless." Children

Joke Number. 3129

"What a day. I took our newborn son into one of those baby-changing rooms at the shopping

Centre. I came out with Harvey Price. I took him back in and came out with a little Chinese girl.

She'll have to do. I think the wife wanted a daughter anyway." Children

Joke Number. 3130

I think I am going to name my newborn son Dub step so it will be okay to drop him. Children

Joke Number. 3131

"In the news: Rupert Grint has revealed that he has become “obsessed” with his ice-cream van.

“I drive it every day. I get kids queuing up outside whenever I stop.” THAT’S how gingers

attempt to lure friends, or should we be more worried its kids he's luring?" Children

Joke Number. 3132

"People question my parenting skills, but I think my son is like a ray of sunshine. I try and stay

out of direct contact with him." Children

Joke Number. 3133

"I ran over a child the other day in my car, he made a 'badum' sound when I hit him. So later I

ran over a child carrying a cymbal." Children

Joke Number. 3134

I must say - that little bird Abbie Banning in East Enders is really starting to look

rather....................too old for me. Children

Joke Number. 3135

"Teacher: What does a cat say? Little Jonny: It says your 40, single, and desperate for any kind

of contact miss" Children

Joke Number. 3136

I had an argument with my son over changing roles in our game of cops and robbers. And

suddenly I'm the bad guy? Children

Joke Number. 3137

"My Ex-Wife claims that when I have the kids for their monthly visit I just spoil them and throw

money at them. You want the see the bruise a 50p coin can make between one’s eyes if executed

correctly from 2 meters." Children

Joke Number. 3138

"This is how they describe the characteristics of a psychopath. “A pervasive pattern of disregard

for, or violation of, the rights of others. It is defined in different ways, but can involve a lack of

empathy or remorse, shallow emotions, selfishness, grandiosity or deceptiveness; it can also

involve impulsiveness, irritability, aggression, or recklessness.” Now...Doesn't that sound like

everybody's kids at some point..." Children

Joke Number. 3139

The only thing worse than child labour is child unemployment Children

Joke Number. 3140

Following the results of the pregnancy test I bought my wife the biggest, cutest "Congratulations

you're having a period" card money could buy. Children

Joke Number. 3141

"At what age do you switch from puppy to dry dog food? My daughter is 18 months old."

Children

Joke Number. 3142

Apparently two 10 year olds at the same time does not count as a 20year old!!! Children

Joke Number. 3143

Little Susie was highly disappointed when she discovered the blue waffle that her dad gave her

for breakfast wasn't the confectionery delight she was hoping for... Children

Joke Number. 3144

"I saw a poster, which said: “Have you seen this boy?” So I rang up and said, “No, no I

haven't.”" Children

Joke Number. 3145

"I was driving past a school during a driving lesson when my instructor said, “Don't go over 15”

I said, “I won't, there's only one in the road”." Children

Joke Number. 3146

My kids are right whingers, today I was in the back garden just trying to play a bit of footie with

them but all they did was cry every time I got possession, I got so angry at one point I volleyed

the ball right over the fence, which I felt a bit bad about afterwards considering the hamster was

still in it at the time. Children

Joke Number. 3147

When I was in school all the boys used to say rude words that I didn't understand, so I’d go to the

library and do some coloring in. It wasn't long before i gave up my job as a teacher. Children

Joke Number. 3148

"Child lock's a great thing to use. As you get your car crushed..." Children

Joke Number. 3149

Raising kids is like being held hostage by midget terrorists! Children

Joke Number. 3150

"I hate child abuse hurts my hands.." Children

Joke Number. 3151

“"Awwwww it's a beautiful baby boy!!” I said to the parents. I was asked to leave the funeral."

Children

Joke Number. 3152

"After a seven year old in my primary school had his leg badly broken in a nasty tackle playing

football, the school banned us from playing. Well, us teachers anyway." Children

Joke Number. 3153

“"Children to face fitness tests”. Wouldn't mind being the judge of that. I think most kids are

pretty fit..." Children

Joke Number. 3154

"I was banging my girlfriend last night in every conceivable position, when she yelled out “I love

doggy!!!” Funnily enough, I think they were my first words too." Children

Joke Number. 3155

"A boy is walking home to his dad when he finds a used condom on the street so he brings it

home with him and asks his dad what it is. His dad not wanting to tell him what it really is he

says. “That’s a Twinkie and if you can find anymore fore me I will give a quArter for each one”.

So over the next few weeks the boy gathers 20 of these “Twinkies” exchanges them with his dad

all at once. Then the boy decides to get a chocolate bar so he goes to the shop and when he's

getting his money out the cashier goes. “Whoa where d'ya get all those quArters” and he says."

"well I found these Twinkies in the street and sold them to my dad, but before selling i sucked all

the filling out”." Children

Joke Number. 3156

"I was driving along the beach on my first day as a beach safety officer, when I saw a little girl

holding a wire. She was thrashing about with a contorted look of pain on her face. Fearing she

was being electrocuted, I got a shovel form my 4x4 and hit her with it. Thankfully she let go of

the wire. I don't care if people were screaming at me that it was a kite flying contest for the

mentally handicapped, a little girl could have died here!" Children

Joke Number. 3157

"What's the Difference between a baby and fruit? I don't eat fruit." Children

Joke Number. 3158

"Was sat in my briefs watching He-man and Skeleton fight with each other when my brother

walked in and said, “Double or quits, If I win their names go back to Susan and Jennifer.”"

Children

Joke Number. 3159

I tagged Waldo with a GPS device. No more questions. Children

Joke Number. 3160

"The Children have just left to spend the holidays at their grandma's: “I miss them already,” says

the mother with a sigh. “Me too,” says the father. “Could you spill some orange juice on my

trousers?”" Children

Joke Number. 3161

Grr I get more pop-ups then Gary glitter at a daycare Centre Children

Joke Number. 3162

"I was driving home from work today, when all of a sudden a football rolled into the middle of

the road. Luckily I was able to swerve and avoid it, and hit the young child who was trying to

retrieve it." Children

Joke Number. 3163

"I was looking into adopting my second child this week and I made sure to look into three vital

key areas: 1. The cost of adopting said child. 2. The ethnicity of the child. 3. Time it takes to

cook." Children

Joke Number. 3164

"MSN News: NSPCC: Abused Children 'in every school' I knew they couldn't be trusted!"

Children

Joke Number. 3165

"The Sun: “World’s oldest conjoined twins: We have normal, separate lives” I’m willing to bet

they don't" Children

Joke Number. 3166

"Did you know if you left a child’s teeth in a bowl of coca cola overnight they would drown"

Children

Joke Number. 3167

"That difficult moment when you're on holiday and you haven't quite got enough money for the

last few days of the trip. That difficult choice, which one of my Children can I leave in the

apartment?" Children

Joke Number. 3168

"It was a waste of money buying my newborn son a mobile phone. Every time I call, the

babysitter says “He can't speak to you at the moment.”" Children

Joke Number. 3169

"The new campaign for the NSPCC is called: “Change For Children” I'll give them 50p to wash

my car and a pound if they mow my lawn as well." Children

Joke Number. 3170

There's nothing quite like impressing the ladies like heading to the local park and kicking little

kids in the chest while yelling "THIS IS SPARTA" while performing a heroic pose on top of

their bodies. Children

Joke Number. 3171

I'm not saying my wife is ugly but when she just opened the door to trick or theaters, they gave

HER sweets! Children

Joke Number. 3172

"Kids are funny. My eleven year old has been quite happy to come home from school by himself,

and be alone in the house for an hour or so until me or the wife finish work. But as soon as I

mentioned the double murder that took place before we bought it, all of a sudden he starts to wet

himself." Children

Joke Number. 3173

I'm going to call my new-born son "Names", so that name-calling isn't a problem when he's

older. Children

Joke Number. 3174

"News: Harper Seven Beckham is a “mixture” of her parents David and Victoria Beckham. Ok

someone finally found a use for their GCSE Biology." Children

Joke Number. 3175

“"Well, I'm not so sure...” I hesitantly admitted. “Please, think of the Children otherwise doomed

to grow up in poverty!” he pleaded. Dad narrowly managed to convince me to get an abortion."

Children

Joke Number. 3176

"I was carrying bags of shopping home with the kids today, then I dropped one. Luckily the

shopping is alright, but my son has got a fractured arm." Children

Joke Number. 3177

Be wary of Santa’s bearing three knees... Children

Joke Number. 3178

"As I slowly slipped my index finger into my daughters ring she started screaming “please daddy

no, stop it, I hate you. That's it I'm telling mummy.” “Oh Jessica please don't tell your mum, I

won't do it again, I'm so sorry..... I'll buy you another packet Harbor rings." Children

Joke Number. 3179

"I was with the wife earlier at Toys R Us, and she decided to pick up one of those Hula Hoops

and give it a whirl. I'm not saying she's fat but a little Boy who was playing with a Telescope

nearby said “Look Mum, I can see Saturn”." Children

Joke Number. 3180

"Just been announced on the radio that girls as young as 13 are being encouraged to buy the

contraceptive pill over the counter! That should cut down my future CSA payments." Children

Joke Number. 3181

"I want my Children to have all the things i couldn't afford. Then I'll move back in with them."

Children

Joke Number. 3182

"My wife said that our kids are like little cArtoon characters, loud, cute & funny Given that, you

wouldn't believe the fuss she makes when i hit them in the face with a frying pan." Children

Joke Number. 3183

"My son's school project involved him collecting 30 leaves from different trees and bushes. ‘I

really should have put a lock on my greenhouse.' I thought, as I sat in the back of the police van."

Children

Joke Number. 3184

"Contrary to what the experts say, I've always found that if I leave my kids alone they're

generally quite well behaved. Especially when I leave them alone on the central reservation of

the M1" Children

Joke Number. 3185

"My daughter came up to me the other day and said, 'Dad, can I have a new pair of trainers?' I

said, 'You're twelve. Go to Taiwan and make some.'" Children

Joke Number. 3186

"I got arrested for pulling a little girls knickers down, putting her over my knee and spanking her

bottom for misbehaving yesterday. Apparently I am not allowed to do this to someone else's

child in ASDA" Children

Joke Number. 3187

There's a new pill on the Market for dealing with unwanted Children. They're basically nurofen

disguised as smArtest. Children

Joke Number. 3188

Why is it these days kids always scream when they're playing? Children

Joke Number. 3189

"I got my windows reinforced yesterday. Now the kids can't hear the ice cream van." Children

Joke Number. 3190

"Children in Need says 4 million kids are living in poverty and are in need of a hot meal. Well I

can’t provide for them all but I can do a few each night. Solves my need too." Children

Joke Number. 3191

"I saw this Article on being a good Dad on ParentDish.com, which gave the following Advice:

“Get into slinging the baby, then you can go for wonderful walks while we rest (and you'll be the

Centre of attention at the playground too).” So I did this, and now apparently I'm “no better than

Baby’s parents”" Children

Joke Number. 3192

"Every time my partner and I make love is like the first time. Of course for them it usually is."

Children

Joke Number. 3193

"My kids are riveted to the TV at the moment. And if that doesn't work, I've got a welding kit

waiting in the garage." Children

Joke Number. 3194

I asked my son today what he wanted to be when he grows up. He says he wants to be a fireman.

I asked him if he had an urge to help people and save lives but he replied ''no Daddy, I just like

watching people burn to death''. He is such a character. Children

Joke Number. 3195

"I've been teaching my little girl to ride a bike, Today I took the stabilizers off. She sped along

the pavement, clipped the neighbor’s car, went straight through our hedge and hit the garage

door. I thought it was a disaster but the wife called it a successful parking maneuvers." Children

Joke Number. 3196

"Why do math teachers not like dancing? They can't handle the funk." Children

Joke Number. 3197

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't

have said. Children

Joke Number. 3198

"I had a few games of rock, paper, and scissors with son today. He's so easy to beat... I banned

him from playing with sharp objects." Children

Joke Number. 3199

“"But daddy, isn't this wrong” “No, all the girls your age do this with their dads. Now get on this

and ride like you have never ridden before...... And if you can't I'll put your stabilizers back on.”"

Children

Joke Number. 3200

"If I ever have more kids in my household than adults I'll explain to them about democracy. I'll

say that the majority group in the house gets to decide things: what food we buy, where we go to

have fun and what TV. channel. Once they're excited that they'll be able to always take the

majority I'll point out they're not old enough to vote." Children

Joke Number. 3201

"I couldn't be bothered getting my son a costume for his dress up day at school today, so just told

him to take the laptop with him. “How's that dressing up?” my son asked. “Easy, just tell them

you’re a pirate” I replied." Children

Joke Number. 3202

"You're never in the right with kids. First the daughter insisted that I sent the dog out. Now the

son wants me to let mummy back in." Children

Joke Number. 3203

"One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years

old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Grampa

was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea',

which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my

Gramma came home. My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup

of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down

the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a

Gramma would know), “'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is

the toilet" Children

Joke Number. 3204

"When anyone ask me to watch their Children, I ask if their kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy

drunk.” Gets me out of it every time." Children

Joke Number. 3205

"I have a long history of suicide in my Family. The good news is it skips a generation. So if I'm

lucky, my kids will kill themselves." Children

Joke Number. 3206

"I like my Children like I like my jokes. Not getting old." Children

Joke Number. 3207

I suppose I should be happy that I am going to be a father to and a new baby boy. But I am

really going to miss all those hours standing outside school gates. Children

Joke Number. 3208

I was woken up this morning by the neighbors little boy kicking a football against the wall. I told

him to stop that and come back to bed. Children

Joke Number. 3209

"What do Dreadlocks and Children have in common? If you play around with them too much

they get messed up." Children

Joke Number. 3210

Instead of breaching copyrighted material for my Facebook picture, I'm just not going to hit a

child for a while Children

Joke Number. 3211

"'Knock Knock'. “Will you leave your grandmother alone, have a little respect for the dead.”"

Children

Joke Number. 3212

"Interesting that, for a company like Nike, who are constantly battling legal issues regarding

child labour... Their slogan would remain Just Do It." Children

Joke Number. 3213

"I was relieving stress by taking down some targets at the firing range.... .....when suddenly the

swat team broke down the front door of the school." Children

Joke Number. 3214

"What's the Difference between a baby and methyl amphetamine? One can cause adrenal fatigue.

The other is a stimulant drug." Children

Joke Number. 3215

"My 9 year old daughter approached me the other day with THAT question. “Daddy where do

babies come from?” Not wanting to delude her with stories of Stalks delivering babies I replied:

“Well sweet heart what happened was Daddy made a big mess and your mother sat in it”."

Children

Joke Number. 3216

"I'll be watching a few horrors this Halloween. My wife prefers I call them 'our Children'."

Children

Joke Number. 3217

"I lost my kids in the middle of a shopping Centre. The chain obviously wasn't secure enough."

Children

Joke Number. 3218

I became the stag party organizer for my mate the other day. I found a great place we could go, I

promised my mate the girls get wet for you and everything! He didn’t seem impressed when we

turned up at a Children’s swimming pool. Children

Joke Number. 3219

"I was in a restaurant this afternoon when to my surprise I spotted Ryan air boss Michael

O'Leary, feeding his baby daughter. “Open wide, here comes the aero plane!

Nyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrr” he said, before shoving the spoon in her ear, claiming it was 'Mouth

East', and demanding a 5 bib surcharge." Children

Joke Number. 3220

"A teacher asks one of her pupils what he did at the weekend... “I took my dad’s air rifle and shot

next door's cats, Miss,” he replied. She said, “That's awful, did your father punish you?” “No,”

he replied. “Well, not while I still had the gun in my hand.”" Children

Joke Number. 3221

"I and my girlfriend had a problem with washing my baby son’s hair. He would always scream,

kick and cry his eyes out. A friend suggested Johnsons 'No More Tears' shampoo. It worked a

treat! Smacked him round the head with the bottle twice and haven't heard a peep from him in 2

hours." Children

Joke Number. 3222

I am going to name my next child Number 7. Then when he's wondering about his missing

siblings, I'll explain to him how they didn't go to bed when I told them to. Children

Joke Number. 3223

I was telling my young son the story of the Billy Goats Gruff when he said, "He must be a

rubbish troll if he just lives under a bridge scaring goats. I bet he doesn't even have an internet

connection." Children

Joke Number. 3224

"I found out yesterday that I have an 8 year old daughter and it moved me to tears. You should

see what I owe the CSA." Children

Joke Number. 3225

"I made my son a scale version of Noah's Ark with all the Animals and everything using

matches. Shame he's not allowed to play with them." Children

Joke Number. 3226

"I was proud when my son told me he'd joined the commandos. Until I found out he'd just

thrown all of his underpants away." Children

Joke Number. 3227

Theatres are getting child actors in Panto as they cannot afford dwarfs. Some might say it's a

small price to pay. Children

Joke Number. 3228

"NHS doctors suggest foster Children get more psychiatric drugs. Though none strong enough to

conjure up images of parents not abandoning them." Children

Joke Number. 3229

"This hopepipe ban is really hurting my kids. But I guess that’s what happens when you try to fill

the paddling pool with water from the kettle." Children

Joke Number. 3230

"My wife's upset that I give 10 quid a month to send orphans to school in Africa. “You promised

to take care of my sister's Children after she died!” she screamed." Children

Joke Number. 3231

"The new benefits advert; it's not if we catch you it’s when this makes me think Madeleine

McCann should start stealing benefits" Children

Joke Number. 3232

"What Disney taught me as a child; If your Dad isn't king, you're an extra at best." Children

Joke Number. 3233

"My girlfriend said “Your capacity for Childishness seems to be infinite.” I replied “Well your

capacity for Childishness is infinity plus one. So there.” She left me." Children

Joke Number. 3234

Head teachers, why do you allow pupils to rattle their bikes behind the fingering wall ? Children

Joke Number. 3235

"Friends help you find a girl in a club Real friends help you spit roast the 9 year old scout....."

Children

Joke Number. 3236

"I was in town earlier when a woman with a Charity tin came up to me and said “Care to help

Children with cancer?” As much as I'd love to, I don't really have the capital funding or the

Technology to accelerate malignant bone marrow cell growth. So I gave her a cigarette."

Children

Joke Number. 3237

Checking into "Maddie's Hide Out" on Facebook is a good way to get yourself deleted. Children

Joke Number. 3238

"Beckham gets a lifetime achievement award... That's a bit like Fritzel getting voted father of the

year." Children

Joke Number. 3239

"I love taking the kids to the park, then taking them home, bathing them and putting them to

bed... one day I'll take my own." Children

Joke Number. 3240

Bing Horn? Now I know Matt Bellamy is in to his music but is there any need to call your child

after two sounds? Children

Joke Number. 3241

"My mate: “What's with the bouncy castle? I said “It isn't a bouncy castle, I'm fumigating my

shed for termites.” Him: “Oh, well it looks a lot like a bouncy castle...” “I guess that explains all

the dead kids...”" Children

Joke Number. 3242

"I desperately wanted to buy my sweet daughter a pair of prosthetic leg blades for Christmas.

They are just a revolutionary invention, and really help amputees have mobility. She would just

love me with all her heart and it would be such a special gift for my beautiful battling girl.

Anyway, I don't want to jump the gun and get my hopes up... after all I still have to hack her legs

off." Children

Joke Number. 3243

The phrase “If you love someone you let them go, and if it was meant to be it comes back"

doesn't apply when holding your newborn baby, I recently found out. Children

Joke Number. 3244

"I said to my son, “Would you like to play a little game for money?” He said, “Ok, what's the

game?” I said, “Every time you kick your mum's backside, I'll give you twenty pence.” Best

17.60 I've ever spent." Children

Joke Number. 3245

"Never take a dummy from a child. They may become pacifier-gressive." Children

Joke Number. 3246

"This bloke in the men’s toilets looked at me funny earlier when I used the urinal that was set

lower down than all the others, despite other regular size ones being free. Although on reflection

it could have been because his toddler was already using it at the time." Children

Joke Number. 3247

"I sat down with my young son today to introduce him to news programmers, you know educate

him from an early age. The bright colours and the simple language are really useful for him. I'm

glad we have programmers like ITV news for our kids." Children

Joke Number. 3248

I saw my ex the other day. Turns out she is married with a baby. What idiot marries a baby?

Children

Joke Number. 3249

The word paedophile literally translates to 'Child Enthusiast.' Over enthusiastic much? Children

Joke Number. 3250

"My P.E Teacher: “That's it, one more push and then you can rest. You're using those muscles

you've never used before”. Story of how I lost my virginity, aged 12." Children

Joke Number. 3251

Yay so Santa came during the night... just wish I had a tissue to whip it off though. Children

Joke Number. 3252

"A man being in a kitchen is like a necrophilia in a nursery, it just isn't right." Children

Joke Number. 3253

"I thought I was the coolest kid when I was younger because everyone dressed like me. Until I

realized school uniform was mandatory." Children

Joke Number. 3254

"Kids. If you can't beat them, don't have them." Children

Joke Number. 3255

"Punch an orphan. Who are they going to tell? Their parents?" Children

Joke Number. 3256

"The wife and I have different opinions on parenthood: I wanted to have a baby for 5 years... but

she wants to keep it forever" Children

Joke Number. 3257

Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee Children

Joke Number. 3258

My girlfriend told me last night that she thinks it's time for us to start thinking about

Children....... I’ve been doing that for years, I’m glad she's on board. Children

Joke Number. 3259

"Last night, before my son went to bed, he was telling me how much he hates his teacher. He

was saying things like, “He's an idiot” or “he's out to get me”. This is the last thing I wanted to

hear, as he is home schooled." Children

Joke Number. 3260

"Just been down the beach helping my daughter catch crabs. Do the GUM clinics treat kids too?"

Children

Joke Number. 3261

"I thought it would be hilarious naming my kids Frank and Stein, just to see the look on people's

faces when they ask if I have Children. And I was right. It is. I mean, what sort of name is Stein

anyway?" Children

Joke Number. 3262

"I don't see what the problem is with these health warnings about Children and plastic bags. I

gave one to my son this morning, he's been quiet for hours now." Children

Joke Number. 3263

"There was a familiar wakeup call at 6.30 this morning. “DADDY. I done a toilet. Can you wipe

me?” It was so cute. “I'll do it this one last time, but you're a big boy now and you must learn to

do this yourself. Wow! Somebody has a messy bot bot” “Cut the chit chat Dad or I'll be late for

work”, I said" Children

Joke Number. 3264

"My kids loved it when I threw them down the waterslide. They weren't so keen on the

landslide!" Children

Joke Number. 3265

"Today, my 4-year old son came running in to the kitchen, yelling: “I want to be a ninja when I

grow up!” Can't wait to tell him he's a dwarf" Children

Joke Number. 3266

“"My wife's off her nut. She keeps complaining that I don't care enough about the kids.” “How

many have you got then?” “Three, maybe four ...”" Children

Joke Number. 3267

After a long and costly legal battle, I found out you're unlikely to be granted custody if they're

not your Children to begin with. Children

Joke Number. 3268

"My 5 year old son just invented a brilliant reusable tissue! He calls it his tongue." Children

Joke Number. 3269

"Premature greyness is hereditary. You get it from your kids." Children

Joke Number. 3270

"With babies, they say breast is best. I don't mind which part I eat as long as there's gravy."

Children

Joke Number. 3271

"'Children need to see disabled people on TV to get over their fear' says one-armed presenter

Cerrie Burnell. On the other hand... oh wait." Children

Joke Number. 3272

"BBC NEWS HEADLINE: 'Sterling hits 19 month euro high' so what you’re saying is, Old man

hits druggy baby." Children

Joke Number. 3273

"My baby nephew has been really whingy and whiney since he got rubber on his arm from the

tread making machine at the Michelin factory tour. He's just tired." Children

Joke Number. 3274

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came

around to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told his uncle to

give him an addition question, so the uncle asked "What is 3 plus 4?" The little boy counts it on

his fingers and says "Seven" The uncle said , "Listen kid, you can't count it out on your fingers

because some day when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your

hands in your pockets." So the boy puts his hands in his pockets and the uncles says "Now what

five plus five?" The uncle seen movement in the boys pockets, then the boy answered, "Eleven"

Children

Joke Number. 3275

"The other day I was in the process of buying a pair of Nike shoes, when a man came up to me

and said: “Are you sure you want to buy a product that a small Indian child was forced to make

for the equivalent of 5p?” I replied: “Somebody has to employ them.”" Children

Joke Number. 3276

"I love dog owners. Always happy to let you have a good old stroke of their beautiful dogs when

you ask. Can't say the same for parents, mind..." Children

Joke Number. 3277

"What did Michael Jackson & Santa have in common? They both left kids bedrooms with their

sacks empty..." Children

Joke Number. 3278

Two Girls One Cup. Some may call it sick, I just call it a good way to teach kids to share.

Children

Joke Number. 3279

"I spent yesterday at the zoo looking after my Children. They seem much happier now they're all

in the same cage." Children

Joke Number. 3280

"I said to my son, “What did you do at school today?” He said, “We learnt about all the capitals.”

“How many do you know?” I asked. He said, “All of them.” I said, “All of them, are you sure?”

He said, “Yes, they're just like the small letters, but you write them a bit bigger.”" Children

Joke Number. 3281

"My long term girlfriend looked furious when I told her I hated Children and never wanted to

have any. Especially as she had just told me she was pregnant." Children

Joke Number. 3282

"I finally sat my 12 year old son down and had the talk with him. Now he understands why his

mum lives in the kitchen." Children

Joke Number. 3283

So my wife went all funny and got a bit upset when I bought our 13 year old daughter some veet

hair removal cream for her birthday... Children

Joke Number. 3284

"A cloned cow has been put on the market and is ready to be eaten. This could be harmful. Lives

are at stake." Children

Joke Number. 3285

"My son just told me that I wasn't the “boss” of him. So I sat him down and showed him a 65

slide PowerPoint to justify my management position." Children

Joke Number. 3286

"How can you tell if your girlfriend is too old? She's started getting homework" Children

Joke Number. 3287

Sold my daughters virginity to a Family member. She doesn't know yet. Her uncle Steve won.

That's not MY brother, it’s my wife's brother, in case you thought I was a sicko. Children

Joke Number. 3288

"I don't know why my Children hate bubbles so much. I only took them to the never land ranch

once." Children

Joke Number. 3289

I see Ubisoft have released a new "Michael Jackson: The Experience" computer game. I look

forward to buying it for my kids and then playing with them. Children

Joke Number. 3290

"Whilst we were driving home I was trying to show my wife the correct use of the throttle. It's by

far the best way to shut the kids up." Children

Joke Number. 3291

"I believe in letting the inner child out... once they've earned their freedom" Children

Joke Number. 3292

"I lost my Virginity the other day, and I rang around all my friends to tell them, and they all said

I should ring the police! So I rang the police and told them, and they said I was wasting police

time and could receive a fine! My missus said that’s the last time she lets me name any of our

kids." Children

Joke Number. 3293

"I saw on the news there the headline “Has China mother had octuplets?” ...or is she just a nanny

for 8 unrelated kids?" Children

Joke Number. 3294

"I have a third party, fire and theft policy. And sadly, because of that, I no longer get invited to

three-year-Old’s birthday parties." Children

Joke Number. 3295

My wife told me she's pregnant with a girl. That's great, I can save 20% on allowance! Children

Joke Number. 3296

"My wife hates it when our baby kicks her. I say baby, he's nearly two now, but at least he's a

quick learner." Children

Joke Number. 3297

I was in Portugal a few weeks back when I saw the cutest little 3 year old girl and I found myself

thinking, 'When in Rome...' Children

Joke Number. 3298

"I'm such a convincing guy, that I was actually able to sell ice to an Eskimo. Besides, I always

regretted naming my kid ice." Children

Joke Number. 3299

Parents who never thought things through when naming their child no. 96: Phil McCrevis

Children

Joke Number. 3300

"Thought I’d teach my kids how to overcome their fear of heights today, so I dropped them off

their school." Children

Joke Number. 3301

"What is 12” long and makes a woman moan all night? Sudden Infant Death Syndrome."

Children

Joke Number. 3302

If you're supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Children

Joke Number. 3303

"I had to babysit my sister's infant the other day, and I had the world's worst headache, because

the young baby wouldn't stop crying. And I knew for sure that it wasn't because of food, sleep,

poo or wee. Because I did all of them, and my headache still didn't disappear." Children

Joke Number. 3304

I'm not saying I'm a bad parent or anything but it did take a photo on a milk cArton before I

realized my son was missing. Children

Joke Number. 3305

You know you've got a problem when your second kid starts walking before your first. Children

Joke Number. 3306

"I've been thinking of opening a school for disadvantaged kids. All I gotta do is master the Art of

disguising myself as the Queen." Children

Joke Number. 3307

"Sky News: 'See Dannii Minogue's Baby Boy - On Twitter'. These kids are so advanced these

days." Children

Joke Number. 3308

"All this snowy weather is letting the little boy inside of me take control. To be honest, I quite

like getting tied up while he rides me." Children

Joke Number. 3309

"I hear Victoria Beckham was offered gas and air while in labour with her new baby, apparently

she wasn't hungry at the time" Children

Joke Number. 3310

"Children in Need is raising awareness for Leukemia in young Children. Sponsored by

Marlboro." Children

Joke Number. 3311

"Why did the boy drop his lolly pop? Because he got hit by a car." Children

Joke Number. 3312

"I love the way Children look when they're asleep. Vulnerable." Children

Joke Number. 3313

"I saw some tightrope walkers the other day. What a weird flavor for a packet of crisps." Circus

Joke Number. 3314

"How do you stop a clown from laughing? Hit it in the face with an axe." Circus

Joke Number. 3315

"I'm doing community service at a funfair but today I stole a wobbly mirror. I just hope it doesn't

reflect badly on me." Circus

Joke Number. 3316

"I have just been offered a job as a clown. My boss told me the other guy was good. Seems to me

I'll have some big shoes to fill." Circus

Joke Number. 3317

"It was such a shame to hear that the human cannonball that lost his life the other day. His career

was just taking off." Circus

Joke Number. 3318

"After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the

circus owner he was going to retire. “But you can't!” protested the boss. “Where am I going to

find another man of your caliber?”" circus

Joke Number. 3319

"How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler." Circus

Joke Number. 3320

"What's a circus master's favorite type of cigarette? A roll-up." Circus

Joke Number. 3321

"Went into a party shop earlier and was horrified at the prices of Balloons. The rate of inflation

on them is ridiculous." Circus

Joke Number. 3322

"I was looking through the employment section of the paper today and saw a vacancy for an

acrobat, I thought, perfect, I could do that standing on my head.." circus

Joke Number. 3323

"Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his Stilton."

Circus

Joke Number. 3324

"On my first day as a human cannonball my boss said, “I'm going to have to let you go.” “You

can't fire me,” I replied. “That's exactly why I'm letting you go,” he said." Circus

Joke Number. 3325

"My eight year old son told me there was nothing scarier than a clown. One night, whilst he was

sleeping, I hung a dead clown above his bed. Safe to say, I won that debate." Circus

Joke Number. 3326

"I've been walking on a tightrope ever since I had an argument with my boss. I don't care if he

owns the circus, I'm supposed to be the bearded lady." Circus

Joke Number. 3327

The phrase: "act your age, not your shoe size" is severely negated by the actions of clowns.

Circus

Joke Number. 3328

"A clown tried to start a fight with me earlier today. I said: “Listen mate, you don't want to fight

me. I'll make you look silly.”" Circus

Joke Number. 3329

"A drunk clown walks into a shop next to a bar. The shopkeeper says 'This Jokes gone one step

too far'" circus

Joke Number. 3330

"There's been talk at the circus of making our extreme knife throwing act redundant. I'm

currently facing the axe." Circus

Joke Number. 3331

"I started my new job as a clown today, and I found my feet immediately. Not surprising, really,

they're bright red and absolutely enormous." Circus

Joke Number. 3332

"I just saw this idiot with bright red hair, going down the road on a unicycle whilst juggling.

What a clown!" circus

Joke Number. 3333

"I was knocked over by a clown car! Luckily, 17 people got out to help." Circus

Joke Number. 3334

"I was supposed to pick up seven professional clowns today. But I couldn't find a car small

enough." Circus

Joke Number. 3335

"I was nervous at first, but once i felt it easily slide down the back of my throat, I jammed the

rest in. Circus Sword Swallower seems like a natural transition after college." Circus

Joke Number. 3336

"I was stuck on the M6 behind a huge lorry carrying a fairground ride doing 20mph yesterday.

Everyone was screaming at him but he wouldn't go any faster." Circus

Joke Number. 3337

"A clown was taking the mickey out of me earlier so I said to him, 'you're dead, funny!' He said,

'thanks.' So I shot him in the chest." Circus

Joke Number. 3338

"I got an email from a circus the other day but I couldn't open the attachment. Apparently it had

been created with a dopey acrobat." Circus

Joke Number. 3339

"Before my father died he worked in a circus as a stilt walker... I used to look up to him..." circus

Joke Number. 3340

"My dad raised me single handedly when I was a child. But that's life when you’re born into a

Family of circus acrobats." Circus

Joke Number. 3341

"My girlfriend is leaving me because she thinks I'm a buffoon. So, with a heavy heart, I selected

the most depressing of my 'unhappy horns' and honked the saddest of honks. “Honk”." Circus

Joke Number. 3342

"My wife was a great sword-swallower in the circus when we met. Not my choice, but her

amazing talent soon became neglected shortly after our wedding." Circus

Joke Number. 3343

"A man decides to join the circus. The ringmaster agrees to watch his act in the big top to see if

he is suitable. The man climbs a tall tower and jumps off flapping his arms wildly. After a few

seconds his fall slows and he soars forward, swoops up, turns and stops in midair then gently

glides to the ground. He turns and smiles at the ringmaster, ' what do you think, ' says the man.

The ringmaster looks unimpressed and replies, ' Is that all you can do, bird imitations? '" Circus

Joke Number. 3344

"I used to work in a circus as the human cannonball. But I left after they fired me." Circus

Joke Number. 3345

"I used to get this funny feeling when I was a kid. I was mo----ed by a clown on a daily basis."

Circus

Joke Number. 3346

"The midget human cannonball missed his target killing the bearded lady in the process. It was a

freak accident." Circus

Joke Number. 3347

"BBC News: “Cameron to work with solei stars”. Makes sense, the clown joining the acrobats,

completes the circus act." Circus

Joke Number. 3348

"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."

Circus

Joke Number. 3349

"My new girlfriend is a tightrope walker. She keeps asking me to check her equipment and repair

it if there is a fault. I am enjoying our relationship but I didn't realize it would be so high

maintenance." Circus

Joke Number. 3350

“"Try walking in my shoes” said the clown." Circus

Joke Number. 3351

Panorama; advertising pirate bay and vuze... it’s like the police giving out free drugs circus

Joke Number. 3352

"Just mugged a couple of clowns outside the circus. I told them not to try anything stupid."

Circus

Joke Number. 3353

"What is the Difference between the armed forces and a circus? In the circus you don't have to

salute the clowns." Circus

Joke Number. 3354

If red bull gave me wings I'd hover above a farm and mock chicken’s circus

Joke Number. 3355

My daughter has been going out with a clown for 25 years now. I don't think she will ever have a

serious relationship. Circus

Joke Number. 3356

"How do you know if someone has an iPhone? They tell you." Communication

Joke Number. 3357

"Most popular iPhone App of the month: Public Telephone Box Locator." Communication

Joke Number. 3358

The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you. Communication

Joke Number. 3359

"LG smArt phones...for those who can't afford iPhones... Or a BlackBerry... Or a Nokia... Or an

Ericsson... Or 2 cups and a piece of string." Communication

Joke Number. 3360

Am I the only person eagerly awaiting a Sickipedia iPhone app? Communication

Joke Number. 3361

"Bluetooth. Allowing dads to craftily send naked pictures of their son's girlfriends to their own

phones since 1994." Communication

Joke Number. 3362

"I've recently started work as a mobile mechanic and drive around in a tow truck all day. I don't

know why I need a big truck, most of the time I just change the battery or wiggle the Sim card

about." Communication

Joke Number. 3363

"A young lady went to a local psychic. “Who would you like to contact, my dear?” The psychic

asked. “My mother,” she replied. “Wait there, I think I'm getting something. Yes, yes, she's here

- your mother's spirit is here.” “Really?” “Yes, it's your mother, she's here.” “Mother, is it really

you?” “Your mother says, 'Don't worry dear,' that she loves you and she wants you to get on with

your life.” “Oh good,” replied the young lady. “Can she hear me?” “Yes, my child, your mother's

spirit can hear you.” “Okay, Mum, just to let you know I have no change for a phone call, and I

need you to know I won't be back for dinner as I'm staying over at Eric's, so see you some time

tomorrow, love you.”" Communication

Joke Number. 3364

"What's all this fuss about 3D TV all of a sudden? My TV's always been 3-dimensional."

Communication

Joke Number. 3365

"I've just spent 2 hours on the phone comforting my friend who got dumped and I think I've been

really helpful. But Vodafone's taken all the credit." Communication

Joke Number. 3366

“"Apple iPhone 4 users have trouble making calls” That’s because they have no friends to ring"

Communication

Joke Number. 3367

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Communication

Joke Number. 3368

"I keep getting these annoying texts. You know the ones where they keep sending more and

more of them. I finally had enough today and sent STOP to the offending number. Didn't work

though; just have a reply saying something about missing our wedding day?" Communication

Joke Number. 3369

"My wife said she's leaving me because 'I'm not an effective communicator.' I'll e-mail her about

it tomorrow." Communication

Joke Number. 3370

All these Facebook statuses about X Factor are ridiculous, I can’t believe how no one has

commented on how Robson Green just caught his biggest catch yet on Extreme Fishing.

Communication

Joke Number. 3371

"I've decided that I want my Children to have a traditional childhood, so I spent last Sunday

showing my son how you could communicate at distances of up to half a mile using just two

empty baked bean cans and a length of string. I was having a brilliant time, until I got a text

message from him to say that it was working." Communication

Joke Number. 3372

"Sky called me today and asked for some customer feedback... ...so I squealed down the phone at

them." Communication

Joke Number. 3373

You know you're unpopular when 118 ignore your texts. Communication

Joke Number. 3374

"My mate came up to me the other day and asked, “How's it going?” “Same old, same old,” I

replied. “Yourself?” I added. “Can't complain,” he said. Blokes: Saying nothing in particular

since the dawn of time." Communication

Joke Number. 3375

"When asked “What would be your dream job once leaving school?” in a recent poll, 99% of 11-

16 year olds wrote: “My dream is too work in a sweat shop!” Say what you like about the kids of

today, they may be illiterate but they aren't scared of hard work!" Communication

Joke Number. 3376

"My wife left the computer for a few seconds and came back in accusing me of tampering with

her emails! I quickly changed the subject." Communication

Joke Number. 3377

"A friend of mine said she was going to spend the day “Just lolling around the house” I couldn't

see what she found so funny." Communication

Joke Number. 3378

Whoever invented iPhone spell checker is a complete and utter tear. Communication

Joke Number. 3379

"I was in my hotel room and couldn't get a signal on my mobile, so I went down to the lobby.

They've got reception there." Communication

Joke Number. 3380

"All my mates keep laughing at me because I’m on a Pay-As-You-Go mobile phone. So I took

out a contract.........And got them killed." Communication

Joke Number. 3381

"So I'm in JFK airport with my 3 kids Alex, Kyle and Ida. They all go missing whilst going

security and I start to panic. So I ask if I can use the tannoy to call out for them.... very

innocently I shout out “AL-KY-IDA” I don’t remember much of what happened next...."

Communication

Joke Number. 3382

"My mate rang me and asked “What are you up to?” “Nothing much,” I replied “I'm just sitting

here in a lecture about mobile phone etiquette. So, how was your weekend, mate?”"

Communication

Joke Number. 3383

I just rang the Halifax bank and got a message saying that due to adverse weather conditions they

are short on staff and it may take longer than normal to answer my call. I didn't even know it

could snow in India? Communication

Joke Number. 3384

"I bought at Enigma machine off eBay last week. I'm still trying to work the instructions out."

Communication

Joke Number. 3385

Mobiles: A way to speak to yourself without anyone noticing. Communication

Joke Number. 3386

"Created a group on Facebook last year - the “Fear of commitment club”... Can't figure out why

it’s still got no members..." Communication

Joke Number. 3387

Now I use Facebook, I think that since I left school they must teach girls to use an 'x' instead of a

full stop. Communication

Joke Number. 3388

"Apple really aren't being very original with their Technology. There was the iPod, a

revolutionary product that changes the world of music but all they've done since is whack a

phone on it and make it bigger... Maybe they should come up with a new idea." Communication

Joke Number. 3389

"I've been bombarded with dirty picture messages and kinky texts all morning. It's all well and

good, but this is my mum’s phone." Communication

Joke Number. 3390

The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line. Communication

Joke Number. 3391

"The other day I was browsing the forums! Someone was excited about being able to Google

their user name and it would bring up said name and Sickipedia jokes from them. “Well,” I

thought, “I will give it a go.” So I Goggled away and it took me straight to the obituaries - I

hadn't realized I had that many jokes buried." Communication

Joke Number. 3392

Why is it that the most important part of a voicemail is always the hardest to hear?

Communication

Joke Number. 3393

Sickipedia on your mobile phone; like having a ginger hating rapist pulling wisecracks in your

pocket... Communication

Joke Number. 3394

"I was exchanging emails with a 45 year old bloke for ages and we arranged to meet. When I got

there, it turned out to be some really fit bird my age. How disappointing." Communication

Joke Number. 3395

"I went into the estate agents today I said “Hi, I wondered if you could help me I have a flat?”

The estate agent said “Oh, are you looking to sell it?” I said “No, I'm looking to blow it back

up.”" Communication

Joke Number. 3396

"*IF YOU CAN READ THIS* Then you're probably not using a Blackberry" Communication

Joke Number. 3397

"O2 is the most unselfish lover ever. It’s just gone down on the whole country." Communication

Joke Number. 3398

"What would you do with your unlimited texts from orange, if you top up just 15 per month

using their new offer? I'd text o2 and thank them for coming up with the idea three years ago..."

Communication

Joke Number. 3399

"Did you hear about BT's new invention? Speed dole" Communication

Joke Number. 3400

"I've started a mobile phone network that covers 1% of the UK. I'm going to sell it to Vodafone."

Communication

Joke Number. 3401

"As a student nurse I had little money for meals so I ate the awful food provided at the hospital

canteen. I often took my break in the ward kitchen and sometimes kindly visitors would hand in

treats they had brought for patients who had not wanted to eat them. One night a woman brought

a pie to the kitchen and said, ' Would you eat this up, love. ‘The pie was absolutely delicious, full

of meat with a light golden pastry, I ate it in next to no time. Soon the woman returned and said, '

Is me 'husbands pie 'to enough yet? '" Communication

Joke Number. 3402

Who else joins the 'Lost my phone, numbers please...?’ Facebook groups, just to rob the numbers

of people you'd never normally get them off Communication

Joke Number. 3403

Texting - Because a 5 minute conversation should take all day. Communication

Joke Number. 3404

"I just got a weird text from my best friend saying, “Mate, I'm actually in the future right now

and robots do absolutely everything for us humans” Sent by my android." Communication

Joke Number. 3405

"I met this really cute girl I thought was way out my league last week in a club. I thinks she was

a bit drunk but it seemed to help and I got her phone number! Now she texts me all the time: 'pls

stop texting me' 'i dnt want u fllwing me agen' 'wht wer u doin in my grdn lst nite?' 'im goin 2

call the plc'" Communication

Joke Number. 3406

"My wife was on the phone sorting out our insurance. “And your postcode?”, asked the operator.

“TW7 5HQ”, my wife replied. “That's T for train, W for woman, H for house and Q for Cuba.” I

swear to God I could've slapped her!" Communication

Joke Number. 3407

“"IPad. There's no right way and no wrong way”- to hold it. If only the iPhone was this

advanced" Communication

Joke Number. 3408

I update my Facebook status using my Blackberry so as people think I am out and have a life.

Communication

Joke Number. 3409

"Did you know that the Bluetooth mobile headset was invented by a German man? Hans Free."

Communication

Joke Number. 3410

"My wife asked “Did you remember to send that fax for me?” “Yes” I replied “I sent it this

morning.” “Ha got you!” she said “You didn't send it, I've just seen it on your desk.”"

Communication

Joke Number. 3411

“"100 million Facebook users' data published” I don't see what the fuss is about; if you go on

sickipedia you can read their Facebook status' first hand." Communication

Joke Number. 3412

Facebook E-Mail: Same as the average e-mail except you can't remove Zuckerburg from the CC

list and your e-mails are viewable by the world the day they decide to change the Facebook

security options Communication

Joke Number. 3413

"A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like, 'What's your favorite color?' A

quick way to end a conversation is to say something like, 'What's your favorite color person?'"

Communication

Joke Number. 3414

I got a message on my mobile about the future. It was predictive texting. Communication

Joke Number. 3415

"My wife said “ We don't seem to understand each other these days. Why can't we just get

along?” “A long what?” I asked." Communication

Joke Number. 3416

"I've finally learnt the Art of throwing my voice", said my kettle. Communication

Joke Number. 3417

"Got a text off Orange today saying “why not try orange Wednesdays?” Probably because it’s a

Thursday." Communication

Joke Number. 3418

"Dear, Chicken. I have no idea why everyone wants to know why you crossed the road, I'm not

impressed. Sincerely, the cow that jumped over the moon." Communication

Joke Number. 3419

"Cheryl Cole has been axed from The X Factor by Simon Cowel, because people couldn't

understand her accent. Shame we can't have Simon in charge of telephone banking in the UK?"

Communication

Joke Number. 3420

My inability to use emoticons correctly is really getting me down :) Communication

Joke Number. 3421

"Never tell a woman that she is over-reacting..... She'll only over-react" Communication

Joke Number. 3422

I have created a Twitter account called "The Yellow Brick Road" and I am going to follow it

Communication

Joke Number. 3423

"I'm more of a haha than an lol kinda person But sometimes I actually meet real people!"

Communication

Joke Number. 3424

"My wife sobbingly said “Nothing I do makes any sense anymore.” “Stop talking nonsense” I

said." Communication

Joke Number. 3425

Anyone else get seriously excited when they receive their first text message for about a month,

then rapidly that excitement goes when they find out it's from Orange. Communication

Joke Number. 3426

Excellent personality test: type in 'coal' to your predictive text and see what comes up first.

Communication

Joke Number. 3427

"I rang my friend up earlier with my iPhone 4. I thought hang on a minute..." Communication

Joke Number. 3428

"Difference between Chris Moyle’s and his listeners? His listeners eventually grow up."

Communication

Joke Number. 3429

I asked my wife where my dinner.....was she went on a right one, screaming that if I gave her a

hand it would be done quicker... so I gave her a hand......... a right one........ I'm still waiting for

my dinner and she seems to be having a kip on the kitchen floor. On the positive side she's gone

all quiet now..... Communication

Joke Number. 3430

Life is too short to make mistakes Communication

Joke Number. 3431

"I phoned the police today. We hadn't chatted in ages..." Communication

Joke Number. 3432

"I was trying to think of a name for a band and all I could come up with was 'The Telephones'. I

thought it had a ring to it." Communication

Joke Number. 3433

"BBC News: Texas Homes Destroyed By Wildfire. I didn't know HTC had an app for that!"

Communication

Joke Number. 3434

"I was upset when my wife told me I was too pedestrian about life. So I went for a walk."

Communication

Joke Number. 3435

Even the families of staff at Clinton will be sending their loved one a sad face text message

rather than forking out three quid on a card Communication

Joke Number. 3436

"What were the three quickest ways to get a message to as many people as possible in as short a

time as possible before email? 1. Telephone 2. Telegram 3. Tell woman" Communication

Joke Number. 3437

The amazing thing about mobile phones is that, no matter where you are or whatever you are

doing, you can keep them switched off so no-one will bother you. Communication

Joke Number. 3438

"HISTORY: William of Orange stood on one side........... John of Vodafone and Richard of O2

on the other...." Communication

Joke Number. 3439

"Just saw a site “Learn Spanish: A Word a Day!” The average English person’s vocabulary is

about 25000 words... “Learn Spanish: In 68 Years!”" Communication

Joke Number. 3440

"I’ve changed my Mobile provider from O2 to a new service called Gypsy It has Free Roaming"

Communication

Joke Number. 3441

"I didn't know robots could get headaches, indigestion or feel pain... But I just read in the news

that Sony are releasing Android tablets." Communication

Joke Number. 3442

"IPhone app saves man trapped in Haiti rubble: Film maker Dan Woolley was trapped in the

rubble after the Haiti earthquake. Thanks to the iPhone first-aid app he'd downloaded, he knew

how to fashion a bandage and tourniquet for his leg and to stop the bleeding from his head

wound. The app also warned him not to fall asleep if he felt he was going into shock, so he set

his cell phone's alarm clock to go off every 20 minutes. About 3 days after his hotel collapsed,

Woolley was found by a French rescue team and subsequently transported to a hospital in

Florida. That's just incredible. An iPhone battery lasting for 3 days!" Communication

Joke Number. 3443

"I recently won the award for funniest Sickipedian. When the trophy was presented to me, I

spotted my African girlfriend in the audience. She was on her feet cheering. Afterwards i sent her

a text saying 'thanks for the cheer' using predictive texting ...BIG mistake" Communication

Joke Number. 3444

"My phone contract was a con. It stated that for 20 a month I would get 5000 texts. It's been 8

months now and I've not received a single text." Communication

Joke Number. 3445

“"Thank you for calling the Freedom of Speech hotline where we believe that it is every person’s

right to voice their opinions without fear of recrimination”. “Calls may be monitored”."

Communication

Joke Number. 3446

When I go to delete an app on my IPhone and they're shaking, it always makes me feel guilty,

it’s almost like they're all anxious about who's getting axed. Communication

Joke Number. 3447

"Wife was intrigued when she opened up her Birthday Present today. She asked for something

with diamonds. I got her a pack of Playing cards. You should have seen the look on her face

when I told her they were fit for royalty." Communication

Joke Number. 3448

Ever since I got an IPhone I've missed the sound of turning pages in the bathroom..

Communication

Joke Number. 3449

3 mobile call centers. Communication

Joke Number. 3450

"My wife says I spend too much time on Facebook. According to her wall post, anyway."

Communication

Joke Number. 3451

When someone asks you for account details on the phone, "200 years old, sharp teeth, hates

wooden stakes" is an unacceptable answer. Communication

Joke Number. 3452

"Facebook is down. What I’m I going to do with my life?" Communication

Joke Number. 3453

Imagine God's face when he checked his inbox... Communication

Joke Number. 3454

"If you count vocals everyone can play an instrument because everyone can hum and talk. Well

in that case Stephen Hawking can play keyboard." Communication

Joke Number. 3455

"'Talk is cheap', people say. But not the same people who are on 'Vodafone'." Communication

Joke Number. 3456

"02 has brought out a new package called Siamese. 02 connecting people" Communication

Joke Number. 3457

"Girlfriend: There you go again! Me: *There. Girlfriend: And another thing; you always have to

be so... pedantry. Me: *Pedantic." Communication

Joke Number. 3458

"I hate when you’re insulting someone over text and predictive makes it come out wrong. You

always end up looking like a right count." Communication

Joke Number. 3459

"Sky have brought out a new version of their HD box that saves energy by going into standby

mode after 12 hours. It's called a Sky Tasman Archer Box or “sleeping satellite” as the engineers

like to call it." Communication

Joke Number. 3460

"Thank God for public phone boxes as I still use them. They're the only places I can talk in

private on my mobile these days." Communication

Joke Number. 3461

Just heard about Apples new app which lets you order a pizza, anywhere, from your IPhone. I

reckon I must have got a special one because mine already does this. Communication

Joke Number. 3462

Ironically, the more someone uses the word 'like' in a conversation, the more I feel the opposite

about them. Communication

Joke Number. 3463

Going to start calling my girlfriend 02 to see if she will go down on me. Communication

Joke Number. 3464

"Was trying to explain to my gran who was sitting in the chair with the cat on her lap, for over an

hour, how her new iPhone worked. I think I did a pretty good job because the cat just called."

Communication

Joke Number. 3465

"What's all this fuss about 3D TV all of a sudden? My TV's always been 3-dimensional."

Communication

Joke Number. 3466

"The wife loves her iPhone, so I've decided to get her even more attached to it with the latest

optional extra - Velcro backing - which means she can drop that silly Bluetooth earpiece. It's

absolutely perfect for her sideburns." Communication

Joke Number. 3467

"My wife decided to take down all the Christmas lights without telling me. I feel like I'm being

left in the dark over these decisions." Communication

Joke Number. 3468

"When a bloke rings my mate it plays 'Raining Men,' when a woman rings it plays 'Three Times

a Lady'. Got himself a new IPhone.." Communication

Joke Number. 3469

"There is no way that the world is going to end on 21/12/2012 like the Aztecs predicted. Sorry

Aztecs, wrong again, just like you were about the optimum method of ingesting chocolate.

Makes you wonder what they were smoking." Communication

Joke Number. 3470

"'If you don't have an iPhone... You don't have an iPhone.' The kind of intelligence and wisdom

often displayed by someone with an iPhone." Communication

Joke Number. 3471

"I hate getting my social networking sites mixed up, Just last week I was telling my Family to

come on My Face.." Communication

Joke Number. 3472

Steve Jobs probably had the BlackBerry server as his life support machine. Communication

Joke Number. 3473

"Some girl updated her bbm status: “Phones about to die: /” 3 hours later... “RIP Uncle John <3”

Apparently asking if her phone was called Uncle John was inappropriate." Communication

Joke Number. 3474

"I hate condescending people. But, I wouldn't expect you to understand." Communication

Joke Number. 3475

Probably the single and most frustrating thing about social media websites like twitter, is the fact

that you only get 140 characters to us Communication

Joke Number. 3476

“"That letter you've been waiting for is here,” said my wife, “and you've got the job!” “Great!” I

replied, “When do I start?” “3 weeks ago....”" Communication

Joke Number. 3477

"The new iPod 3G supports browsing on the move without the need for a Wi-Fi connection. The

only downside is it can't make or receive calls. A much cheaper alternative for the iPhone4."

Communication

Joke Number. 3478

It's got to the point where i wear my headset whilst playing my Xbox even when i have no

friends online. Just so i don't have to talk to my wife. Communication

Joke Number. 3479

"So Mark Zuckerberg has got married to Priscilla Chan when asked why she consented to marry

him Pricilla said “I can think of 106 billion reasons”" Communication

Joke Number. 3480

"Can’t say I’d buy an iPhone 4 after that new advert showing off Face Time. Video quality is

good but the sound seems to have been replaced with Louis Armstrong..." Communication

Joke Number. 3481

"Yesterday I got an email saying “you have no emails”. Kind of defeats the purpose, doesn’t it."

Communication

Joke Number. 3482

"It started hailing the other day, so I shouted Caesar. When in Rome..." Communication

Joke Number. 3483

"My new phone has a very un-musical ring. It's cordless." Communication

Joke Number. 3484

"My phone rang earlier. I answered it and a voice I didn't recognize said, “Alright mate. I've just

bought a united shirt with “ROONEY” and “3” on the back.” I said, “Sorry, I think you've got

the wrong number.”" Communication

Joke Number. 3485

"The wife said “I just can't get through to you, it's like were on different wavelengths!”.... “You

daft cow.” I replied “your walkie talkie is on the wrong frequency!”" Communication

Joke Number. 3486

"I was trying to find my girlfriend so I asked my brother if he knew where she was. He said “no,

have you tried her cell?” I said “no, I've looked there it's empty, but I will try phoning her”."

Communication

Joke Number. 3487

“"NO JOKE, YOU HAVE WON AN IPHONE” Pretty ironic considering this is a joke site."

Communication

Joke Number. 3488

"I've still got my original Nokia 3310, I think it may be time to get rid of it. Apparently, I've to

take it somewhere called 'Mordor'" Communication

Joke Number. 3489

"The funniest thing to do using Google+ Step 1. Randomly divide everyone you know into two

separate circles. Step 2. Post to circle 1 that you just got an awesome new job Step 3. Post to

circle 2 that you just contracted some disease Step 4. Post to your extended circles the message:

'Tomorrow is my last day' Sit back and watch resulting comment battle unfold..."

Communication

Joke Number. 3490

"O2 and 3..... So called because that's how many satisfied customers they each have."

Communication

Joke Number. 3491

"If my iPhone were truly 'smArt'..... It wouldn't let me text people when I'm drunk."

Communication

Joke Number. 3492

"Normally I hate the adverts on television but the last one I saw I really agreed with. It was

warning of the dangers of cyber bullying; how sad and sick it is. How cyber bullying really does

show the broken society we live in today and all that has changed over the years with the age of

Technology... Now it's the fatty's and the nerds have the upper hand when it comes to picking on

people. God must be shaking his head looking at what we've become. Shaking his head..."

Communication

Joke Number. 3493

Does anybody else think that 'Face time' by Apple sounds like a weekly quota of oral?

Communication

Joke Number. 3494

"My idea for a perfect pint was a cool Fosters on the beach in Jamaica with Bob Marley. For

some reason carling said I didn't win." Communication

Joke Number. 3495

It's a sad state of affairs when your Blackberry goes down on you more often than your

Girlfriend! Communication

Joke Number. 3496

"I've just taken out a contract with Vodafone. 2500 for them to shoot that fat bloke from the Go

Compare adverts." Communication

Joke Number. 3497

I asked Siri to call me an ambulance since I was experiencing chest pains. It responded by telling

me it would call me 'an ambulance' from now on. Communication

Joke Number. 3498

"My wife and I had a close call this morning. I can't believe she phoned me from next door."

Communication

Joke Number. 3499

"Just got my best mate, my dog a cell phone plan. It comes with roll-over minutes."

Communication

Joke Number. 3500

"BBC News: “Black granted bail pending appeal” ...What? You don't need me to write

anything?" Communication

Joke Number. 3501

Blackberry helping teenagers to commit suicide since Monday. Communication

Joke Number. 3502

"I can't wait till my birthday on 1st October. Sent from my Blackberry" Communication

Joke Number. 3503

"Bank security checks are pretty pointless if you're talking to an Indian customer. “Can I take

your mother's maiden name please Mr. Patel?” “Yeah. It's Patel.”" Communication

Joke Number. 3504

"Are you forgetful? Are you not remembering where you put things? I made an app for that....

It's around here somewhere I just have to find it." Communication

Joke Number. 3505

"What do you call a hi-fi that will never let you down? A sound system!" Communication

Joke Number. 3506

"My wife said “You're not making any sense”. I replied “Fourteen and a bit on the top”."

Communication

Joke Number. 3507

"My phone has been ringing off the hook. I should probably get that fixed." Communication

Joke Number. 3508

"Mobile Phone? Hopelessly old-fashioned.. I went over to telepathy several years ago."

Communication

Joke Number. 3509

"I always finish my text messages with a kiss. The lads down at the pub never seem to approve

of their wet cheeks, though." Communication

Joke Number. 3510

I'm not saying the guy from the BT adverts is creepy, but I'm expecting in the next one for him to

turn around and say "Let me shave your legs and taste you while you sleep" Communication

Joke Number. 3511

Facebook - for hideous, fat, ugly women to deceive lads into thinking they look human.

Communication

Joke Number. 3512

My wife left me today because of my obsession with twitter. There's a lot more to it than that but

unfortunately I'm about to run out of cha Communication

Joke Number. 3513

At work today this OAP costumer kept calling me duck... I thought to myself, if she calls me

duck one more time I think I'm going to quack... Communication

Joke Number. 3514

I felt really awkward today when i rang a slag and it said ".......welcome to the virgin voice mail"

Communication

Joke Number. 3515

They say music is the language of spirits. So, next time your bank keeps you hanging on the

phone, they're probably taking you for a medium. Communication

Joke Number. 3516

I've just hit someone with their own blackberry. Those things really are useful, I might get one

now. Communication

Joke Number. 3517

"I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution. 1024x768."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3518

"I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape - I don't even have a

home anymore. Definitely time for a new keyboard." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3519

"I've just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van Joke Number. 02”. That should keep my

pikey neighbours on their toes for a while." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3520

"I currently own a system which is exactly 14 times better than Windows 7. I call it: Windows

98." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3521

"I've just upgraded to Sky HD. I'm impressed. The phrase 'No satellite signal is being received'

has never been so colourful and clear." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3522

"Microsoft's new Windows advert talks about life without walls... Surely life without walls is a

Window's worst nightmare." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3523

No, Microsoft Word, my name is not spelt incorrectly. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3524

"Want to know how to get a Flat Stomach & Perfect Abs in 2 to 3 Weeks? Hmmmm let me

see...... Photoshop?" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3525

“"And so, God came forth and proclaimed widescreen is the best” Sony 16:9" Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3526

"I can't believe all the singles in my area want to meet me, probably because of all the iPads I've

won." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3527

"It's a good job Apple isn't in charge of New Year. We'd all be expecting 2012 and get 2011S

instead." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3528

"AltGr for when the Alt key isn't angry enough for you." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3529

"Just bought an iPod Touch. It's just like an iPhone, but you can't make calls. No, wait, it's

exactly like an iPhone." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3530

"I tried to log in on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch a Sketch and I don't own an iPad. Also, I'm

out of vodka." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3531

Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3532

You know you're a geek when you have an iPhone, an iPod, a PC, a laptop, a GPS system and a

PDA but you'd swap them all for a working light saber. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3533

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That's nothing,

because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3534

"I heard yesterday that there's talk amongst computer companies to increase the size of a byte by

one-eighth. I'd say that's a bit too much." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3535

"Amazon Kindle App: “Buy Now, Read Everywhere” Y'know what else you can buy now and

read everywhere? A book." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3536

73% of men don't know what a cookie is. But 99% know how to delete them. Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3537

An Apple store was broken into and 10,000 worth of merchandise was stolen. The police are

confident they can recover both Computers. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3538

"What is iPad? IPad is thin. iPad is beautiful. IPad goes anywhere and lasts all day. IPad is not

my wife." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3539

"I've just bought a JVC LCD 1080P HD TV. The rest of the alphabet was out of stock."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3540

"Wrfsgqweztkl;'Joke Number.  ast gg4369on/hoivdz... Why does no one ever think of unplugging their

keyboard before cleaning it?" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3541

"What's the Difference between T-Mobile and the human centipede? The human centipede

actually connects people." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3542

"Bluetooth phone mini-headsets. Blurring the line between the technologically adept and

criminally insane schizophrenia." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3543

"Database Latency again... There are 540 of you looking at this page. It's usually about 800 when

there's too many, One of the Gameboys they use for servers must have run out of battery."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3544

The spell Czech on my computer has never failed me. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3545

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my

collection. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3546

If we all end up going to jail for downloading music, I at least hope they separate us by music

genre. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3547

"I was looking inside my computer yesterday and I burnt my finger on my processor. It Mhz."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3548

Just bought a Wii fit in a sale, and lost 90 pounds instantly. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3549

"My sister warned me the other day that the police are cracking down on illegal downloads and

that I should delete all my songs just in case. Yeah, if the cops seize my P.C, illegally

downloaded music will be the least of my worries." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3550

"Remember days before Computers? Memory was something you lost with age An application

was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home A virus was the flu A CD was a bank account A hard drive was a

long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And if you had a 3 inch floppy...

You just hoped no one ever found out!" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3551

"Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting...” Me: no Microsoft, it is you

who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3552

"Why is there so much “i” everything? IPod, iPad, iPhone etc... One day my Children might

grow up to think that an idea is some form of digital antelope." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3553

".' I just went for a slash and missed." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3554

"There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define 'great' he said, ''I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff

that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in

pain and anger!'' He got a job with Microsoft, writing error messages!" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3555

"Why are Facebook status updates like a Polish builder's toolkit? All the good ones have been

stolen from another site." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3556

"I'm useless with Computers! I'm such a techno-numpty! I only have to touch the things and they

break! Well, not really. But you've got to lie on your CV a bit to have a chance of getting in at

PC World." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3557

I'm an Apple Mac and Windows 7 was my idea. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3558

"I downloaded a 3D version of the alphabet. It's got 28 letters." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3559

"Customer: I'm running Windows Vista... Helpdesk: Yes... Customer: And my computer isn't

working! Helpdesk: Yes, you already said that." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3560

Dyslexia cost me my job in IT. Turns out my boss wanted me to unzip his 'files'. Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3561

NanoTechnology is gonna be huge. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3562

Silly Kodak. They should have invented a camera with a phone on it. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3563

If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0 Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3564

"I saw an iMac in my workplace today. So I grabbed a marker pen and scribbled 'unt' next to the

logo." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3565

"Dear URL bar, please can we agree on a number of clicks it takes to highlight the whole

address? I click a few times, then click like a mad person only to miss the one time it actually got

highlighted in my frenzied clicking." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3566

"I went to a party hosted by T Mobile last night. I got really drunk and kept trying to change the

tunes that the DJ was playing. Not only that, but I projectile vomited all over the dance floor and

started a fight that turned into a saloon style brawl involving a number of people. Whilst that was

going on I sloped off in need of the toilet, dropped my pants by the buffet and shat all over the

carpet. If they give me a bad reception I'm going to ruin theirs." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3567

"I own a small zoo and a pirate ship. Although not at the same time.... I don't have that much

Lego." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3568

"Daniel Petric shot both his parents in the head after they took away his copy of Halo 3. Double

Kill!" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3569

"It's the last time I play poker with an origami expert. All he did was fold." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3570

"Stone vs. iPhone 3G: Stone (40,000 BC)- MMS: NO Video calling: NO Video recording: NO

Changeable memory cards: NO Touchscreen: NO iPhone 3G (2008)- MMS: NO Video calling:

NO Video recording: NO Changeable memory cards: NO Touchscreen: YES" Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3571

"Video games are ruining my life. Luckily, I still have two left." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3572

I love call of duty. I don't play the game myself but it means that there are a lot more bored

girlfriends out there looking to get laid. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3573

Cancer - Loves the jobs you hate. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3574

Well I've just got my new iPhone4 and so far I haven't had any problems with the recap

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3575

People who plug their computer keyboards into hi-fi systems aren't idiots. That would be

stereotyping. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3576

"I offered my computer a sandwich today. It took a Megabyte." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3577

Microsoft users have been proven right for once. They always said Steve Jobs couldn't build a

computer to save his life. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3578

Now that most Computers have touchscreens, websites should make their advertising links look

like smudges. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3579

"Today is the 30th birthday of the ZX Spectrum. I'll look in on mine later; that first game might

have loaded by now." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3580

"I had a spider on my keyboard. I have it under Ctrl." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3581

"Why did Mr. Ohm marry Mrs. Ohm? Because he couldn't resistor." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3582

"New iPhone 4S bug - screen displaying yellowish tint. Similar to Steve Jobs a few weeks ago

then." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3583

I'm Wikipedia, and Windows were actually the Romans' idea. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3584

"I bought a great new holder for my apple and blackberry it’s called a fruit bowl" Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3585

"Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they'd broken one of my

keyboard keys. I order hitch one." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3586

"I just created a new computer virus that only targets Apple. It's a worm." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3587

"I'm currently off work with a slipped disk. I mean, I accidentally slipped my Call of Duty disk

into my Xbox." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3588

Words cannot describe how much I absolutely have predictive text. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3589

Spreadsheets: That's where I really Excel. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3590

You know you're a geek when you try to shoo a fly away from your monitor with your mouse

cursor. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3591

"Apparently the average PC crashes 3 times a year. It must cost the Police a fortune in

replacement cars." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3592

"My mate keeps raving on about how amazing his new iPad is. He even got me to draw a picture

on his new Art app so I could see how responsive it is. It wasn't easy. My felt tip pen just wiped

clean off. In the end I had to scratch it on with a paperclip." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3593

"I was on I-tunes downloading some I-songs onto my i-phone the other I-day, when it suddenly

occurred to me I'm a balding, middle age man having a nervous breakdown trying to be cool."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3594

IPhone................. Oh no I don't Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3595

Will the 'I' phenomenon ever stop? Now there’s even a hurricane called an Irene Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3596

"A question for the older guys who remember Punk... When you go into your “Start menu

properties” in windows and see the option “Lock The Taskbar” do you spend the next half an

hour singing Clash tunes?" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3597

"A man praised the iPhone 4 today as he managed to survive freak earthquakes and tsunamis by

looking at survival apps. Though he did add “although it was a bit annoying that I couldn’t just

call for help”" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3598

"Customer: I would like to purchase Windows Vista. Helpdesk: No problem, em. Which one

would you like? Customer: What is there? Helpdesk: Vista Home basic, Vista Home Basic

upgrade, Vista Home Premium, Vista Home Premium Upgrade, Vista Business full

version or the upgrade, Vista Enterprise or Enterprise Upgrade, Vista 32 bit or 64 bit for

System builders, Vista Ultimate Limited numbered signature edition. Customer: whoa! Which

one do you recommend? Helpdesk: Mac os x." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3599

"Just filmed a video about how you can get a better service than O2. It's called 2 Cups, 1 String."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3600

IPad: The iPod Touch for fat people's fingers. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3601

"Want to make a simple phone call? Sorry, there isn’t an app for that." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3602

"Apple's next overpriced & unnecessary product will be dedicated to those people who stand in

queues for hours just to get one... It's called the iDiot." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3603

"My iPod wouldn't connect to iTunes earlier. Left me with a horrible syncing feeling"

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3604

"If I leave my computer for a while, a picture of Sean Connery holding a razor comes on. It's my

screen saver." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3605

"Computer geeks. Hacking servers since 1989. The only box they'll ever penetrate." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3606

I've always wondered what would happen if i deleted my recycle bin... Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3607

"My girlfriend is an idiot. She says I play my Xbox too much because I named my headset;

'Mike'." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3608

Great, my book ran out of batteries. Stupid future Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3609

"What do submarines and Microsoft have in common? Try opening a Window." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3610

"Yes Apple, what I really wanted was a heavier, bigger version of my iPod, too big to fit in my

pocket, so that whenever I want to change tracks I have to open a briefcase, which I must carry

around all day every day. Thanks" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3611

Am I the only one who thinks it's funny that the new black Nintendo Wii needs a white

controller to make it work? Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3612

"The new Microsoft Windows adverts talk about “life without walls”. Frankly I'm not surprised -

walls provide the most basic form of security." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3613

A router goes into a doctor's office and says, "It hurts when IP." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3614

"The other day I was at my PC and I had a brain wave. So I emailed Microsoft, and the new

Windows 7 now has a spell checker. I’m Gordon Brown, and Windows 7 Was my idea."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3615

"I see Apple are supposedly releasing an iPhone Mini, I'm just waiting for the iPhone shuffle that

calls random people." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3616

Having just released the iPad in the UK, Apple have announced the future release of the iPad

Nano: an iPad that will fit in your pocket and complete with a phone function. Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3617

"The games box said, “Needs Windows Vista, XP, or better”. So I installed Linux." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3618

Window popped up saying: 'Adobe reader is insecure....' WTF does it want ....... a cuddle?

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3619

CPR - the human equivalent of CTRL ALT DELETE Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3620

"Has predictive texting had a negative effect on standards of grammar? Defiantly." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3621

"I experienced an unexpected error on my iPhone today. It let me make a call." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3622

Apple are working on an electronic seeing device for the Navy, it's called the I Eye Captain.

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3623

"The iPad 2 has loads of great new features, but it's the two built in cameras that really set it

apart. They're just perfect for taking pictures of the now obsolete iPad I bought 3 months ago so I

can put it on eBay." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3624

"Clearing the history Keeping your wife and kids oblivious to your fetishes since windows 95."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3625

"I'm using the mouse with my left hand for a change. It feels like someone else is doing it."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3626

"I hope Apple have fixed that iPhone alarm bug. I've got to be up early on Monday." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3627

"3, 95, NT, 98, ME, XP, Vista and 7. Windows consequential listing doesn't seem to be

working." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3628

Apple have just announced that in order to increase sales of the new iPhone in America they're

re-branding it the pie phone. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3629

"No friends? There's an app for that." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3630

"And then there was the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees

and still died a virgin: Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it

herself. The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be. And the third

was in Tech Support, and kept saying “Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now....”" Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3631

"Apple has released a new app that allows iPhone users to greet each other. It's called the I Five."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3632

If you want to find a plane that's crashed into the sea - there's not an app for that. Unlucky

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3633

"Here's some Advice - don't open Windows Speech Recognition and Daft Punk's 'Technologic'

on your computer at the same time. I'm still sorting out the mess 2 weeks later." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3634

I don't like jokes about pointlessly small memory sticks one bit. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3635

"I'm sick of these pop-ups Windows keeps putting on my computer saying that my copy isn't

genuine. Don't you think I knew that when I downloaded it illegally?" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3636

"If you want to tell all of your friends, Family and colleagues that you're socially inept, attention

seeking, and a mindless zombie slave to the commercials and hype of one of the seemingly most

popular corporations on the planet.... ..There's an app for that." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3637

Anybody else notice that they sit on the toilet 10 minutes after they're done because they're busy

playing on their iPhones? Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3638

"My girlfriend's IPod Touch just came. Apparently, there's an App for everything." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3639

I don't think I got the job at Microsoft....They haven't responded to my telegram. Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3640

"I traded in my iPhone today for something useful. A life." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3641

When Apple update the software on one of their products do they call it an I Patch? Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3642

"So I hear the PS3 network was hacked and the online mode is shut down. Well CoD players,

this is what the sun looks like!" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3643

"Elderly couples. Just remember those 3 special words that still hold you together, the 3 special

words that you have used through thick and thin. Just remember those 3 special words... “Delete

Browsing History”" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3644

"I'm a government agent responsible for the snooping of ordinary citizens' computer and internet

habits by the state. And Windows 7 was my idea." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3645

"To be fair, 60p is not so expensive when you stop and think about it. You can send a letter to

anywhere in Britain and it will only take two or three days to arrive there. I mean, it's not as if

you can do that on your computer.....for free.....in seconds." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3646

"So, to cut a long story short, it turns out that according to Microsoft's Legal Department,

Windows 7 wasn't my idea..." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3647

"I don't get along with people who have X-Box's We just don't Kinect." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3648

"I feel bad searching for a new laptop on my current one. It's like telling your wife of many years

to find you a sleek, younger version of herself that offers a better all-round performance."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3649

"I've yet to see Adobe Acrobat do any tricks. I'm very disappointed." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3650

Failure is not an option,... it comes standard with Windows. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3651

"On a scale of 1 to 10.... ... How much binary do you use?" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3652

"I went for a job at PC World today out of desperation. The interviewer said, “What do you

know about Computers?” I said, “Not much - I can just about switch them on and off, ha ha!” I

didn't get the job - overqualified." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3653

"An Italian engineer has been kidnapped in Nigeria. Demands have been sent via email to his

Family, but they were just marked as spam." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3654

"Our local vicar insists on giving sermons with the aid of his computer. We end up sitting in

church for hours because he's so slow. I think we need a new service provider." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3655

"Today, I was looking for my iPod. When I found it, the first song to come on shuffle was 'You

Found Me' by The Fray. Well played iPod, well played." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3656

Does anyone else here think that it's too much of a coincidence that Windows 8 is set to be

launched in 2012? Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3657

I've just been fixing my sons computer when I got a shock off the processor. It mega Hz.

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3658

"My new girlfriend was not at all impressed when she saw my fourteen incher. I suppose it is a

rather small television." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3659

"My computer keeps crashing. Must be the driver." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3660

Hi, I'm a woman, so Windows 7 couldn't possibly have been my idea. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3661

Auto correct can go to he'll. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3662

If Windows 7 was my idea, why do I have to pay for it? Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3663

"My mate told me he can touch type “sixty words per minute.” But he has to type every other

phrase normally." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3664

"So, today Wikipedia is blocking access to free information in protest against the blocking of

access to free information? God bless America." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3665

A computer geek comes back to hotel reception with the key from room 404 and says: 'Room not

found'. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3666

"I think Steve Jobs was asking for it in truth. With the amazing GPS feature on the iPhone 4, it

wasn't going to take the grim reaper much effort to find him." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3667

"Why do people buy Apple Macs? They keep on breaking Windows." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3668

After careful consideration I've decided I’m giving up using autocorrect on my iPhone for Kent.

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3669

“"Intel launches tablet processor”. Now we even have a PC term for drug dealer." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3670

"My wife said to me “Would you run into a burning building to save me?” “Of course I would” I

replied. “The batteries for my Xbox aren't going to find themselves”" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3671

"I bought a smArt phone the other day. It was wearing a tuxedo and a bow tie." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3672

"Ctrl + B that’s a bold move." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3673

“"I'm a PC and I'm eight-and-a-half years old.” I didn't find Microsoft's new ad too clear. I

always thought a PC was a 'personal computer', not a 'provocative child'?" Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3674

"I recently made a car out of windows. But it crashed." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3675

Apple will now offer a free iPhone case for all iPhone users. It's not going to help reception, but

it protects the iPhone after you throw it against the wall. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3676

My PC is so slow this morning, I swear if it had a tongue it would lick the screen. Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3677

"A local Apple store was burgled for over 10k of merchandise. Police remain hopeful they can

find and return both Computers." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3678

I hate my iPhone always auto correcting my swear words...piece of shut. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3679

"How do you change your phone to a jukebox? Phone Virgin Media's help line" Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3680

Understanding abbreviations - there's an app for that. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3681

I'm dating a hacker. She keeps sending me raunchy pictures of myself. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3682

"Sitting here, playing FIFA 11, before the night of the exam that will decide my entire future. I

just can't help but not feeling ashamed with myself... I really should have bought FIFA 12 by

now." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3683

As my plane flew through the clouds, I started to get nervous. What if we hit all that data people

are storing up here now? Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3684

"So, the new Microsoft adverts shows a man using the 'In Private' mode to search for jewelry.

All you cynical people out there thinking that it would never be used this way. In fact, I spent

much of the day looking for pearl necklaces...." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3685

"Wish my friends were more like 'Google'. It never judges me, no matter what I ask it to do."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3686

"So the iPad is out in the UK now great! If only there was a more dense version that I could put

in my pocket and take it with me everywhere I go." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3687

"I have just lost my job as a Spiderman impersonator. At least I have my skills as a web

developer to fall back on." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3688

"I can hack into any computer. All I need is an axe." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3689

"IT support: “Did you try turning it off and on again?” “It's half-way successful.” “What do you

mean?” “It won't turn on again!”" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3690

"Technology these days, eh? The latest bit of kit my grandma got was acting up earlier and

making weird noises, so I tried the good old 'turning it on and off again' method, and when that

didn't work, I decided to open the plug up with a bread knife, to check the fuse. I almost had the

plug open too, until doctors wrestled me away from the life support machine." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3691

"My computer froze the other day. That's why I've just bought it some mittens and a woolly hat."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3692

"The other day, my mate asked me what I thought of Internet Message boards... I said I'm all

Forum" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3693

"I was surprised when I read that it is predicted that Americans will spend $1.8 billion on mobile

devices in 2015, and decided that those figures can't be correct... I'm sure apple will sell more

than 4 iPhones." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3694

"I found my old Nokia 3310 in a drawer today. It brought back so many fond memories of all the

cool features it had, that you just don't get on phones these days. Like Snake, polyphonic

ringtones, and reception." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3695

TomTom GPS - The only way to receive orders from a women. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3696

"Daughter- iPod. Son- iPhone. Mom- iPad. Dad- I Pay!" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3697

"My Dad had just come back from America, I met him at the airport and he said, “I picked you

this up from the plane, it’s one of them iPads” I was amazed and so happy, until he handed me a

bag and said, “you know they go over your eyes and help you sleep”" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3698

I'm not saying my Sat Nav isn't up to date but when I took my car on the cross channel ferry it

kept warning- "Here there be monsters". Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3699

"What does the new iPad and my 2 day old son have in common. The both failed a drop test."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3700

"My friend recommended I install Windows on my computer to make it run faster. I tried but it

doesn't seem faster. Well at least now I can see right through It." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3701

My phone kept trying to sell me useless duty free watches, perfume and Toblerone. Turns out I

had it on airplane mode. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3702

"I run a Linux based operating system. That means I get laid as often as I have to reboot my

computer." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3703

I just figured out what scroll lock does. You see that light by caps lock? Well, it turns on when

you press it! Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3704

"Windows 7 good for virus blocking history deleting and you can use it easily with one hand

what are they expecting of us?" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3705

"I only wanted Adobe to be able to open pdfs. I had no idea they wanted a relationship. They

won't stop emailing me." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3706

"I just got a Samsung Galaxy. So much smoother than the LG Chocolate." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3707

"My mate works at an aquarium. The screensaver on his laptop is people walking around an

office filing stuff." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3708

I had Windows M.E but I couldn't be bothered to use it... Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3709

"What do you get when you cross an encyclopedia with a homeless person? A personal appeal

from Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3710

"I heard Apple are introducing a new product specifically for cats and dogs. It's called iAms."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3711

"My smArtphone got me into trouble yesterday. I was at my daughter’s playgroup when one of

the mums said: “What's that in your pocket?” “I have a Desire.” was probably not the best

response. Nor was showing them the Red Tube app. And my list of favourites." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3712

"Nintendo managers have had a terrible year. They haven't picked up enough coins, therefore

will not get their bonus." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3713

"So there is a huge power cut across India, over 300 million people affected directly... Are they

including those of us who can't call for tech support?" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3714

"My laptop stopped working when I left it in direct sunlight I blame windows" Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3715

“"Volt gun disguised as Nokia phone delivers 1.2million volts” Can't be as shocking as an

iPhone reception" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3716

"Got lost in the woods earlier. Thank god I had my smArtphone. I would have been well bored

waiting 11 hours for someone to walk past and find me without the internet." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3717

3DHD TV - For fat nerds who believe they can see the Difference. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3718

IPhone user: "... by the way if my phone cuts off it's because I've run out of battery. I've only got

84% left." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3719

"I told my daughter I would buy her the new Apple product for her birthday. iLied." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3720

There's a new iPhone Karaoke app. Apple have finally created the most annoying person to ever

sit next to you on a train. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3721

My granddad doesn't do well with Technology. I bought him a digital frame and now he's

starting to think he has Alzheimer's. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3722

"I created an amazing new iPad app that would instantly turn its user into a pretentious douche.

Apple rejected it, saying it duplicated core functionality." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3723

"I've invented a new phone called the 'Eye Phone'. It can only store one contact." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3724

The win has definitely been put back into windows Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3725

"Today I played Snooker with a friend but he was useless. Wouldn't even let me put chalk on his

head." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3726

"Sarah, I don't write on your Facebook wall so you can comment on it. I write on your wall so

you will write back on mine and make me seem more popular. Work with me here. Mark"

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3727

"Has anyone seen the interactive 'stop knife crime' advert at the bottom left corner of the

Windows Live Messenger contacts page, where you can pick up the knife by scrolling over the

picture? The hand is black. surprise surprise..." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3728

I was telling my parents all about my project to build my own computer the other day. I went

into lots of detail about all the different parts and components and my dad was really interested,

but it just made my motherboard. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3729

I don't see all the fuss, people in Ballymena reckon they've already had iPads for several years

now. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3730

I have put an Apple in a Bap. That's how I Roll Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3731

Apple are to rebrand their iPhone 4 as an "iPad Mini" after Trade Descriptions took issue with

the "phone" element of the current name. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3732

“"Computer says Nooo” Unless you have windows Vista, in which case it says “Not

responding”" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3733

"I was watching the gadget show on Dave the other day. I must say I’m looking forward to the

PlayStation 3 but I’m skeptical about this touchscreen Technology the keep going on about!"

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3734

"IPhone users: todays the day you get to upgrade to version 3.0! You finally get to copy & paste

from sick & use up your free texts on your one & only friend!" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3735

"Been working like a Trojan all day. Went through everyone's computer at work." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3736

"When the old Windows stopped working the “blue screen of death” appeared. Windows spotted

the problem, and with new Windows 7 it turns black." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3737

"News: 'Shot Policeman Is Critical'. Perhaps he should go and see my mate Tony, he can fix any

PC for just 50." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3738

PC world have just announced that due to a sudden rush of orders, F5 keys for PCs will be out of

stock until mid-July when the next shipment is due to arrive from China. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3739

You know you spend too much time on your computer when you type com after every full

stop.com Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3740

According to those in the know, the new iPhone's camera is so snazzy, it actually filters out poor

people ... Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3741

"I've made a bid to take over e-bay. I won't know anything for 4 days 17 hours." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3742

A while ago in history we were talking about technological advances. Someone brought up the

fact that kids as young as 4 are getting things like iPhone. My teacher replied "good god they

can’t even count!". Another student quickly replied "there's an app for that". Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3743

"So I was in my bedroom using my laptop and I thought “How about I resell my previous

product with a different name?” I'm a PC and Windows 7 was my idea..." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3744

I'm Windows 7, and the T-600 was my idea. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3745

"I finally found a cure for my insomnia this morning. I just sat outside the Apple store for half an

hour counting sheep." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3746

Isn’t it funny how 'fat' on predictive text comes up as ‘eat’? Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3747

Students arrested for hacking Call of Duty? Should have had Scrambler Pro. Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3748

"My mate told me that he reckoned he played over 150 hours of online games a week, “Wow!” I

replied He then said: “No, run escape.”" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3749

Apples response to Numberous complaints: The iPology Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3750

"Did you know that the Bluetooth mobile headset was invented by a German man? Hans Free."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3751

"They say the Kindle Fire is the first tablet that allows you to communicate with the cloud. I

found I was able to communicate with both clouds and rainbows using LSD." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3752

"A hypersonic jet is being developed in America. The good news is it will be able to fly from

America to the UK in one hour. The bad news is it'll be full of Yanks" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3753

“"Microsoft launch Windows 7 mobile” I'm glad that wasn't my idea." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3754

We all know who to blame if Windows 7 fails Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3755

What’s does the new iPhone 4.0 and me have in common? We both get a terrible reception when

we get turned on at funerals. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3756

Apple are the only company that would make a device that needs gloves to hold it so it works

properly, but if you wear gloves you can’t use it properly. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3757

"I had trouble getting onto my website earlier so I called my mate who was an IT technician.

“Have you tried disabling cookies?” he said. “Well I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man...”"

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3758

"Tech support: What version of windows do you have installed? Me: Double glazed."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3759

"An experienced motor vehicle mechanic is instructing an apprentice in the basic principles of

the trade: “Now, open the bonnet and look inside. Adopt a puzzled expression and shake your

head slowly ...”" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3760

I live in constant fear that one of my applications will suddenly test me on the Terms &

Conditions I claim to have read. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3761

Some sources say that over 80% of desktop Computers are infected with a virus called Windows.

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3762

"I just don’t understand, when I put an ad in the newspaper about meeting hot, single girls in my

area, there’s absolutely no reply. But as soon as I go online, there's absolutely hundreds that are

ready for me to meet them? I just don’t get it." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3763

"There's only one reason I use in private browsing and I think a lot of men do the same..... By

surprising your wife with an expensive necklace from the jewelers." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3764

You know your computer is a Vista when your problem solver needs to be problem solved.

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3765

"Apparently the Sickipedia iPhone app will soon be updated to allow iPhone users to login, vote

and add Jokes. I hope they remember to add that little “Posted via my iPhone” For no particular

reason of course." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3766

"My wife is leaving me because apparently I'm not 'man enough'. Well at least now, I will get my

turn on the PlayStation." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3767

"Barack Obama, David Cameron and Bill Gates are called to a meeting by God about the future.

“I have given you the chance to help change the world and you have failed, tell your people the

world will end in 2 weeks” God announced. Barack Obama said, “I have good news and bad

news, the good news is God exists but the bad news is we will die in 2 weeks”. David Cameron

said, “I have bad news and really bad news, the bad news is God is angry and the really bad news

is he will destroy us in 2 weeks” Bill Gates said, “I have good news and great news, the good

news is that God thinks I am one of the most powerful men in the world, the great news is we

don't have to fix the new windows bug”" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3768

"I see Sickipedia is being condemned in the news again for users posting Jokes about Liam Gill

hours after his death. Even the media is complaining about database latency now." ComputersTechnology

Joke Number. 3769

My new iPhone's kinda like my girlfriend... I use it, then lock it away in a box. Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3770

"Just been banned from Xbox live. Apparently when playing Jewish people it’s against the rules

to start shouting in German and to only use smoke grenades." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3771

"I and my mates are starting an AC/DC tribute band. We're gonna be called the Half Wave

Rectifiers." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3772

Bebo has been shut down. Tens of people will miss it. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3773

"A US soldier kills and injures troops at an American military base. I guess the wait for Modern

Warfare 2 was a little too much." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3774

"I'm not bill gates. And windows 8, 9, and 10 are my idea. Up yours Microsoft, see you in court."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3775

"I don't know why I used to be scared of Computers. It's not like they byte." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3776

"The iPad 2 is a vast improvement on the original. Now you can't play Flash based content twice

as fast as before." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3777

"Want to ruin a good thing by overpopulating it with old or recycled jokes posted by

newcomers? There's an app for that." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3778

Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a

man to the moon. We launch a bird into pigs. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3779

"Three days ago my girlfriend asked me what I wanted for my birthday. 'Easy' I replied. 'Sky

rim. It's what everyone is talking about.' Now three days later, as I'm bent over a plane toilet in a

tiny cubicle, 20,00ft in the air, I can't help but feel I should have elaborated a bit more..."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3780

I like my women like I like my HTML... accessible and compliant Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3781

"I was debating the colour I'll have on my new computer. If I get white, it will work harder. But

if I get black, it will run faster..." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3782

"I've just bought a new Dell laptop... When I switch it on it calls me a 'Plonker'." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3783

I wonder if 60 years from now, robots will go to nightclubs and get a huge kick out of doing

"The Human". Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3784

"News Headline: “US Air Force combines 1,760 PlayStation 3 consoles to create super

computer” ...another thing you can't do on an Xbox." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3785

Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're all

panicking over who's going to be deleted. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3786

"400 miles away from Rio de Janeiro over the Atlantic Ocean with a major electrical on board

failure? Sorry, there really isn't an app for that. Best regards iPhone Software Development

Team" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3787

When I first met my wife it wasn't exactly love at first sight... Neither of us had a webcam.

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3788

"Sickipedia stand-up night. Isn't that gonna make it uncomfortable for everyone to reach their

keyboards?" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3789

Am I the only person who didn't come up with the idea of Windows 7? Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3790

"Please make sure your fingers are aligned to the keyboard correctly whilst talking to prospective

employers. You don't want to be telling them about your previous HIV" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3791

"Apparently R1 + L1 + quArter circle on the right stick is the right combination to get a girls bra

off, thank you Heavy Rain However this also rips eyes from Cyclops so this could lead to

potentially terrible dates, or worrying encounters with Cyclops'." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3792

"There are only 49 achievements on Halo 3 they say the 50th is having your girlfriend dump

you" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3793

"I'm a PC, and Windows 7 was my idea... So I'm suing them." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3794

"I just bought the Swiss version of Call of Duty. It's strange, I can only do the training mission..."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3795

I'm an idiot and installing Windows 7 on my computer was my idea... Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3796

"What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding a Trojan horse in your PC."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3797

"The Nokia N8. What will you do with it? Use it as a phone maybe?" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3798

"A system administrator has only two problems... Dumb Users and SmArt Users" Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3799

"After 15 pints my standards drop and I end up doing internet searches for ugly women. Beer

Google’s eh." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3800

"Apparently Sky rim was getting rather popular in South East Asia, It was, however, until it took

an arrow Indonesia." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3801

"I've just found a hardcore fetish website exclusively for people who like fatties, ugliest and

gingers! datingdirect.com" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3802

Some guys tried to steal my iPod touch off of me last night. Thankfully they left me alone after I

told them it was an iPhone. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3803

"I've seen the leaked Scarlett Johansson photos, and honestly, I'm disgusted. A measly 2

megapixels, in this day and age?" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3804

"Video Game Developer Award. Even if you're a winner, you're still a loser." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3805

"My mate's computer stores too many cookies. It must be a Dell." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3806

I've been dating a robot girlfriend, on and off Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3807

Yes windows, because I will be using that feature to hide 'buying my wife an engagement ring'

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3808

"I have a blackberry and an apple, both on orange. Amazing fruit balancing skills don't you

think?" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3809

"Apple are to release a new logo which “accurately describes their relationship with their

customers”. It's called the icon." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3810

"Twitter; The only Bird I'm going to tell about my day." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3811

"My wife said that she wants to spend some quality time with me tonight. So I'm going to have

my Xbox headset on mute this evening." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3812

"Madeira: Current death toll of raging torrent rises to 42. I don't see why they didn't just use

Pirate Bay." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3813

"I've just doubled the efficiency and trebled the capacity of my laptop. I deleted Windows."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3814

"Just bought CoD: North Korean Edition Even when I lose, it still says I won." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3815

"I don't know why all these gamers are in the news, moaning about PS3 and now Nintendo being

hacked. Back in the day I once hacked my ZX Spectrum, and got infinite lives on Chuckie Egg.

It was awesome." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3816

"Surfing the internet without a decent antivirus is like walking through a black neighborhood

wearing a Klan mask. Believe me, I tried both." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3817

"Twitter; Making it easier than ever to stalk and kill Z list celebrities." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3818

"This girl my friend knows (we'll call her the dog sitter) was looking after a dog for another

friend while she was on holiday. During this period the dog unfortunately died. The dog sitter

phoned the vets and informed them and asked what to do. They told her to bring the dog in to the

vets. The vets was fairly far away in Liverpool Street, London. And the dog sitter doesn't drive.

She looked round the house for something to put the dog in and ended up choosing a suitcase!

She then headed on to the underground with the dead dog in the suitcase. When finally arriving

at Liverpool Street station trying to get this bag up the stairs she was offered some help. The guy

was surprised how heavy it was and asked what was inside... She just said bits from unit, laptops,

jewelry etc. When they got to the top of the stairs he ran off with the suitcase!" Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3819

"Good looks, success, charm, wit, youth, charisma. For everyone else, there's 'MasterCard'"

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3820

Why pay the normal price for a computer, when you can pay twice as much and get a picture of

an apple on it? Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3821

I'm still a virgin by choice, so I can play World of Warcraft. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3822

"Study: Half of all seniors now use the internet. I read that when my gran sent the entire story to

me in the subject line of an email." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3823

"Language is a constantly evolving thing. For instance, the sentence “Omg, they have an fml

app! wtf?” did not exist a year ago. In reality, it probably shouldn't exist now either." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3824

"I sent an error report. Windows 7 was my idea." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3825

I heard about a new game coming out on the 9th of November, I think it's called 'AfricanAmerican

Ops'. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3826

If Facebook ever shut down, you'd see people roaming the streets shoving pictures in people’s

faces screaming "Do you like this?! DO YOU?!" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3827

"O'Sullivan keeps losing at his own snooker app... The iRonnie." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3828

I just checked the clock but it said 4:04 'Time not found' Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3829

"My wife has an iPhone, my daughter has an iPod, my son has an iPad and me... iPad."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3830

"Sky News: Briton 'Ran Social Nework Site for Paedos' Or “Sickipedia,” as we like to call it"

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3831

"Kinect for Xbox 360. Because real Exercise just isn't virtual enough" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3832

"So the faulty I-phone 4 model is being recalled. I was unaware anyone had managed to call one

in the first place." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3833

Next time I'm on a job interview and they ask my accomplishments, I'm going to say "don't know

if you know this, but Windows 7 was my idea". Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3834

"A friend and I were discussing how much Technology was advancing these days when he said

“Soon we'll be downloading water from the tap”. “Well it's already in sync” I replied."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3835

You know it’s bad when even spellcheck doesn’t have a suggestion Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3836

"My brother refuses to work these days. I should get a new printer." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3837

Just ate a virtual pizza, finished it in 4 Bytes. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3838

Tom-Tom have thought of everything. Not only is there a map showing you which way to go,

but there are also voice directions so that blind drivers know which way to go. Especially the

ones in BMW's. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3839

I thought I was sick making jokes about the Ethiopian aero plane, but then the Sickipedia website

comes along and trumps me by doing an impression of it. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3840

I always feel like I'm getting tested for STDs when I run a virus scan on my computer.

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3841

"I helped the guy next door set up his new wireless broadband yesterday - he hasn't got a clue

about Computers. It's really quick though, we're both pleased with it." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3842

"Just bought one of those cheap knock off iPhones from a site in china for 100 quid. Don't care

what you say the Samsung galaxy looks alright." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3843

"To be honest, I can't see why everyone's so surprised. When was the last thing anything with

“black” in it worked?" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3844

I bet Gaddafi regrets allowing his iPhone to use his current location. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3845

"My wife thinks that I've become a computer nerd and we've got nothing in common. I need to

diagnose our connection problem." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3846

"It's my 30th birthday tomorrow. I'm completely unknown and have never accomplished

anything. I have no job and no prospects. Looking forward to seeing what Google has planned

for me though." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3847

"A Chinese teenager sold a kidney to buy an iPad2. Sounds like a bargain they usually cost an

arm and a leg" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3848

"Wikipedia has a fantastic business model. They fool people into donating money claiming to

help keep the site free." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3849

"I like my women like I like my Xbox. Dead with a red ring." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3850

Governments that try to censor the Internet are SO Pathetic. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3851

When IT technicians get married, instead of saying 'I do' they say 'I accept the Terms &

Conditions'. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3852

Tumbler - A website for teenage girls to express their individuality and uniqueness by posting

things that other people have created, also posted by thousands of other teenage girls.

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3853

Sickipedia, bringing you 20 world cup jokes followed by an off-topic joke from a ginger.

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3854

"IPhone 4: This Changes Everything. Again. I think i liked it better when i could actually make a

call" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3855

They have internet on Computers now? Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3856

"BBC NEWS: Chinese teenager 'sells kidney to buy iPad and iPhone' .... Daft bastered he should

have just done a survey!" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3857

RIP Mega video. We will mourn you for 72 minutes, wait 30 minutes, and then mourn you

again. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3858

“"Coronation Street star Bill Roaches: I've slept with 1000 women” I don't find that so amazing.

I'm more surprised that he knows binary." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3859

"My girlfriend tried an IPad at weekend. Said it wouldn’t fit in her knickers properly. I’ve told

her to stick to tampax in future." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3860

Have you ever stepped on an oscillator? It hurts. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3861

"I came home from work today and my wife said, “I think I've exceeded my bandwidth.” “Don't

worry love,” I replied, “I'll buy you a larger skirt tomorrow.”" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3862

You know you're old when an etch-a-sketch is easier to use than an iPad. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3863

"Notice how there is no option in the relationship box for “happily married” on Facebook-edit-

Notice how there is no Facebook." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3864

"PlayStation move A wii remote with a purple bell end" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3865

"Mobile internet - Trebling the time of toilet breaks at work since 2004." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3866

A Swedish comedian just made fun out of Steve Jobs, saying that he was going to have an

interactive tombstone called die Pad. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3867

The battery on my new iPhone 4S is just ter.... Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3868

"I bought a robotic chauffeur who runs entirely on Windows. He's a software driver."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3869

"I've just bought a new hard drive for my computer, but I've come to realize that the instruction

manuals are getting more and more complicated nowadays. I mean, I just don't know that many

languages." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3870

Breaking News!!! Manchester City release new web browser that claims to be the safest in the

world........ Having no history to delete at all. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3871

What did one O2 customer say to the other? Nothing Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3872

"This year saw Apple Inc. become the richest company in the world. It is rumored that they now

have so much money that they can even afford to buy one of their own laptops." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3873

"What scares old people as it approaches? The Digital Switchover." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3874

A 17 year old boy in China has sold his kidney so he could get the money to buy an iPad 2.

That's a high price to pay... considering the iPad was made by his 5 year old brother. Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3875

The Modern day irony: The "My Music" & "My Videos" folders on your PC contain none of

'your' music or videos. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3876

We're FIFA, and no Technology was our idea! Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3877

"I was messing around on the laptop earlier when the wife started tutting and moaning. “What’s

up with you?” I said. “You've been Tweeting away on that computer all day,” she scoffed, “I've

never seen the fascination with Twitter.” “That'll be because your entire life isn't interesting

enough to fill 140 characters.” I replied." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3878

"Capitalism sucks! Sent via iPhone." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3879

"It's pretty stupid how cats will just play with the same toy over and over as if it might do

something new... ...Hold on, gotta check my iPhone." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3880

"I just read an Article about a school in Botswana where the teachers would savagely beat their

pupils if they got an answer wrong. That's nothing! At my old school we had to use Internet

Explorer." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3881

"Mark Zuckerberg turns 28 today. Winklevoss twins would like to point out that they already

turned 28 first." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3882

Did it really take all that extra staff at the Nat West a whole weekend to turn the computer on &

off? Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3883

Conversation between a man looking round a computer shop and a salesman: Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3884

"Getting the Grim Reaper on your side. There's an app for that." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3885

"The way I motivate myself for work is to set my screensaver as photos of my ex-girlfriends. I

never stop working for more than 4 minutes and 59 seconds." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3886

"Sky have brought out a new version of their HD box that saves energy by going into standby

mode after 12 hours. It's called a Sky Tasman Archer Box or “sleeping satellite” as the engineers

like to call It." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3887

"Like many others, I have been affected badly by the O2 problems this week. It's slightly worse

for me though, because I'm an astronaut." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3888

"My wife works from home on the computer and she's getting pretty fat. So the next time she left

the house..... I deleted all her cookies." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3889

"I work in Tech support for a computer company, if I was a mechanic, most of the conversations

would go like this. Customer: My car isn't working and I need you to fix it immediately, this is

an emergency Mechanic: Alright sir what seems to be the problem? Customer: I don't know, I

tried to use my car on Friday and it didn't work, now it's Monday and I need to get to work and I

can't and this needs to be fixed right now. Mechanic: Can you start the car? Can you even get

into your car? Does it make any sounds when you try to start it? Are all 4 tires there? Customer: I

don't know, I don't know what any of that stuff means, I tried to get to work and it wouldn't let

me and you need to fix it now because you changed my oil 6 months ago. Mechanic: Alright

well what kind of car are you driving? Customer: I don't know, a green one why does that

matter? Mechanic: Please take a look at the back of your car and see if there are any letters or

numbers that would indicate a vehicle model or manufacturer Customer: Ok, my car is a SV2

87K. Mechanic: No sir that's your license plate. My records indicate that you drive a Nissan

Altima, can you confirm that the key you're using to try and get into this car says Nissan on it?

Customer: My key says Lexus but I don't see how that makes a Difference, I've been using this

key on this car for years and it's always worked, what did you do to my car?" Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3890

Every time I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons makes me think they're panicking

over who's getting the chop next. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3891

"Got myself a smArtphone last week, it's brilliant. It turns itself off when the wife rings."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3892

The toughest thing about getting a new phone is teaching it all my swear words. Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3893

"I just sent my Gran a dirty joke. “PMS!” she replied “Don't you mean PMSL Nan?” i asked....

“No, it's the incontinence kicking in again!”" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3894

"I just added Bigfoot as a friend on Facebook. He really needs a clearer profile picture."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3895

"I finally decided to get rid of all the people that constantly send me Farmville requests on

Facebook. My wife was fuming when I blocked all 6 of her accounts." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3896

"If you want to know how much the iPhone has put you in debt, there’s an app for that."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3897

“"If you can see what I can see, you would have the Samsung Galaxy S”... Should have gone to

Spec savers." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3898

"So I was lying in bed with my girlfriend last night, when I decided to 'check-in' using my

Facebook app. It was then that I saw, so had 29 others." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3899

I am addicted. I bought the iPhone, iPad, iTouch... Now iBroke, iHomeless and iRegret.

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3900

iOS 5 update "Improves voice recognition for Australian users using dictation". I imagine

Glaswegian is light years away. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3901

My wife said she's leaving me today because of my obsession with modern warfare 3. Let's see if

she can get past the claymore at the front door Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3902

"The Royal Air Force develops a new fighter jet. It is very fast, extremely agile and more or less

the perfect aircraft. Only one problem occurs time and again - the wings keep breaking off. No

matter what the engineers try, they fail to solve the problem. The Ministry of Defense offers a

special prize of 100,000 to anyone who can find a solution. Among the thousands of submissions

is a letter from Mrs. Brenda White, 70, of Grimsby. She recommends applying perforations to

the points where the wings keep breaking off. All the experts have a good laugh at old Brenda

and try out the other suggested solutions first, but none of them work. In the end, they perforate

the wings at the points where they otherwise break off - and the wings stay intact! All the experts

are astonished and all of them want to know how old Brenda hit upon the idea for the solution.

When she comes to the Ministry to receive her prize, the Minister of Defense himself asks her

directly. “Well, you know,” says Brenda, “it's quite simple really. Has your toilet paper ever torn

at the perforations?”" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3903

"I just got a new job at Apple but I'm not allowed to use the staff car park. I think it’s because

I've got a flash car." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3904

"IPhone 4 S" - Sorry, iPhone for WHAT!?... Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3905

"I used to get confused by Skyrim... But then I took a banana to the forehead." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3906

"My mate turned to me and said “-I feel empty and uninteresting, as if I have nothing to

contribute to the world. I don’t know what to do.” “Update your Facebook status!” I suggested."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3907

"All female athletes racing in London 2012 have been given free Sat Navs So they can find the

finish line" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3908

"Apple have announced that they have come up with a new idea for iPad owners who thought the

iPhone was too small. An iTest." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3909

"Want to plan your route through a forest infested with poisonous bees, whilst half naked and

having to carry the stripper you got knocked up the night before because you're trying to escape

from the man-eating beaver humming the pink panther theme tune? There's an App for that."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3910

Blackberry is now as useful as a Nokia 5110, BUT! Without Snake..... Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3911

"Blame Europe for these ridiculous new laws about websites using cookies... But surely it's the

Americans' fault no-one calls them by their proper English name, biscuits." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3912

"So Microsoft say they'll fix the red ring for free for three years after purchase. Anyone got a box

big enough for a 9 year old?" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3913

"I had my first computer lesson today. It wasn't bad but I spent the first 20 mins putting the

letters in the right order." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3914

"When my PC was taken away for repair, the company said they'd send me something to replace

it while it was being fixed. I should probably cleared my browsing history, because the next day

they sent me a copy of “Barely Legal”." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3915

He who laughs last... just got the joke on T-Mobile. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3916

Because I don't work and I sit around playing computer games all day I balance the feelings of

guilt and shame by playing 'Career Mode' between the hours of 9.00am - 5.00pm Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3917

I'm sad that videos have been replaced, I used to love saying to people, just before going out,

"I'm just gonna use my head cleaner". Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3918

When my friends on Facebook make Status' about how annoyed/angry/upset they are i like to

make sure I let them know where they've gone wrong with their grammar. Just to see the

reaction. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3919

Argh! Has anyone managed to shoot 5 iPads? Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3920

"Tipped my Facebook addicted mate over the edge last night. I liked the link instead of the

picture." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3921

"Problems being a single loser? There's a cat for that" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3922

"What do you call someone who owns an iPhone? It doesn’t matter, they won’t answer."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3923

"Blackberry Messenger is out of action again... That server goes down more than my Mrs."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3924

"Added my first friend on Facebook- my mum. Now I can change my relationship status!"

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3925

"Just finished watching the video of Colonel Gaddafi and it’s safe to say that I am disgusted.

240p render quality, I mean I knew the rebels where under equipped but jeeez.." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3926

"Was asked the question today..... “What’s the biggest icons of the 21st century?” “Phone, Pad &

Pod” Wasn’t the answers they were looking for!" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3927

"I've just had a go of a remote control car that used to be a computer console. It was a Mega

Drive." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3928

Have you seen match.com? There are literally thousands of average looking women to choose

from. I feel like a kid in a broccoli shop. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3929

"IN THE NEWS: Peter Sutcliffe has been selling copies of CD's and MP3s in Prison to his

inmates. It seems there is no end to the Yorkshire Ripper." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3930

Here's a question for all the philosophers out there. If something is listed on page 2 of a google

search, does it really exist? Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3931

"I'll never be up to scratch with the computer age. In my day, you used Trojans to protect

yourself from viruses." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3932

"Miracles all around. Family members sitting back together People actually speaking to each

other over lunch and dinner 60% less driving accidents Police having to search for a new reason

to bust people.........\ It's amazing how a 3 day BB crash change the world" Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3933

"I sent someone the web address of a picture of red bull and sugar It was a hyperlink"

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3934

"I picked up a 99p copy of Avatar the other day. Compared to the 1080p version, the quality is

atrocious." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3935

Apparently Apple are bringing out a new computerized Goat... I Kid you not. ComputersTechnology

Joke Number. 3936

"I saw this great film at the weekend about cyber-bullying. I think it was called 'The Terminator'

or something." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3937

"I wanted to see the full picture. So I pressed F11." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3938

"It seems there's an addiction to iPhone. At least there's an app for that" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3939

"Microsoft's in private browsing <3 Empty browsing history used to be such a giveaway."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3940

Apple Inc. really is getting into everything these days, there’s the iPhone's, iPad's, iPod's etc...

now they are going to launch their own iED's... Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3941

"Apple is a Technology company, built on user experience and on harnessing the Internet. If you

are wondering what the joke is, try ordering an IPad 2 on-line..." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3942

"Some idiot knocked over my recycle bin today. Now there's icons all over my desktop."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3943

"How do you know a blondes been sending emails? Letters in the CD-ROM." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3944

I just bought the wife a new iPad. She said "Isn't modern Technology great nowadays, I can't

wait to use this I'm due on next week" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3945

Say what you like about the iPhone, even without Jobs it still works, Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3946

"I'm in a band called FAT32. We don't do more than three gigs at a time." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3947

"Diablo 3 is the hardest game I've ever played. I can't even make it past the log in screen."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3948

"Apparently Facebook shares are really expensive I felt like a cheapskate just liking photos now"

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3949

"After months of killing myself in the gym I emailed a photo of my new body to my girlfriend's

iPhone. She replied stating she was unable to view it. Turns out the definition wasn't high

enough." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3950

"I just noticed that to clear your history in IE8, you have to select the “Safety” tab. Who said

Microsoft didn't listen to their customers?" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3951

"With Windows 7, you can have 2 windows open at the same time! Well done, Microsoft. Apple

only invented that 10 years ago." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3952

"As I walked along the street tapping away on my 'iPad' someone said, “Get a life!” I said,

“Where do you download one of those from.......?”" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3953

"I've been working at iPhone support for years now. Off and on." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3954

"Typos are easily made. Especially if you're looking for mail order brides..." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3955

"C0RNF1AK3S ...That's a serial number." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3956

"High Definition: Available now in all dictionaries." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3957

“"Can I have a Big Mac please?” “Sir, you've got to be more specific than that.” said the Apple

salesman." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3958

"Apple have paired up with Voldemort, to release a new product that could catch on. It's called

the iBrowse." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3959

Got an iPhone? Turn it into a virtual Blackberry by enabling airplane mode. Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3960

"None of my Asian friends like the new iPhone. I keep trying to tell them it's got more than one

great new feature, but they just think its Siri......." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3961

"I used to like role playing Skyrim, but I've gone off it. Oh the arrow-knee" Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3962

I'm not sure I like the way Facebook lists all the local bike's exes in the "People you may know"

column. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3963

You know you spend too much time on the computer when your finger nails fit the groove of

your keys Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3964

"February 14th, Valentine’s day. Angry birds makes its debut on Facebook. Bit of a

coincidence." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3965

"My lifetime wish was to become a master of The Sims 3, but now I'm thinking of changing it.

First, however I need to save up 20,000 lifetime happiness." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3966

"You'd think that by now, with all the recent advances in Technology, someone would have

come up with some really good fake Loch Ness Monster evidence." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3967

"My new gadget arrived this morning. “What is it Dad?” my son asked as I opened the three foot

by three foot box, “A laptop or a desktop?”. “No son, it's just my free upgrade to the new Nokia”

I replied." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3968

"I got a horse racing App for my phone. You've got to train the horse Android it." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3969

New car, 32-inch television, iPhone and iPad - will make great presents for Christmas next year.

Cheers Susanna Reid Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3970

"I have a TV that picks up 6 channels. Its extra-terrestrial." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3971

"I thought I should let you all know that we've now changed the name of our band from 999MB

to 1023MB. Still haven't done a gig though." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3972

i.e.: is a good example of a bad browser. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3973

I have just tried to write on Christ's wall on Facebook but found his timeline doesn't go back

2000 years Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3974

"I've spent a fortune on iTunes. Every time I plug my iPod into my laptop I get that synching

feeling." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3975

"I've had a rollercoaster of a year in 2010. But I can't be bothered playing Theme Park

Rollercoaster all over again in 2011." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3976

I lost my new phone last night after a heavy drinking session, it’s so hard to find as it is the

world's smallest model, and all I’m left with is a pounding headache and this constant ringing in

my ears. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3977

"My kids always say that I'm out of date with Technology, so I popped down to Car phone

Warehouse..... I wish I hadn't bothered, they didn't have a single car phone in stock." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3978

"Gave my slow pc a reboot this morning. I kicked it twice this time round." Computers-

Technology

Joke Number. 3979

My PC displays a range of irritating warning messages, but this one about cookies really takes

the biscuit. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3980

“"Excuse me son, but do you know where the nearest payphone is?” “Ummm........1992”"

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3981

"Dry stone wall building... a grown man’s Tetris" Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3982

"I made Windows 7. I rang them up and told them OSX Leopard was better, so they copied It."

Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3983

"I never go on websites like chat roulette or omegle with my clothes on." Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3984

I'm so chuffed after buying my first ever smArtphone the other day. Don't remember changing

my service provider to "Connect your charger" though. Computers-Technology

Joke Number. 3985

"Definition of pressure: A wife, a mistress and a mortgage All one month late" Definitions

Joke Number. 3986

"What’s the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps

out in front of a woman driver." Definitions

Joke Number. 3987

Are tops of Mountains called 'The Summit' because no-one could think of a name for them?

Definitions

Joke Number. 3988

I suffer from aibohphobia-the fear of palindromes. Definitions

Joke Number. 3989

"Potent: A shelter for the smallest teletubby." Definitions

Joke Number. 3990

Avoidable: what a bullfighter tries to do. Definitions

Joke Number. 3991

Limousine - a collective noun for a group of slags. Definitions

Joke Number. 3992

"Understanding Marketing You see a fabulous girl at a party. You approach them and say, “I'm

fantastic in bed.” That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a

fabulous girl. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, “He's fantastic

in bed.” That's Advertising. You see a fabulous girl at a party. You approach them to get their

telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I'm fantastic in bed.” That's

Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a fabulous girl. You get up, straighten your clothes,

walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a

ride, and then say, “By the way, I'm fantastic in bed.” That's Public Relations. You're at a party

and see a fabulous girl. They walk up to you and say, “I hear you're fantastic in bed.” That's

Brand Recognition." Definitions

Joke Number. 3993

"If I had a billion pounds for every time I underestimated... I would be a millionaire." Definitions

Joke Number. 3994

Arachnoleptic fit - The frantic dance you perform just after you have walked through a spider's

web. Definitions

Joke Number. 3995

"What's the definition of perfect balance? A pregnant hunchback!" Definitions

Joke Number. 3996

Conscience - this silent voice, that tells you somebody could see you... Definitions

Joke Number. 3997

8.7328917415... The cube root of all evil... Definitions

Joke Number. 3998

Women are like a fine wine: when drunk, they are fantastic. Definitions

Joke Number. 3999

"Masturbation: A temporary solution to a permanent problem" Definitions

Joke Number. 4000

"Definition of Rapping: Poetry read aggressively by a black man." Definitions

Joke Number. 4001

Definition of pointless: Jobless people on Facebook updating their status to 'thank god it's

Friday'. Definitions

Joke Number. 4002

"What word, seven letters long, begins with “n”, has “n” in the middle, ends with “n” and stands

for constipation? “nnnnnnn!!”" Definitions

Joke Number. 4003

"What's the definition of cruelty? Walking into an orphanage at Christmas singing, “We Are

Family.”" Definitions

Joke Number. 4004

Did you know, if you took all of the obese people from England & all of the obese people from

America & put them in one place, that place would be Disneyland. Definitions

Joke Number. 4005

"Tesco backs cruelty to puppies... ...every little yelps." Definitions

Joke Number. 4006

Powernap (n) - when you fall asleep on someone who is weaker than you. Definitions

Joke Number. 4007

"What's the definition of an office dilemma? Having a raging hard on concealed only by your

desk when suddenly, the fire alarm goes off." Definitions

Joke Number. 4008

"The definition of irony: The one night you don't check under the bed for the bogeyman, he gets

you while your parents are out eating tapas. Hey, I resent being called the boogeyman"

Definitions

Joke Number. 4009

"What's the definition of gross? When you go down on a pregnant woman and something grabs

your tongue." Definitions

Joke Number. 4010

The definition of terror - When you message your girlfriend and hear your wife’s text tone.

Definitions

Joke Number. 4011

Miser. A hard person to live with, but makes a fine ancestor. Definitions

Joke Number. 4012

Algorithm (n) - a vice president's funky dance moves. Definitions

Joke Number. 4013

Nothing says you're a mute. Definitions

Joke Number. 4014

"Intermittent: (adj) where I went when it started to rain on my camping holiday." Definitions

Joke Number. 4015

"Rubbish - The stuff you throw away. Stuff - The rubbish you keep." Definitions

Joke Number. 4016

"What is the definition of impossible? Using all of your Rizla papers before the cardboard

packaging runs out." Definitions

Joke Number. 4017

I finally took my daughter's Advice and read the dictionary today, apparently no really does

mean no. Definitions

Joke Number. 4018

"Some really confident people say, 'Nothing is impossible' they clearly have not tried to staple

water to a tree!" Definitions

Joke Number. 4019

"Definition of a computer virus: They replicate quickly. Viruses use up valuable system

resources, slowing down the system as they do so. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your

hard disk. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and

systems. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow and the user

will buy new hardware. Does this then make windows a virus?" Definitions

Joke Number. 4020

If I were to make money out of thin air, it'd be fraud. If a bank does it, it's "credit" Definitions

Joke Number. 4021

"What's the definition of strain? Bite marks on the toilet door..." Definitions

Joke Number. 4022

"Tomorrow: (noun) the greatest labour saving device of today." Definitions

Joke Number. 4023

A badly timed high five is just a slap in the face. Definitions

Joke Number. 4024

I looked in an atlas and the world really is flat! Definitions

Joke Number. 4025

A pedantic horse trots into a bar... Definitions

Joke Number. 4026

Ethnic Cleansing..... Not to be confused with a showering black person. Definitions

Joke Number. 4027

"A book containing the meaning of 800,000 words has been completed by students and

professors at a university in Glasgow. They stopped after one of them found out the meaning of

the word “pointless”." Definitions

Joke Number. 4028

Anorexia- Making meals out of nothing Definitions

Joke Number. 4029

"Carpet: (noun) A friendly, furry animal; kept in your automobile." Definitions

Joke Number. 4030

Definition of irony: Being beaten to death by a first aid kit. Definitions

Joke Number. 4031

Foot (noun): Device used for finding Lego in the dark. Definitions

Joke Number. 4032

"I'm having difficulty finding motivation...but it must be in this dictionary somewhere."

Definitions

Joke Number. 4033

The man who invented verbs didn't really know what he was doing. Definitions

Joke Number. 4034

"The definition of false economy: I spent thirty quid on oysters to get my girlfriend in the mood

to swallow the same thing for nothing." Definitions

Joke Number. 4035

"What's the definition of ironic? Putting a Crime stoppers advert on Sickipedia." Definitions

Joke Number. 4036

"What do you call an epileptic lesbian? A vibrator." Definitions

Joke Number. 4037

"Observational Comedy. What’s that all about then?" Definitions

Joke Number. 4038

"I now know the feeling of having mixed emotions.... My Dad just informed me, he has Cancer

and “it's hereditary.”.... My Mum then tells me “he's not your Father!”" Definitions

Joke Number. 4039

Stockings: Basically tights with an al fresco eating area. Definitions

Joke Number. 4040

Enjoying my morning glory this morning when my mum walked in and said 'don’t u think it’s

time to get up', I think I gave the wrong answer when i looked at her all seductively and replied

'I’m already up darling'.......... Definitions

Joke Number. 4041

The definition of fear...waking from having your tooth filled to find knee prints on the armrests

of the dentist's chair. Definitions

Joke Number. 4042

"A new definition for Pole Position: Lying in the trees at the end of the track." Definitions

Joke Number. 4043

"What would you call the definition of surprise? Answer: A fart with a lump in it." Definitions

Joke Number. 4044

Forward slash (adj) - giving directions to the guns n roses guitarist. Definitions

Joke Number. 4045

Gastronomy is the science of using a telescope to watch fat people eating. Definitions

Joke Number. 4046

"I looked up the definition of “definition” today. It read, “Get a life”." Definitions

Joke Number. 4047

Pencils: for people who plan on making mistakes. Definitions

Joke Number. 4048

"I don't trust dictionaries. Nothing should have the power to define its own existence."

Definitions

Joke Number. 4049

Music: Ruins Babe station. Definitions

Joke Number. 4050

Trigonometry: its hype to b squared. Definitions

Joke Number. 4051

Parasites - What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Definitions

Joke Number. 4052

The definition of irony: Super nanny Jo Frost giving weight loss tips to parents about their kids.

Definitions

Joke Number. 4053

"I was watching this video where these black blokes were using a park to work out, it brought a

new meaning to “monkey bars”." Definitions

Joke Number. 4054

"I looked up “redirect” in the dictionary. It read, “See divert”." Definitions

Joke Number. 4055

"Free press: When your mum irons your trousers for you." Definitions

Joke Number. 4056

"My wife said I'm, “awfully pedantic” the other day. “The 'awfully' part isn't really necessary”, I

said." Definitions

Joke Number. 4057

"Midgets. So that even Dwarfs can feel useful" Definitions

Joke Number. 4058

"What do you call a fat man surrounded by several scantily-clad women? A plimp" Definitions

Joke Number. 4059

Football: Americans no good at it, invented their own version that no other country plays thus

they can’t be beaten at it! Definitions

Joke Number. 4060

"The REAL definition of irony. God giving women wisdom teeth." Definitions

Joke Number. 4061

"What's the definition of awkwardness? The Germans telling Podolsk to hit the showers."

Definitions

Joke Number. 4062

"What's the definition of irritating? **Complete this quick online survey to unlock the answer!

**" Definitions

Joke Number. 4063

Take me out - deal or no deal but with smellier boxes... Definitions

Joke Number. 4064

"I wrote a Darwinian style book on Asian evolution: “Thailand: The Origin of the 'He/She's”."

Definitions

Joke Number. 4065

Definition of Idiotic: A person who pays full price for a sofa. Definitions

Joke Number. 4066

Explain (n) - a former flying vehicle. Definitions

Joke Number. 4067

"Turf Wars the Irish version of snowball fights." Definitions

Joke Number. 4068

"Gynecologist" - A crack investigator. Definitions

Joke Number. 4069

"I asked my mate ''What does confidential mean?'' ''It's secret, keeping it to myself.'' He replied.

''I only asked you a question, you don’t have to be like that.''" Definitions

Joke Number. 4070

"The reason I go on Facebook. Maximum Respect for the British Army... Many who like

Cadbury Crème Egg like this? Enough said." Definitions

Joke Number. 4071

DIVORCE: Future tense of marriage. Definitions

Joke Number. 4072

Worship (n) - a Geordie's boat. Definitions

Joke Number. 4073

"I looked up “baffling” in the dictionary. The definition though was confusing..." Definitions

Joke Number. 4074

"Awkward: when someone stops you in the street for directions an you end up walking the same

way next to each other" Definitions

Joke Number. 4075

"Dilapidated: The ability to perform huge throw-ins." Definitions

Joke Number. 4076

Irony: Soldiers playing "Risk" in Afghanistan. Definitions

Joke Number. 4077

Axe (verb) - What a black person does when they have a question. Definitions

Joke Number. 4078

"Definition of contradiction! As seen on Teledex, Healthy people are dying of swine flu."

Definitions

Joke Number. 4079

Bridegroom. Noun. A man with a fine prospect of happiness behind him. Definitions

Joke Number. 4080

Phonezheimer's - The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting who you were calling

just as they answer. Definitions

Joke Number. 4081

"Definition of a Yorkshire man, A Scots man with all the generosity squeezed out of him!"

Definitions

Joke Number. 4082

Whoever invented the phrase, "And one for good luck", obviously never met someone with

Downs Syndrome. Definitions

Joke Number. 4083

"Apathy. I can take or leave it." Definitions

Joke Number. 4084

"My girlfriend came over to me today and simply said “The earth, together with all of its

countries, peoples, and natural features” It meant the world to me." Definitions

Joke Number. 4085

"Morning sickness the feeling when waking up after a night out and rolling over to discover

exactly what hippo, elephant or whale it was you unashamedly ploughed for 30 seconds."

Definitions

Joke Number. 4086

I didn't know what irony was until I found out that the Inland Revenue tax office is based in

Liverpool. Definitions

Joke Number. 4087

"The word “salary” comes from the Latin word for salt as salt was often used to pay workers.

That explains why I have to drink so much when I get mine." Definitions

Joke Number. 4088

Today's redneck definition: Obama - "I bought me a case of beer and drank it Obama self."

Definitions

Joke Number. 4089

"I have two pet hates. Much more fun than having a cat or a dog" Definitions

Joke Number. 4090

"What's the definition of a gentleman? Someone who can play the bagpipes, but doesn't."

Definitions

Joke Number. 4091

"A large piece of cloth intended to keep the user warm especially while sleeping. I really need to

stop with these blanket statements." Definitions

Joke Number. 4092

Hedonistic (n) - Victoria Beckham Definitions

Joke Number. 4093

I nearly died with fright when I was told I suffer from Macroxenoglossophobia Definitions

Joke Number. 4094

"PMT: (n) An afternoon hot beverage." Definitions

Joke Number. 4095

"What’s a sheep's definition of pain? A black Welshman" Definitions

Joke Number. 4096

We're not racist, we're ethno-differentials. Definitions

Joke Number. 4097

I have an existential map, it has' you are here' written all over it. Definitions

Joke Number. 4098

Irony- The ironic thing about it is that I don't have a clue what it means Definitions

Joke Number. 4099

"What is a cloak? The mating call of a Chinese toad." Definitions

Joke Number. 4100

"What do you call a woman who has been mauled on the side of her head by a cat? Claudia"

Definitions

Joke Number. 4101

"I've decided to make money writing dieting Books. I'm told they appeal to a very wide

audience." Diets

Joke Number. 4102

"I went on a diet recently, came off drinking and heavy eating. In fourteen days I've lost exactly

two weeks." Diets

Joke Number. 4103

"I walked in the pub yesterday and I couldn't help but notice a guy sat at the bar scribbling on

some paper and laughing hysterically. “Why are you so happy?” I asked. “My wife's been on a

diet for the last 4 days, and she's lost 5 pounds.” the man replied. “What's so funny about that?” I

asked. “Well,” he says “I've worked out that in 4 months, she will have disappeared

completely!”" Diets

Joke Number. 4104

"An American father says to his son, “And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as

me?” Son replies, “Diet.”" Diets

Joke Number. 4105

I've been doing really well on my diet recently, but the other day I ate a 50p coin. People keep

saying to me "You look like you've put on half a pound..." Diets

Joke Number. 4106

Can someone please tell fat women that skin tight jeans are a fashion statement not a challenge

Diets

Joke Number. 4107

"What does a diet and a black man have in common? They don't work." Diets

Joke Number. 4108

"Diets. They're for people who are thick and tired of it." Diets

Joke Number. 4109

"It’s probably not a good sign when you step on your Wii Fit board and it says, 1 Player at a time

please" Diets

Joke Number. 4110

To gain weight, takeaway Pizza. To lose weight, take away Pizza. Diets

Joke Number. 4111

"I've nearly finished the pills the doctor gave me to stop me from being so greedy. I want some

more." Diets

Joke Number. 4112

"Earlier today a fat girl said she was uncomfortable with her body, I'd be uncomfortable too If I

had to carry all that weight around." Diets

Joke Number. 4113

These anemic people can really take a leaf from Iron Man's book. Diets

Joke Number. 4114

"I absolutely REFUSE to swallow my pride. The last thing I need in my diet right now is more

empty calories" Diets

Joke Number. 4115

"Started my diet this morning. Already lost 2 pounds. The coin fell down the side of the car seat

and my hands are too fat to squeeze down there." Diets

Joke Number. 4116

"What's the Difference between a Leeds girl and an elephant? Two stone. How do you make

them the same? Give the elephant a sandbag." Diets

Joke Number. 4117

"My mate bet me a tenner I couldn't come up with a good Vegetarian joke... I had a few, but

gave him the money there and then. They were all to Quorny..." Diets

Joke Number. 4118

I don't know why girls are so touchy about saying how much they weigh, it's not going to stop

people seeing how fat they are. Diets

Joke Number. 4119

"I've just started at slimming world and it's brilliant, you're allowed 15 sins a day. I've been doing

gluttony and sloth today." Diets

Joke Number. 4120

On a whim I named my cat Hamburger Helper. The funny thing was it tasted like chicken. Diets

Joke Number. 4121

"2nd day of my diet. I've lost 7 pounds. I'm gutted, I was gonna buy a kebab with that." Diets

Joke Number. 4122

My wife's really found her feet with this new Weight Watchers' diet. Diets

Joke Number. 4123

"i got kicked out of fat fighters today. Apparently it’s not the British equivalent to sumo

wrestling!" Diets

Joke Number. 4124

"I went to a bulimia meeting today. I didn't want to mention lunch but they kept bringing it up"

Diets

Joke Number. 4125

"Had to think of a gravestone inscription for my wife. I think she would have approved..

“Finally found a diet that seemed to be working”" Diets

Joke Number. 4126

"I'm trying to drop two dress sizes for the summer. The wife's up to a 14 now!" Diets

Joke Number. 4127

"The wife has gone on a crash diet... She dented the car so I knocked her teeth out." Diets

Joke Number. 4128

"I was out on my first date with a girl from work and she asked “are you more of a cat or dog

person”? 'As long as there's some tomato sauce I'll eat anything!' I replied." Diets

Joke Number. 4129

“"So what do you do?” My new roommate asked me. “I work with people who have let

themselves go in life and to help them find their feet again.” I said proudly. “Oh, wow!” Said my

new roommate. “That must be very rewarding work.” I shrugged. “Just an ordinary day at

Weight Watchers.”" Diets

Joke Number. 4130

"Define irony? Small doors at McDonald's." Diets

Joke Number. 4131

"Since Christmas I have managed to lose 10 pounds. I think a fiver a month to Weight Watchers

is fair enough for their Advice." Diets

Joke Number. 4132

"My psychic girlfriend was a size 20 and sad. But now she has lost weight to a size 12 and is a

happy medium." Diets

Joke Number. 4133

"Me: My fat wife is on a three week diet. Mate: How much has she lost so far? Me: Two weeks."

Diets

Joke Number. 4134

These last few weeks, I've been eating healthily and getting a lot of Exercise, so I'm going to

need some serious detoxing. Diets

Joke Number. 4135

"Dieting sucks A waist is a terrible thing to mind" Diets

Joke Number. 4136

"Women's first thought when coming across a skid mark in the toilet: “Eeww! That's horrible; I

must get cleaning equipment before I can use this.” Men's first thought when coming across a

skid mark in the toilet: “Hmmm... Can I remove this with the contents of my bladder?”"

Difference

Joke Number. 4137

"What is the Difference between a pair of jeans and an Ethiopian? A pair of jeans only has one

fly on it." Difference

Joke Number. 4138

"What's the Difference between Hitler and Paula Radcliffe? Hitler tried to finish the race."

Difference

Joke Number. 4139

"What is the Difference between a black man and a bicycle? A bicycle doesn't sing when you put

chains on it." Difference

Joke Number. 4140

"What's the Difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroo? One's a kangaroo and one's a

Geordie stuck in a lift." Difference

Joke Number. 4141

"What is the Difference between a midget and a freak? Political correctness" Difference

Joke Number. 4142

"What's the Difference between SpongeBob Square Pants and Maddie? SpongeBob WANTS to

live at the bottom of the sea." Difference

Joke Number. 4143

"What's the Difference between Emile Heskey and Madeleine McCann? Maddie scored before

she died." Difference

Joke Number. 4144

"What's the Difference between a baby and a Mars Bar? About 500 calories." Difference

Joke Number. 4145

"What's the Difference between Americans and sumo wrestlers? Americans make sumo wrestlers

look anorexic." Difference

Joke Number. 4146

"A friend of mine pulled out the old joke of shoving two fingers under my nose and saying

“Smell your mum” So I punched him in the face and said “Smell your Nan.”" Difference

Joke Number. 4147

"What's the Difference between women and Computers? You can stick a floppy into a

computer." Difference

Joke Number. 4148

"What's the Difference between a baby and a catholic priest? One sucks its fingers..." Difference

Joke Number. 4149

"I had a big row with the wife last night. She said, “You don't love me anymore full stop!” I said,

“You're wrong - I don't love you anymore exclamation mark!”" Difference

Joke Number. 4150

"What's the Difference between Gary Glitter and Maddie McCann’s parents? Gary Glitter comes

back from holiday with more kids than he left with." Difference

Joke Number. 4151

"What's the Difference between Emile Heskey and Heather Mills? Heather Mills has got a right

foot." Difference

Joke Number. 4152

"What's the Difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F." Difference

Joke Number. 4153

"What's the Difference between a rabbi and a priest? A rabbi cuts it off, and a priest sucks it off."

Difference

Joke Number. 4154

"What is the Difference between a baby and a fridge? A fridge doesn't scream when you pack it

with meat." Difference

Joke Number. 4155

"Ahhhhh........Oral in the morning, Role play in the afternoon. I better start revising for these

French tests." Difference

Joke Number. 4156

"What's the Difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 45 minutes." Difference

Joke Number. 4157

"What is the Difference between a white owl and a black owl? A white owl says “who”, “who”

and a black owl says “who dat”, “who dat”." Difference

Joke Number. 4158

"What's the Difference between the All Blacks and a teabag? The teabag stays in the cup

longer!" Difference

Joke Number. 4159

"What’s the Difference between Russell Crowe and Madeleine McCann? Madeleine still makes

decent films." Difference

Joke Number. 4160

"What's the Difference between your mum and our local? Our local gives good head." Difference

Joke Number. 4161

"What's the Difference between a paki drug smuggler in China and me? I'm going to wake up

tomorrow." Difference

Joke Number. 4162

"Only_girls_allowed wrote: What's the Difference between Kate and Gerry McCann and Josef

Fritz? Josef knows where his daughter is. -------------------------------------- That's not really a

Difference is it?" Difference

Joke Number. 4163

"What's the Difference between a toilet-brush and a toothbrush? The taste." Difference

Joke Number. 4164

"What’s the Difference between karate and evolution? In karate you start off white and end up

black." Difference

Joke Number. 4165

"What's the Difference between Remembrance Day and an Andy Parsons joke? We only have 2

minutes silence on Remembrance Day." Difference

Joke Number. 4166

"What's the Difference between a traffic warden and a sperm cell? The sperm cell has at least 1

out of 375,000,000 chance of getting a life." Difference

Joke Number. 4167

"What's the Difference between my epileptic brother and my new jigsaw? I can't get my jigsaw

to fit." Difference

Joke Number. 4168

"What's the Difference between Rolf Harris and the Australian cricket team? Rolf Harris can

draw gracefully." Difference

Joke Number. 4169

"What’s the Difference between a woman and a ball of string? The string won't go on forever."

Difference

Joke Number. 4170

"Q: What's the Difference between a burnt pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant woman? A: In

each case, there's a moron who didn't pull it out on time" Difference

Joke Number. 4171

"What's the Difference between Madeleine McCann and Susan Boyle? Susan Boyle hasn't been

fingered." Difference

Joke Number. 4172

"What's the Difference between a postman and a postwoman? A few letters." Difference

Joke Number. 4173

"What's the Difference between Madeleine McCann and Haiti? I know where Madeleine

McCann is." Difference

Joke Number. 4174

"What's the Difference between a brothel and daycare? You use protection in a brothel."

Difference

Joke Number. 4175

"What's the Difference between Jordan and the X Factor? The X Factor only had half a million

entries this year" Difference

Joke Number. 4176

"What's the Difference between Iceland food and Iceland customers? Some of the food isn't

battered." Difference

Joke Number. 4177

"What's the Difference between James Corden and AIDS? I don't hope AIDS will suffer from

James Corden." Difference

Joke Number. 4178

"What’s the Difference between Sir Alex Ferguson and Michael Jackson? Sir Alex will still be

pulling young men off in August." Difference

Joke Number. 4179

"What's the Difference between Michael Jackson and a bag of marshmallows? Not much.

They're both white, made Children's faces all sticky, and will be roasted in fire soon." Difference

Joke Number. 4180

"What's the Difference between the KKK and the English government? One knows what it’s

doing, and the other doesn't have a klu." Difference

Joke Number. 4181

"What's the Difference between an American and a tub of lard? The tub." Difference

Joke Number. 4182

"Why do women have larger hips than men? To balance the washing basket on." Difference

Joke Number. 4183

"What's the Difference between Michael Jackson and Chicken Pox? Chicken Pox is still coming

over kids." Difference

Joke Number. 4184

"What's the Difference between Jade Goody and Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi? Max Clifford."

Difference

Joke Number. 4185

"What's the Difference between an egg and cancer? Jade Goody could beat an egg." Difference

Joke Number. 4186

"What's the Difference between the Haitian Earthquake and Madeleine McCann? One started at

the bottom of the sea..." Difference

Joke Number. 4187

"What's the Difference between the Eithiopian plane crash and Michael Jackson? One makes a

crash site, the other makes a site crash" Difference

Joke Number. 4188

"What's the Difference between Hitler and Prince Phillip? Hitler's dead." Difference

Joke Number. 4189

"What's the Difference between a Terry's chocolate orange and a dead body? You don't need to

whack a dead body before you unwrap it." Difference

Joke Number. 4190

"What’s the Difference between praying in a church and praying on the golf course? You really

mean it when you’re on the golf course..." Difference

Joke Number. 4191

"The Difference between being married and being single? When you're single, it takes you two

hours to get ready to go out. When you're married, it takes you two hours to get ready to leave

the pub." Difference

Joke Number. 4192

I love playing rock, paper, scissors with quadriplegics; they always go for rock Difference

Joke Number. 4193

Does anyone know where Concentrate is? I've been drinking this lovely orange juice from there.

Difference

Joke Number. 4194

"What’s the Difference between Susan Boyle and Susan Boyle's house? Her house has been

broken in." Difference

Joke Number. 4195

"What's the Difference between Ronaldo and God? God doesn't think he's Ronaldo." Difference

Joke Number. 4196

"What’s the Difference between Maddie McCann and a SmArt car? You can't fit 3 blokes in a

smArt car." Difference

Joke Number. 4197

If someone says 'don't tell a soul' does that mean you can still tell gingers? Difference

Joke Number. 4198

"What's the Difference between Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein? One's washed up at the bottom

of the sea, the other's hanging out to dry." Difference

Joke Number. 4199

"What's the Difference between a wife and a wheelie bin? You only have to take out a wheelie

bin once a week." Difference

Joke Number. 4200

"What's the Difference between Manchester City and Swine Flu? At least Swine Flu is reaching

Europe." Difference

Joke Number. 4201

"What’s the Difference between RAM and CPU.... You can't CPU a gibbon." Difference

Joke Number. 4202

"What's the Difference between an Ikea flat-pack wardrobe which is missing the adhesive, and

an Ikea employee? One is a glue less kit." Difference

Joke Number. 4203

There's those times you know what you're talking about, and then there's times when... you

know. When you. Well you know what I mean. Difference

Joke Number. 4204

"What’s the Difference between rob green and jade goody? Jade goody could have saved that."

Difference

Joke Number. 4205

"What's the Difference between a woman and a towel? On the towel you look for the dry places."

Difference

Joke Number. 4206

What's the Difference between an NFL quArterback and 19th century governments?

Nothing. Black people are still being worked hard with a white guy taking all the credit.

Difference

Joke Number. 4207

"What weighs more, a tonne of bricks or a tonne of feathers? Your mum. It was a trick question."

Difference

Joke Number. 4208

"What's the Difference between Michael Jackson and Baby P? Baby P had more hits before he

died." Difference

Joke Number. 4209

"What's the Difference between the World Economy and Tommy Cooper? Everybody laughed

when Tommy Cooper collapsed" Difference

Joke Number. 4210

"What's the Difference between WalmArt and Michael Jackson? At Wal-MArt, kids' clothing is

only 10% off." Difference

Joke Number. 4211

"What’s the Difference between pinball and my wife? Ive only cheated on pinball once."

Difference

Joke Number. 4212

"Depeche Mode singer Dave Gahan caused fury in Peru- by thanking the wrong country. After a

concert in Lima, he shouted: “Thanks very much, Chile.” I know exactly how he feels. At the

end of an after-dinner speaking gig last week, I said to the audience: “Ladies and gentlemen of

Hull, goodnight.” Turns out I was actually in Basra." Difference

Joke Number. 4213

"What's the Difference between Father Christmas and the City link Delivery man? One is a

fictional character who doesn't actually deliver presents at Christmas and the other is Santa."

Difference

Joke Number. 4214

"What’s the Difference between a catholic priest and Gary Glitter? At least Gazza will use a

condom." Difference

Joke Number. 4215

"What’s the Difference between lenny henry and Emile Heskey? Lenny Henry has scored against

the French" Difference

Joke Number. 4216

"What's the Difference between my girlfriend and the Aussie cricket team? My girlfriend's

DEFINITELY gonna get spanked." Difference

Joke Number. 4217

"What's the Difference between you and your mum? Your mum is trying to diet..." Difference

Joke Number. 4218

"What's the Difference between Stephen Hawking and a Dalek? A Dalek has got an English

accent." Difference

Joke Number. 4219

"What's the Difference between the new Swine Flu website and Sickipedia? At least 5 people

managed to access the Swine Flu website in the last 24 hours." Difference

Joke Number. 4220

"What's the Difference between Ricky Ponting and my sweaty pants? Sweaty pants will stick at

the crease all day." Difference

Joke Number. 4221

"What's the Difference between a team managed by Gary Megson and a French Army tank?

Once, for just a few moments, the French Army tank went forward yeah , it was doing a 3 point

turn" Difference

Joke Number. 4222

"What's the Difference between a baby and a banana? I don't get a hard on peeling a banana."

Difference

Joke Number. 4223

"What’s the Difference between me and a 40 year old virgin? I’m not 40 yet ..." Difference

Joke Number. 4224

"What's the Difference between a boxer and a woman? A boxer stands up to get knocked down

and a woman lies down to get knocked up." Difference

Joke Number. 4225

"What's the Difference between Emile Heskey and Amy Winehouse? Amy got at least one killer

shot in before she died." Difference

Joke Number. 4226

"Q. What's the Difference between an emo and a Goth? A. What's the point? You wouldn't

understand" Difference

Joke Number. 4227

"What’s the Difference between Sickipedia and the 18th century? Not a lot really..." Difference

Joke Number. 4228

We are all individuals except for me. Difference

Joke Number. 4229

"What’s the Difference between my wife and a dog? i let the dog out on weekends" Difference

Joke Number. 4230

"What’s the Difference between my missus and my dog? My missus can bury a bone without

getting her nose dirty" Difference

Joke Number. 4231

"A black girl at work asked me “Have you ever been with a sister before?” I told her “No... just a

few cousins.”" Difference

Joke Number. 4232

"What's the Difference between Mollie Sugden and Michael Jackson? About 9000 Sickipedians

from when I tried to get on here last week." Difference

Joke Number. 4233

"What's the Difference between Ricky Ponting and a prison facial? One's a convict chewing his

gum and the other's a convict going his chum." Difference

Joke Number. 4234

"Q: How can you tell the Difference between a happy sperm and an unhappy sperm? A: The

happy sperm is the one with egg on his face." Difference

Joke Number. 4235

"What's the Difference between Alice in Wonderland and Billy Wright? Alice made it out of the

Maze....." Difference

Joke Number. 4236

"I woke up this morning in my own bed, sheets dry, with full memory of everything I did the

night before. Dude, I was so sober last night..." Difference

Joke Number. 4237

"What's the Difference between a woman and a plate? You lick a plate when you're finished."

Difference

Joke Number. 4238

"What's the Difference between a HIV results letter & my ex-girlfriends legs? One was hard to

open. The other is hard to keep closed." Difference

Joke Number. 4239

"What's the Difference between a ginger and a blonde? About 500 friends on Facebook."

Difference

Joke Number. 4240

"What's the Difference between Michael Jackson's right hand and mine? I can still touch kids

with mine." Difference

Joke Number. 4241

"What's the Difference between Michael Jackson and Sir Alex Ferguson? Someone really

should've told Michael Jackson he'd get nowhere with kids." Difference

Joke Number. 4242

"Q: What’s the Difference between Justin biber and a used condom? A: Everyone would laugh if

I bust Justin Bieber" Difference

Joke Number. 4243

"Some people call me antisocial. I wish they'd just leave me alone." Difference

Joke Number. 4244

"BBC NEWS: A Tibetan Mastiff was sold today in China for $600,000 dollars American.

Idiots...You can buy the same dog in Vietnam for 5 dollars and it includes a side of fries and a

drink." Difference

Joke Number. 4245

"What's the Difference between my gas boiler and the American Air Force? When the pilot on

my boiler goes out, I'm not worried about it blowing up British troops." Difference

Joke Number. 4246

"What's the Difference between a paedophile and a pediatrician? The paedophile really loves

Children." Difference

Joke Number. 4247

“"What's the Difference between carol singers and trick or treat kids?” “Nothing, you are getting

life imprisonment for both crimes.”" Difference

Joke Number. 4248

"What's the Difference between men and women? wo" Difference

Joke Number. 4249

"What's the Difference between my girlfriend and my sister? That's not a joke, I genuinely can't

think of a Difference." Difference

Joke Number. 4250

"What's the Difference between Alecia Moore and Humpty Dumpty? One is Pink and had a great

fall, the other is an egg." Difference

Joke Number. 4251

"I was going to make a joke about stammering. But it's a big no no. Difference

Joke Number. 4252

"What's the Difference between a toilet and a woman? A toilet doesn't follow you around for

days after you've used it." Difference

Joke Number. 4253

"What's the Difference between a porch monkey and a yard ape? The length of the rope."

Difference

Joke Number. 4254

"What is the Difference between owning a Ferrari and being a suicide bomber? If you have a

Ferrari, you'll be blown up but at least you have a CHANCE of getting with 72 virgins"

Difference

Joke Number. 4255

"What's the Difference between Cheryl Cole and Susan boyle. An erection." Difference

Joke Number. 4256

"What's the Difference between my Wife and a DArtboard? Throwing DArts at my wife is

enjoyable." Difference

Joke Number. 4257

"What did the Cyclops say to his missis? You're the one eye love..." Difference

Joke Number. 4258

"What's the Difference between Justin Bieber and grapes? You'd take your shoes and socks off to

stamp on grapes." Difference

Joke Number. 4259

"What's the Difference between Michael Jackson and Jade Goody? Jade Goody only left two

boys behind weeping." Difference

Joke Number. 4260

"What's the Difference between Amanda Holden and Pizza Express? Pizza Express can manage

a delivery." Difference

Joke Number. 4261

"I ordered a new welcome mat and decided to have it delivered. I told them that, if I am not in

just leave it by the front door. They said they could not leave a package outside as it might get

stolen." Difference

Joke Number. 4262

"A math teacher's wife gave birth to two twins, and they were called dy and dx. I told him that I

couldn't differentiate between the two." Difference

Joke Number. 4263

"What is the connection between; Jade Goody. Phil Cornwell and Michael Jackson? Dead

Minger Dead Ringer Dead Singer. Difference

Joke Number. 4264

"What's the Difference between Maddie and Jordan? When I look at a picture of Jordan, I don't

get a semi" Difference

Joke Number. 4265

What’s the Difference between Hitler and sickipedia? Hitler liked duplicates Difference

Joke Number. 4266

"What's the Difference between Cary Grant and Russell Grant? You can rustle Cary Grant...."

Difference

Joke Number. 4267

"What's the Difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? One goes: Whack!

“Argggghhhh!” The other goes: “Argggghhhh!” Whack!" Difference

Joke Number. 4268

"What's the Difference between Rick Saloman and Michael Jackson? Rick Saloman has only had

one night in Paris" Difference

Joke Number. 4269

"What's the Difference between Jordan and Maddie? Jordan's tighter." Difference

Joke Number. 4270

"Dating Advert: Midget very kind and nice to put it short and sweet." Difference

Joke Number. 4271

...What's the Difference between my mum and my sister???? I always wear a condom with my

mum!!!!! Difference

Joke Number. 4272

"What's the Difference between a pool party and a fancy dress party? Nothing to me, I usually go

as Tarzan to either." Difference

Joke Number. 4273

"What’s the Difference between Steven Barker and Gary Glitter? One beats up kids and the other

beats off on kids." Difference

Joke Number. 4274

"Watching 8 out of 10 cats through my fingers - Jimmy Carr looks like he's been crying. Hope

they drop him and bring in someone we can feel comfortable with, like Michael Barrymore."

Difference

Joke Number. 4275

"What's the Difference between Emile Heskey and a table football player? Heskey's black."

Difference

Joke Number. 4276

"What's the Difference between the England national team and the new iPhone 4? England's

reception was a lot better than I expected." Difference

Joke Number. 4277

"What do twins and fruit fetishists have in common? They both come in pears" Difference

Joke Number. 4278

"What's the Difference between The Descent and What Katie did next? One is based around a

giant cave that housed some backward blind specimen and the other is a film worth watching."

Difference

Joke Number. 4279

Lady Gaga & Dr. Seuss surprisingly have a lot in common. Both of them are known for being

kooky, for breaking boundaries and for being men. Difference

Joke Number. 4280

"What's the Difference between toilet paper and toast? Toast is brown on both sides." Difference

Joke Number. 4281

"What's the Difference between a dissolution and a solution? A dissolution would be to throw a

paki into a tank of acid. A solution would be to throw them all into it." Difference

Joke Number. 4282

"What’s the Difference between Katie Price and the Twin Towers? Katie Price went down faster

with more people inside her." Difference

Joke Number. 4283

"What's the Difference between Hitler and Susan Boyle? Hitler trimmed his moustache."

Difference

Joke Number. 4284

"I chastised a dinner guest because he expressed his wind after his meal, but he was unrepentant.

“I come from Saudi Arabia, and it is polite to do that to show one's appreciation of the food” he

said. That may be so, but I'm sure it's not polite to follow through all over your chair." Difference

Joke Number. 4285

"What's the Difference between Elvis, and Rudolf Hess? Elvis didn't come to Scotland to sing"

Difference

Joke Number. 4286

What's the Difference between the Royal Mail strike and Diana? A Royal Mail strike stops the

post ... and a post stops Diana Difference

Joke Number. 4287

"What’s the Difference between a paedophile and a teacher? Teachers get paid." Difference

Joke Number. 4288

"First world stoner problem: Not being able to hear the TV over the sound of crisps being eaten.

Third world stoner problem: Nothing to get rid of cottonmouth." Difference

Joke Number. 4289

"A drunk girl accused me of being a “Prehistoric dinosaur” So I Raptor" dinosaurs

Joke Number. 4290

Fossils- the only thing they tell us is that dinosaurs lived underground. Dinosaurs

Joke Number. 4291

"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotapus" dinosaurs

Joke Number. 4292

"My parents tried to put me off becoming an archaeologist. They said there was no future in it."

Dinosaurs

Joke Number. 4293

My cat died of a stroke this morning, I’ll have to be gentler next time. Dinosaurs

Joke Number. 4294

I don't want to alarm anyone but since that Volcano erupted, I haven't seen a single dinosaur..

Dinosaurs

Joke Number. 4295

"Was watching Take Me Out earlier when a young black man who went by the name of 'Silky'

stole the hearts of all the women. And their purses." Dinosaurs

Joke Number. 4296

And on the seventh day, God said "EEK, DINOSAURS!" and bombarded the Earth with

meteors. Dinosaurs

Joke Number. 4297

T-Rex, the Jeremy Beadle of the dinosaur world. Dinosaurs

Joke Number. 4298

What did T-Rex's do if they were happy and knew it? Dinosaurs

Joke Number. 4299

"Being a big fan of Mark Bolan I have to say I was a little disappointed in the T-Rex t-shirt I

ordered off of EBay. It was a little short in the arms and a few hundred sizes too big." Dinosaurs

Joke Number. 4300

y do people who watch x factor type like dis? Dinosaurs

Joke Number. 4301

"I imagine that if you were to cut open an archaeopteryx, its stomach would be full of worms.

After all, it was the earliest bird." Dinosaurs

Joke Number. 4302

"How Did The Dinosaurs Die? Well, after they ate everything on Earth, they dug deep into the

ground to search for food. Sadly, they became trapped in their own holes, which is why their

skeletons are found underground today." Dinosaurs

Joke Number. 4303

"What do you call a lesbian Dinosaur? Extinct" dinosaurs

Joke Number. 4304

"Troll Hunter TV ad: “The best monster movie since Jurassic Park” “You've never seen anything

like this before” Uh... Jurassic Park?" dinosaurs

Joke Number. 4305

"I don't know why Christians are getting worried about this rapture. They don't even believe in

Dinosaurs." Dinosaurs

Joke Number. 4306

"If the tongue is the strongest muscle, How come I can never get that bit of Wots it out of my

back tooth?" dinosaurs

Joke Number. 4307

"I don't understand why scientists say that the dinosaurs died because a meteor hit the earth.

Everyone knows it's because Noah couldn't fit them on the arc." Dinosaurs

Joke Number. 4308

"T-Rexes may have lacked intelligence but they never gave anything away. They always kept

their cards close to their chest." Dinosaurs

Joke Number. 4309

"The Christians who claim dinosaurs lived at the same time as ancient humans might be onto

something. They all do seem to have Roman names." Dinosaurs

Joke Number. 4310

"Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens didn't exist in those days." Dinosaurs

Joke Number. 4311

"God is definitely a woman. If God was a man, he'd never have cancelled the dinosaur

programmer." Dinosaurs

Joke Number. 4312

"Evolution is at work the whole time, creating new and complex eco systems, everyone a

microcosm of the universe, forever changing forever developing. That’s why I can't clean my

room!" dinosaurs

Joke Number. 4313

I went to a psychiatrist about a recurring nightmare, where me and two friends get a bill for 25,

and have to split it three ways. That's 8.33333333333.............. Dreams

Joke Number. 4314

I had a recurring dream once. Dreams

Joke Number. 4315

"When you wish upon a star, you are a few million years late. The star is dead. Just like your

Dreams." Dreams

Joke Number. 4316

"I had the worst Nightmare last night, It didn't scare me at all." Dreams

Joke Number. 4317

"I never knew having an imaginary friend could be so problematic. I opened a bank account for

him, donated some of my funds, now I'm being done for tax evasion." Dreams

Joke Number. 4318

They should rate Dreams on a scale of MArtin Luther King to Freddy Krueger Dreams

Joke Number. 4319

"I keep on having Dreams that I am Iron Man. They always end when the armor falls off and

underneath it all I am Stark naked." Dreams

Joke Number. 4320

"I said to my mate, “I dreamt that I ate a giant marshmallow!” He said, “Let me guess, you woke

up and your pillow was gone?” I said, “No, I woke up and one of my giant marshmallows was

gone.”" Dreams

Joke Number. 4321

"I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up... My wife was dead.

Great morning all round, really." Dreams

Joke Number. 4322

"I phoned the wife today, “I had a terrible dream.” And? “You were there.” And? “What do you

mean? And?" Dreams

Joke Number. 4323

"My parents used to say I’d never be able to be a pirate when I grew up. My dvd and music

collection nowadays says otherwise." Dreams

Joke Number. 4324

“"I was having superb dream about you.” I said to my wife as I woke. “You were doing

something really nice to me.” “Maybe it will come true.” she said. “What was it?” “I hope so.” I

replied. “Leaving.”" Dreams

Joke Number. 4325

"Last night I had an amazing dream involving Megan Fox, Jessica Alba, Katy Perry and Cheryl

Cole. I beat them all at Monopoly." Dreams

Joke Number. 4326

"I asked a sleep therapist out on a date She said, “Pffft ... in your Dreams” I said, “Cool, I'll pick

you up at nine then”" Dreams

Joke Number. 4327

"I had a fantastic wet dream last night. It was about a tsunami in the Indian ocean which killed

250,000 pakis, Indians and darkies." Dreams

Joke Number. 4328

Always follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a

fire drill. Dreams

Joke Number. 4329

If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches? Dreams

Joke Number. 4330

"My dream catcher broke last night. Nightmare!" Dreams

Joke Number. 4331

"This girl in the pub asked me if she was the woman of my Dreams. “That depends” I said. “Are

you wet?”" Dreams

Joke Number. 4332

Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. I woke up this morning and my albino

son was gone Dreams

Joke Number. 4333

"I dreamt I was a woman last night. When I woke up, the house was spotless. Looks like the wife

couldn't sleep again." Dreams

Joke Number. 4334

"Aren't Dreams amazing? Last night I had a dream that I hadn't had a shave and I woke to find it

had come true." Dreams

Joke Number. 4335

I have a dream: a dream that one day, little black girls and little white girls will play with each

other! Dreams

Joke Number. 4336

An elderly couple is having breakfast. The woman says: "Oh, I had the most wonderful dream: I

was 20 years old again and I was cycling through a beautiful forest with my sister." The man

replies: "I had a wonderful dream too: I was 20 years old again and I was making love to a

beautiful girl." The woman winks and asks: "were you making love to me?", to which the man

replies: "Of course not, you were out cycling with your sister." Dreams

Joke Number. 4337

A place without thought. Imagine that. Dreams

Joke Number. 4338

“"Doctor, I really need your help”, I said. “Every night for the past two weeks I'm dreaming

about some rats playing football.” “Here, take these pills tonight before you go to bed and you

will be fine.” “But can I take them starting tomorrow?” “Why?” “Because tonight they play the

final.”" Dreams

Joke Number. 4339

"I once won a dream holiday to the Bahamas. I woke up gutted." Dreams

Joke Number. 4340

"I was talking to my psychiatrist earlier: Me: I keep having these Dreams in which my wife dies.

Psychiatrist: I see, and how long have you been having these nightmares? Me: Nightmares?"

Dreams

Joke Number. 4341

"Sign on the motorway, “Tiredness can kill”. Especially true if you were on your way to Elm

Street." Dreams

Joke Number. 4342

"I had a really bad nightmare last night. I dreamt that I unsuccessfully buried my wife in the back

garden. When I woke up, I walked downstairs and hugged my spade." Dreams

Joke Number. 4343

"There is nothing more tedious than having to listen to someone telling you what they dreamed

of last night. MArtin Luther King found that out the hard way." Dreams

Joke Number. 4344

"I used to be pretty big-headed. I'm perfect now though" Dreams

Joke Number. 4345

"Last year , all of my Dreams came true. This year , I'm sat here in this prison cell , wishing that

they hadn't." Dreams

Joke Number. 4346

"Don't listen to what people say, FOLLOW YOUR DREAM! Unless you’re fat because you

probably won't be able catch up with it." Dreams

Joke Number. 4347

"I've been having Dreams that I can't interpret. They're in French and I don't speak the language."

Dreams

Joke Number. 4348

"I had a dream in which my wife was involved in a car accident and tragically killed... i woke up

in tears that morning... ...because I realized she wasn't actually dead." Dreams

Joke Number. 4349

"My wife wasn’t happy when I announced I was going to be leaving to follow my dream. Or

“Tanya from next door” as she is also known." Dreams

Joke Number. 4350

I don't know if it's common, but when I was a kid I used to dream that I was falling from a tall

tree, only to wake up and find out that, in fact, the babysitter had thrown me out of the window.

Dreams

Joke Number. 4351

"Last night, our son came up to our room and asked if he could sleep in our bed because he was

afraid of the monster in his closet. It's already the third time this week, I hope his girlfriend

doesn't mind." Dreams

Joke Number. 4352

"Didn't get much sleep last night, I kept dreaming I was frozen & then dropped off a cliff. I'm

absolutely shattered this morning." Dreams

Joke Number. 4353

"You know, I'm sick of following my Dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going

and hook up with 'em later" Dreams

Joke Number. 4354

I dropped off last night and then farted myself awake. Wife wasn't best pleased. Don't think we'll

be going to the theatre again for a while. Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4355

"After only having my new job as an English teacher for a few months, I was shocked when an

eleven year old girl approached me and said “Me and my boyfriend are having a baby!” I was

disgusted. She should have said “My boyfriend and I are having a baby”" Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4356

"I’m glad that I don’t have to go through Facebook to like these jokes... Otherwise everyone

would know how sick I am" Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4357

I pulled my balaclava on, pulled my collar up and left the house after a good look round to make

sure no one could recognize me, I headed down the road with one thing on my mind, making

sure no one saw me when I popped into Aldi for some milk. Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4358

"I was talking to my mum, ''What about that pretty girl of yours?'' she asks. ''Who, Amber? I

said. ''Yeah, I've been hearing a lot of noise coming from upstairs lately.'' she said smiling. ''We

broke up a 2 weeks ago mum.'' I said. ''I know!'' she said laughing, ''You've been in your room

crying for days you big girl!''" Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4359

"What do you call someone with no clue what irony is? An American..... Now go on, re-post that

fatty!!" Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4360

"I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be

nice to be able to piece together my twenties." Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4361

"I should be proud of my wife for being an elite athlete. I just find it difficult to tell others I'm

married to the scrum-half from Leeds Carnegie." Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4362

My girlfriend and midwife didn't see the funny side to me wearing my t-shirt with the logo

“remember my name you'll be screaming it later" when she went into labour. Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4363

"How dare you break wind before my wife" said the host of a dinner party to his guest. "Oh I'm

sorry" said the guest, "I didn't realize it was her turn". Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4364

"I came home last night to find my son had thrown a party. The place was trashed. There was

only one punishment that would be sufficient. So I fingered his mother while we slow danced in

the front room." Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4365

"I took my new girlfriend to the cinema last night, we sat at the back... There's less chance of

people seeing us together." Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4366

"Three men, one american, one mexican, and one Chinese, were hiking in an unknown mountain.

They suddenly discovered a big cave. So they each decided to test its echo. The American man

shouted his name: “Tom” The echo replied: “Tom” The mexican man shouted his name:

“Carlito” The echo replied: “Carlito” The Chinese man shouted his name: “Ching Chong Lao

Song” The echo replied: “what?”" Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4367

As a Kid I hated losing, so I played with myself. Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4368

"I saw this hot girl walking towards me, so I tried to impress her and stood next to this really

expensive Ferrari. As she came closer to me....she said, “Excuse me” and got in her car and left."

Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4369

"What's funnier than seeing a fat guy fall over? Watching him cradle himself to sleep trying to

get back up." Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4370

"I farted in front of my new girlfriend's mother last night. She was not impressed. I'll try harder

next time I see her, and make the fart louder and longer." Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4371

"As we drove past an elderly couple walking a Labrador earlier, my girlfriend said to me: “Isn't it

weird, ever since we have had a dog, I now always notice lots of dogs when we're out” I said, “I

know exactly what you mean, ever since I've had a girlfriend, I now notice lots of girls when

we're out!”" Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4372

"River dance......... The only time it's acceptable to cheer on a ginger" Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4373

"What's the Difference between brussel sprouts and snot? You'll never surprise your kids eating

their brussel sprouts." Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4374

"I'm typing this from my hospital bed and I'm having problems understanding the accent of my

East European nurse, so a moment ago I simply smiled and nodded. Considering what is

happening now, I hope he said “Do you want an enemy?”." Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4375

I took my car for a service last week... Waste of time though, couldn't quite fit it through the

church doors! Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4376

“"Salary Theorem” states that “Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business

Executives and Sales People.” This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation

based on the following two postulates: 1. Knowledge is Power. 2. Time is Money. As every

engineer knows: Power = Work / Time Since: Knowledge = Power Time = Money It follows

that: Knowledge = Work/Money. Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of

work done. Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make." Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4377

"My wife came into the same pub as me and my mates and walked up to me “look at you acting

all cool as if you can't be bothered talking to me” “sorry fatso do I know you?” I replied"

Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4378

Throwing a chocolate bar at fat girls 'cos they look like they need a Boost. Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4379

"Research shows that at least 99% of N-Dubz fan will get 3 GCSE's between them."

Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4380

"Last night I tried one of those tricks where you light your farts on fire. I couldn't find a lighter,

so I used a candle. Completely ruined my Grandmothers birthday cake." Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4381

"I accidentally liked a girl’s picture on Facebook. Doesn't help that it was of her Dad's

gravestone." Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4382

Anyone else tried J20 after 8 pints of lager. I tried but still ended up going round the M25.

Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4383

"I was at the motorway services the other day when a man in a yellow coat shouted over to me,

“Are you with the AA, sir?”. I shouted back at him, “Do I look like an alcoholic!”"

Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4384

"The wife was livid that I had made a show of her in front of all my friends last night. With

hindsight, I probably should have hidden the web cam in the bedroom a bit better."

Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4385

"I was trying to get a hot girl at the bar jealous, so I started slowly dancing and getting off with a

potted plant. It worked wonders, she was staring at me." Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4386

I became the stag party organizer for my mate the other day. I found a great place we could go, I

promised my mate the girls get wet for you and everything! He didn’t seem impressed when we

turned up at a Children’s swimming pool. Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4387

"I saw an old mate I hadn't seen for ages. “How's life in the fast lane?” I joshed. “Not too good

mate. My wife was involved in a multiple pile up on the motorway.” Hush, my mouth."

Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4388

There's feeling self-conscious ... And there's being a chimney sweep walking through Brixton.

Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4389

I must abstain from licking windows, I'm putting the window cleaner out of business.

Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4390

I was chatting up a girl in the pub last night, “if I could rearrange the alphabet...". " Let me

guess? You'd put U and I together." she interrupted. “no" I said, " I'd be a better speller. I'm

dyslexic". Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4391

"I told my mate that he was easily amused. But he just cracked up and shat himself."

Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4392

"A naked girl lay on top of her boyfriend, 'something's getting big' she said. The boyfriend

replied, 'Glad you finally noticed! I can barely put it in your so fat.'" Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4393

"When an old school friend found out my girlfriend studied at Oxford he sent me a text saying,

''OMG, that’s unbelievable because I studied at Oxford too.'' Not the dictionary he didn't."

Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4394

"I had to do a drama performance for my A-levels, except I was a bit nervous, so I took the good

old Advice of picturing everyone naked. Shame my nan was in the audience." Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4395

"After I jokingly said to my girlfriend that her farts smell like dead babies, she totally freaked out

she's acting so weird since the abortion" Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4396

Unfortunately it seems sneezing at the point of climax didn’t release those innate Spiderman

abilities I thought I had... Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4397

“"My old man's a dustman. He wears a dustman's hat” And that's why I get Mum to pick me up

from school." Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4398

If you sit on a toilet the other way round it's like a little chair and table where you can secretly

eat and cry. Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4399

"The nurse came up to my hospital bed to check my pulse. “Wow.” she said. “It's much faster

than usual!” “That's not my wrist you're holding, nurse.”" Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4400

"I gave my kid a smack on the bottom in the supermarket today. “You're very naughty” I

shouted, as she ran off crying. Yeah, my sixteen year old hates coming out with me."

Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4401

"I must have been about 15 the first time I went to the pub. I ordered vodka and couldn't believe I

was getting served. The trouble started when the barman asked me what I wanted in it. Naively, I

said “Milk and two sugars”." Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4402

"Angry Birds, the number one cause of hemorrhoids since 2009." Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4403

"My mom lost her credit card today, she accused everyone of taking it and got everyone really

stressed, a Family friend asked her, after an hour of looking, if it was in her bra. Long behold she

pulled it out and we all laughed at her. We never found that card.." Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4404

I was on my luxury yacht with my girlfriend the other week, looking at sharks swimming around

us. She squealed oh my god there big would they eat me whole? I said no they would spit that bit

out..! Embarrassment

Joke Number. 4405

"Just been to the gym and there's a new machine there. I only used it for about an hour, as I

started to feel sick, but it's great: it's got Kit Kats, Mars bars, crisps and everything in it."

Exercise

Joke Number. 4406

"Was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird

looks, so I started jogging instead." Exercise

Joke Number. 4407

"I have finally figured out why the missus is so fat: the shampoo she uses in the shower that runs

down her body clearly says, “for extra volume and body.” I'm going to recommend she uses

dishwashing soap instead; it says, “dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove.”" Exercise

Joke Number. 4408

Treadmills get you nowhere. Exercise

Joke Number. 4409

"I made the mistake of buying a running machine the other day.... Haven't seen it since."

Exercise

Joke Number. 4410

"Every morning I have a 2 mile run before breakfast. I keep forgetting to buy milk." Exercise

Joke Number. 4411

"My wife bought me a fitness DVD called “10 Steps to The Body You Deserve”. It should be

pretty easy, it takes me 4 steps just to get to the DVD player." Exercise

Joke Number. 4412

Does running late count as Exercise? Exercise

Joke Number. 4413

"I'm terrified of the gym. Every time I look at the treadmill I run a mile." Exercise

Joke Number. 4414

"I went for a run this morning. Not for Exercise, my girlfriend's husband just got back early.

Exercise

Joke Number. 4415

Some people choose to go to modern gyms with Stairmasters and treadmills. I choose to go to an

old fashioned gym. It has the same equipment, only women and blacks aren't allowed in.

Exercise

Joke Number. 4416

Now don't get me wrong, I think race for life is a wonderful Charity for women. I just can't help

but feel that the advert kinda gets ruined with that big fat bald bloke at the end of it..... Exercise

Joke Number. 4417

"I'm really out of shape Every time I fart I need a nap." Exercise

Joke Number. 4418

I've started a new Exercise regime. 10 reps of sit ups holding a carrot, 5 reps of squats with a

corvette in each hand, and 3 reps of lifting a heavy sack of potatoes. Sadly, my efforts have so far

been fruitless... Exercise

Joke Number. 4419

If walking is supposed to be so good for you, why does my postman look like Jabba the Hut?

Exercise

Joke Number. 4420

"My ex-girlfriend and I met each other while running the London Marathon last year. It was a

long-distance relationship." Exercise

Joke Number. 4421

"I don't know who came up with the idea that walking the dog is a good way to pick up woman.

Whenever I'm out walking with my wife no one gives me a second look." Exercise

Joke Number. 4422

I got off with a fat girl at a party, my ego was crushed. Exercise

Joke Number. 4423

"I decided to get fit so I bought an Exercise bike, and it's great - I can go on it for hours on end. I

pretend I'm going downhill and freewheel." Exercise

Joke Number. 4424

"I went to the gym earlier and started showing off my guns to the ladies. I'm now sat in a cell

waiting for the police to charge me with possession of firearms." Exercise

Joke Number. 4425

"I did 10 one arm push-ups this morning, I was trying to get up off of the floor without putting

down my beer." Exercise

Joke Number. 4426

I pulled a muscle in my neck today and I'm not sure how, i just can't get my head round it.

Exercise

Joke Number. 4427

"John goes to work painting white lines on the motorway with a tin of paint and a brush, after the

first day he accomplishes 4 mile... later that day his boss congratulates him. The next day John

paints 2 mile of white lines... so his boss said, “yeh that’s acceptable.” On the third day he only

does 1/4 of a mile... the boss says, “What’s wrong you did 4 mile the first day?” John replies,

“Yeh but the tin keeps getting further away”..." Exercise

Joke Number. 4428

"I date girls that weigh 20 stone or more. Because they are the only ones that won't run away

from me." Exercise

Joke Number. 4429

"My Exercise instructor gave a demonstration on how to lose weight. I don't think he showed all

the Exercises though. He skipped quite a lot." Exercise

Joke Number. 4430

"What do you call a fat I.T teacher? Megabyte" Exercise

Joke Number. 4431

"I did a couple of laps around the gym today. Maybe next time I'll actually park my car and go

in." Exercise

Joke Number. 4432

"I think ankle support is really good. They make mine feel a lot better about themselves."

Exercise

Joke Number. 4433

"My wife told me she is leaving me because I treat my fitness like a game! I nearly fell off my

wii fit board!" Exercise

Joke Number. 4434

You know your fit when you run 20 miles and your nipples hurt more than your legs... Exercise

Joke Number. 4435

"Supermarkets say, they are doing their best to stop obesity. If that was true they would have

only made the biscuit isle a foot wide." Exercise

Joke Number. 4436

I read in men's health, that the most important thing to do when doing a workout programmer is

rest...I’ve done that for 2 years now and I am still no fitter than before! Exercise

Joke Number. 4437

Let us take a moment to think about all those poor people stuck in traffic on the way to the gym

to spend hours on a treadmill going nowhere fast. Exercise

Joke Number. 4438

"I refuse to drive my Children everywhere and insist they either cycle or walk. While this has

made sure they aren't overweight, the trip to the lion enclosure at Longleaf was a bit of a

disaster." Exercise

Joke Number. 4439

Every time I take up exercising I meet new people. They are usually paramedics, but still new

people. Exercise

Joke Number. 4440

Sometimes when I see people jogging outside, I like to drive slowly down the road behind them

blasting "Eye of the Tiger" just to give them some motivation. Exercise

Joke Number. 4441

The wife's just told me that she's running away with Jim from next door. Good on her, that's the

first time she's done any Exercise in 20 years. Exercise

Joke Number. 4442

I love watching fat people run. All 2 seconds of it. Exercise

Joke Number. 4443

"It's been a hard struggle, but I'm just one day away from John O’Groats! I should get there

tomorrow if I turn back now." Exercise

Joke Number. 4444

My wife just got me an Exercise machine and apparently it's not our new born son. Exercise

Joke Number. 4445

"Just made a keep-fit -video for the elderly. I’m calling it “Pumping rust!”" Exercise

Joke Number. 4446

power walking looks a lot like people who have taken too many laxatives, and just realized they

ain't gonna make it home in time! Exercise

Joke Number. 4447

"The Gym A place for girls to find strong bloke's with big muscles. The Gym A place for men to

find fat, chubby girls." Exercise

Joke Number. 4448

"Man found dead; Killed by weight he was attempting to lift. On the upside, no need for the

Family to go elsewhere for a memorial bench." Exercise

Joke Number. 4449

"I did double my morning Exercise this morning... Must stop forgetting things upstairs."

Exercise

Joke Number. 4450

I like picking fights with myself............... the make-up masturbation is great Exercise

Joke Number. 4451

"My wife has been fitness mad lately and to make her Exercise more fun she asked me to buy her

some of those Hoola Hoops. I wasn't sure on which flavour so I just got the least fattening."

Exercise

Joke Number. 4452

"What's the biggest Difference between men and women? What they mean, when they say: “I

got through a whole box of tissues watching that film.”" Family

Joke Number. 4453

"I walked in on my daughter masturbating this morning. She's still too young to understand what

I was doing, though." Family

Joke Number. 4454

"Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party.

That's when I realized he was the favorite twin." Family

Joke Number. 4455

"One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and

flashed them. The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, but the third one's arm

were too short to reach." Family

Joke Number. 4456

"My daughter came around the other day. So I grabbed a shovel and knocked her straight back

out again." Family

Joke Number. 4457

"My wife and I really weren't expecting a baby, and then BAM...! One smacks right into the

windscreen." Family

Joke Number. 4458

"I'm going to take a picture of my firstborn and use age progression software to figure out what

he'll look like when he's 16. Then I'm going to frame the picture and keep it as a centerpiece in

our house, something he'll grow up looking at. Then when the appropriate time comes, he will

realize that the picture is actually of him, then I am going to try and convince him that he is a

time traveler." Family

Joke Number. 4459

"On the sofa with my wife last night: Me: Honey, you remind me of an onion. Wife: Because I

have so many layers to my personality? Me: No... Wife: Oh, OK, something stupid like you'll

cry when you slice me up? Me: No... Wife: OK, OK, you'd prefer it if I was battered? Me:

No... Wife: You either love me or hate me? I'm good in small doses? I can be overpowering?...

Me: No... Wife: Oh, alright, why then? Me: You smell of onion." Family

Joke Number. 4460

"My wife accused me of hating her Family and relatives. I replied, “No, I don't hate your

relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”" Family

Joke Number. 4461

"I got my son a stripper for his birthday. My wife wasn't impressed, but it's not every day he

turns 4." Family

Joke Number. 4462

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick your cigarette out the

window, and you drive for a couple more miles, and you smell something funny, and you look

over into the back seat, and sure enough............ Grandma's fingering herself again! Family

Joke Number. 4463

Today, I found out that my father named me Luke so he could say, "Luke, I am your father" and

laugh about it. Family

Joke Number. 4464

"I said to my parents, “Mum, Dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on.” “Okay, cool,”

they replied. “Your luggage is outside,” I added." Family

Joke Number. 4465

“"Mummy, can I lick the bowl?” “No, you can flush like everyone else”" Family

Joke Number. 4466

"As the police put the handcuffs on me, my mother said, “Dan, I've failed you as a mother.”

“Mum, my name is Dave.”" Family

Joke Number. 4467

"My wife thinks I'm weird for inviting my 10 year-old sons' girlfriend around to our house for

dinner. Apparently I should have invited my wife and son as well." Family

Joke Number. 4468

"My daughter's school teacher rang me today. “Young Sarah didn't turn up for school today?” he

said. “I know, her mother died yesterday,” I replied. “So she won't be back for a while.” “Sorry

to hear that,” he sighed. “How's she getting on?” “Very well,” I replied. “She's on her third lot of

laundry and has already prepared dinner.”" Family

Joke Number. 4469

I just started to rummage through my teenage sister's knickers drawer then quickly realized I was

doing something totally wrong - I should check the laundry basket first. Family

Joke Number. 4470

"My daughter was running a temperature so I rang the doctor. He asked was she hot. I said,

“Well, with a little make-up...”" Family

Joke Number. 4471

Unlike some people on Sickipedia, I am not tempted by incest and paedophilia. My daughter is

too precious. And ugly. Family

Joke Number. 4472

"My wife came home to find me sniffing my daughter's knickers the other day. Wouldn't have

been so bad if my daughter wasn't wearing them at the time!" Family

Joke Number. 4473

"I was giving my daughter a bath last night. She looked up at me, all covered in soapy suds and

said, “Dad, I'm 16. I can do it myself.”" Family

Joke Number. 4474

Seeing grandparents at Christmas is brilliant; it reminds you that, no matter how bad you get,

there's always someone more racist than you. Family

Joke Number. 4475

"Whenever I eat out at McDonald's, I like to have a Happy Meal... So I leave the wife and kids at

home." Family

Joke Number. 4476

"When a man holds a car door open for his wife... ...it's either a new car or a new wife." Family

Joke Number. 4477

"My old man always used to say to me, “ Son, when one door closes, another one always opens.”

I guess that's why we got burgled so often." Family

Joke Number. 4478

"Got no comeback for that one have you mate? Well if you want my come back, just wipe it off

your mum's chin!" Family

Joke Number. 4479

"For about ten years now, it's been my job to give my gran her pill every day. She hates taking

her pill, so I mix it in with her morning coffee. It's tedious making coffee and putting the pill in

every morning, but if she got pregnant I'd never forgive myself." Family

Joke Number. 4480

"She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast when he walked in. She turned and

said, “You've got to make love to me this very moment.” His eyes lit up and he thought, “This is

my lucky day.” Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right

there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove. More than a

little puzzled, he asked, “What was that all about?” She explained, “The egg timer's broken.”"

Family

Joke Number. 4481

"When meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time, it's hard not to think to yourself... “I've

tasted your daughter's nipples.”" Family

Joke Number. 4482

"We had some people round today, collecting for the old people's home. I'm gonna miss me old

Gran!" Family

Joke Number. 4483

"My daughter accused me of being a bad father. I don't know how she can say that... ...she's

hardly ever met me." Family

Joke Number. 4484

"What have Chlamydia and a cheating husband got in common? My wife has both of them and

doesn't know about it yet." Family

Joke Number. 4485

"A husband and wife are sitting round the table with their three daughters eating dinner when the

oldest of the three asks her parents, “Why was I named Daisy?” “Well,” said her mother, “when

you were born a daisy flew in threw the window and gently landed on your forehead so we

thought it would be nice to name you after it.” The middle daughter then says, “So why am I

called Rose?” “Well,” said her mother, “when you were born a rose flew in threw the window

and gently landed on your forehead so we thought it would be nice to name you after it.” The

daughter smiles and continues to eat her dinner. A few minutes later the youngest of the three

says, “mnnnnnuugughhhh hhmmmmddssssssggggtuuuu tgnngnnnnammj!” The mother says to

her, “Oh shut up Brick!”" Family

Joke Number. 4486

"My daughter has some flawless logic. She said “The world can't end in 2012; I have a yoghurt

that expires in 2013.”" Family

Joke Number. 4487

"When I was 15 my parents told me I was adopted. And that I would be meeting my new parents

that afternoon. Family

Joke Number. 4488

I recently traced my Family tree... It was easier, I'm rubbish at drawing. Family

Joke Number. 4489

"MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch,

they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will

affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes. EATING OUT when the

bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in 20, even though it's only for 32.50. None of

them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the

girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay 2 for a 1 item he

needs. A woman will pay 1 for a 2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. BATHROOMS A

man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of

soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man

would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS a woman has the last

word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries

about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS a successful man is one who makes more money

than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE A

woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman

expecting that she won't change, but she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go

shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A

man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they

went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, Children. A

woman knows all about her Children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best

friends, favourite’s foods, secret fears and hopes and Dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some

short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY a married man should forget his

mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing." Family

Joke Number. 4490

"Ahhh memories. I remember my mother used to say “There's a train coming, there's a train

coming” when she fed me. I used to gobble up the food. Well if I didn't she wouldn't untie me

from the tracks." Family

Joke Number. 4491

"I read somewhere that 37 is too old to still be living with your parents. It was on a note, in my

bedroom." Family

Joke Number. 4492

"My old Granddad used to say, “Fight fire with fire.” It's no wonder the fire brigade sacked him."

Family

Joke Number. 4493

"During an argument with my Granddad, he screamed, “You'd be speaking German if it wasn't

for me!” I said, “Hang on, you didn't fight in the war.” “I know that,” he replied, “But I told you

to choose French for your languages GCSE, remember?”" Family

Joke Number. 4494

My 8 year old son got the Sims for Christmas, he was showing me around his house where he

showed me his wife sleeping in her bed, in the kitchen. I'm so proud of that boy. Family

Joke Number. 4495

I always put my coat on to answer the door just in case it's any of my in-laws, then I can say;

"Sorry, I was just on my way out" and barge past them. Family

Joke Number. 4496

"When I was younger my Grandma used to rub lard into my Grandpa's back when he was ill. He

went downhill fast after that." Family

Joke Number. 4497

"In case you wondered, Father's Day is to thank Dad for nailing your mother. Mother's Day is to

thank Mum for not swallowing you." Family

Joke Number. 4498

Today I realized that I had succeeded as a father, I caught my son watching a Pixie Lott song on

mute. Family

Joke Number. 4499

I come from a really poor Family, we never had any money. If I hadn't been a boy, I'd never have

had anything to play with. Family

Joke Number. 4500

"It's my son's first school nativity play today, and it's the proudest day of my life. I've finally won

the Champion's League on Football Manager. I can't wait till he gets home from school so I can

tell him about it." Family

Joke Number. 4501

"My Granddad always said, “Don't watch your money; watch your health.” So one day, while I

was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my Granddad." Family

Joke Number. 4502

"Just dropped my little one off at the school gates. Don't know why. He works nowhere near the

school." Family

Joke Number. 4503

"I'm not a violent person and I certainly don't agree with hitting kids. I've never laid a single

finger on my son. I've stuck a couple up my daughter though." Family

Joke Number. 4504

“"Daddy, why is mum zigzagging down the garden?” “Quiet son, I'm trying to aim.”" Family

Joke Number. 4505

"When my older brother and I were little we were always playing Robin Hood. Only thing was,

he was always Robin Hood and I had to be Little John. After a while I got sick of this and told

him I wasn't playing any more. “Ok” he said. “We'll play a different game and you can be

Robin.” “Brilliant” I said. “Who are you gonna be?” “Batman” he said." Family

Joke Number. 4506

"During a blazing row with my youngest son, he turned to me and screamed, “I wish I was

adopted”. Well, it’s taken six months and a lot of paperwork, but finally I've managed to make

his wish come true." Family

Joke Number. 4507

"My husband wanted a campervan. So I had his white van spray painted pink!" Family

Joke Number. 4508

A 54 year old accountant informs his wife he is leaving her for an 18 year old girl. His wife, also

54 informs him that she also has a new 18 year old partner and being an accountant he must

realize that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 into 18. Family

Joke Number. 4509

"Two old ladies are having a cigarette outside the old folk’s home and it starts to rain. One of

them suddenly pulls a condom out of her handbag, unravels it and puts it over the cigarette so it

doesn't get wet. “Ooh, what's that, Betty?” the other asks. “It's called a condom, they sell them at

the chemist's dear,” she answers. So the other goes to the chemist's and, when asked for a

condom by such an elderly lady and seeing an opportunity for mirth, the young oink behind the

counter smirks and asks, “so what would you like, a ribbed one, a French tickler, flavored?” “Oh,

I don't mind, dear, as long as it fits a Camel.”" Family

Joke Number. 4510

"A young boy comes home with an armchair under each arm and a sofa strapped to his back. His

father is furious and says, “how many times have I told you not to accept suites from

strangers?”" Family

Joke Number. 4511

"I hate it when couples have a little argument and the girlfriend changes her Facebook status to

'single'. I mean, I have arguments with my parents all the time, you don't see me changing my

status to 'orphan'." Family

Joke Number. 4512

"If your parents never had Children, chances are you won't either." Family

Joke Number. 4513

There's nothing more awkward than beating your Family on a Wii game that requires the remote

to be vigorously jerked back and forth, only for your mother to ask you "Have you been

practicing? Family

Joke Number. 4514

"When I asked my Gran what she wanted for Christmas, she replied, “The best present I could

ask for is to be surrounded by my friends.” Well, we've just got back from the cemetery and she

doesn't seem too happy." Family

Joke Number. 4515

"I was mortified when my son caught me walking around the bedroom in high heels and

women's underwear. I don't know why, I'm his mother." Family

Joke Number. 4516

"My parents couldn't tell the time. When I'd come home from a date, they'd always say, “Do you

have any idea what time it is?”" Family

Joke Number. 4517

"I and my Family buried my Grandma this morning... Her jokes just weren't good enough"

Family

Joke Number. 4518

"On a train from London to Manchester an American was berating the Englishman sitting across

from him in the compartment. “You English are too stiff. You set yourself apart too much. You

think your stiff upper lips make you above the rest of us. Look at me... I’m me. I have Italian

blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?”

The Englishman replied, “Very sporting of your mother.”" Family

Joke Number. 4519

"At the age of six I was left an orphan. What kind of idiot gives an orphan to a six-year-old?"

Family

Joke Number. 4520

"I have had the mother in law down for the weekend. I'll put her back on the roof tomorrow."

Family

Joke Number. 4521

"My missus accused me of caring more about my fantasy football team than my own kids. In my

defense, I had Rio Ferdinand, John Terry, Ashley Cole and Glen Johnson." Family

Joke Number. 4522

"My teenage daughter slipped in the shower today. She should be thankful I was there to catch

her." Family

Joke Number. 4523

"I picked up a filthy little slag last night. That's the last time my daughter uses me as a taxi

service." Family

Joke Number. 4524

"I'm sure my daughter is going to grow up to be a slapper. I took her to the dentists yesterday and

he said, 'open wide.' She said, 'I can't - there's arms on the chair.'" Family

Joke Number. 4525

"When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one. So one

morning, I woke up early and went to the garage. I got some wood and some nails... And beat my

parents to death. My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards." Family

Joke Number. 4526

My mother-in-law said to me, "never put off till tomorrow what you can do today." So I killed

her. Family

Joke Number. 4527

“"Sit up straight at the dinner table!” said my wife to my son. “Why?” he asked. “Dad doesn't.”

“That's because he's spineless,” she replied. I really should say something but I don't want to

cause a fuss." Family

Joke Number. 4528

"Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them

to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said,

“So, what did you bring?” The second convict pulled out a box of oils and stated that he intended

to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the 'John Constable of Jail'. Then he asked the

first, “What did you bring?” The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, “I

brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games.” The third convict was

sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, “Why are you so

smug? What did you bring?” The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled, saying, “I brought

these.” The other two were puzzled and asked, “What on earth can you do with those?” He

grinned, pointed to the box and said, “Well, according to the box, I can go horseback riding,

swimming, skiing, roller-skating......”" Family

Joke Number. 4529

"My dad’s in a coma. He's living the dream." Family

Joke Number. 4530

Welcome to the Family Planning Clinic; please use the rear entrance Family

Joke Number. 4531

"My father in law handed me a note on my wedding day saying, “Goods delivered are nonreturnable.”

I handed it back and said, “Contract void if seal is broken.”" Family

Joke Number. 4532

A woman's mind is just like a Rubik's cube... Much easier to figure out when you smash it to

pieces with a brick. Family

Joke Number. 4533

"A wife says to her husband, “You make love like you decorate.” Her husband replies, “What,

very slow and professional?” “No,” she replies, “I have to finish myself.”" Family

Joke Number. 4534

"Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says

to the landlord: “Don't mind us, were joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian

beers: draft, please.” The landlord, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation

while pouring the beers. “Been on holiday yet, lads?” “Off to England next month,” says John.

“We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't us, Jim?” Jim agrees. “Ah,

England!” says the landlord. “Wonderful country: the history, the beer, the culture...” “Nah, we

don't like that British stuff,” says John. “Hamburgers and Molson’s beer, that's us, eh Jim? And

we can't stand the English!” “So why keep going to England?” asks the landlord. “It's the only

chance Jim gets to drive.”" Family

Joke Number. 4535

"Top Tip: Forget rip off sites like Friends Reunited and Genes Reunited. If you want to get in

contact with long lost friends or relatives... Simply win the lottery." Family

Joke Number. 4536

"My wife and her sister are twins and look alike in almost every way. Her sister lives with us.

One time I came home from work to find her in the shower so I got undressed got into the

shower with her, started touching her and said, “How about some quiet one-on-one time without

your sister being home?” Then I realised I had made a terrible mistake. It was my wife." Family

Joke Number. 4537

"Those footsteps on the roof can mean only one thing! My dad's gone and joined fathers for

justice..." Family

Joke Number. 4538

"I was asked to describe my relationship with my father... “Beats me,” I replied." Family

Joke Number. 4539

the Difference between me and you is you came out of your mum, and I came in her Family

Joke Number. 4540

"I went to see my daughter's ballet dancing show yesterday and ended up getting thrown out. To

be fair, I shouldn’t have stuffed money down the front of her Tutu, but she was good." Family

Joke Number. 4541

"Why do men fart more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up the

pressure." Family

Joke Number. 4542

"There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the

wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The

joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see

the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be

the father of that child. “Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.” Then he gave her a stern

look and asked, “Have you been fooling around on me?” The wife just smiled sweetly and said,

“Not this time.”" Family

Joke Number. 4543

An alcoholic is sitting outside his home after just being divorced, and notices a crate of empty

beer bottles. He takes out an empty bottle and smashes it into the wall screaming, "You are the

reason I don't have a WIFE now". He smashes the second bottle screaming, "You are the reason I

don't have my Children!" He smashes the third bottle screaming, "You are the reason I don't have

a job!". Then he notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer and says, "Stand aside my

friend. I know you weren't involved." Family

Joke Number. 4544

"I was driving on the motorway last week when I noticed a sign that said “Turn off - 500

metres”. Sure enough, 500 metres later, on the side of the road was my Granny with no knickers,

lifting up her dress." Family

Joke Number. 4545

"My Jewish friend makes his wife walk five steps behind him, in case he drops any money."

Family

Joke Number. 4546

“"Dad, can you do my math homework for me?” “No son, it wouldn't be right.” “Well, at least

you could try.”" Family

Joke Number. 4547

Parents. It's people like them that give us a bad name. Family

Joke Number. 4548

"My wife and I have been arguing about whether we should spank our six-year-old daughter or

not. I say yes and my wife says I should wait until she's done something wrong." Family

Joke Number. 4549

"My Granddad was telling me how hard it was at Dunkirk. Trying to get to the beach in doublequick

time before the boats left wasn't easy: the terrain was rough and he really hadn't got to

grips with his new Panzer tank at all." Family

Joke Number. 4550

"I gave my dad an 'e' now he's dead." Family

Joke Number. 4551

"It's amazing how having a baby can change some people. My wife used to be quite attractive."

Family

Joke Number. 4552

"A man is walking along a beach when he accidentally kicks a bottle and a genie pops out. The

genie thanks the man for freeing him and says, “I will grant you three wishes. But I am a cursed

genie, so your mother-in-law will get double what you wish for.” The guy agrees and says,” For

my first wish, I want a luxury yacht.” The genie says,” Your wish is my command!” and poof! A

luxury yacht appears, and at the same moment, two yachts appear at his mother-in-law's house.

“And for your second wish?” the genie asks. The guy says, “I wish for 10,000,000.” “Your wish

is my command!” the genie says. And poof! A pile of 10,000,000 appears in front of the man and

at the same moment 20,000,000 appears in his mother-in-law's bank account. The genie says,

“Now, this is your third and final wish, choose carefully.” “I wish there was a guy here who will

beat me half to death.”" Family

Joke Number. 4553

"Earlier tonight I woke up to the horror of my house on fire. I hurriedly woke the kids, grabbed

the dog & we made our way downstairs. “Shush now kids, be quiet” I said as I let them out. “We

don't want to wake your mother”" Family

Joke Number. 4554

"What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car."

Family

Joke Number. 4555

"One of my daughters suffers from a terrible nut allergy. She's ok with the bell-end and shaft, but

she starts to choke and her eyes water when I force my nuts in her mouth as well." Family

Joke Number. 4556

"I bought the Mother-in-Law a lovely chair for her birthday. If she'd only plug it in..." Family

Joke Number. 4557

"A wife walks in and says to her husband; “I've some good news and some bad news!” “What's

the good news?” asks hubby. “The air bag on your brand new Audi works fine!”" Family

Joke Number. 4558

"What do hillbillies do at Halloween? Pumpkin." Family

Joke Number. 4559

"My wife said to me, “I always get wet when I bath the kids” I said, “I know what you mean, I

always get an erection.”" Family

Joke Number. 4560

“"Mummy, Mummy! Why do they call me spastic at school?” “Shut up and take your feet out of

your pockets.”" Family

Joke Number. 4561

"My son said that for his birthday he wanted some cars to play with. So I've just dropped him off

on the M25." Family

Joke Number. 4562

"Bill took his dog to the vet. “Doctor,” he said sadly, “I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to

cut off my dog's tail.” The vet stepped back, “Bill, why should I do such a terrible thing?” Bill

replied, “Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her

think she is welcome.”" Family

Joke Number. 4563

"My ex-husband was buried today... Finally, a hole he can actually fill." Family

Joke Number. 4564

When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Family

Joke Number. 4565

"Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny

received his plate, he started eating straight away. “Jonny, wait until we've said our prayer,” his

mother reminded him. “I don't have to,” the little boy replied. “Of course you do,” his mother

insisted. “We say a prayer before eating at our house.” “That's at our house,” Johnny explained,

“but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.”" Family

Joke Number. 4566

“"Mommy, Mommy! Can I go to the toilet?” “Yes, Johnny, I'll take you in a minute...” “Can

Granny take me?” “Why?” “Her hand shakes.”" Family

Joke Number. 4567

I always wanted to be a comedian as a child. My Dad told me I should practice in the bath, so I

did. The bad thing is, he said the same thing to my brother. He was an electrician. Family

Joke Number. 4568

"I saved my daughter from choking this morning. I just fancied a hand job." Family

Joke Number. 4569

"I hate my Mum walking with me to school every day, Oh well, she'll be old enough to drive

soon." Family

Joke Number. 4570

"Son: “Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a

lady.” Mom: “Well, you have done the right thing.” Son: “But mom, I was sitting on daddy's

lap.”" Family

Joke Number. 4571

"I've recently been encouraging my sixteen year old daughter to find a job to help pay for her

college education. Last week she came home with five applications and later that night I read

them. Under “previous employment”, she listed, “babysitter”. Under “reason for leaving”, she

wrote, “they came home”." Family

Joke Number. 4572

"My Grandad is always complaining about how much things cost. “Two quid for a cup of tea?!”

I said, “Well you just popped round, I didn't invite you!”" Family

Joke Number. 4573

"I was talking man to man with my 18 year old son when I said, “You'll have kids of your own

one day.” He replied, “So will you, dad.”" Family

Joke Number. 4574

"I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, no

more payments! So I called my daughter, Jane, to come over to my house. When she got there, I

said to her, “I want you to take this last cheque over to your mother's house and tell her that this

is the last cheque she's ever going to get from me. And I want you to come back and tell me the

expression that's on her face.” So Jane took the cheque over to her. I was really anxious to hear

what she had to say. As Jane walked through the door, I said, “Now what did she have to say?”

“She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy, and to watch the expression on your face.”"

Family

Joke Number. 4575

"My son is at that age when he's started crawling. You know the age, “You're the best dad, can I

have a tenner?”" Family

Joke Number. 4576

"I saw the photos of his kids on my boss's desk- “You must feel blessed to have two beautiful

Children,” I told him. “Well, actually I've got three kids,” he answered. “I know,” I said." Family

Joke Number. 4577

"The other day, I visited an old people's home as part of my community service. I asked one of

the old men, “How do you feel living here?” He replied, “I feel like a new born baby.” I thought,

“How wonderful,” and asked him, “Why do you feel that way?” To which he replied, “I've got

no hair, no teeth, and I just shat myself.”" Family

Joke Number. 4578

"Looking forward to rear of the year. I'm entering my sisters." Family

Joke Number. 4579

"I walked in from work today and my wife looked upset in a panic. “Our daughter's been missing

since 8 o'clock this morning,” she wept. “It's 9pm now!” “Quick, phone the police,” I said. “And

throw me the car keys.” “Call me if you find her,” she cried, as I walked out the door. “Sure

will,” I replied. “But I doubt she's gonna turn up at Dave's on poker night.”" Family

Joke Number. 4580

"My teenage daughter had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then hung up.

“That was quick,” I said. “You usually talk for at least two hours. What happened?” “Wrong

number,” she replied." Family

Joke Number. 4581

"My Granddad is going senile. When he saw a sign saying “Wet Floor”. He did!!!" Family

Joke Number. 4582

"'Brave girl, 7, has body of a granny' two fantasies rolled into one." Family

Joke Number. 4583

"When is Mother's Day? Nine months after Father's Night." Family

Joke Number. 4584

"Today I asked the missus if she fancied going to see a romantic film then maybe having a nice

meal somewhere. She seemed really excited. “Sounds fantastic! How thoughtful of you!”

“Great,” I said. “There's thirty quid. I'll see you in a few hours, I'm going to the pub.”" Family

Joke Number. 4585

"My stepson has thrown a tantrum and accused me of favoritism towards my own daughter,

Chloe. I'd send him to his room in the outhouse if it hadn't already been converted into a stable

for Chloe's new pony." Family

Joke Number. 4586

"I arrived home to find the police waiting for me. “I'm sorry to tell you sir, but your wife is

dead.” said an officer. “She went to the bakery, bought two pies, ate one and then dropped dead.

“What happened to the other pie?” I asked." Family

Joke Number. 4587

It's nice in the sun. But it's even nicer in the daughter Family

Joke Number. 4588

"My great-great-great-granddad invented the Cold Air Balloon. It was a decent idea but, for

some reason, it never really took off" Family

Joke Number. 4589

"When my dad left my mum, he said something that really moved me. He said, “I've sold the

house, pack your bags by Friday.”" Family

Joke Number. 4590

"Dear Agony Aunt, I've recently started dating a 46 year old woman, and she has 2 kids. I've also

started sleeping with her 20 year old daughter. I don't need any Advice, I just thought I'd let you

know. Max." Family

Joke Number. 4591

"Researchers at Sterling University have found that parents who joke and play 'pretend' games

with their Children help them to form valuable social skills for life. So I've told my kids I'm

taking them to Disneyland next week." Family

Joke Number. 4592

"Did you keep the receipt for the dog food you got yesterday? Isn't the best way to break the

news to your wife that her dog is dead?" Family

Joke Number. 4593

"My parents hated me as a child. One Christmas I opened my present to find an empty shoe box.

They told me it was an action man deserter." Family

Joke Number. 4594

"My father was really keen on all the outdoor pursuits like hunting and fishing so I'll always

remember the last words he said to me before he died. “Be careful where you're pointing that

gun”." Family

Joke Number. 4595

"After saying I didn't want to go and see my mother-in-law in hospital, my wife said I needed to

sort my priorities out. So I filed for divorce, got drunk and went to watch the football." Family

Joke Number. 4596

I honestly do think that my daughter's new mini-skirt looks rather tight and revealing, but I like

to wear it anyway... Family

Joke Number. 4597

My wife and I have recently discovered that our teenage daughter is a compulsive liar. Sounds

like a great 'get out of jail free card' to me. Family

Joke Number. 4598

Why do old people always have the heating on full blast even in summertime? Went to see my

granny yesterday and sure enough it must have been 90 degrees in her house. The poor old dear

was dripping sweat. Mind you, at least I didn't have to lube her up... Family

Joke Number. 4599

"My mother-in-law was always nagging. She said I would never make anything of myself. So I

strangled her and made myself a murderer." Family

Joke Number. 4600

"My child was complaining to me about how he didn't want to go visit his grandma. I told him to

shut up and continue digging." Family

Joke Number. 4601

"When I was a little girl, I and my twin had it tough. Our mother would dress us in identical

clothes. I didn't mind too much but my twin hated it, especially when the boys used to look up

his skirt to see what colour knickers he was wearing." Family

Joke Number. 4602

"Did you hear about the man who fell into a machine at the upholstery factory? Luckily, he's

fully recovered" Family

Joke Number. 4603

Your mom is so hairy she makes King Kong look like a cancer patient. Family

Joke Number. 4604

"I love bouncing my mother-in-law on my knee. Sticking her in a football is more fun than an

urn." Family

Joke Number. 4605

"My friends think I'm a terrible Dad when I fob my Children off with, “Go and ask your

Mother”. It just gives me an hour or so to myself while they go to her grave." Family

Joke Number. 4606

"A man was complaining to a friend, “I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the

love of a beautiful woman... then, poof! It was all gone!” “What happened?” asked the friend.

“My wife found out...”" Family

Joke Number. 4607

"Everytime I look at my daughter, I remember Joseph Fritzl and think: “I could do that!”"

Family

Joke Number. 4608

"A man went into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. When it was placed before him he

exclaimed, “My goodness: an ice cube with a hole in it, that's new.” “No it isn't,” commented a

sullen looking man sitting next to him, “I married one.”" Family

Joke Number. 4609

"My teenage daughter has just told me she is pregnant, even though she took precautions. I took

precautions too. I swapped her birth control pills with Rohypnol." Family

Joke Number. 4610

"I am such a loser that I took my sister out for dinner on Valentine's Day. Still got laid, though."

Family

Joke Number. 4611

"My dad is brilliant. He always used to let me have a beer when my mum went out. For my 40th

birthday he let me have two." Family

Joke Number. 4612

The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives. Family

Joke Number. 4613

"I was named after my grandfather. Well I wasn't going to be named before him, was I?" Family

Joke Number. 4614

When I was a kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Family

Joke Number. 4615

"I like taking my 6 year-old daughter to swimming lessons. As a parent, I think it's a vital skill

that could save her life one day. But for now, I'll enjoy the camel-toe." Family

Joke Number. 4616

"I've just found out I've got a three year old daughter! My wife says I need to be a bit more

attentive round the house." Family

Joke Number. 4617

“"Mummy, Mummy, can't we give Jane's baby a proper funeral?” “Shut up and keep flushing!”"

Family

Joke Number. 4618

"Why are men with pierced ears more suited to marriage? Because they have already

experienced pain and bought jewelry." Family

Joke Number. 4619

"Just found out my dad used to work for Johnny Cash! Collecting the money from condom

machines." Family

Joke Number. 4620

I grew up without having a dad and it made me mature quicker, more independent and stronger.

That's why I'm ditching my kids, it's for their own good. Family

Joke Number. 4621

"Went on a pleasure trip last weekend. Drove my mother-in-law to the airport." Family

Joke Number. 4622

"I remember when I was a kid, I was at a Family dinner. There was this huge chocolate cake for

after’s. I couldn't take my eyes off it. My Granddad saw me and said, “go on, no-one's looking.”

I said, “are you sure?” “Course I'm sure,” he replied. So I whacked him in the mouth." Family

Joke Number. 4623

"My son tragically lost his life over the weekend. He got his finger stuck in a ring." Family

Joke Number. 4624

"When are a mother-in-law and a beer both at their best? When they're cold, on a table and

opened up." Family

Joke Number. 4625

Your mum's so fat that I wouldn't be surprised if it caused her some minor health problems, or

even some troubles in her day-to-day running of things. She may also suffer from lack of

confidence, self-esteem issues and/or minor depression. I would suggest for her to get some

counselling. Family

Joke Number. 4626

"After some deliberation I've decided to think generous this Christmas and so I'm going to give

each member of my Family a cheque for 1,000 I haven't actually got any money in my account,

but they do say it's the thought that counts." Family

Joke Number. 4627

"GMTV are running a story about how school teachers are no longer allowed to apply sun cream

to school Children in summer for fear of prosecution from parents. Similar stories say that

careers aren't allowed to rub cream into the elderly either. They're all outraged and say its

political correctness gone mad. Well I can second their arguments. I was liberally applying sun

cream to my next door neighbor’s 15 year old daughter's chest and I'm now facing a prison

sentence and/or a security tag. When will this madness end?!?" Family

Joke Number. 4628

"Went to the planetarium with my Family this afternoon. Imagine my wife's surprise when she

discovered she's not the centre of the universe!" Family

Joke Number. 4629

"It was the first day of school and the teacher was asking the little boy about his Family. “And

what does your Daddy do?” “He's a magician.” “That must be exciting” What tricks can he do?”

“He can saw people in half.” “That is clever. And, tell me, do you have any brothers or sisters?”

“Yes, one half-brother and two-half-sisters.”" Family

Joke Number. 4630

“"Mummy, Mummy, can I get pregnant?” “Of course not, Susie, you're only 7.” “Right lads,

same again!”" Family

Joke Number. 4631

"I woke up this morning to my wife standing over me. “Happy birthday!” she burst out. “Guess

where we're going tonight?” “Where? Where?” I asked, with delight. “Spain! For a week!” she

winked. “The kids as well?” I said, smile spread across my face. “Oh yes,” she giggled. “You're

the best!” I replied. “When do you leave?”" Family

Joke Number. 4632

"The wife asked me to take the Mother in Law out last night....... a good right hook did the

trick!" Family

Joke Number. 4633

"Dead. Carlsberg don't do mother-in-laws..." Family

Joke Number. 4634

A Mother was arguing with her teenage daughter when she finally reaches breaking point and

blurts out, "I should have swallowed you when I had the chance!" Family

Joke Number. 4635

My friend's son is now a green belt at karate. I presume that means you can't build houses on

him. Family

Joke Number. 4636

"I am a responsible parent. I give my kids safety matches to play with." Family

Joke Number. 4637

"What rises 8 inches when my wife gets in at night? The water level in the bath." Family

Joke Number. 4638

"What do women call masturbation? Finishing the job." Family

Joke Number. 4639

"I'm so lucky to be surrounded by such an honest and loving Family. I think it's because of this,

no one has died since I was born. Would you believe my rabbit is 54 years old today? Though I

do wish grandma would come back from her 25 year cruise." Family

Joke Number. 4640

“"Mummy, where do babies come from?” “Well, daddies make sperm and put it inside

mummies.” “Do mummies eat it?” “Only if they want new shoes.”" Family

Joke Number. 4641

When I saw your mum crossing the road, I ran out of petrol trying to drive around her. Family

Joke Number. 4642

"They say that you should never go back to a firework once it's been lit. Our back garden's been

out of bounds since 1997." Family

Joke Number. 4643

"A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an

inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly

reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a

few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The priest

noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head

“Yes” and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would

shake his head, “No” and mumble a reply. Curious, the priest later asked the farmer what that

was all about. The farmer replied, “The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would

nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'“ The men would ask, “'You want to sell that mule?' and I

would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'" Family

Joke Number. 4644

Athletes run in my Family. Family

Joke Number. 4645

"My wife accuses me of being petty and Childish. I said to her, “Your MUM is petty and

Childish.”" Family

Joke Number. 4646

"My daughter is doing her masters at university. Well, let's face it, that's the only way she's going

to get decent marks." Family

Joke Number. 4647

"I've just seen an ad saying, “If your Dad was having a stroke, could you tell?” I couldn't help

think... 'Well he was until I was 12 and he made it perfectly clear what would happen if I told'."

Family

Joke Number. 4648

"I decided to trace my Family tree and was very disappointed with the results. I come from a

long line of dead people." Family

Joke Number. 4649

"Mummy, Mummy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men? Shut up and get

back in the oven." Family

Joke Number. 4650

"Just as mom walks through the door, little Jonny comes running over. He says ''Mommy,

Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started

kissing and then they took off each other’s clothes and laid down on the bed...'' The mother

interrupts him. ''Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!'' When the father finally returns

from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ''I'm leaving you.'' The father, bewildered,

slowly asks ''Why!?! What did I do??'' The mother turns to Jonny and says '' tell daddy exactly

what you told me today!'' ''I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door

and they started kissing and then they took each other's clothes off and laid down on the

bed...just like what you and Uncle Joe did last summer." Family

Joke Number. 4651

"Three women were sitting around talking about their husband’s performance as a lover. The

first woman says, “My Husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and

chocolates before we make love. I like that.” The second woman says, “My husband is a

motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.”

The third woman just shakes her head and says, “My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits

on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.”" Family

Joke Number. 4652

"Top Tip! Tired of sleeping with the same wife? Simply lie on top of her until she goes numb,

and Hey Presto! She'll feel like someone else's wife." Family

Joke Number. 4653

"Why do bald men have holes in their pockets? So they can run their fingers through their hair."

Family

Joke Number. 4654

"Life’s great at the minute, I've got a big house, new sports car, a lovely wife and 3 great kids...

They're not mine of course, but hey, finder’s keepers..." Family

Joke Number. 4655

"My dad was a man of few words. I remember he once said to me, “Son”." Family

Joke Number. 4656

"When my three-year-old son opened a birthday present from his granddad, he discovered a

water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I turned to my dad and

said, “I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water

guns?” My dad smiled and simply replied, “I most certainly do.”" Family

Joke Number. 4657

My daughter said she wanted to get loads of piercings, so to save on money I made her bath the

cat. Family

Joke Number. 4658

"Has anyone else noticed that the most evil and infamous men in history have sported

moustaches? Adolf Hitler, Joseph Fritzl, Saddam Huessein... Super Mario..." Family

Joke Number. 4659

"I've been doing some research into my Family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a

terrible dictator. Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said." Family

Joke Number. 4660

My dad gave me some great Advice when I was younger. When I was 14, he sat me down, said,

"Someday you're going to meet a girl who's going to be so right and so wonderful and so perfect

that you're not even going to haggle over the price." Family

Joke Number. 4661

"My wife came home yesterday and burst into the room and without explanation said she wanted

a divorce and threw me out of the house straight afterwards. I was left with only the clothes I

stood up in . . . . . . Our daughter's bra and panties!" Family

Joke Number. 4662

"Not really a joke but i thought it was quite funny, I was walking home the other day and in one

of the gardens was a man sitting down in a sunbed reading the paper with a cup of tea. Next to

him his wife was mowing the lawn. I should have saluted the man really." Family

Joke Number. 4663

Your Mom's so black, she went to night school and got marked absent Family

Joke Number. 4664

"I remember dad coming home, telling mum the factory was closing and there'd be no more

work. Then he sat down in his chair and screamed at the top of his voice - it was possibly the

wrong moment to have played the drawing pin on the seat gag." Family

Joke Number. 4665

Relatively speaking........I’m your cousin Family

Joke Number. 4666

My Daughter and I have a really close relationship and she can get very emotional...sometimes

when we're alone she gets a lump in her throat. Family

Joke Number. 4667

"I was just about to head off to the shop one day when my gran asked for some plums. Being the

polite young man I am, I proceeded to teabag her." Family

Joke Number. 4668

"A young boy comes running up to a policeman and says “Please, officer, come back to the bar

with me, my father's in a fight.” Sure enough, they get back to the bar and there's three guys

fighting like you wouldn't believe. The cop turns to the kid and says “Okay, which one's your

father?” The kid looks up at the cop and replies “I don't know, officer - that's what they're

fighting about.”" Family

Joke Number. 4669

"I'll never forgive my father for the mug he gave me on my birthday. I'd much rather have

inherited my mother's features." Family

Joke Number. 467

"A farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As

soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and

sideburns. Being pleased with his hairy face, he had his photo taken and sent it off to his parents.

On the back of the photo he scrawled, “How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?” Shortly

after, the son received this terse note: “You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and

you can't even spell!”" Family

Joke Number. 4671

"I vividly recall my Grandfather and me digging a hole in the back garden and filling it with

water. Ah, yes. I remember that well." Family

Joke Number. 4672

"My new television has parental control. I'm going to use it to get my mum to make me a

sandwich." Family

Joke Number. 4673

"All my Lego figures are violent, alcoholic drug users. Maybe it's because they come from

broken homes." Family

Joke Number. 4674

"I tried to register for phone banking, but couldn't set it up. I was adopted and don't know my

mother’s maiden name." Family

Joke Number. 4675

I went to my girlfriend’s house for tea yesterday. When she blamed her farts on her Dog I just

had to laugh.... I'd just run him over in the drive way! Family

Joke Number. 4676

"I take my daughter everywhere. But she always finds her way home." Family

Joke Number. 4677

"I had a big row with the wife last night. She said, “You don't love me anymore full stop!” I said,

“You're wrong - I don't love you anymore exclamation mark!”" Family

Joke Number. 4678

"It’s important that you remember your elderly relatives in this cold winter weather. Pop round,

open a few windows and think of the inheritance." Family

Joke Number. 4679

"After years of resentment between me and my mother-in-law, I’ve finally developed an

attachment for her. It fits over her mouth and stops her breathing." Family

Joke Number. 4680

"My wife's a real peach! Round and hairy." Family

Joke Number. 4681

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. Family

Joke Number. 4682

Ladbrokes should be called Broke lads Family

Joke Number. 4683

"First, we were hunter gatherers, collecting mushrooms, nuts and berries from the jungle floor.

Then, we became scavengers, eating the remains of the kills of carnivores. Then, we became

hunters and we learned to kill for ourselves with primitive bows and spears. Then we discovered

fire and at last we could cook our food. ...And then my parents separated and I was taken into

care!" Family

Joke Number. 4684

"My sister walked in with a smile on her face holding hands with some bloke she had just met.

She said, “Guess what mum, my date didn't show up but it turned out for the best.” My mum

asked, “Oh that's nice hun, who's the lucky guy?” I said, “The one that didn't show.”" Family

Joke Number. 4685

"My gran's one of those people who thinks a cup of tea is the answer to everything. And the daft

bat still wonders why she didn't get past the first round of Mastermind." Family

Joke Number. 4686

"Sometimes I make my daughter do things she does understand and doesn't like. Tidying her

bedroom, for example." Family

Joke Number. 4687

"WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST she’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son

is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her

boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk cArton."

Family

Joke Number. 4688

I DONT think I’m very good in bed. My husband never said anything but after we made love he

would take a piece of chalk and outline my body. Family

Joke Number. 4689

"My daughter's been really well behaved today after I made her sit on the naughty step yesterday.

Admittedly it was the top step of a twenty foot ladder." Family

Joke Number. 4690

"I said, “Father, I've been thinking . . My brother Mohammed is so good at math and my sister

Zainab, so gifted on the piano. Yet I am useless at everything. Was I adopted?” He said, “Why

would you think that, Clive?”" Family

Joke Number. 4691

"'Hey Dad, do you know any jokes?' 'Sure Son, go ask your mother what she does for a living'"

Family

Joke Number. 4692

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I am 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears

every time she sees me. Family

Joke Number. 4693

"My girlfriend said I'm turning into her dad. To be fair, he shouldn't stand in the middle of our

driveway like that." Family

Joke Number. 4694

"It was tough growing up with strict parents as a deaf kid. At meal times I was always told off

for speaking with my hands full." Family

Joke Number. 4695

"A little bit of domestic abuse never hurt anyone... Well...no one that mattered anyway." Family

Joke Number. 4696

"My philosophy on life is to ignore things until they go away. Apparently this is an unacceptable

approach to parenting." Family

Joke Number. 4697

"I remember as a child going round granddad’s house on the weekends to pump iron. I still think

that’s a funny name for a dog." Family

Joke Number. 4698

I wouldn't say my mother was a nosey old cow, but she's just applied to go on Mastermind with

the specialist subject: The comings and goings at our neighbor’s house - 1830 to half past

midnight. Family

Joke Number. 4699

"After carrying my daughter Amy out of the burning house I knew I had to go back in. I fought

my way through the flames, kicked the door of the bathroom down and saw my ginger son

unconscious in the empty room. At which point I realized that Amy must have left her Barbie in

the car so I went back outside." Family

Joke Number. 4700

I was brought up by a Family of Bulimics. Family

Joke Number. 4701

"Since my kids stopped believing in Santa, things have become quite awkward. They now know

it's me that doesn't buy them presents." Family

Joke Number. 4702

Its funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it

magically becomes yours too. Family

Joke Number. 4703

"My dad's recently been hitting the booze every night. I like to call him alcopop" Family

Joke Number. 4704

My daughter looks so cute in a little sailor’s suit! The salty spray in her hair... Family

Joke Number. 4705

My mother in law was due home yesterday from her holiday in Athens. I've had my fingers

crossed all night. Family

Joke Number. 4706

"It's the mother in law's funeral tomorrow. She's only gone and cancelled it" Family

Joke Number. 4707

"I've been trying to research my Family history, then I found a web site that does it all for you.

Its simple just enter a few personal details and... ....Bob's your uncle." Family

Joke Number. 4708

"I'd been trying to settle down with one girlfriend for several years; however the problem mainly

was that my mum didn't like any of the girls I brought home. Brunettes were too dull, blonde’s

too stupid, redheads too fiery. However, one day I met a girl who was exactly the same as my

mum in personality and looks (except a bit younger). I took her home and my dad didn't like

her!" Family

Joke Number. 4709

"How many blokes does it take to change a light bulb? Three; one to change it, and two to listen

while he brags about how he screwed it." Family

Joke Number. 4710

"I always know when my daughter is masturbating in her bedroom. It shows up on the spy cam."

Family

Joke Number. 4711

"I told my daughter I was going to give up smoking. She said, “You'll never do it, you don't have

the willpower.” “I think you'll find I have incredible willpower, which is the only reason you're

still a virgin,” I replied." Family

Joke Number. 4712

"I brought my kids some crayons yesterday... It was a present to make my kin scrawl. Family

Joke Number. 4713

"We may have our Differences, but I do sometimes envy the mother-in-law. She always could

grow a moustache faster than me." Family

Joke Number. 4714

The other day the wife said to me "Its obvious women are smArter than men. Think about it!

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend; man’s best friend is a dog." to which I replied "let’s see a

diamond rescue you when your drowning". That wiped the smug look off her face. Family

Joke Number. 4715

"I am the youngest of 3 in my Family. My mum and dad are much older than me" Family

Joke Number. 4716

"Got a 'pony' for my 11 year-old daughter yesterday. Pretty disappointing really, I had expected

to get at least 200 quid for her. Mind you, I might have done if she'd still been a virgin!" Family

Joke Number. 4717

"My wife woke me up in the early hours saying can you hear something I thinks it's a burglar go

and see. I replied it might be a rapist you go and see." Family

Joke Number. 4718

Live off your parents until you can live off your Children. Family

Joke Number. 4719

"Man sells his award winning Doberman pinscher for 20. When asked why he replied. It attacked

and killed my mother-in-law last week and I don't need it anymore." Family

Joke Number. 4720

I was watching TV with the wife in the lounge. I could hear my daughters making a right racket

in their bedroom. I shouted, "Knock it off! Don't make me come, down there". My wife turned to

me and said "They're upstairs dear", I think she misunderstood what I was threatening them with.

Family

Joke Number. 4721

"When I was a kid I lived for football - I was either playing football or watching football. My

dad said, “I think I'll be watching you run out at Stamford Bridge when you're grown up”. He

was so wrong - he got hit by a bus a week later." Family

Joke Number. 4722

"I'm always dead awkward around relatives, I can never say the right thing. Just the other day my

gran said 'Look! You're growing a beard!' Apparently, 'So are you' is not an appropriate

response." Family

Joke Number. 4723

"I just hit my wife with a memory foam pillow. She'll never forget it!" Family

Joke Number. 4724

"The camera in my daughter's bathroom is for safety purposes only. I can't risk going on those

websites anymore." Family

Joke Number. 4725

"My wife's dinners melt in my mouth. I wish she'd defrost them first." Family

Joke Number. 4726

Being called 'cool' by your parents is like being called 'fashionable' by someone wearing a potato

sack Family

Joke Number. 4727

"The school said my son is really clever and could end up being a scientist! I wonder where he

gets that from. I'll ask the milkman - he's in Mensa and has been on Mastermind." Family

Joke Number. 4728

"An argument recently overheard in a primary school playground. “Your Mum's like a double

decker bus... there's always room for one more on top.” “Yeah, well YOUR MUM'S like a

double decker... she only costs a pound to ride and kids under five go free.”" Family

Joke Number. 4729

"When does a woman care for a man's company? When he owns it." Family

Joke Number. 4730

"My gran asked me to go round there earlier and help her in the garden. So I went round there

and pushed her out the back door." Family

Joke Number. 4731

"I told my friend I hate my dad. He said “Same.” That's a bit harsh, he hasn't even met my dad

yet!" Family

Joke Number. 4732

"I walked in on my wife singing the other day. Surprised, I said “Oh, I thought you were the

radio.” Flattered, she asked “Did you come to listen?” “No,” I replied, “I came to turn it off.”"

Family

Joke Number. 4733

"When I was younger like everyone else, I had an imaginary friend. But mine was an alcoholic,

and I called him dad." Family

Joke Number. 4734

"I've just seen my daughter masturbating for the first time. I'm only joking, it's my favourite

dvd." Family

Joke Number. 4735

"My X-box controller is a lot like my kids. I can play games with them for hours on end, but as

soon as I lose it gets thrown at the wall." Family

Joke Number. 4736

"I went to see a bearded dragon today... ...or as my wife prefers me to call her, the mother in

law." Family

Joke Number. 4737

"Went on a Family holiday to Africa last year. My mother-in-law got bitten by a black mamba.

Terrible thing to watch a snake dying in agony." Family

Joke Number. 4738

"My girlfriend doesn't find paedophile jokes funny, she’s too young to understand them" Family

Joke Number. 4739

"I had to make the biggest decision of my life today. Social Services made me choose between

my daughter and alcohol. For all the right reasons I decided to give up Stella. Stupid name for a

kid anyway." Family

Joke Number. 4740

"My son asked me, “what's an example of poetic justice?” I told him, it’s like when a woman

falls down the stairs, at a battered woman's shelter." Family

Joke Number. 4741

"My mum recently got divorced and married a guy in a wheelchair. I don't think of him as a step

dad though, he's more a senior role model." Family

Joke Number. 4742

"My daughter asked my wife and I what it is like to be pregnant. I told her to put a bean bag

down the front of her jumper and keep it there for nine months. After nine months take ten per

cent of the beans out." Family

Joke Number. 4743

Condoms are like parents... they are there to protect you, but usually it's more fun when they're

not around. Family

Joke Number. 4744

Men are rather like periods to a woman, they come and they go, but when she hits a certain age

they just stop coming altogether. Family

Joke Number. 4745

My granddad asked me what I wanted for my birthday so I told him a ship in a bottle... Shame

his hearing is getting bad Family

Joke Number. 4746

Liverpool.....The only place where you can find a multipack of Fathers' Day cards. Family

Joke Number. 4747

"A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the

rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. “Grandpa what are you doing?” he

exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. “Grandpa, what are

you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again. The old man slowly

looked at him and said, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.

This is your Grandma's idea.”" Family

Joke Number. 4748

"The Man’s rule of conduct: If another guy's zip is open, thats their problem, you didn't see

anything." Family

Joke Number. 4749

"It's my birthday today and as I sat with my dad I said, “ So then. About nine months and forty

three years ago you were giving mum one eh!” He said, “ Aye, and if I knew it would be the only

time in forty three years I would've enjoyed it a bit more.” My brother looked up and said. “

Hold on a minute.”" Family

Joke Number. 4750

"I asked my mum if I was adopted the other day, she said, 'If I adopted a child, I would have

picked a better one then you!' Yeh, thanks 'mum'." Family

Joke Number. 4751

I've wanted to run away from home more since I became a parent than when I was a child.

Family

Joke Number. 4752

“"Postal workers have been striking for a week now and have nothing to show for it I know how

they feel, I've been striking the wife for years" Family

Joke Number. 4753

My hubby always rolls his sleeves up and gets stuck in ....... I love being fisted Family

Joke Number. 4754

"When a doctor remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, “High

blood pressure, Doc. It runs in my Family.” “Your mother's side or your father's?” the doctor

asked. “Neither,” the patient replied. “It's from my wife's Family.” “Oh, come now,” said the

doctor. “How could your wife's Family give you high blood pressure?” He sighed. “You ought to

meet 'em sometime.”" Family

Joke Number. 4755

"I took my gran to an antiques auction today I got 23.00 for her" Family

Joke Number. 4756

"My daughter's had her tongue pierced. I caught her smoking, so nailed it to the coffee table."

Family

Joke Number. 4757

"I'm not very happy that my Daughter and her friends are locked in the bathroom spending ages

getting themselves ready for a night out. It took me ages to find a good hiding spot in her

bedroom." Family

Joke Number. 4758

"The wifes so incredibly slow at vacuuming. I'm gonna have to put my foot down." Family

Joke Number. 4759

"I was at a fairground and saw a fortune-teller's tent. I went inside and sat down. “Ah.....” said

the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two Children.” “That's

what you think,” I said scornfully. “I'm the father of THREE Children.” The woman grinned and

said “That's what YOU think!”" Family

Joke Number. 4760

"Roses are red Violets are blue Your sister said no How about you?" Family

Joke Number. 4761

"Have you been involved in an accident that wasn't your fault? Yes. My conception." Family

Joke Number. 4762

"My old gran refuses to grow old gracefully. Last night she won first prize in a wet shawl

contest." Family

Joke Number. 4763

As you get older, the birthday cards you receive get meaner. The closer the person is to you, it

seems the meaner they are. Last year I got a card with a rotting corpse on the front and inside it

read, 'At least you can still attract flies. Lots of love, mum.' Family

Joke Number. 4764

"If it's a crime for a man to care for his wife and kids, then I guess I'm guilty. Turns out that's

what the judge thought too. And apparently 'care for' isn't a valid metaphor for 'repeatedly abuse

and violate'." Family

Joke Number. 4765

I'm not saying that my parents hated me as a child, but my first Christmas gift I can remember

from them was a pair of scissors and running shoes. Family

Joke Number. 4766

"In trouble with the wife again. Went out for a lovely meal and I said to her, “You've a bit of

food on your chin.” When she went to wipe it off, all I said was, “No, the other chin.”" Family

Joke Number. 4767

The night before last the wife fell asleep in the bath and left the hot water running. It's a good job

she had her mouth open or else the tub would have overflowed. Family

Joke Number. 4768

"My big sister is not talking to me anymore. For her 40th birthday, I sent her a singing

mammogram." Family

Joke Number. 4769

I was sad when my grandparents died. It was especially sad because we lost a unique generation

that could instantly mend any electrical appliance under the sun just by giving it a good hefty

whack with an old slipper. Family

Joke Number. 4770

I woke up this morning feeling sick. Unfortunately as I crept into my little brothers bedroom, my

dad had beaten me too it. Family

Joke Number. 4771

"My wife has just given birth to twin daughters. She asked me “What do you think of when you

look at them both together?” Apparently “Threesome” was not the answer she had hoped for."

Family

Joke Number. 4772

My daughter's very demanding.....usually for me to stop. Family

Joke Number. 4773

"In a cake shop with my daughter: “Daddy, can you buy me a strawberry tArt?” “No, you'll end

up getting fat like your mum.” She thought about this for a while. “But mummy's not fat.” “Yes

she is - you're adopted.”" Family

Joke Number. 4774

I don't see a problem with Autoerotic Asphyxiation, I like my men well hung... Family

Joke Number. 4775

"The other day I went to Office Max to get some supplies. While there I bought a new ink

cArtridge for my printer. It came in a fairly large box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic.

When I took it apart, which took an unnecessarily long time, I found that the printer cArtridge

itself was actually quite small. It seems they made the packaging large to make it harder to steal

and to make the customer feel better about the high price. So I pointed this out to my wife and

mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect it

made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal. She’s still

laughing." Family

Joke Number. 4776

I'm your father and having you was not my idea. Family

Joke Number. 4777

"My daughter's really upset today - a boy touched her up at the under 14's disco last night. I was

fuming! I would've punched his lights out if I hadn't been chucked out first." Family

Joke Number. 4778

A young 12 year old girl is being tucked into bed by her mother .The mum say's "Now then

Jenny if you pray really hard tonight your wish will come true tomorrow! " Jenny says "Ok

mummy , " and off she goes to sleep. The next morning Jenny wakes up and screams "

MUMMY! my wish hasn't come true !" "Why's that ?"replied mum

"I wished that daddy wouldn't mol--- me , but he's here ----ing my -------s ! "

Mum rushes in and shouts "April fool!!" How they all laughed Family

Joke Number. 4779

"My daughter thinks she's quite posh. She tries to speak with my plums in her mouth." Family

Joke Number. 4780

"When life gives you lemons... Send them to my grandma. She can make a meal out of anything

and enjoys getting mail." Family

Joke Number. 4781

"My daughter stood there. Her slender thighs covered in sheer stockings, her skirt so short it

revealed the tops of her suspenders. She wore a top so tight and see-through that it showed every

curve of her young supple body. My wife had decided that this was the last time I'd be sent

clothes shopping alone." Family

Joke Number. 4782

"My mum just came in from work while I was babysitting my brother. I said, “Mum, Billy's just

died.” She went into a mad panic and broke down in tears, “Tell me it isn't true,” she cried. I

said, “Yeah I was only joking.” “Thank god, oh thank you god,” she sobbed. I said, “Yeah, he

died this morning.”" Family

Joke Number. 4783

"I won an award for laziness last week. My mother picked it up on my behalf." Family

Joke Number. 4784

"Whenever I feel depressed at work about my mundane job, I look at the picture on my desk of

the wife and kids and thank my lucky stars. That I'm at work." Family

Joke Number. 4785

"I just did my best Sean Connery impression to my dad He replied with a very impressive

impersonation of Roger Moore That's father and son Bonding." Family

Joke Number. 4786

According to social services, I'm not the great parent I claim to be. Apparently my son is in a

meningitis induced coma and not hibernating. Family

Joke Number. 4787

"After 18 long and difficult years, my son finally came out of the closet yesterday. The doctor

said it was the worst case of agoraphobia he'd ever seen." Family

Joke Number. 4788

"What do you call a man with a dog on his head? A bit weird." Family

Joke Number. 4789

"What's worse than catching your son masturbating while sniffing a pair of your daughter’s

knickers? Catching your son masturbating while sniffing a pair of your boxers. Family

Joke Number. 4790

"I gave my daughter a black eye for being out of line. A bit harsh I know, but colouring in

shouldn't be so sloppy at six years old." Family

Joke Number. 4791

"I walked into my mums bedroom as she was masturbating. I said “Don't worry mum, I’ve seen

it all before”. “What did you come in here for?” she asked. “My spy cam” I said." Family

Joke Number. 4792

"My wife told me her mother is coming to stay for the weekend. I've spent the last hour trying to

get the letters out of the welcome mat." Family

Joke Number. 4793

"I took my son to work at the adoption agency. I'll never forget the look on his face as they

slammed the van doors..." Family

Joke Number. 4794

"My mum text me using a ';)' today... I'm hoping she didn't realize that's only really used for

flirting... however, when I read the text back 'oh you forgotten your key: P I'll leave the back

open ;)' I did get scared." Family

Joke Number. 4795

"My mother's told me that I've inherited my grandfather's genes. And his shirts and a packet of

weathers." Family

Joke Number. 4796

It was my little un's birthday today. We had all her friends over to watch a movie. Its great

watching them all laugh together. Now she wants Schindler's List every year! Family

Joke Number. 4797

"I want to be just like my dad... ... and not have any Children." Family

Joke Number. 4798

"Yesterday my wife asked me to make her a sandwich. I laughed so hard and split a rib. One of

hers." Family

Joke Number. 4799

"I was sick of spending a fortune on a haircut every other week, so I shaved it all off. My wife

hated it. She said our 6 year old daughter didn't suit a skinhead." Family

Joke Number. 4800

"My son has been getting these really bad headaches. I keep telling him, “Feet first when you get

out of bed.”" Family

Joke Number. 4801

"My Mum recently got divorced and married a guy in a wheelchair. Do I still call him my step

dad?" Family

Joke Number. 4802

"My wife just gave birth, which is great because I always said I wanted a child for 4 years or so.

My wife however, wants to keep it forever." Family

Joke Number. 4803

My girlfriend told me I was a selfish lover. I said, "Well, your mother did warn you." Family

Joke Number. 4804

9 months prior to our birthdays we should have a "celebrate dad bending mum over day" Family

Joke Number. 4805

"I miss my Dad. He was like a father to me." Family

Joke Number. 4806

Last night I played FIFA 11 with my kid and beat him. It's his own fault, he should have lost.

Family

Joke Number. 4807

"I could hear noises coming from my son's bedroom tonight, so i looked in to see if he was

alright. As soon as I walked in, he stared at me, stopped moving, and couldn't string a sentence

together. Turns out he was having a stroke." Family

Joke Number. 4808

"Me: 'Dad, can I go to bathroom?' Dad: ' Kiran, MAY I go to the bathroom?' I don't care if it's

father’s day, I asked first" Family

Joke Number. 4809

"My son walked down the stairs sad faced in a suit today. “Are you up in court again?” I

snapped. “Everything has been going brilliantly for us the last few days, and now this!” “No

Dad,” he frowned. “Its mum’s funeral today.”" Family

Joke Number. 4810

"My 5 year old came back from school today with a picture he had drawn of our Family. He

obviously knows about our financial problems because we're all standing outside of our house."

Family

Joke Number. 4811

"My parents have just thrown me out. They think i treat the Family home like a hotel, which I

don't! Either way I have 1 hour to pack my things and leave my key at reception." Family

Joke Number. 4812

"My gran's Alzheimer's is getting worse. The weird thing is, she can remember what happened

twenty years ago but she can't remember what happened ten minutes ago! If she lives another

twenty years I'm so busted." Family

Joke Number. 4813

My mother is an always trying to outdo me. Last night she walked into the bathroom as I was

choking the bishop then, today, she had to go and push the Pope. Family

Joke Number. 4814

"The Ex-wife rang me up today and screamed at me “Your sons ran away from home !”

Laughing I said “So did I, remember!”" Family

Joke Number. 4815

"If I had a pound for every time my father called me a failure I wouldn't be a failure anymore"

Family

Joke Number. 4816

"The wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Starship Troopers... Would you

like to know more?" Family

Joke Number. 4817

"I'm watching Monsters vs. Aliens As soon as the in-laws leave, we'll probably pop in a DVD."

Family

Joke Number. 4818

"Stella: Because the gals ain't gonna beat themselves." Family

Joke Number. 4819

"Unwanted gift? Why not have them adopted?" Family

Joke Number. 4820

My Gran always said she wanted to be laid in wet concrete after she'd died, we all argued with

her, but in the end she won. She's dead, set in her way....... Family

Joke Number. 4821

Taking my wife to see the Muppets tonight. I hope her mum cooks something I like this time

Family

Joke Number. 4822

"Two weeks after we got married, and already we started having regrets. Or babies, as the wife

likes to call them." Family

Joke Number. 4823

"When I was young my Granddad used to tell me this rhyme. “See my finger? See my thumb?

See my fist? You'd better run!” Which is ironic, as even if I ran he still fisted me." Family

Joke Number. 4824

I've never seen my mum. She left before I was born. Family

Joke Number. 4825

"A couple of years ago we had a big Family party at my Uncle Tims house At this party was a

giant buffet which included this giant chocolate cake At the end of the buffet, half of this

delicious cake was left I looked over at my grandfather who had a big smile on his face and said

to me “go on... no one's looking” I said “are you sure?” he replied “go on.... no one's looking” So

I punched grandma" Family

Joke Number. 4826

"My dad always said he would see me alright if he ever won the lottery. Well he won two

million last week and kept true to his word. He's had laser eye surgery." Family

Joke Number. 4827

My Granddad has re-invented the rocking chair. It rocks forward rather than backwards. It allows

him to feign interest in people's conversations. Family

Joke Number. 4828

"So the Government are going to give cash handouts to green drivers. I wonder how much my

Mother in Law will get for her broomstick?" Family

Joke Number. 4829

"Smoking killed my granddad. One evening he lit up a cig in no man's land and a sniper blew his

head off." Family

Joke Number. 4830

"Met an old friend today. She told me she lost her mum last week. “Oh, that's awful,” I said.

“Have you tried retracing your steps, she might still be where you left her.” Some people just

can't take a joke!" Family

Joke Number. 4831

"I asked my nephew what he wanted for his birthday and he asked for a Bat mobile... Well

unbeknownst to me, one of them was still alive when I hung it over it his bed." Family

Joke Number. 4832

Trust me. It's better to walk in on both of your parents than just one. Family

Joke Number. 4833

"As I looked out of my bedroom window at the snow I thought to myself, “How can something

so beautiful be so cold in nature and cause misery to everyone but four year old boys...” ...Then I

remembered my ex-wife." Family

Joke Number. 4834

"How do you know when your mother-in-law is on her period? There's blood on her

broomstick." Family

Joke Number. 4835

"When I was born my mother must have thought I was a real treasure... Cause she tried burying

me several times." Family

Joke Number. 4836

"I think I must be going bald... It's taking longer and longer to wash my face in the morning..."

Family

Joke Number. 4837

"Teenage daughters are like that box of chocolates at Christmas... You know you shouldn't, but

you just can't help yourself" Family

Joke Number. 4838

"If it wasn't for the likes of my granddad, we'd all be talking German now! He really was a

terrible Language Teacher." Family

Joke Number. 4839

"My uncle was a weird fellow... ...Artificial legs, real feet." Family

Joke Number. 4840

"I was arguing with my wife last night. She accused me of being a delusional fantasist. I was

shocked. So I held gently held my hand against her face, breathed in slowly and shouted “Flame

on!”." Family

Joke Number. 4841

"I went to the police and reported that my wife is missing ever since she went to buy groceries a

week ago. “Well, why didn't you report earlier?” “I had enough groceries to last me a week.”"

Family

Joke Number. 4842

"Was on the train earlier when a guy got up and left his expensive new phone on the seat. I

didn't say anything and he got off, I went to retrieve my new phone. Before I could even pick it

up it started ringing - 'mum' - I left the phone where it was. She always seems to know when I

am up to no good, that wily minx." Family

Joke Number. 4843

"You think seeing your Mum kissing Santa Claus was bad. I saw him kissing my Dad" Family

Joke Number. 4844

"My wife bounced into the room and said, “I've got some good news!” “What is it?” I asked.

“My mum's beaten the cancer,” she squealed. She's all clear!” Always going off on a tangent, my

wife. I never did find out what that good news was." Family

Joke Number. 4845

"The Wife asked me last night, “how would you judge the success of a Man?” So of course I said

“by the amount of Women he's banged” Then she said “how would you judge the success of a

Woman?” “Well of course by how many sandwiches she's made” I'm sleeping on the sofa

tonight...." Family

Joke Number. 4846

"My Wife has a really pretty face, but the only problem is she is carrying a bit of timber. I've told

her working at the lumber yard isn't very lady like." Family

Joke Number. 4847

I thought i would make the mother in laws room more comfy as she is staying for a while, I just

don't know where to put the bikes and the lawn mower. Family

Joke Number. 4848

"My big sister was taunting me, and said parents said I was a mistake. Well, I asked my mum

about my conception, and she was shocked, she said “No love, we really wanted a baby and we

had you on purpose.” ...it was only later we realized it was a mistake”." Family

Joke Number. 4849

"My sister was on Big Brother tonight. I'm hoping to get a repeat performance before I go to

sleep." Family

Joke Number. 4850

My wife cooks meals that even Gordon Ramsay would be proud of. To be fair, she uses his

system. She cries and panics whilst I swear at her. Family

Joke Number. 4851

"I just hacked my mother in law's Facebook, and put,' I just gave my son in law head' as her

status. It didn't go down too well with the Family as she died yesterday." Family

Joke Number. 4852

When our 10 year old grandson stays with us for the weekend we're not allowed to smoke in the

house. The wife makes us stand outside in the cold. And she wonders why he doesn't like her.

Family

Joke Number. 4853

"I was using the palm of my hand this morning instead of an ashtray, and the wife was

complaining Don't know why though, the ashtray would've done a lot more damage." Family

Joke Number. 4854

"As many a good man will know; anything you can't fix with a hammer and some gaffer tape

isn't worth fixing. Needless to say, my first marriage didn't last long." Family

Joke Number. 4855

"I'm a good kind of guy who laughs at my own mistakes. My son didn't think it was funny

though..." Family

Joke Number. 4856

"I explained to the girl as gently as I could that I didn't want to continue our relationship and I

couldn't see us going anywhere. There wasn't anyone else involved but I just didn't love her

anymore and I wanted her to move out of my house. I felt a bit guilty but I knew it was for the

best. She said through the tears “But Daddy where else can I go?”" Family

Joke Number. 4857

"I like to tell people that my Family have a fairy tale life. It sounds better than saying that my

wife's in a coma and I've eaten the kids." Family

Joke Number. 4858

"Tips for blokes -- How to clean a toilet: 1. Barrow cat from neighbours. 2. Pour soap into

toilet. 3. Add cat and close lid. 4. Sit on lid. 5. Allow cat time to act. 6. Flush several

times to rinse. 7. Raise lid and admire shine." Family

Joke Number. 4859

Was having a nice Family game of football earlier and, despite their youthful energy, managed to

beat both my kids. It made me feel better after losing to them at the football. Family

Joke Number. 4860

"I offered to bathe the kids for the wife last night, which made me realize how useless I was. I

had no idea whether to use Persil or Mr. Muscle..." Family

Joke Number. 4861

"My friend told me he loved homemade gifts for Christmas.. Excitedly, I asked “which one of

my kids do you want?”" Family

Joke Number. 4862

"I'm hoping my in laws don't stay too long on Christmas day. But, just to make sure I've also

invited the black couple from next door." Family

Joke Number. 4863

"My 13 year old daughter who goes to Mentee School in Waltham tow London says I've got a

problem with trust. So I've decided to not pick her up from school tomorrow to show that I trust

her to walk home alone." Family

Joke Number. 4864

"Last week my wife told me that I spend too much time on Sickipedia. She said, “It's either

Sickipedia or me and the kids, your choice”. To be honest I don't even miss them." Family

Joke Number. 4865

Divorce - Because every man deserves a second chance Family

Joke Number. 4866

"My mother kicked my dad out of the house for cheating. She seriously needs to give that board

game a rest." Family

Joke Number. 4867

"At the tender age of 82 my gran has lost the plot, she keeps thinking that I am my granddad. To

be honest it's a compliment, he was a great bloke. But, the biggest compliment of all was the fact

that 'Apparently' I'm better in bed. Family

Joke Number. 4868

My uncle taught me the facts of life. I can't tell anyone though because it’s our little secret

Family

Joke Number. 4869

Real men cry....but REAL men kill all witnesses of them crying Family

Joke Number. 4870

"When my mum told me I should increase my iron intake I took her Advice. She was horrified

when she caught me sucking on her discarded tampons." Family

Joke Number. 4871 "I would always put my kids first. Especially if there was a car coming towards us."

Family

Joke Number. 4872

"The other day 2 year old brother started screaming at the sight of a spider. All i wanted was

some peace but I couldn't kill the poor thing so I wrapped it in toilet paper and through it out of

the window. However my parents said that was an irresponsible thing to do to a two year old."

Family

Joke Number. 4873

My girlfriend is such a hypochondriac. She got jet lag when the clocks went back Family

Joke Number. 4874

You know you're getting old when Miss Marple starts looking hot Family

Joke Number. 4875

"My wife told me I'm a terrible Father. She said I really need to pull my finger out Of our son."

Family

Joke Number. 4876

"My daughter’s boyfriend asked, “Do you think it's ok to make fun of AIDS?” I said, “Sure,

that's why we called her it.”" Family

Joke Number. 4877

"My mother-in-law came round earlier and really made my day... She left early." Family

Joke Number. 4878

"My parents have decided to put my gran into a care home, after she tearfully broke down,

admitting to symptoms of Alzheimer's. Maybe it's time I stopped using rohypnol." Family

Joke Number. 4879

"Got the bearded dragon a new tank today. The wife ain't happy though, she doesn't think it's an

appropriate place for her mother." Family

Joke Number. 4880

My son has been watching Home Alone and getting loads of funny ideas... like spending

Christmas together as a Family. Family

Joke Number. 4881

"My ginger son's birthday is today. I've explained in previous years that we don't get him any

birthday presents because it's so close to Christmas. It seems to upset him, especially because

we're Jewish and don't celebrate Christmas." Family

Joke Number. 4882

"I love my dad's granddad.... ...he's great." Family

Joke Number. 4883

"My old man's a dust man. We cremated him this morning." Family

Joke Number. 4884

"My Father was mental. He used to think he was a Boeing 747 I don't remember too much about

him. He took off when I was five" Family

Joke Number. 4885

So it's mother’s day I had trouble deciding what to get my mother-in-law I couldn't choose

between a Toyota Prius or a holiday in Haiti, so eventually I plumped for luging lessons in

Vancouver. Family

Joke Number. 4886

You know your parents don't love you when you receive LimeWire vouchers for your birthday.

Family

Joke Number. 4887

"BBC News- man found chopped up in the River Hull A spokeswomen for the Family said that

they loved him to bits" Family

Joke Number. 488

My wife accused me of having absolutely no sense of direction. Honestly, I was so disgusted I

just packed my things and right. Family

Joke Number. 4889

"Doctor- I’m afraid were going to have to pull the plug on your son. Mother- I thought you said

he was perfectly healthy? Doctor- Oh I did, but his bath is overflowing." Family

Joke Number. 4890

"I think my dad was a magician. He did a disappearing act when I was born." Family

Joke Number. 4891

"My wife just told me that I’m lazy good for nothing lay about, that does nothing to help her

around the house. That's the last time I arrange for her to borrow a ladder when she has to realign

the sky dish" Family

Joke Number. 4892

"My daughter and wife had a race to see who could hang the most washing out. It was level

pegging at the end." Family

Joke Number. 4893

Your mums so fat that when she jumped in the air she got stuck. Family

Joke Number. 4894

My Mom is a terrible cook. In our house we pray after we eat. Family

Joke Number. 4895

"My girlfriend said she wanted to name our baby daughter a name that she “could see in lights.”

Just a minute, I need to change Marlboro's nappy." Family

Joke Number. 4896

"My Cousin has just had an Article written in the local newspaper with her photo saying how she

is a successful business woman. 'What a strange coincidence' I said. 'Fancy how two people from

the same Family end up with their picture in the paper the same week. We should celebrate.'

Apparently her being a successful business women and me being a paedophile is not a reason for

the Family to throw a party." Family

Joke Number. 4897

"John: I am a man of few words Bill: I am married too" Family

Joke Number. 4898

I lost my Grandfather last week. That was the worst game of Poker I have ever been involved in.

Family

Joke Number. 4899

"Put an end to fathers for justice.... ....have a kid with Britney Spears" Family

Joke Number. 4900

My dad told me ice cream vans only made that noise when they ran out. Family

Joke Number. 4901

“"IPad is thin. iPad is beautiful.” Can I trade in my wife?" Family

Joke Number. 4902

"When my gran dies she's gonna spend 100,000 quid on having her body frozen so she can be

brought back to life in the future. Although I think we'll probably just pocket the 100,000 and

bung her in the freezer." Family

Joke Number. 4903

"My cheeky teenage daughter burst through the door from school today, before grabbing the

remote, sitting back and turning the channel over. “Give me the remote,” I glared. “Then go to

the kitchen and fetch me a lager out of the fridge.” “The cheek!” She spat. “Who died and made

you god?” “Your mother, this morning,” I replied. “Now hop along.”" Family

Joke Number. 4904

“"Let’s play charades” my Mother in Law said as she walked into the lounge. “Enter the

Dragon” I shouted. “We haven't started yet” she replied. “ It was an observation not a guess”"

Family

Joke Number. 4905

Your mum is so fat she can't even pick out the first pringles Family

Joke Number. 4906

"My wife always smashes up our furniture when she's depressed. She's a shelf-harmer." Family

Joke Number. 4907

"What are the two worst things about your mother-in-law? Her faces." Family

Joke Number. 4908

"My granddad's a chess master, but after 6 years of playing, I've finally won my first game

against him. I hope the second games shorter though." Family

Joke Number. 4909

"My 8 year old son reckoned he was old enough to go out on his own at night, so I sent him to

get our fish supper at the chippie (The Fishy Finger), which is on a particularly dodgy estate. As

a joke I asked him to get 'a battered ring'. That was three days ago. Don't worry............we had a

pot noodle instead." Family

Joke Number. 4910

"What do you call an orphan's Family tree? A stump." Family

Joke Number. 4911

"My wife has just had baby, were both so happy! But the most amazing thing is that my little

boy, thanks to a genetic disease, was born black. It does not bother me one bit I still love my boy.

I told my mate Leroy about it and he seemed just as shocked as I was!" Family

Joke Number. 4912

I'm the youngest of 3, my parents are both older. Family

Joke Number. 4913

"During the Second World War, my grandfather couldn't stop scribbling. He got hit by the

Doodlebug." Family

Joke Number. 4914

"My wife's just told me she expecting her mum to come round for dinner on Christmas Day. I'm

disappointed. I thought I'd hit her so hard she's be unconscious till February at least....." Family

Joke Number. 4915

I killed, cooked and ate my mother in law yesterday. Just one of the many advantages of being

married to a chicken. Family

Joke Number. 4916

"I was asked the question, “What would you rather be, blind or deaf?” I answered deaf, my wife

is pretty hot but her voice does my head in." Family

Joke Number. 4917

Josef Fritzl is always the Dungeon Master in Dungeons & Dragons Family

Joke Number. 4918

Chris Benoit is my biological dad. Thank God he didn't know Family

Joke Number. 4919

"I was driving in a town near Arkinsaw the other day and my girlfriend said to me 'Isn't this

place notorious for incest?' I replied 'No but it's relatively close'" Family

Joke Number. 4920

"My Children take after my wife. They're imaginary." Family

Joke Number. 4921

"I went to my nan's house for dinner on her birthday. After enjoying the lovely spread she had

layed out, she told me that she wanted her present... So I gave her a pearl necklace. And then I

gave my present to her!" Family

Joke Number. 4922

"I'm well excited, I think my wife’s taking me on a surprise holiday; I overheard a couple of

work colleagues talking about how she's packing my bags. It'll be good for us since our marriage

has been on the rocks for a while now." Family

Joke Number. 4923

"On his wedding day I told my son that I wasn't losing a son but gaining a daughter. In retrospect

it was a callous way of telling him that I had got his fiancé pregnant." Family

Joke Number. 4924

When I have a bad dream I ask my daughter if I can get into her bed with her. Family

Joke Number. 4925

"I hate that awkward moment when your mum walks in on you dancing by yourself in the

bedroom... and you notice she's naked." Family

Joke Number. 4926

"I was sat watching TV earlier when my wife said “Watch out, the Sun's coming through the

window” “Nothing to worry about, I'll close the blinds”, I replied. Then she threw my son

through the window." Family

Joke Number. 4927

Your mother is so poor.....she can't even pay attention. Family

Joke Number. 4928

Parents, give your child a normal name. No one wants to hire someone with a name that sounds

like a Harry Potter spell Family

Joke Number. 4929

"My father's a wise man. He trusted me enough to let me make my own decisions, and learn

from my mistakes for as long as I can remember. I really hope I get to meet him someday."

Family

Joke Number. 4930

Men are like bad drivers - always pulling out not caring whose coming! Family

Joke Number. 4931

"A 30 year old woman was arrested and charged recently with stealing between 50,000 and

150,000 from her 72 year old aunt who suffers from dementia. I could never do such a thing.

There's just no history of dementia in my Family." Family

Joke Number. 4932

"Tonight was the best night of my life, I had my first daughter. I can't wait to have my second

daughter, she should be home any minute now." Family

Joke Number. 4933

"My dad was a comedian, so comedy is in my blood. I wish I could get it into my jokes." Family

Joke Number. 4934

"My girlfriend said to me the other day: “Hey wanna join my parents for tea tonight?” I replied:

“I'd rather join MY parents.” “I thought your parents were dead.” “They are.”" Family

Joke Number. 4935

No thanks Aero, if I really wanted to "feel the bubbles", I'd just jump into the bath with my

daughter like normal. Family

Joke Number. 4936

"Every Sunday morning I like to get up bright and early and head off to the car boot .... I hide my

secret Family in there" Family

Joke Number. 4937

My kids are really good looking. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. Family

Joke Number. 4938

"Whenever anyone asks me whether I have kids I always give a cheeky wink and reply with

“Not that I know of.” My wife doesn't like this. And my son hates it." Family

Joke Number. 4939

"I've just spent all morning digging up the allotment for my granddad. I can't remember where I

buried him." Family

Joke Number. 4940

Irony is growing up thinking ur mum would be the one to catch you masturbating.... Family

Joke Number. 4941

It's kind of ironic that they caution pregnant women not to drink alcohol in case it harms the

baby. If it wasn't for alcohol most women wouldn't be that way. Family

Joke Number. 4942

Yo Momma is so fat, bouncy castles hire her for parties. Family

Joke Number. 4943

Monthly contact lenses are like parents. Eventually you lose one of them and the one that's left

constantly annoys you until you're left with a pounding headache and you feel the need to take it

out. Family

Joke Number. 4944

Your mum is so slow that her de Broglie wavelength is observable on macroscopic scales.

Family

Joke Number. 4945

"Just been dumped by the missus. Apparently, when we are outside our house, while it's burning

to the ground, saying “Ah, it needed decorating anyway.” Is wrong. Especially when our baby is

inside." Family

Joke Number. 4946

"When my wife was heavily pregnant, I still found her attractive. Although, I think this was due

to the increase in gravity." Family

Joke Number. 4947

"I told my wife the other day ' I've Just finished writing a song about a hammer today' she said '

Oh really, hit me with it!' She could have phrased it better, re-constructive surgery starts Friday"

Family

Joke Number. 4948

"Wife: This is the worst thing you've ever done. Husband: You say that so often that it lost its

meaning." Family

Joke Number. 4949

"My dad was a taxi driver, then he just left, with no indication." Family

Joke Number. 4950

I thought that mentioning that I had a young Family at a recent social event would break the ice

and help people warm to me, but when I introduced my 11 year old wife, the horrified look on

their faces suggested otherwise. Family

Joke Number. 4951

"I was out on a camping trip with my wife when a large bear came into our path. I remembered I

had my new gun in my backpack for these sorts of situations, one shot to the wife's kneecap and

I was able to get away at only a brisk walking pace." Family

Joke Number. 4952

"I was driving along the road the other day when I saw a man trying to run his wife down in his

car. I was going to stop to help but he looked like he had it under control" Family

Joke Number. 495

My grammar past away several years ago. God rest her soul. Family

Joke Number. 4954

"My dad had a go at me for putting a knife in the toaster as I might electrocute myself. I asked

him why he didn't mind my mum doing it. He said 'she's a woman if she's so independent she can

figure it out for herself or die trying.' He now has a sickipedia account." Family

Joke Number. 4955

"Portugal’s Nani out Of World Cup I’m sure the rest of Portugal’s Family are gutted, especially

the granddad" Family

Joke Number. 4956

It was mine and my wife's anniversary. After work I stopped off and got a bunch of flowers.

When I brought them home, she told me they looked like I found them in a bin. Jokes on her

though. I found them tied to a fence at the side of the road. Family

Joke Number. 4957

"Just finished my last test, and now I've got two weeks of blissful ignorance before I found out

how bad I've done. I mean, I can't be father to all of them." Family

Joke Number. 4958

I love it when the ice cream man comes out, so I can see all the hot and sweaty kids chasing after

him, getting their lolly's and licking away, I never did understand what granddad meant when he

said that. Family

Joke Number. 4959

My mother belongs to the Saudi Arabian school of photography. Every time she takes a picture

she cuts people's hands & feet off. Family

Joke Number. 4960

My wife says I never let her see her mother. I've now given permission for her to turn the picture

around once a week. Family

Joke Number. 4961

"I took the Family on a day trip to Alton Towers. As the kids kicked and screamed in the back of

the car, I remembered a tip my dad gave me. “If you don't stop that,” I said, “I'll turn this car

right round...” They paused for a moment, smiled, and started hitting each other. “Right, that's

it!” I shouted, spinning the car round. I couldn't help but think my dad's logic was flawed as we

arrived back at the theme park." Family

Joke Number. 4962

"What's a man's idea of a romantic evening out? A candlelit football stadium." Family

Joke Number. 4963

"We buried my mother-in-law today. As the coffin lowered into the ground I stepped forward

and said a little prayer. “Thank you God”." Family

Joke Number. 4964

"My daughter just won 'Miss Ginger 2010'! Needless to say she'll always be my 'Miss Take

1993'" Family

Joke Number. 4965

"My daughter loves going to Burger King But hates it when my 'Angry Whopper' comes out."

Family

Joke Number. 4966

"I don’t need a job, I have got money. It’s just tied up in my mum and dads house." Family

Joke Number. 4967

Had a go on my brother's bike earlier........ or Julie as he likes to call her Family

Joke Number. 4968

"Kids don't know they're born these days One Christmas when I was a lad my Mum got me a

carpet and told me I could keep it in the living room." Family

Joke Number. 4969

"I just got a call from my 8 year old son’s teacher. Apparently he has been charging girls 25

cents to touch his 'special area' the worst part was he was taking away my business." Family

Joke Number. 4970

Mother’s day, the most confusing day of the year for the male members of Norfolk. Family

Joke Number. 4971

"My wife left me because she said i just don't understand her.... To be honest I don’t know what

she's talking about." Family

Joke Number. 4972

"What does my grandma have in common with the newspaper? Both have been lying in the

driveway for about 3 days now." Family

Joke Number. 4973

The hardest part of my Nan's death, was pushing her. Family

Joke Number. 4974

"BBC News: Norfolk County Council to cut 1,000 jobs ought to make Family events a bit

awkward..." Family

Joke Number. 4975

"My daughter was born with an umbrella sticking out the top of her head. I'm worried about her

starting college, she's led a very sheltered life." Family

Joke Number. 4976

"My Dad has a tendency to overelaborate the facts. Ever since he single handedly repelled the

enemy forces during world war two." Family

Joke Number. 4977

"It's funny how the most simple things in life can tear a Family apart............ .....Like next door's

rabid Rottweiler" Family

Joke Number. 4978

"At first I thought your mum was like a bike, because everyone had had a ride; but then I

realized she was more like a bus, as you can fit more people in a bus." Family

Joke Number. 4979

"My wife said to me the other day, I would love to travel around the world I said look

sweetheart, hopes and Dreams are only satans way of distracting you from making dinner. Now

get back in the kitchen." Family

Joke Number. 4980

"BBC News: Man guilty of 40m jeweler’s raid. Men get blamed for everything these days."

Family

Joke Number. 4981

"My wife left me today, she said it was because I could never make up my mind. I didn’t know

what to say...." Family

Joke Number. 4982

I was raised by my father, my mother left before i was born... Family

Joke Number. 4983

"One thing my old Dad always said to me: Son, never explain yourself to anyone. He never did

tell me why." Family

Joke Number. 4984

"I said to my girlfriend’s Family the other day: You guys are so funny! You should be in a TV

programme! My girlfriends mum replied flattered: What, you mean like a comedy or a talk

show? I said back: Nah, fat families." Family

Joke Number. 4985

"My wife asked me to pop into town to get her mother a gift for mother's day. Apparently she

asked for something she can use in the bath. So I've bought her a toaster." Family

Joke Number. 4986

My mother died whilst giving birth to me. So I was breast fed by my grandma. It didn't affect me

though. Well, I like my milk past the sell by date now but that's all. Family

Joke Number. 4987

"My mother in law made a visit today. “So,” I said. “How long are you going to stay?” She said,

“As long as you want me to.” I said, “Oh, you're not even going to stay for coffee?”" Family

Joke Number. 498

"My wife tried to buy something online yesterday. ....Anyone knows how to get a credit card out

of a floppy drive?" Family

Joke Number. 4989

"I slipped my whole hand inside my sister's furry little hoop earlier. I had no idea you could

stretch a hair bobble that big." Family

Joke Number. 4990

I give my wife rights, she gets to choose which hand I hit her with. Family

Joke Number. 4991

"My grandma once told me friends come and go but your Family will always be there.... A week

later she died" Family

Joke Number. 4992

"Yesterday I told my wife that I will kill her in her sleep, burn down our house and I hate

Coronation Street. “How could you?”, she said. “Not really”, I told her, “I love Coronation

Street”." Family

Joke Number. 4993

It's a rare occasion when somebody moves to Norfolk. Most people there prefer to stay local and

marry their sisters. But don't worry I'm sure the people of Norfolk will make the Fritzl's feel

more than welcome. Family

Joke Number. 4994

"When I was younger, my dad used to show me pictures about why it's important to always wear

a condom, Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me." Family

Joke Number. 4995

"My Granddad told me one of his favourite jokes from back in the day.’three black men were on

fire........' I guess his humour was a little basic." Family

Joke Number. 4996

The worst two things about a mother-in-law are her faces. Family

Joke Number. 4997

My wife complains that I spend too much time with my daughter at 'bath time'. Especially now

that she has her exams to study for. Family

Joke Number. 4998

"My wife says I'm a pessimist and should stop being so negative all the time. God I have so

many flaws." Family

Joke Number. 4999

My wife's like a Toyota; when she starts, she never stops. Family

Joke Number. 5000

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Family

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